"Songwriters":

Ralph: "Berlin threw away a lot of bad lines."

Alice: "Yeah, if you can only find out where he threw them."

"A Man's Pride":

Ralph: "I promise you this, Norton. I'm gonna learn. I'm gonna learn from here on in how to swallow my pride."

Ed: "That shouldn't be too hard. You learned how to swallow everything else."

"Dinner Guest":

Man: "Me and my wife are big TV fans. Where's the TV?"

Ralph (speaking at the same time as Alice): "It's out getting repaired."

Alice (speaking at the same time as Ralph): "We don't have a TV set."

Ralph (speaking at the same time as Alice): "We don't have a TV set."

Alice (speaking at the same time as Ralph): "It's out getting repaired."

Ralph: "What my wife is trying to say is that if we had a TV set, it would be out getting repaired."

"Boys & Girls Together":

Alice: "Well Ralph, I am ready to sit down."

Ralph: "So?"

Alice: "Well, who's going to help me with my chair?"

Ralph: "There's only two of us in the room so unless you have a torn ligament or something, you'll do it."

"Dial J For Janitor":

(Ed is trying to bang his pipes to get water for his apartment. Ralph goes to the window and sticks his head out.)

Ralph (yells): "NORTON, WOULD YOU STOP THAT BANGING? I GOT A
HEADACHE."

Ed (from upstairs, yells): "I NEED WATER. I NEED TO TAKE A BATH."

Ralph (yells): "DO ME A FAVOR AND STAY DIRTY JUST FOR THE NIGHT."

"Unconventional Behavior":

(Ed & Ralph are handcuffed on a train. Ed tried syaing "Boomph" to get out, like he was instructed but it doesn't work.)

Ralph: "I have had enough of the boomphing. Get the key out and open them up."

Ed: "There ain't no key. You got to boomph your way out."

Ralph (yells): "I AM GOING TO BOOMPH YOU OUT OF THE WHOLE CAR."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ed: "Have I seen you once?"

Jean Kean (as herself): "I don't believe so."

Ed: "Did you ever work in the sewer?"

"Six Months To Live":

Ralph: "That does it Norton. In six months, I will be dead."

Ed: "Don't get so upset. Doctos can be wrong to you know. Take a friend of mine for instance. The doctor gave him six months to live. Boy, did he make a monkey out of that doctor."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "He lived for almost eight months."

"Follow The Boys":

(Alice wants to go to the movies but Ralph doesn't want him to go. He has to go bowling for the Hurricanes.)

Ralph: "The hurricanes need me."

Alice: "I feel very sorry for the Hurricanes because the biggest wind of them all is not going to be there."

(Ralph & Ed are at the public library getting thier taxes done on Sat. Apr. 14.)

Ed: "Gee, I sure wish that my computer didn't go down today. I was hoping that you and me would do our taxes at my apartment. But, it so happens that I had to accideantally drop it in the bathtub."

Ralph: "Norton, why did you think it was such a good idea to try to go online while you are taking a bath?"

Ed: "I love to have fun while I am taking a bath."

Ralph: "Never mind that. I sure hope I do my taxes right. Alice once again, blames me for waiting until the very last minute to get my taxes done. It's a shame. I told her that I was busy. Every day this week, I have been hanging out with you."

Ed: "Same thing with Trixie. All women are beasts. Well, I am almost done here."

Ralph: "Same here. Wait a minute, it is saying that internet has encountered an illegal operation and now it has to shut down. I can't even send my information."

Ed: "Highlight all the information and save it on my disk here."

(Ed has an old floppy disk.)

Ralph: "Norton, are you an idiot? This disk won't work. Mine with the hard-covered shell will."

(Ralph puts it in and highlights all the information and saves it on a disk.)

Librarian: "The library closes in five minutes."

Ralph: "Wait a minute. I got to send my information to the IRS."

Ed: "We can use the computer that they have down there. We can still make it."

(They rush to the IRS office only to see a sign that says: 'Closed! The Tax Day is on April 17th.)

Ralph: "You mean tot ell me Norton that you had me running all the way to the IRS office only to find out that I have two more days to file my taxes?"

Ed: "Well, you lost some weight."

(Ralph chases after Ed.)

(Jackie Gleason comes on stage.)

Jackie: "As usual, the Miami Beach crowds are the best in the world. GOOD NIGHT!