Becky: I can't drink this milk! Darlene put her finger in it.

Darlene: Don't worry, it's clean. It's been in my nose all day.

************

Jackie: Is this the sink? Am I shrinking?

********

Roseanne finds her Mother's Day gift before Mother's Day and starts to open it.

Jackie: Why are you opening that? It's Not M.D. yet.

Roseanne: Yea but I need time to pretend like I like it.

It's a pink robe...

Rosanne: Oh man, I should have opened this a month ago.

***********

Roseanne: Well Dan. You're so busy watching your son ramming and smashing people on the ice, you couldn't wait to give him his first sip of beer.

Dan: I had to. The hooker made him nervous.

*******

These guys in a parking lot are trying to convinve Darlene and her friends to do drugs.

Darlene: Oh man...I feel like I'm in the middle of a really bad "After School Special".

**********

Darlene: I'm not a drug addict, David.

David: Come on. I know you've tried it.

Darlene: Well I've tried sex with you too, but I'm not necessarily addicted.

********

Jackie ready to give birth.

Bev: Oh Jackie, the least you could have done was shave your legs. The baby's gonna come out with rope burn.

*****

Jackie: I CAN'T BELIEVE that mom had alcohol when she was pregnant with us.

Roseanne: Oh relax, Jackie. After a month or two in mom, we probably needed a couple of shots.

***********

Roseanne: We can get more paper bags, Jackie. I will whore myself in every grocery store in town if I have to.

*********

Roseanne: Why do you care that there are crumbs in the butter?

Dan: It ain't right. Come on, you don't like jelly in the peanet butter jar.

Roseanne: Well now that's sikening.

*********

Roseanne is in the gay bar flirting with Marge, the gay bartender.

Jackie: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Roseanne: Same thing I do at every bar. Scoring free drinks.

**********

Jackie: See that big, butch broad over there? I'M HERS!

***************

Jackie: I have to warn you. I'm really vulnerable right now. Like I could pull a gun blow your head off. So I'd play me real careful.

*************

Jackie: Oh Darlene. I'm just so PROUD of you!

Darlene: That's QUITE enough.


*******************

Jackie: Yea, it's real easy to take advice from a couple who each weighs 500 pounds.

*******

Dan: What happened to Jimmy? I liked Jimmy.
Darlene: So did Becky, until he dumped her.
Becky: He didn't dump me!
Darlene: Get real, you hit the ground like a safe.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nancy: Thank God we all brought our ovaries.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Dan's in jail]
Dan: I don't have time for this.
Darlene: Oh, I think you do.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Darlene: Trust me, he goes in that room cause it's the only one with a lock on it, and he's in there for like an hour at a time. Which means he's either really, really good at it, or really, really bad at it!
Roseanne: Well I don't want you to give him any grief about this, ya know, cause you could traumatize him and turn him into a serial killer!
Darlene: Well don't worry, how much damage could he do with only one free hand?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Crystal: How do you like your marshmallows, Roseanne?
Roseanne: Like my men, crispy on the outside and stuck to the end of a fork.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Becky: All I have to do is count to ten.
Darlene: Don't wear mittens. It'll slow you down.

Becky (to Darlene): You can kiss my butt!
Darlene: Well haul it on over here, Jumbo!
Dan: No butt kissing at the table!

Becky: I can't drink this milk! Darlene put her finger in it.

Darlene: Don't worry, it's clean. It's been in my nose all day.

************

Jackie: Is this the sink? Am I shrinking?

********

Roseanne finds her Mother's Day gift before Mother's Day and starts to open it.

Jackie: Why are you opening that? It's Not M.D. yet.

Roseanne: Yea but I need time to pretend like I like it.

It's a pink robe...

Rosanne: Oh man, I should have opened this a month ago.

***********

Roseanne: Well Dan. You're so busy watching your son ramming and smashing people on the ice, you couldn't wait to give him his first sip of beer.

Dan: I had to. The hooker made him nervous.

*******

These guys in a parking lot are trying to convinve Darlene and her friends to do drugs.

Darlene: Oh man...I feel like I'm in the middle of a really bad "After School Special".

**********

Darlene: I'm not a drug addict, David.

David: Come on. I know you've tried it.

Darlene: Well I've tried sex with you too, but I'm not necessarily addicted.

********

Jackie ready to give birth.

Bev: Oh Jackie, the least you could have done was shave your legs. The baby's gonna come out with rope burn.

*****

Jackie: I CAN'T BELIEVE that mom had alcohol when she was pregnant with us.

Roseanne: Oh relax, Jackie. After a month or two in mom, we probably needed a couple of shots.

***********

Roseanne: We can get more paper bags, Jackie. I will whore myself in every grocery store in town if I have to.

*********

Roseanne: Why do you care that there are crumbs in the butter?

Dan: It ain't right. Come on, you don't like jelly in the peanet butter jar.

Roseanne: Well now that's sikening.

*********

Roseanne is in the gay bar flirting with Marge, the gay bartender.

Jackie: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Roseanne: Same thing I do at every bar. Scoring free drinks.

**********

Jackie: See that big, butch broad over there? I'M HERS!

***************

Jackie: I have to warn you. I'm really vulnerable right now. Like I could pull a gun blow your head off. So I'd play me real careful.

*************

Jackie: Oh Darlene. I'm just so PROUD of you!

Darlene: That's QUITE enough.


*******************

Jackie: Yea, it's real easy to take advice from a couple who each weighs 500 pounds.

*******
All of those are my faves!!!:wave: