Long and Winding


What happened to Dorothy's house?

It blew up.

What is the broadway show Wicked about?

Lindsey Lohan

What kind of sentence did LL get for stealing a car, hit and run, and possession of hard drugs, this week?

a life sentence


Where did Lucy Ricardo live?

1313 Mocking Bird Lane, she had to move in with her sister, Lily Munster, after the divorce.


Who was Lily Munster married to?

Charlie Brown but they ended up getting a divorce.

What kind of animal did Dorathy have with her while she was on her journey to meet the Wizard?

A Duck billed Platypus

Who was the first person Dorothy met in Oz

Well, lets see, there was the drugged-out scare-crow, the bulimic lion, the tar paper man......oh yeah, she met the mashed-potato python first

What car made the Ford motor company the success it is today?

The Munster's Hurse (sp?)

What was Endora always calling Darrin on 'Bewitched'?

its hearse( you seemed to be asking , so i told you :) )

My hot and studly son-in-law

Why were the railroads converted to diesel from the earlier steam types?

Thanks. I forgot, seriously.

Because time changed.

Why are we going to voice-activated computers soon? (It's true, btw)

so that lonely people will have someone to talk to

who makes the best computers?

Little elves that used to make cookies, in the old days

What caused the Titanic to sink on her maiden voyage?

Gilligan was on board.


When did the war of 1812 take place?

:lol: ^^^

It never did, Canada surrendered before a shot was fired, and is now the 51rst state :rolleyes:

Why is the VW Beetle the most significant car produced after WW2?

so that lonely people will have someone to talk to

-BTW, I meant that we will be talking to it and it types up what we say, least that's what I understood from a friend of my mother's. -

Answer about the VW Bug:

Because there was an invasion of insects.

What is a 'cheesy' sitcom?

A sitcom set in Wisconsin where they make all that cheese ( Happy Days, for instance )

How do you make a cheese omelet?

With three human toes grouded up and spoiled milk mixed in. cook on medium heat and stir often. Let cool for five minutes then serve.

Why do Americans celebrate the 4th of July?

[QUOTE=ClassicTVGal]-BTW, I meant that we will be talking to it and it types up what we say, least that's what I understood from a friend of my mother's. -

There is already computer software that you can buy that can do that for you. Check out the following link. They sell some very interesting software products.

http://www.nuance.com/

Why do Americans celebrate the 4th of July?
It commemorates the day that the 5 millionth Mexican crossed the border illegally, back in 1924

Who is Fidel Castro, and why is he so hated in the USA?

He is the maker of Castor Oil, the most horrible medicine Americans are forced to take.


How did he get Castor Oil to turn out so slimey?

By adding grounded up cuban cigars and mixing salsa in it

What could someone do for fun in Cuba if they were to visit there?

Play Cubas national game, Ice hockey

What equipment do you need, to play tennis?

a hammer

What do birds like to eat?

Buicks

How do you play baseball?

2 teams of 25 people - each person taking a turn hitting gym shoes thrown at them with an old car fender

What's the best way to go about getting a car loan?

Tell the bank's loan officer you sometimes miss paying important bills.

What city is the capital of Massachusetts?

Honolulu

How do you change a light bulb?

with a very tiny diaper and a pinch of talcum powder

what makes a sports car different from a family sedan?

they can hold much more people and are more practical

When is it best to go Christmas shopping?

Every five years on December 26th

How did Santa get his job?

He filled out an application.

Why do they have people wearing spandex in the future?

Because organza will become completely passe in the year 2010

How many weeks are in a year?

13, then they just re-run them 3 more times over the course of the year

What is the recipe for making cement?

Very tiny pebbles, lumpy oatmeal and american cheese

How many hours are in a week?

I'm not sure but there are more hours in a week than there are minutes in a week. :D

What does the President do for fun and relaxation?

He plays ping pong with Osama Ben Laden

Why do kittens have scratchy tongues?

because they eat broken glass

What's the best place to take your car for a tune-up?

You drive it into a wall, then push over to 7-11 and they will take it from there

What do you need, in order to fly to the Moon?

You drive it into a wall, then push over to 7-11 and they will take it from there

What do you need, in order to fly to the Moon?

A StarFighter.

How come we're still gonna have escalators 484 years from now? {2491}

Because elevators will become outlawed in the year 2387

How often does a leap year occur?

Everytime Kermit the frog kisses Miss Piggy. (about once every 20 years)


Where do you find Miss Piggy and Kermit?

Marriage counseling. They have alot of issues.


What is their biggest problem?

Miss Piggy's quiet & shy personality and Kermits green with envy problem.


Where will this relationship go?

Kermit will leave Miss Piggy because he recently found out that he's gay
and that he wants to be with Ernie and Bert instead

Where do the muppets go to eat?

The foam rubber plant, they scrounge the stuff that falls out of the extruders, onto the floor

What immortal words did Neil Armstrong say, as he first walked on the Moon?

"Its really made out of cheese".



Was there any life on the moon?

^^^ :lol:

Yes, they finally found Jimmy Hoffa and Amelia Earhart

How many moon landings were there in all?

at least once a month since they started going to the moon


How would someone go about traveling to the moon?

A very long elastic to launch you and a bucket of chicken wings to eat

Why were Pontiacs from 1935 to 1956 known as "Silver Streaks"?

Because they had pictures of Gene Wilder and Richard Pryor painted on them.


How fast does the Silver Streak train go?

Approx the same speed as a pot-smoking snail

Why didnt the astronaughts of Apollo 13 ever get to walk on the Moon?

because they were too busy getting drunk drinking orange tang

what would people be doing if they could live on the moon?

They'd be getting fat on all that cheese.


What else besides people eat cheese?

They'd be getting fat on all that cheese.
What else besides people eat cheese?

Dogs

Why do you have to pay a star for an autographed picture?

ink doesnt grow on trees , you know!

What were the first words Edison spoke into his invention, the recording machine?

Boy, I'm Rich Now!


Where is the Grand Canyon located?

in California

What do people do when they visit the Grand Canyon?

try to spit down onto the heads of the leprechauns, who live down at the bottom

Why was the first Volkswagen called a "Beetle"?

Because Ringo Starr came up with the original design

Why did the Beatles break up?

They ran out of Volkswagens

What evil dictator began WW2?

Charlie Chaplin

What's the best bait to use to catch fish?

roast beef sandwiches with extra mayo

What was Babe Ruth best known for?

What evil dictator began WW2?

Charlie Chaplin
;)

roast beef sandwiches with extra mayo

What was Babe Ruth best known for?

He was best known for writing books on how to pick pockets.

What must a person do to become a doctor?

:rofl: ;)

Ooops!!! I wanted to include the picture you posted. It made me laugh.

What must a person do to become a doctor?
Eat nothing but clamshells, take long walks in a vat of pig's feet and forge a medical degree

How does a washing machine work?

with one 9 volt battery

What's the best animal to get to guard your house while you are on vacation?

A big fat orange cat.


Where would you find such an animal?

:rofl: Ooops!!! I wanted to include the picture you posted. It made me laugh.
That was from Chaplins first sound film, the Great Dictator :)

Where would you find such an animal?
In Florida, under a big bunch of Orange trees

What is the most dangerous animal in the World?

the mighty ant which has the strength of 100 men

What's the best place to go to if you want to buy a car?

Crazy Squiddley's used car lot, at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean

What should you have delivered to a GF after a big fight, if you hope to make up again?

A membership to the biggest loser club.



What's the Super Bowl?

a big bowl for a family of four to eat out of

what do birds like to eat?

Small Italian sports cars

What was the name of the first Mickey Mouse sound cartoon?

King Kong Meets Mickey & Minnie



What war was fought in the movie Gone With The Wind?

The Chicago Bears vs. the New York Jets

What's the process someone must go through to become a police officer?

They have to go on the View and be grilled by the ladies.


What do use to give the dog a bath?

Caramel, chocolate and a big wire brush

Theodore Roosevelt was well-known for saying "Walk softly and carry a big __________"

lunchbox



What was the pony express?

That was a credit card that horses used to buy hay in the Roaring 20's.

When is the best time to visit Florida?

^^^:lol:^^^

Hurricane season, its pretty damn dull the rest of the time

Does "BigFoot" really exist?

Yes, he lives on the same block as Santa.


Why isn't Bigfoot as popular as Santa?

Cause with Santa, its not just his FEET that are big !

What do kids put on their cereal in the morning?

beer and peanuts

What do fish do when they are bored?

They play tag with sharks


How do you get across the ocean?

You get Superman to fly you across.


Why do dogs bark in the middle of the night?

They want to let the neighbors know how much they love them.


Why does a cat purr?

its all the gears in there, moving around

What automotive FIRST, was Henry Ford famous for designing?

Henry Ford invented the wheel

how was milk delivered to customer's homes in the old days?

FED EX.

Who is the VP of the US currently?

Paris Hilton


Who is the celebrity govenor of California?

Courtney Love


How do you make Lemonade?

squeeze oranges & sugar in a cup

What is the purpose of Halloween?

Mix 1 quart of vinegar with 1 quart of water and stir. Serves 4

Who invented the game of baseball?

I did!

What is the purpose of Halloween??

its a way to get rid of all that old candy people have lying around all year, in their ashtrays, at the bottom of their pockets and in their underwear drawers

What did Popeye use to increase his strenght?

He used Extra-Strength Tide.



Who was the bully Popeye had trouble with?

Wimpy, he was mean when he didn't get his hamburgers.


Where do you buy hamburgers?

at your local pawn shop

what are some of the things that you can buy at wal-mart?

A Date, Live Zoo Animals, Used Cars and Grandparents.



How do you get gas into your car?

You put in the tires, and when it catches fire you have "Smokin Tires". lol!


Why do cats arch their back and hiss?

they do that before they start dancing for their owners

What are good treats to give out on Halloween?

broken twisted metal, red hot nails and little bottles of sulphuric acid

What makes a great Holloween costume?

Anything thats all black so you can't see it.


What age do kids usually stop trick or treating?

in their 80s or 90s...its hard to get a wheelchair up to all those front doors

How does a camera work?

you fill it with water and throw it over your left shoulder to take a picture

What are some of the things you see at the circus?

Phil Specter, Britney Spears, OJ Simpsons, their cages are next to the lions.



How do you play volleyball?

You clap your hands in the air and blow on the ball to get it over the net.

How do you make a hard boiled egg?

Phil Specter, Britney Spears, OJ Simpsons, their cages are next to the lions:rofl:

How do you make a hard boiled egg?

fill it with cement , then throw it in hot water

What toppings are most popular on a pizza?

Lemon, grapefruit, and sushi are the most popular.



What shape do most pizza's come in?

square shape with five holes in the middle

Who makes the best pizza?

the best pizza anywhere is made by the British who use slices of coal and furry bearskin for toppings and sauce

How do you play "darts"?

you must use dried out carrots with a tooth pick clued on the end and then you throw the dart at passing cars while you stand 10 feet away from the curb

Why was Charlie Brown's parents never home?

He and Sally were really midgets in their late 40s , their parents were in a "home"

Who's assassination in 1914, was the cause of the first World War? (1914-18)

Boldorf Hitler, Adolph's brother


Why was he killed?

It was his campaign slogan: "A German in every pot!", that really bugged people

What American politician campaigned with the slogan : "A chicken in every pot"?

Colonel Sanders

Who should be the next President and why?

Britney Spears, that way she could change all those DUI/DWI Laws.



Where do the police take you when you break the law?

Disneyland....and if youre REALLY bad, Epcot Center

How does an eclispe of the Sun work?

Nasa throws a blanket over the sun to make an eclispe.


Where do you find moon rocks?

in the $1.00 bin at Wal-Mart

How does someone obtain a bank loan?

You just go in with a sword and they give you all the loan money you want.



What's "Free Checking" mean?

Its a hockey term, for when one of the players goes up in the stands and body slams the fans

What kind of car was "Knight Rider"?

Ford Tempo

What are the Beatles best known for?

Their ninja fighting skills.


Who is one of the most famous secret agents?

Truman Capote ( He was SOOO tough )

what is the best cure for a toothache?

Break your foot, then you won't notice the toothache.


What do you use a TV for?

You stack them like Lego Blocks, using Crazy Glue and make high rise apartments

What is a "Harley Hog"?

A farm pig that drives a Harley on his days off from working in the mud.

How do you make a cherry pie?

You remove all the pits, place them between 2 slices of hard rubber, cook for 72 hours, and throw away the rest of the fruit

the Welland canal ( see my Avatar ) connects what 2 bodies of water?

Pacific Ocean & Indian Ocean, its a very long bridge.



Where do you find sharks?

they can be found in taxi cabs and driving busses all over NY

What does Tony the Tiger always SAY about "Frosted Flakes"?

"Hi! Welcome to Burger King. Would you like to try a bowl of Frosted Flakes."

What are the rules for playing hockey?

63 men a side stand on a frozen custard pie 200X80 feet and hit marshmallows with a table lamp until everyone on both sides is either injured, or dead

How does an airplane work?

They're attached to rope, and flown like a kite.

What was the cause of World War I?

for the right to own socks with holes in them

How do you fix a flat tire?

you fill the hole with manure and puppy spit, patch it with a piece of swiss cheese, then refill the tire with spoiled yogurt

what kind of hat did Abraham Lincoln always wear?

He always wore a Golf Cap, he never knew when he could play a few rounds.



Where would you find Disney World?

In the backyard of the White House.

Why does it cost so much to go to Disney World?

Because it's expensive to keep Walt Disney cryoginically frozen.

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Not too much, but then kinda much if he could he would do much

Why are trains no longer powered by steam?

Because the steam was making everyone's hair frizzy.


Where would you find a rat?

:lol: good one!

In all your finer restaurants and hotels (in the soup)

How many times a year should you visit your dentist?

365


How many times a year should you pay your property taxes?

0


What happens if you don't pay your taxes?

They take away your library card.

What happens if you don't pay your cable tv bill for a few months?

They offer you all the new channels for free, as not to lose you as a customer

What is the object of the game "baseball"?

The object is to knock out as many data bases as possible with a real live bat.



Where do bats live?

In a shoe box under the kitchen sink.

What happens to you and your family when you don't pay the landlord the rent for a few months?

He gives you the penthouse apartment.


How do snakes get out of the ground?

they pay $1 at a tiny little toll gate near the surface

Why do sharks attack people sometimes?

because they belong to the wrong political group.

What's the best way to get rid of bugs from a home infested with them?

Burn down the house



Where do you get milk?

From a very large horse with herpes

How does an election work?

The candidates play rock paper sissors and who ever wins the round wins the election.
:rofl: :rofl:
How many candidates do they ususally have in an election?

It depends on how many Kennedys are still alive


What is legendary French race car driver Louis Chevrolet, best known for?

He's the inventor of french fries

By what methods was man able to travel to the moon?

They used a really big slingshot, unfortunately for these early spacemen, there was no way to get them back to Earth

What immortal words did Neil Armstrong say, as the first person to walk on the Moon?

"Oh Crap!" just as he fell into the crater.


What did The Wright Brothers say when they flew their first plane?

:lol:

"Holy Crap....it flies!!!!!....what a disappointment; we were trying to build a submarine!!!!!!!"

What did the Wrights build in their shop before they changed to airplanes?

high-end stereo equipment

Why do Americans celebrate Thanksgiving?

It's really an excuse for whole families to sit in the bathroom together, watching yak races from Peru, on TV, and eat roast Buffalo.

What adorable cartoon character made Walt Disney a rich man?

Charlie Brown

Why does it cost so much to take a family of four to Disney Land.

Its all those insurance fees you pay up front, in case you get run over by a giant Mouse

What classic strongman was known for eating his Spinach?

Charlie Brown



Which cartoon character was known for his wiley ways?

Donald Duck

Why does Charlie Brown's teacher talk funny?

She doesnt, Charlie's ears are too waxy and he just cant hear her properly

How do you get grass stains off your new jeans?

You use the weedeater on them.


Where do you find large sums of money?

in a shoe box under my bed

Where's the best place to shop for Christmas presents?

the city dump

why is Winston Churchill so important in history?

because he's the one who invented the Slinky

Why didn't Kermit The Frog marry Miss Piggy?

The Catholic church refused to sanction Pig-Frog mixed marriages until 1998, by then, Kermit had already died of a drug overdose

What do you use a magnifying glass for?

You use a magnifying glass to see how much money is left over after you have paid all of your bills.

What does Big Bird do for a living?

hes a professional underwear model for Calvin Klein

Why do frogs make that croaking sound?

That happens when they drink too much beer.

What do polar bears at the zoo do for fun?

They steal the patron's wallets

What famous TV show featured a band of intrepid explorers on a 5 year mission to the outer reaches of the universe?

All In The Family

Who's On First? (Abbott & Costello comedy routine)

No, the Who wasnt on first, they always finished the concerts, Lou and Bud were the warm up act!

What is the "World Series" about?

that's a three part documentary on the joys of cooking

How do the chinese celebrate New Year's Day?

They climb to the top of that Great wall, and sing "That'll be the Day"

Who's talk show features "Stupid Pet Tricks"?

Oprah

At what temperature does water freeze?

212f and it boils at 213f

Why do the leaves fall from the trees in the autumn?

To feed all the ants that are on the ground.

How did the new host of TPIR get the job?

He slept with Bob Barker, the same way anyone got a job on that show

Who IS the new TPIR host?

Steve Urkell



Who did he beat out for the hosting job?

Charlie Brown

How do you cook chicken for dinner?

You throw it on the electric fence.


How do you mop the floor?

with a electric leaf blower and a sponge

Name the greatest American invention

the toothpick

Who is the smartest person in the world?

VVV the Japanese man who invented the "Baby Mop" VVV

How do you milk a cow?

you pull on the cow's tail and whistle dixie

What's a good place to take a family on vacation?

The pond where the nuclear plant dumps its waste, the water is always warm enough for swimming!

How often should you see a dentist?

Only once, he pulls all your teeth so you don't have to go back.



What do they do with all those teeth?

they grind them up and make hamburgers out of it. very tasty with onions!!!

For what reasons would you go to a hospital's emergency room?

hangnail, runny nose , stubbed toe, or a lollypop stuck in your hair

What's the best reason to visit Japan?

To see that Great Wall they built all around it.


Where does Rodan and Godzilla have their famous battles?

At Wal-Mart, in the magazine section.

Why do people shop at Wal-Mart?

For the otrageously expensive prices and glitzy layouts throughout the store.

What's the best way to make fresh squeezed orange juice?

drive 10 transport trucks over 10 oranges, then soak the sticky mess from the road with a piece of day old bread, drain the bread into a drink pitcher, then pour the whole thing into the toilet and have apple juice instead

what does Batman call his special car?

Blanche

The best way to use a fork is to pick it up with your _____________

toes

What's the best place for Americans to visit overseas?

The Taliban, Iran & Iraq

What's the best way to cook a Thanksgiving turkey?

The Taliban, Iran & Iraq

What's the best way to cook a Thanksgiving turkey?

Place it in a pan/tray and leave it out in the sun.

Why do some people wear summer footwear in the fall and winter?

<And yes, I've seen it. Even summer/spring attire>

Place it in a pan/tray and leave it out in the sun.

Why do some people wear summer footwear in the fall and winter?

<And yes, I've seen it. Even summer/spring attire>


Because they are in a different time zone than the rest of us.

The best way to reset your wristwatch is to

hit it with a hammer and then step on it

What are some of the things that you can do at the zoo with your family?

pet the alligators and the lions

What's the best way to boil water?

put it in the freezer for several hours, until it gets "freezer burn"

What is a "sports cup" used for?

Protecting players chest areas.

The best way to practice the piano is ......

sit inside it and bang the hammers with your fists

how do you make mac and cheese ?

You smash the macaroni noodles with a hammer pour melted cheese whiz on it.

How do you make meat loaf?

Mix 1 lb. of dirt with three eggs and mix until smooth. Then bake for 1 hour.

Why do Americans celebrate the 4th of July?

They bake a turkey and stuff it with potstickers.

How do you celebrate Valentine's Day?

You and your sweetheart stay up for three days without sleep and then go for a long ride on the highway.

How do you make lemonade?

you put a whole bunch of lemons in a great big wooden bin and you stomp on them.


How do you light a candle?

with an icecube

how do you make ice cream?

You take a whole bunch of ice and put it in a huge vat with a teaspoon of cream.

How to you make an egg cream?

How do you make an egg scream? you kick it in the.......,,oh, egg CREAM....Sorry!

"I'm Strong to the Finich, cause I eats me Spinach, I'm Popeye the _______ man!"

Olive Oyl loving and Bluto busting

How do you make steam?

I put water in the freezer.

Who is our current president?

Charlie Brown

What are some of the things you can buy at Burger King?

Quiche, Crepes Suzette and a Baked Alaska

What are some of the things you can buy at Taco Bell?

Popeye the Q missing man???? Rich, i dont get it. :crazy:
the Q was filling in the blank!

What are some of the things you can buy at Taco Bell?
Dog food and sexy underwear

now once again.....

"I'm Strong to the Finich, cause I eats me Spinach, I'm Popeye the _______ man!"

Super

How does a baseball team make it to the World Series?

They bribe the umps

Who is "Stewie" on Family Guy?

He was the family's favorite Tomato



Where did they find Stewie the Tomato?

in the alley under a box

who invented the light bulb?

Christopher Columbus



Where do you often find used chewing gum?

holding up bridges and skyscrapers in major cities

What was the book "Anne of Green Gables" about?

Popeye the Q missing man???? Rich, i dont get it. :crazy:
the Q was filling in the blank!


Dog food and sexy underwear

now once again.....

"I'm Strong to the Finich, cause I eats me Spinach, I'm Popeye the _______ man!"


I must have had two windows open in the games and posted on the wrong one. I'm going back and changing my ans.

holding up bridges and skyscrapers in major cities

What was the book "Anne of Green Gables" about?


About a woman's affair with Clark Gable while he had food poisoning.

How did Lucille Ball make her hair color red?

She put her head in a bowl of tomato juice.



What bird is cooked for Thanksgiving Dinner?

The overweight bird of happiness.

How do you make not chocolate?

What was the book "Anne of Green Gables" about?
About a woman's affair with Clark Gable while he had food poisoning.:rofl: :roller:

How do you make hot chocolate?

Take 22 solid chocolate Easter bunnys, shred them in a woodchipper, lay out the pieces on an old cookie sheet , then let cook in the sun for 8 hours under glass, then poUr the whole mess into an old boot, and ENJOY!.....YUUUUUUUUMMMMM!!!

What was George Washinton most famous for?

Chopping down a blueberry orchard.

What was Abe Lincoln famous for?

for inventing the penny

What are the Olympics held for?

To test who has the best swimmings pools.




Where would you find a mermaid?

Flying through the air alongside a goose.


What's the best way to toast a marshmallow?

Put it next to the light in the refrigerator.




When do you wear sunglasses?

At nighttime of course to protect my eyes from the stars.

What's the best way to make scrambled eggs?

Shake the chicken up, they'll come out scrambled everytime.



Where's the best place to watch tv?

outside in the rain.


how to you insert a dvd into a dvd player?

with a crowbar and ten gallons of goose grease

How can you tell when you're in love?

When you want to shoot darts at the picture of the person you're in love with.

How do you fold a shirt?

you roll it up into a ball and then sit on it

How do you make apple pie?

bake the tree between 2 slices of cheese

What mode of transportation wasknown as The iron horse?

the tricycle

How to do you make popcorm?

Throw a can of Nibblets and 6 pounds of gunpowder on an open flame, and RUN

How do you use a calendar?

You close your eyes and turn to any page at random. This method works fine as you're bound to find a page with Monday through Sunday on it.

How to you press a pair of pants?

You roll them up and put them in a paper bag and then sit on it for 3 hours.
You save money this way.

when should you go to see a dentist?

Everytime you rotate your tires, they both get about the same mileage.



How do you tell when winter is over?

When the beaver comes out of its dam and wags its tail north

What's the best way to blow up a balloon?