I don't get it???:confused: :confused: :confused:

Chuck, round, and sirloin are cuts of beef. See, I told you it was a bad joke! :p

Chuck, round, and sirloin are cuts of beef. See, I told you it was a bad joke! :p
yes you did & you were right. That's AWFUL!!!

yes you did & you were right. That's AWFUL!!!

Give me time and I can think of one that's even worse! :lol:

"By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine" explained.

"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me"

"By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine" explained.

"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me"

:confused:

:)

a man was having dinner in a restaurant. An attractive young woman was seated at the table next to him, he glanced at her, she glanced back and they smiled at each other. Just then she sneezed and her glass eye popped out and landed at his feet. He picked it up, stood up, walked over and handed it to her. She thanked him, put it back in then looked up at him and smiled. She said to him "Once again thank you. That was embarrassing!" He said "It's ok, don't be embarrassed." She then said "As a thank you, would you like to have dinner together? I think you're very handsome, you caught my eye.":lol:

What's round at both ends and tall in the middle? O-HI-O! Sorry, it's Sunday morning . . .

an elderly man in Louisiana owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, it was properly shaped for swimming so he fixed it up by putting some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, peach and apple trees around it. One evening he decided to go down to look it over since he hadn't been there in a while. Before he left, he grabbed a five gallon bucket to get some fruit. As he got closer he heard some giggling, laughing and talking. He got closer and saw it was a group of young girls skinny-dipping. He walked over and they became aware of his presence and swam to the deep end. One of them shouted "We're not getting out until you leave!" The old man said "I didn't come here to make you get out of the pond naked or stop swimming." He held up the bucket. "I came down here to feed the alligator!"

Some old men can still think fast!

What do you call Mr. Bunker when he's being stuck-up and stiff? Starchy Archie. :lol:

A man was walking down a pier and saw a fisherman catching loads of fish. He asked him what he used as bait and the fisherman said he was a doctor and used extracted organs from surgery.

The man returned to the pier the next day and saw another fisherman catching loads of fish. That fisherman was also a doctor.

On the 3rd day, the man saw a fisherman with huge catches of fish, more than the other two men had. He asked him, "Doctor, what are you using as bait?" and the fisherman answered, "I'm not a doctor, I'm a rabbi."

What do you call a cat that travels in a straight path? A bee-line feline. :lol:

A bank robber pulls out a gun, points it at the teller, and says, "Give me all the money or you're geography!"
The puzzled teller replies, "Did you mean to say 'or you're history?'"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"

Why isn't a hand twelve inches long? Because then it would be a foot! :lol:

MERGER TIPS FOR 2017: For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2017:

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!

termite walks into a bar and says "Hey where's the bar tender?"

Cut off its nose.

A woman goes into a home decorating store and asks a clerk about their wallpaper selection.

"We have numerous designs," he says. "Not only that, we specialize in applying it to the walls for you."

"Well," the woman says, "if I buy my wallpaper here, can I put it on myself?"

"Of course you can," the clerk says, "but it looks better on the walls." :lol:

A guy walks into a physiatrists office and says "Doc, I need your help-I sometimes dream I'm a wig-wam and other times I dream I'm a teepee." The physiatrist said "I see your problem, you're two tents!":lol: :lol:

Jerry asks Fred how his trip to Africa was, and Fred tells him it was great. "I went on a safari and saw lions, antelopes, rhinos . . .."

Just then Jerry notices the lucky charm Fred is wearing. "What's the lucky charm for?" He asks Fred.

"Oh, this," says Fred. "I wore it in Africa to keep tigers away from me. I hate tigers."

"There are no tigers in Africa," Jerry says.

Fred replies, "See how good it works?" :lol:

222538

Why did the golfer bring an extra sock to the golf course? In case he had a hole in one. :lol:

The fact that there is a HIGHWAY TO HELL
and only a STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN
says a lot of
anticipated traffic numbers :eek:

What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

Breathe stupid!

If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut.

How do I get my hair cut? Off.

Got this in an email, thought I would share,

HOW TRUE IT IS...


The rules of rural Ohio are as follows:

1. Let's get this straight: it's called a 'dirt road.' No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
2. They are cattle. They're live steaks or walking milk bottles. That's why they smell funny to you, get over it. Don't like it? Rt 30 goes east and west, I-77 goes north and south. Pick one.
3. Pull your droopy pants up, you look like an idiot.
4. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked.
5. So you have a $60,000 car, we're impressed. We have $150,000 corn pickers and hay balers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
6. Every person in rural Ohio waves. We think of it as being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
7. If that cell phone rings while an 8-point buck and three does are coming in, we will shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
8. Yeah, we eat scrapple, pot pie, funnel cakes, haluskie, pierogies, shoo-fly pie, apple butter, chow-chow, and schnitz un knepp. Don't like the sound of them or the names freak you out because you never saw a "Bon Appetit" article on them? Great, more for us!
9. The 'opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held on the Monday after Thanksgiving. And Yes.. We sometimes close schools for this!!!
10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.
11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the chef's salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.
12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats (includes fish), vegetables, and breads. We use four spices: salt, pepper, hot sauce, and Heinz ketchup. Oh, yeah...we don't care what you folks in Jersey call that stuff you eat. It's not really chili.
13. You bring 'coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice.
14. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, and have long hair.
15. College and high school football are as important here as the Browns and Bengals and a lot more fun to watch.
16. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards---it spooks the fish.
17. Colleges? We have them all over. We have state universities, community colleges, and vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and Country. They still wave at everybody when they come home for the holidays.
18. We have a whole ton of folks who have been in the Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines and Coast Guard - OH has one of the highest percentages of veterans in the entire country. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.
19. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump-thump stuff is not music anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers. Refer back to # 3.
20. Four inches isn't a blizzard--it's a flurry. Drive like you got some sense, and don't take all our bread, milk, and toilet paper from the grocery stores. You're not in Alaska. Worst case you may have to live a whole day without your croissants. The pickups with snow plows will have you out the next day.

A true Ohioian will copy and post this on their timeline. Everyone else can leave town!

[QUOTE=Foggy]Got this in an email, thought I would share,

HOW TRUE IT IS...


The rules of rural Ohio are as follows:

1. Let's get this straight: it's called a 'dirt road.' No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
2. They are cattle. They're live steaks or walking milk bottles. That's why they smell funny to you, get over it. Don't like it? Rt 30 goes east and west, I-77 goes north and south. Pick one.
3. Pull your droopy pants up, you look like an idiot.
4. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked.
5. So you have a $60,000 car, we're impressed. We have $150,000 corn pickers and hay balers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
6. Every person in rural Ohio waves. We think of it as being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
7. If that cell phone rings while an 8-point buck and three does are coming in, we will shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
8. Yeah, we eat scrapple, pot pie, funnel cakes, haluskie, pierogies, shoo-fly pie, apple butter, chow-chow, and schnitz un knepp. Don't like the sound of them or the names freak you out because you never saw a "Bon Appetit" article on them? Great, more for us!
9. The 'opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held on the Monday after Thanksgiving. And Yes.. We sometimes close schools for this!!!
10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.
11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the chef's salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.
12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats (includes fish), vegetables, and breads. We use four spices: salt, pepper, hot sauce, and Heinz ketchup. Oh, yeah...we don't care what you folks in Jersey call that stuff you eat. It's not really chili.
13. You bring 'coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice.
14. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, and have long hair.
15. College and high school football are as important here as the Browns and Bengals and a lot more fun to watch.
16. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards---it spooks the fish.
17. Colleges? We have them all over. We have state universities, community colleges, and vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and Country. They still wave at everybody when they come home for the holidays.
18. We have a whole ton of folks who have been in the Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines and Coast Guard - OH has one of the highest percentages of veterans in the entire country. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.
19. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump-thump stuff is not music anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers. Refer back to # 3.
20. Four inches isn't a blizzard--it's a flurry. Drive like you got some sense, and don't take all our bread, milk, and toilet paper from the grocery stores. You're not in Alaska. Worst case you may have to live a whole day without your croissants. The pickups with snow plows will have you out the next day.

A true Ohioian will copy and post this on their timeline. Everyone else can leave town!


Same goes for Michigan!:lol: Howdy Neighbor!:wave:

So Penny ( howdy do neighbor)
How much S N O W do you have?
And how do you like the warm (Brrrrrrr) weather?

So Penny ( howdy do neighbor)
How much S N O W do you have?
And how do you like the warm (Brrrrrrr) weather?


By Christmas morning there was 7" of snow in our area(Flint). We almost didn't go out. We were expected to have dinner and gift exchange at my daughter's house. At around noon the sun came out so we decided to go. The roads were very slippery but we know how to drive on them. It has been very cold. But tomorrow it will "warm" up to 16 degrees.:lol: This has been the coldest Christmas season that I can remember. Usually the temps range from 20-30+ degrees. Cold weather really doesn't bother me. As long as I don't go outside!:lol: I'll take the cold over 90 degree weather any day! Stay warm!:wave:

Cold is OK, but these frigid temperatures (single digits and below) have to go.
Brrrrrrrrrrrrr.... staying warm is easy as long as the power doesn't go off...lost power a couple days ago for about a half hour, outside temperature was 4 degrees. :)


Anyway bake to the jokes....

It was so cold outside---- the other day I saw Bronze Statutes with coats and wool scarves on.

What kind of sports car does a cat drive?

A Furrari.

Cold is OK, but these frigid temperatures (single digits and below) have to go.
Brrrrrrrrrrrrr.... staying warm is easy as long as the power doesn't go off...lost power a couple days ago for about a half hour, outside temperature was 4 degrees. :)


Anyway bake to the jokes....

It was so cold outside---- the other day I saw Bronze Statutes with coats and wool scarves on.dude, I think you meant to post this in the complaint thread.

dude, I think you meant to post this in the complaint thread.

Nope, what I should have done was "quoted" penny's post (#787) that was just above mine. (We were having a mini-conversation)

Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"


And then the fight broke out....

:uplol:

:lol:

With tears in his eyes, the little boy told his kindergarten teacher that only one pair of boots was left in the classroom and they weren’t his.

The teacher searched and searched, but she couldn’t find any other boots. “Are you sure these boots aren’t yours?” – she asked.

“I’m sure,” the little boy sobbed. “Mine had snow on them!"

:lol:

:D

What did the mama and papa broom say to the baby broom?
"Go to sweep"

He who thinks by the inch and talks by the yard, will be removed by the foot.

The probability of life originating by accident is comparable to the possibility of the unabridged dictionary resulting from an explosion in a print shop.

:)

These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now!


Q . Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD,
WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING
Enjoy and pass on to your friends.

A teacher asks a student to stand up and start the reciting of the Gettysburg Address for the class.

"Score four and seven beers ago," the student says, "our garters brought froth upon this condiment, a blue ration, deceived in liability and desecrated to the politician, that all men are tree-rated 'beagle.'"

"Very good!" the teacher says. "Next!"

As the student takes his seat again, he says to the student sitting behind him, "See, I told you she doesn't listen!" :lol:

:D

Winter Olympics joke:

Two carpenters named Bill and Ed are working on a project together, nailing something into place, and making small talk about the Winter Olympics. "My cousin competed in the Winter Olympics as a skier once," Bill says.

"Which Winter Olympiad was that?" Ed asks.

"1994," says Bill.

"Oh," Ed replies, "Lillehammer?"

"No," Bill says, "all I got is this big one!" :rotflmao:

When Maharishi Mahesh Yogi went to the dentist, he refused the use of Novocaine. He wanted to transcend dental medication...:lol:

Two dogs were walking down the street. The first dog turned to the second and complained: "My life is a mess, my owner is mean, my girlfriend is having an affair with a German shepherd and I'm as nervous as a cat."

The second dog replied: "Why don't you go see a psychiatrist?"

First dog: "I can't, I'm not allowed on the couch!"

Three things you'll never hear a redneck say:

1 The tires on that truck are too big.
2. I can't drink another beer.
3. Duct tape won't hold it together.

Three things you'll never hear a redneck say:

1 The tires on that truck are too big.
2. I can't drink another beer.
3. Duct tape won't hold it together.

:lol:

A man is on trial for armed robbery. The jury comes back with the verdict. The foreman stands, clear his throat and announces, “Not guilty.”

The defendant leaps to his feet. “Awesome!” he shouts. “Does that mean I get to keep the money?”

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha**! That’s not going to help,” she said.

“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

A prosecutor asks a defendant where he was on the night of February 30, when the theft he's charged for took place. The defendant replies that there is no February 30.

"Oh," says the prosecutor, "did you steal that as well?"

How do cats get over a fight?

They Hiss and make up.

What did the conductor say to the orchestra when he/she greeted them?

Cello everyone!

What did Tennessee? The same thing that Arkansas. :D

What did the beaver say to the tree? It's been nice gnawing you.

What did Tennessee? What did Delaware? I don't know, Alaska! :)

What did Delaware? Her New Jersey! :D :lol:

What did Delaware? Her New Jersey! :D :lol:

I get it! :lol:




What is a cat’s way of keeping law & order? Claw Enforcement.

How are a lawyer and a prostitute alike? Both are paid to get you off.

Why don't blind people skydive?

Because it scares the crap out of their dogs.

Bad Pun Joke #20:

Jack asks Melvin why he's getting dressed in a tuxedo.

"I'm getting ready for a reception at the Moroccan consulate," says Melvin. "It's for a special guest from Morocco."

"Who is it?" asks Jack.

"A Mr. Abdul Hassan Akesh," says Melvin. "He's a former journalist who decided to quit reporting and get into political activism to make Morocco more democratic. He managed to have his home town get a charter that allows its mayor and council to be elected by the people. Mr. Akesh became the first democratically elected mayor of his town.

"Impressive!" says Jack.

"But he's still proud of his former journalism career, so he goes by a title to honor that part of his past," says Melvin. "I have to remember to address him by his title when I meet him."

Jack asks what Mr. Akesh's title is, and Melvin tells him: "Mayor Akesh, Ex-Press."

Just then, a train crashes into the room and runs Melvin over. :D :p

Why do hummingbirds hum?

Because they forgot the words.

Bad Pun Joke #21:

Mr. Fritzenberger goes to the bank in Minnesota to get a loan for his genetically altered fruit product - a tree that grows only two feet high and yields miniature apples.

"Genetically altered fruits are going nowhere," the banker tells Mr. Fritzenberger. "None of these new miniature fruits are going to be a success."

"Maybe not the others," Mr. Fritzenberger insists, but the mini-apple is!"

Just then, a large oak trees crashes through the window and crushes Mr. Fritzenberger to death. :p

Q: Why did the snowman name his dog "Frost"?

A: Because "Frost" bites!

Working at a yo-yo factory has its ups and downs.

Bad Pun Joke #22:

Two nerds are in a book store looking for books from Gertrude Stein. One says he thinks she had a cousin named Phyllis who hated the arts and culture.

"The other nerd says, "Ah, Phyllis Stein?"

One second later, he is killed when a bookcase falls on him. :eek:

Why is it so hard for a leopard to hide?

Because he’s always spotted.

Bad Pun Joke #23:

A man who only uses plural verbs with singular subjects informs the police that a bank robber wanted by the law has escaped to Nepal.

"Well," the desk sergeant says, "we'd better put out the signal to Batman!"

"No," says the informant, "call Catman. Catman are the greatest superhero, 'cause Catman have great feline powers. Catman know about the robber, Catman catch bank robbers all the time, and if Catman need to go to Nepal, then Catman will go there."

"But who really knows how to catch a bank robber in Nepal?" the desk sergeant asks.

The informant replies, "Catman do!"

Just then, a mountain lion runs into the police station and mauls the informant to death.

:batman:

(Outer-space humor)

What’s a light-year?

The same as a regular year, but with less calories.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. – A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

• A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans into her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”.

“No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.

The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.

“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”

• A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans into her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”.

“No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.

The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.

“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”

I don't get it.

Bad Pun Joke #24:

A cold-cuts-sandwich maker tells a friend of his that he's opening a delicatessen in India. His friend says, "That's a strange place to put a new deli!" At that point, an Asian elephant lands on his friend's head.

• A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans into her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”.

“No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.

The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.

“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”
HUH??? I don't get it:confused: :confused: :confused:

What does one mole see following another mole into their hole?

Molasses

What kind of TV do you find inside a haunted house?

A wide scream TV.

Bad Pun Joke #25:

Lady Godiva screamed when she saw a mallard poke his head into her bedroom window while she was naked. Her footman ran in after she put her robe on, and he asked what was wrong.

"A mallard was looking at me in the window!" she screamed.

"Oh," the footman said, "a peeking duck?"

She then hit the footman on the head with her hair brush and knocked him out cold.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: 'My friend is dead! What can I do?'

"The operator says: 'Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.' There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: 'OK, now what?'.

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road".


Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.


Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Nacho cheese!

Bad Pun Joke #26:

A woman has bought a raincoat for her parrot. "Now, she says to her boyfriend, "I can keep my parrot nice and dry when it rains."

"Oh," says her boyfriend, "Polly unsaturated?"

Just then, a rabid falcon descends and mauls the woman's boyfriend to death. :p

What's musical and handy in a supermarket?

A Chopin Liszt

When is it bad luck to see a black cat?

When you’re a mouse!

Why did the teacher write the lesson on the windows?

He wanted the lesson to be very clear!

Bad Pun Joke #27:

A man reminiscences about the Volkswagens he's owned. "I had a Rabbit that I used for commuting," he said, and when I retired and spent more time at the country club, I bought a Golf."

"So," Jimmy Toyota said, "you gave up your Rabbit Transit for a Golf Cart?"

The man ran over Jimmy Toyota with his monster Touraeg. :p

Why did the chewing gum cross the road?

Because it was stuck to a chicken's foot !!!!

Yeah, yeah I know, that was really bad!!! :p :lol:


http://rs219.pbsrc.com/albums/cc153/Vegaswench/Fark/rimshot.jpg~c200

A horse walks into a bar, the bartender asks "Why the long face?"

What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede?

A walkie talkie!

:lol:

226699
226700

Where did the sheep go on vacation?
The baaaahamas.

Where did the sheep go on vacation?
The baaaahamas.

So cute!! :) :D

Bad Pun Joke #28 -

Ed and Fred are walking by the Hans Christian Andersen statue near the model boat pond in New York's Central Park. "My cousin in Denmark," Ed says, "has to deal with his shrewish wife. He grins and bears it while she gets on his case for every last thing."

"That doesn't sound like much of a life," Fred says, "coping with a woman who acts like a hag with you."

"That's all it is," says Ed, "copin', haggin, copin', haggin'."

Just then, the Hans Christian Andersen statue falls over and crushes Ed to death.

What goes tick-tock, bow-wow, tick-tock, bow-wow?

A watch dog!

There was an explosion at a cheese factory in France.


De-brie everywhere.

Did you hear the joke about the German sausage?


It was the wurst.

There was an explosion at a cheese factory in France.


De-brie everywhere.

Did you hear the joke about the German sausage?


It was the wurst.

I don't know if you're telling jokes or are just hungry.



Q: Waiter, will my pizza be long?
A: No sir, it will be round!

^both

Did you hear the joke about peanut butter?


I’m not telling you. You might spread it!

Why does a Swede handle his investments in his house? To keep his Stockholm.

Why do blondes tip-toe past the medicine cabinets?

So they don’t wake up the sleeping pills.

What kind of shoes do frogs wear?

Open Toad

Q: How do you get a tissue to dance?

A: You put a little boogie in it

.

Q: Why did they quit giving tests at the zoo?

A: Because it was full of cheetahs

Saw this one online:

Prince Harry's friend set him up with Meghan Markle, Selena Gomez' friend gave her a kidney... my friends better step it up.

What happened when the redneck blew out his truck speakers?

He "Borrowed" a couple from the Drive-In Movie Theater.

Q: What happens when you play Beethoven backwards?
A: He decomposes.

Q: What happens when you play Beethoven backwards?
A: He decomposes.

No, you get "Because" by the Beatles. The melody is Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata" played backwards.

Q: Where do orcas hear music?
A: Orca-stras!

Q: Where do orcas hear music?
A: Orca-stras!

:lol:

:lol:

:wave:

Q: Who is a Christmas tree's favorite singer?
A: Spruce Springsteen

:lol:

Q. What do Santa’s elves learn in school?
A. The Elfabet

Where do monkeys go to drink?
The Monkey Bars!

Q: What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?
A: Take the words out of his mouth!

What's more amazing than a talking dog?

A Spelling Bee.

Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert?

Because she was stuffed.

.

What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops? Guardians of the Galaxy

A blonde joke - "Now I know why I’m so fat. My shampoo bottle says “Adds fullness and volume!"

Q: Why don’t oysters share their pearls?

Because they’re shellfish!

"He had delusions of adequacy."
- Walter Kerr


"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill


"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
- Clarence Darrow


"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)


"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book. I'll waste no time reading it."
- Moses Hadas


"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
- Mark Twain


"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
- Oscar Wilde


"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop


"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
- Forrest Tucker


"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
- Oscar Wilde


"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
- Billy Wilder


"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it."
- Groucho Marx

"He had delusions of adequacy."
- Walter Kerr


"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill


"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
- Clarence Darrow


"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)


"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book. I'll waste no time reading it."
- Moses Hadas


"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
- Mark Twain


"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
- Oscar Wilde


"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop


"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
- Forrest Tucker


"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
- Oscar Wilde


"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
- Billy Wilder


"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it."
- Groucho Marx

Love them :lol::lol::wave:

What's the Difference Between a Fighter Pilot and a Fighter Jet?

The Jet stops whining when the engines are shut off.

What does the sun drink out of? – Sunglasses.

:crazy:

Knock Knock!
Who's There?
Gorilla!
Gorilla who?
Gorilla my dreams!

:crazy:

Good one! :lol:

Did you hear about the dog who couldn't stop talking like a horse?

It was a real dog and pony show.

Where do math teachers go on vacation? To Times Square.

Tell a funny joke!!

~

Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a Genie, who grants them each, one wish. The first guy, wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy, wishes the same. The third guy says: "I'm lonely! I wish my friends were back here!"

Why do demons and ghouls hang out together? Because demons are a ghouls best friend!

BARBER: How would you like your hair cut?
CUSTOMER: Off. :lol:

Q: When would you hit a birthday cake with a hammer?
A: When it’s a pound cake.

Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?
To make up for his miserable summer.

Q: Why is Peter Pan always flying?
A: He neverlands

Q: What do you give to a pumpkin who is trying to quit smoking?
A: A pumpkin patch!

This is SO bad!:lol::lol::lol:

https://farm2.staticflickr.com/1850/30673241388_5564fe5f73_o.jpg

A Grandparent's Ipod

1.“I Can’t See Clearly Now” by Johnny Nash “
2.“You’re So Varicose Vein” by Carly Simon
3.“Talking’ Bout My Medication” by the Who “
4.“Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom” by the Commodores
5.“How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?” by the Bee Gees
6.“These Boots Give Me Arthritis” by Nancy Sinatra
7.“I Get By with a Little Help from Depends” by the Beatles
8.“Bald Thing” by the Troggs
9.“You Can’t Always Pee When You Want” by the Rolling Stones
10.“I Heard It through the Grape Nuts” by Marvin Gaye

Daffynition - cockfight: fowl play.

Daffynition - nasal spray salesman: one who sticks his business in people's noses. :lol:

Knock Knock!
Who's There?
Arthur
Arthur who?
Arthur more cookies in the jar?

A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves.
The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking.
The wife asks: "What are you waiting for?"
The husband replies: "Autumn."

How do trees go online?

They log-on of course.

.

Q: Why didn’t the skeleton want to go to school?
A: His heart wasn’t in it.

Q: Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
A: He didn’t have any guts!

Q: Why did the skeleton cross the road?
A: To get to the body shop.

Q: Why didn’t the skeleton go to the ball?
A: Because he had no BODY to go with.

There are 5 cats on a boat and 1 jumps off. How many are left?

0 - they were copy cats!

A ham sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”

Why was the dog such a good story-teller?

He knew how to paws for dramatic effect.

Why couldn’t the ghost see its mom and dad?
Because they were trans-parents!

What did the blonde say after glimpsing a box of Cheerios?

“OMG! Donut seeds!”

Two guns walk into a bar. They get loaded.

A banana goes one round with a champion boxer. He gets creamed.

A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing-eye dog. He stands in the center of the bar, takes the dog by the chain, and starts swinging him above his head.

Everyone stops and stares. Upset about the way the animal is being treated, a patron runs up to the blind man and demands, "What the hell are you doing?"

The blind man turns toward the patron and says, "Oh, nothing, just looking around."

Q. What do goblins and ghosts drink when they're hot and thirsty on Halloween?

A. Ghoul-aid!!!

What do you have when you remove the insides of a hot dog?

A hollow weenie!:lol:

Q: Whats the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?

A: The Christmas alphabet has Noel.

How do you eat an Elephant?
One bite at a time.

What do you have when you remove the insides of a hot dog?

A hollow weenie!:lol:

:lol:

Q. What's a monster's favorite bean?

A. A human bean.

What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?

Peach gobbler!

.

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

- Pilgrims

Q: How do you find an old man in the dark?
A: It's not hard.

(Sorry if this is too crude or rude!) ;)

I don't get it:confused::confused:

What's the best way to stuff a turkey? Serve him lots of pizza and ice cream!

What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
She's trying to hold on to a thought.

What do little trees say on Halloween?

Twig or treat!

Makes sense!:lol:

Q: What is it called when a cat wins a dog show?
A: A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!

What do you call ducks in a crate? A box of quackers.

What is Beethoven's favorite fruit? "Ba-na-na-naaaaa"

Pets

Eskimos

Q: What do you give a sick bird?
A: Tweetment!

why did the cowboy get a Dachshund?

Because someone told him to "get a long, little doggie.":lol::lol:

Q: What do you get from sitting on the ice too long?
A: Polaroids!

Q: What is the favorite Mexican food of snowmen?

A: Brrrr-itos.

Q: What is the month that people sleep the least in?

A: February

Heard this one in the barber shop this afternoon:

What does Bill Cosby and The Tooth Fairy have in common?

...they both come while you're sleeping.

Heard this one in the barber shop this afternoon:

What does Bill Cosby and The Tooth Fairy have in common?

...they both come while you're sleeping.

Haha I needed that laugh today! :)

Q: What did Frosty the Snowman and Elvira name their baby?

A: Frost-bite.

Haha I needed that laugh today! :)

No prob. :cool:

Some of the "jokes" here are a snooze. [throws tomatoes]

When is it bad luck to see a black cat?
When you’re a mouse!

How a dog and cat reacts to danger:
Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire, while cats will quietly sneak out the back door.

Q: Why did the poor dog chase his own tail?
A: He was trying to make both ends meet!

Q: What happened after an explosion at a French cheese factory?

A: All that was left was de brie

If banks are so good with money, why are there always eight windows and three tellers?

Why did the chocolate chip cookie visit the doctor?
He was feeling crumby!

Q: "What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?"
A: "Put it on my bill."

Q: What do Snowmen call their offspring? A: Chill-dren.

Q: Why is there no gold at the end of the rainbow?

A: The Leprachan took it and sold it to Cash4Gold!

Q: What does one penny say to the other penny? A: Let's get together and make some cents.

How did Reese eat her ice cream?

Witherspoon.

What do cats eat for breakfast? Mice Krispies

What do you call a carnival where the workers don't show up?

Ferris Bueller's Wheel Day Off.

:crazy:

When do monkeys fall from the sky? During Ape-ril showers!

.


















A Hush Puppy

Why was the broom late?
It over-swept!

Q: What are polar bears called when they get caught in the rain?
A: Drizzly bears.

What did the policeman say to his stomach?
You're under a VEST!

.

Q: Why are pirates great singers?
A: They can hit the high C's!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Iran!
Iran who?
Iran over here to tell you this!

What does a tree do when he is ready to go home?
He leaves!

Q: What did Little Caesars say to Wendys?
A: You'll always have a pizza my heart.

What kind of animal goes OOM? A cow walking backwards!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Doris!
Doris who?
Doris locked that's why I am knocking!

What animal has more lives than the cat?
A frog, he croaks every night!

Where are bare feet not allowed to dance?
At the sock hop.

What do you call James Bond in the bath?
Bubble 07!

Two pickles fell out of a jar onto the floor. What did one say to the other?

Dill with it.

Q: How do astronauts eat their ice cream?
A: In floats!

What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.

Why did the gingerbread man go to the doctors?… He was feeling crummy

Counterfeiters and pretzel makers have a lot in common. They make their living making crooked dough.

What is a snowman's favorite game?

Ice Spy with my little eye...

Daffynitions:

Handkerchief: the leader of the Handker tribe.
Innuendo: Where you put the curtains.
Zebra: What you wear under ze dress.

What did the tree say after a long winter? What a re-leaf.

Joan Rivers: I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

Q: What eight letters can you find in water from the Arctic Ocean? A: H to O! (H20)

Where does a chess player trade in his pieces?
At the pawn shop.

When do monkeys fall from the sky? During APE-ril showers

A woman called her husband during the day and asked him to pick up some organic vegetables for that night's dinner on his way home.

The husband arrived at the store and began to search all over for organic vegetables before finally asking the produce guy where they were.

The produce guy didn't know what he was talking about, so the husband said: "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with poisonous chemicals?"

To which the produce guy replied, "No, sir, you will have to do that yourself."

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?"
"Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."

What kind of math do birds like?

Owlgebra.

Where do math teachers go on vacation?

To Times Square.

Why shouldn't you iron a four leaf clover?

You don't want to press your luck !

What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.

Q: Why can’t Irish golfers ever end a game?
A: They refuse to leave the green.

What do you call a baby monkey?

A Chimp off the old block.

Q: What do you call a large dog that meditates?
A: Aware wolf.

What did the tree say to spring?
What a re-leaf.

Did you hear about the angry pancake?
He just flipped.

Why do bananas use sunscreen? – Because they peel.

Q: Did you see the Will Smith movie about McDonalds?
A: It's called the "Pursuit of Happy Meals"

What is a tree's least favorite month? Sep-timber!

Q: How do trees get on the internet?
A: They log in.

Q: What is a astronaut's favorite place on the notebook?
A: The space bar!

.

What's red and flies and wobbles at the same time ?
A jelly copter!

What's grey but turns red?
An embarrassed elephant!

What room can a student never enter?
A Mushroom!

Taz: