This is a lengthy, rant-type of a post... Sorry.... but I feel the need to write this out.

I just don't feel very comfortable anywhere. I just don't feel happy. I've already put myself TOO much damn pressure on high expectations of "perfecting" a reminsicing memory that I have, litearlly, fallen apart that it didn't go MY way. That's part of what has been going on with me.

I am on a ten-day break from work, so I would like to feel like I can use this entire week to rest. I just don't feel that way. It's an entire week of NO work or NO classes. I am bored out of my freakin' mind, so I can't wait to get to work to be distracted. However, during quiet times at work, I even feel sad there.

There are some errands I need to take care of, but I am not in the mood because I am not feeling happy. I want to go hang out at some coffeehouses, but I am not in the mood. I don't feel happy. But I do plan on just going in about 40 minutes, even if I know I will be fidgeting. I want to meet people to hang out, but NO ONE approaches me. Come on... I am not THAT hideous, am I??? It annoys me because I try and approach others but no one reciprocates for me. :crying:

I try to get involved in activities, but either it takes money to join (and I'm having some slight personal financial problems), or I have NO ONE to go with. I then feel like a pathetic loser for always going out alone. I don't wanna bother my co-worker friends by acting clingy towards them like I usually try to invite them to things. I am sure they're not thinking of me that, but it's just my own self putting these ideas in my head.

I would rather feel neutral where I don't place high expectations on things/people and would rather be laidback to the point of "quality is just as important as quantity or speed."

My mom just called asking if I want to eat some Menudo at her house (she's making it for lunch), but I declined. I am TOO depressed and not in the mood to go there. I don't want her to ask me "what's wrong?" because she or my sister wouldn't understand. It's too much to explain anyway. I am sure she took it as an insult because she KNOWS Menudo is my favorite type of Mexican soup, but I am just not in the mood. Too bad...I am STARVING.... :crying:

Okay...that's enough... http://server5.dedicateduk.com/~ace/thb/smilies/76.gif I'm already in tears for goodness sakes.... I don't know what to do. I just fidget at EVERYTHING these days - no matter WHAT I do/choose. :crying:

I strive for my own happiness, and I understand I am the only one who can rely on my own happiness. But, I am human, too.

[/end of my pity, pathetic, breakdown life]

Aww, I don't know what to say that would help but :bighug:

Sometimes it's just a matter of not being used to having nothing to do. When you have work and school, you are so used to running around like a chicken with you head cut off, that when you have nothing to do, it's shocking!!! Don't feel guilty about relaxing!!! When I feel down, I'll watch something really funny, that can help. Also, exercising helps. I know sometimes it's hard to get motivated, but it raises your happy :) endorphin hormones and puts you in a better frame of mind. It's getting nice out, so you could go for a bike ride or rollerblading, or even a walk, anything.

Mona, I am sorry you are feeling so depressed.:( I hate to see anyone feeling the way that you are feeling now. I think that you are probably just going through a bad phase right now (we all do from time to time) and within time you will feel better. Last year I was feeling really depressed, but this year I could not be more happier. So I certainly know what you are going through and how hard it is to deal with these feelings. I hope you feel better soon. :bighug: :hug:

I don't know what to tell you either that would make you feel any better. I get that way too sometimes, not so much since I had the baby but before I met Tom I felt like that a lot. Try and listen to your favorite Ace of Base cds or maybe look at pics from your trips abroad and that will bring up some good memories. Whatever you do, don't just sit around and mope. Make good use of your time off. If you have errands to run force yourself to go out and take care of them. You'll be glad you did. Anyway here's hugs for ya :bighug: :bighug:

Thank you all, REALLY, very, very much. It means soooooooo much to me. I just felt the need to rant and rave about this all. I have just been....so....I dunno... I just feel like I am at wit's end. I know there will be a light at the end of my tunnel, but it is just waiting through these feelings/time frame before I get to it that really, really sucks. I understand there is really nothing anyone can do, but I just felt like writing this all down here instead of keeping it all bottled up inside of me. I need to scream, yell, punch....something....before I went mad...

I just wish.... things can go back to a certain time frame. I miss it, and I hate this sort of change. It shouldn't EVEN be such a huge deal for me, and I should move on knowing everything will be all right at the end. But... I can't..... It's hard.... But thank you all... *gets teary-eyed*

:bighug:

Mijada, awww... your post really made me smile because you remember I love Ace of Base and have been to Europe.

Again....another :bighug: to all of you for your kindest words!

Hey Mona,

I know I'm a little late, but I thought I could offer some words for ya. I know exactly how you feel about feeling pathetic about going out alone, yet craving those good times that come with socializing. I go through periods of pure depression where I fear leaving my house, and other times I feel like I am on top of the world and can interact with all sorts of people. It's definitely hard, though, when there are limited people around, especially when they don't make an effort to be friendly and there for you.

I think the best thing to do in this case is just to ride it out. You may just be going through a slump or maybe a bout of depression due to the situation with friends. Maybe you'll decide what's best and things may pick up. Try and get involved with things that make you happy and feel better.

Good luck, sweetie :bighug:

Hey Mona,

I know I'm a little late, but I thought I could offer some words for ya. I know exactly how you feel about feeling pathetic about going out alone, yet craving those good times that come with socializing. I go through periods of pure depression where I fear leaving my house, and other times I feel like I am on top of the world and can interact with all sorts of people. It's definitely hard, though, when there are limited people around, especially when they don't make an effort to be friendly and there for you.

I think the best thing to do in this case is just to ride it out. You may just be going through a slump or maybe a bout of depression due to the situation with friends. Maybe you'll decide what's best and things may pick up. Try and get involved with things that make you happy and feel better.

Good luck, sweetie :bighug:
Aw, thank you very much. :bighug:

I could go on and on with this subject. Yeah, I usually go out to the movies alone, I frequent coffeehouses alone, I eat out alone (unless I am with co-worker friends eating out during lunch time), etc, and I am just getting tired of it at times. I think it's because my brain has the intention of "meeting" and "socializing," so part of that ends up as my goal. I like taking a book and reading or writing in my writing journals at the coffeehouses because it's relaxing. Then, I like to sit especially near the single-looking guys to try and spark up conversation. They are usually TOO busy, or they are with friends. There were a couple of times I have talked to them, but we just don't KEEP talking. That frustrates me too... Grrrr. *pulls hair out*

I have been there before, many times, but I never give up hope, even if it's just a glimmer. You seem like a very decent, caring and kind person. Stay strong, even when life seems to be throwing its worst at you.

I've been there also and I'm sure you'll get over this.

The only advice I can give is that no matter what happens don't ever distance yourself away from your family. They are the ones who could help you out the most in times like these. Going over to your mom's place for lunch would have made you feel 10x better.

And make sure to remind yourself, that you aren't in this world to please anyone. You just got to do what you got to do, and you aren't here to model yourself after others or to please them. You are an individual.

Doing some volunteer work or even going to church might help you out a bit. It reminds you that there are some more important things in this world. :)

Thank you so much, Jen, Yooch and SBTB_Geek. :bighug:

I really want to look for some kind of a club to get into. It's just difficult because they mostly possess a fee, and I work fulltime, so it would be difficult to put in hours. I will keep my chin up. Thank you all, again. It has helped me to rant and read your helpful comments/suggestions and just being there for me. Thank you, really. :)