(To Herman): "In that great furnace known as romance, your pilot light's gone
out."

"The first time the doctor looked at my tonsils, he said, 'My boy, you will carry
those tonsils with you to your grave.' And he was right. I've done it many times."

Grandpa: "Ya know, Herman, I wonder if I should've stopped off at the freight
yard and bought a livestock permit before we boarded the train."
Herman: "Why do want to do that?"
Grandpa: "Because I never traveled with a jackass before."

Herman: "I'm against promoting romance. It will lead to no good."
Grandpa: "We don't want it to lead to any good. We want it to lead to marriage!"

Grandpa (to Herman): "You're a hard luck guy. If you found a pot o' gold
at the end of the rainbow, there'd be a tax collector sitting on the lid."

Lily: "Grandpa ... would you like to take me to the movies?"
Grandpa: "What's playing?"
Lily: "'To Kill a Werewolf' and 'Vampires of Blood Alley.'"
Grandpa: "I go to the movies for escapism. I don't want to see everyday
people doing everyday things."

Grandpa: "You know the old saying ... No sense in putting the hearse before
the horse."