THE GOLDEN YEARS
Granny: "Why don' y' just shoot me like an ol' horse an' sell my' body fer glue?"
Jed Clampett: "Now, Granny, that's ridiculous."
Jethro Bodine: "Yeah, you wouldn't make enough glue fer a--"
Jed: "Don't help me, boy!"
The Beverly Hillbillies

HEALTH
Larry Appleton: "What you've got is a classic case of insomnia."
Balki Bartokomous: "Oh, no... I knew it was something terrible! Okay, give it to me straight. How
long have I got?"
Larry: "Fifty or sixty years."
Balki: "Fifty or sixty years? Oh, my God, a slow death!"
Perfect Strangers

HEROES
"Boys don't have many heroes left that they can look up to these days. If I let Eddie down, all he has
left is Smokey the Bear."
Herman Munster,
The Munsters

HOME
Jed Clampett: "Pearl, what d'ya think? Think I oughta move?"
Cousin Pearl: "Jed, how can ya even ask? Look around ya. You're eight miles from yore nearest
neighbor. Yore overrun with skunks, possums, coyotes, bobcats. You use kerosene lamps fer light
and you cook on a wood stove summer and winter. Yore drinkin' homemade moonshine and washin'
with homemade lye soap. And yore bathroom is fifty feet from the house and you ask 'should I move?'"
Jed: "I reckon yore right. A man'd be a dang fool to leave all this!"
The Beverly Hillbillies

THE LONE WOLF
Vincent: "I've seen your world. There's no place for me in it. I know what I am. Your world is filled with
frightened people, and I remind them of what they're most afraid of."
Catherine: "Their own ignorance?"
Vincent: "Their aloneness."
Beauty and the Beast

LOVE
"Please remember, and don't ever forget: It is better not to have been in love than to never have loved at
all."
Dwayne Schneider,
One Day at a Time

MAGIC
"For my grand finale magic act, I will proceed to make my wife disappear--a trick which any husband
should appreciate."
Herman Munster,
The Munsters

MARRIAGE: TO WED OR NOT TO WED?
Maxwell Smart: "You know, Ninety-nine, if we could get out of this trap I'd marry you."
Agent 99: "You would?"
Max: "Of course I would."
99: "Now that you mention it, Max, there is a way out."
Max: "There is?"
99: "What about the old double-door deception trick! It just might work!"
Max: "Of course! The old double-door deception trick! It just might work!"
99: "If it does we'll get out of here alive and then we can be married. [Max freezes] Max! Don't you
want to get out of here alive?"
Max: "I'm thinking."
Get Smart

Claire Huxtable: "If I died, would you marry again?"
Cliff Huxtable: "We'll talk about it when it happens."
The Cosby Show

MARRIAGE: WEDDED BLISS
Imogene Coca: "I just can't understand it. I expected their marriage to go on forever. They had so
much in common, you know."
Sid Caesar: "That's right. The same interests. They like the same things."
Coca: "He liked baseball."
Caesar: "And so did she."
Coca: "He liked to collect stamps."
Caesar: "And so did she."
Coca: "He liked to go out with the boys at night and drink and play poker and smoke cigars."
Caesar: "And so did she."
Your Show of Shows

MONEY
"Money seems to have a rubberlike quality because you can bounce a check or stretch a dollar."
Mork,
Mork and Mindy

MONEY MANAGEMENT
Kingfish: "What do you mean, you can't cash this check? I got an account here, now gimme one
good reason!"
Bank Teller: "We can't cash it because of insufficient funds."
Kingfish: "What do you mean, insufficient funds? They got a sign out there on your front door in
gold letters sayin' that you got 38 million dollars surplus."
Teller: "Mr. Stevens, your balance is $2.96."
Amos 'n' Andy

Dick Loudon: "Half the fun of having money is spending it on things you don't need."
George Utley: "What's the other half?"
Newhart

MUSIC
"Got time to breathe, you got time for music."
Briscoe Darling,
The Andy Griffith Show

NAMES
Wilbur Post: "Ed? What kind of a name is 'Ed' for a horse?"
Mister Ed: "What kind of a name is 'Wilbur' for a man?"
Mister Ed

"Well, now that you're here, we may as well get to know each other. My name is Peabody. I suppose
you know yours."
Mr. Peabody,
The Bullwinkle Show

NARCISSISM: THE I'S HAVE IT
Agent 99 [expressing her love]: "Oh Max, you're so brave, so dedicated, so wonderful."
Maxwell Smart: "I understand, Ninety-nine. I feel the same way."
99: "Oh, Max, then say it, say it."
Maxwell: "I'm brave and dedicated and wonderful."
Get Smart

NATURE
"It's not for mortals like us to tamper with nature."
Batman,
Batman

THE NATURE OF MAN
Mr. Spock: "A feeling is not much to go on."
Captain Kirk: "Sometimes a feeling, Mr. Spock, is all we humans have to go on."
Star Trek

"We seem to have a compulsion these days to bury time capsules in order to give those people living
in the next century or so some idea of what we are like. I have prepared one of my own. In it, I have
placed some rather large samples of dynamite, gunpowder, and nitroglycerin. My time capsule is set
to go off in the year 3000. It will show them what we are really like."
Alfred Hitchcock
Alfred Hitchcock Presents

Primetime Proverbs: The Book of TV Quotes (1989)

:lol:

Friends/ Chandler: "Ooooh she should not be wearing those pants." Joey: "I say push her down the stairs."
Joey (to Ross): "Welcome back...! Grab a spoooon!" Ross: "I honestly don't know if I'm hungry or horny." Chandler: "You stay out of my freezer..."

Phoebe: "And all of a sudden his hands weren't the problem anymore." Monica: "Was it..." Phoebe: "Oh. Boy Scouts could've camped under there."

STILL WATERS

M*A*S*H/Hawkeye (to Kyong Ja): "The only spirits we have around here are the ones we drink."
+ + * *
GENERALLY SPEAKING
Seinfeld/Frank: "A Festivus! for the rest of us." George: "Yada, yada, yada." Elaine: "Get. Out!!"
M*A*S*H/Charles: "To our fathers." Hawkeye: "And their sons."

Hawkeye: "It just proves the old adage: He lives by the mouth gets punched in it." B.J.: "How old is that adage?" Hawkeye: "at least three or four seconds."

FAMILY
The Golden Girls/Dorothy: "You'll always be my sisters....always..."
The Mary Tyler Moore Show/Mary: "I thought about something last night: what is a family. And I think I know. A family is people who make you feel people less alone and really loved. Thank you for being my family."

SPOOKY
M*A*S*H/Charles: "...hobgoblins are the hobgoblins of little minds."
Radar (offscreen): "I just got a cold shiver down my back." Hawkeye: "Me too."
Hawkeye: "Frank was once the innocent victim of possession. Through some tragic error they exorcised the nice guy and left that." Father Mulcahey (to Frank): "It means there's more than one way to skin a spirit."
Col. Potter: "Hell's bells." Hawkeye: "Hold me I'm scared."
* * * * 8
PAYBACK
Taxi/Louie: "Everybody gets somebody else's."
[I]Friends[/I/Monica: "Would you look at this dump? He hated us. This is his final revenge!"
* * * *