Here are a few of my favorite quotes from the book PRIMETIME PROVERBS: THE
BOOK OF TV QUOTES, by Jack Mingo & John Javna:

AGING
Fred Sanford: "I still want to sow some wild oats!"
Lamont Sanford: "At your age, you don't have no wild oats--you got shredded wheat!"
Sanford and Son

AMERICA
George Jefferson: "It's the American dream come true. Ten years ago, I was this little guy with one store.
And now look at me--"
Louise Jefferson: "Now you're the little guy with seven stores."
The Jeffersons

BABIES
Blanche: "I'm reading this Spock book on baby care, and he says it's very important for a young child to
have a male role model around during its formative years. Now what are we gonna do? ..."
Rose: "Oh, Blanche, we don't have anything to worry about. If we give that baby love and attention and
understanding, it'll turn out fine."
Dorothy: "That's beautiful."
Rose: "Besides, what does Spock know about raising babies? On Vulcan, all the kids are born in pods."
The Golden Girls

BIGOTRY
"You keep harping about minorities. Well, mister, you're a psycho, and they're minorities, too."
Sgt. Joe Friday,
Dragnet

COPS: TOUGH TALK
Witness [refusing to testify, because he doesn't want to "get involved"]: "Mr. Friday, if you was me, would
you want to testify?"
Sgt. Joe Friday: "Can I wait awhile?"
Witness: "Huh?"
Friday: "Before I'm you."
Dragnet

Killer: "You made a mistake, and I'm not going to pay for it."
Sgt. Joe Friday: "You going to use a credit card?"
Dragnet

CRIME
"It's a proven fact that capital punishment is a known detergent for crime."
Archie Bunker,
All in the Family

CULTURE
"Culture is like spinach. Once you forget it's good for you, you can relax and enjoy it."
Uncle Martin,
My Favorite Martian

DATING
"Carmine and I have an understanding. I'm allowed to date other men, and he's allowed to date ugly women."
Shirley Feeney,
Laverne and Shirley

DIETS
"Look at how chubby I am ... Look at my ears, how fat they are. My eyeballs don't fit in their sockets anymore.
And look at this jacket--used to be a topcoat... Yep, today's the day I'm gonna do it. ... Today's the day I'm
going on a diet.... I gotta have will power.... I gotta be strong. ... and I gotta have a lot of strength... So make me
a big breakfast, 'cause I gotta have a lot of strength to go with this diet!"
Sid Caesar,
Your Show of Shows

DOGS
Imogene Coca: "Dogs are really faithful. We had a neighbor of ours who treated his dog miserably...never fed
him on time. Well, one day he just up and left. That dog didn't leave that front porch. He was faithful. Well, about
two years later, the master returned. The dog just stood there, watching his master come down the path and onto
the porch."
Sid Caesar: "And then what happened?"
Coca: "Ripped him to pieces."
Your Show of Shows

EMBARRASSMENT
Groucho Marx: "You don't mind if I ask you a few personal questions, do you?"
Model: "If they're not too embarrassing."
Groucho: "Don't give it a second thought. I've asked thousands of questions on this show and I've yet to be
embarrassed."
You Bet Your Life

ETHNIC REMARKS
"Jesus was a Jew, yes, but only on his mother's side."
Archie Bunker,
All in the Family

THE FACTS OF LIFE
"My pa always says that understandin' is like a gold coin--there are two sides."
Israel Boone,
Daniel Boone

FAITH
"Son, when a man knows something deep down in his heart...when he really knows...he doesn't have to argue
about it, doesn't have to prove it. Just knowin,' that's enough."
Ben Cartwright,
Bonanza

FAT
Ralph Kramden [into a new scheme]: "This is probably the biggest thing I ever got into."
Alice Kramden: "The biggest thing you ever got into was your pants."
The Honeymooners

Peter Marshall (the emcee): "Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has
actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
Charley Weaver: "His feet."

FATHERS
"I am your father. I brought you into this world and I can take you out."
Cliff Huxtable,
The Cosby Show

Chandler in Friends:

Joey: Come on, Monica's dating him! There's gotta be sómething wrong about him!
Chandler: Now, be nice Joey.. (to Monica) Does he have a hump? A hump and a hairpiece?

Monica : It's not a date; it's just two people going out to dinner and not having sex.
Chandler : Sounds like a date to me.

Chandler : Sometimes I wish I were a lesbian... Did I say that out loud?

Ross: I just want to be married again
(Rachel walks in, wearing a wedding dress)
Chandler: And I just want a million dollars!

(Monica's apartment, The buzzer goes off)
Chandler: Please don't do that again, it's a horrible sound.

Chandler: 'You're such a nice guy' means: 'I'm gonna be dating leather-wearing alcoholics and complain about them... to yóu!'

Chandler : You know, I don't know why you're so embarrassed. They were very nice boobies.
Rachel : 'Nice?' They were 'nice'? I mean, that's it? I mean, mittens are 'nice'.
Chandler : Okay. Rock . . hard place . . me..

Ross : Since you saw her boobies, I think you're going to have to show her your pee-pee.
Chandler : You know, I don't see that happening.
Rachel : Come on. He's right. Tit for tat.
Chandler : Well, I'm not showing you my tat.

Joey : How do I look?
Chandler ( taking an intent look ): Oh, uh....I don't care.

Chandler : I'll show you to my room... That sounds so weird when it isn't followed by 'no thanks, it's late.'

Monica : So great! He showed me where the restaurant's going to be. It's this cute little place on 10th Street. Not too big, not too small. Just right.
Chandler : Was it formerly owned by a blonde woman and some bears?

Chandler : Hey Rach, we've gotta settle.
Rachel : Settle what?
Chandler : The ..ah.. Jamestown colony in Virginia. You see King George is giving us the land and ...

Phoebe ( after losing at poker ): I want you to know that this money is cursed. Uh huh, I cursed it. So now, bad things will happen to he who spends it.
Chandler : I'll take it. Bad things happen to me anyway. This way, I can break them up with a movie.

Ross : I figured after work, I'd pick up a bottle of wine, go over there, and try to...woo her.
Chandler : Hey, you know what you should do? Take her back to the 1890s when that phrase was last used.

Phoebe : Call her! Stop being so testosteroney!
Chandler : Which, by the way, is the real San Francisco treat.
( He calls her then hurriedly hangs up )
Chandler ( on phone ): I got her machine.
Joey : Her answering machine?
Chandler : No, interesting enough, her leaf blower picked up.

Chandler : Y'don't think that makes me seem a little...
Ross : ...desperate, needy, pathetic?
Chandler : Ah, you obviously saw my personal ad.

Ross [ imitating Chandler]: The hills are alive with the sound...OF music!
Joey : My scone!
Ross, Joey, and Phoebe : MY scone!
Chandler : Okay, I don't sound like that. That is so NOT true...that is SO not... that is so NOT...that is so...oh, shut up!

Joey : How young is Young Ethan?
Monica : He's our age.
Chandler : When we were....?

Joey : I'm gonna be in the waitin' room, handing out cigars.
Chandler : Yes, Joey's made arrangements to have his baby in a movie from the 50's.

More Chandler in Friends:

Ross : There was always this little voice inside that said, 'It's never gonna happen. Move on.' And you know whose voice that was?
Chandler : God?
Ross : It was you, pal.
Chandler : Well maybe it was just God doing me.

Chandler : ( about his similarity to Mr Heckles ) Our trains are on the same track, ok? Yeah, sure, I'm coming up 30 years behind him, but the stops are all the same. Bitter Town. Aloneville. Hermit Junction.

Chandler : If I'm gonna be an old, lonely man, I'm going to need a thing, you know -- a hook. Like that guy on the subway who eats his own face. So I figure I'll be Crazy Man with a Snake, you know? Crazy Snake Man. Then I'll get more snakes, call them my babies; kids won't walk by my place , they will run! 'Run away from Crazy Snake Man!' they'll shout!

Chandler : Why yes Ross, pressing my third nipple opens the delivery entrance to the magical land of Narnia.

Joey : The Ice Capades?
Chandler : No, no, the Gravel Capades. The turns are a little slower, but when Snoopy falls, FUNNY!!

Ross : Oh my God, you are pure evil.
Chandler : Okay, pure evil... horny and alone. I've done this.

Chandler ( in reference to Monica ): Hey Joey, be a pal. Lift my arm and smack her with it.

Monica : Come on. Five more push-ups.
Chandler : I can't do it.
Monica : Five more and I'll flash you.
Chandler : One...two...two and a half. Alright, show me one.

Joey : Well, I guess I could sleep with her... I mean, how could I do that?
Chandler :Well, I... I've got a pop-up book that told me everything I need to know.

Chandler : ( telling Joey ) You know maybe this isn't such a big deal you know. Umm... the way I see it is, you get a great job and you get to have sex. You know, I mean, throw in a tree and a fat guy and you've got Christmas!

Monica : Alright, people, we're in trouble here. We've only got 12 hours and 36 minutes left. Move, move, move!
Chandler : Monica, I feel like you should have German subtitles.

Joey ( at Carol and Susan's wedding ): It just seems so futile, ya know. All these women and...nothing. I feel like Superman without my powers, ya know. I have the cape and yet cannot fly.
Chandler : Well, now you understand how I feel every single day, OK. The world is my lesbian wedding.

Chandler : ( on how to deal with Joey's stalker ) Yes, hitting her with a frying pan is a good idea. We might want to have a back-up plan, though, just in case she isn't a cartoon!

Susie : OK, who was the guy that got caught masturbating?
Chandler : He wasn't masturbating. He was looking for his bus money.

Chandler : What? ( looks around and realizes the woman walked away because of the bracelet Joey gave him )
Oh this is excellent. You know, he could've gotten me a VCR, he could've gotten me a set of golf clubs, but no. He has to get me the woman repeller. The eyesore from the Liberace House of Crap!!
Phoebe : It's not that bad.
Chandler : Oh, yeah, easy for you to say, you don't have to walk around sporting some reject from the Mr. T collection.

Monica : Oh, ummm, that was my bathing suit from high school. I was, uh, a little bigger then.
Chandler : Oh, I thought that's what they used to cover Connecticut when it rained.

Joey : (watching Monica's prom video) Hey! Some girl ate Monica.
Monica : Oh, shut up! The camera adds ten pounds.
Chandler : Ahhh...so how many cameras are actually on you?

Rachel : (still watching Monica's prom video) Oh my God!
Joey : What is with your nose?
Rachel : They had to reduce it because of, of my deviated septum.
Chandler : OK. I was wrong. That's what they used to cover Connecticut.

Chandler : Hey, big guy. Game time!
Richard : Be right there.
Monica : There's a game?
Chandler : Uh, yeah. I just got my pick-up sticks back from the shop. Bring your nerves of steel!

Chandler : Hey, big guy. Game time!
Richard : Be right there.
Monica : There's a game?
Chandler : Uh, yeah. I just got my pick-up sticks back from the shop. Bring your nerves of steel!

IDENTITY
M*A*S*H/Frank: "I'm not either. I'm nothing."

WHEN THINGS GO BAD

The Brady Bunch/Alice: "My 'hu' went one way and my 'la' went the other."
Mork & Mindy/Mork: "The rabbit died."

MARRIAGE
Married...with Children/Peggy (to Al): "Have you missed me honey?" Al: "With every shot so far..."
The Honeymooners/Ralph: "Baby.....you're the greatest."

WHAT TO WEAR
M*A*S*H/Hawkeye: "I never wear underwear." Sidney: "That's more than I need to know."
Klinger: "Madame has impeccable taste." (to Hawkeye): "Now that's tasteful without being gaudy."

CHRISTMAS
Three's Company/Chrissy (to Jack): "...Christmas is supposed to be a festive season and all you can think about is enjoying yourself."
Night Court/Mandy: "I'm the gift that keeps on givin'."
* * *
"AL"
M*A*S*H/Frank (to Hawkeye/Trapper): "He knows what I'm having." Bartender: "Another Shirley Temple." (Hawk and Trap exchange looks, then laugh.) Hawkeye: "With a Jane Withers chaser."
Just Shoot Me/Nina: "Could it be the gin?" Maia: "Could be the gin, could be the brandy you had before the gin..."
* * *
GIVING CREDIT
Just Shoot Me/Elliott (to dennis): "Thanks to you my life s***s." Dennis: "I can't take all the credit you had a pretty good head start."
* *
POPULARITY
Everbody Loves Raymond/Robert: "You're number one, Raymond, you're number one...!!"

About Hospitals-On NBC's "Matlock"season one episode titled "The Doctors"-(1987/NBC)Quote:Det.Tyler Hudson(in hospital bed,sick)to Matlock:"I hate hospitals! They are DESIGNED to make you sick!" And this one from a last season ABC new house /Universal City Studios episode from "Leave it to Beaver":When Eddie and Lumpy walk in the door,an older Beaver calls upstairs to Wally:"Hey,Wally!The GOON brothers (Lumpy and Eddie)are here."