So I'm working on my college essay right now... and need a bit of help with the conclusion. (I honestly suck at conclusions. :o).

I don't know.. something about the wording just don't seem right to me. :( I think I need some transitional pharses placed in there somewhere. It sounds choppy. :confused:

ANy help would be MUCH appreciated!!

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I love children, and have therefore become an active person in elementary education. I genuinely take pleasure in working with, and helping people of all kinds and ages, whenever I can. I feel that it is important to educate the whole world because with knowledge, comes success. I believe that all children deserve to have a better and happier future, and as a child therapist or an elementary school teacher, I can work to jumpstart this ambition. I stand by what President Roosevelt said; a difference can be made by helping the young to prepare for the future!

So I'm working on my college essay right now... and need a bit of help with the conclusion. (I honestly suck at conclusions. :o).

I don't know.. something about the wording just don't seem right to me. :( I think I need some transitional pharses placed in there somewhere. It sounds choppy. :confused:

ANy help would be MUCH appreciated!!

================================

I love children, and have therefore become an active person in elementary education. I genuinely take pleasure in working with, and helping people of all kinds and ages, whenever I can. I feel that it is important to educate the whole world because with knowledge, comes success. I believe that all children deserve to have a better and happier future, and as a child therapist or an elementary school teacher, I can work to jumpstart this ambition. I stand by what President Roosevelt said; a difference can be made by helping the young to prepare for the future!

I love children and have therefore become an active person in elementary education. I genuinely take pleasure in working with and helping people of all kinds and ages whenever I can. I feel that it is important to educate the whole world because with knowledge comes success. I believe that all children deserve to have a better and happier future and, as a child therapist or elementary school teacher, I can work to jumpstart this ambition. I stand by what President Roosevelt said; a difference can be made by helping the young to prepare for the future!



You got a little comma happy, heh. I think that's right. Also, maybe you'll want to use less "I's" at the beginning of each sentence.

unless you brought up roosevelt's quote earlier in the essay, it think it would be better if it said "I stand by what President Roosevelt once said" just to make it clear that you're not referring to anything you've already supposedly mentioned. if that makes sense..

I love children and have therefore become an active person in elementary education. I genuinely take pleasure in working with and helping people of all kinds and ages whenever I can. I feel that it is important to educate the whole world because with knowledge comes success. I believe that all children deserve to have a better and happier future and, as a child therapist or elementary school teacher, I can work to jumpstart this ambition. I stand by what President Roosevelt said; a difference can be made by helping the young to prepare for the future!



You got a little comma happy, heh. I think that's right. Also, maybe you'll want to use less "I's" at the beginning of each sentence.

Yeah, I agree about the "comma happy" thing, but other than that I don't see anything too majorly wrong here. The only thing I would suggest is just to put quotes around Roosevelt's words (if it's an exact quote, which I assume is). I was an English major, so I actually love all this grammar stuff, lol.

Kristen

unless you brought up roosevelt's quote earlier in the essay, it think it would be better if it said "I stand by what President Roosevelt once said" just to make it clear that you're not referring to anything you've already supposedly mentioned. if that makes sense..Yeah, I have mentioned Roosevelt's quote earlier in my essay, which is also why I chose to just rephrase it in my conclusion. The last sentence was not his exact quote.

Thanks for your input, guys!! "Comma-Happy" LOL!!!! I love that! ;) Okay, so I will revised this later tonight, or tomorrow morning...... update later. :)

Besides the commas, I think its good.

I think it's pretty much fine as it is. A conclusion is basically just a summing up of what you've already said in the essay, so it's important not to add anything new to it. I don't personally see anything wrong with yours. All you need to do is just summarise what you've already said.

Thanks for all your inputs, guys. Anyway, I had another opinion from someone else, and this is the final product:

Because of my love for working with children, I have become quite active in elementary education. I derive much pleasure in working with and helping people of all ages whenever I can. My belief is that it is important to educate all people of this world, because with knowledge comes success. All children deserve to have a better and happier future, and, as a child therapist or elementary school teacher, I can fulfill this ambition. President Roosevelt once said, and I agree: A difference can be made by helping the young to prepare for the future!

Thanks for all your inputs, guys. Anyway, I had another opinion from someone else, and this is the final product:

Because of my love for working with children, I have become quite active in elementary education. I derive much pleasure in working with and helping people of all ages whenever I can. My belief is that it is important to educate all people of this world, because with knowledge comes success. All children deserve to have a better and happier future, and, as a child therapist or elementary school teacher, I can fulfill this ambition. President Roosevelt once said, and I agree: A difference can be made by helping the young to prepare for the future!
I like it :)