Things to think about

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

What would men be without women?
Scarce, sir...mighty scarce. - Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.
Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. - Alex Levine

Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'. - Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.. but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. - Phyllis Diller

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good spit it out. - Unknown

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal