M*A*SH /Klinger: "The colonel swore me to secrecy. With real swear words."

"Cheers"

Woody to Norm: (after Norm walks in and everyone shouts "NORM!")

"Hi, Mr. Peterson. Jack Frost nippin' at your nose?"

Norm: "Yea, now let's have Joe Beer nipping at my liver."

"Taxi"
Louie to Alex after Alex says he doesn't gamble: "But you have to, Reager! It's a "guy thing"! It's something "guys" do"!

"Cheers"
Sam" "What d'ya say, Norm"?
Norm: "It's a dog-eat-dog world and I'm wearing milk bone underwear."

Taxi: Jim to Alex: (after everyone's talking about the movie "E.T.")

Jim: "Alex, did you see "E.T."?

Alex: "No, I didn't, Jim".

Jim: "Well, why the hell not??"




"MASH": Frank (to Hawkeye): "Alky. You'd tear up your underwear for a drink."

Hawkeye: "I would not. They're yours."

"MASH"-Hawkeye, Trapper, and 2 nurses are in Col. Blakes office, and he (Blake) is tuning in the Army-Navy game on the radio. Fr. Mulcahey rushes in holding a pennant that says "Notre Dame".

Mulcahey: "Let's win one for the gipper!"

Col. Blake: Father, Notre Dame isn't even playing."

Mulcahey: "Oh". "Then, what's everyone exited for"?




Radar's telling Klinger about a mail-order writing course that he (Radar) is taking.

Klinger: "Oh yea? Hey, those mail-order things are great! My brother met his wife through one of these."

Radar: "She was a teacher?"

Klinger: "No, a mail carrier."

Radar: "What a provocutive antecdote!"

Klinger (slamming some food down onto Radars tray): "You watch your mouth!!!"

"Taxi" Jim-(after Tony introduces him to twin girls) "So, the egg split in the womb, huh?"

Ross: I just want to be married again.
(Rachel runs into Central Perk wearing her wedding dress)
Chandler: And I just want a million dollars

Monica: This is not even a real date. It's not. It's just two people going out to dinner and not having sex.
Chandler: Sounds like a date to me.

Chandler: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian... (Looks around) Did I say that out loud?

Ross: A thumb?
Phoebe: I know. I know. I opened it up, and there is was, just floating in there, like this tiny little hitch-hiker.
Chandler: Maybe it's a contest, you know, like, "collect all five."

Chandler: 'You're such a nice guy' means 'I'm going to be dating leather-wearing alcoholics and complaining about them to you.'

Rachel: (To Chandler) When I first met you... I thought maybe, possibly, you might be... [gay] but then you spent Phoebe's entire birthday party talking to my breasts, so then I figured maybe not.

Chandler: If I turn into my parents, I'll either be an alcoholic blond chasing after 20-year-old boys or... I'll end up like my mom.

Rachel: (to Ross) So basically, you get your ya-yas by taking money from all of your friends.
Ross: (pause) Yeah.
Chandler: Yes, and I get my ya-yas from IKEA. You have to put them together yourself, but they cost a little less.

Rachel: Guys, guys, guess what, guess what?
Chandler: Hmm, I don't know...the fifth dentist caved and now they're all recommending Trident?

Ross: I figured after work, I'd pick up a bottle of wine, go over there, and try to...woo her.
Chandler: Hey, you know what you should do? Take her back to the 1980's when that phrase was last used.

Chandler: Joe... Joe... Joe... Stalin?
Joey: Stalin! Stalin. Do I know that name? It sounds familiar.
Chandler: Well, it does not ring a bell with me!
Joey: Joe Stalin. You know, that's pretty good!
Chandler: Hey, you know, you might wanna try "Joseph."
Joey: Joseph Stalin. I think you'd remember that!

Joey: Hey, did you know there already is a Joseph Stalin?!
Chandler: Really?
Joey: Yeah, apparently he was this evil dictator guy who slaughtered a whole bunch of people or something!
Chandler: Well, you think I would remember something like that...

Monica: Joey, what are you gonna do when you have a baby?
Joey: I'm gonna be in the waiting room, handing out cigars!
Chandler: Yes, Joey's made arrangements to have his baby in a movie from the '50s.

Monica: Is there something fundamentally unmarryable about me?
Chandler: (scrambling) Uh...
Monica: Well?
Chandler: (pulling an imaginary ripcord) Dear God, this parachute is a knapsack!

Melanie: (talking about Joey) There is a little child inside this man.
Chandler: Yes, the doctor said if they remove it, he'll die.

Melanie: (talking about Joey) There is a little child inside this man.
Chandler: Yes, the doctor said if they remove it, he'll die.
---------

I could go on quoting Chandler forever! He's just great! And this is justvthe first season and I'm forgetting he two best ones. I can't remember exactely how they go.

(I'll admit I copied these from tv.com, but I can remember all of them, so I know why I like them so much. Unfortunatly, as I said before, I cant exactely remember two quotes that are not on tv.com and it's hard to remember it, 'cause it's all in Englsih of course. But I'll chack out the episodes again and then come back with more quotes.)

Wings
Helen-Oooh, I've got goosebumps.
Brian-Don't sell yourself short, Helen, you fill out very nicely in that sweater.

Roy-(his advice as to what kind of food to bring to Joe's house to watch a basketball game)If it green, it's trouble, if it's fried, get double.

Frasier

Martin-(on the phone)No, no, the storm's really bad. You shouldn't be driving anyway. Just spend the night. Okay good night, Daphne.
Frasier-You told her to spend the night?
Martin-Yeah. What's the big deal?
Frasier-You know how Niles feels about her.
Martin-Oh, relax. It's just another one of Nile's little crushes. Don't you remember the thing he had for his dental hygienist, Jodi? He had his teeth cleaned so much his gums hemmorrhaged.
Frasier-I suppose you're right. Niles is all talk and no action. Besides he'd never try anything with Maris in the house.
Martin-Maris never got home. She's stuck in Arizona.
Frasier-I've got to get Daphne out of there.
Martin-Why?
Frasier-Why?! This is a recipe for disaster. You've got a vulnerable woman and an unstable man in a Gothic mansion on a rainy night. All that's missing is someone shouting "Heathcliff" across the moors.

Friends
Ross-What does Chandler say scares the bejesus out of him?
Monica--Michael Flatley's Lord of the Dance
Ross-That is correct.
Joey(to Chandler)-The irish jig guy?
Chandler-His legs flail about as if independent from his body!!

"The Odd Couple"-Felix (to Oscar at a fancy party): "I told you to wear a mourning coat!" Oscar: "I wear this coat every morning!"

"Where's a plastic baby when you need one?" - Reba Hart, Reba

FROM "THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES" PILOT EPISODE:

Jed's just told Pearl that he's sold his swamp to someone, and Pearl asks how much:

JED: "twenty-five."

PEARL: "Twenty-five dollars?"

JED: "No, he seemed t' set great store in th' fact that he's payin' me in some new kin' of dollars."

PEARL: "Jed, they ain't no new kin' of dollars."

JED: "Well, they's new t' me. I've heard o' gold dollars, silver dollars, paper dollars. Granny, what kin' o' dollars did that feller say he was givin' me?"

GRANNY: "Million dollars"


IN THE 3RD EPISODE, AFTER THEY'VE JUST MOVED INTO THEIR MANSION, MR. DRYSDALE SEES JETHRO LOOKING AT THE CUT-GLASS CHANDELEIR:


Mr. Drysdale: "Well Jethro, what do you think of that?"

Jethro: "I didn't bust it, honest!"

Jed: "Boys tellin' th' truth, Mr. Drysdale. It was that way when we moved in."