"Dick Loves Lucy"
Season 1
Special Guest Star: Lucille Ball.

[At the Stratford]

Joanna: Dick, how comes it seems so quiet these days.
Dick: Probably because the hookers finally left last night.
Joanna: At least with them we had business.
Dick: At least without him we can have sleep!

[Walking through the door]

Larry: Hi, I'm Larry, this is my brother Darryl, and this is my other brother Darryl.
Dick: Hi again..there...stop bothering me!
Joanna: Yes boys, what would you like?
Larry: Well, us 3 heard that Miss. Lucy Ball was staying here, but I guess that we were damned wrong. We say bye-bye.

[Door closes]

Joanna: I wonder where they got the idea that Lucille Ball was staying here. Wow, how crazy.

[Phone rings]

Joanna: This is the Stratford, how may I help you? Let me check if we have your reservation. Wait a second, did you say that your name was Lucille Ball? Oh my goodness! You've got a room Mrs. Ball. Thankyoi! Oh Dick!
Dick: What!!!!!
Joanna: Mrs. Lucille Ball just called, and she's staying with us tonight!! Too nbad that Leslie and Kirk are out hiking for the weekend.
Dick: I don't belive, I'll belive it when I see it. Really?
Joanna: Yes Dick.
Dick: Dick loves Lucy, Dick wants to meet Lucy, Yes!!!! Da-da-da-dum-de-de-de!!!! I'm meeting Lucy, nah nah nah poo poo! I'm sorry, that's nice Joanna.
Joanna: I've never seen you that happy since you won the lottery.
Dick: I never won the lottery.
Joanna: I know Dick, but when taht day comes, I will show you how you acted when I said the words Lucille Ball.
Dick: Yippee!!!!

[Eating dinner]

George: So I hear that Grandpa Munster is coming today?
Joanna: No, Lucille Ball is.
George: Oh. Is she that pretty blonde girl?
Dick: Have you every thought about shcok therapy George?
Joanna: Dick!
Dick: I was just saying.

[On the couch, waiting for Lucy to walk through the door]

Joanna: Dick, we should go to bed, let's face it, it's midnight, she's not coming, let's go.
Dick: Ok Joanna, I have to take a bath anyway. Will you turn on the water for me?
Joanna: Dick, you're acting like a child.

[Leslie and Kirk walk through the door]

Leslie: Wasn't that great Kirk?
Kirk: Yes, it sure was Leslie. Maybe next time, I'll go into the woods with you!
Leslie: Eat a tree Kirk.

[Lucille walks through the door]

Leslie: Oh my god!
Kirk: Holy macaroni and cheese!
Lucille: Is something wrong?
Leslie: No, but what would you be doing here?
Lucille: I'm staying here.
Kirk: In this dump?
Leslie: Kirk!
Lucille: Maybe I better go. Maybe next time. Maybe when you fix this dump, that looks like a mansion to me. Ok. Bye.
Leslie: You ran her out of the house!
Kirk: I didn't! You with the jeans on, she only likes wool or leather.
Leslie: Well, you wear no leather million dollar trousers.
Kirk: Leslie. That is the best thing you could say to me. Give me a hug.
Leslie: When pigs fly Kirk. When pigs fly.

THE END.


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Andrew Carden