callmetootie
06-08-2001, 09:53 PM
Season 1
"Ted and The Turtle"
[In the newsroom]
Ted: Hello fellow workers.
Murray: Hi Ted. Listen Ted, next time you bring a baby shark to the newsroom, don't bring a goldfish instead. Alright?
Mary: I know that it's none of my business, but you've been acting strange Ted.
Murray: Yeah Ted, you're beginning to look strange because you're acting more normal.
Lou: Mary, will you and Mr. Idiot over there come into my office for a quick second?
Ted: Ok Mr. Idiot, go ahead Murray.
Murray: Ted, whenever the word idiot comes up in a conversation, you just seem to pop into my mind.
Ted: I think I would have done better as a weatherman. Gordy would you....
Gordy: You ain't finding no jobs here!
[Mary and Ted walk into Lou's office]
Lou: Ted, Mary. This morning I woke up and went out the door to find this on my doorstep.
[Holds out a turtle]
Lou: Now, what are we going to do with it? Ted do you have an idea. Or Mary. One of you has to take it, or me and Edie are going to have fried turtle soup for dinner.
Ted: Do not touch that harmless, cute, adorable little thing.
Mary: I would never want to touch that slimey, sticky little monster!
Ted: I think I'll take it.
[Put it in his jacket]
Lou: When everyone sees that you have a turtle growing on your chest, you will be noticed. Maybe for once you'll get some attention on the air.
Mary: Ted.
Ted: Yes Mary.
Mary: You don't plan on keeping it do you?
Ted: If the turtle fits, keep it.
[At Mary's apartment with Phyllis and Bess]
Bess: Mary, how come everytime we eat here, you always have salad?
Mary: Because it tastes good with food.
Bess: You don't always have to have it.
Mary: Then what should I make with it?
Bess: I think a cherry creme pie, with an engraving saying Bess Is The Best, but of course, Phyllis wouldn't let you do that. Right Phyllis?
Phyllis: On your birthday honey.
Bess: I have to go now.
Phyllis: I better go catch up with her. And Mary, you should be prepared because I baked the same Cheery Creme Cake 4 years ago.
Mary: That's nice.
Phyllis: It cost $92.98 without tax. Good luck Mary!
[Phyllis walks out, and 10 minutes later, Ted knocks at the door]
Mary: Hi Ted, what are you doing here?
Ted: I've got a date with Shi-Shi, you have to take the turtle.
Mary: But Ted...
Ted: Mary, I knew I could count on you. It eats gourmet caviar and lettuce, so you should be able to whip it up for him. I just put mustard and relish together, and it doesn't notice.
[Ted walks out]
Mary: Great, I've always wanted to have my own turtle. Well, I guess it's just you, me, mustard and relish, and lettuce, and howdy doodey, and the little rascels. Arrg!
[Next day at the office]
Murray: Mary, you look like a wreck.
Mary: I got 3 minutes of sleep last night, the turtle keep crawling into bed with me! But Ted will be disappointed.
Murray: Why?
Mary: I accidently fed him salad and he just died, I thought he would fall alseep.
[Bess walks into the newsroom]
Bess: Hi Mary, Phyllis wants me to tell you that you have the honor of babysitting me tonight. Hey, I heard that your turtle died.
Why?
Mary: I fed it salad.
Bess: I told you so! It does it everytime. Better stop making it, or you'll be seeing Bess Lindstrom: R.I.P.
The End.
------------------
Andrew Carden
"Ted and The Turtle"
[In the newsroom]
Ted: Hello fellow workers.
Murray: Hi Ted. Listen Ted, next time you bring a baby shark to the newsroom, don't bring a goldfish instead. Alright?
Mary: I know that it's none of my business, but you've been acting strange Ted.
Murray: Yeah Ted, you're beginning to look strange because you're acting more normal.
Lou: Mary, will you and Mr. Idiot over there come into my office for a quick second?
Ted: Ok Mr. Idiot, go ahead Murray.
Murray: Ted, whenever the word idiot comes up in a conversation, you just seem to pop into my mind.
Ted: I think I would have done better as a weatherman. Gordy would you....
Gordy: You ain't finding no jobs here!
[Mary and Ted walk into Lou's office]
Lou: Ted, Mary. This morning I woke up and went out the door to find this on my doorstep.
[Holds out a turtle]
Lou: Now, what are we going to do with it? Ted do you have an idea. Or Mary. One of you has to take it, or me and Edie are going to have fried turtle soup for dinner.
Ted: Do not touch that harmless, cute, adorable little thing.
Mary: I would never want to touch that slimey, sticky little monster!
Ted: I think I'll take it.
[Put it in his jacket]
Lou: When everyone sees that you have a turtle growing on your chest, you will be noticed. Maybe for once you'll get some attention on the air.
Mary: Ted.
Ted: Yes Mary.
Mary: You don't plan on keeping it do you?
Ted: If the turtle fits, keep it.
[At Mary's apartment with Phyllis and Bess]
Bess: Mary, how come everytime we eat here, you always have salad?
Mary: Because it tastes good with food.
Bess: You don't always have to have it.
Mary: Then what should I make with it?
Bess: I think a cherry creme pie, with an engraving saying Bess Is The Best, but of course, Phyllis wouldn't let you do that. Right Phyllis?
Phyllis: On your birthday honey.
Bess: I have to go now.
Phyllis: I better go catch up with her. And Mary, you should be prepared because I baked the same Cheery Creme Cake 4 years ago.
Mary: That's nice.
Phyllis: It cost $92.98 without tax. Good luck Mary!
[Phyllis walks out, and 10 minutes later, Ted knocks at the door]
Mary: Hi Ted, what are you doing here?
Ted: I've got a date with Shi-Shi, you have to take the turtle.
Mary: But Ted...
Ted: Mary, I knew I could count on you. It eats gourmet caviar and lettuce, so you should be able to whip it up for him. I just put mustard and relish together, and it doesn't notice.
[Ted walks out]
Mary: Great, I've always wanted to have my own turtle. Well, I guess it's just you, me, mustard and relish, and lettuce, and howdy doodey, and the little rascels. Arrg!
[Next day at the office]
Murray: Mary, you look like a wreck.
Mary: I got 3 minutes of sleep last night, the turtle keep crawling into bed with me! But Ted will be disappointed.
Murray: Why?
Mary: I accidently fed him salad and he just died, I thought he would fall alseep.
[Bess walks into the newsroom]
Bess: Hi Mary, Phyllis wants me to tell you that you have the honor of babysitting me tonight. Hey, I heard that your turtle died.
Why?
Mary: I fed it salad.
Bess: I told you so! It does it everytime. Better stop making it, or you'll be seeing Bess Lindstrom: R.I.P.
The End.
------------------
Andrew Carden