What are they?

Mine are : ( in no particular order )
COWBELL!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anything Will Ferrell or Jimmy Fallon
The skit Robert DeNiro does where all the terrorisras have the dirty names
The DElicious Dish sketches with Alec Baldwin, especially Schweddy Balls
CelebrityJeopardy
The Luv-ahs
Debbie Downer
The Festrunks
Those sketches with Kirstie Alley and Kevin Nealon with the Italian waiters ( SENORA! BELLISIMA!) and they keep kissibng and groping all over her and stuff
Greenhilly
Canteen Boy , the one with Alec Baldwin
That sketch Tom Hanks does with Mr. Short term Memory
Wayne's world
The one where Amy Poehler plays the little kid RICK!!!! RICK!!!
Appalachian Emergency Room
Gays in Space
Whenever Adam Sandler does Operaman
Gap Girls
Matt Foley
The Dick Clark receptionist
Richmeisterrrrrrrrrrrrrr makin copiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeess
Weekend Update
Any debate sketch
That sketch with Will Forte where he plays the receptionist that keeps saying "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"

and lots more

Bass-O-Matic

Early Weekend Editions - with Point, Counterpoint

Samari Deli

The President's View of Marijuana

Mr. Bill

Jesus, I can't choose there's so many. I like many of the ones Jack said, though :) And Mr. Bill. Ohhhnooooo. I remember one on the old SNL, it was a comercial for dentures and the old guy is holding on to the ladder of a helicoptor with his teeth. That was pretty sweet. Rosesanne Roseannadanna. Spartans. Cowbell. Luvahs. Donatella Versace. Matt Foley. James Lipton. Harry Carry. Robert Goulet. Z105. that one with the peppers and carol. Nick Burns. The Zagats one with Chris Farley and Adam Sandler...whenever Chris smiles like that I effing crack up. Coneheads. Butabi Brothers. Wild and Crazy Guys. Rialto Grande...with Mackey and stuff. Candy Slice. Judy Miller. Lisa Loopner. Mary Katherine Gallagher. Helen Madden. Any Saturday TV funhouse. Appalachian Emergency Room. Barry Gibb Talk Show. The Chris Farley Show, aww he's so cute in that. Church Lady. The Delicious Dish. Deep Thoughts/My Big Thick Novel By Jack Handy. The How Do You Say? Ah Yes, Show. Hardball. Janet Reno's Dance Party. The Cheri Oteri and Chris Kattan one where they get all over each other. Nadeen (Simma downnnnna). Time Traveling Scott Joplin. Wake Up Wakefield. Canteen Boy. Babe Wawa. The one guy...ugh what's his name, that goes "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough...and gosh darnit, people like me"

Many more. Chh, you asked.

I'm not going to name them all at once, I just want to know if anyone remembers "The Global Warming Christmas Special with Carl Sagan"?

Tom Hanks as Dean Martin was absolutely hysterical.
"Oh, man, I loves the peanut brittle now.."

Mr. Bill. Ohhhnooooo. I remember one on the old SNL, it was a comercial for dentures and the old guy is holding on to the ladder of a helicoptor with his teeth. That was pretty sweet. Rosesanne Roseannadanna. Spartans. Cowbell. Luvahs. Donatella Versace. Matt Foley. James Lipton. Harry Carry. Robert Goulet. Z105. that one with the peppers and carol. Nick Burns. The Zagats one with Chris Farley and Adam Sandler...whenever Chris smiles like that I effing crack up. Coneheads. Butabi Brothers. Wild and Crazy Guys. Rialto Grande...with Mackey and stuff. Candy Slice. Judy Miller. Lisa Loopner. Mary Katherine Gallagher. Helen Madden. Any Saturday TV funhouse. Appalachian Emergency Room. Barry Gibb Talk Show. The Chris Farley Show, aww he's so cute in that. Church Lady. The Delicious Dish. Deep Thoughts/My Big Thick Novel By Jack Handy. The How Do You Say? Ah Yes, Show. Hardball. Janet Reno's Dance Party. The Cheri Oteri and Chris Kattan one where they get all over each other. Nadeen (Simma downnnnna). Time Traveling Scott Joplin. Wake Up Wakefield. Canteen Boy. Babe Wawa. The one guy...ugh what's his name, that goes "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough...and gosh darnit, people like me"

Announcer: After a series of staggering defeats, Blue Oyster Cult assembled in the recording studio in late 1976 for a session with famed producer Bruce Dickinson. And, luckily for us, the cameras were rolling.

Bruce Dickinson: Alright, guys, I think we're ready to lay this first track down. By the way, my name is Bruce Dickinson. Yes, the Bruce Dickinson. And I gotta tell you: fellas.. you have got what appears to be a dynamite sound!

Eric Bloom: Coming from you, Bruce, that means a lot.

Buck Dharma: Yeah. I mean, you're Bruce Dickinson!

Alan: It's incredible!

Bobby: I can't believe Bruce Dickinson digs our sound!

Bruce Dickinson: Easy, guys.. I put my pants on just like the rest of you - one leg at a time. Except, once my pants are on, I make gold records. [ the group laughs ] Alright, here we go. "Don't Fear the Reaper" - take one. [ exits into the control booth ]

[ the group begins the song. Bobby slaps the drums, Eric jams his guitar, and Gene bangs on a cowbell. ]

Eric: [ distracted by Gene banging the cowbell ] Okay! Wait! Wait! [ the group cuts off their instruments ] Bruce, could you come in here for a minute, please?

Bruce Dickinson: [ stepping out of the booth ] That was gonna be a great track. Guys, what's the deal?

Eric: Are you sure that was sounding okay?

Bruce Dickinson: I'll be honest.. fellas, it was sounding great. But.. I could've used a little more cowbell. So.. let's take it again.. and, Gene.

Gene Frenkle: Yeah?

Bruce Dickinson: Really explore the studio space this time. I mean, really.. explore the space. I like what I'm hearing.

[ the group starts the song again, as Gene bangs more wildly onto the cowbell while dancing crazily. In the booth, Walken is smiling to keep from laughing. Before the session is interrupted, Frenkle misses a beat on his cowbell.]

Eric: Okay, wait! Stop! I'm sorry. Bruce, could you come back in here, please?

Bruce Dickinson: [ stepping out of the booth ] Fellas.. now, we just wasted two good tracks! That last one was even better than the first!

Eric: Well, it's just that I find Gene's cowbell playing distracting! If I'm the only one, I'll shut up.

Buck Dharma: It was pretty rough..

Gene Frenkle: You know, I could pull back a little. If you'd like.

Bruce Dickinson: Not too much, though! Fellas, I'm telling you - you're gonna want that cowbell on the track!

Gene Frenkle: You know what? It's fine. Let's just do this thing.

[ the band starts the song once more, with Gene banging the cowbell right next to Eric's ear until Eric pushes him, causing Horatio Sanz to fall ]

Eric: [ stopping the song again, fighting Gene ] Come on, people!

Bruce Dickinson: [ running out of the booth again ] That.. that doesn't work for me. I gotta have more cowbell!

Alan: [ grabs Gene's shirt ] Don't blow this for us, Gene!

Bobby: [ cracks up ] Yeah, quit being so selfish, Gene!

Gene Frenkle: Can I just say one thing?

Bruce Dickinson: Say it, baby. Say it.

Gene Frenkle: I'm standing here, staring at Bruce Dickinson!

Bruce Dickinson: The **** of the walk, baby!

Gene Frenkle: And if Bruce Dickinson wants more cowbell, we should probably give him more cowbell!

Bruce Dickinson: Say it, baby!

Gene Frenkle: And, Bobby, you are right - I am being selfish. But the last time I checked, we don't have a whole lot of songs that feature the cowbell.

Bruce Dickinson: I gotta have more cowbell, baby!

Gene Frenkle: ..and I'll be doing myself a disservice -- [begins to slightly laugh. Jimmy Fallon turns away and bites down on his drumstick to keep from laughing] -- and every member in this band, if I don't perform the hell out of this.

Bruce Dickinson: Guess what? I got a fever! And the only prescription.. is more cowbell!

Gene Frenkle: Thanks, Bruce. But I think, maybe if I just leave.. and, maybe I'll come back later, and we can lay down the cowbell. [ starts to leave the studio ]

Bruce Dickinson: Aw, baby..

Eric: Gene, wait! Why don't you lay down that cowbell right now. With us. Together.

[ everyone agrees ]

Gene Frenkle: Do you mean that, Eric?

Buck Dharma: He speaks for all of us.

Gene Frenkle: Thank you.

Bruce Dickinson: Babies.. before we're done here.. y'all be wearing gold-plated diapers.

Alan: [ confused ] What does that mean?

Bruce Dickinson: Never question Bruce Dickinson! Roll it! [ exits back to booth ]

Eric: [ ready to lay the complete track down ] 1, 2, 3, 4.

[ the band starts up again, this time Frenkle is playing the cowbell in tune with the band. Close-up on Gene as he bangs the cowbell to freeze-frame with graphic: "In Memoriam: Gene Frenkle: 1950-2000" ]

I can't remember all of them but anything with Adam Sandler in it. I'll just name a few..

-The one with Kristie Alley, Kevin Nealon, and the dirty waiters or whatever who kept kissing Kristie.
-Canteen Boy!
-Alec Baldwin and his "Schweddy Balls"
-Wayne's World
-Coffee Talk with Linda Richmond
-I don't know if you guys remember this..but it was Mike Myers and Nicole Kidman. They played these little kids and Mike's character was chained to a jungle gym and he kept freaking out over chocolate. I remember me, my dad, and my brother were rolling on the floor laughing! :rofl:

-I don't know if you guys remember this..but it was Mike Myers and Nicole Kidman. They played these little kids and Mike's character was chained to a jungle gym and he kept freaking out over chocolate. I remember me, my dad, and my brother were rolling on the floor laughing! :rofl:


Phillip the Hyper-Hypo

Phillip.....Mike Myers
Grace.....Nicole Kidman




[ Scene opens with Philip harnessed to a kiddy gym. He tries several times to leap forward and break the harness but fails miserably. Grace sits quietly and plays with her Barbie dolls. Phillip finally sits down. ]

Phillip: Hi!

Grace: Hi!

Phillip: Hi!

Grace: Hi!

Phillip: What's your name?

Grace: Grace.

Phillip: My name is Philip. How come you don't wear a harness?

Grace: My mom doesn't believe in it. She thinks it's cruel.

Phillip: My mom thinks it's very necessary. I'm hypoglycemic and hyperactive. I'm a hyper hypo. That's why I wear a helmet. My mother's a little overprotective.

Grace: Well, why don't you try and get out of it.

Phillip: Okay. (Phillip tries to run and break the harness. Seeing that it's useless he stops) I can't right now. I've worn my way through six harnesses. One time, my mom's car ran out of gas so she gave me a Snickers bar and a can of Coke; I towed the car home, seven miles. When we got home I was tired.

Grace: We just moved here from Australia. It's nice here in America.

Phillip: Yes it is. How old are you?

Grace: Six.

Phillip: I'm six and a half.

Grace: I'm six and three quarters.

Phillip: I'm six and four fifths.

Grace: I'm six and infinity.

Phillip: I'm six and infinity plus one. Can I see that? (grabs doll) See that? This is where milk comes for the babies. This is where milk comes for the babies. Right there and there.

Grace: Give it back to me stupid.

Phillip: Shut up.

Grace: Stupid.

Phillip: Shut up.

Grace: I'm gonna talk like a robot. I'm a robot. I'm talking like a robot.

Phillip: I love you, you know.

Grace: I know. People always tell me that I'm pretty. Everyone always says, "She's pretty." I hate it.

Phillip: You're conceited.

Grace: You're a weirdo.

Phillip: I'm over you. You're dropped.

Grace: I don't talk to you anymore.

Phillip: I don't think about you when you're not here you know.

Grace: At least I don't have to wear a harness.

Phillip: That was hurtful and unnecessary.

Grace: I'm sorry. Phillip: That's okay.

Grace: I'm in a choir in Sydney. My mommy says I have a pretty voice.

Phillip: Wow. You're surrounded by a lot of positive support.

Grace: What?

Phillip: Nothing.

Grace: I'm gonna sing a song for you. (Tie me kangaroo down sport song) That was fun!

Phillip: Whatever, okay.

Grace: Don't you think I have a pretty voice?

Phillip: I gotta say you know, when you get older, people aren't going to support you so much.

Grace: Why not?

Phillip: My cousin was a cute kid and then he hit puberty and his face exploded. Now he looks around and he's wondering where all the people who said he was cute went to. Guess what I'm doing?

Grace: You're smooshing your face

Phillip: I'm doing an impression of my dog. He's a Sharpei.

Grace: I'm a Sharpei too.

Phillip: I love you again

Grace: I know.

Phillip: I'm hungry.

Grace: Oh, I have a Hershey bar.

Phillip: I'm not supposed to eat sugar.

Grace: [ eating the Hershey bar ] Mmm.. it's really good.

Phillip: You're the devil.

Grace: Want a bite?

Phillip: Well, I suppose it couldn't hurt.

[ Philip eats the chocolate and freaks out, breaking the jungle gym free and running off with it trailing behind him ]

HAHAHA!! :rofl: :brent: :lol: Oh man..thanks so much for posting that. I need to watch that skit again, it's so hilarious!

Jesus, I can't choose there's so many. I like many of the ones Jack said, though :) And Mr. Bill. Ohhhnooooo. I remember one on the old SNL, it was a comercial for dentures and the old guy is holding on to the ladder of a helicoptor with his teeth. That was pretty sweet. Rosesanne Roseannadanna. Spartans. Cowbell. Luvahs. Donatella Versace. Matt Foley. James Lipton. Harry Carry. Robert Goulet. Z105. that one with the peppers and carol. Nick Burns. The Zagats one with Chris Farley and Adam Sandler...whenever Chris smiles like that I effing crack up. Coneheads. Butabi Brothers. Wild and Crazy Guys. Rialto Grande...with Mackey and stuff. Candy Slice. Judy Miller. Lisa Loopner. Mary Katherine Gallagher. Helen Madden. Any Saturday TV funhouse. Appalachian Emergency Room. Barry Gibb Talk Show. The Chris Farley Show, aww he's so cute in that. Church Lady. The Delicious Dish. Deep Thoughts/My Big Thick Novel By Jack Handy. The How Do You Say? Ah Yes, Show. Hardball. Janet Reno's Dance Party. The Cheri Oteri and Chris Kattan one where they get all over each other. Nadeen (Simma downnnnna). Time Traveling Scott Joplin. Wake Up Wakefield. Canteen Boy. Babe Wawa. The one guy...ugh what's his name, that goes "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough...and gosh darnit, people like me"

Many more. Chh, you asked.
Oh yeah lot of those too, I forgot Church Lady! I love that one witjh Sean Penn :lol:


Anyone seen the one with Adam Sandler and Chris Farley where theyre babyitters, then Adam filsl uup the pool and all these guys come out :brent its HILARIOUS! Schmitt's Gay LOL

OH YES COFFEE TALK IS AWESOME! I lvoe that one, the one when Barbra actually comes on :lol:

Oh yeah lot of those too, I forgot Church Lady! I love that one witjh Sean Penn :lol:


Anyone seen the one with Adam Sandler and Chris Farley where theyre babyitters, then Adam filsl uup the pool and all these guys come out :brent its HILARIOUS! Schmitt's Gay LOL
YES! :rofl:

YES! :rofl:
AWESOME!:Brent One ofm y favs :lol:

Alec Baldwin on the radio with Molly Shannon and Ana Gasteyer talking about his recipe for "Schweaty Balls" is by far the funniest thing I have ever seen on SNL.

Boston Teens

Sully.....Jimmy Fallon
Denise.....Rachel Dratch
Assistant Manager.....Garth Brooks




Sully: Hey Tommy, is it rolling? Is the light flashing? Allright cool. Yo yo yo this is Pat Sullivan in Miss Nicholson's fourth period audio/visual class. For my project I'm filming a trip to Burlington mall with my girl Denise.

Denise: I swear to god Sully, if you don't get that Burger King breath out of my face, I'm gonna be wicked pissed off.

Sully: So what? If I was rich I'd eat a Whopper every day.

Denise: You're ********!

Sully: You are! [ kissing ]

Assistant Manager: Hey, kids, kids. I'm gonna have to ask you not to dry-hump by the food products.

Denise: Are you the manager?

Assistant Manager: You flatter me, I'm the assistant manager.

Denise: Oh, I want to know if you're hiring any holiday help?

Assistant Manager: We sure are. You kids filming this?

Denise: He is, it's a school project. He's not a verbal person, but he is a very visual person.

Sully: I got a learning disorder cos my mom was a big huffer back in the day.

Assistant Manager: Well yes, we are looking for part-timers. Your name?

Denise: Denise McDenna, but everybody calls me Zazoo!

Assistant Manager: Alright Zazoo, you have any experience?

Denise: I worked at Foot Locker for two hours once.

Assistant Manager: Do you have any food product experience?

Sully: She's got a lot of experience handling sausages.

Denise: Shut up! [ they make out some more ]

Assistant Manager: Okay, okay. We are looking for motivated young people to hand out samples to holiday shoppers.

Denise: Oh my god! I could totally do that!

Assistant Manager: Watch out, it's tricky cos you have these round sausages and you cut them into little squares.

Denise: Allright allright, I know this one. You like, divide it by four, and then you like square the...

Sully: She should be in charge of cutting the cheese!

Denise: You are so stupid!

Sully: You are! [ more making out ]

Assistant Manager: Whoa, this video's rated R. Come on, kids.

Denise: Is there any healthcare with this job? Cos there's like a 40/60 chance I might be pregnant.

Sully: Yeah, if we have a kid I'm naming in Nomar. Mark my words!

Assistant Manager: There's no health insurance. You get $4.80 an hour, and if you do a good job you get a free piece of nut log after Christmas.

Sully: Hey Tommy, did you get him saying "nut log"?

Denise: So when do I start?

Assistant Manager: Hold on. There's a couple more questions. Now were you ever convicted of a felony?

Denise: Uh, is public urination a felony?

Assistant Manager: No.

Denise: What about taking your top off at a hockey game?

Assistant Manager: Haha, alright. You know what, umm... I'll just call you in a few days.

Denise: Alright. Oh wait! You didn't take my number.

Assistant Manager: No Denise, you're right. I didn't take your number. I don't think you have the skills needed to hand out free bits of cheese.

Sully: Haha, denied! You got burnt.

Denise: Oh come on! I really need this job, cos I was gonna use this money to get Christmas nail tips - eight reindeer, and two baby Jesuses!

Assistant Manager: Sorry Zazoo, you're just not Hickory Farms material.

Denise: Hey, why the F not?

Assistant Manager: Well, I'll tell you why the F not.You come in here with no experience, drinking a family-size carton full of screwdrivers..

Denise: You said Vodka didn't smell!

Sully: I don't know!

Assistant Manager: I tell ya it's just disrespectful. [ faces the camera, as Sully goes behind him and makes faces at him ] Here's a tip for all you kids out there - We wanna hire ya, we really do. When you show up late with a ring through your eyebrow and a pot leaf drawn on the back of your uniform in magic marker, well you just make it darn near impossible. [ turns around and looks at Sully, who suddenly stops mocking him and looks the other way for a second ] And kids, just between us.. [ looks away, as Sully grabs a giant salami stick and waves it around like a sword ] ..I went through that tough-guy phase. I used to skip school, drink beer, set police cars on fire, but eventually - you gotta grow up. Stop enjoying your life and do your job, be serious. What am I saying? I'll tell you what I'm saying. I'm saying get rid of that camera cos you're blocking the kielbasas! [ puts his hand over the camera; Sully puts the salami down and walks in front of the camera ]

Sully: Alright, looks like Denise didn't get that job.

Denise: That's alright, I got Christmas presents for my entire family! [ she opens her jacket which has stuff hidden inside ]

Sully: You are wicked clever! Let's go do it in the parking lot! [ she jumps on his back ]

Denise: Alright, but you are NOT taping it this time!

Sully: Come on!

Denise: Oh, and you gotta make sure you cut out the part where I said I was knocked up!

[ fade to black ]

Boston Teens

St. Pauly Girl.....Britney Spears
Denise.....Racel Dratch
Pat Sullivan.....Jimmy Fallon
Frank.....Horatio Sanz




[ set at a Colonial Museum, and shown from the cameraman's point-of-view, following each teenager as they speak ]

St. Pauly Girl: [ hands tight on a butter churner ] This is the way the Colonial settlers made their butter, with fresh cream and a little bit of salt. It would take almost four hours just to get one quart of butter. Would anyone like to take a churn?

Denise: Yeah! Over here! Let him do it! He's got a lot fo practice!

Pat Sullivan: [ laughing ] Yeah! I'm familiar ith the motion!

Denise: Yeah! He churns it about four times a day!

St. Pauly Girl: Okay, come on up!

Denise: Oh, my Gawd! Oh my Gawd!

Pat Sullivan: [ running to the front of the crowd ] Hey, Tommy, get me churning next to the St. Pauly Girl!

St. Pauly Girl: What's your name, Patriot?

Pat Sullivan: My name's Pat Sullivan, and that's my girl, Denise, over there!

Denise: Yeah! But call me "Zazou!"

Pat Sullivan: Alright, I'm on my Senior class trip, out here at Lexington, Mass., homestate of Paul Revere, John Hancock, and.. [ turns around to show off the back of his Red Sox jersey ] ..Nomar! Nomar!

St. Pauly Girl: Okay, you want to churn? [ Pat takes the handle and churns happily ] Ooh, wow.. [ feels his arms ] You've got strong arms. He would have definitely survived the hardships of a Colonial lifestyle.
Denise:
Hey! Martha Washington! I can't understand a freakin' word ya sayin'! That accent makes ya sound retodded!

Pat Sullivan: You are!

Denise: You are!

St. Pauly Girl: Both y'all are.

Pat Sullivan: Hey, uh, where'd you get that dress, Ye Olde House o' Juggery?

St. Pauly Girl: Shut up, you're messing me up. [ Pat mimcks the St. Pauly Girl's breasts to the camera ] Okay, continue down to the next signpost, where Chris Paul's gonna show you how to make johnny cakes. [ everyone leaves, except for Pat and Denise ] Bye. Bye, everyone. [ sits down ] Ugh! It is hot as a crotch out here.

Pat Sullivan: [ hands her a drink box ] Here! Drink this!

Denise: Yeah! It's Wyler's grape juice, Cognac, and wahm Tussin!

Pat Sullivan: Yeah! I call it the "Zazou Panty Remover"!

Denise: Oh, shut up!

Pat Sullivan: You shut up! [ they make out ]

St. Pauly Girl: My friends and I, we used to make a drink like this.

Pat Sullivan: Weird.

St. Pauly Girl: We used to put peanuts at the bottom of it..

Denise: [ outraged ] Peanuts?! No, Sir!

Pat Sullivan: No, Sir!

Denise: That is rank!

St. Pauly Girl: [ grabbing Pat's arm ] Are you Irish? I like Irish guys.

Denise: Uh, yeah, he is! That's why he bought me this claddagh! [ shows her ring to the camera ]

St. Pauly Girl: Oh, my goodness, that is so pretty.. you have good taste.

Pat Sullivan: Did you get that, Tommy?

St. Pauly Girl: [ curious ] Why are y'all taping this?

Pat Sullivan: Uh.. this is for our American Studies final..

Denise: Yeah, we're supposed to write a report on the early settlers.

Pat Sullivan: Yeah, I do all my reports on video, because I suffer from several as-yet-unnamed learning disabilities.

Denise: He did not get proper nutrition during his toddler years!

Pat Sullivan: Swear to Gawd!

Denise: Yeah! His mother's breastmilk's like Bailey's Irish Cream!

Pat Sullivan: That's neither here nor there!

Denise: She's no stranger to the inside of a squad car - believe me!

St. Pauly Girl: That's so sad..

Denise: Hey! Is it hard to get a job here!

St. Pauly Girl: Hey, you don't want to work here. The money sucks, and the guy who plays Thomas Jefferson is a total perv. There's just no jobs around here.

Pat Sullivan: Yeah! The job market's really ridiculous right now.

Denise: Yeah! I got fired from Thom McCann for using a foot measurer inappropriately!

Pat Sullivan: Apparently, my weiner is a ladies size 5! [ Denise makes out with him ]

Frank: [ stumbling up ] Denise! Denise! We missed the bus!

Denise: [ smacking Frank's arm ] Frank, you were supposed to come get us!

Frank: I lost track of time. I went in the gift shop and bought this fafe! [ holds up a fife ]

Pat Sullivan: Tommy, we missed our bus!

Denise: Aw, crap!

Pat Sullivan: Aw!

Denise: No way!

Pat Sullivan: This is not happenin'!

Denise: Damn!

Pat Sullivan: This is not happenin'!

Denise: Seriously! [ notices Frank's fife ] That is a sweet fife!

Frank: Yeah, I got it for my mom for Mom's Day.

Pat Sullivan: [ to the St. Pauly Girl ] Alright, we are separated from our pahty. What would the early settlers have done?

St. Pauly Girl: Now, I mostly just know how to make butter.. but, um.. if you really get stuck, you could stay with me. Those two can sleep in the basement, but you can sleep on the floor in my room.

Denise: Ah.. not gonna happen, Betsy Rahss!

St. Pauly Girl: Uh.. maybe you wanna let him answer.

Pat Sullivan: Sorry, uh.. Milk Maiden.. you may be extremely hot.. but what my girl Zazou lacks in beauty, charm, polish, and general physical health, she makes up with her warm personality and her promisicuous sexual practices. And I love her.

Denise: You are so gay!

Pat Sullivan: You are. [ they make out ]

Frank: [ approaches the St. Pauly Girl ] What's up? I'm Frank.

St. Pauly Girl: You'd better get going, 'cause my next group's coming in, and I haven't cleaned the cream off my pole yet.

Denise: [ excited ] The "cream off your pole"?!

Pat Sullivan: Tommy, please tell me you got that!

[ Tommy shakes the video camera "yes", as Pat and Denise make out some more ]

Boston Teens

Sully.....Jimmy Fallon
Denise.....Rachel Dratch
Frank.....Horatio Sanz
Bernadette.....Kate Hudson
.....Nomar Garciaparra




[close up on "Red Sox" on Sully's shirt]

Sully: Hey Tommy, got enough light? Focus it...Alright, this is Pat Sullivan, this is my girl here, Denise. I'm here in my basment in Lexington, Mass.

Denise: GO MINUTEMAN! GO MINUTEMAN!

Sully: This tape is our official submission to the producers of Survivor.

Denise: Yeah, please disregard the previous tape we sent to you. That was supposed to be for our own private use.

[they make out]

[Frank enters with an Easy Bake Oven]

Frank: Hey Sully! I found a Easy Bake Oven in a box of your old toys. You mind if I bake a tiny cake with it?

Sully: Knock yourself out, Frank

Frank: Awesome! [walks to table in the back of the room]

Denise: Alright, here's why we are prime canidates to be on the next Survivor: I have the military knowledge of Rudy, a nicer rack than Colleen.

Sully: And I'm craftier than Richard Hatch.

Denise: You're queerer

Sully: You are!

[they make out...]

[Bernadette Enters]

Bernadette: Ugh! Call animal control! There are two dogs humping in my room!

Sully: This part of the basement is public domain. Your room is in there with the water heater. [points to door]

Bernadette: Yeah, shut up butt-lick!

Sully: You shut up, ass face. [pushes Bernadette, she pushes back, and they run around the room pusing each other]

Denise: That's Sully's sista Bernadette. She's back home livin in the basement cuz she failed out of cookin school.

Bernadette: I wanted to be a cake maker.

Sully: Yeah, and yet your dreams were crushed by your poor attendence and your inability to spell "Congratulations".

Bernadette: [pushes Sully] Moron!

Sully: You are!

[Sully and Denise make out]

Bernadette: Hey, hey! Seriously guys, knock it off. I got somebody comin ova.

[Bernadette runs to her room]

Sully: [turning back to camera] You know, if I could live with this half-a-whore for 17 years, surely I could survive the harsh rigors of the Australian wilderness. The only thing I'd miss would be this Louisville Slugga [picks up baseball bat and shows camera] personally signed by Nomar Garciopara. NOMAR!! YEAH!!

Denise: I should be picked to be on Surviver cuz I'm very good at group dynamics. I grew up with NINE brothers and sisters. Donnie, Dorreen, Dotty, Davy Junior, Debbie, Dougie, Dennis, Donna and Jamal.

Sully: Guess which one's got a different Dad!

Denise: You're Retahded!

Sully: Prove it! [goes in to kiss her]

Denise: [pushes him away] Alright, in conclusion CBS, pick me! I'm wicked psyched to go down under!

Sully: Not often enough, trust me.

[Denise pushes Sully]

[Bernadette enters wearing short shorts and a leapord-print tube top]

Bernadette: I swear to God Sully, if you don't get out of here I'll put my foot so far up your ass you'll be breathing like you smell like Reebocks!

Sully: Yeah, good comeback

[Frank gets up with his easy-bake oven]

Frank: I need a 15-watt lightbulb and some semi-sweet chocolate chips.

Sully: [annoyed] Upstairs.

Frank: AWESOME!! [goes upstairs]

Denise: Hey Bernedette, that tube top's wicked nice.

Bernadette: Oh thanks. It's a kinda tight...it's supposed to be a headband.

[Tommy zooms in on her boobs, Sully puts hand over camera]

Sully: HEY! Watch it Tommy! Yeah, you are really whored-out. Even for you.

Bernadette: Well yeah cuz this guy's comin ova. He's wicked hot. We're gonna watch Howard Stern and make out.

[someone knocks on the door]

Bernadette: Ooh! [runs upstairs to answer the door]

Sully: God! He's not even gonna take you out to Papa Gino's first? Pitiful! This guy must be a top-notch loser.

Denise: Yeah, seriously Bernadette, you gotta learn to respect yourself.

[Sully wiggles his fingers where Denises boobs are]

[Nomar Garciaparra enters]

Nomar: Hey Bernadette you look great!

Bernadette: Hi

Nomar: [waves to Sully and Denise] Hi, kids.

Sully & Denise: NNOOMMAAARR!!! [they make out]

[Sully and Denise jump off the couch]

Sully: NOMAR!! NOMAR!! AHH!!!! [freaks out]

Bernadette: What are you freaks doing?

Denise: Are you retahded? It's Nomar Garciaparra!!

Sully: I can't breathe!

Denise: Sully, don't look directly at him! [Sully turns away] He's got a heart murmur.

Sully: [turns back] Bernadette, for once, your slutty ways have brought honor to the Sullivan house.

Denise: Oh my Gawd, oh my Gawd! Will you autograph my boob? [pulls down shirt]

Nomar: OK. What's your name? [gets pen from jacket]

Denise: Just make it out to Zazoo

Nomar: Alright

Denise: No, wait! [reaches down on the table and grabs a sharpie] Use a Sharpie!

[while Normar signs her boob Denise mouths "Oh my Gawd! Oh my Gawd!"]

Sully: I will never pour beer on that boob again!

Nomar: Calm down, calm down! Listen, I'm not a superhero. I'm a person, just like you are. And you two can be as successful as I am, as long as you stay in school and follow your dreams.

Sully & Denise: [in awe] Seriously?

Nomar: Yeah, now get out of here, so I can make out with your sister.

Sully: Absolutely. It's an honor to have you anywhere near my gene pool.

Bernadette: [To Sully and Denise] Hey, beat it! [to Normar] So, uh, you wanna drink? Beer, peach schnaps, tequiza?

Denise: Bernadette! Bernadette! You should totally try to get pregnant. You'd get a wicked cute baby, and a fat check every month!

Bernadette: All ******* remove yourself!

Sully: But Nomar! I'll have nothing to remember you by.

Nomar: I'll give your sister a couple souvenier balls.

Sully: Tommy, PLEASE tell me you got that on tape?!?

[Tommy nods yes]

[Denise & Sully make out and Bernadette and Nomar make out]

[fade out]

Phillip the Hyper-Hypo

Phillip.....Mike Myers
Grace.....Nicole Kidman




[ Scene opens with Philip harnessed to a kiddy gym. He tries several times to leap forward and break the harness but fails miserably. Grace sits quietly and plays with her Barbie dolls. Phillip finally sits down. ]

Phillip: Hi!

Grace: Hi!

Phillip: Hi!

Grace: Hi!

Phillip: What's your name?

Grace: Grace.

Phillip: My name is Philip. How come you don't wear a harness?

Grace: My mom doesn't believe in it. She thinks it's cruel.

Phillip: My mom thinks it's very necessary. I'm hypoglycemic and hyperactive. I'm a hyper hypo. That's why I wear a helmet. My mother's a little overprotective.

Grace: Well, why don't you try and get out of it.

Phillip: Okay. (Phillip tries to run and break the harness. Seeing that it's useless he stops) I can't right now. I've worn my way through six harnesses. One time, my mom's car ran out of gas so she gave me a Snickers bar and a can of Coke; I towed the car home, seven miles. When we got home I was tired.

Grace: We just moved here from Australia. It's nice here in America.

Phillip: Yes it is. How old are you?

Grace: Six.

Phillip: I'm six and a half.

Grace: I'm six and three quarters.

Phillip: I'm six and four fifths.

Grace: I'm six and infinity.

Phillip: I'm six and infinity plus one. Can I see that? (grabs doll) See that? This is where milk comes for the babies. This is where milk comes for the babies. Right there and there.

Grace: Give it back to me stupid.

Phillip: Shut up.

Grace: Stupid.

Phillip: Shut up.

Grace: I'm gonna talk like a robot. I'm a robot. I'm talking like a robot.

Phillip: I love you, you know.

Grace: I know. People always tell me that I'm pretty. Everyone always says, "She's pretty." I hate it.

Phillip: You're conceited.

Grace: You're a weirdo.

Phillip: I'm over you. You're dropped.

Grace: I don't talk to you anymore.

Phillip: I don't think about you when you're not here you know.

Grace: At least I don't have to wear a harness.

Phillip: That was hurtful and unnecessary.

Grace: I'm sorry. Phillip: That's okay.

Grace: I'm in a choir in Sydney. My mommy says I have a pretty voice.

Phillip: Wow. You're surrounded by a lot of positive support.

Grace: What?

Phillip: Nothing.

Grace: I'm gonna sing a song for you. (Tie me kangaroo down sport song) That was fun!

Phillip: Whatever, okay.

Grace: Don't you think I have a pretty voice?

Phillip: I gotta say you know, when you get older, people aren't going to support you so much.

Grace: Why not?

Phillip: My cousin was a cute kid and then he hit puberty and his face exploded. Now he looks around and he's wondering where all the people who said he was cute went to. Guess what I'm doing?

Grace: You're smooshing your face

Phillip: I'm doing an impression of my dog. He's a Sharpei.

Grace: I'm a Sharpei too.

Phillip: I love you again

Grace: I know.

Phillip: I'm hungry.

Grace: Oh, I have a Hershey bar.

Phillip: I'm not supposed to eat sugar.

Grace: [ eating the Hershey bar ] Mmm.. it's really good.

Phillip: You're the devil.

Grace: Want a bite?

Phillip: Well, I suppose it couldn't hurt.

[ Philip eats the chocolate and freaks out, breaking the jungle gym free and running off with it trailing behind him ]
I saw that one not too long ago :rofl:

I love the Boston Teens. I do a pretty sweet impression of Denise :snob:

James Brown Celebrity Hot Tub Party (1982)