Over at the "Family Ties" board, there's a thread where people can post transcripts of episodes; I was wondering whether some of us could do the same here -transcribe episodes that we may have. I only have the episodes from the first and second seasons, but I'm guessing that some of you might have episodes from other seasons on tape?

I thought it would be a nice idea. I realise this isn't the most frequently-visited message board, but anyone who does look in, who feels like transcribing an episode or two, can feel free. Maybe different people could assign ourselves different episodes - for instance, I'd actually already transcribed "Paper Marriage" from Season 1 earlier, and I'm planning to transcribe "Alex Tastes Death and Finds a Nice Restaurant." If anyone else decides to join in, they can choose their own episodes.

Of course, if no one else wants to transcribe, I guess I'll have to do them on my own. But I'm hoping for a few volunteers. I realise that not everybody has a lot of time on their hands; you don't have to transcribe a great deal - just one episode would be a help.

Okay, I'm starting to transcribe "Paper Marriage." I may not get all of it up tonight. It's not all going to be one long post; I'll cut my posts into segments.


PAPER MARRIAGE

SEASON ONE

EPISODE EIGHT


ACT 1

SCENE A

FADE IN:

CABBIES ARE IN THE GARAGE OF THE SUNSHINE CAB COMPANY, MILLING ABOUT. LOUIE'S ASSISTANT JEFF IS IN LOUIE'S DISPATCHER'S CAGE. ALEX AND BOBBY ARE STANDING TOGETHER. TWO MEN, MR. RICHARDS AND HIS ASSISTANT, APPROACH THEM.

Mr. Richards: Excuse me. We're looking for a Louie De Palma.

Alex: Well, we got one, but ours is in the men's room. (CHUCKLES) Can I help you?

Assistant: Yeah, we're from the immigration department.

Alex: Oh?

Mr. Richards: We're trying to find a Latka Gravas.

Alex: (UNEASILY) A Latka Gravas? Do you mind if I see your identification?

MR. RICHARDS SHOWS HIM.

Alex: Thank you. I've never heard of him.

Mr. Richards: Gentleman, we're going to grab a cup of coffee. We'll be back in a few minutes to see Mr. De Palma.

Alex: Bye.

THEY LEAVE.

Alex: Latka!

ALEX AND BOBBY RUSH OVER TO THE CAB THAT LATKA IS UNDER. TONY IS STANDING BY IT AND PULLS LATKA OUT. JOHN JOINS THEM.

Alex: Get out from there! (HE HELPS TONY PULL LATKA OUT) Latka, what did those men from the immigration department want to see you for?

Latka: (PRODUCING LETTER) They send letter.

Alex: Let me see. (TAKES IT) Yeah, it's from the immigration department. Latka, how long ago did you get this?

Latka: Two weeks.

John: How come you didn't have any of us translate it for you?

Latka: Did it myself.

Alex: How far did you get?

Latka: Dear Allen.

Bobby: That's 'Alien.'

Alex: (READING) Latka's student visa ran out a month ago. Listen to this. (READING DIRECTLY) If you do not contact this office by - that's four days ago - a warrant will be issued for your arrest.

Tony: Uh-oh.

Alex: Latka, those men were here today to arrest you!

Latka: What means arrest?

Alex: Prison! Uh...behind bars...jail...(LATKA STILL DOESN'T GET IT) Police.

Latka: Oh no! (HE STARTS SPEAKING IN HIS NATIVE LANGUAGE)

ALEX AND BOBBY SIT HIM DOWN.

Alex: Latka, do you have your papers?

Latka: Papers?

Alex: Papers.

LATKA TAKES SOMETHING OUT OF HIS POCKET.

Latka: Zigzags?

Alex: No...!

Bobby: Face it, Latka, you're in real trouble here.

Tony: Hey, hey, what's the big deal? The worst that can happen is they send you back where you came from.

Bobby: You ever see any of the letters Latka gets from his homeland? They have postal stamps that are on a barbed wire.

LOUIE ENTERS FROM THE BATHROOM. WE SEE ELAINE STANDING BY HIS CAGE.

Louie: (TO ALEX, BOBBY, TONY AND JOHN) Okay, you bozos! I cleaned all your filthy graffiti off the walls of the can. And I want you to know what you wrote about me in there was disgusting. Some of it ain't even true.

Elaine: You should see what's written about you on the walls of the ladies' room.

Louie: I know what it says in there, I wrote it.

(HE GOES IN HIS CAGE)

Alex: Hey, Louie! Louie. A couple of guys, uh, a couple of guys were here looking for Latka. They said they're going to come back and talk to you.

Louie: What do they want Latka for?

Bobby: They want to arrest him as an illegal alien.

Louie: So why don't you just give him to 'em? Do I have to do everything around here?

Elaine: (INDIGNANTLY) Louie! We've got to help Latka! This is very serious!

Louie: Serious? What's serious?

Alex: Hey, Louie, you're not going to turn him in, are you?

Louie: Well I ain't lying to no Feds. I can't do it. I won't do it. You can get into too much trouble doing that. Those guys scare me.

Alex: Louie, this is Latka's life we're talking about here. If we don't help the guy, we may lose him!

Louie: So?

John: Oh, come on, Louie. I don't want to embarrass you, but...(HE PUTS HIS ARM AROUND LATKA)...if there's anybody you sort of love, it's Latka.

Bobby: Hey, John, it's not going to work. You're laying it on a little thick.

Louie: No he's not. Latka's the poodle I never had. Bring on those cops!

THE CABBIES CHEER LOUIE AND GET BACK TO BUSINESS AS LOUIE RETURNS TO HIS CAGE.

Alex: Hey, they're coming! (TO THE CABBIES) Be normal, be normal.

TONY PUSHES LATKA BACK UNDER THE CAR.

Alex: (CALLING) Officer! (COMING PAST THE CAGE BACK TO THE TABLE) They like to be called officers.

THE AGENTS COME IN AND APPROACH LOUIE.

Mr. Richards: Are you Louie De Palma?

Louie: Yes, I am.

Mr. Richards: We're investigators from the department of immigration and naturalisation.

HE SHOWS LOUIE IDENTIFICATION.

Louie: (POINTING) He's under that cab!

Alex: (HORRIFIED) Louie!

THE OTHER CABBIES ALSO REACT AS THE AGENTS MARCH OVER TO THE CAB.

Mr. Richards: Mr. Gravas. Come out, please.

HE DOESN'T MOVE, SO THEY TAKE HIM BY THE LEGS AND PULL OUT WHAT TURNS OUT TO BE A PAIR OF OVERALLS WITH SHOES PROPPED AT THE BOTTOM, MAKING IT LOOK LIKE SOMEBODY'S LEGS. AS THE CABBIES LOOK AT EACH OTHER IN ANNOYANCE, THE CABBIES LOOK PLEASED, AND WE:

FADE OUT

SCENE B

FADE IN:

ALEX IS DRIVING HIS CAB AROUND.

Female Voice: Taxi!

ALEX PULLS OVER. THE LADY GETS IN.

Lady: Fifth Avenue, and...(SHE LOOKS DOWN)...AAAGGGHHH!

Alex: I don't know that intersection.

THE HORRIFIED LADY GETS OUT OF THE CAB. PUZZLED, ALEX LOOKS AROUND AND LATKA SITS UP FROM BEHIND.

Latka: Hello.

Alex: Oh, hi, Latka! We've been looking all over town for you. Have you been back there the whole time?

LATKA SPEAKS IN HIS NATIVE LANGUAGE.

Alex: Latka, now listen to me good, 'cause I've been thinking about this. I think you're just making things worse by running.

LATKA SPEAKS IN NATIVE LANGUAGE.

Alex: Who told you that?

LATKA SPEAKS IN NATIVE LANGUAGE.

Alex: No, I think it's best that you turn yourself in.

LATKA SPEAKS IN NATIVE LANGUAGE.

Alex: Well, we'll try to find a good lawyer for you that can help.

LATKA SPEAKS IN NATIVE LANGUAGE.

Alex: I know, I wish there was some other way, but I can't think of anything.

Latka: Look. Latka need...(HE OPENS UP A DICTIONARY)...woman.

Alex: (CHUCKLING) Yeah, sure, that'll take your mind off your troubles for a while, but, uh...

Latka: No, no, Latka need woman...(LOOKS IN DICTIONARY)...to...marry. To marry.

Alex: Oh, I see! Yeah, if you marry an American woman, they won't deport you.

Latka: You take tongue right out of my mouth.

Alex: So, uh, all we have to do is find a woman, right? (LATKA NODS) You got any ideas?

Latka: Phyllis George.

Alex: (CHUCKLING BEMUSEDLY) Right, Phyllis George.

HE DRIVES OFF AND WE FADE OUT.

SCENE C

FADE IN:

THE NEXT DAY AT THE GARAGE. TONY, BOBBY AND JOHN ARE SITTING AT A TABLE PLAYING CARDS. LOUIE WALKS IN.

Louie: Good morning everybody.

NOBODY RESPONDS.

Louie: Hey, it's my pal Latka! (WALKS OVER TO HIM) I knew you'd get away, buddy! (LATKA IGNORES HIM) That's why I was buying you time when the Feds came in. (LATKA CONTINUES TO IGNORE HIM) We sure put one over on them, didn't we, pal?

LATKA STARES COLDLY AT HIM.

Louie: Hey, Latka, when's the last time I gave you money? Long time, huh? (PULLS OUT A NOTE) How about if I...if I give you a buck? (LATKA STARES AT HIM COLDLY) You wanna play hardball, huh? Well, how about...two bucks? (HE DANGLES IT IN FRONT OF LATKA AND TURNS AROUND. WHILE HE IS TALKING, LATKA TAKES A LIGHTER OUT OF HIS POCKET AND SETS THE MONEY ALIGHT) How'd you like that? Money talks. (HE REALISES THE MONEY IS ON FIRE AND QUICKLY SHAKES IT OUT) What, are you crazy!?

Bobby: Kind of wonderful, isn't it? It never occurred to him to just drop it.

ELAINE ENTERS.

Elaine: Hi guys.

THE GUYS GREET HER. LATKA SMOOTHES HIS HAIR.

Latka: Elaine? (ELAINE LOOKS OVER. LATKA MOTIONS TO HER TO COME TO HIM) Elaine? (ELAINE WALKS OVER) Elaine?

Elaine: Yeah?

LATKA LIFTS HER ONTO A CAB.

Latka: (GETTING DOWN ON HIS KNEES) Oh, Elaine...oh Elaine...

HE PROCEEDS TO GIVE A SPEECH IN HIS NATIVE LANGUAGE.

Elaine: (TOUCHED) Oh...that's the sweetest thing anybody's ever said to me...I think. (TO THE OTHER GUYS) Hey, uh, you want to tell me what's going on here?

TONY, BOBBY AND JOHN COME OVER.

Bobby: Well, Elaine...you were just proposed to.

ELAINE, THINKING HE'S JOKING, LAUGHS.

Bobby: No, really. Uh, they won't send Latka out of the country if he marries an American citizen.

Tony: Yeah, yeah - Elaine, what do you think?

Elaine: (ALARMED) Are you guys serious? (SHE GETS OFF THE CAB) Ew!

Tony: Hey, come on, we know how you feel, but, uh, look at it this way. It won't have to be, like, a real marriage. Just a paper marriage.

Latka: Right.

Tony: And you can get divorced soon after.

Latka: Right.

Tony: I mean, you don't have to sleep with him, or anything like that.

Latka: Who asked you?

Elaine: Latka - believe me, I am very, very flattered - but I'm sorry, I can't marry you.

Latka: Please?

Elaine: I'm sorry.

Latka: Please, please?

Elaine: N-O.

Latka: (HUGGING HER) Oh boy, we will be so happy!

Elaine: No, "N-O" spells no.

Latka: Oh, shubuck!

ALEX ENTERS.

Alex: Hey, everybody! I'd like you to meet a new friend of mine, Vivian Harrow. (VIVIAN ENTERS) Viivan has agreed to marry Latka!

TONY, BOBBY AND JOHN GO TO VIVIAN AND GREET HER. ALEX WALKS OVER TO ELAINE.

Elaine: Alex!

Alex: What?

Elaine: You can't just let Latka marry this...hooker!

Alex: She's not a hooker. She's a call girl. Look, I don't like it either, but it's, it might be our only hope. Look, it's temporary.

Bobby: When can we fit you in, Vivian?

Vivian: (LOOKING AT HER SCHEDULE) Well...I got part of Thursday afternoon off.

Bobby: Okay. Thursday it is. (TO ALEX) Thursday!

Alex: Okay, Thursday.

Vivian: Okay. But remember, you said fifteen minutes, I'm gone - I never have to see the guy again - and no strings attached.

Alex: Right, no strings. Come here. Latka! I want you to meet Vivian. (LATKA COMES OVER) She's agreed to be your bride.

Latka: How do you do? I love you.

FADE OUT

ACT 2

SCENE D

FADE IN:

GARAGE - IT IS THURSDAY. LOUIE APPROACHES LATKA.

Louie: Latka, talk to me! Latka...(LATKA IGNORES HIM) Latka, I'll make you talk to me! I'll keep saying your name until you talk to me! Latka! Latka! Latka! Latka, Latka, Latka, Latka, Latka, Latka...

ALEX GETS UP AND CROSSES TO LOUIE, CALLING HIS NAME AS LOUIE CONTINUES CALLING LATKA.

Louie: Latka, Latka, Latka, Latka, Latka.../Alex: Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie! (PULLS HIM ASIDE) Louie, pull yourself together!

Louie: I don't understand why he won't forgive me. All I did was turn him in!

BOBBY, TONY AND JOHN COME IN.

Bobby: Hey, Latka! The big day, huh?

Tony: John, you're a married man. Why don't you give Latka some tips?

John: Well, uh...Latka. I think the most important thing in any marriage is communication.

Latka: Oh. (SAYS SOMETHING IN HIS NATIVE LANGUAGE)

John: But it's not absolutely necessary.

TONY AND BOBBY START LAUGHING.

Tony: Hey, this is going to be a weird wedding. The line to kiss the bride could take a while.

Bobby: I hear the anti-vice squad'll give the bride away.

Elaine: (COMING OVER) Would you guys just cut it out? I mean, just kindly cut it out. I mean...we could try to treat this like a wedding, couldn't we? You know, instead of all these jokes, I think we should try to consider Latka's feelings. It's not a joke to him.

Latka: I love her.

Elaine: See. So I don't know about the rest of you, but believe me, I'm going to try to do the most I can to make sure this is the best wedding two kids have ever had.

VIVIAN COMES IN AND OVERHEARS THIS LAST PART.

Vivian: She's real interesting, this one. (THE GUYS LAUGH) Hi, Latka.

Latka: (TAKING HER HAND) Hello Vivian.

THEY KEEP PLACING THEIR HANDS ON TOP OF EACH OTHER, UNTIL ELAINE BREAKS THEM APART.

Elaine: Vivian! Um...how about dressing up for the wedding?

Vivian: What do you think I plan to?

Elaine: Oh, you're going to wear a white dress?

Vivian: A white altar.

Elaine: How about wearing my wedding gown?

Vivian: Oh, sure, honey. I've dressed up as everything from Pocahontas to Darth Vader. You want me in a bridal gown, you got it.

Elaine: Okay, great. Now all we need is a minister.

Bobby: Hey, there's a minister that hangs around Mario's; I'll go and see if he'll perform the ceremony for us.

Elaine: Oh, Bobby, thanks.

AS BOBBY HEADS OUT, HE WALKS INTO THE TWO AGENTS.

Bobby: Oh! Excuse me, Mr. Immigration Officer...(HE BOUNCES ABOUT IN FRONT OF THEM)...I - I'm trying to get out of your way...(TURNS TO THE CABBIES)...Immigration Officer!

Alex: Bobby, Bobby, that's all right, you don't have to do that.

Bobby: No?

Alex: Latka's gonna be all right now. (THE AGENTS COME OVER) Latka here is marrying an American citizen.

Mr. Richards: It's not okay if he's only doing it to stay in this country. It's got to be a real marriage.

Alex: Oh, of course! It's a real marriage!

Mr. Richards: I'm afraid we're going to have to check that out. Mr. Gravas - I'm going to have to question you. (SITTING DOWN) How long ago did you meet this woman you're going to marry?

Latka: (LOOKING THROUGH DICTIONARY) How...how...how...how...

Mr. Richards: Can anybody else answer for him? I'm up for retirement in two years.

Alex: Yeah, I can.

Louie: (COMING OVER) No! No, let me!

Alex: No, I will.

Louie: No, I want to do it!

Alex: Louie, I think it's best that I do it!

Louie: Mr. Richards...!

Mr. Richards: (GETTING UP) All right, Mr. De Palma, let's have it straight. If you're lying to me, you're committing a crime. Is this a legitimate marriage?

THERE IS A PAUSE AS LATKA AND THE CABBIES STARE NERVOUSLY AT LOUIE.

Louie: Course it's legitimate. It's love, I tell you. Latka's in love with this girl. (HE CROSSES OVER TO VIVIAN) And nothing can change his mind! Nobody can talk to the guy. I tried to talk him out of it. I said, "Latka - she's from the other side of the tracks! She's classy and you're just a grease monkey! It'll never work out!" But he doesn't care. Because it's love. Her family is totally against it. In fact, they even went so far as to offer Latka one thousand dollars to leave their daughter alone. But he wouldn't take it. And if that isn't love...then I don't know what is.

THE AGENTS CLEARLY DON'T BUY THE STORY, BUT DECIDE TO LEAVE IT.

Mr. Richards: Thank you for your time, gentlemen.

Alex: Oh, not at all.

THE OFFICERS LEAVE. THE CABBIES SURROUND LOUIE AND START CONGRATULATING HIM AND CLAPPING HIM ON THE BACK. LOUIE SHAKES THEM OFF.

Louie: I don't want none of that stuff! No! (SCORNFUL) Drivers touching me? I want nobody touching me. Except... (POINTING TO LATKA)...him.

LATKA AND LOUIE HUG.

Alex: Hey, Louie! That was a very nice story you made up, you know that?

Louie: You mean about the family offering money to give up the girl?

Alex: Yeah.

Louie: I didn't make that up. That happened to me five years ago.

Alex: Really? That surprises me, Louie.

Louie: Except I changed two things. The family only offered me a lousy fifty bucks.

Alex: What was the other thing?

Louie: I took it!

FADE OUT

SCENE E

FADE IN:

GARAGE - CHAIRS AND BENCHES HAVE BEEN SET OUT TO PREPARE FOR THE WEDDING. GUESTS ARE MILLING ABOUT; MOST OF THEM ARE CABBIES WHO WORK THERE.

Alex: Okay, everybody, let's take our seats now! Come on, look, just find a seat anywhere. Look, the bride's people on one side, the groom's people on the other. I know, it makes no difference, just sit down.

Elaine: I'm going to go check on the bride, okay?

Alex: Good, good. Latka!

Tony: Hey, Latka, you ready?

WHILE ALEX AND TONY STAND WITH LATKA, BOBBY ENTERS WITH REVEREND JIM IGNATOWSKI.

Bobby: Hey, everybody. This is, uh, Reverend Jim. Uh, Jim...

Jim: That's - that's it. Just, uh...Reverend Jim.

ALEX COMES OVER

Bobby: Uh...well, uh...he's gonna perform the ceremony for us.

Alex: Reverend Jim - I'm Cabbie Alex. (THEY SHAKE HANDS) Listen, I don't want to be impolite, but you are a minister, aren't you?

Jim: Certainly. I was ordained in '68. Church of the Peaceful. The Church was investigated and cleared completely.