Christmas Story Transcript (Season 1)

Scene 1:
Livingroom:
Elyse comes downstairs carrying suitcases. Steven is standing by the coat closet.

Steven: Elyse, I can't believe all this luggage. There shouldn't be more suitcases then members of the family.

Elyse puts on a coat. Steven is already wearing a coat, scarf and a hat.

Elyse: I don't know how to break this to you Steven, but these are Mallory's. Ours are still upstairs.

Jennifer, Alex and Mallory come downstairs with suitcases.

Jennifer: Let's hit those slopes.

Steven: Mallory where are your skis?

Mallory grabs her coat.

Mallory: Skis? Why would I bring skis?

Elyse: It's a ski trip.

Elyse puts on a scarf.

Mallory: Oh, that's the outdoor part Mom.

Mallory puts on her coat and so does Alex.

Mallory: Let's not forget the great indoors. Parties, boys, games, boys.

A Christmas tree can be seen in the livingroom.

Steven: I'll get your skis.

Jennifer: Are you going to ski with me this year Alex?

Alex: No way Jennifer. I tried skiing with you last year and it didn't work out.

Jennifer: I'll stay on the bunny slope with you this time. I promise.

Alex: That's what you said last year and as soon as we got up there you dragged me off to Dead Man's Goltch. Why do you always have to ski the top?

Jennifer: Because it's there.

Jennifer snaps her coat closed.

Steven comes back downstairs.

Steven: Ok, this should do it. Everybody grab a bag or two and lets go.

Elyse: Ok.

Everyone grabs stuff and heads toward the front door. Steven opens it and the snow is blowing hard.

Steven: It's coming down pretty hard.

Elyse: Well, what do you want to do?

Steven: I say we all make a run for it. Ready?

Everyone: Ok.

Steven: Ok, bundle up.

Mallory grabs her skis.

Steven: Ok let's go.

They all head out the door.

Elyse: Here we go.

Elyse turns off the light and closes the door.

Elyse opens the door back up.

Elyse: Here we come.

Elyse turns the light back on. Everyone comes back inside. They put the stuff down. Steven closes the door.

Steven: (teeth chattering): Maybe we could go away for the Fourth Of July instead.

Elyse: Well, maybe the storm will pass in a few minutes. Meanwhile, we'll have to stay here.

Elyse takes her coat off.

Alex: Stay here?

Mallory: For Christmas?

Elyse: It will be nice. Just the family at home in front of the fire.

Alex: What are we a Hallmark card?

Steven: Sounds good to me.

Elyse: Maybe we all could open up a few Christmas gifts early.

Mallory and Jennifer take off their coats.

Jennifer: Now you're talking my kind of Christmas.

Alex: I don't know. I'm against this. Tradition says you don't open presents until Christmas morning. Hey, is that big blue one for me?

Mallory slaps Alex's hand.

Mallory: Keep your tiny little hands off that. That's my present to Mom.

Elyse picks up a present.

Elyse: Steven I want you to open this one first. It's from me to you. Well, really it's for the whole family.

Elyse hands the gift to Steven and sits down on the edge of the couch. Jennifer, Alex and Mallory sit down on the couch.

Jennifer: Oh no, another whole family gift? Not another trash compactor.

Steven opens up the gift.

Steven: A photo album and unless I missed my guess there's a brand new camera to go along with it.

Elyse: No, no camera.

Steven: Oh, just an album huh? No camera?

Elyse: Just the album. Don't you remember we said we we're going to be creative this year and make gifts instead of spending a lot of money Christmas shopping?

Steven: I know we said it. I just didn't know we meant it.

Elyse: Just open the album.

Steven opens the album.

Steven: Hey! Peace Core pictures.

Alex: I'd rather have a trash compactor.

They all gather around the coffee table to look at the pictures.

Steven: Where did you dig this up?

Elyse: Well, that's the surprise. See, the whole album is filled with pictures from the time we met to the present.

Steven: Oh, thank you honey. That's very sweet.

Jennifer: Hey, look there's one of Alex as a baby. Why is he wearing a tie?

Elyse: Those are beads.

Jennifer: Alex wearing beads? I want this one enlarged.

Alex: Hey, look it wasn't my choice to be born in Africa.

Scene 2:
Fade in on flashback.
Screen says 'Africa 1965'

Steven and Elyse enter a cabin. Elyse is pregnant.

Elyse: Oh, I've got to sit down.

Steven: Me too.

Steven sits down and Elyse looks at him.

Steven: Oh, I'm sorry.

Steven gets up.

Steven: Are you ok?

Elyse: Yeah, is it hot or is it just me?

Elyse sits down. Steven looks at the thermostat.

Steven: Oh, it's 109, it's just you.

Elyse fans herself.

Elyse: Did you happen to hear the weather forecast for tomorrow?

Steven: I did Elyse. It's going to cool off a little tomorrow. They say the old Mercury will be dipping down to about 105. The humidity should be about minus fourteen.

Elyse: Is it at least a record breaking drought we're living hun?

Steven: No, it was a longer one last year. In fact, this is still last year's drought.

Elyse: Sorry I brought it up. I shouldn't talk about it. The more I talk about it the more it bothers us.

Steven: You're right. Let's not bring up the drought again.

Knock at the door. Max enters.

Max: Dry enough for you?

Elyse: Nah.

Max: I'm sorry Elyse. The drought is really starting to get to me. It's not just me either. I saw a camel buying an airline ticket.

Steven: Look Max, it's not that bad. Don't forget, tomorrow the villagers are doing that big rain dance.

Max: I'm glad you told me. I was going to wash my car. Look we can't let them go through with this rain ceremony can we?

Steven: Why not? It sounds fascinating.

Max: It's ridiculous. Look, I want to see the end to this drought as much as the next man, but we can't have the people going off and performing some crazy ritual that perpetuates super stision and fear.

Elyse: Why not?

Max: It gives me the willies.

Elyse: There's something to be said for the way of life the way it is.

Elyse gets up from the chair and walks over to the bed.

Elyse: They live in harmony with nature. They live a close intimate connection to the land. You can't take that away and just give them a toaster oven and an alarm clock in return.

Elyse falls back on the bed.

Max: How about we throw in some flashlights? Some of those guys get a big kick out of that stuff.

Max sits down in a chair.

Steven: Can I ask you a personal question?

Elyse groans.

Max: Hey it's a tough speech to remember.

Steven: Here comes the baby scream.

Elyse screams.

Steven: I'm going to take that as a yes. Max, can you go get Dr. Ellis? Please?

Max gets up from the chair.

Max: Sure.

Steven: Ok, honey, hold on I'm coming.

Max: Ok, I think I remember it now. It's ask not what your country--

Steven: Max!

Max: Ok.

Max leaves.

Steven: Are you feeling ok?

Elyse: Fine, I'm just a little nervous.

Steven puts a cloth over Elyse's forehead.

Steven: Ok, relax. Try to take your mind off of this.

Elyse: Oh, ok.

Steven: So, read any good books lately?

Elyse: Groans.

Steven: Forget books. What about movies?

Elyse: We haven't seen a movie in ten months Steven.

Steven: Elyse, do you realize what's going to happen. We're going to have a baby.

Elyse: I know.

Steven: It doesn't feel real.

Elyse: It does from here.

It starts storming.

Steven: Elyse. It's raining! Come on out here.

Elyse: I'm busy Steven!

Steven: Oh, it's a miracle!

Steven leans out the window and gets wet from the rain.

Elyse: Oh, let me have a sip of your sleeve.

Steven puts his head on Elyse's stomach.

Steven: We're going to be a mother Elyse. I mean we're not both going to be a mother. I mean one of us is going to be the mother and the other one will be the father.

Elyse: I'll be the mother ok?

Steven: I don't want to be the kind of father who says (points at Elyse's stomach): do this. Don't do that. Eat all your peas. Eat all my peas. I think we should treat him or her as autonomous individual with a unique personality and one--

Elyse: Steven.

Steven: What?

Elyse: Please shut up.

Steven: You look beautiful.

Elyse: So do you.

Steven: What a day.

The ceiling starts leaking. Steven holds up a pan to catch the rain.

Steven: Let's try to remember every detail.

Elyse: I don't think it will be easy to forget.

Scene 3:
Fade back to present time.
Livingroom: Steven, Elyse, Mallory, Alex and Jennifer are present. They are still sitting around the coffee table.

Jennifer: So what happened next?

Steven: I don't remember, do you Elyse?

Elyse: No. Well, of course I remember. Dr. Ellis came and pretty soon Alex was born. He was a pretty big hit over there too. Everyone thought he was so cute.

Mallory: Must have been the heat.

Mallory gets up and sits in the chair next to the couch.

Mallory: Boy, am I glad that I was born right here in the USA. I'd hate to think I started out life where they'd never heard of a clearance sale.

Steven: No, when you were born there were other problems.

Scene 4:
Fade in on flashback.
Screen says 'Berkley Calif. 1967'
Hospital: Elyse is in a hospital bed. The doctor and nurse are present.

Doctor: Well, Mrs. Keaton, you are definitely in labor. Lucky for you I majored in labor relations. See that's a play on the word labor. it's a joke.

Elyse: I know it's a joke. I didn't think it was funny.

Doctor: Well, I won't belabor it. That's one too.

Steven enters the room.

Steven: Is everything ok doctor?

Doctor: Well, I've got this pulled muscle in my leg, but other than that I'm fine.

Doctor: I'm Dr. Waxman.

Steven and the doctor shake hands.

Steven: I'm Steven Keaton.

Doctor: Nice to meet you. Your wife is doing just fine.

Steven: Oh good.

Doctor: Wait a minute. Stevie Keaton? Camp Kiahoka right?

Steven: Right.

Doctor: Well, don't you remember me? I'm Larry Waxman.

Steven; Larry Waxman. Crazy Larry Waxman!

Steven and the doctor hug and make some kind of noise/chant.

Elyse: My baby's going to be delivered by someone named Crazy Larry?

Doctor: Hey, Stevie. Camp song ok?

Steven and the doctor start singing.

Steven and Larry: We'll be going to Kiahoka when we go, when we go. When we get there then we'll be there and we'll know, then we'll know. We'll be roasting those marshmallows with those gals and all those fellows when we go to Kiahoka when we go, when we go.

Elyse: Campers go back to your cabins. We're having a baby here remember?

Steven: I'm sorry Elyse.

Doctor: It's just that I don't get to sing that song too often.

Elyse: You can sing anything you want tomorrow. You can record it tomorrow.

Doctor: Steve, I want you to know that this baby stuff is easy. You've got nothing to worry about. It's a breeze. Routine procedure.

Steven sits down in a chair.

Doctor: You're going to pull through this just fine.

Steven: I know. This is my second baby.

Doctor: Really? It's my first.

Elyse: Boys. You who. Remember me? I'm the one having the baby.

Doctor: Well, everything seems to be ok.

Steven: Feel all right honey?

Steven gets up from the chair.

Elyse: Yeah, fine. What about the test?

Doctor: You don't need a test. You're pregnant. I'm sure of it.

Elyse: Steven, has a poly-sci final in about twenty minutes.

Steven: I can skip it.

Elyse: You can't skip it.

Steven: I can't leave here.

Doctor: Steve, it's going to be awhile. It could be hours. It could be tomorrow.

Elyse: Honey I think you should go. I'd feel better if you did. I'll be fine.

Steven: Are you sure?

Doctor: Steve, you go take that final. Kiahoka guys don't skip finals.

Steven: All right. Are you sure it's ok?

Elyse: I'm sure baby.

Steven: I'll be back just as soon as I can. Remember when they showed us that movie psycho?

Doctor: Oh sure, that's what made me want to be a doctor.

Steven and the doctor exit the room.

Steven and the doctor can be heard singing.

Steven and the doctor: We'll be roasting those marshmallows with those gals and--

Elyse screams.

Elyse: Steven! Nurse! Crazy Larry!

Scene 5:
Fade back to present time.
Livingroom: Elyse has a tray with tea on it.

Mallory: I was delivered by a guy named Crazy Larry?

Alex: That explains a lot.

Jennifer: Did Dr. Crazy hear you call for him Mommy?

Elyse: Yeah, and the funny thing was that he turned out to be a terrific doctor.

Alex: How did you do on the poly-sci test Dad?

Steven: Not to well. For name the Bulshwish leaders I put Mallory if it's a girl and Lennon if it's a boy. I got partial credit.

Jennifer gets up from the couch and walks over to the window. Mallory sits down in the chair next to the couch.

Jennifer: Boy, it's coming down harder then ever.

Alex: Ah great. Now we're going to be stuck here together.

Steven: I don't think stuck is the appropriate word Alex.

Steven stands up.

Alex: Ok, trapped.

Jennifer, Steven, and Mallory are standing at the window.

Mallory: Dad, it's light flurry's that's all. We can make it.

Steven: I can't even see the car from here.

Mallory: Dad, you don't understand. Donny Heyes is up there waiting for me. His family went last night.

Elyse: Mallory, you don't want your whole family to risk their lives just so you can meet Donny Heyes do you?

Mallory: No. Maybe Alex could drive me.

Mallory sits down in the chair next to the couch. Mallory drinks some tea.

Steven: Maybe we could open up a few more presents. If we're going to be in all night.

Steven picks up a present.

Elyse: Good idea.

Jennifer picks up a present and hands it to Mallory. Elyse sits down on the couch.

Jennifer: Merry Christmas Mallory.

Mallory: Thank you Jennifer.

Mallory opens the present and pulls out a large home made hat.

Steven: Oh, that's great.

Mallory: It's a very nice, woolen, practical gift.

Jennifer: It's a hat. I made it myself.

Elyse and Alex are drinking tea.

Alex: No kidding.

Steven: That's great. I wish I had a hat like that.

Jennifer: You do.

Mallory pulls the hat on and it's so big that it fits covering her head completely.

Alex: Ah, I change my mind, I love it.

Mallory pulls it up so that her face can be seen.

Mallory: Well I think it's beautiful. Thank you Jennifer.

Mallory hugs Jennifer.

Steven: Well, I've got something I'd like to give now. It's for you Elyse.

Steven picks up a present and then walks over to Elyse and hands it to her.

Elyse: For me? You shouldn't have.

Steven: Should I take it back?

Elyse: Don't you dare.

Elyse opens the present.

Elyse: A flute. Oh thank you Steven.

Steven: I made it myself.

Elyse: It's beautiful.

Jennifer: Mommy, I didn't know you knew how to play the flute.

Elyse: I've always wanted to learn.

Elyse puts her fingers on the flute and realizes there are no holes.

Elyse: Aren't there supposed to be holes in this?

Steven: I got a late start. I'll give you the wholes next year.

Elyse: Thank you.

Steven and Elyse kiss.

Mallory: Oh boy, here they go.

Jennifer: They're not even under the missile toe.

Alex: In a couple of minutes they're going to be under the table.

Mallory: Look, maybe you should tell us the story about how Jennifer was born.

Steven: You really want to hear it?

Mallory: No, but it's probably the only way to stop the kissing.

Scene 6:
Fade in on flashback.
The screen says: 'Columbus Ohio, 1972'
Hospital: Steven and Elyse are headed down a hall way. Elyse is laying in a bed that is being pushed. Steven is reading a book out loud.

Steven: This is interesting. Childbirth can be described as four stages: effacement, dilation, transition and expulsion. These stages are accomplished by the muscular action of the uterus called contractions. Which stage are you in Elyse?

Elyse: I'm in pain Steven.

Nurse: You know most people don't cram for childbirth.

Steven: You see, she's way ahead of schedule. The baby wasn't due until next month.

Elyse groans.

Steven: In fact, we were on our way to vote when the contractions started.

Elyse: Yeah, I think we really should have voted first.

Steven: I know what you mean. I think it's going to be a very close election and our votes could have put Magovern over the top.

Elyse: Have you heard anything about the early returns?

Nurse: Well, I just came from a Nixon victory party. Does that give you any clue?

Steven: It's a little early to tell isn't it?

Nurse: Well, there's one percent of the vote in and Magovern's losing by a six to one margin.

Elyse: One percent? What can you tell by that?

Nurse: It's Magovern's home town.

Young Alex and Mallory enter.

Alex: Hey, Dad did you hear the good news?

Alex puts his arms up in the air.

Steven: Yeah, Alex we heard. We're very happy for you.

Alex: I guess all my hard work paid off.

Steven: Yeah, I think that last minute mailing you sent out had something to do with the effect.

Nurse: Sir, if those are your children they must wait in the waiting room. That's how it got its' name.

Steven: I know. That's where they were. Why don't you go on back now?

Elyse groans.

Alex and Mallory run over to where Elyse is. Mallory and Alex climb up on the railing of the bed.

Mallory: How are you feeling Mommy?

Elyse: Oh, just great honey.

Mallory: How come my cousin Sandy's German Shepherd had puppies. She had eight and you're only going to have one?

Elyse: It's not the same as a dog having puppies.

Mallory: Is that why you're not having it in the garage?

The doctor enters.

Nurse: She's about eight centimeters. I'll go check on a delivery room.

Steven shakes hands with the doctor.

Steven: Hi Dr. Rogers.

Doctor: Hi Steven. Hi Elyse, how are you feeling?

Elyse: Great.

Steven: I don't think you've met Alex and Mallory.

Doctor: Hi kids.

Alex & Mallory: Hi.

Doctor: Well, birth is a wonders event isn't it kids? Mystery of nature's miracles. You must have a lot of questions about all of this.

Alex: Yeah, how much do you make a year?

Steven: Alex, you were just leaving.

Alex: Right.

Mallory and Alex climb down off the railing.

Steven: Now Alex, you look after Mallory and we'll be back just as soon as we can with a brand new baby brother or baby sister for you to play with.

Alex: I'm hoping for a brother.

Mallory: I think I'd rather have a German Shepherd.

Alex puts up his arms.

Alex: Four more years, four more years.

Alex and Mallory leave.

Elyse groans.

Scene 7:
Delivery Room:

Doctor: You're doing great Elyse. Now during the next contraction I want you to resist the urge to push.

Steven: It says here that to avoid pushing you should relax and blow out as hard as you can. That doesn't sound too tough.

Nurse: Why don't you try it some time.

Elyse practices breathing.

Steven: One, two, slow it down. Good. Go easy. Ah, that was perfect. I can't believe how well you're doing.

Elyse: You're not doing so bad yourself.

Steven: Well, but thanks, there's nothing to it.

Elyse: What about a kiss?

Steven and Elyse kiss.

Elyse starts breathing hard.

Doctor: Oh, that must have been some kiss. Ok Elyse, start pushing.

Elyse pushes.

Steven: Hey, I can see the baby's head.

Elyse: Is it a boy or girl?

Steven: I can't tell from the head. I don't see ponytails or anything.

Doctor: Ok, push, push. There you are. You have a baby girl.

Steven: Oh, all right!

Scene 8:
Fade back to present time.
Livingroom: Everyone is present. Everyone is wearing home made hats.

Steven: Then you opened up your mouth and let out a big scream.

Alex: And we haven't been able to shut you up since.

Elyse: And it was really terrific to have your Daddy there in the room with me. He was such a big help.

Jennifer gets up and sits down by Steven.

Jennifer: So, Alex wanted Nixon, Mallory wanted a puppy. What did you want Daddy?

Steven: Me? I just wanted one thing. Healthy, beautiful child. And that's what I got three times. I'm a very lucky man.

Mallory gets up and walks over to the tree.

Alex; Well, hey as parents go you two aren't so bad.

Alex gets up and sits on the arm of the couch. Mallory gets a present.

Mallory: Dad, here's a present from us kids.

Mallory hands Steven the gift.

Mallory: We didn't exactly make it.

Alex: But we all worked hard to earn some extra cash and now that Ron has inflation under control and our dollars are worth more we thought we'd stimulate the economy by buying an expensive American product. However, we ran a little short on liquid assets department and

Jennifer: What he means is Mommy put up the rest of the money.

Alex: Well, that's another way of saying it. Merry Christmas Dad.

Steven opens the gift.

Steven: Oh hey this is great! It's that new camera. This is really fantastic.

Steven kisses Mallory and Jennifer on the cheek.

Steven: Thanks everybody.

Mallory: It's all loaded and ready to go too.

Steven kisses Elyse.

Elyse: I'm so glad it snowed so hard. I've had such a good time looking at these old photographs.

Alex: Yeah, remembering all the glory years when I was still an only child.

Mallory: Do you still see Crazy Larry?

Steven: We visit him on weekends. You know this could turn out to be the best Christmas ever.

Jennifer gets up from the couch.

Jennifer: You're right Dad and it's a really special night. Christmas is a time for sharing those moments that are more precious than any material gift. It's a time which renews our spirits and makes us aware of the beauty that surrounds us and of the beauty within us.

Elyse and Steven look at each other.

Steven: Jennifer, that's really lovely.

Jennifer sits on Steven's lap.

Jennifer: Yeah, but it's more effective with the wings.

Elyse: Wings?

Jennifer: It's a part from my school play. Remember? I was a Christmas angel.

Alex: You played an angel?

Jennifer: It was either that or stick a tree branch on my head and be a reindeer.

Steven stands up.

Steven: Ok, everybody in front of the tree. I'm going to take a Christmas portrait.

Everyone gets up and is excited.

Steven: I'm going to put a timer on this.

Steven squats down to the camera.

Mallory: Oh, get down.

Mallory, Elyse, Alex and Jennifer get down on their knees.

Steven: Get in place. Everybody looks great. All set?

Mallory: Get down.

Steven: Ok.

Steven gets up to get in the picture.

Jennifer: Come on Dad.

Steven: I'm here. Good. Smile.

Elyse: What's happening?

Steven: It'll be just a second.

Steven gets up to see what the problem is and the camera takes the picture.

Steven goes over to the camera.

Steven: I can get it. One more time.

Elyse: Come on.

Steven: Let's give it one more time.

Elyse: Ok.

Steven: All right. Everybody say Merry Christmas.

Everyone: Merry Christmas!

The camera takes the picture.

The End.

Transcript