Have Gun Will Unravel Transcript

Scene 1:
Kitchen: Enter Steven, Elyse, Alex, Mallory and Jennifer. They take off their jackets.

Steven: I can't believe that your Mother and I were the only one's who enjoyed A Hard Day's Night.

Mallory: No, no I'm sure there were some other old people there in the audience who enjoyed it.

Elyse: Yeah, I hear Beatles are big in nursing homes.

Jennifer: Next time let me pick the movie ok?

Mallory: No, we let you pick the movie last time and it was terrible.

Jennifer: I can't help it if you don't like subtitles.

Alex: At least that movie was quiet. You could sleep. These guys kept breaking into song every five minutes.

Alex sits down at the kitchen table.

Steven: Elyse, I'm crushed. How did we manage to raise three children who don't care that Eleanor Riby keeps her face in a jar by the door?

Elyse: The same way our parents raised kids who don't care how Stella looked by starlight.

Mallory: I can't believe you guys used to listen to that kind of music. It's so boring.

Mallory sits down at the table. Elyse exits the kitchen and goes into the livingroom.

Jennifer: They didn't even break any guitars.

Steven: Is that how you judge music today? By how many guitars get broken?

Jennifer: No, that's how you know the song's over.

Mallory and Alex are eating at the table.

Elyse: Steven come in here quickly!

Everyone quickly runs into the livingroom.

Scene 2:
Livingroom: Elyse, Steven, Mallory, Alex and Jennifer are present. The livingroom is a complete mess.

Steven: My God. We've been robbed.

Elyse: I can't believe it. People we don't even know came in here. They tracked mud all over the floor. They took things that belonged to us. Why would they do that?

Steven: They're burglars Elyse. That's their job.

Alex: I'll check my room.

Mallory: Me too.

Alex and Mallory go upstairs.

Elyse: Steven check the dinning room. See if the silverware is still there. It's in the top drawer of the breakfront.

Jennifer: Wow, wait until my class hears about this during show and tell. Oh, Mommy do you mind tying me to this chair for a picture? The kids at school are hard to impress.

Steven comes running into the livingroom.

Steven: I think the silver's gone Elyse.

Elyse: It's not in the breakfront?

Steven: Hard to tell. They took the break front.

Alex comes downstairs.

Alex: They cleaned me out. They took everything. They took my calculator collection, my golf clubs. At least they didn't touch my Mon AVone albums.

Steven: That's a relief.

Alex: They really made a mess up there. They went through everything, even the linen closet.

Elyse: Oh great! Now the whole underworld knows that my sheets and pillowcases don't match.

Mallory comes downstairs.

Mallory: (dramatically) It's gone, I can't believe it. They took my most prized possession.

Alex: So we'll get you another mirror.

Mallory: They took my diary. I'm freaking out. I'm going to have to leave town.

Jennifer: Don't worry Mallory, I had it xeroxed last week.

Mallory: (puts a hand to her chest): You xeroxed my diary?!

Jennifer: Yeah, and I have a lot of questions.

Mallory takes Jennifer's chin in her hand.

Mallory: I'm going to kill you!

Elyse: I'm calling the police.

Mallory: Mom, It's just a figure of speech.

Elyse picks up the phone.

Steven: Now, everybody stay calm. The important thing is that no one was hurt. Nothing else matters.

Jennifer: That's easy for you to say, you didn't read her diary.

Mallory takes a step toward Jennifer, but Steven holds her back.

Scene 3:
Kitchen: The light is off. Steven opens the door a little and turns on the light. He opens the door further and enters the kitchen. Steven looks around to make sure no one is in the house. He goes into the pantry area, opens the door that leads into it and the broom falls down scaring him and everyone else. Mallory, Alex, Elyse and Jennifer enter the kitchen. They ask if he's ok.

Steven: I'm all right. I think the broom's dead though.

Jennifer jumps up on the counter top and sits there.

Alex: Just relax Dad. I'll check the livingroom.

Alex makes a noise and uses a karate move on the swinging door and goes through it. He quickly returns.

Alex: It's all clear. Nobody's in there.

Jennifer: Did you look upstairs?

Alex: Upstairs?

Mallory: Yeah, you know where we keep the bedrooms.

Alex: No, no I didn't make it up there.

Mallory: Coward.

Alex: Look who's talking. The brave soul who offered me five dollars to check behind the shower curtain last night.

Mallory: I did not. I offered you three, you said you'd do it for five.

Elyse: Mallory, if you're scared come to me or Daddy, we don't charge.

Mallory: I would have, but you were downstairs frisking the paperboy.

Elyse: I wasn't frisking him. I was checking his id. He's new on the route.

Steven: All right. This is going to have to stop. I will not have my family afraid in our own home.

Jennifer: Can we go to a motel?

Steven; No. I think it's time for a family meeting about this.

Alex, Mallory and Jennifer groan.

Elyse: Yeah.

Jennifer: Not another family meeting.

Jennifer jumps down off the counter top. Elyse, Steven and Jennifer go over to the table. Alex and Mallory are already sitting at the table. Jennifer sits down at the table.

Mallory: Look, can't we just talk about this without having a former meeting?

Alex: Just because you two want to keep up this sherade of a '60's participatory democracy, why do we have to be subjected to it?

Mallory & Jennifer: Yeah?

Steven: Because we say so.

Jennifer, Alex and Mallory stand up.

Alex: Assigned seats?

Steven: Assigned seats.

Everyone goes to their assigned seat and sits down. Steven uses a kitchen utensil as a gavel. He bangs it on the table.

Steven: This meeting will now come to order. We'll dispense with the minutes. Any old business?

Jennifer: (reading from a piece of paper): At the last meeting we decided to boycott the following products: pursian rugs, whale blubbers-

Elyse: Can't we just skip the old business and get onto the problem at hand?

Jennifer: It's highly irregular.

Steven: Ok, look, I know the burglary has been hard on everyone. We've got to put it past us. We can't let fear take over and destroy our lives.

Jennifer: Does that mean I have to stop sleeping with my light on?

Steven: No, no, you keep your light on as long as you need to if it makes you feel more comfortable.

Jennifer: Can Alex keep his own too?

Alex: Jennifer!

Jennifer: You told me to ask.

Alex: I explained that to you. I need it to read by.

Mallory: You read by a Donald Duck night light?

Alex tries to grab the utensil, but Steven stops him.

Steven: All I'm saying is that we're going to take some steps to try and make us feel safe again.

Elyse: Yeah, I think we should keep the house locked at all times. Don't let any strangers in and if you see anybody acting suspicious call the police.

Steven: We want to know where you are and who you're with at all times.

Mallory: At all times?

Steven: At all times.

Mallory: Well, as a member of this democratic household I move that we hold a vote on the last issue.

Steven: Motion denied.

Steven bangs utensil.

Steven: What do you think about organizing a neighborhood watch meeting Elyse?

Mallory: Boy Dad, you'll do anything to hold a meeting.

Elyse: The police said they would send someone to speak if we did. I think it's a real good idea.

Steven: Should we hold it here or maybe we should call Phyllis and have it--

Jennifer: Chrissy's parents held a neighborhood watch meeting and every house on the block got robbed that night except theirs.

Steven: We'll have it here.

Scene 4:
Livingroom: Elyse, Steven and other parents in the neighborhood are present. Everyone is talking at once. Elyse and Steven are sitting on the couch. Everyone else, except for the police officer are sitting in chairs. The officer is standing.

Police Officer: Just remember nothing's foolproof. If burglars want to get in badly enough they will. The most you can do is make it hard and then maybe they'll go down the block instead to your neighbor's house.

Everyone reacts to what the officer said.

One guy raises his hand and stands up.

Earl: Officer, officer now that you've lost control of this meeting, do you mind if I say something?

Officer: I have a feeling you're going to.

Earl: Thank You. My name is Earl Quiby and I sell insurance.

Steven: This should be real subtle and sensitive.

Earl: If anybody knows how vulnerable a house can be, it's yours truly. Believe me, there isn't an alarm system on this Earth that can't be suckered. You want statistics? I've got statistics.

Earl pulls out a small pad of paper from his back pocket.

Earl: Pick a crime, any crime.

Phyllis: Assault and battery.

Earl: One of my favorites. (reading): Up twenty percent in this neighborhood over last year.

Everyone reacts.

Earl: We live in a jungle. At this very moment, there's a crime being committed somewhere in this neighborhood within a five mile radius.

Officer: You wouldn't happen to know where would you?

Earl: Let's face it, the only way to really protect ourselves is to get a g u n.

Everybody reacts.

Officer: I wouldn't recommend that for most people. Accidents happen. If you've got a gun you better be careful.

Earl: I am.

Officer: Well I've got to be moving on. I hope I haven't made you people anymore frightened then you already were.

Steven: We appreciate your honesty.

Officer: Burglars are a peculiar breed. They're not usually satisfied with hitting one house on the block and then move on. Oh no, they'll keep coming back again and again. Picking on, picking, picking, picking, until there's nothing left to pick on. Leeches zapping the strength our blood.

Everyone starts to leave.

Officer: Did I say the wrong thing?

Steven: Which time?

The officer leaves.

Steven: Let's remember to keep him out of the locker room at half time.

Phyllis: Can I help you clean up a little bit here Elyse?

Elyse: Thanks Phyllis, but I think I'll just leave it all out for the burglars.

Steven: Well, I can't say this meeting did a whole lot for my sense of security.

Earl: You want security Keaton? Get yourself a g u n.

Elyse: You don't understand. We don't believe in guns.

Earl: Well, that's fine and dandy until you come up against someone who does. I've got to be going.

Steven: (sarcastic): Oh, do you have to?

Earl walks over to the front door and Steven opens it. Earl looks at the lock on the door and twists it.

Earl: (laughs): Is that the lock your going with Keaton?

Earl laughs again. Earl leaves and Steven closes the door.

Elyse: Why can't he understand that we can't have a gun in the house. We have three children.

Phyllis: I've got four, and I've got a gun.

Elyse: You Phyllis?

Phyllis: Yes, me. Hey, you'd be surprised how many people like you and me have guns these days. I'd think about it if I were you. I'll call you tomorrow.

Elyse: Yeah, sure.

Phyllis: Goodnight Steven.

Steven: Goodnight.

Phyllis leaves through the front door.

Elyse: I can't believe it. Phyllis Evens has got a gun. What is going on in the world Steven!?

Steven does respond.

Elyse: Steven.

Steven: Hmm? Oh, yeah. Look, I didn't like the way they put it, but I hate to admit it, but maybe some of what Earl and Phyllis had to say made some sense. Maybe we should consider getting a (hesitates): g u - you know.

Elyse; You can't even say it.

Steven: My vocal cords can be very stubborn. It took them six months to say President (stutters): N-Nixon.

Elyse: A gun, that seems so terribly wrong.

Steven: I know, I know. I also know the world is changing and we got to adjust to it.

Elyse: Last time you said that you signed us up for disco lessons.

Steven and Elyse sit down on the couch.

Steven: Ever since the burglary I can't stop myself from thinking about what might have happened if we'd been home when they broke in.

Elyse: I know that thought crossed my mind two, three, or four hundred times, but is a gun the answer?

Steven: I don't know.

Jennifer, Mallory and Alex come down in their pajamas with pillows and blankets.

Jennifer: Will you sleep down here with us?

Steven: What's the matter?

Alex: We're shared. I mean, they're scared. I'm trying to be supportive.

Jennifer sits down on the couch. Mallory sits by Jennifer. Alex sits in the chair next to the couch.

Steven: Sure, why don't we all sleep down here. It'll be fun. Just like camping.

Jennifer: Am I going to have go to the bathroom outside?

Elyse; Not this trip.

Steven: You kids wait down here. Your Mother and I will change into our pajamas and will be right back.

Steven and Elyse get up from the couch and head toward the stairs.

Elyse: Yeah. We will be right back down.

Steven and Elyse go upstairs.

Jennifer, Mallory and Alex look at each other. Mallory and Jennifer get up and head toward the stairs and Alex follows them. They hurry up the stairs.

Scene 5:
Store: Elyse and Steven are present.

Steven: Hi.

Woman: Well, what can I do for you folks today?

Steven: Well, lets see, we need some camping items, some insect repellent, campus, a collapsible drinking cup, a (covers hand to muffle sound) gun, a canteen, electric socks.

Woman: Ok, suppose we cut the song and dance. What kind of gun do you want?

Steven: What are the different kinds?

Woman: Depends. Do you just want to put a nick in him, or do you want to blow him away?

Steven: Well, a nick I think. What do you think honey?

Elyse: A nick sounds fine.

Steven: Yes, a nick then.

Woman: Do you want that nick to be a small size, middle sized, or grand canyon?

Elyse: To tell you the truth, we're not all that sure we want to buy a gun. See, actually we're passifics. We've marched for peace, seven, no eight times if you count that rally in Paris we thought was for peace, but it really turned out to be illegalized prostitution. Our French wasn't very good at the time.

Woman: When were you robbed?

Elyse: How did you know we were robbed?

Woman: Well, that's what usually gets folks like you in here. Now don't be ashamed. It's no crime to want to protect yourselves.

Elyse: We just never thought we'd buy a gun.

The woman pulls a drawer open and takes out a gun and then closes the drawer.

Woman: Well, I think this might be your style. Most of the passifics that come in here seem to like it.

Steven reaches for the gun and picks it up.

Steven: I've never held a gun before. This is going to take a minute.

Steven holds it up right and aims it.

Woman: Oh, it's you.

Steven puts the gun down on the counter.

Steven: They are intimidating aren't they?

Woman: That's what makes them so popular.

Elyse: What do you think?

Steven: I don't know. Part of me wants tot and part of me doesn't.

Woman: Which part has the wallet?

Scene 6:
Steven & Elyse's bedroom: Steven and Elyse are present. They are laying on the bed looking at the gun. There is also a box of bullets on the bed. Elyse picks up the gun.

Elyse: Steven, do you realize I hold in my hand the power to take a human life?

Steven: What you're holding is the power to save a life. Put it down anyway.

They put the gun down.

Steven: Honey, if someone broke into the house right now we wouldn't be helpless. That's important.

Elyse: Yeah, I know that, but it's like the time your Father sent us that moose head for our anniversary. It's just not us.

Steven: We're not going to hang the gun over the fireplace.

Elyse: We're not going to hang the moose head there either.

Steven: Let's not get into that argument again. I was wrong about the moose head. Let it stay in Alex's room.

Elyse: Ok.

Steven: All I'm saying is that we're going to put the gun in a drawer and forget about it. Are you with me on this?

Elyse: I'm willing to try.

Steven: I'll keep the gun in my drawer, (picks up the box of bullets): we'll keep the bullets in yours. Well, here I go.

Steven gets up from the bed and picks up the gun.

Steven: I'm picking up the gun. I've got the gun and I'm taking it to the dresser.

Steven walks over to the dresser. He opens the drawer.

Steven: And opening the drawer and I'm putting the gun inside and closing the drawer.

Steven puts the gun in the drawer and closes the drawer. Steven turns around to face Elyse. Elyse tosses the box of bullets to Steven.

Elyse: Put the bullets away for me?

Steven: (dramatically): My God Elyse! You could have killed me!

Elyse: Bullets are only dangerous when they come directly out of a gun.

Steven puts the bullets away.

Steven: (quietly): Ok, now I'll tell the kids.

Elyse: You don't have to tip toe Steven. Guns don't go off by themselves.

Steven: You'd make a lousy defense lawyer.

Steven walks over the bedroom door.

Steven: Alex, Mallory, Jen--

Steven opens the door and the kids fall forward.

Alex: Hi.

Mallory: Hi, we were just coming up to kiss you both goodnight.

Steven: We haven't even had dinner yet.

Jennifer: We didn't want to forget. We didn't want to take any chances.

Elyse gets up from the bed.

Elyse: Why don't you come in. We wanted to talk to you anyway.

Mallory: Yeah, we thought something was up when you two snuck up here with that package and shut the door.

Steven: Kids, what you're about to see is strictly off limits to all of you and if you weren't mature enough I wouldn't let you see it at all.

Steven opens a drawer.

Mallory: When did you start wearing colored underwear Dad?

Steven closes the drawer.

Steven: Wrong drawer, but don't touch that stuff either.

Steven opens another drawer and takes out the gun.

Jennifer: Wow! A gun. Can I take that to school for show and tell?

Steven: Absolutely not! You're never to touch it.

Steven puts the gun back in the drawer and closes the drawer.

Elyse: We only showed it to you because we didn't want you to stumble across it by accident. We trust you enough to know that you'll leave it alone.

Mallory: I don't get it. I thought you two were against guns.

Steven: Come over here and sit down. We'll try to explain it to you.

Alex: This isn't going to require another family meeting is it?

Steven: No, no.

Steven sits on the bed and Jennifer sits in his lap.

Steven: Look, Mommy and I love you very much and we'll do whatever we have to, to make sure you're safe. We'd be a lot happier if there weren't such things as guns in the world, but we can't ignore them. If a gun will keep someone from hurting us then we'll have to make that concession.

Elyse: We still believe in everything we've always believed in. We haven't changed it's just that the world has changed. Do you understand?

Alex: Is that the biggest gun they had?

Steven: Would you prefer a flame thrower and some grenades?

Elyse: Ok now, I think we should just try to put the guns out of our minds. I mean hopefully we'll never have to take it out of the drawer. So lets just forget it's there. Ok?

Steven: Yeah.

Elyse: What do you say we go downstairs and eat?

Mallory: Yeah.

Jennifer: Great. What are we having?

Jennifer scoots out of Steven's lap.

Elyse: Hamburgers on sesame seed guns.

Mallory: Buns.

Scene 7:
Steven & Elyse's bedroom:
Steven and Elyse are lying in bed.

Steven: You know what I admire about you most Elyse?

Elyse: My charm and beauty?

Steven: Your ability to fall asleep in any situation.

Elyse: That was my next guess.

A noise is heard (something breaking).

Elyse: What was that?

Steven: I don't know.

Another noise (something being knocked over or dropped).

Jennifer and Mallory come running in.

Jennifer: Somebody's downstairs.

Steven: Stay here, I'm going down.

Steven walks over to the dresser.

Scene 8:
Livingroom:
It's dark. No lights are on.

Noise can be heard coming from the coat closet. Steven comes downstairs and runs over the closet. He leans against it.

Steven: Stop where you are!

Alex: Ah!

Steven: Come on!

Elyse comes running downstairs. She turns on the light.

Alex: Dad, open up. It's me Alex, your first born.

Steven opens the closet door.

Elyse: Alex, what are you doing here!?

Alex: I live here remember?

Elyse: You're supposed to be over at Jimmy's.

Alex: We had a big fight over social security. He was for it. I felt I couldn't compromise my principles by staying there. I dropped some things in the closet. I hope I didn't wake you.

Steven: Wake us? Alex, you scared us to death. We thought you were a prowler. If you hadn't spoken up I might have--

Holds up a tennis racket.

Alex: Challenged me to a game of tennis?

Alex walks out of the closet.

Elyse: Where is the gun Steven?

Steven: I went to get it. I opened the drawer. I even picked it up. I just couldn't do it. I guess I was just afraid that somebody would get hurt.

Elyse walks over to Steven and hugs him.

Elyse: I know and I love you for it.

Alex: So do I.

Alex puts his hand over his mouth.

Alex: Listen, this whole thing has shaken me up a little bit. So, if you don't mind I need a drink.

Alex walks over by the couch.

Steven: Yeah, I think the Scotch is, wait a minute.

Alex: Thought I could slip that one by you.

Mallory and Jennifer appear on the landing at the top of the stairs.

Mallory: Is it safe to come down now?

Steven: Yeah, yeah.

Mallory and Jennifer come down the stairs.

Steven: It's safe. It was just Alex.

Jennifer runs over to Steven.

Jennifer: Did you shoot him Dad?

Steven: No. There is going to be no shooting in this house. No guns. I'm taking it back in the morning. Right Elyse?

Elyse: Right. When you believe in something as long as we have you can't change over night.

Steven: I know. I realized that the minute I picked up the gun.

Elyse: Guns have no place in our lives. We've worn out too many pairs of sneakers trying to get people to put down guns.

Elyse sits down on the couch. Mallory is sitting in the chair next to the couch.

Mallory: Good, I have to admit I haven't felt real comfortable since we've had it in the house.

Jennifer and Alex are sitting by the fireplace.

Jennifer: Guns aren't the right image for you guys anyway. Don't you guys still believe that all you need is love?

Alex: Careful Jennifer, don't get them started.

Steven is sitting on the couch next to Elyse.

Elyse: Do you remember when we staged that anti-war sit-in on the steps of the justice department?

Mallory: Too late, they're back in the '60's.

Steven: Of course I remember. That was a great day we beat the national guard six to one in the Frisbee tournament.

Alex: I hope you're satisfied Jennifer.

Jennifer: Look on the bright side at least it's not that story about how they danced naked in the rain at Woodstock.

Elyse: Do you remember what you said to me just before they took us all away? You said, the day I pick up a weapon against another man is the day I admit defeat as a human being.

Steven: I said that?

Elyse: I think it was you. Were you wearing a plaid shirt?

Steven: Elyse.

Elyse: I'm teasing. I know it was you. I remember thinking when you said that, this guy is really deep.

Jennifer and Alex put their heads in their hands embarrassed.

Elyse: So maybe a gun isn't the right answer for us. We'll probably still be scared for a while, but I'd rather live with that fear then to live with a gun.

Steven: Me too. We'll just have to keep searching for the right thing for us.

Alex: Would you consider land lines in the front lawn?

Steven: No.

Alex: They have maps.

Mallory: How about body guards? (smiles): The captain of the football team looks real strong.

Elyse: Nice try.

Jennifer stands up.

Jennifer; I know. What about killer bees?

The End.

Transcript