“Walking on Air”
(Opening Credits)
Scene 1 – (Jennifer and Andy are seen going through the shopping bags)
(Andy pulls out a cereal Box)

Andy – I got it.

Jennifer – Quick, open it before mom gets here.

(They start tearing open the cereal box)
(Elyse enters through swinging door)

Elyse – Hey, Hey, what’s going on here?

Andy – Jennifer opened the cereal, I couldn’t stop her.

Elyse – N-Now there’s a perfectly good box of cereal in there, why do you have to open a new one?

Jennifer – To find the clue.

Elyse – What clue?

Jennifer – The clue to the “Find Colonel Crackle” contest.

Elyse – I-I don’t care about that. This is food, you just don’t waste it…what contest.

Jennifer – Mum Colonel Crackle is lost somewhere in Ohio and in every box there’s a different clue to his whereabouts. If you find him, you call the Crackle hotline and win five thousand dollars.

Elyse - …Let me see that.

(They all start fighting over the cereal box)
(Alex enters through Kitchen door)

Alex – Hey, Hey, Mom, mom, Mom!

(They all stop and look at Alex)

Alex – Don’t you think you’re a little old to be fighting over a prize in a cereal box?

Elyse – Colonel Crackle is having a contest (eats some cereal) its kinda fun.

Alex – (while getting something out of the fridge) Mom, remember who you’re talking to. I’m twenty-one years old, I’m a senior in college, I couldn’t care less about some cereal contest.

Andy – You can win five thousand dollars.

(Alex leaps over kitchen bench)
(They all start fighting over the cereal box)

Elyse – Hey, Hey, enough! (Everyone stops and looks at Elyse) now how’s this for a solution? We can all help find Colonel Crackle and then when we do find him, we’ll share the prize.

Alex – Wh-Mom you mean we got to split it four ways?

Elyse – Look pal, we only had to split it three ways till you came through the door.

(Jennifer and Andy look at him)

Alex – Alright, Alright okay, we’ll split it four ways but that’s it alright. We don’t tell anyone else about this.

(Mallory enters through pantry area)

Mallory – Hey what’s going on?

(Alex hides cereal box behind his back)

Alex – Oh nothing Mal, nothing at all, nothing at all… (points to her jumper) Hey, what’s new in the world of knitwear?

(Steven enters through Kitchen door)

Steven – Hey

Jennifer – Hey dad have you heard that Colonel Crackle is missing?

Steven – I never really got a chance to say goodbye.

Alex – Hey dad, you have no respect for Colonel Crackle at all? A-A Colonel that meats one-hundred percent of the minimum daily requirements of vitamins A through E? A Colonel that remains crunchy, even in Milk.

Steven – Exciting as that may be, I have some news from the non-cereal world that may interest you. There’s a job opening up at the station.

(Alex looks up slowly)
Alex – Oh Dad, I’m so happy. (Hugs Steven) You’re leaving public television! Oh this is a wise, wise decision.

Steven – Alex it’s not my job that’s opening.

(Alex Sighs)
Alex – (stops hugging Steven) Why do you tease me like that?

Steven – It’s an intern position, an opportunity for the right young person to work at the station and really learn the ropes.

Elyse – Well that sounds great Steven, do you have anyone in mind for the job?

Steven – As a matter of fact I do. Mallory

(Mallory drops plastic sandwich wrap she was blowing on)

Mallory – What!?

(Picks up plastic sandwich wrap)

Mallory – What did I do?

Steven – (Alex is making big hand gestures behind him which obviously mean say no) Well I think it’s a great idea, Alex worked at the station he loved it, (turns around while Alex is in the middle of a gesture) didn’t you?

Alex-…Absolutely. The finest experience I have ever had. I highly recommend it.

(Steven turns around to face Mallory again and Alex continues making “say no” gestures)

Steven – See?

(Mallory looks confused)

Scene 2 – (Nightime. Kitchen, Alex is walking around, Jennifer and Andy are sitting at the table, and cereal boxes are everywhere)

Alex – Alright, We know Crackle is out there. We know he’s somewhere in the down town Cleveland area. The question is where. Damn! Alright Jen, read that, read that last clue again.

Jennifer – “At two p.m. last Saturday, Colonel Crackle was seen in a Cleveland Café with his Cereal sister Molly Oats ‘n’ Fibre. Molly ate four containers of Strawberry yoghurt and handed Colonel Crackle a key. He fled.” This tells us nothing.

Alex – No Jen. No, No, this tells us a lot. This tells us that Crackle has a sister and that she’s health conscious.

Andy – Is Colonel Crackle a real person?

Alex – Well, Uh, not exactly Andy.

Andy – Then how’re we supposed to find him if he doesn’t exist?

Alex – Let’s not get philosophical here.

(Mallory enters through swinging door)

Mallory – Dad’s not in here is he?

Jennifer – No, he’s upstairs. I can go and get him for you –

Mallory – No! No, No. If I see him, he’s going to try and bring up that PBS thing again. He won’t take no for an answer. (Opens fridge) He’s been going at it for hours. (Grabs mayonnaise out of fridge) I haven’t even had a chance to eat yet, I’m starving.

Steven – Elyse (Mallory ducks down and rushes out the kitchen door, mayonnaise still in hand) (Steven and Elyse enter through pantry area) This is a chance Mallory shouldn’t miss, every time an opportunity like this comes up she qui- Oh come on, you guys are really making a mess with this Crackle business.

Jennifer – Come on guys, let’s go upstairs and check out the Crackle map.

Elyse – Yeah, it’s in my room.

(Steven looks at Elyse and Elyse realizes what she just said)

Alex – (Picking up boxes) Alright, let’s call Skippy. We’ll find out how he’s doing with Crackle’s dental records and his hair analysis.

(Alex, Jennifer and Andy leave. Elyse and Steven remain, Mallory is still outside door)

Steven – Elyse, I really think Mallory could benefit by working down at the station with me.

Elyse – I don’t know Steven, I was surprised you even offered her the job. I would think it was the last place she’d want to work.

Steven – Elyse I’m not blind. I realize there could be some problems with having Mallory work at the station, but I think its worth the risk (opens fridge) uh, where’s the mayonnaise?

(Mallory stands up holding Mayonnaise, looks inside then squats back down again)

Elyse – It’s in there.

Steven – (continues talking, also continues looking through the fridge) Now I realize this job doesn’t fall into what we’d normally call her area, but how do we really know what her area is? She’s at an age where she can go in a lot of different directions. Uh, I just think this could be an opportunity to grow. Where IS the mayonnaise?

(Mallory stands up again, holding mayonnaise and looking frustrated. She looks around and squats back down.)

Elyse – Well I think we have to look at it from her point of view. You know we’ve had this discussion before. Fashion is what she loves.

Steven – She may be unsure now, but uh, I think she’ll learn a lot fro this experience. M-Maybe I’m wrong but I think I have a very good sense of where Mallory is at.

(Mallory stands up and quickly looks inside. She squats back down behind door.)

Steven – What I don’t know is where the mayonnaise is.

Elyse – Ah, I’ll get another one.

(Elyse goes into pantry. Mallory sneaks back into kitchen through door and comes face to face with Elyse, who just got a jar of mayonnaise out of the pantry.)

Mallory – Mom, look! We both have mayonnaise. Dad where’s your jar.

Steven – Mallory, where did you come from?

Mallory – I came from outside. Somebody must have left this in the driveway. (Puts mayonnaise on bench) Well, there it is. Enjoy, I’ll be in my room. (Walks towards swinging door)

Steven – Wait a minute. We never finished our conversation.

Mallory – Really? I thought we had.

Elyse – Uh, I‘ll leave you two alone.

(Elyse exits through pantry area)

Steven – So, um, Mal have you given anymore thought to working at the station.

Mallory – I have dad.

Steven – And?

Mallory – I just don’t know dad.

Steven – I don’t want to pressure you at all. Whatever you decide will be fine with me.

Mallory – I just don’t know dad.

Steven – Why don’t you come down to the station for a day? Just give it a try?

Mallory – I don’t know dad.

Steven – It’s a wonderful opportunity Mal. This thing could open up a WHOLE new world for you.

Mallory – I don’t know dad.

Steven – And I’d be so proud to have you there with me. I just think you’d be terrific at this.

Mallory – I don’t know dad.

Steven – Great! (Kisses her on the cheek) Oh Mal this is going to be fabulous!

(Steven exits through swinging door.)

Mallory – I don’t know dad.

Scene 3 – (WKS station. Mallory is on the phone)

Mallory – Well ma’am according to our records you pledged one-hundred and fifty dollars during our last pledge drive (Gus enters) and we haven’t received it yet… Well, could you tell us when it might be coming?...Well then your not going to get your tote bag. (Hangs up)

Gus – Don’t worry about it Mallory. I mean, over the years we’ve found that over twenty percent of our so called patrons, just plain liars. We were running out of tote bags anyhow.

(Mallory smiles and puts her foot on the desk to tie her shoe.)

Gus – So how’s it going?

Mallory – I don’t know Gus. I mean to tell you the truth part of me is really bored being here and part of me thinks it’s a mistake and part of me is determined to do the best job I can do and well, part of me just wants to go shopping.

(Gus Chuckles)
(Steven enters)

Steven – Now there’s a beautiful sight. My oldest daughter, with her shoes on my lunch.

Mallory – Sorry dad. (Takes foot off desk)

Steven – No, no, I don’t mind a bit. It’s great to walk into my office and see your smiling face. (Kisses her on the forehead.)

Gus – Oh well what about my smiling face Steve?

Steven – Don’t you start competing with Mallory now Gus. You’re beautiful in your own way.

Gus – Aw. Keep up the good work now Mal.

Steven – “Good Work” I like the sound of that. You know he doesn’t say that to everybody.

Gus – Good work Steve.

(Gus leaves)

Steven – (To Mallory) so how’s it going? Are you enjoying yourself? Is it everything you hoped it would be?

Mallory – Well I got to talk on the phone a little. I like that.

Steven – Mallory my two greatest loves are my family and my work here at the station. Having you here brings those two worlds together. I couldn’t be happier. (Kisses her on the forehead)

Mallory – I’m Glad.

Steven – Hey come here, I got a surprise for you. Something that will make you happy and very excited.

Mallory – I don’t have to work here anymore?

(Steven starts to laugh and Mallory just smiles)

Steven – Look, look, I know you’re not completely sold on this yet, but I also know that when you’re faced with a challenge, you accept it, you can do it. You rise to the occasion.

Mallory – (smiling) not always.

Steven – (smiling) Most of the time.

Mallory – (smiling) not now.

Steven – I’ve come up with a special assignment for you. I think you’re really going to like it.

Mallory – Is it about fashion? Because I can do a great job if it’s about fashion.

Steven – Oh no, no, you already know everything about fashion. I think it’s time for you to uh, branch out and really try something different.

Mallory – Beauty tips?

Steven – No. You’re going to work with me.

(Mallory makes a funny noise)

Steven – Yeah, I want you to write some copy for a short segment of “Ohio in Review”. It’s a show about what’s going on in Ohio, from political news to human interest stories.

Mallory – I’m flattered dad, but I’ve never even seen the show.

Steven – What are you talking about? We watch it all the time. It’s on Sundays at four after “Animals, animals, everywhere animals”.

Mallory – Oh, “Ohio in Review”. I love that show.

Steven – We’re going to work on it together. You behind the scenes, me on camera. “Keatons, Keatons, everywhere Keatons”.

Scene 4 – (Living room, There is a floor – ceiling, wheelie map of Ohio in front of the fire place, Alex has a pointer stick and is pointing to the map, Jennifer and Andy are on the couch)

Alex – Alright now, (Elyse walks in from the Kitchen and goes to the table near the font door and starts working) these dots trace the Colonel’s path since he was discovered missing.

Jennifer – Can we end this soon Alex; I have a life to lead.

Alex – This is a little more important than you might think. Now the Colonel, he’s out here somewhere, in the middle of no where. And he is cold and he is hungry.

Jennifer – How can he be hungry, he’s made of cereal.

Alex – (continues) now, we know he’s definitely in the Columbus area. Uh, mom, mom, you be able to help us out on this?

Elyse – Look I have more important things. If you don’t mind, I like to work in peace.

Alex – That’s alright, s’alright. Alright Jen, read me that next clue.

Jennifer – “On the corner of the tree that cries, the sweetest birthday wins the prize. Sincerely the Colonel”. A tree that cries, hmmmm, when would a tree cry?

Andy – If he saw E.T.

Alex – A tree that cries. A tree that cries?

Elyse – Weeping Willow.

Alex – Jen, quick, look up weeping willow on the map.

Jennifer – I found it Alex. There’s a Willow street!

Andy – You’re a genius mom.

Elyse – Alright, alright I gave you a clue now do me a favour. Take this in the other room.

Alex – Aw c’mon mom. Mom don’t bail out on us now, forget this architecture stuff okay? You have a chance to win five thousand grand here.

Elyse – Alex-

Alex – Mom, okay, now the next part of the clue is sweetest birthday wins the prize, sweetest birthday wins the prize-

Elyse – Alex, please-

Alex – Sweetest birthday mom. C’mon, c’mon mom, mommy, (starts tickling her) C’mon sweetest birthday. Mom, c’mon-

Elyse – Sw-(stops tickling her) Sweet Sixteen!

Alex – Jen Quick! Ah, ah, Willow at sixteen. That’s it! We got it.

(Jennifer runs over to them)

Jennifer – Quick! Call the Crackle Hotline.

(Alex picks up the phone)

Elyse – Wh-Wh-What’s the number?

Alex – I dunno. It’s on the cereal box.

Elyse – Where’s the cereal box?

Alex – Uh, in the kitchen.

Elyse – Where’s the kitchen.

Alex – (using pointer) over there!

(Elyse, Jennifer, Andy and Alex all run into the Kitchen)

(Mallory sneaks down the stairs. Steven appears at the landing)

Steven – Mal?

(Mallory trips over)

Mallory – Yeah dad?

Steven – Where are you going?

Mallory – Nowhere. I was, I was just stretching.

Steven – (comes downstairs) we still got a lot of work to do.

Mallory – Oh good, good, I was afraid we were just going to do those nine hours.

Steven – (Sits down on couch, Mallory sits too) C’mon we’ve just scratched the surface. Now here take, uh this, take this folder. Now let’s, uh let’s look over the areas we want to cover. Now I-I know I want to touch on uh-uh Congressman Willik’s trip to the Persian Gulf. What approach do you think we should take?

Mallory – A fashion approach.

Steven – Yeah, yeah, fashion does have its place, but there are some things more important than colour co-ordination. After all, there’s a war going on.

Mallory – Dad, did you ever stop to think that maybe if the world were more colour co-ordinated there would be no more wars? After all, when colours clash, men are soon to follow.

Steven – Well, okay, you write a little, um, er, fashion perspective and I’ll see if I can fit it in the report.
(Steven goes upstairs).

(Alex enters living room and starts wheeling map)

Alex – How can there be a “Crackle Hotline” if the line is always busy? I mean what would happen if someone had an actual Crackle crisis?

Mallory – Alex I’m so glad you’re here. I’m going completely nuts working with dad at the station. It is a disaster.

Alex – (stops wheeling map) I told you so…is such an ugly phrase. Alright, give me the details.

Mallory – Alex I am so bored down there, I feel like I’ve wandered into one of dad’s documentaries. Like, like at any moment I’m going to be shot with a tranquilizer gun, tagged, weighed and shipped to a wildlife preserve.

Alex – (Looks very confused)…Well maybe you’ll turn up on “Animals, animals, everywhere animals”. Alright, Mal, look why don’t you just quit?

Mallory – I can’t do that. It means the world to dad that I’m working there. He’s so proud of me. He keeps calling Staff meetings to introduce me. I’ve meet Gus eighty times.

Alex – Alright, well look at it this way, okay? I had to go through it, now you have to go through it, I mean it’s a fact of life growing up in the Keaton household. I mean, right now Jen is working on her segment of “Ohio in Review”. So just hang with it and, and sooner or later, your basic incompetence will shine through.

Mallory – I sure hope so.

Scene 5 - (WKS station, set of "Ohio in Review", everyone present)

(Gus enters)

Elyse - Gus have you seen Mallory?

Gus - Eh yeah she's in the control rppm, she should be down here in a minute. I tell you Elyse, I'm getting a little worried.

Elyse - About Mallory?

Gus - No about me. If you and Steven keep shipping your offspring down to the station, I have a feeling I'm going to find myself out of a job.

(Elyse laughs)
(Steven walks up to them, his arm around Jennifer, Jennifer looks uncomfortable)

Steven - You know Elyse, one day this little girl is going to work at this station too.

Gus - Uh-huh, uh-huh, I'm packing my bags.

(Alex is on the "OIR" set phone and Andy is sitting on the set desk)

Alex - Uh, hello? hello operator? Yeah, I'm trying to get through to the "Crackle Hotline". But the line is always busy...Oh, oh, I, oh you're trying to call too? Oh really? Well, where do you think he is?...(fake-sounding laugh) Ahahahahaha (puts hand over the reciever) (talking to Andy) The telephone operator thinks that Colonel Crackle is under a bus in Daiton.

Alex & Andy - We're gonna be rich! (high five each other)

(Mallory enters)

Stage hand - Uh, you gotta hurry Mallory. We're going to go in about two minutes.

Mallory - Yeah, I'm ready. I just got to set this stuff up.

Steven - Hey, how's my partener?

Mallory - Fine, fine. I did everything you said. I've got all the copy right here and I put all the cassetes in the control room.

Steven - Great, gtreat. Way to go Mal!

Stage Hand - Alright Steven, I need you on stage now.

(Steven goes to sit behind desk but Alex and Andy are still sitting there on the phone)

Alex - Alright, no, no, Crackle! C-R-A-C-K-L-E. Crackle.
(Stage Hand picks up Andy and takes him off-set)
(Steven is getting ready)
Alex - No Crackle! (Stage hand taps Alex on the shoulder)
(Stage Hand goes off-set) (Alex looks frustrated and so does Steven)
(Steven sits down at desk) (Announcer and music start playing)
Announcer - "WKS proudly presents Ohio in Review"
(Steven taps Alex on the shoulder)
Alex - Colonel Crackle! C-R-A-C-K-L(Stage Hand drags Alex off-set)
(Steven looks flustered and quickly hangs up phone)

Steven - Hello and welcome. I'm the general manager of WKS, Steven Crackle.

(realizes what he just said)

Steven - That's, um, Steven "Crackle" Keaton.

Steven - Welcome to "Ohio in Review". At the top of Ohio happenings tonight, the Daiton drive-thru lion safari celebrated its fifth anniversary this week and a huge crowd was on hand to see monkeys, baboons and the like strut their stuff for children of all ages. (turns page) And congressman Jim Willik returned from his recent fact finding mission to the war-torn region of the Persian Gulf. The four-term congressman (turns page) was dressed in a lovely chiffon gown with diamonte shoulder straps by Gallanos...he was?

(Mallory runs on-set and starts shuffling the papers)

Mallory - I'm sorry dad, I must have gotten it mixed up with that, that fashion report I was working on. Here, okay go ahead. (Looks at camera) Hi mom (waves).

(Elyse can be heard off-screen whispering "I'm over here")

Mallory - (turns to the side) Oh Hi. (goes off-set)

Steven - Willik reported that the Iranian leadership repeated their demands for a cease-fire with Iraq. These included free passage through the straits of ******, an embargo on Iraqi oil products, (turns page) and a pair of slingback, open-toed heels for tomorrow night's dance...

(Mallory rushes on-set again and starts shuffling through papers)

Mallory - I'm sorry dad. (runs off)

Steven - It's okay, it's, let's roll the video tape.

(video of monkeys starts)

Steven - In national news, the president at a press conferance stated that he and other government officials were hard at work trying to cut down on defence spending. He also said-

Mallory - Dad!-

Steven - Not,not now honey. The President emphasized that the huge federal defecet, while troublesome, (shows a pack of monkeys running) was something we couldn't run away from. (shows a monkey on top of a car)The key, he said, was to try and ride it out.

Mallory - (comes on-set) Dad, I made a mistake. I think they're showing the wrong video. (goes off-set)

(Steven turns around and sees video of monkeys)

Steven - This just in "Monkeys, Monkeys, everywhere monkeys".

Mallory - Go to a commercial!

Steven - We don't have a commercial!

(Mallory comes on-set and starts shuffling through papers)
(Alex comes on-sset)

Alex - Can I just use this phone-

Steven - Alex! Please -

("Please stand by" message appears on screen)

Alex - Crackle! C-R-A-C-K-L-E!

Scene 6 - (Keaton kitchen, Steven [carrying a sleeping Andy], Elyse, Jennifer and Alex enter)

Steven - I'm going to go up to uh, to put Andy to bed. I'll check on Mallory too.

Elyse - Good idea.

Alex - I'm just going to use the phone.

(Alex starts dialling)

Jennifer - Alex, don't you think you're being a little insensitive?

Alex - Jennifer, we're talking about five-thousand dollars here.

Jennifer - Make the call.

Alex - H-! At last its ringing. Hello! Hello, I would like your complete and undivided attention. My name is Alex P. Keaton, Colonel Crackle is in downtown Columbus on the corner of Willow and-wh-...I beg your pardon?...That's impossible...Really?...I see..I see.

(Alex goes to hang up the phone, but it misses the hook and falls in the bin)
(Alex puts his hand to his mouth and looks shocked)

Jennifer - Alex, what's the matter?

Alex - Colonel Crackle was found under a bus in Daiton...by a telephone operator.

Elyse - My God, is he alright?

(Alex looks strangely at Elyse and she just shrugs)

(Steven enters through swinging door)

Steven - Mallory's door's locked, she won't come down.
(Alex puts his head down on the bench)
Steven - (pats Alex on the back) You seem to be taking this pretty hard Alex. It's okay, hey (hugs him) it's okay. The job just wasn't right for her.

Alex - The telephone operator.

Steven - ...Yeah, maybe she could do that.

Jennifer - Well mom, what should we tell Mallory about the show? Should we tell her we liked it?

Elyse - We should just tell her the truth.

Alex - Oh mom, c'mon, it was embarassing, it was humiliating, it was the dumbest thing I have ever seen,

(Elyse, Jennifer and Steven voice their agreement)

(Mallory enters through swining door)

Alex - Hey loved it Mal. That was the finest piece of tele-journalism, I have ever seen.

(Elyse, Jennifer and Steven agree)

Mallory - You're all very nice, but I know what it was. A complete disaster.

(Elyse, Jennifer, Steven and Alex agree)

(Elyse, Jennifer and Alex exit through swinging door, leaving Mallory and Steven alone in the kitchen)

Mallory - I'm so sorry dad. I mean, I swear I tried my best but I was just in way over my head and I apologize.

Steven - I thought you were doing great! If it was too much for you, why didn't you come to me? Why didn't you say so?

Mallory - Well, I'd go to work everyday and you were so happy I was there and so proud of every little thing I did and there I was going through the motions and not really knowing what I was doing, except that I was doing it for you. And I didn't want to let you down.

Steven - I think I'm the one that let you down. I pushed you into areas you didn't want to go, areas you shouldn't go. I'm sorry.

Mallory - (sitting down) I really ruined your show. I hope your ratings don't drop.

Steven - Fortunately, Mal that's completely impossible. (sits down) I love you so much honey, I just want the whole world to open up for you, to see you go and do things that, I didn't have a chance to do. I don't know, maybe every father feels that way.

Mallory - But I am doing things I want dad, and I'm doing things I'd never thought I'd do. I'm going to college, you and mom gave me that. And even though I'll never, never, ever, work at your station again, I lernt from you the value of work, but it has to be my kind of work.

Steven - (nods) Okay.

(Steven hold Mallory's hand and chuckles)

Steven - It was really nice having you down there. I loved seeing you so much.

Mallory - It was nice for me too.

Steven - Oh, so it wasn't all bad huh? Some parts you liked?

Mallory - ...Sure.

Steven - Well, oh I don't know, maybe, you know, under, under different circumstances. If uh, you know, maybe, if uh, Jennifer were down there helping you, Alex, Alex too, Andy, you know maybe if you all worked down there at the same time?

Mallory - I don't know dad.

THE END

Transcript