robyrob
03-14-2005, 01:11 AM
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Backstage in the crowded theatre there is chaos - people are rushing around moving costumes, lights and equipment in preparation for the big event that is about to start in just a few minutes. Chad is dressed up in his shocking orange tuxedo with rhinestone-covered black velvet lapels and cumberbund, looking nervous and distressed, he is pacing back and forth while practising reading his jokes off of index cards.
Chad: ...and I have a HAND-full of cous-cous! *muttering to himself* no, no, no let me try it like... I'll have to call you back Frank, I'm on fire and I've got a hand FULL of COUS-COUS!!! nope, there's STILL something wrong with that joke, and I don't know if it's my delivery or the way its written... - *shouts* HOW MUCH TIME TIL THE SHOW STARTS JACK?
Jack *popping his head out of box full of assorted stuffed animals, looks at his Scooby Doo watch*: about 15 minutes Chad - PLENTY of time *salutes and dives back into box which is pushed away by two men in coveralls*
Chad: This isn't doing any good - I've got to clear my head
*Chad looks around and sees a steel door marked "EXIT" and heads towards it, he opens the door which leads to the alley and back lot. Noticing that there is NO door handle on the outside of the door, Chad grabs a folding chair and uses it to prop open the door as he goes outside*
Chad: AHHHH - Fresh air! Just what I need *inhales deeply* although I DO detect a hint of that smog they are so well- known for here.
*Jack is seen leading a goat around backstage, when he sees the chair holding the fire door open*
Jack: Ahh - that's where my prop chair for my act went!!!
*Chad hears the door slam shut behind him, he lunges for the door and starts pounding on it, yelling to be let in*
Chad: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Let ME IN!! - HOST LOCKED OUTSIDE!!! HELLOOOOOO!!!!
*Chad gives up, turns around and starts walking towards empty lot across alley* I SWEAR that this is the last time I host these awards, I need to branch out and spread my wings, see the world, save my damsels in distress....
*a long black limosine comes flying down the alley and screeches to a halt, three tall men wearing black tuxedos and dark sunglasses jump out of it, grab Chad from behind and wordlessly stuff him into the back of the limosine, which then speeds off*
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Overhead shot of auditorium shows red carpet surrounded by throngs of fans, a line of limos, cameras and their respective crews milling about. The booming voice of the announcer comes on
Announcer:
(brief synopsis delivered through the announcer's opening)
"....live from the Paul Lynde Civic Auditorium, in Merv Griffin's back yard in beautiful downtown Hollywood - it's the Third Annual Happy Days Board Awards Starring: the Happy Days Board...
With musical guests: Tony Bennett, Pat Boone, Burt Bacharach, Neil Diamond, Chad Doody, Hilary Duff, Robert Goulet, Tom Jones, Michael McKean, Barry Manilow, Wayne Newton, Anson Williams,
and Special Guest Stars: Scott Baio, Crystal Bernard, Wilford Brimley, Ron Howard, David L Lander, Michael McKeon, Ted McGinley, Dennis Mandel, Penny Marshall, Alyssa Milano, Erin Moran, Mork from Ork, Pat Morita, Donny Most, Gavin O'Herlihy, Linda Purl, Suzi Quatro, Randolph Roberts, Marion Ross, Some Guy in a Bear Suit, Billy Warlock, Anson Williams, Cindy Williams, Henry Winkler and also Special Guest Starring Tom Bosley
The votes for tonight's awards have been tabulated by the accounting firm of Dewey, Cheatem and Howe. And Now... we take you LIVE! to Rurry and Ashlee on the red carpet for some preshow interviews.
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*Ashlee and Rurry are standing beside the red carpet outside the theatre as guests are coming up the red carpet amidst hundreds of cheering and waving fans held back by only the velvet ropes.*
Ashlee: Well it looks like we'll have a GREAT turnout tonight Joe, we've already seen quiet a number of famous faces go in but let's see if we can catch some more stars.
Rurry: Hey! - there's Tom Bosley and Marion Ross
*Ashlee and Rurry run over to the stars and block their path to the entrance*
Ashlee: And here we have the Cunninghams themselves - Are you guys excited about the show?
Tom Bosley: Well, I will be a lot more excited if they actually let us in this year.
Marion Ross: Watch you blood pressure Tom, you got pretty excited about what happened last year.
Rurry: I can assure you that you no stars will be turned away this year - I have been informed that Jack is not allowed anywhere NEAR the door!
Tom Bosley: Well alright, but I'd really feel a lot better about it if we could just get inside - I want to make sure we get a good table too.
Ashlee: Oh, all of the seating is pre-arranged - I think that you are seated with Pauley Shore and Carrot Top.
TB (to MR): What is a "Carrot Top"? I think my ulcer is starting to act up again. *winces*
MR: Come along then Tom, we'll get you some milk inside.
Rurry: Look - there's Tom Poston's limosine pulling up - I hear that he wont talk to ANY interviewers.
Ashlee: I can handle this! *runs over to Tom Poston's limo and pulls chauffeur out of car*
Ashlee (talking to Tom Poston while driving his car off): so this is a nice car - I like that new show of yours. You're a real clown.
Tom Poston: Thanks. You don't have your license yet do you?
Ashlee: *grinds gears loudly* did you say that you own this car or is it a rental?
Tom Poston: Am I being kidnapped?
Ashlee: No! you're fine, this is all a dream - just tell mommy where it hurts.
Tom Poston: I knew that I should've stayed home and worked on my bubblegum collection.
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*inside the theatre it is dark - the sound of a needle being dropped on a record is followed by spotlights on the stage coming on to the opening drumsnares and Wayne Newton 's voice as he performs "Rock Around the Clock"*
*backstage*
Roby: Where the heck is Chad?
Monica: no one has seen him in about 15 minutes, but we are looking - I checked his dressing room, he is NOT in there.
efd: Jack said he saw him earlier - I'll go find him and spread the word to find Chad. *runs off*
Roby: TF and KC - can you check all the dressing-rooms again and take a look outside the building - just keep it QUIET.
TF: no problem, the TF Action News Weather Team is ready to roll - we're on it, oh and I can call back in with any developments on the potential impact of an offshore low pressure system moving this way...
Roby: err, ah OK, yah, keep us informed...
Monica: should we send Leonard Nimoy In Search Of....?
*TF and KC run off*
Roby: the song's almost over, what are we gonna do now?
Monica *looks at clipboard*: Well the good news is that we had the foresight to have an understudy for him.
Roby: OK, no need for panic then, just get the understudy to fill-in for a few minutes until we can find Chad. We can still pull this off without anyone even knowing that there's anything wrong.
Monica: You DO realize that Chad's understudy is Jack don't you?
Roby: I think that we are going to have a VEDDY interesting show tonight - go get Jack ready to go on.
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*Jack comes out on the stage wearing a neon, LED and rhinestone covered tuxedo that would put Elton John, Liberace and the Goodyear blimp to shame*
Jack: Wayne Newton everybody! Give it up for Wayne Newton! Thank you Wayne Newton and his backup band the Fig Newtons!
*tons of applause from audience*
Jack: Be sure to stop at the refreshment table backstage Wayne, I put some more Fig Newtons back there for you! All-righty then, lets get on with the show, I'd like to thank you all for being here, its so nice to everyone's smiling happy faces and such schnazzy fancy clothes, although most of yours dont have the WATTAGE that MY suit does!
*chuckles from audience*
Jack:I see a lot of familiar faces out there - Clint "Moose" Howard, "Laverne and Shirley"'s Eddie Mecca, Penny Marshall and Cindy Williams, of course Lenny and Squiggy and Danny Butch and some good friends of the Happy Days board right here up front; Little Insomniac-Kate, JPNoyes, Pzelda-Alison and NightHawk-Sonny all sitting around a table, it kinda reminds me of the story about when I took up painting, and my GREATEST masterpiece, why I have it right here, lemme just get it
*runs offstage and brings out a large canvas painting*
Jack: its called Zombies Playing Poker - see this one has a pair of nines, this one is playing the five of diamonds, and this guy over here he don't like that and he says "UHNN!! UHNN!! UHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!...."
Roby's voice over PA system: "JACK! - get on with it, I will use the hook if I have to!"
*efd appears at the side of the stage with a ridiculously oversized hook*
Jack: Alrighty then, without any further ado, or any Mountain Dew, here are Pat with Happy Days' Arnold - Noriyuki "Pat" Morita and "Big Al" AL Molinaro to present the award for Funnest Board Member!
Pat: the Happy Days board is all about FUN, and remembering one of America's all-time favorite shows
Al: and to start off the awards we are honoring the member that creates the most FUN!
Pat Morita: and the nominee's are
Pat: Ashlee...
Al: Chad...
Pat Morita: Crystal....
Pat: Jack...
Pat Morita: Roby...
Al: TF...
Pat Morita: I hope that's all of them, we only have a couple of hours to do this show and I have a cake in the oven.
*near silence from the audience*
Pat Morita: Its like a plumbers convention in here - i brought all the wrong jokes. BWA-HA-HA-HA
Al: and the winner is...
Pat: Its a tie - Chad and Roby!
*roby runs out to the podium, still carrying his clipboard and looking nervous*
Roby: gee, I mean, er thanks guys - ummmm Chad is still having errrrr, "technical difficulties" with his tuxedo, so I'd like to accept this award for the both of us and put it in a special place on Chad's mantle...which still resides in my bathroom. This award symbolizes what is great about our board - good people, good food and good fun with a fair dose of craziness - Thank you all.
Jack: all right, congratulations guys, now lets bring out the lovely Robert Goulet!!!!
Robert Goulet: I found my thrill on Blueberry Hill
On Blueberry Hill when I found you
The moon stood still on Blueberry Hill
And lingered until my dreams came true....
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*backstage the hunt for the host goes on, Roby is shouting instructions that are making less and less sense, and chaos builds at an alarming rate*
Roby: ...whaddaya mean "can't find him"? - don't you know who I am!!?!? I AM THE GUY HOLDING THIS CLIPBOARD!!!
efd: And a fine clipboard it is too!
Monica: As the holder of a second, slightly smaller and apparently somewhat less important clipboard, may I remind you that SHOUTING DOES NOT HELP!
Roby: OK OK, I'm sorry, its the stress man - where's my jelly beans? ...OK So What have we found out?
efd: Absolutely nothing, but TF is ready to patch in through video cellphone to let us know whats going on and get Chad on as soon as possible.
*Katie comes backstage with her date Howard Hesseman, both dressed up in matching trenchcoat and fedoras*
Roby: What the heck is this? Columbo Katie?
Katie: Well, as they say, I always get my man.
*Howard Hesseman grins sheepishly and blushes*
Roby: well, ok whatever works for you then - the story is, Chad has basically disappeared into thin air. No one has seen him since about fifteen minutes before the show.
Katie: OK, don't worry, I am on it.
Roby: OK, Just one question though - you showed up in a lovely evening gown, where did you get the trenchcoat?
Katie: I always carry a spare trenchcoat in case of an emergency. Same reason that you always carry that rubber chicken.
*Katie and Howard Hesseman go off on the hunt for Chad*
Roby (to Monica): so what DO you have on that clipboard of yours?
Monica: Oh, just everyone's signatures on a waiver so they can't sue us if their appearance on this show destroys their careers.
Roby: Ah, I apologize - yours obviously IS much more important than mine.
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*back onstage Robert Goulet finishes his song with a flourish*
Robert Goulet: Thank you, thank you all, you are too kind - I can tell that this evening is going to go off with a big bang!
Jack: Alright!! Thank you Robert Goulet!
*they salute each other as Robert Goulet goes offstage*
Jack: Now for one of MY favorite categories, the Best Parody Award so lets bring out our presenters. Currently starring as "Earl the Jacuzzi Salesman" in an off-off-Broadway production of Shakespeare Under the Stars - Wayne and currently appearing together in AOL and Glad commercials, Tom Bosley and Marion Ross - otherwise known as Mr and Mrs C!
Wayne: Thanks Jack, ....I think.Lets get right to it then - the nominees for the best parody on the Happy Days board are:
Tom Bosley: Chad - "We Are The Board"
Marion Ross: Jack - "Cheese"
Wayne: Jack "Snow Miser/Heat Miser Song"
Tom Bosley: Jack - "Toss Her a Salad"
Marion Ross: and the winner is....
Wayne: Chad - "We Are The Board"
*audience applauds as various clips from last year's awards are shown on the big screen above the stage*
Wayne: And now to accept his award, lets bring out Chad Doody!
*Jack is seen leading a goat to a lone wooden chair sitting at centerstage*
Wayne: What the...?
Jack: My trained goat - Chadoodie will now do her trick!
*the goat begins to eat the wooden chair, bite by bite chewing it down until it is completely gone. Jack dances around clapping his hands, obviously delighted*
Wayne: Umm Jack....
Jack: Didja see it? Didja HUH, Didjha? Didja SEE it???!?!
Wayne: You didn't kill Chad did you Jack?
Jack: Only in spirit Wayne; I don't think he could stomache all those songs about food - now please move along - people are staring....
*Wayne and the other presenters leave the stage*
Jack: And now to present the award for the Best Prank lets bring out Crystal Bernard and someone that is the object of many pranks himself, Beaverfan!
*audience applauds as BF and Crystal Bernard come on stage*
BF: What exactly do you mean Jack?
Jack: Well... there was the time that I sold your bike on eBay and then the time I signed you up for the "Meat of the Week" club!
BF: YOU sold my bike? I loved that bike - I worked for MONTHS delivering papers and collecting bottles and cans to save up for that bike!!
Jack: Well, yes I did, but I used the money for the "Meat of the Week" thing.
BF: Ooooh, well all is forgiven then - 'cuz I LOVED that!!!
Crystal Bernard: Can we get on with the award now?
BF: Oh, sorry lady - who are you anyways?
CB: I played KC Cunningham on Happy Days and Helen on Wings.
BF: Oh. Do you like pot-roast?
CB: *shoots strange look at BF* ....and the nominees are
BF: Chad getting Lucas to change his user name to "Rainbow Rooster"
CB: Chad and Ravey getting MG to put the "RDA/Larry Hagman Blend" in her signature...
BF: Chad and Roby's resurrection of the HD movie thread
CB: and the winner is.... man you guys are weird...
BF: Chad's "Rainbow Rooster" prank! - come on up here Lucas, after what you went through you probably deserve to accept this award
Lucas: Thank you for this award, it is with great humility that I say that it takes a big man to admit that "you guys got me fair and square", and well WATCH YOUR BACKS!!!!!
Jack: Thank you Lucas, here - have a Lifesaver. And now we'd like to bring out Robin Williams to share with us some memories of Happy Days... and please notice that I did say that we'd LIKE to bring out Robin Williams, but he isn't here so lets bring out Wilford Brimley!
*Wilford Brimley comes out dressed up in a red spacesuit as Mork from Ork and sits down on a stool placed at centerstage*
WB: I'd like to have a few words with you good folks about discount medical supplies, Now I know what you are thinking when I say that...
Jack: what I'm thinkin' is you're CRAZY....
WB: SHUT-UP!! I have some things to say, and I won't be interrupted again until I've said my peace, now where was I....
Jack: well you were apparently in the middle of a commercial for Liberly Medical - but thats not where you are SUPPOSED to be!
WB: Oh, well then let me tell you about OATS. You see, oatmeal is good for you - it's ruffage, it helps keep you regular.
Jack: thats funny - you don't seem like a "regular" type of guy to me
WB: SHUT-UP!! And another thing about OATS is, they taste like CARDBOARD.
Jack: O......K..... are you gonna talk about Happy Days now?
WB: Nope, I'm done.
Jack: Ummmm......
WB: Where's my HORSE?
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Jack: For our next award, the Most Ridiculous Name Change, along with our own Taylor I'd like to introduce a very special presenter - its "Flippper" !!!
*tons of applause from the shocked audience as Taylor comes out with Billy Warlock*
Billy Warlock: Will you cut it out - I am NOT Flipper!
Taylor: Nah - yer cuter!
Jack: I don't know - that Flipper was a pretty good-lookin' fish!
BW: OK, look for one thing, my character on Happy Days was named "Flip" not "Flipper", and Flipper was a DOLPHIN, which is a mammal, NOT a fish!
Jack: OK whatever, enough with the history lesson or I'll introduce you to my sardine sandwich.
Taylor: *laughing* OK, now to get on with something ELSE that's ridiculos, the nominees are:
BW: Chad - "Matt Camden"...
Taylor: Chad/TF/Jack/Lucas - "the Juke 'N Jives".....
BW: Kelsey - Zodiac P.I....
Taylor: Lucas - "Rainbow Rooster"....
BW: And the Winner is....
Taylor: LUCAS - the Rainbow Rooster !
*Lucas runs up on stage to accept the award*
Lucas: Thank you everyone - it feels so good to be honored, even if it IS by a bunch of jerks... just kidding!
Jack: thank you Lucas, now please accept these Lovely Parting gifts and the Home Edition of our game.
*Taylor and Billy Warlock lead Lucas offstage*
Jack: wow that was great - what the HECK is a Rainbow Rooster anyways? *shrug* Well I may just have to ask our next act, Neil Diamond!
*Neil Diamond comes out and sings "It's Late"*
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*Chad is seen in the back of the limo sitting next to a monstrously large and ugly guy in a black tuxedo*
Chad: hey - you seem like a fun guy, care for a game of rock, paper scissors?
*ugly guy just stares at Chad silently*
Chad: ok... lets talk about girls then?
*the door opens and Robert Goulet sits down across from Chad*
Chad: Hey its Robert Goulet! Wow!
Robert Goulet: Don't play smart with me - I think we both know why you're here.
Chad: To hang out and watch the Awards show in your cool limo?
RG: No - as my longtime archenemy, I am going to destroy you Mr Tom Jones. First I am going to beat you at your own game, then I am going to hurt your manhood, then I am going to take away that which you hold so dear. And then I might even Sign you up for a bunch of junk mail.
Chad: Hey, no offense - but I REALLY don't wanna play Twister with you man. And besides I appreciate the compliment but I'm not Tom Jones - although I have been told that I look just like him. Oh and I LIKE junk mail, because it makes me feel important.
RG: SILENCE!! We are going to play a game... your game, in fact, but the stakes will be quite high I'm afraid. We shall play Baccarat, and for each hand you lose, my extremely large associate Milt will hit you in your man-parts. Your only chance is if you can beat me, and I must warn you that I am an EXCELLENT player.
Chad: Hokay, but I'd rather play "Go Fish"
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Jack: The legendary Neil Diamond everyone! And now to present the Creativity Award for the Most Creative Member, here are the Great Pretender - Monica and Anson "Potsie" Williams!
*Monica and Anson Williams come out to the podium together*
Monica: Creativity is what makes this board so exciting, and keeps the fun coming!
Anson Williams: And the nominees for this years award are...
Monica: Chad ...
AW: Katie...
Monica: Jack...
AW: and Robyrob....
Monica: and the winner is...
AW: Gee I'm so excited - do I have time to floss?
Monica: Chad Doody !!
*audience applauds as various clips of Chad dooing random exciting things are shown on the big screen*
Jack: I believe we have a direct satellite hook-up with Chad to accept his award
TF: This is TF Storm reporting to you LIVE! from the Sitcom's Online weather-copter, we have VERY EXCITING NEWS on the low pressure system developing just offshore and moving rapidly towards our present location. We are calling this system Tropical Breeze Melvin and it is expected to hit us with its full force of gusts up to 15 miles per hour! This particular storm track is very interesting, it vould potentially mean a temperature drop of 4 to 5 degrees. We will continue to monitor this exciting phenomenon to the full extent of our resources.
Jack: - and what about Chad, do you have any news on the whereabouts of Chad?
TF: ummmm, nope I do not recall seeing Chad in any of the NWS alerts....
Jack: OK, well thank you TF - seeing as Chad isn't here to accept his award, it is with great reverence that I take the responsibility of accepting this award for him and I have a special place that I will keep it safe for him - on the top shelf of my refridgerator. *bows*
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*backstage, Roby, efd and Monica are going over the show's schedule*
Roby: OK - chad's song is up next, and he is obviously NOT here to do it.... any suggestions?
efd: We could have a live human sacrifice - I hear Jack's not busy...
Monica: we could bump up someone else's performance, or have someone else sing his song in his place....
Roby: if we only had someone else who could sing....
*Monica stands on her tiptoes and beams*
efd: hey - who is that over there? *points to janitor mopping floor*
Roby: why thats...no... it couldn't be...
*Roby and efd go over to the janitor as Monica pouts*
efd: Say, aren't you Pat Harrington from One Day at a Time?
Pat Harrington: No, I am Pat Harrington from Harry's Cleaners.
Roby: but you WERE on One Day at a Time right?
PH: Well yes, I was - but that was a long time ago.
efd: so what are you doing here playing a janitor?
PH: Look, I keep telling you guys, I'm not 'playing the janitor', I AM the janitor.
Roby: Look, we are REALLY in a bind, would you mind helping us out?
PH: Well, all right, what can I do for you boys?
Roby: Do you know the words to "Oh Venus"?
PH: Of course - its one of my staples in the serenades of seduction.
efd: ahh - and do you have any more advice on how to pick up chicks?
PH: Well, the ladies don't call me "Super" for nothing - let me impart a few words of wisdom to you. Treat each woman like they are the only thing in the entire world that matters. And when life gives you a bowl of cherries, after you eat them all you've got is a bowl of pits.
*Roby leads Pat Harrington to the stage to go on in Chad's place*
Jack: and now, here to sing for us...
*Roby pushes Pat Harrington onto stage, right into Jack*
Jack: Schneider the Super? And his mop?
*Pat Harrington aka "Schneider" the janitor sings "Oh Venus" to his mop*
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Jack: Well, that was just "Super" Mr Harrington - now get backstage , for a clean-up in dressing room 9!
Jack: Our next presenters are some longtime Happy Days Board members - Animal Crackers and Fonz-A-Mundo with Erin Moran!
*applause as the three women come up to the podium*
Jack: You know Erin, there has been a longstanding thread on the board asking you to come post on our little board - what do you say?
Erin Moran: Ummm..... you guys are obsessed to a very alarming degree?
Jack: Yes, but will you come chat with us?
EM: Lets just give out the award now, please?
Animal Crackers: and the nominees for the Best Random Thread Name are...
Fonz-A-Mundo: Ashlee- "The mystical planet of robotic porcupines and bobbleheaded dogs"
EM: BF - "BF's Bratwurst Hot Tub"
Animal Crackers: efd- "Tossed Salad And Laxative Party Thread"
Fonz-A-Mundo: Jack- "Arte Johnson's House of PLants he pops out of saying "Verry interresting" in a German"
EM: Jack- "Roman Moroni's House of Fargin' Good Baked Beans"
Animal Crackers: And the winner is....
Fonz-A-Mundo: "Arte Johnson's House of PLants he pops out of saying "Verry interresting" in a German"
*Jack runs around in circles on the stage stage waving his arms in the air, pumping his fists and shouting "YES", he finally makes it to the microphone at the podium*
Jack: I have but one thing to say.... Suck it Trebek!
FAM: I really don't know what to say, but congratulations anyways Jack....
AC: In the "Dark Ages" (the late 80's) it just wasn't cool to like Happy Days anymore, but the us old timers stuck to it, because we knew where the true source of cool came from.
Jack: That's right Animal Crackers.... it came from our own Charkony Labs!! And now with a Special Behind-the-scenes report, is our own Pat!
*on the big screen we see Pat in what appears to be a laboratory*
Pat: Thanks Jack, the story of "Charkony Labs" is very special - up until now it has all been very TOP SECRET - but lets take a brief look at how HD fans are "made" - with a machine that amplifies Anson Williams' brain waves!
Animal Crackers: it looks like an old touch-tone phone duct-taped to a toaster...
pat: well we DID recycle it from the plutonium-powered 'Dialing for Toast' project, remember - 'let your fingers do the dialing for the Toast of the Future'"
Jack: YES!!!
Animal Crackers: is that IT??!? - I can't believe you guys made me do this....
Pat: well most of what we do here is still HIGHLY CLASSIFIED!! Other projects I CAN tell you about include: a squirrrel trap that plays "Seasons in the Sun" at supersonic frequencies, efd's girl trap that play's barry manilow's "I write the songs" at supersonic frequencies (we DONT know how it works, but it gives him confidence anyways), Jack's sandwich bombs - egg salad of course...
Jack: thats enough Pat, really thank you...
Pat: I can assure you that the Happy Days trivia games will return VERY SOON!!!
Jack:"That was riveting, Pat. Now can someone please tell me what the difference is between astral projection and szechuan cooking?"
Animal Crackers: I am SO out of here...
Jack: Alll right then, lets bring out our next musical guest... Barry Manilow!
*Barry Manilow sings "Shaboom Shaboom"*
*************************************************************
Jack for our next presenter we need to take a little detour, because she is very busy helping out in the kitchen making all those delightful brownies you folks are enjoying!
*Jack takes us backstage and through the kitchen to get Zoie*
Jack: Here we see the zany Zoie, also known as Zuzzy, zazzing up some zuper znacks!
*Zuzzy is in the kitchen, standing on top of a chair, cracking her whip over her army of poorly-trained AEtheldreds, who are busily making brownies*
Zoie: Hello.
Jack: Well, are you guys ready to present the award for the Wackiest Board Member?
Zoie: obsoskewtidly! ffzarjklaard!
Jack: huh?
Zoie: Ætheldred!! Shtansda!!
*two of the kitchen helpers break away from what they are doing*
Jack: Its Eugene and Melvin Belvin!!!
Zoie: NO! it is my servants Ætheldred and Shtansda
Eugene: well, actually I'm Dennis Mandel and this is
Melvin: Scott Bernstein
*they both salute with wooden cooking spoons in their hands - spraying flour and pastry everywhere*
Zoie: SILENCE MORTALS!!! *cracks whip* you shall not speak until ordered!!!
*they both drop their heads in shame*
Jack: well now that you have the "help" under control, can we hear who the nominees are?
Zoie: Of course... *cracks whip at Eugene*
Eugene: Bea...
Melvin: efd...
Eugene: Jack...
Melvin: Roby...
Eugene: and the winner is
Zoie: its a tie - Jack and Roby!!!
Jack: This is great!! Two YEARS RUNNING!!! I am the KING of ZING!! woohoo!!
*takes out rubber fish and swings it around over his head*
Jack: And I would like to present Zoie with the award for the most incomprehensible buzzwords: "shtansda" and "ætheldred" - here is the bronze cupcake!
Zoie: this looks like a baby's shoe that has been bronzed...
Jack: Yeah I was a cute little devil back then...AND NOW our very own Lucas will perform a song with his idol.....
*Lucas comes onstage and does "Bye Bye Love" with Bob Dylan*
Jack: Thanks you both for that rousing rendition of "Innagaddadavida Baby" and now for the award for the Most Obsessed Board Member - AKA the "Stalkie", lets bring out efd with James Dean and Linda Purl!!
monica (backstage): hasn't James Dean been dead for like twenty years?
roby: yeah, its AMAZING what we can do with computers these days!
*efd, James Dean and Linda Purl come up to the podium*
efd: on a message board like this, you always get a few weirdos, and some of them have some pretty strange obsessions, WE have:
James Dean: Jack - parodies
Linda Purl: Kelsey - Potsie
efd: MG - Clay
JD: TF - weather
LP: and the winner is...
efd: TF!! - so lets hear from TF once again...
TF: I'd like to thank everyone for recognizing how important my work is to me - thank you all.
efd: can you give us any updates on the whereabouts of Chad?
TF: actually we have much more exciting news about Tropical Breeze Melvin, lets hear from our girl on the street - Stormtracker KC!
KC: Thank you TF - this low pressure system is moving in even more rapidly than we even imagined, the temperature just keeps dropping - its down to a mercury-chilling 68 degrees, and those winds are just not stopping. This should continue for the forseeable future, with a split flow developing in the next 3 hour period. The latest charts from the National Weather Service show a pattern of isobars meeting...
Jack: That reminds of a great joke - a Muslim, a Priest and a Rabbi walk into an isobar one day...
KC: look, this is fairly serious business here!
Jack: I'm sorry - are you guys done?
KC: Yes. From just outside the awards theatre I'm Stormtracker KC saying keep warm and stay tuned for more updates!
*cuts away to inside camera*
Jack: lets bring out the wonderfully terrific Mr Tony Bennett...
*Tony Bennett sings "Put Your Head on My Shoulder"*
*************************************************************
Jack: Thank you Mr Bennett - you are a boon to mankind, I am gonna name ALL of my children after you. And now, to announce the award for the Nicest Board Member - Two exceptionally nice people themselves, Angela/Lola Dane... and here comes Ted McGinley, still holding the ball from the big game - what an athlete folks!
Angela: Thanks for the great intro Jack
Ted McGinley: Here, hold my ball kid
Jack: I think you're great on Hope and Faith!
TM: OK OK - I'll sign the ball for you...
Angela: well if you two are finished, lets announce the nominees...
TM: Chad...
Angela: Erin...
TM: Katie...
Angela: KC...
TM: Jack...
Angela: TF...
TM: Yoli... I hope that's all of them
Angela: and the winner is
TM: its a TIE! Erin and Katie!!!!
*Erin and Katie come up to the podium together*
Erin: Thank you everyone - with a board like this, there are so many nice people, it means so much to be up here right now.
Katie: Its nice to be recognized for such a simple thing that goes so far to making this the special place that it is. Thank you.
Jack (to Erin and Katie) - ok... ok... OK, you two can continue to fight over this award backstage, remember- NO HAIR PULLING... unless I am notified of course!
*Erin and Katie leave the stagte holding the award together*
Jack: and now we have a very special treat for our audience.... ME!!
*the stagelights are toned down and a spotlight comes on Jack as he starts to sing*
What if the Purple People Eater was a pimp?
*the Jack Wilson Dancers come out behind Jack dressed up as purple pimps*
Well I saw the thing drivin’ down the street In a purple car , it had one big eye
The car started bouncin’ and he had bling bling It looks like pimpin’ people eater to me
It was a one-eyed, one-horned pimpin’ purple people eater
(One-eyed, one-horned, fpimpin' purple people eater)
A one-eyed, one-horned, fpimpin’' purple people eater
Sure looks strange to me (One horn)
Well he came down to earth and with a posse It was him and the Witch Doctor before me
His martian friends well they sure looked tough Said "I’ll bust a cap in your big old butt"
It was a one-eyed, one-horned pimpin’ purple people eater
(One-eyed, one-horned, fpimpin' purple people eater)
A one-eyed, one-horned, fpimpin’' purple people eater
Sure looks strange to me (One horn)
Thim and his posse sure looked fine They had bling blings and the fromed a line
He said why he came to land, he said "I Wanna bust a cap in a random guy’s butt"
Well bless my soul, cap-bustin’ pimpin’ purple people eater
Bling-bling clad, posse-leader, pimpin’ purple people eater
(We wear bling bling)
Pimpin’ purple people eater Started getting crunk
And then he screamed and was getting’ crunk
His posse joined in and they all break danced
The martians sracthed on the turntables
Sing a chick- chicka-chicka chick a beat boix boom
Well bless my soul, cap-bustin’ pimpin’ purple people eater
Bling-bling clad, posse-leader, pimpin’ purple people eater
I like bling bling
Pimpin’ purple people eater
Started getting crunk
Then he drove off and then what do you know
I saw him last night on Pimp My Ride
He scared everyone with his posse and
Played some kinda rap with the horn in his head
*Jack plays Clarinet Solo while scratching turntables*
Chik-chikka!!
*************************************************************
Jack: Thank you so very much!! Now presenting the award for Best Overall/Non-Chat Thread - Rurry and Alyssa Milano!!
*Rurry and Alyssa come up to the podium*
Jack: Vavavoom!
Rurry: actually there's been a slight change in plans, we are actually presenting the award for the Best Kiss!
Alyssa: ummmm, no one told me about this
Rurry: Yeah well, it was on a need to know basis, and the only thing that you need to know is that it is a TRADITION for the presenters to share a romantic KISS before they present the award
Alyssa: well... OK, if you are SURE that it is a tradition
*Rurry and Alyssa kiss*
Rurry (obviously stunned): ok umm the nominees are.... *pulls out napkin from pocket* Chad and Hilary Duff's picture, TF and Hilary Duff's picture, Barry 'Greg Brady' Williams and Florence 'Carol Brady' Henderson, Henry Winkler (the Fonz) and Marion Ross (Mrs C)
Alyssa: and the winners are... *turns over envelope* its Jack and Hilary Duff ???
*the curtains open up behind them to reveal Jack making out with Hilary Duff*
Jack: WOOHOOO!!!
HD: I don't know, there's just something I can't resist about a man in neon
Alyssa Milano: OK this is a total rip-off, I should have won!
Rurry: What do you mean?
Alyssa: well.... *she unzips costume to reveal Abe Vigoda*
Rurry: but...but... but...
Jack: Hey wow - Neato!
Abe Vigoda: Yeah its me - and I should've won the Best Kiss award for my performance on last year's TVLand Awards!!
Jack Allright - point well taken. So do you dress up as HOT young girls often?
AV: No, you don't understand, I AM Alyssa Milano - my agent suggested that I take my career in a new direction, and I wanted to REALLY challenge myself.
Rurry: but all those bikini-magazine layouts??!?!
AV: Yeah - its AMAZING what they can do with airbrushing these days.
Jack: Well I'll be darned, anyways for the Best Overall Thread, the nominees are:
Rurry: Jane, Stop This Crazy Thread!
AV: Boardstock
Hilary Duff: the Charkony Christmas Parade
Jack: the Happy Days Wrong Answer Game
Rurry: and the winner is - Jane, Stop This Crazy Thread!
Jack: I dont even know who started it, but that was definately one of our finest moments here. And Now - Let's Do the Fonzie, with Suzi Quatro and Hilary Duff!!
*Hilary Duff and Suzi Quatro perform "Do the Fonzie"*
*************************************************************
Jack: Thank you ladies, moving along now, this next award was going to have a special guest presenter, Solomon... however, he couldn't be here tonight because he decided to stay home and watch a very special episode of "That's My Mama" he received in a trade, but he does send us his ingenuos compliments on our lack of a first-rate airconditioning system and hot women that want to go out with him and then come home with him to fetch him his slippers.. And as such, returning to us after going into semi retirement as a professional mambo instructor, Erin "Blue Eyes" with Some Guy in a Bear Suit (Bob Newhart) to present the Award for the Best Name change
*Erin and Some Guy in a Bear Suit come to the podium*
Erin: A lot of names have changed over the years - some will be remembered, some we wish to forget *looks to Lucas trying to hide behind his date*
SGiaBS: the nominees for this years Best Name Change are...
Erin: Chad/TF/Jack/Lucas for the "the Juke 'N Jives"
SGiaBS: Lucas -"The Modfather"
Erin: Monica - "TheGreatPretender"
SGiaBS: Rurry - "RurryJoeMicelli"
Erin: and the winner is
SGiaBS: Lucas -"The Modfather" !!!
*Lucas comes up to accept the award*
Lucas: well, at least I have finally redeemed myself in your eyes - thanks guys!
Jack: *pats Lucas on back* good job man - we know you're still a rooster at heart. And now Pat Boone!!
*Pat Boone sings "You Ain't nuthin but a Hound Dog"*
*************************************************************
Roby (backstage): still no word from Chad? where is everyone? has ANYONE found ANYTHING??!
efd: nope - here, have a LifeSaver.
Roby: That won't help - you know I'm a jelly-bean man!!I can't believe this is all happening - why me?
efd: Look around - do you really thing any of this was "supposed" to turn out this way - i can see several laws that have been broken, including several laws of nature. The bottom line is that the show is going along fine.
Roby: OH all right - hey here's Katie, she won't let me down.
Katie: nothing to report - didn't find a thing.
Roby: You just went into a closet to make out with your date dintcha?"
Katie: Ummmm, errr ahhh say do you like Bagels? Cause I like bagels, but they really hurt my lumbago....*mumbles incoherently*
Roby: PLEASE get out there and find me a Chad
Katie: Oh alright then FINE! But I have an award to present first *storms off*
*************************************************************
Jack: - Thank you Pat Boone - keep it real man, or at least a reasonable facsimile thereof. I'd like to take this opportunity to plug my new Variety Show - a new episode should be up next week, with special Guest Stars Adam West and Burt Ward!!! Now I'll bring out a good friend of mine with a great comedy duo to give out the Dynamic Duo Award for Best Comedy Team!!!
*Katie comes out with Michael McKeon as Lenny and David L Lander as Squiggy*
Katie, Michael McKeon, and David Lander (in unison): Hell-o
Katie(to Michael McKeon): my you are looking pretty debonnaire this evening
David Lander: Yeah well, I would've worn my tuxedo, but my polo pony ate it.
Katie: Not you.
Michael McKeon: Yeah, not you Squiggy, the Lady is talkin' to me
Katie: yes well, that said, lets move on to the nominees....
DL: Chad & TF
MM: Chad & Jack
Katie: TF & efd
DL & MM: and the Best Comedy team is...
Katie: Chad & TF!!! and I belive that this makes a three-peat!! We will let TF accept his award during his next update - which hopefully will have some news of Chad...
Jack: thank you Lenny, Squiggy and Katie!!! And now lets bring out a very different act, which he tells me that he has never actually done successfully!!!! - Its Roby in attempt to juggle three small chainsaws while tapdancing!!!
*roby comes on stage and attempts to juggle the three small chainsaws, but the broadcast gets interrupted as the screen cuts away to another update from TF*
TF: Hi everyone - I'd like to thank everyone for the award, but I couldn'tve done it without Chad. Wherever he is. On to more serious news, with more developments on Tropical Breeze Melvin - the next several hours should see a gradual transition to a West-East ZONAL flow, which means no big ridges or troughs in the jet stream, warmth is spread climatogically from south-north, no major intrusions of arctic air and that this storm system SHOULD play itself out without getting any worse. Overall, I'd say this is a pretty good pattern, TF's Accuweather is however giving a Moderate advisory for men wearing loose-fitting hats, which will remain in effect until the combination of wind speeds and low pressure system dissipate with a lake effect band. IT IS IMPORTANT TO MONITOR THE LATEST FORECASTS as THERE IS A POTENTIAL FOR SIGNIFICANT INCONVENIENCE FOR PERSONS WEARING LOOSE-FITTING HATS.
TF: ...and now back to our show
*cuts back to the stage just in time to see some words of wisdom from roby*
roby: remember what the Fonz says - "dont go out in the rain in your socks"
*************************************************************
Jack: We now look to honor a very important part of any message board - the Fan Fiction - or as I like to call them, the "CRAZY MADE-UP, NOT QUITE READY TO BE A LIFETIME MOVIE STORIES". And to present the award for this, coming straight from his latest appearance on "Whobody Wanna Be a Hundredaire?" and subsequent Jazzercise lessons - the Modfather hissownbadself, Lucas with Leather Tuscardero - Suzi Quatro!
*Lucas and Leather run up to the podium together*
Lucas: and for the Best Fanfic the nominees are:
Susi Quatro: Chad - "Odd Quad" #11 - The Thanksgiving Episode"
Lucas: Chad - "Must-See Doody: A Very Special Episode"
SQ: Katie-"Charkony Christmas Parade"
Lucas: Katie - My Christmas Present To You"
SQ: Roby - "Lost Episode Of Must See Doo-dy")
Lucas: and the winner is....
SQ: the Charkony Christmas Parade
Lucas: Come on up here Katie!!
*Katie comes up and accepts the award*
Katie: Gee, this is great - thank you guys, it feels so good to have something you put such hard work be honored like this.
Jack: Congrats Katie!!! - and now - the one and only Burt Bacharach!
*Burt Bacharach performs "I'm Walkin"*
*************************************************************
*backstage Jack pulls Roby aside*
Jack: Ok, I have to get something of of my chest...
Roby: that horrible tux?
Jack: no, not that - I did a bad thing...
Roby: What - your jokes? dont worry about that man, they're young - their ears will heal!
Jack: NO!! will you just listen for a sec!!
Roby: OK Jack, just calm down, what is wrong?
Jack: well, I wanted to get them to make up, so I threw him into MG's dressing room right before the show, and now no one knows where he is and, and
Roby: wait - WHO are you talking about?
Jack: Chad!
Roby: well - this probably isn't good *shouts for efd to come over* efd, Jack threw Chad into MG's dressing room - can you check it out?
efd: well, ummmm MG wasn't using her dressing room so I let Sigfried and Roy use it
Roby: ok, well this is getting better - Chad is probably in there learning some magic tricks RIGHT NOW!
efd: well no, not really, you see Sigfried wanted them to make up, so we shoved their white tiger Monticore in there with Roy
Jack: well that's just silly - Sigfried and Roy are both sitting right out front in the audience.
Roby: wait - so WHO is in the dressing room with Chad, and I thought that you guys checked ALL of the dressing rooms already!?!!
efd: you guys better get back out there on stage to present the next award - I'll check it out
*************************************************************
Jack: That was AMAZING!! Thank you Burt Bacharach!!
*Burt Bacharach bows and walks off stage*
Jack: Our board has changed over the years as people have come and gone, and now we are going to honor our Best New Member here to present the award is Roby and fresh from their worldwide tour the two Chucks, Gavin O'Herlihy and Randolph Roberts!
Roby: thank you Jack! May I say that you are doing a marvelous job tonight, I really appreciate you stepping up to the plate for this...
Jack: Hey - you know what they say - the show must go on!!!!
Roby: hehe, yup, unless of course you are thrown into a dressing room with a man-eating white tiger
*Jack looks obviously worried*
Roby: dont worry Jack - Chad will turn up OK, I'm sure of it. Anyways the nominees....
heckler in the audience: you guys SUCK!
Roby: what the??
Gavin O'Herlihy: oh don't mind him
heckler again: SURE.... just pretend I dont exist whydontcha!
Randolph Roberts: keep ignoring him, he was never really there
Roby: OK, I demand to know what is going on here
heckler: I'll tell you what is going on - these two guys are IMPOSTERS - I am the one and only original Chuck from the "Love and the Happy Days" pilot, Ric Carrott. *comes up on stage*
Roby: OK well as long as you are up here you can read off a name, but THAT's IT
Ric Carrott: OK, as long as I get to go FIRST!
Roby: yeah yeah yeah, and the nominees are:
RC: Angela
GO: KC
RR: Monica
RC: Rurry
GO: Taylor
RR: Zuzzy
RC: and the winner is...
Roby: Zuzzy!! come on out here Zoie
efd (from backstage over PA system): she said something about the final stage of preparation before she lets her army of minions; Santa and Aerosmith loose on the world.
Roby: alright well, I know that Zoie appreciates this as much as we appreciate ALL of our new members, we need you guys to keep this board alive!
*Jack comes onto stage wearing swimming trunks, noseplugs, snorkel, flippers and rubber ducky inner tube*
Jack: I have to go swimming now - I'll be back later
*the audience sits in stunned silence as Jack walks backstage. We hear jack jump into the water with a SPLASH and begin to frolic*
Jack: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
Roby: GET THE NEXT ACT OUT HERE NOW!!!!!
*Anson Williams comes out and performs "Splish Splash"*
*************************************************************
*efd and jack are standing at the doorway of one of the dressing rooms*
efd: Jack, are you sure it was Chad you threw into that dressing room?
Jack: sure - he was tall, had dark hair, good singer...
efd: Jack, do you see that guy sleeping there snuggling up with that tiger?
Jack: Yup! Nice kitty
efd: that is Scott Baio Jack - and he needs to get on stage to sing in a few minutes
Jack: Okie then...
efd: *holding jack back* Jack that is a man-eating tiger that is sleeping contentedly, we can't wake him up - that could be DANGEROUS!
*************************************************************
*back in the limosine Chad is still playing Baccarat with the evil Robert Goulet*
Robert Goulet: I dont understand how you are beating me - Milt has hit you MANY times, yet you haven't even flinched
Chad: I dunno, I wanted to play Go Fish, but this has been pretty fun. I'm sorry that Miltie has to keep hitting you like that in the your man-parts though...
*************************************************************
Jack: Thank you Potsie! Now for the Best Moment award, fresh out of the Sitcoms Online Weather-chopper, is TF and the coolest of the cool, the Fonz - Henry Winkler!!
*TF and Henry Winkler come up to the podium*
Jack: many of the fans out there have been dying to know what your full name is, but tonight I am going to let them in on a secret
TF: huh?
Jack: yes, after YEARS of research and hiring a private detective, I have discovered that your full name is actually Samoan for "Eat More Beans"
TF: that's ridiculous
Jack: yes, but it wont save me any money on my car insurance either!
Henry Winkler: Uh, I hate to interrupt this little get together but are we gonna give out some awards here or what?
TF: a good point Mr Winkler, the nominees for the Best Moment are
HW: the "We Are The Board" parody sung by HD Boarder's at the end of the last year's HD Board Awards
TF: "Jane Stop This Crazy Thread!"
HW: the "TSR Board Invasion"
TF: the "defending the board and resulting Cheers board invasion"
HW: and the winner is...
TF: the "We Are The Board" parody - congratulations Chad!
*clips from last year's show are shown on the big screen above*
Jack: Congratulations everyone!! And now for our next act - which was going to be Scott Baio, but he is otherwise indisposed so...
*efd and Monica perform "Wild One" together*
*************************************************************
*Jack comes out dressed up as one of the Two WILD and Crazy Festrunk brothers*
Jack: Hey, I am one of those WILD and Crazy Guys, a really swinging bachelor!
Jack: I am going to go down to the Statue of Liberty to get some birth control devices
Jack: How many Astral Sign Medallions can you wear? - next time try FIVE of them!
Jack: allright lets bring out Crystal and Ron Howard for the Funniest Board Member award!
Crystal: The funny is what makes this board the best place to be, and the nominees for this award are,
Ron Howard: Ashlee
Crystal: Chad
Ron Howard: Jack
Crystal: Roby
Ron Howard: TF
Crystal: and this year's winner is...
Ron Howard: Roby
Crystal: Congratulations Roby! Come on out here!
*roby comes up to podium, shaking hands and sharing hugs all around*
Roby: Thank you guys, this really means a lot to me - I think of you guys as my family, I come here to the boards to just to cut loose and have fun, so it is really important to me that you guys appreciate my humor and my efforts to make this place as fun as possible!
Jack: Congrats roby! now lets bring out Tom Jones!
*Tom Jones sings "Yakety Yak*
*************************************************************
*Back in the Limo, Chad and Robert Goulet are watching the awards on the TV*
Robert Goulet: but you are here with me! How could you be on stage singing live?
Chad: I told you that I wasn't Tom Jones...
RG: But how did you beat me?
Chad: dunno - just lucky I guess?
RG: and Milt.. with the hitting??
Chad: Hey, after doing awards shows with Jack Wilson for a couple of years, you learn to wear a cup!
RG: But, you 've beaten me! ME!
Chad: I'm sorry Robert Goulet, but look at the bright side - Tom Jones didnt beat you, and we got to become such good friends and all.
Miltie: Yeah, I had more fun than ever, "Go FISH!"
RG: I guess you're right Chad.... *pulls card from deck*
*************************************************************
Tom Jones: Thank you everyone, and now to help us remember some members that dont come around much anymore.... Laverne and Shirley's Penny Marshall and Cindy Williams!!
Cindy Williams: Thank-you Mr Jones
Penny Marshall: (to CW) he is so cute Shirl!
CW: (to PM) Shut UP Laverne, we have a job to do here
PM: (to CW) but Shirl, LOOK at him....
CW(to PM): lets just get this over with and we can ambush him backstage
PM: OK, members come and go, but we are going to remember some of those that have left us, in hopes that they may come back some day...
CW: Tuscadero...
PM: College Girl....
CW: White Daisy....
PM: *Shelle*/CamQueen...
CW: RalphMalphRicardo....
PM: XDrama....
CW: *ShortCake*.....
Tom Jones: thank you lovely ladies - please give them a big hand folks! Laverne and Shirley! And now, each year the Happy Days Board makes its selections for the induction into the The Happy Days Board Hall Of Fame, and to present that for us lets bring out two very funny guys that BOTH still got it - Jack Wilson and Donny Most!
Jack: There is a growing list of names in our Hall of Fame, so far its: TJ, Chad, TF, Jack, and Pavanbadal
Donny Most: and now to read out the list of nominees for this year's induction into the Happy Days Hall of Fame
Jack: milk, eggs, can of beans, rubber chicken, frozen toast...
Donny Most: That's not the nominees - that's your grocery shopping list! ...Frozen Toast!?!
Jack: hey it's SLIGHTLY quicker and more convenient than regular toast! anyways, efd...
DM: Katie...
Jack: Crystal...
DM: Roby...
Jack: and Pat...
*they wait for the applause to subside and tension to build*
Donny Most: And this year's additions to the Hall of Fame are...
*Jack opens envelope slowly and reads card*
Jack: I Jack Wilson, being of sound mind and great body....
Donny Most (grabbing the paper from Jack and handing him the REAL envelope): That's not it - that's your last will, which we are gonna NEED if we don't hurry up and get this over with.
Jack: OK OK - and this year's new additions to the Hall of Fame are Katie and Roby, and by honorary selection Ms Conan O' Brien - Crystal!
*the new inductees join them onstage*
Jack: Lets get everyone out here for the final number!!
*everyone comes on stage to sing*
<<song mode>>
"We Are The Happy, Days Board" - to the tune of "We Are The Champions"
Jack: I've made some news.... Line after line
Rurry: I wrote a sentence... But it didn't rhyme
Katie: We're posting a story.... This little group
TF: We've had our share of trouble and faced
Taylor: Jack's songs about food
Donny Most, Anson Williams Ron Howard and Henry Winkler: And we seem to go on and on and on and on....
<CHORUS - everyone >
We are the Hap - py Days Board
(my friends)
And we'll keep on jokin' .... til' your'e bored
We had a Maf -ia... Happy Days Ma-fi-a
No song for Chachi... 'cause we are the Hap - py.... Days Board.
Lucas: Oh we've had our rows.... but I can't recall
Roby: A time when we didn't stick together
Monica: and everyone else knows about it
Zoie: so I thank you all
Erin: But its more than just posters...
Yoli: out to amuse
efd: I've issued a challenge for the whole message board
Crystal: And we aren't gonna lose....
Chad, Robert Goulet and Milt (via video phone): And we seem to go on and on and on and on....
<CHORUS - everyone >
We are the Hap - py Days Board
(my friends)
And we'll keep on jokin' .... til' your'e bored
We had a Maf -ia... Happy Days Ma-fi-a
No song for Chachi... 'cause we are the Hap - py.... Days Board.
*fireworks go off as the curtains go down*
Backstage in the crowded theatre there is chaos - people are rushing around moving costumes, lights and equipment in preparation for the big event that is about to start in just a few minutes. Chad is dressed up in his shocking orange tuxedo with rhinestone-covered black velvet lapels and cumberbund, looking nervous and distressed, he is pacing back and forth while practising reading his jokes off of index cards.
Chad: ...and I have a HAND-full of cous-cous! *muttering to himself* no, no, no let me try it like... I'll have to call you back Frank, I'm on fire and I've got a hand FULL of COUS-COUS!!! nope, there's STILL something wrong with that joke, and I don't know if it's my delivery or the way its written... - *shouts* HOW MUCH TIME TIL THE SHOW STARTS JACK?
Jack *popping his head out of box full of assorted stuffed animals, looks at his Scooby Doo watch*: about 15 minutes Chad - PLENTY of time *salutes and dives back into box which is pushed away by two men in coveralls*
Chad: This isn't doing any good - I've got to clear my head
*Chad looks around and sees a steel door marked "EXIT" and heads towards it, he opens the door which leads to the alley and back lot. Noticing that there is NO door handle on the outside of the door, Chad grabs a folding chair and uses it to prop open the door as he goes outside*
Chad: AHHHH - Fresh air! Just what I need *inhales deeply* although I DO detect a hint of that smog they are so well- known for here.
*Jack is seen leading a goat around backstage, when he sees the chair holding the fire door open*
Jack: Ahh - that's where my prop chair for my act went!!!
*Chad hears the door slam shut behind him, he lunges for the door and starts pounding on it, yelling to be let in*
Chad: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Let ME IN!! - HOST LOCKED OUTSIDE!!! HELLOOOOOO!!!!
*Chad gives up, turns around and starts walking towards empty lot across alley* I SWEAR that this is the last time I host these awards, I need to branch out and spread my wings, see the world, save my damsels in distress....
*a long black limosine comes flying down the alley and screeches to a halt, three tall men wearing black tuxedos and dark sunglasses jump out of it, grab Chad from behind and wordlessly stuff him into the back of the limosine, which then speeds off*
*************************************************************
Overhead shot of auditorium shows red carpet surrounded by throngs of fans, a line of limos, cameras and their respective crews milling about. The booming voice of the announcer comes on
Announcer:
(brief synopsis delivered through the announcer's opening)
"....live from the Paul Lynde Civic Auditorium, in Merv Griffin's back yard in beautiful downtown Hollywood - it's the Third Annual Happy Days Board Awards Starring: the Happy Days Board...
With musical guests: Tony Bennett, Pat Boone, Burt Bacharach, Neil Diamond, Chad Doody, Hilary Duff, Robert Goulet, Tom Jones, Michael McKean, Barry Manilow, Wayne Newton, Anson Williams,
and Special Guest Stars: Scott Baio, Crystal Bernard, Wilford Brimley, Ron Howard, David L Lander, Michael McKeon, Ted McGinley, Dennis Mandel, Penny Marshall, Alyssa Milano, Erin Moran, Mork from Ork, Pat Morita, Donny Most, Gavin O'Herlihy, Linda Purl, Suzi Quatro, Randolph Roberts, Marion Ross, Some Guy in a Bear Suit, Billy Warlock, Anson Williams, Cindy Williams, Henry Winkler and also Special Guest Starring Tom Bosley
The votes for tonight's awards have been tabulated by the accounting firm of Dewey, Cheatem and Howe. And Now... we take you LIVE! to Rurry and Ashlee on the red carpet for some preshow interviews.
*************************************************************
*Ashlee and Rurry are standing beside the red carpet outside the theatre as guests are coming up the red carpet amidst hundreds of cheering and waving fans held back by only the velvet ropes.*
Ashlee: Well it looks like we'll have a GREAT turnout tonight Joe, we've already seen quiet a number of famous faces go in but let's see if we can catch some more stars.
Rurry: Hey! - there's Tom Bosley and Marion Ross
*Ashlee and Rurry run over to the stars and block their path to the entrance*
Ashlee: And here we have the Cunninghams themselves - Are you guys excited about the show?
Tom Bosley: Well, I will be a lot more excited if they actually let us in this year.
Marion Ross: Watch you blood pressure Tom, you got pretty excited about what happened last year.
Rurry: I can assure you that you no stars will be turned away this year - I have been informed that Jack is not allowed anywhere NEAR the door!
Tom Bosley: Well alright, but I'd really feel a lot better about it if we could just get inside - I want to make sure we get a good table too.
Ashlee: Oh, all of the seating is pre-arranged - I think that you are seated with Pauley Shore and Carrot Top.
TB (to MR): What is a "Carrot Top"? I think my ulcer is starting to act up again. *winces*
MR: Come along then Tom, we'll get you some milk inside.
Rurry: Look - there's Tom Poston's limosine pulling up - I hear that he wont talk to ANY interviewers.
Ashlee: I can handle this! *runs over to Tom Poston's limo and pulls chauffeur out of car*
Ashlee (talking to Tom Poston while driving his car off): so this is a nice car - I like that new show of yours. You're a real clown.
Tom Poston: Thanks. You don't have your license yet do you?
Ashlee: *grinds gears loudly* did you say that you own this car or is it a rental?
Tom Poston: Am I being kidnapped?
Ashlee: No! you're fine, this is all a dream - just tell mommy where it hurts.
Tom Poston: I knew that I should've stayed home and worked on my bubblegum collection.
*************************************************************
*inside the theatre it is dark - the sound of a needle being dropped on a record is followed by spotlights on the stage coming on to the opening drumsnares and Wayne Newton 's voice as he performs "Rock Around the Clock"*
*backstage*
Roby: Where the heck is Chad?
Monica: no one has seen him in about 15 minutes, but we are looking - I checked his dressing room, he is NOT in there.
efd: Jack said he saw him earlier - I'll go find him and spread the word to find Chad. *runs off*
Roby: TF and KC - can you check all the dressing-rooms again and take a look outside the building - just keep it QUIET.
TF: no problem, the TF Action News Weather Team is ready to roll - we're on it, oh and I can call back in with any developments on the potential impact of an offshore low pressure system moving this way...
Roby: err, ah OK, yah, keep us informed...
Monica: should we send Leonard Nimoy In Search Of....?
*TF and KC run off*
Roby: the song's almost over, what are we gonna do now?
Monica *looks at clipboard*: Well the good news is that we had the foresight to have an understudy for him.
Roby: OK, no need for panic then, just get the understudy to fill-in for a few minutes until we can find Chad. We can still pull this off without anyone even knowing that there's anything wrong.
Monica: You DO realize that Chad's understudy is Jack don't you?
Roby: I think that we are going to have a VEDDY interesting show tonight - go get Jack ready to go on.
*************************************************************
*Jack comes out on the stage wearing a neon, LED and rhinestone covered tuxedo that would put Elton John, Liberace and the Goodyear blimp to shame*
Jack: Wayne Newton everybody! Give it up for Wayne Newton! Thank you Wayne Newton and his backup band the Fig Newtons!
*tons of applause from audience*
Jack: Be sure to stop at the refreshment table backstage Wayne, I put some more Fig Newtons back there for you! All-righty then, lets get on with the show, I'd like to thank you all for being here, its so nice to everyone's smiling happy faces and such schnazzy fancy clothes, although most of yours dont have the WATTAGE that MY suit does!
*chuckles from audience*
Jack:I see a lot of familiar faces out there - Clint "Moose" Howard, "Laverne and Shirley"'s Eddie Mecca, Penny Marshall and Cindy Williams, of course Lenny and Squiggy and Danny Butch and some good friends of the Happy Days board right here up front; Little Insomniac-Kate, JPNoyes, Pzelda-Alison and NightHawk-Sonny all sitting around a table, it kinda reminds me of the story about when I took up painting, and my GREATEST masterpiece, why I have it right here, lemme just get it
*runs offstage and brings out a large canvas painting*
Jack: its called Zombies Playing Poker - see this one has a pair of nines, this one is playing the five of diamonds, and this guy over here he don't like that and he says "UHNN!! UHNN!! UHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!...."
Roby's voice over PA system: "JACK! - get on with it, I will use the hook if I have to!"
*efd appears at the side of the stage with a ridiculously oversized hook*
Jack: Alrighty then, without any further ado, or any Mountain Dew, here are Pat with Happy Days' Arnold - Noriyuki "Pat" Morita and "Big Al" AL Molinaro to present the award for Funnest Board Member!
Pat: the Happy Days board is all about FUN, and remembering one of America's all-time favorite shows
Al: and to start off the awards we are honoring the member that creates the most FUN!
Pat Morita: and the nominee's are
Pat: Ashlee...
Al: Chad...
Pat Morita: Crystal....
Pat: Jack...
Pat Morita: Roby...
Al: TF...
Pat Morita: I hope that's all of them, we only have a couple of hours to do this show and I have a cake in the oven.
*near silence from the audience*
Pat Morita: Its like a plumbers convention in here - i brought all the wrong jokes. BWA-HA-HA-HA
Al: and the winner is...
Pat: Its a tie - Chad and Roby!
*roby runs out to the podium, still carrying his clipboard and looking nervous*
Roby: gee, I mean, er thanks guys - ummmm Chad is still having errrrr, "technical difficulties" with his tuxedo, so I'd like to accept this award for the both of us and put it in a special place on Chad's mantle...which still resides in my bathroom. This award symbolizes what is great about our board - good people, good food and good fun with a fair dose of craziness - Thank you all.
Jack: all right, congratulations guys, now lets bring out the lovely Robert Goulet!!!!
Robert Goulet: I found my thrill on Blueberry Hill
On Blueberry Hill when I found you
The moon stood still on Blueberry Hill
And lingered until my dreams came true....
*************************************************************
*backstage the hunt for the host goes on, Roby is shouting instructions that are making less and less sense, and chaos builds at an alarming rate*
Roby: ...whaddaya mean "can't find him"? - don't you know who I am!!?!? I AM THE GUY HOLDING THIS CLIPBOARD!!!
efd: And a fine clipboard it is too!
Monica: As the holder of a second, slightly smaller and apparently somewhat less important clipboard, may I remind you that SHOUTING DOES NOT HELP!
Roby: OK OK, I'm sorry, its the stress man - where's my jelly beans? ...OK So What have we found out?
efd: Absolutely nothing, but TF is ready to patch in through video cellphone to let us know whats going on and get Chad on as soon as possible.
*Katie comes backstage with her date Howard Hesseman, both dressed up in matching trenchcoat and fedoras*
Roby: What the heck is this? Columbo Katie?
Katie: Well, as they say, I always get my man.
*Howard Hesseman grins sheepishly and blushes*
Roby: well, ok whatever works for you then - the story is, Chad has basically disappeared into thin air. No one has seen him since about fifteen minutes before the show.
Katie: OK, don't worry, I am on it.
Roby: OK, Just one question though - you showed up in a lovely evening gown, where did you get the trenchcoat?
Katie: I always carry a spare trenchcoat in case of an emergency. Same reason that you always carry that rubber chicken.
*Katie and Howard Hesseman go off on the hunt for Chad*
Roby (to Monica): so what DO you have on that clipboard of yours?
Monica: Oh, just everyone's signatures on a waiver so they can't sue us if their appearance on this show destroys their careers.
Roby: Ah, I apologize - yours obviously IS much more important than mine.
*************************************************************
*back onstage Robert Goulet finishes his song with a flourish*
Robert Goulet: Thank you, thank you all, you are too kind - I can tell that this evening is going to go off with a big bang!
Jack: Alright!! Thank you Robert Goulet!
*they salute each other as Robert Goulet goes offstage*
Jack: Now for one of MY favorite categories, the Best Parody Award so lets bring out our presenters. Currently starring as "Earl the Jacuzzi Salesman" in an off-off-Broadway production of Shakespeare Under the Stars - Wayne and currently appearing together in AOL and Glad commercials, Tom Bosley and Marion Ross - otherwise known as Mr and Mrs C!
Wayne: Thanks Jack, ....I think.Lets get right to it then - the nominees for the best parody on the Happy Days board are:
Tom Bosley: Chad - "We Are The Board"
Marion Ross: Jack - "Cheese"
Wayne: Jack "Snow Miser/Heat Miser Song"
Tom Bosley: Jack - "Toss Her a Salad"
Marion Ross: and the winner is....
Wayne: Chad - "We Are The Board"
*audience applauds as various clips from last year's awards are shown on the big screen above the stage*
Wayne: And now to accept his award, lets bring out Chad Doody!
*Jack is seen leading a goat to a lone wooden chair sitting at centerstage*
Wayne: What the...?
Jack: My trained goat - Chadoodie will now do her trick!
*the goat begins to eat the wooden chair, bite by bite chewing it down until it is completely gone. Jack dances around clapping his hands, obviously delighted*
Wayne: Umm Jack....
Jack: Didja see it? Didja HUH, Didjha? Didja SEE it???!?!
Wayne: You didn't kill Chad did you Jack?
Jack: Only in spirit Wayne; I don't think he could stomache all those songs about food - now please move along - people are staring....
*Wayne and the other presenters leave the stage*
Jack: And now to present the award for the Best Prank lets bring out Crystal Bernard and someone that is the object of many pranks himself, Beaverfan!
*audience applauds as BF and Crystal Bernard come on stage*
BF: What exactly do you mean Jack?
Jack: Well... there was the time that I sold your bike on eBay and then the time I signed you up for the "Meat of the Week" club!
BF: YOU sold my bike? I loved that bike - I worked for MONTHS delivering papers and collecting bottles and cans to save up for that bike!!
Jack: Well, yes I did, but I used the money for the "Meat of the Week" thing.
BF: Ooooh, well all is forgiven then - 'cuz I LOVED that!!!
Crystal Bernard: Can we get on with the award now?
BF: Oh, sorry lady - who are you anyways?
CB: I played KC Cunningham on Happy Days and Helen on Wings.
BF: Oh. Do you like pot-roast?
CB: *shoots strange look at BF* ....and the nominees are
BF: Chad getting Lucas to change his user name to "Rainbow Rooster"
CB: Chad and Ravey getting MG to put the "RDA/Larry Hagman Blend" in her signature...
BF: Chad and Roby's resurrection of the HD movie thread
CB: and the winner is.... man you guys are weird...
BF: Chad's "Rainbow Rooster" prank! - come on up here Lucas, after what you went through you probably deserve to accept this award
Lucas: Thank you for this award, it is with great humility that I say that it takes a big man to admit that "you guys got me fair and square", and well WATCH YOUR BACKS!!!!!
Jack: Thank you Lucas, here - have a Lifesaver. And now we'd like to bring out Robin Williams to share with us some memories of Happy Days... and please notice that I did say that we'd LIKE to bring out Robin Williams, but he isn't here so lets bring out Wilford Brimley!
*Wilford Brimley comes out dressed up in a red spacesuit as Mork from Ork and sits down on a stool placed at centerstage*
WB: I'd like to have a few words with you good folks about discount medical supplies, Now I know what you are thinking when I say that...
Jack: what I'm thinkin' is you're CRAZY....
WB: SHUT-UP!! I have some things to say, and I won't be interrupted again until I've said my peace, now where was I....
Jack: well you were apparently in the middle of a commercial for Liberly Medical - but thats not where you are SUPPOSED to be!
WB: Oh, well then let me tell you about OATS. You see, oatmeal is good for you - it's ruffage, it helps keep you regular.
Jack: thats funny - you don't seem like a "regular" type of guy to me
WB: SHUT-UP!! And another thing about OATS is, they taste like CARDBOARD.
Jack: O......K..... are you gonna talk about Happy Days now?
WB: Nope, I'm done.
Jack: Ummmm......
WB: Where's my HORSE?
*************************************************************
Jack: For our next award, the Most Ridiculous Name Change, along with our own Taylor I'd like to introduce a very special presenter - its "Flippper" !!!
*tons of applause from the shocked audience as Taylor comes out with Billy Warlock*
Billy Warlock: Will you cut it out - I am NOT Flipper!
Taylor: Nah - yer cuter!
Jack: I don't know - that Flipper was a pretty good-lookin' fish!
BW: OK, look for one thing, my character on Happy Days was named "Flip" not "Flipper", and Flipper was a DOLPHIN, which is a mammal, NOT a fish!
Jack: OK whatever, enough with the history lesson or I'll introduce you to my sardine sandwich.
Taylor: *laughing* OK, now to get on with something ELSE that's ridiculos, the nominees are:
BW: Chad - "Matt Camden"...
Taylor: Chad/TF/Jack/Lucas - "the Juke 'N Jives".....
BW: Kelsey - Zodiac P.I....
Taylor: Lucas - "Rainbow Rooster"....
BW: And the Winner is....
Taylor: LUCAS - the Rainbow Rooster !
*Lucas runs up on stage to accept the award*
Lucas: Thank you everyone - it feels so good to be honored, even if it IS by a bunch of jerks... just kidding!
Jack: thank you Lucas, now please accept these Lovely Parting gifts and the Home Edition of our game.
*Taylor and Billy Warlock lead Lucas offstage*
Jack: wow that was great - what the HECK is a Rainbow Rooster anyways? *shrug* Well I may just have to ask our next act, Neil Diamond!
*Neil Diamond comes out and sings "It's Late"*
*************************************************************
*Chad is seen in the back of the limo sitting next to a monstrously large and ugly guy in a black tuxedo*
Chad: hey - you seem like a fun guy, care for a game of rock, paper scissors?
*ugly guy just stares at Chad silently*
Chad: ok... lets talk about girls then?
*the door opens and Robert Goulet sits down across from Chad*
Chad: Hey its Robert Goulet! Wow!
Robert Goulet: Don't play smart with me - I think we both know why you're here.
Chad: To hang out and watch the Awards show in your cool limo?
RG: No - as my longtime archenemy, I am going to destroy you Mr Tom Jones. First I am going to beat you at your own game, then I am going to hurt your manhood, then I am going to take away that which you hold so dear. And then I might even Sign you up for a bunch of junk mail.
Chad: Hey, no offense - but I REALLY don't wanna play Twister with you man. And besides I appreciate the compliment but I'm not Tom Jones - although I have been told that I look just like him. Oh and I LIKE junk mail, because it makes me feel important.
RG: SILENCE!! We are going to play a game... your game, in fact, but the stakes will be quite high I'm afraid. We shall play Baccarat, and for each hand you lose, my extremely large associate Milt will hit you in your man-parts. Your only chance is if you can beat me, and I must warn you that I am an EXCELLENT player.
Chad: Hokay, but I'd rather play "Go Fish"
*************************************************************
Jack: The legendary Neil Diamond everyone! And now to present the Creativity Award for the Most Creative Member, here are the Great Pretender - Monica and Anson "Potsie" Williams!
*Monica and Anson Williams come out to the podium together*
Monica: Creativity is what makes this board so exciting, and keeps the fun coming!
Anson Williams: And the nominees for this years award are...
Monica: Chad ...
AW: Katie...
Monica: Jack...
AW: and Robyrob....
Monica: and the winner is...
AW: Gee I'm so excited - do I have time to floss?
Monica: Chad Doody !!
*audience applauds as various clips of Chad dooing random exciting things are shown on the big screen*
Jack: I believe we have a direct satellite hook-up with Chad to accept his award
TF: This is TF Storm reporting to you LIVE! from the Sitcom's Online weather-copter, we have VERY EXCITING NEWS on the low pressure system developing just offshore and moving rapidly towards our present location. We are calling this system Tropical Breeze Melvin and it is expected to hit us with its full force of gusts up to 15 miles per hour! This particular storm track is very interesting, it vould potentially mean a temperature drop of 4 to 5 degrees. We will continue to monitor this exciting phenomenon to the full extent of our resources.
Jack: - and what about Chad, do you have any news on the whereabouts of Chad?
TF: ummmm, nope I do not recall seeing Chad in any of the NWS alerts....
Jack: OK, well thank you TF - seeing as Chad isn't here to accept his award, it is with great reverence that I take the responsibility of accepting this award for him and I have a special place that I will keep it safe for him - on the top shelf of my refridgerator. *bows*
*************************************************************
*backstage, Roby, efd and Monica are going over the show's schedule*
Roby: OK - chad's song is up next, and he is obviously NOT here to do it.... any suggestions?
efd: We could have a live human sacrifice - I hear Jack's not busy...
Monica: we could bump up someone else's performance, or have someone else sing his song in his place....
Roby: if we only had someone else who could sing....
*Monica stands on her tiptoes and beams*
efd: hey - who is that over there? *points to janitor mopping floor*
Roby: why thats...no... it couldn't be...
*Roby and efd go over to the janitor as Monica pouts*
efd: Say, aren't you Pat Harrington from One Day at a Time?
Pat Harrington: No, I am Pat Harrington from Harry's Cleaners.
Roby: but you WERE on One Day at a Time right?
PH: Well yes, I was - but that was a long time ago.
efd: so what are you doing here playing a janitor?
PH: Look, I keep telling you guys, I'm not 'playing the janitor', I AM the janitor.
Roby: Look, we are REALLY in a bind, would you mind helping us out?
PH: Well, all right, what can I do for you boys?
Roby: Do you know the words to "Oh Venus"?
PH: Of course - its one of my staples in the serenades of seduction.
efd: ahh - and do you have any more advice on how to pick up chicks?
PH: Well, the ladies don't call me "Super" for nothing - let me impart a few words of wisdom to you. Treat each woman like they are the only thing in the entire world that matters. And when life gives you a bowl of cherries, after you eat them all you've got is a bowl of pits.
*Roby leads Pat Harrington to the stage to go on in Chad's place*
Jack: and now, here to sing for us...
*Roby pushes Pat Harrington onto stage, right into Jack*
Jack: Schneider the Super? And his mop?
*Pat Harrington aka "Schneider" the janitor sings "Oh Venus" to his mop*
*************************************************************
Jack: Well, that was just "Super" Mr Harrington - now get backstage , for a clean-up in dressing room 9!
Jack: Our next presenters are some longtime Happy Days Board members - Animal Crackers and Fonz-A-Mundo with Erin Moran!
*applause as the three women come up to the podium*
Jack: You know Erin, there has been a longstanding thread on the board asking you to come post on our little board - what do you say?
Erin Moran: Ummm..... you guys are obsessed to a very alarming degree?
Jack: Yes, but will you come chat with us?
EM: Lets just give out the award now, please?
Animal Crackers: and the nominees for the Best Random Thread Name are...
Fonz-A-Mundo: Ashlee- "The mystical planet of robotic porcupines and bobbleheaded dogs"
EM: BF - "BF's Bratwurst Hot Tub"
Animal Crackers: efd- "Tossed Salad And Laxative Party Thread"
Fonz-A-Mundo: Jack- "Arte Johnson's House of PLants he pops out of saying "Verry interresting" in a German"
EM: Jack- "Roman Moroni's House of Fargin' Good Baked Beans"
Animal Crackers: And the winner is....
Fonz-A-Mundo: "Arte Johnson's House of PLants he pops out of saying "Verry interresting" in a German"
*Jack runs around in circles on the stage stage waving his arms in the air, pumping his fists and shouting "YES", he finally makes it to the microphone at the podium*
Jack: I have but one thing to say.... Suck it Trebek!
FAM: I really don't know what to say, but congratulations anyways Jack....
AC: In the "Dark Ages" (the late 80's) it just wasn't cool to like Happy Days anymore, but the us old timers stuck to it, because we knew where the true source of cool came from.
Jack: That's right Animal Crackers.... it came from our own Charkony Labs!! And now with a Special Behind-the-scenes report, is our own Pat!
*on the big screen we see Pat in what appears to be a laboratory*
Pat: Thanks Jack, the story of "Charkony Labs" is very special - up until now it has all been very TOP SECRET - but lets take a brief look at how HD fans are "made" - with a machine that amplifies Anson Williams' brain waves!
Animal Crackers: it looks like an old touch-tone phone duct-taped to a toaster...
pat: well we DID recycle it from the plutonium-powered 'Dialing for Toast' project, remember - 'let your fingers do the dialing for the Toast of the Future'"
Jack: YES!!!
Animal Crackers: is that IT??!? - I can't believe you guys made me do this....
Pat: well most of what we do here is still HIGHLY CLASSIFIED!! Other projects I CAN tell you about include: a squirrrel trap that plays "Seasons in the Sun" at supersonic frequencies, efd's girl trap that play's barry manilow's "I write the songs" at supersonic frequencies (we DONT know how it works, but it gives him confidence anyways), Jack's sandwich bombs - egg salad of course...
Jack: thats enough Pat, really thank you...
Pat: I can assure you that the Happy Days trivia games will return VERY SOON!!!
Jack:"That was riveting, Pat. Now can someone please tell me what the difference is between astral projection and szechuan cooking?"
Animal Crackers: I am SO out of here...
Jack: Alll right then, lets bring out our next musical guest... Barry Manilow!
*Barry Manilow sings "Shaboom Shaboom"*
*************************************************************
Jack for our next presenter we need to take a little detour, because she is very busy helping out in the kitchen making all those delightful brownies you folks are enjoying!
*Jack takes us backstage and through the kitchen to get Zoie*
Jack: Here we see the zany Zoie, also known as Zuzzy, zazzing up some zuper znacks!
*Zuzzy is in the kitchen, standing on top of a chair, cracking her whip over her army of poorly-trained AEtheldreds, who are busily making brownies*
Zoie: Hello.
Jack: Well, are you guys ready to present the award for the Wackiest Board Member?
Zoie: obsoskewtidly! ffzarjklaard!
Jack: huh?
Zoie: Ætheldred!! Shtansda!!
*two of the kitchen helpers break away from what they are doing*
Jack: Its Eugene and Melvin Belvin!!!
Zoie: NO! it is my servants Ætheldred and Shtansda
Eugene: well, actually I'm Dennis Mandel and this is
Melvin: Scott Bernstein
*they both salute with wooden cooking spoons in their hands - spraying flour and pastry everywhere*
Zoie: SILENCE MORTALS!!! *cracks whip* you shall not speak until ordered!!!
*they both drop their heads in shame*
Jack: well now that you have the "help" under control, can we hear who the nominees are?
Zoie: Of course... *cracks whip at Eugene*
Eugene: Bea...
Melvin: efd...
Eugene: Jack...
Melvin: Roby...
Eugene: and the winner is
Zoie: its a tie - Jack and Roby!!!
Jack: This is great!! Two YEARS RUNNING!!! I am the KING of ZING!! woohoo!!
*takes out rubber fish and swings it around over his head*
Jack: And I would like to present Zoie with the award for the most incomprehensible buzzwords: "shtansda" and "ætheldred" - here is the bronze cupcake!
Zoie: this looks like a baby's shoe that has been bronzed...
Jack: Yeah I was a cute little devil back then...AND NOW our very own Lucas will perform a song with his idol.....
*Lucas comes onstage and does "Bye Bye Love" with Bob Dylan*
Jack: Thanks you both for that rousing rendition of "Innagaddadavida Baby" and now for the award for the Most Obsessed Board Member - AKA the "Stalkie", lets bring out efd with James Dean and Linda Purl!!
monica (backstage): hasn't James Dean been dead for like twenty years?
roby: yeah, its AMAZING what we can do with computers these days!
*efd, James Dean and Linda Purl come up to the podium*
efd: on a message board like this, you always get a few weirdos, and some of them have some pretty strange obsessions, WE have:
James Dean: Jack - parodies
Linda Purl: Kelsey - Potsie
efd: MG - Clay
JD: TF - weather
LP: and the winner is...
efd: TF!! - so lets hear from TF once again...
TF: I'd like to thank everyone for recognizing how important my work is to me - thank you all.
efd: can you give us any updates on the whereabouts of Chad?
TF: actually we have much more exciting news about Tropical Breeze Melvin, lets hear from our girl on the street - Stormtracker KC!
KC: Thank you TF - this low pressure system is moving in even more rapidly than we even imagined, the temperature just keeps dropping - its down to a mercury-chilling 68 degrees, and those winds are just not stopping. This should continue for the forseeable future, with a split flow developing in the next 3 hour period. The latest charts from the National Weather Service show a pattern of isobars meeting...
Jack: That reminds of a great joke - a Muslim, a Priest and a Rabbi walk into an isobar one day...
KC: look, this is fairly serious business here!
Jack: I'm sorry - are you guys done?
KC: Yes. From just outside the awards theatre I'm Stormtracker KC saying keep warm and stay tuned for more updates!
*cuts away to inside camera*
Jack: lets bring out the wonderfully terrific Mr Tony Bennett...
*Tony Bennett sings "Put Your Head on My Shoulder"*
*************************************************************
Jack: Thank you Mr Bennett - you are a boon to mankind, I am gonna name ALL of my children after you. And now, to announce the award for the Nicest Board Member - Two exceptionally nice people themselves, Angela/Lola Dane... and here comes Ted McGinley, still holding the ball from the big game - what an athlete folks!
Angela: Thanks for the great intro Jack
Ted McGinley: Here, hold my ball kid
Jack: I think you're great on Hope and Faith!
TM: OK OK - I'll sign the ball for you...
Angela: well if you two are finished, lets announce the nominees...
TM: Chad...
Angela: Erin...
TM: Katie...
Angela: KC...
TM: Jack...
Angela: TF...
TM: Yoli... I hope that's all of them
Angela: and the winner is
TM: its a TIE! Erin and Katie!!!!
*Erin and Katie come up to the podium together*
Erin: Thank you everyone - with a board like this, there are so many nice people, it means so much to be up here right now.
Katie: Its nice to be recognized for such a simple thing that goes so far to making this the special place that it is. Thank you.
Jack (to Erin and Katie) - ok... ok... OK, you two can continue to fight over this award backstage, remember- NO HAIR PULLING... unless I am notified of course!
*Erin and Katie leave the stagte holding the award together*
Jack: and now we have a very special treat for our audience.... ME!!
*the stagelights are toned down and a spotlight comes on Jack as he starts to sing*
What if the Purple People Eater was a pimp?
*the Jack Wilson Dancers come out behind Jack dressed up as purple pimps*
Well I saw the thing drivin’ down the street In a purple car , it had one big eye
The car started bouncin’ and he had bling bling It looks like pimpin’ people eater to me
It was a one-eyed, one-horned pimpin’ purple people eater
(One-eyed, one-horned, fpimpin' purple people eater)
A one-eyed, one-horned, fpimpin’' purple people eater
Sure looks strange to me (One horn)
Well he came down to earth and with a posse It was him and the Witch Doctor before me
His martian friends well they sure looked tough Said "I’ll bust a cap in your big old butt"
It was a one-eyed, one-horned pimpin’ purple people eater
(One-eyed, one-horned, fpimpin' purple people eater)
A one-eyed, one-horned, fpimpin’' purple people eater
Sure looks strange to me (One horn)
Thim and his posse sure looked fine They had bling blings and the fromed a line
He said why he came to land, he said "I Wanna bust a cap in a random guy’s butt"
Well bless my soul, cap-bustin’ pimpin’ purple people eater
Bling-bling clad, posse-leader, pimpin’ purple people eater
(We wear bling bling)
Pimpin’ purple people eater Started getting crunk
And then he screamed and was getting’ crunk
His posse joined in and they all break danced
The martians sracthed on the turntables
Sing a chick- chicka-chicka chick a beat boix boom
Well bless my soul, cap-bustin’ pimpin’ purple people eater
Bling-bling clad, posse-leader, pimpin’ purple people eater
I like bling bling
Pimpin’ purple people eater
Started getting crunk
Then he drove off and then what do you know
I saw him last night on Pimp My Ride
He scared everyone with his posse and
Played some kinda rap with the horn in his head
*Jack plays Clarinet Solo while scratching turntables*
Chik-chikka!!
*************************************************************
Jack: Thank you so very much!! Now presenting the award for Best Overall/Non-Chat Thread - Rurry and Alyssa Milano!!
*Rurry and Alyssa come up to the podium*
Jack: Vavavoom!
Rurry: actually there's been a slight change in plans, we are actually presenting the award for the Best Kiss!
Alyssa: ummmm, no one told me about this
Rurry: Yeah well, it was on a need to know basis, and the only thing that you need to know is that it is a TRADITION for the presenters to share a romantic KISS before they present the award
Alyssa: well... OK, if you are SURE that it is a tradition
*Rurry and Alyssa kiss*
Rurry (obviously stunned): ok umm the nominees are.... *pulls out napkin from pocket* Chad and Hilary Duff's picture, TF and Hilary Duff's picture, Barry 'Greg Brady' Williams and Florence 'Carol Brady' Henderson, Henry Winkler (the Fonz) and Marion Ross (Mrs C)
Alyssa: and the winners are... *turns over envelope* its Jack and Hilary Duff ???
*the curtains open up behind them to reveal Jack making out with Hilary Duff*
Jack: WOOHOOO!!!
HD: I don't know, there's just something I can't resist about a man in neon
Alyssa Milano: OK this is a total rip-off, I should have won!
Rurry: What do you mean?
Alyssa: well.... *she unzips costume to reveal Abe Vigoda*
Rurry: but...but... but...
Jack: Hey wow - Neato!
Abe Vigoda: Yeah its me - and I should've won the Best Kiss award for my performance on last year's TVLand Awards!!
Jack Allright - point well taken. So do you dress up as HOT young girls often?
AV: No, you don't understand, I AM Alyssa Milano - my agent suggested that I take my career in a new direction, and I wanted to REALLY challenge myself.
Rurry: but all those bikini-magazine layouts??!?!
AV: Yeah - its AMAZING what they can do with airbrushing these days.
Jack: Well I'll be darned, anyways for the Best Overall Thread, the nominees are:
Rurry: Jane, Stop This Crazy Thread!
AV: Boardstock
Hilary Duff: the Charkony Christmas Parade
Jack: the Happy Days Wrong Answer Game
Rurry: and the winner is - Jane, Stop This Crazy Thread!
Jack: I dont even know who started it, but that was definately one of our finest moments here. And Now - Let's Do the Fonzie, with Suzi Quatro and Hilary Duff!!
*Hilary Duff and Suzi Quatro perform "Do the Fonzie"*
*************************************************************
Jack: Thank you ladies, moving along now, this next award was going to have a special guest presenter, Solomon... however, he couldn't be here tonight because he decided to stay home and watch a very special episode of "That's My Mama" he received in a trade, but he does send us his ingenuos compliments on our lack of a first-rate airconditioning system and hot women that want to go out with him and then come home with him to fetch him his slippers.. And as such, returning to us after going into semi retirement as a professional mambo instructor, Erin "Blue Eyes" with Some Guy in a Bear Suit (Bob Newhart) to present the Award for the Best Name change
*Erin and Some Guy in a Bear Suit come to the podium*
Erin: A lot of names have changed over the years - some will be remembered, some we wish to forget *looks to Lucas trying to hide behind his date*
SGiaBS: the nominees for this years Best Name Change are...
Erin: Chad/TF/Jack/Lucas for the "the Juke 'N Jives"
SGiaBS: Lucas -"The Modfather"
Erin: Monica - "TheGreatPretender"
SGiaBS: Rurry - "RurryJoeMicelli"
Erin: and the winner is
SGiaBS: Lucas -"The Modfather" !!!
*Lucas comes up to accept the award*
Lucas: well, at least I have finally redeemed myself in your eyes - thanks guys!
Jack: *pats Lucas on back* good job man - we know you're still a rooster at heart. And now Pat Boone!!
*Pat Boone sings "You Ain't nuthin but a Hound Dog"*
*************************************************************
Roby (backstage): still no word from Chad? where is everyone? has ANYONE found ANYTHING??!
efd: nope - here, have a LifeSaver.
Roby: That won't help - you know I'm a jelly-bean man!!I can't believe this is all happening - why me?
efd: Look around - do you really thing any of this was "supposed" to turn out this way - i can see several laws that have been broken, including several laws of nature. The bottom line is that the show is going along fine.
Roby: OH all right - hey here's Katie, she won't let me down.
Katie: nothing to report - didn't find a thing.
Roby: You just went into a closet to make out with your date dintcha?"
Katie: Ummmm, errr ahhh say do you like Bagels? Cause I like bagels, but they really hurt my lumbago....*mumbles incoherently*
Roby: PLEASE get out there and find me a Chad
Katie: Oh alright then FINE! But I have an award to present first *storms off*
*************************************************************
Jack: - Thank you Pat Boone - keep it real man, or at least a reasonable facsimile thereof. I'd like to take this opportunity to plug my new Variety Show - a new episode should be up next week, with special Guest Stars Adam West and Burt Ward!!! Now I'll bring out a good friend of mine with a great comedy duo to give out the Dynamic Duo Award for Best Comedy Team!!!
*Katie comes out with Michael McKeon as Lenny and David L Lander as Squiggy*
Katie, Michael McKeon, and David Lander (in unison): Hell-o
Katie(to Michael McKeon): my you are looking pretty debonnaire this evening
David Lander: Yeah well, I would've worn my tuxedo, but my polo pony ate it.
Katie: Not you.
Michael McKeon: Yeah, not you Squiggy, the Lady is talkin' to me
Katie: yes well, that said, lets move on to the nominees....
DL: Chad & TF
MM: Chad & Jack
Katie: TF & efd
DL & MM: and the Best Comedy team is...
Katie: Chad & TF!!! and I belive that this makes a three-peat!! We will let TF accept his award during his next update - which hopefully will have some news of Chad...
Jack: thank you Lenny, Squiggy and Katie!!! And now lets bring out a very different act, which he tells me that he has never actually done successfully!!!! - Its Roby in attempt to juggle three small chainsaws while tapdancing!!!
*roby comes on stage and attempts to juggle the three small chainsaws, but the broadcast gets interrupted as the screen cuts away to another update from TF*
TF: Hi everyone - I'd like to thank everyone for the award, but I couldn'tve done it without Chad. Wherever he is. On to more serious news, with more developments on Tropical Breeze Melvin - the next several hours should see a gradual transition to a West-East ZONAL flow, which means no big ridges or troughs in the jet stream, warmth is spread climatogically from south-north, no major intrusions of arctic air and that this storm system SHOULD play itself out without getting any worse. Overall, I'd say this is a pretty good pattern, TF's Accuweather is however giving a Moderate advisory for men wearing loose-fitting hats, which will remain in effect until the combination of wind speeds and low pressure system dissipate with a lake effect band. IT IS IMPORTANT TO MONITOR THE LATEST FORECASTS as THERE IS A POTENTIAL FOR SIGNIFICANT INCONVENIENCE FOR PERSONS WEARING LOOSE-FITTING HATS.
TF: ...and now back to our show
*cuts back to the stage just in time to see some words of wisdom from roby*
roby: remember what the Fonz says - "dont go out in the rain in your socks"
*************************************************************
Jack: We now look to honor a very important part of any message board - the Fan Fiction - or as I like to call them, the "CRAZY MADE-UP, NOT QUITE READY TO BE A LIFETIME MOVIE STORIES". And to present the award for this, coming straight from his latest appearance on "Whobody Wanna Be a Hundredaire?" and subsequent Jazzercise lessons - the Modfather hissownbadself, Lucas with Leather Tuscardero - Suzi Quatro!
*Lucas and Leather run up to the podium together*
Lucas: and for the Best Fanfic the nominees are:
Susi Quatro: Chad - "Odd Quad" #11 - The Thanksgiving Episode"
Lucas: Chad - "Must-See Doody: A Very Special Episode"
SQ: Katie-"Charkony Christmas Parade"
Lucas: Katie - My Christmas Present To You"
SQ: Roby - "Lost Episode Of Must See Doo-dy")
Lucas: and the winner is....
SQ: the Charkony Christmas Parade
Lucas: Come on up here Katie!!
*Katie comes up and accepts the award*
Katie: Gee, this is great - thank you guys, it feels so good to have something you put such hard work be honored like this.
Jack: Congrats Katie!!! - and now - the one and only Burt Bacharach!
*Burt Bacharach performs "I'm Walkin"*
*************************************************************
*backstage Jack pulls Roby aside*
Jack: Ok, I have to get something of of my chest...
Roby: that horrible tux?
Jack: no, not that - I did a bad thing...
Roby: What - your jokes? dont worry about that man, they're young - their ears will heal!
Jack: NO!! will you just listen for a sec!!
Roby: OK Jack, just calm down, what is wrong?
Jack: well, I wanted to get them to make up, so I threw him into MG's dressing room right before the show, and now no one knows where he is and, and
Roby: wait - WHO are you talking about?
Jack: Chad!
Roby: well - this probably isn't good *shouts for efd to come over* efd, Jack threw Chad into MG's dressing room - can you check it out?
efd: well, ummmm MG wasn't using her dressing room so I let Sigfried and Roy use it
Roby: ok, well this is getting better - Chad is probably in there learning some magic tricks RIGHT NOW!
efd: well no, not really, you see Sigfried wanted them to make up, so we shoved their white tiger Monticore in there with Roy
Jack: well that's just silly - Sigfried and Roy are both sitting right out front in the audience.
Roby: wait - so WHO is in the dressing room with Chad, and I thought that you guys checked ALL of the dressing rooms already!?!!
efd: you guys better get back out there on stage to present the next award - I'll check it out
*************************************************************
Jack: That was AMAZING!! Thank you Burt Bacharach!!
*Burt Bacharach bows and walks off stage*
Jack: Our board has changed over the years as people have come and gone, and now we are going to honor our Best New Member here to present the award is Roby and fresh from their worldwide tour the two Chucks, Gavin O'Herlihy and Randolph Roberts!
Roby: thank you Jack! May I say that you are doing a marvelous job tonight, I really appreciate you stepping up to the plate for this...
Jack: Hey - you know what they say - the show must go on!!!!
Roby: hehe, yup, unless of course you are thrown into a dressing room with a man-eating white tiger
*Jack looks obviously worried*
Roby: dont worry Jack - Chad will turn up OK, I'm sure of it. Anyways the nominees....
heckler in the audience: you guys SUCK!
Roby: what the??
Gavin O'Herlihy: oh don't mind him
heckler again: SURE.... just pretend I dont exist whydontcha!
Randolph Roberts: keep ignoring him, he was never really there
Roby: OK, I demand to know what is going on here
heckler: I'll tell you what is going on - these two guys are IMPOSTERS - I am the one and only original Chuck from the "Love and the Happy Days" pilot, Ric Carrott. *comes up on stage*
Roby: OK well as long as you are up here you can read off a name, but THAT's IT
Ric Carrott: OK, as long as I get to go FIRST!
Roby: yeah yeah yeah, and the nominees are:
RC: Angela
GO: KC
RR: Monica
RC: Rurry
GO: Taylor
RR: Zuzzy
RC: and the winner is...
Roby: Zuzzy!! come on out here Zoie
efd (from backstage over PA system): she said something about the final stage of preparation before she lets her army of minions; Santa and Aerosmith loose on the world.
Roby: alright well, I know that Zoie appreciates this as much as we appreciate ALL of our new members, we need you guys to keep this board alive!
*Jack comes onto stage wearing swimming trunks, noseplugs, snorkel, flippers and rubber ducky inner tube*
Jack: I have to go swimming now - I'll be back later
*the audience sits in stunned silence as Jack walks backstage. We hear jack jump into the water with a SPLASH and begin to frolic*
Jack: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
Roby: GET THE NEXT ACT OUT HERE NOW!!!!!
*Anson Williams comes out and performs "Splish Splash"*
*************************************************************
*efd and jack are standing at the doorway of one of the dressing rooms*
efd: Jack, are you sure it was Chad you threw into that dressing room?
Jack: sure - he was tall, had dark hair, good singer...
efd: Jack, do you see that guy sleeping there snuggling up with that tiger?
Jack: Yup! Nice kitty
efd: that is Scott Baio Jack - and he needs to get on stage to sing in a few minutes
Jack: Okie then...
efd: *holding jack back* Jack that is a man-eating tiger that is sleeping contentedly, we can't wake him up - that could be DANGEROUS!
*************************************************************
*back in the limosine Chad is still playing Baccarat with the evil Robert Goulet*
Robert Goulet: I dont understand how you are beating me - Milt has hit you MANY times, yet you haven't even flinched
Chad: I dunno, I wanted to play Go Fish, but this has been pretty fun. I'm sorry that Miltie has to keep hitting you like that in the your man-parts though...
*************************************************************
Jack: Thank you Potsie! Now for the Best Moment award, fresh out of the Sitcoms Online Weather-chopper, is TF and the coolest of the cool, the Fonz - Henry Winkler!!
*TF and Henry Winkler come up to the podium*
Jack: many of the fans out there have been dying to know what your full name is, but tonight I am going to let them in on a secret
TF: huh?
Jack: yes, after YEARS of research and hiring a private detective, I have discovered that your full name is actually Samoan for "Eat More Beans"
TF: that's ridiculous
Jack: yes, but it wont save me any money on my car insurance either!
Henry Winkler: Uh, I hate to interrupt this little get together but are we gonna give out some awards here or what?
TF: a good point Mr Winkler, the nominees for the Best Moment are
HW: the "We Are The Board" parody sung by HD Boarder's at the end of the last year's HD Board Awards
TF: "Jane Stop This Crazy Thread!"
HW: the "TSR Board Invasion"
TF: the "defending the board and resulting Cheers board invasion"
HW: and the winner is...
TF: the "We Are The Board" parody - congratulations Chad!
*clips from last year's show are shown on the big screen above*
Jack: Congratulations everyone!! And now for our next act - which was going to be Scott Baio, but he is otherwise indisposed so...
*efd and Monica perform "Wild One" together*
*************************************************************
*Jack comes out dressed up as one of the Two WILD and Crazy Festrunk brothers*
Jack: Hey, I am one of those WILD and Crazy Guys, a really swinging bachelor!
Jack: I am going to go down to the Statue of Liberty to get some birth control devices
Jack: How many Astral Sign Medallions can you wear? - next time try FIVE of them!
Jack: allright lets bring out Crystal and Ron Howard for the Funniest Board Member award!
Crystal: The funny is what makes this board the best place to be, and the nominees for this award are,
Ron Howard: Ashlee
Crystal: Chad
Ron Howard: Jack
Crystal: Roby
Ron Howard: TF
Crystal: and this year's winner is...
Ron Howard: Roby
Crystal: Congratulations Roby! Come on out here!
*roby comes up to podium, shaking hands and sharing hugs all around*
Roby: Thank you guys, this really means a lot to me - I think of you guys as my family, I come here to the boards to just to cut loose and have fun, so it is really important to me that you guys appreciate my humor and my efforts to make this place as fun as possible!
Jack: Congrats roby! now lets bring out Tom Jones!
*Tom Jones sings "Yakety Yak*
*************************************************************
*Back in the Limo, Chad and Robert Goulet are watching the awards on the TV*
Robert Goulet: but you are here with me! How could you be on stage singing live?
Chad: I told you that I wasn't Tom Jones...
RG: But how did you beat me?
Chad: dunno - just lucky I guess?
RG: and Milt.. with the hitting??
Chad: Hey, after doing awards shows with Jack Wilson for a couple of years, you learn to wear a cup!
RG: But, you 've beaten me! ME!
Chad: I'm sorry Robert Goulet, but look at the bright side - Tom Jones didnt beat you, and we got to become such good friends and all.
Miltie: Yeah, I had more fun than ever, "Go FISH!"
RG: I guess you're right Chad.... *pulls card from deck*
*************************************************************
Tom Jones: Thank you everyone, and now to help us remember some members that dont come around much anymore.... Laverne and Shirley's Penny Marshall and Cindy Williams!!
Cindy Williams: Thank-you Mr Jones
Penny Marshall: (to CW) he is so cute Shirl!
CW: (to PM) Shut UP Laverne, we have a job to do here
PM: (to CW) but Shirl, LOOK at him....
CW(to PM): lets just get this over with and we can ambush him backstage
PM: OK, members come and go, but we are going to remember some of those that have left us, in hopes that they may come back some day...
CW: Tuscadero...
PM: College Girl....
CW: White Daisy....
PM: *Shelle*/CamQueen...
CW: RalphMalphRicardo....
PM: XDrama....
CW: *ShortCake*.....
Tom Jones: thank you lovely ladies - please give them a big hand folks! Laverne and Shirley! And now, each year the Happy Days Board makes its selections for the induction into the The Happy Days Board Hall Of Fame, and to present that for us lets bring out two very funny guys that BOTH still got it - Jack Wilson and Donny Most!
Jack: There is a growing list of names in our Hall of Fame, so far its: TJ, Chad, TF, Jack, and Pavanbadal
Donny Most: and now to read out the list of nominees for this year's induction into the Happy Days Hall of Fame
Jack: milk, eggs, can of beans, rubber chicken, frozen toast...
Donny Most: That's not the nominees - that's your grocery shopping list! ...Frozen Toast!?!
Jack: hey it's SLIGHTLY quicker and more convenient than regular toast! anyways, efd...
DM: Katie...
Jack: Crystal...
DM: Roby...
Jack: and Pat...
*they wait for the applause to subside and tension to build*
Donny Most: And this year's additions to the Hall of Fame are...
*Jack opens envelope slowly and reads card*
Jack: I Jack Wilson, being of sound mind and great body....
Donny Most (grabbing the paper from Jack and handing him the REAL envelope): That's not it - that's your last will, which we are gonna NEED if we don't hurry up and get this over with.
Jack: OK OK - and this year's new additions to the Hall of Fame are Katie and Roby, and by honorary selection Ms Conan O' Brien - Crystal!
*the new inductees join them onstage*
Jack: Lets get everyone out here for the final number!!
*everyone comes on stage to sing*
<<song mode>>
"We Are The Happy, Days Board" - to the tune of "We Are The Champions"
Jack: I've made some news.... Line after line
Rurry: I wrote a sentence... But it didn't rhyme
Katie: We're posting a story.... This little group
TF: We've had our share of trouble and faced
Taylor: Jack's songs about food
Donny Most, Anson Williams Ron Howard and Henry Winkler: And we seem to go on and on and on and on....
<CHORUS - everyone >
We are the Hap - py Days Board
(my friends)
And we'll keep on jokin' .... til' your'e bored
We had a Maf -ia... Happy Days Ma-fi-a
No song for Chachi... 'cause we are the Hap - py.... Days Board.
Lucas: Oh we've had our rows.... but I can't recall
Roby: A time when we didn't stick together
Monica: and everyone else knows about it
Zoie: so I thank you all
Erin: But its more than just posters...
Yoli: out to amuse
efd: I've issued a challenge for the whole message board
Crystal: And we aren't gonna lose....
Chad, Robert Goulet and Milt (via video phone): And we seem to go on and on and on and on....
<CHORUS - everyone >
We are the Hap - py Days Board
(my friends)
And we'll keep on jokin' .... til' your'e bored
We had a Maf -ia... Happy Days Ma-fi-a
No song for Chachi... 'cause we are the Hap - py.... Days Board.
*fireworks go off as the curtains go down*