WAY OUT WEST (from the second season of LITB)

It's a weekday morning in the Cleaver household and we see June in the front entry handing a lunch box to Beaver and a brown bag to Wally. "Bye, mom!" the boys chirp as they hurry out the door and off to school.

Wally returns suddenly. "Uh, mom? I left a ton of laundry on my bedroom floor for you. All my dirty underwear, all my dirty socks, and all my dirty bath towels. When you finish the laundry today, could you put a clean jock strap in my gym bag? I'm gonna need it tomorrow for the game against Bellport."

June smiles warmly. "Well, Wally, I'm glad to see you're taking an interest in sanitary athletic practices at last. A dirty jock strap can cause a nasty fungal infection - and a nasty fungal infection can keep a guy on the bench for a long time! Don't worry about a thing, Wally. I'll put a clean jock strap in your gym bag this afternoon for that all important game against Bellport tomorrow!"

Wally smiles gratefully and hurries off as Ward enters from the kitchen with his briefcase. Ward gives June a quick but loving peck on the cheek.

"Have a wonderful day, dear!" June sighs as her husband hurries to the door.

Ward turns. "Thanks, June, and, oh! Would you do me a favor, dear? Please see if you can find my toenail clippers. They might have fallen down behind the toilet or under the bed. Check behind the toilet first. And, oh! I was thinking it might be time for you to tie up those newspapers in the basement and to haul the tied bundles to the curb for the garbage man. And could you carry those boxes of National Geographics from the basement to the attic? Polish my wingtips if you have the time, too ... OK, dear?"

"Of course, Ward," June says happily, "I'll take care of everything! And I'm planning one of your favorite dinners for tonight, dear ... prime rib of beef, honey glazed julienne carrots, spinach salad with poppy seed dressing, chocolate genoise with mocha buttercream filling, duchess potatoes ... "

"Duchess potatoes?! You're making Duchess potatoes?!" Ward gasps, "You mean those wonderfully light, creamy mashed potatoes I like so much?" June nods excitedly. "And are you going to pass them through a pastry bag to create rosettes?" June nods again with even more excitement. "And are you going to brown the rosettes lightly under the broiler?" June nods again, her eyes aglitter, her heart bursting with love!

Ward gives June another peck on the cheek. "June! I was the luckiest man in the world when I said 'I do!'" He hurries out the door blowing one last kiss to his wife.

June closes the front door with a happy sigh. How good the Lord has been to her! Her heart is filled with thankfulness and joy! Oh! how she loves her men!

She strolls blissfully into the living room and sits on the couch. Her comfort is shattered however when she feels something lumpy and hard behind her cushion. She lifts the cushion and discovers Beaver's cowboy hat and six shooter.

She smiles lovingly as she thinks of her wonderful young son; she clasps his toys to her bosom. She sinks down into the pillows of the couch contentedly and falls deeply asleep.

The image of June asleep on the couch blurs, wisps of fog encircle her, and angelic voices sigh as we enter June's dream world ...

We see a lonely stretch of prairie and a stagecoach rushing madly along a dusty road. We see mounted bandits pursuing the coach and firing their guns wildly. We hear a woman screaming.

The stagecoach driver is shot and tumbles from his perch. The horses break away; the coach hits a bump in the road, hurtles into the air, and crash-lands in a gully.

Within moments the bandits are at the side of the coach. "She's alive," one of the bandits growls as he peers inside the coach. A young woman half dead with fear is hauled roughly from the coach by the bandits. She somewhat resembles June - only much, much younger. Her figure is more shapely and her breasts just a tad larger than June's.

"Bring that sweet young thang to me!" the bandit chief barks as he opens his fly.

Suddenly, a shot is heard and the bandit chief crumples to the earth - stone cold dead. More gunfire and one bandit after another drops within a matter of seconds beneath the hail of bullets.

As the last bandit falls, the gunfire ceases and a handsome, athletic, sun bronzed frontier warrior/hero/god-of-a-man carrying a rifle and dressed in western boots, hat, and jeans rides into view on a magnificent black stallion.

He dismounts and hurries to the young woman's side; he sweeps her boldly into his arms. The young woman presses herself against the handsome young man's bare, muscular, deeply tanned, sweat drenched torso. "Who are you?" she gasps.

The man's nostrils flare with passion and his chest swells with manly pride. "I'm Luke McCain, the Rifleman!" he says, "I was mending fences on my spread when I spotted that runaway stage and heard your screams!"

June feels an overwhelming sense of obligation to Luke - he has saved her life! She flushes hotly beneath Luke's penetrating gaze; she feels Luke's searing breath against her cheek; she feels his thick, hard muscles holding her closer than she's ever been held before; she inhales his sweaty, manly odors and her head swims deliciously.

Suddenly Luke holds her closer and begins lowering his lips slowly and deliberately to hers! The young woman tenses; every fiber of her womanly being groans with a hunger she has never experienced before ...

Poof! June wakes suddenly. She looks about the living room and struggles to her feet dizzily. "Oh, my! I really don't have time for foolish female fantasies!" she sighs wearily, "I have so much to do! I should gather the laundry, carry it to the cellar, and toss it in the Maytag. Then I should tote the National Geographics to the attic while the wash is running. I can spit polish Ward's wingtips while the genoise is baking and after that I should have enough time to tie those newspapers into bundles and then ... "

The End.

Below: Chuck Conners in the classic fifties TV western "The Rifleman."

MERRIE OLDE ENGLAND (from the 2nd season of LITB)

Saturday morning on Maple Drive. The Cleavers are seen at the breakfast table. Plates are heaped with scrambled eggs, bacons strips, sausage links, toast, fresh strawberries, and cinnamon buns. A knock at the door. Ward opens it and Eddie enters.

"Good morning, Mr. Cleaver! Wallace and I are going to the Mayfield Research Center for Medieval English History to finish our school project about King Richard the Lionhearted. By the way Mr. Cleaver, did you know the Research Center recently received a substantial monetary gift from Claudia Hathaway, the wife of General Hathaway. I think we all should feel a debt of gratitude to Mrs. Hathaway for her gift, don't you? ... Gosh, Mrs. Cleaver! that's a lovely blouse you're wearing. May I ask what it is?"

"It's forest green, Eddie," June answers.

"I'm not surprised," Eddie responds, "My mother says people with good taste - such as yourself, Mrs. Cleaver - always wear the most distinguished designer names in the world of haute couture."

Wally and Eddie leave.

Beaver pops up suddenly from the table, tossing his napkin aside and draining the last of his milk. "I'm finished! Bye, mom! Bye, dad!" he shouts as he heads for the door.

Ward grabs Beaver's shirttail. "Not so fast, son" he laughs, "Where are you going?"

Beaver can barely contain his excitement. "I'm goin' to Larry's house! Me and the guys are gonna play Robin Hood. We're gonna steal from the rich and give to the poor and shoot real live arrows at each other and kill each other with swords and neat stuff like that!"

"Ward," June says brightly, "Beaver and I spend every afternoon watching reruns of a wonderful TV show called 'The Adventures of Robin Hood'! The show stars that handsome English actor Richard Greene ... he's the perfect Robin Hood! Beaver is quite taken with the legend and has formed a Robin Hood Club with his friends!"

"That's right, Dad. Robin Hood was a real neat guy. He was real strong and real smart and and a real big hero! He was good to everybody and everybody liked him."

"Well, son, that's dandy!" Ward says, "But come along! I'm on my way to the post office and I'll drop you off at Larry's." Ward and Beaver leave.

June pours herself another cup of coffee. She lifts the cup to her lips. Steam rises from the cup. She gazes into the steam without moving a muscle. The image of June holding the cup of coffee blurs, wisps of fog encircle her, angelic voices sigh. We enter June's dream world ...

We see a verdant landscape of field and forest in Merrie Olde England. A small party of mounted knights is seen traveling over a dusty road. In the center of the party is a group of nuns. In their midst is a beautiful young woman, Lady Evelyn de Bronsonne. Lady Evelyn resembles June but appears much younger and much more beautiful than the "Mrs. Cleaver" we know and love.

One of the nuns turns to Lady Evelyn. "Take heart, Lady Evelyn! We have yet a tedious mile to traverse before we reach our abbey. In sooth, your parents have made a very wise decision in placing you among the Poor Sisters of Saint Ethelfreda. The temptations of the world - of sex! of sin! of fornication! of MEN! - will never tempt you in our religious house. You will spend your days in holy duties, in holy tasks and chores, in prayer, contemplation, and meditation. And come the last trump that calls us all before the heavenly throne, you will be truly worthy of Our Lord, His saints, and His holy martyrs!"

Lady Evelyn sighs. "Ah, peace, peace, good sister!" she murmurs.

The cavalcade slowly enters an allee of tall oaks that shade the road. Suddenly, from all sides, men carrying swords and quarterstaves descend upon the party. "Outlaws! Outlaws!" the knights cry. There is a brief skirmish, then the knights flee with the nuns. Lady Evelyn has been forgotten by her companions and becomes the lone prisoner of the outlaws.

"Let me go!" Lady Evelyn demands, "Let me go at once I say!" The outlaws laugh with unrestrained amusement.

Suddenly, a man clad in doublet and hose of Lincoln green is seen standing on a branch in an oak tree. "Robin Hood! Robin Hood!" the outlaws cry heartily.

Robin Hood is handsome beyond words; he is broad shouldered, narrow waisted, long legged. He is thrillingly muscular with a ruddy complexion and eyes that dance with merriment.

He takes command at once. "Don't harm the lady!" he orders, "Take her to our camp and make her comfortable. I shall be along directly." The outlaws lead Lady Evelyn away.

Next we see an pretty corner of the forest and a lean-to made of twigs, branches, and flowering vines. Lady Evelyn is within, looking somewhat anxious. All is quiet. Robin Hood approaches Lady Evelyn's shelter with a gallant swagger.

"Lady Evelyn, your release will be immediate upon receipt of ransom from your father. Until that time, I shall see that no harm comes to thee - there are wolves in the forest that prey upon beauty such as yours and I shall protect you!"

Lady Evelyn trembles; Robin Hood sweeps her into his arms. "Have no fear, milady!" Robin Hood presses his face into Lady Evelyn's neck. He kisses her throat and nibbles her ear lobes with passionate abandon. Lady Evelyn feels physical thrills she has never known before; she raises her lips boldly to those of Robin Hood. Their kiss is explosive ...

Poof! June is seen staring over her cup of coffee. Ward's lips are at her ear. "June! June! I said I'd like another cup of coffee!!"

June blinks her eyes two or three times. "Oh, I'm ... I'm sorry, Ward!" she stammers, "I was just giving some thought to ... to ... Have you been to the post office, dear? When did you come in? I didn't hear a sound ... Would you like another cup of coffee, dear? I was just about to make another pot. Cream and sugar?"

June hurries about the kitchen with a clatter of cups and saucers. Once or twice she stops dead in her tracks, closes her eyes, throws her head back rapturously, and quivers deliciously from top to toe.

Ward looks completely bewildered by his wife's strange behavior.

The End.

Below: Richard Greene as Robin Hood in the fifties TV classic "The Adventures of Robin Hood"; Barbara Billingsley as June Cleaver from "Leave It to Beaver."