Family Ties Forever!
02-25-2005, 04:24 AM
Not With My Sister You Don't Transcript (Season 1)
(Scene I)
The livingroom: Elyse and Steven are preparing to leave for the weekend.
Mallory: Are you meeting the Davis's up there again?
Elyse: Yes.
Mallory: Why is it that every time you go up to the lake it's with them?
Elyse: Well it's a tradition. We met Ron and Suzanne when we were all on our honeymoons and it's kind of nice to see them every year.
Alex: It's kind of like an old-timers baseball game. You know, you don't really remember how to play, but you go through the motions.
Steven: All right, I think we're all set.
Elyse: Four rackets?
Steven: Well I don't have any idea what Ron's bringing and I have to be ready for him.
Elyse: Now wait a minute. You're not going to get into that competition thing again. You promised.
Steven: Of course not. We worked that out years ago. It's now just friendly survival of the fittest.
Alex: If you guys don't get going you're going to get stuck in traffic.
Steven: We're going. You have the hotel number?
Alex: You wrote it down in every room. Along with the numbers for police, fire, doctor, every neighbor in a six-mile radius, and our congressman.
Steven: Sounds good. Ready to go Elyse?
Elyse: Yeah, I guess. As ready as I'm going to be anyway.
Steven: Hold down the excitement level dear, you don't want to peak too early.
Elyse: I got to admit, I'm kind of nervous about leaving the kids alone.
Jennifer: What's the matter? You think we're babies?
Elyse: No, It's just that we've never left the three of you alone before.
Alex: Mom, don't worry about a thing. We're going to be fine. Remember, I'll be in charge.
Jennifer: Wait a minute. I thought we were all in charge. Isn't each of us responsible for his or her own life?
Steven: Jennifer, I appreciate existentialism, even in a nine-year-old, but since Alex's is the oldest he's in charge.
Mallory: Why don't we go by height instead.
Alex: Why don't we go by life expectancy instead.
Alex takes a step toward Mallory. Elyse intervenes.
Elyse: Why don't you knock it off. Maybe it isn't fair that we leave Alex in charge. Maybe we just shouldn't go.
Mallory puts an arm around Elyse.
Mallory: No. Of course you should go. You two deserve this time together. And you know something else? The more I think of it the more I begin to realize that (Puts her other arm around Alex) Alex is an excellent choice to be in charge. Thank you both for suggesting it.
Elyse: Do you have to lay it on so thick Mallory? We're going already.
They all hug one another.
Steven: Call if you need anything.
Alex: Ok, don't worry about a thing.
Steven: Take Care. Come on Elyse.
Jennifer: Bye.
Elyse: I love you. (Kisses Alex on the cheek)
Alex: We're going to be fine. We'll all turn in early tonight. I'll probably read the kids a book first and maybe make them some hot chocolate.
(Hear start of car)
Alex: Don't get to excited.
Alex, Mallory and Jennifer all run to the phone talking at once.
(Scene 2):
Livingroom: There are several people in the livingroom. Many of them are making out. Jennifer takes a picture of two people on the couch kissing.
Alex: Jennifer what are you doing? Jennifer, what are you doing?
Jennifer: I bet Mommy and Daddy are taking pictures of their trip to show us. I want to show them how we spent our weekend.
Alex: Uh, Jennifer that's not a good idea. See these two kids are involved in something delicate. You see she's got something in her eye and he's trying to get it out.
Jennifer: Is that what you think they're really doing Alex?
Alex: Yeah.
Jennifer: I think we better have a little talk.
Jennifer takes another picture and runs upstairs before Alex can get to her.
Eric: Hey Keaton. How you doing? Nice party.
They shake hands.
Alex: Eric.
Mallory: Alex, I've got to talk to you.
Alex: What is it?
Mallory: Don't look over my left shoulder.
Alex looks over Mallory's left shoulder. Mallory grabs Alex's neck and turns his head away.
Alex: Cut it out, your going to give me whiplash.
Mallory: Is that boy over my left shoulder who I think it is?
Alex: I don't know. I'm not allowed to look.
Mallory: Ok, you can look, but don't be obvious about it.
Alex casually looks.
Mallory: Ok, is that or is that not Eric Morrison?
Alex: Yeah that's him.
Mallory hits Alex on the arm.
Mallory: You knew Eric Morrison and you didn't even tell me?
Alex: Cut it out will you? I'm going to end up in the hospital.
Mallory: Introduce me to him.
Alex: I don't want to bother him.
Mallory: Alex, he's captain of eight variety teams, he's really cool, and all the girls' parents hate him.
Alex: That is a good recommendation. I don't know, maybe later.
Mallory: He's coming over here now.
Alex: Hi Eric.
Eric: How you doing Keaton? Nice party. Well, what do we have here?
Alex: Oh this is nobody. Just my kid sister Mallory.
Mallory elbows Alex in the side.
Alex: Mallory Keaton I'd like you to meet--
Mallory: I know who it is. Your Eric Morrison aren't you?
Eric: Yeah, kind of lucky for me isn't it?
Mallory: Hello.
Eric: That goes double for me.
They shake hands.
Mallory: I was going to get myself something cold to drink. Would you like something?
Alex: I'd like a soda.
Mallory: Not you.
Eric: This is amazing. I mean this is kind of scary. I was just thinking about a nice cold drink. We must be on the same psychic wavelength.
Mallory: Must be.
Mallory leaves to go into the kitchen.
Kim: Hello Eric.
Eric: Hi Kim.
Kim: Hello Albert.
Alex: Alex.
Kim: Whatever.
Eric: You know this is really a terrific party Keaton. You're a wonderful host really.
Alex: Thanks. I'm glad you're enjoying yourself.
Eric: Oh yeah. The way I see it, my biggest problem right now is trying to decide which one of these girls to take for a ride in my car.
Alex: Well anything I can do to help. Well if you want me to screen a few of them for you.
Eric: I think I can handle it. Just remember when you hear that horn go (makes noise) I'm on the prowl. (Laughs)
Mallory comes back into the livingroom with two drinks.
Mallory: Well here we go. Yours is in the kitchen Alex.
Alex: She knows I like to drink my soda in the kitchen.
Eric: So, come here often?
(Scene 3):
Elyse and Steven are in the cabin. They are unpacking.
Steven: Do you think the kids miss us as much as we miss them?
Elyse: You want the truth?
Steven: Not necessarily.
Elyse: Well then I think they miss us terribly.
Steven: Thank you.
Elyse: I am so glad we’re up here.
Steven: Me too. I’ve got great things planned Elyse.
Elyse: So do I. (Walks toward Steven)
Steven: I thought we’d start with a short jog for distance, then swimming, doubles tetherball, and ping pong. That should get us warmed up for the volley ball tournament.
Elyse: We’re on vacation, not training for the Olympics.
Steven: You’re right. We’ll skip the javelin.
Elyse: I’m getting worried. Ron isn’t even here yet and you’re already competing.
Steven: I’m just kidding. We can have a great time without the competition. I love their company.
Elyse: So do I. I wish they would get here.
Steven: Yeah (looks at watch) we really beat them here didn’t we?
Elyse: Steven!
Steven: I’m sorry.
Elyse: I’ll get the stuff put away.
Elyse heads toward a bedroom.
Steven: Not that way Elyse. I moved our stuff into the other bedroom.
Elyse: Why?
Steven: Why? Because that room is 18X24 and our room is 18X26.
Elyse: Steven, no one in the world could tell the difference between those two rooms.
Ron and Suzanne arrive. They all hug each other.
Ron: Hey!
Steven: Hey, what do you say there?
Elyse: Hi Ron.
Susanne: I’m sorry we’re late. Mr. Shortcut thought the paved roads might slow us down.
Ron: Just wanted to try out the four-wheel drive vehicle. You don’t have a four wheel drive vehicle do you Steven?
Elyse: I’m sure he will by sundown.
Steven: Come on, come on in. Make yourselves at home.
Ron: First event here we go.
Ron walks toward a bedroom.
Steven: Not that one Ron. You’ve got the other bedroom.
Ron: Sorry.
Suzanne: You know Elyse, I had a long talk with Ron on the way up here. Lord knows we had the time for it. I think the competition thing will no longer be an issue.
Ron: Took the big room didn’t you Keaton?
(Scene 4):
Livingroom: Someone turns off the light.
Alex: Hey, I like fun just as much as the next guy, but these lights must remain on, house rules.
Everyone groans.
Alex: Hey, there’s no reason why we can’t have good clean fun with the lights on ok?
Kim: I bet we could have more fun with the lights off Albert.
Alex: Alex. Oh what the hell, there is an energy crisis.
Alex turns off the lights. He’s about to kiss Kim when the phone rings. He turns on the lights and Kim leans over from Alex having moved away. Alex answers the phone.
Alex: Hello? Dad, yeah it’s me Albert-Alex. Noise? No I, oh that’s the tv there’s a commercial for firecrackers. You want to talk to Jennifer. Just a minute. Jennifer.
Jennifer comes over to Alex. Alex has his hand over the receiver.
Alex: Jennifer, its Mom and Dad. Now you can talk, but don’t let them know what’s going on here.
Jennifer: Don’t worry, I’m no fink. Hello I’m fine Daddy. Hi Mom. Oh nothing much. I was just taking pictures with my new camera.
Alex signals to Jennifer not to say anything.
Jennifer: Nature stuff, birds and the bees.
Alex takes the phone away from Jennifer.
Alex: Uh well you two must be in a hurry so I’ll just let you go. Uh Mallory. Just a minute.
Alex covers the phone with his hand.
Alex: Jennifer, where’s Mallory?
Jennifer: She left.
Alex: She left? She couldn’t have left. She did with some guy.
Alex: What guy?
Jennifer: Your friend. The one with the bedroom eyes.
Alex: Why didn’t you stop them?
Jennifer: They’re to fast for me pal.
Alex: Uh Mallory can’t come to the phone right now. No, she’s insulating the attic. Yeah, it’s a surprise for when you get home. You’ll love it. Ok I will. All right, bye bye.
Alex hands up the phone and walks over to the front door. He opens the door and hears a howling noise.
(Scene 5):
Livingroom: Alex is pacing and Jennifer is lying on the couch.
Jennifer: Alex stop pacing, you’re making me nervous.
Alex: When you have kids you’ll understand.
Jennifer: Why are you so upset? She’s with your friend.
Alex: That’s why I’m so upset.
Jennifer: You mean he’s not a nice boy?
Alex: Let’s just say he might not be a gentleman with Mallory.
Jennifer: You mean if he burps he won’t say excuse me?
Alex: Jennifer, just let me feel guilty all right? That’s the way I’m supposed to feel.
Jennifer: In that case, you blew it with me too. You shouldn’t have let me have a third bowl of peanut butter popcorn. My stomach is killing me.
Alex puts a hand on Jennifer’s head.
Alex: Is there anything I can do?
Jennifer: You can rub my tummy. That’s what Mommy always does.
Alex sits down on the couch and takes Jennifer’s legs in his lap. He rubs Jennifer’s stomach.
Alex: How’s that?
Jennifer: Mommy normally rubs in circles.
Alex rubs in circles.
Jennifer: Could you please sing to me? Mommy always sings to me when I don’t feel well.
Alex: (singing) It’s a quarter of three and there’s no one in the place, except you and me. Set them up Joe.
Jennifer has fallen asleep. Alex gets up and covers her up with a blanket. Mallory comes in the front door.
Mallory: Alex.
Alex: Mallory.
Mallory: I’m glad you’re up you know—
Alex: Up?! Of course I’m up. Do you think I could sleep with you God knows where doing God knows what with I know who.
Mallory: I don’t believe you.
Alex: You don’t believe me?
Mallory: Good night Alex.
Alex: Good night Alex? Oh no my dear, you’re going to sit down right now and you’re going to tell me exactly what you’ve been doing for the past two hours.
Mallory: I don’t have to tell you that. Goodnight.
Mallory goes up the stairs.
Alex: Goodnight. Goodnight! Goodnight! Kids today.
(Scene 6):
The cabin. Elyse, Steven, Ron and Suzanne enter.
Ron: Hey come on it’s just a trophy. Don’t make such a big deal about it. It just means that we’re the best dancers at the resort that’s all.
Steven sits at the table.
Ron: It’s just one resort. There maybe dancers somewhere in the world better than we are, but obviously they’re not at this resort this weekend, but it’s possible.
Steven: Personally, I thought the band quit a little early.
Elyse: I was glad they stopped when they did. My feet were getting sore.
Steven: Really? Mine weren’t.
Elyse: No one was walking on yours.
Steven: I was just trying to get you to dance a little faster. It was an up tempo number and I thought we had a really good shot at winning.
Ron: You got a point total there Steve?
Steven: Yeah, let’s see…
Ron sits down at the table.
Steven: The dancing was worth 14 and you won the swimming competition and Suzanne the golf driving for distance.
Ron: I told you that weight training would pay off for you.
Steven: And we got the archery and the spelling. So for today you guys are up by 24. Overall, we’re still ahead by 134 points.
Ron: But the evening is still young.
Elyse: So what’s next guys? Sky shooting, tag team wrestling? Or the old who can hold his breath the longest and turn blue first contest.
Ron gets up.
Ron: All right. Go over those choices again.
Ron: Come on, just making a joke Elyse.
Suzanne: Some of us aren’t laughing Ron.
Steven: Ok time for Monopoly. Places everyone.
Ron: I’m the racing car.
Steven: Un-uh. My set, I’m the racing car.
Ron: Ok, I’m the thimble then. Go get my dice Suzanne. Their in the top drawer.
Susanne: I’m not getting your dice.
Suzanne gets up and walks over to the table.
Suzanne: I’m tired of these games. I’m tired of sharpening your spikes. I’m tired of ironing your glove. I’m your wife, not your equipment manager. Ron I’m going to bed now. If you care anything at all for me, you’d better be right behind me.
Suzanne walks away from the table and into Ron and Suzanne’s room.
Ron: I think under the circumstances Steve, we better play the short game.
Elyse gets up and walks over to the table.
Elyse: Ron, I think that you should go talk to her.
Ron gets up and walks over to Ron and Suzanne’s room.
Ron: Yeah, you’re probably right. I gotta get my dice anyway.
Elyse: Ron!
Steven: I’ll set up the board.
Elyse: (whispers) Steven!
Ron: Bet I can make up with my wife quicker than you can make up with yours.
Elyse: Ron!
Ron: All right I’m gone.
Ron closes the bedroom door.
Elyse: I don’t know what happens to you.
Steven: I’m sorry honey. I really wanted this weekend to be special for us.
Elyse: When you say us, do you mean you and me or you and Ron? Maybe we should stop coming here.
Steven: Look I’m sorry. I thought we all could come up here and have a good time. I thought Ron and I were past it. I guess we’re not.
Elyse: You’re a different person when you’re around him.
Steven: I know. It started on our honeymoon when they edged us in the newlywed potato sack race.
Elyse: It’s just no fun coming up here anymore and unless you and Ron can work this out I think this should be last vacation we spend with the Davis’s.
Steven: You’re right. Ron and I have been acting like idiots and it’s going to stop.
Elyse: You’ve said that before.
Steven: I know, but I never realized how childish we were behaving. I’m really sorry.
Elyse: Well, I guess I can forgive you.
Steven: Honey how could I act like that here of all places? This is our honeymoon spot. Maybe I haven’t been acting like it, but this places mean a lot to me.
Elyse: I know, it means a lot to me too.
Steven: Lots of memories huh?
Elyse: Yeah.
Steven: I’m going to talk to Ron tomorrow. You know I think it’s too early to give up on him. Underneath it all he’s a very sensitive guy. I’m sure he’s capable of having a good time without competing.
Ron comes out of Ron and Suzanne’s room in a blue bathrobe.
Ron: Well, that’s one.
Ron goes back into Ron and Suzanne’s room.
(Scene 7):
Livingroom: Alex is in the livingroom and Mallory enters from the kitchen.
Mallory: Well the kitchen’s clean. I don’t know how the bubble gum got in the oven.
Alex: Mallory I’d like to talk to you.
Mallory: Alex, I have nothing to say to you.
Jennifer gets up from the couch and walks over to Alex and Mallory.
Jennifer: I’m going to go up and sort my socks. Remember communication is a two way street.
Alex: Listen I’m sorry about the way I acted last night. I was way out of line. You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to tell me. You’re entitled to your privacy.
Mallory: Thank you.
Alex: So what happened last night?
Mallory: Alex!
Alex: Look Eric is a smooth guy. A young kid like you must have been putty in his hands.
Mallory: I was not putty in his hands.
Alex: Just what were you in his hands?
Mallory: Alex, don’t you think I have a mind of my own? I mean I don’t let a boy do anything I don’t want him to do.
Alex: Should I take that to mean nothing happened?
Mallory: Oh you could or you could take it to mean that nothing happened that I didn’t want to happen.
Alex: Ok, let’s narrow down those options a little.
Mallory: Do you realize how insulting your being? I mean if I were your brother and you were my sister you wouldn’t be asking me all these questions.
Alex: If you were my brother. Eric wouldn’t be interested in you, he’d be interested in me and then you’d be standing here asking the exact same questions I’m asking you because then I would be the girl. And I’ll tell you something else, I wouldn’t of even gone out with him.
Mallory: So you believe in the old double standard then don’t you?
Alex: No, I believe in a triple standard. One for boys, one for girls, and one for sisters.
The doorbell rings. Mallory sits down on the couch. Alex answers the door.
Alex: Eric what are you doing here?
Eric: (Holding flowers) I came to give Mallory these flowers.
Alex: Well my sister doesn’t want your lousy flowers and I don’t even want her talking to you so why don’t you just go home?
Mallory gets up from the couch.
Eric: Why don’t you let Mallory decide if she wants to talk to me.
Mallory: That’s a good idea. Afterall, Eric came to see me not you.
Alex: All right Mallory. Take the flowers. I just want you to know one thing. You’re breaking your brother’s heart.
Mallory: Thank you for the flowers Eric.
Mallory takes the flowers and walks over to the trash can and puts them in the trashcan.
Eric: Mallory what are you doing?
Mallory: I don’t want your lousy flowers. What are you doing here anyway?
Eric: Well actually I came by to give you another chance. I mean obviously you weren’t thinking clearly last night. I mean your biorhythms could have been off. I’m just not the kind of guy to hold a grudge.
Mallory: What you are is an egotistical, conceited jerk. I know you think you’re charming, but personally I think you’re obnoxious. I never want to see you again. In fact, I don’t even want to see you now. Out, out, out!
Eric: Ok well I just want you to know that I don’t have any hard feelings about this at all.
Mallory: Well that makes one of us. Goodbye.
Eric: Um Mallory do you think you could give me back the flowers back? I have two more stops to make.
Mallory closes the door.
Alex: Well I guess you really can take care of yourself.
Mallory: It’s about time you realized it.
Alex: You must have really had a horrible time last night.
Mallory: It was unbelievable. He kept feeding me theses corny lines about how he could make me feel like a woman. I told him I’d feel a lot more like a woman if I wasn’t with such a little boy.
Alex: Woah. I bet that made him back off.
Mallory: No, then he drove me up to the point and that’s where the wrestling match started.
Alex: I’ll kill him.
Mallory sits down on the couch.
Mallory: You don’t need to. I say it’s about two more weeks before his bruises heal.
Alex: Anyway, I really am sorry about the way I acted.
Mallory: I know. You were just thinking of my welfare, you were concerned, you were over protective. You were a yutz. I know what you were thinking Alex and I appreciate it. I really do.
Mallory stands up from the couch. Jennifer can be seen from the upstairs landing looking at Mallory and Alex. Mallory and Alex hug. Jennifer takes a picture and smiles.
Jennifer: Mom and Dad are never going to believe this.
(Scene 8):
Livingroom: Mallory, Alex are in the livingroom.
Jennifer: T Minus twenty seconds.
Jennifer comes down the stairs.
Mallory: Um, everyone sit down. Look wholesome.
Alex is holding a book and Mallory and Jennifer are sitting on the couch with him. The door opens and Elyse and Steven enter.
Alex: (reading) And this porridge is just right said Goldie Locks.
Elyse: We’re here!
Steven: We’re home!
Elyse: And we thought you guys wouldn’t get along. See Steven the second floor is still there.
Jennifer runs over to Steven and Steven picks Jennifer up in his arms.
Steven: So everything went ok huh?
Alex: Things were fine, great, never better, probably actually perfect. Shame you couldn’t be here to see it.
Jennifer: I have pictures.
The End.
(Scene I)
The livingroom: Elyse and Steven are preparing to leave for the weekend.
Mallory: Are you meeting the Davis's up there again?
Elyse: Yes.
Mallory: Why is it that every time you go up to the lake it's with them?
Elyse: Well it's a tradition. We met Ron and Suzanne when we were all on our honeymoons and it's kind of nice to see them every year.
Alex: It's kind of like an old-timers baseball game. You know, you don't really remember how to play, but you go through the motions.
Steven: All right, I think we're all set.
Elyse: Four rackets?
Steven: Well I don't have any idea what Ron's bringing and I have to be ready for him.
Elyse: Now wait a minute. You're not going to get into that competition thing again. You promised.
Steven: Of course not. We worked that out years ago. It's now just friendly survival of the fittest.
Alex: If you guys don't get going you're going to get stuck in traffic.
Steven: We're going. You have the hotel number?
Alex: You wrote it down in every room. Along with the numbers for police, fire, doctor, every neighbor in a six-mile radius, and our congressman.
Steven: Sounds good. Ready to go Elyse?
Elyse: Yeah, I guess. As ready as I'm going to be anyway.
Steven: Hold down the excitement level dear, you don't want to peak too early.
Elyse: I got to admit, I'm kind of nervous about leaving the kids alone.
Jennifer: What's the matter? You think we're babies?
Elyse: No, It's just that we've never left the three of you alone before.
Alex: Mom, don't worry about a thing. We're going to be fine. Remember, I'll be in charge.
Jennifer: Wait a minute. I thought we were all in charge. Isn't each of us responsible for his or her own life?
Steven: Jennifer, I appreciate existentialism, even in a nine-year-old, but since Alex's is the oldest he's in charge.
Mallory: Why don't we go by height instead.
Alex: Why don't we go by life expectancy instead.
Alex takes a step toward Mallory. Elyse intervenes.
Elyse: Why don't you knock it off. Maybe it isn't fair that we leave Alex in charge. Maybe we just shouldn't go.
Mallory puts an arm around Elyse.
Mallory: No. Of course you should go. You two deserve this time together. And you know something else? The more I think of it the more I begin to realize that (Puts her other arm around Alex) Alex is an excellent choice to be in charge. Thank you both for suggesting it.
Elyse: Do you have to lay it on so thick Mallory? We're going already.
They all hug one another.
Steven: Call if you need anything.
Alex: Ok, don't worry about a thing.
Steven: Take Care. Come on Elyse.
Jennifer: Bye.
Elyse: I love you. (Kisses Alex on the cheek)
Alex: We're going to be fine. We'll all turn in early tonight. I'll probably read the kids a book first and maybe make them some hot chocolate.
(Hear start of car)
Alex: Don't get to excited.
Alex, Mallory and Jennifer all run to the phone talking at once.
(Scene 2):
Livingroom: There are several people in the livingroom. Many of them are making out. Jennifer takes a picture of two people on the couch kissing.
Alex: Jennifer what are you doing? Jennifer, what are you doing?
Jennifer: I bet Mommy and Daddy are taking pictures of their trip to show us. I want to show them how we spent our weekend.
Alex: Uh, Jennifer that's not a good idea. See these two kids are involved in something delicate. You see she's got something in her eye and he's trying to get it out.
Jennifer: Is that what you think they're really doing Alex?
Alex: Yeah.
Jennifer: I think we better have a little talk.
Jennifer takes another picture and runs upstairs before Alex can get to her.
Eric: Hey Keaton. How you doing? Nice party.
They shake hands.
Alex: Eric.
Mallory: Alex, I've got to talk to you.
Alex: What is it?
Mallory: Don't look over my left shoulder.
Alex looks over Mallory's left shoulder. Mallory grabs Alex's neck and turns his head away.
Alex: Cut it out, your going to give me whiplash.
Mallory: Is that boy over my left shoulder who I think it is?
Alex: I don't know. I'm not allowed to look.
Mallory: Ok, you can look, but don't be obvious about it.
Alex casually looks.
Mallory: Ok, is that or is that not Eric Morrison?
Alex: Yeah that's him.
Mallory hits Alex on the arm.
Mallory: You knew Eric Morrison and you didn't even tell me?
Alex: Cut it out will you? I'm going to end up in the hospital.
Mallory: Introduce me to him.
Alex: I don't want to bother him.
Mallory: Alex, he's captain of eight variety teams, he's really cool, and all the girls' parents hate him.
Alex: That is a good recommendation. I don't know, maybe later.
Mallory: He's coming over here now.
Alex: Hi Eric.
Eric: How you doing Keaton? Nice party. Well, what do we have here?
Alex: Oh this is nobody. Just my kid sister Mallory.
Mallory elbows Alex in the side.
Alex: Mallory Keaton I'd like you to meet--
Mallory: I know who it is. Your Eric Morrison aren't you?
Eric: Yeah, kind of lucky for me isn't it?
Mallory: Hello.
Eric: That goes double for me.
They shake hands.
Mallory: I was going to get myself something cold to drink. Would you like something?
Alex: I'd like a soda.
Mallory: Not you.
Eric: This is amazing. I mean this is kind of scary. I was just thinking about a nice cold drink. We must be on the same psychic wavelength.
Mallory: Must be.
Mallory leaves to go into the kitchen.
Kim: Hello Eric.
Eric: Hi Kim.
Kim: Hello Albert.
Alex: Alex.
Kim: Whatever.
Eric: You know this is really a terrific party Keaton. You're a wonderful host really.
Alex: Thanks. I'm glad you're enjoying yourself.
Eric: Oh yeah. The way I see it, my biggest problem right now is trying to decide which one of these girls to take for a ride in my car.
Alex: Well anything I can do to help. Well if you want me to screen a few of them for you.
Eric: I think I can handle it. Just remember when you hear that horn go (makes noise) I'm on the prowl. (Laughs)
Mallory comes back into the livingroom with two drinks.
Mallory: Well here we go. Yours is in the kitchen Alex.
Alex: She knows I like to drink my soda in the kitchen.
Eric: So, come here often?
(Scene 3):
Elyse and Steven are in the cabin. They are unpacking.
Steven: Do you think the kids miss us as much as we miss them?
Elyse: You want the truth?
Steven: Not necessarily.
Elyse: Well then I think they miss us terribly.
Steven: Thank you.
Elyse: I am so glad we’re up here.
Steven: Me too. I’ve got great things planned Elyse.
Elyse: So do I. (Walks toward Steven)
Steven: I thought we’d start with a short jog for distance, then swimming, doubles tetherball, and ping pong. That should get us warmed up for the volley ball tournament.
Elyse: We’re on vacation, not training for the Olympics.
Steven: You’re right. We’ll skip the javelin.
Elyse: I’m getting worried. Ron isn’t even here yet and you’re already competing.
Steven: I’m just kidding. We can have a great time without the competition. I love their company.
Elyse: So do I. I wish they would get here.
Steven: Yeah (looks at watch) we really beat them here didn’t we?
Elyse: Steven!
Steven: I’m sorry.
Elyse: I’ll get the stuff put away.
Elyse heads toward a bedroom.
Steven: Not that way Elyse. I moved our stuff into the other bedroom.
Elyse: Why?
Steven: Why? Because that room is 18X24 and our room is 18X26.
Elyse: Steven, no one in the world could tell the difference between those two rooms.
Ron and Suzanne arrive. They all hug each other.
Ron: Hey!
Steven: Hey, what do you say there?
Elyse: Hi Ron.
Susanne: I’m sorry we’re late. Mr. Shortcut thought the paved roads might slow us down.
Ron: Just wanted to try out the four-wheel drive vehicle. You don’t have a four wheel drive vehicle do you Steven?
Elyse: I’m sure he will by sundown.
Steven: Come on, come on in. Make yourselves at home.
Ron: First event here we go.
Ron walks toward a bedroom.
Steven: Not that one Ron. You’ve got the other bedroom.
Ron: Sorry.
Suzanne: You know Elyse, I had a long talk with Ron on the way up here. Lord knows we had the time for it. I think the competition thing will no longer be an issue.
Ron: Took the big room didn’t you Keaton?
(Scene 4):
Livingroom: Someone turns off the light.
Alex: Hey, I like fun just as much as the next guy, but these lights must remain on, house rules.
Everyone groans.
Alex: Hey, there’s no reason why we can’t have good clean fun with the lights on ok?
Kim: I bet we could have more fun with the lights off Albert.
Alex: Alex. Oh what the hell, there is an energy crisis.
Alex turns off the lights. He’s about to kiss Kim when the phone rings. He turns on the lights and Kim leans over from Alex having moved away. Alex answers the phone.
Alex: Hello? Dad, yeah it’s me Albert-Alex. Noise? No I, oh that’s the tv there’s a commercial for firecrackers. You want to talk to Jennifer. Just a minute. Jennifer.
Jennifer comes over to Alex. Alex has his hand over the receiver.
Alex: Jennifer, its Mom and Dad. Now you can talk, but don’t let them know what’s going on here.
Jennifer: Don’t worry, I’m no fink. Hello I’m fine Daddy. Hi Mom. Oh nothing much. I was just taking pictures with my new camera.
Alex signals to Jennifer not to say anything.
Jennifer: Nature stuff, birds and the bees.
Alex takes the phone away from Jennifer.
Alex: Uh well you two must be in a hurry so I’ll just let you go. Uh Mallory. Just a minute.
Alex covers the phone with his hand.
Alex: Jennifer, where’s Mallory?
Jennifer: She left.
Alex: She left? She couldn’t have left. She did with some guy.
Alex: What guy?
Jennifer: Your friend. The one with the bedroom eyes.
Alex: Why didn’t you stop them?
Jennifer: They’re to fast for me pal.
Alex: Uh Mallory can’t come to the phone right now. No, she’s insulating the attic. Yeah, it’s a surprise for when you get home. You’ll love it. Ok I will. All right, bye bye.
Alex hands up the phone and walks over to the front door. He opens the door and hears a howling noise.
(Scene 5):
Livingroom: Alex is pacing and Jennifer is lying on the couch.
Jennifer: Alex stop pacing, you’re making me nervous.
Alex: When you have kids you’ll understand.
Jennifer: Why are you so upset? She’s with your friend.
Alex: That’s why I’m so upset.
Jennifer: You mean he’s not a nice boy?
Alex: Let’s just say he might not be a gentleman with Mallory.
Jennifer: You mean if he burps he won’t say excuse me?
Alex: Jennifer, just let me feel guilty all right? That’s the way I’m supposed to feel.
Jennifer: In that case, you blew it with me too. You shouldn’t have let me have a third bowl of peanut butter popcorn. My stomach is killing me.
Alex puts a hand on Jennifer’s head.
Alex: Is there anything I can do?
Jennifer: You can rub my tummy. That’s what Mommy always does.
Alex sits down on the couch and takes Jennifer’s legs in his lap. He rubs Jennifer’s stomach.
Alex: How’s that?
Jennifer: Mommy normally rubs in circles.
Alex rubs in circles.
Jennifer: Could you please sing to me? Mommy always sings to me when I don’t feel well.
Alex: (singing) It’s a quarter of three and there’s no one in the place, except you and me. Set them up Joe.
Jennifer has fallen asleep. Alex gets up and covers her up with a blanket. Mallory comes in the front door.
Mallory: Alex.
Alex: Mallory.
Mallory: I’m glad you’re up you know—
Alex: Up?! Of course I’m up. Do you think I could sleep with you God knows where doing God knows what with I know who.
Mallory: I don’t believe you.
Alex: You don’t believe me?
Mallory: Good night Alex.
Alex: Good night Alex? Oh no my dear, you’re going to sit down right now and you’re going to tell me exactly what you’ve been doing for the past two hours.
Mallory: I don’t have to tell you that. Goodnight.
Mallory goes up the stairs.
Alex: Goodnight. Goodnight! Goodnight! Kids today.
(Scene 6):
The cabin. Elyse, Steven, Ron and Suzanne enter.
Ron: Hey come on it’s just a trophy. Don’t make such a big deal about it. It just means that we’re the best dancers at the resort that’s all.
Steven sits at the table.
Ron: It’s just one resort. There maybe dancers somewhere in the world better than we are, but obviously they’re not at this resort this weekend, but it’s possible.
Steven: Personally, I thought the band quit a little early.
Elyse: I was glad they stopped when they did. My feet were getting sore.
Steven: Really? Mine weren’t.
Elyse: No one was walking on yours.
Steven: I was just trying to get you to dance a little faster. It was an up tempo number and I thought we had a really good shot at winning.
Ron: You got a point total there Steve?
Steven: Yeah, let’s see…
Ron sits down at the table.
Steven: The dancing was worth 14 and you won the swimming competition and Suzanne the golf driving for distance.
Ron: I told you that weight training would pay off for you.
Steven: And we got the archery and the spelling. So for today you guys are up by 24. Overall, we’re still ahead by 134 points.
Ron: But the evening is still young.
Elyse: So what’s next guys? Sky shooting, tag team wrestling? Or the old who can hold his breath the longest and turn blue first contest.
Ron gets up.
Ron: All right. Go over those choices again.
Ron: Come on, just making a joke Elyse.
Suzanne: Some of us aren’t laughing Ron.
Steven: Ok time for Monopoly. Places everyone.
Ron: I’m the racing car.
Steven: Un-uh. My set, I’m the racing car.
Ron: Ok, I’m the thimble then. Go get my dice Suzanne. Their in the top drawer.
Susanne: I’m not getting your dice.
Suzanne gets up and walks over to the table.
Suzanne: I’m tired of these games. I’m tired of sharpening your spikes. I’m tired of ironing your glove. I’m your wife, not your equipment manager. Ron I’m going to bed now. If you care anything at all for me, you’d better be right behind me.
Suzanne walks away from the table and into Ron and Suzanne’s room.
Ron: I think under the circumstances Steve, we better play the short game.
Elyse gets up and walks over to the table.
Elyse: Ron, I think that you should go talk to her.
Ron gets up and walks over to Ron and Suzanne’s room.
Ron: Yeah, you’re probably right. I gotta get my dice anyway.
Elyse: Ron!
Steven: I’ll set up the board.
Elyse: (whispers) Steven!
Ron: Bet I can make up with my wife quicker than you can make up with yours.
Elyse: Ron!
Ron: All right I’m gone.
Ron closes the bedroom door.
Elyse: I don’t know what happens to you.
Steven: I’m sorry honey. I really wanted this weekend to be special for us.
Elyse: When you say us, do you mean you and me or you and Ron? Maybe we should stop coming here.
Steven: Look I’m sorry. I thought we all could come up here and have a good time. I thought Ron and I were past it. I guess we’re not.
Elyse: You’re a different person when you’re around him.
Steven: I know. It started on our honeymoon when they edged us in the newlywed potato sack race.
Elyse: It’s just no fun coming up here anymore and unless you and Ron can work this out I think this should be last vacation we spend with the Davis’s.
Steven: You’re right. Ron and I have been acting like idiots and it’s going to stop.
Elyse: You’ve said that before.
Steven: I know, but I never realized how childish we were behaving. I’m really sorry.
Elyse: Well, I guess I can forgive you.
Steven: Honey how could I act like that here of all places? This is our honeymoon spot. Maybe I haven’t been acting like it, but this places mean a lot to me.
Elyse: I know, it means a lot to me too.
Steven: Lots of memories huh?
Elyse: Yeah.
Steven: I’m going to talk to Ron tomorrow. You know I think it’s too early to give up on him. Underneath it all he’s a very sensitive guy. I’m sure he’s capable of having a good time without competing.
Ron comes out of Ron and Suzanne’s room in a blue bathrobe.
Ron: Well, that’s one.
Ron goes back into Ron and Suzanne’s room.
(Scene 7):
Livingroom: Alex is in the livingroom and Mallory enters from the kitchen.
Mallory: Well the kitchen’s clean. I don’t know how the bubble gum got in the oven.
Alex: Mallory I’d like to talk to you.
Mallory: Alex, I have nothing to say to you.
Jennifer gets up from the couch and walks over to Alex and Mallory.
Jennifer: I’m going to go up and sort my socks. Remember communication is a two way street.
Alex: Listen I’m sorry about the way I acted last night. I was way out of line. You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to tell me. You’re entitled to your privacy.
Mallory: Thank you.
Alex: So what happened last night?
Mallory: Alex!
Alex: Look Eric is a smooth guy. A young kid like you must have been putty in his hands.
Mallory: I was not putty in his hands.
Alex: Just what were you in his hands?
Mallory: Alex, don’t you think I have a mind of my own? I mean I don’t let a boy do anything I don’t want him to do.
Alex: Should I take that to mean nothing happened?
Mallory: Oh you could or you could take it to mean that nothing happened that I didn’t want to happen.
Alex: Ok, let’s narrow down those options a little.
Mallory: Do you realize how insulting your being? I mean if I were your brother and you were my sister you wouldn’t be asking me all these questions.
Alex: If you were my brother. Eric wouldn’t be interested in you, he’d be interested in me and then you’d be standing here asking the exact same questions I’m asking you because then I would be the girl. And I’ll tell you something else, I wouldn’t of even gone out with him.
Mallory: So you believe in the old double standard then don’t you?
Alex: No, I believe in a triple standard. One for boys, one for girls, and one for sisters.
The doorbell rings. Mallory sits down on the couch. Alex answers the door.
Alex: Eric what are you doing here?
Eric: (Holding flowers) I came to give Mallory these flowers.
Alex: Well my sister doesn’t want your lousy flowers and I don’t even want her talking to you so why don’t you just go home?
Mallory gets up from the couch.
Eric: Why don’t you let Mallory decide if she wants to talk to me.
Mallory: That’s a good idea. Afterall, Eric came to see me not you.
Alex: All right Mallory. Take the flowers. I just want you to know one thing. You’re breaking your brother’s heart.
Mallory: Thank you for the flowers Eric.
Mallory takes the flowers and walks over to the trash can and puts them in the trashcan.
Eric: Mallory what are you doing?
Mallory: I don’t want your lousy flowers. What are you doing here anyway?
Eric: Well actually I came by to give you another chance. I mean obviously you weren’t thinking clearly last night. I mean your biorhythms could have been off. I’m just not the kind of guy to hold a grudge.
Mallory: What you are is an egotistical, conceited jerk. I know you think you’re charming, but personally I think you’re obnoxious. I never want to see you again. In fact, I don’t even want to see you now. Out, out, out!
Eric: Ok well I just want you to know that I don’t have any hard feelings about this at all.
Mallory: Well that makes one of us. Goodbye.
Eric: Um Mallory do you think you could give me back the flowers back? I have two more stops to make.
Mallory closes the door.
Alex: Well I guess you really can take care of yourself.
Mallory: It’s about time you realized it.
Alex: You must have really had a horrible time last night.
Mallory: It was unbelievable. He kept feeding me theses corny lines about how he could make me feel like a woman. I told him I’d feel a lot more like a woman if I wasn’t with such a little boy.
Alex: Woah. I bet that made him back off.
Mallory: No, then he drove me up to the point and that’s where the wrestling match started.
Alex: I’ll kill him.
Mallory sits down on the couch.
Mallory: You don’t need to. I say it’s about two more weeks before his bruises heal.
Alex: Anyway, I really am sorry about the way I acted.
Mallory: I know. You were just thinking of my welfare, you were concerned, you were over protective. You were a yutz. I know what you were thinking Alex and I appreciate it. I really do.
Mallory stands up from the couch. Jennifer can be seen from the upstairs landing looking at Mallory and Alex. Mallory and Alex hug. Jennifer takes a picture and smiles.
Jennifer: Mom and Dad are never going to believe this.
(Scene 8):
Livingroom: Mallory, Alex are in the livingroom.
Jennifer: T Minus twenty seconds.
Jennifer comes down the stairs.
Mallory: Um, everyone sit down. Look wholesome.
Alex is holding a book and Mallory and Jennifer are sitting on the couch with him. The door opens and Elyse and Steven enter.
Alex: (reading) And this porridge is just right said Goldie Locks.
Elyse: We’re here!
Steven: We’re home!
Elyse: And we thought you guys wouldn’t get along. See Steven the second floor is still there.
Jennifer runs over to Steven and Steven picks Jennifer up in his arms.
Steven: So everything went ok huh?
Alex: Things were fine, great, never better, probably actually perfect. Shame you couldn’t be here to see it.
Jennifer: I have pictures.
The End.