crystals
01-11-2005, 04:27 AM
Dear Diary,
For my fiftieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of
personal training at the local health club for me. Although I think I'm
still in great shape since playing on my college football team 30 yrs
ago, I
decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and
model
for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my
enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to
chart
my progress.
MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was
well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me.
She was something of a Greek goddess --with blonde hair, dancing eyes,
and
a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse
after 5
minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast,
but I
attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I
enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics
class
after my workout today. Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I
did my
sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the
whole
time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the
door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the
air,
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all
worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the
toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I
have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or
stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other
club
members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and
when
she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest
hurt
when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair master. Why
the
hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered
obsolete
by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy
life.
She said some other **** too.
THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth
exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being
a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took
me
to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in
the
men's room.. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on
the
rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY: I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever
hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic
little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move
without
unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps. And
if
you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#&*!!@*
barbells or
anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the
choir
director?
SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her
grating,
shrill voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me
want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to
even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of
the
Weather Channel.
SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I
can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
my
wife (the bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun, like a root
canal
or a vasectomy.
For my fiftieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of
personal training at the local health club for me. Although I think I'm
still in great shape since playing on my college football team 30 yrs
ago, I
decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and
model
for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my
enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to
chart
my progress.
MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was
well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me.
She was something of a Greek goddess --with blonde hair, dancing eyes,
and
a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse
after 5
minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast,
but I
attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I
enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics
class
after my workout today. Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I
did my
sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the
whole
time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the
door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the
air,
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all
worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the
toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I
have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or
stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other
club
members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and
when
she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest
hurt
when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair master. Why
the
hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered
obsolete
by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy
life.
She said some other **** too.
THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth
exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being
a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took
me
to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in
the
men's room.. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on
the
rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY: I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever
hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic
little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move
without
unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps. And
if
you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#&*!!@*
barbells or
anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the
choir
director?
SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her
grating,
shrill voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me
want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to
even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of
the
Weather Channel.
SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I
can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
my
wife (the bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun, like a root
canal
or a vasectomy.