'Crane+Car=Catastrophe' [Archive] - Sitcoms Online Message Boards

Chambers

11-15-2004, 08:39 PM

I copied and pasted. Still have to read it, though.

Frasier

‘Crane + Car = Catastrophe’

Written By

James Allsopp

Scene A
Fade in:
Int. Café Nervosa – day - day/1
Frasier, Niles, Daphne, Roz

Frasier, Niles and Daphne are having coffee. Roz enters.

Roz
Hey, guys.

As they adlib hello’s a waiter arrives.

Roz (Cont’d)
Latté, to go, thanks. (Then) Frasier, what are your plans for next Saturday?
Frasier
My guess is nothing interesting. Why do you ask?
Roz
Well, an old friend of mine just moved here from Wisconsin and I thought that you could maybe, you know, show her around.
Frasier
Show her around or ‘Show her around’?
Roz
C’mon, I know you two would hit it off. She loves your type. When the two of us worked together back in Wisconsin she dated guys like you all the time. C’mon, it wouldn’t even be a real date. Just show her the sites and see what comes of it.
Niles
Don’t forget to show her that streetlight on the corner of 6th and Boulevard.

Roz gives Niles an evil stare.

Frasier
It’s awfully nice of you to try and set your friend up with me but I think I’m going to have to pass.
Roz
Actually, I was setting you up with her.
Frasier (Sarcastically)
Thanks for the ego boost.
Roz
I just thought that you could use the company. It has been quite a while since your last… encounter.
Frasier
Thanks, but no thanks.
Roz
Ok, suit your self.

The waiter returns with Roz’s coffee.

Roz (Cont’d)
Well, I’ve got to run. Bye, guys.

Roz exits.

Daphne
So, when does Freddy arrive?
Frasier
The plane should arrive at six pm, which leaves us just enough time to have dinner at one of Seattle’s fine fast food outlets, god help me, then it’s off to the big rock concert.
Niles
I’m surprised that you even want to go to a rock concert.
Daphne
I’m even more surprised that he’s letting you go with him. You know how teenagers can be.
Frasier
You’re right. He didn’t want me to go. Apparently I’m not cool enough. But in the end he relented.
Niles (Jokingly)
What did you do, bribe him with money?
Frasier
Yes and no, actually. Remember I told you that Freddy is going for his driver’s license next month? Well, he asked me if I would take him for a few lessons and I said I wouldn’t take him unless he agreed to go to the rock concert with me.
Daphne
You know, I can’t really picture you at a rock concert. I mean can you imagine it; you dressed head to toe in black leather, long hair, tattoos.

Daphne laughs at this.

Frasier
Only in my worst nightmare.
Niles (Checks watch)
Well, I’ve got to run. I have a patient.
Daphne
Don’t forget we have that appointment with Doctor Vaughn today.
Frasier
Oh, Doctor Vaughn. He’s supposed to be fantastic.
Daphne (Dryly)
Apparently he’s the best.
Niles
Was that today? Is there any chance that you could cancel the appointment? I have some last minute sessions booked.
Daphne (Getting angry)
No, I can’t cancel. You have to book with Dr Lee two weeks in advance. You made the appointment, remember!
Niles
Okay, calm down. I’ll cancel the sessions. Bye Frasier. Darling.

Niles kisses Daphne, then exits.

Frasier
So, how is the pregnancy treating you?
Daphne
Everything seems to be going fine, apart from the morning sickness and the mood swings. This morning Niles asked we what I wanted on my toast and I said ‘it didn’t matter’, then he said ‘are you sure because if you just tell me what you want’ and I just lost it and yelled ‘I don’t care’. Little things like that have been setting me off all week.
Frasier
Ah, that takes me back. Lilith was completely insufferable during her pregnancy, but I persevered, because I knew that it would eventually pass. (Then) Boy, was I wrong.
Daphne
I knew being pregnant was going to be tough. I just didn’t expect it to be such an emotional roller coaster ride.
Frasier
I know it’s tough, but when you hold that little miracle in your arms for the first time, you’ll know it was worth it. And until that time, you won’t know how much love you are actually capable of. Suddenly it’s no longer about what you want or need. Your whole life revolves around this tiny little thing. Having a child is going to change your whole life.
Daphne
I just hope I’m up to the job. Motherhood is a huge responsibility.
Frasier
I’m sure that you are going to be a wonderful mother, Daphne. You’re the most caring, nurturing, loving person I know. And surely you learnt a thing or two after living in a household with eight boys?
Daphne
That’s why I want a girl.
Frasier
Have you decided as to whether or not you’re going to find out the sex of the baby?
Daphne
Niles and I both think we should wait until the actual birth. You know, do it the way god intended.
Frasier
Yes, I’d have to agree. Not knowing really adds excitement.
Daphne
You know, I’ve heard that some mothers actually think they can tell what the sex of their baby is going to be based solely on how hard the baby kicks.
Frasier
Well, I wouldn’t take that test to seriously, Daphne. We Crane boys have never been know for our kicking ability.

As we:
Fade out

Scene B
Fade in:
Int. Radio Studio - Later that Day - Day/1
Frasier, Roz, Geraldine (v.o.)

Frasier is on the air.

Frasier
…And although the voices you hear are telling you to kill, please bear in mind that you do work in a slaughterhouse. Thank you for your call. Who else do we have on the line, Roz?
Roz
We have Geraldine on line four. She’s having trouble breaking it off with her boyfriend.
Frasier
Hello, Geraldine. I’m listening.
Geraldine (v.o.)
Hi, Dr. Crane. My problem is that I want to break it off with my boyfriend, but I don’t want to hurt his feelings. He’s a great guy and all but I’m just not ready for a commitment right now. What do you think I should do?
Frasier
Well Geraldine, I think the best thing you can do is to be honest with him. Just tell him how you feel. Say Roz, you’re the expert. What advice can you give to Geraldine?

Roz rolls her eyes.

Roz
I’d have to agree with Dr. Crane on this one, Geraldine. You’re better off being honest with him. How long have you been seeing this guy for anyway?
Geraldine (v.o.)
About 4 months.
Roz
Well, I think you’re better off ending the relationship now rather than later.
Geraldine (v.o.)
I guess you’re right. 3 months isn’t that long anyway.
Frasier (Looks at Roz)
You would think so, wouldn’t you?

Roz signals that it is time to wrap it up.

Frasier
Well listeners, that’s all the time we have for today. This is Dr Frasier Crane KACL 780-talk radio signing off.

Roz enters the booth.

Roz
When Geraldine said that 3 months isn’t that long to be in a relationship and you said ‘You would think so, wouldn’t you’, were you referring to my inability to stay in a relationship or your inability to even have a relationship?

Frasier ignores her and begins packing his briefcase.

Roz
So, how long is Freddy in town for?
Frasier
Just for the week.
Roz
So, I suppose you have a ton of things planned.
Frasier
As a matter of fact, yes I do. I’m taking Freddy to the new art exhibit tomorrow. And on Monday I’m taking him to see a play on the life and times of Tennessee Williams.
Roz (Wryly)
So, do you have anything fun planned?
Frasier (Dryly)
Yes, Roz. I’m taking him to the rock concert tonight, and tomorrow I’m giving him driving lessons.
Roz (Surprised)
You’re taking Freddy driving?
Frasier
You seem surprised.
Roz
Well, I thought you’d be the kind of guy that would just send their kid to a driving school.
Frasier
Frederick is actually a student at Boston’s premiere driving academy. He’s preparing for his driving exam and I agreed to take him for a few practice drives before the test. He’s actually turning sixteen next month.
Roz
No kidding. I can’t believe that Freddy is actually turning sixteen.
Frasier (Sadly)
Yes, I’m finding it hard to believe myself. It seems like only yesterday when I bought him his first Mind Meld Kit. And I never thought I’d see the day when the two of us would be going to a rock concert together.
Roz
Neither did I. You always reminded me of the father of one of my old girl friends. He was very religious and rock music was forbidden, which meant that my friend was never allowed to go to the concerts. My friend always managed to find a way out of the house but if he knew some of the other things that my friend and I used to do, rock music would have been the last thing on his mind.
Frasier
I can only imagine as to what and god forbid, whom you did, but I can honestly say that I don’t want to know.
Roz
See, you even sound like him. Aside from the fact that he occasionally got lucky, the two of you are dead ringers.

Frasier and Roz exit the booth.

Roz (Cont’d)
Can I ask you a question, Frasier?
Frasier
Sure, Roz.
Roz
Why are you going to this rock concert tonight?
Frasier
‘Why’?
Roz
Well, you know, ‘you, at a rock concert’.
Frasier
Why does everybody think it’s weird that I’m going to a rock concert?
Roz
Because it is weird. C’mon, you can tell me.
Frasier
Well, I just though it would be a good chance for the two of us to bond. The two of us haven’t really been spending enough time together lately. It’s no big deal. (Then) And it’ll give me a chance to show Freddy just how cool his old man can be.
Roz
Did you say cool or cruel?
Frasier
Very funny, Roz.
Roz
Yeah well, when I was Freddy’s age you’d never see me at a rock concert with my dad.
Frasier
If the dress you wore to that KACL fundraiser last week is any indication, I think it’s fair to say that you would see everything else though.
Roz
I was trying to get David from promotions attention and now we have a date this Thursday. Just because you can’t get a date, don’t take your frustration out on me. How long has it been anyway?
Frasier
Not that it’s any of your business but if you must know, I haven’t been with a woman for six months.
Roz (Laughs)
Is that all?
Frasier
What do you mean, ‘is that all’?
Roz
Well, I thought you would’ve been used to the whole ‘alone’ thing by now. Remember the time you went a whole year.
Frasier
Don’t remind me. (Checks watch) Well, I’ve got to run.
Roz
Ok, have a nice weekend.
Frasier
You too.

As we:
Fade out

A temper that could boil a sausage
Scene C

Fade in:
Int. Niles’ Kitchen – Evening - Day/1
Daphne, Niles

Daphne is busy preparing dinner. There are two pots on the stove. We also see cooking utensils, various ingredients, a butcher’s knife and a small plate. She stirs one pot, sprinkles some ingredients into another and then crosses to the refrigerator and takes out a bowl. She moves back to the stove, places the bowl on the counter and then continues to stir the first pot. She hums a cheery tune as she works. As Daphne reaches for the bowl she accidentally knocks over the small plate.

SFX: Porcelain breaking

Daphne
Whoops.

She begins to clean the mess.

SFX: The doorbell rings

Daphne (Annoyed)
Not now!

Cut to:

Int. Niles’ living room - Continuous

Daphne crosses the room to answer the door.

SFX: The phone rings.

Daphne (More annoyed)
You’ve got to be kidding me!

Daphne answers the phone and continues towards the door.

Daphne (Into phone)(Calmly)
Hello?

SFX: The doorbell rings three more times

Daphne (Into Phone)
Could you please hold for a moment?

She covers the mouthpiece.

Daphne (Loudly)(Angry)
I’m coming! I’m bloody well coming!
Daphne (Into phone) (Calmly)
Hello? Niles? No, he’s not home at the moment. Can I take a message? I’ll have him call you as soon as he gets in. Ok, bye.

Daphne finally answers the door.

Daphne (Exasperated)
Niles!
Niles
Sorry, hun. I forgot my keys.
Daphne (No tolerance)
A Mr Thomas called. He wants you to call him back as soon as possible.

She hands the phone to Niles and then crosses back to the kitchen.

Reset to:

Int. Niles’s kitchen - continuous

Daphne cleans the mess and then continues to prepare dinner. Niles enters.

Niles
What’s for dinner?
Daphne
Lamb stew.
Niles (Fein’s enthusiasm)
Lamb stew. Oh… goody.

Daphne gives Niles a dirty look.

Niles
Did Mr Thomas say why he called?
Daphne
No. He just said to call him back.

Daphne stirs both pots and after a moment, turns around and heads towards the fridge. Niles, who is now rummaging through a cupboard, takes a step back as Daphne is crossing the room to the fridge.
Niles
Oops. Sorry Dear.

As Daphne searches for an item in the fridge, Niles takes a closer look at the lamb stew. He peers inside the pot, takes a whiff and wrinkles his nose in disgust. Daphne takes a jar from the fridge and starts back towards the stove.

Daphne (Sighs)
Niles.
Niles
Yes?
Daphne (Annoyed)
You’re in the way.
Niles
Oh, sorry.

As Niles moves out of the way, Daphne shakes her head. Niles opens another cupboard and begins rummaging. As Niles rummages through the cupboard he gets noisier and noisier. Daphne has now reached the end of her tether.

Daphne (Angry)
Niles, would you please cut that out!
Niles
Is something wrong?
Daphne (Calmly)
No, everything is fine.
Niles
Are you sure, because you don’t seem very happy?
Daphne
Do I always have to be happy?
Niles
If there’s something wrong, just tell me.
Daphne
There’s nothing wrong. Now if you don’t mind, I think I’d rather be alone.
Niles (Giving in)
Okay. But before I go…

Niles picks up the butcher knife next to Daphne’s hand and places it back in its holder. (You can never be too careful).

Niles exits.

Cut to:

Int. Niles’ living room - continuous

Daphne (O.S.) (Loudly)
Oh, damn!
Niles
If there weren’t actual food in there, I’d swear I just talked to Maris.

As we:
Fade out

Keys… Check, Seatbelt… Check. Will… Check.
Scene D

Fade in:
Int. Frasiers apartment – day – Day/2
Martin, Niles, Daphne, Frederick

Niles and Daphne sit at the couch while Martin sits in his chair. Frasier enters.

Frasier
Hello all.
Daphne
Did you have a good time at the concert?
Frasier
I might have enjoyed it more had it not been so loud. In the end I had to resort to sticking tissues in my ears. It was all I could do to stop my eardrums from bursting.
Niles
From what Freddy tells us he could have used some of those tissues to contain those pesky high altitude nosebleeds.
Frasier
Granted, the seats weren’t that good, but when the lady at the box office asked if I preferred seating or standing, I naturally assumed that seating would be preferential.
Niles
C’mon, Frasier. Even I knew that.

Frederick enters.

Frederick
Are your ears feeling better yet?
Frasier
They are much better thank you, Freddy. Once again, I’m sorry I wasn’t able to get better seats. (Then) Although I think we were probably better off sitting down. I doubt that you would have seen very much in the standing area.
Frederick
It’s called a mosh-pit, Dad. Don’t you know anything?
Frasier (Annoyed)
Apparently not!
Daphne
I never liked being in the mosh-pit. My friends would always insist on it, because we’d be closer to the band. But if you ask me, it’s not worth it. I mean, you have to stand in the same place for hours on end and then when the band does start you get pushed and shoved and usually all you can see is heads anyway. Not to mention the groping. You feel like a farm animal in a cage, just waiting to be slaughtered.
Frasier
Well, it certainly smelled that way. I mean, don’t teenagers bathe anymore. If you ask me it should be called the ‘never-wash pit’.
Frederick
Well, I’m outta hear Dad.
Frasier
What. Where are you going?
Frederick
The Movies. Today’s my last chance to see Spiderman Two.
Frasier
But I thought we were going to the art museum today.
Frederick
C’mon, Dad. We have all week to see the art museum. If I don’t see Spiderman two today I’ll be the only kid in school who hasn’t seen it.
Frasier
If this film is so important, why didn’t you see it earlier?
Frederick
Mom wouldn’t let me go.
Daphne
Because of all the violence?
Frederick
No. Mom finds the idea of someone gaining super powers after being bitten by a radioactive spider to be ludicrous.
Frasier
And just what makes you think that I want you to see this film?
Frederick
Dad!
Daphne
Oh, c’mon, Frasier. Don’t be such a party pooper.
Frasier (Giving in)
Oh, okay. Go and see your precious movie.
Frederick
Cool. Ok, I’ll catcha’s all later.

Frederick exits. A dejected Frasier crosses the room and slumps on the couch.

Frasier
It’s only been one day, and he’s already blowing me off.
Martin
That’s just what teenagers do. You and Niles were the same. I’d have something planned and at the last minute you’d bail out.
Niles
Yes, but what do you expect when you ask us to football matches and demolition derby’s.
Martin
Speaking of demolition derby’s. When do you plan to take Freddy driving?
Frasier
Well, I had planned to take him after the art museum, but since Frederick went to the movies, I suppose we’ll go after he gets back.
Martin
You know, Fras. I remember the first time I took you driving.

Martin laughs.

Martin (Cont’d)
You don’t forget a day like that.

Martin laughs again.

Niles
If I remember correctly, didn’t you somehow managed to fail the driving test twice?
Martin (Laughs)
Actually Niles, he failed the test three times. Frasier was so embarrassed he made me promise not to tell you what really happened.

Niles laughs.

Frasier
Thanks, Dad.
Martin
Don’t you laugh, Niles. You were even worse than Frasier. How you hit that shopping cart, I’ll never know. (Then) Now that was a demolition derby.
Frasier (Grinning)
Interesting.
Niles
Thanks, Dad.
Martin
Just thought I’d even the score.
Daphne
You never told me you hit a shopping cart.
Niles
Um, well…

SFX: The oven timer rings

Niles
Saved by the bell.

Daphne exits to the kitchen.

Frasier
So, you hit a shopping cart did you? How in god’s name did you hit a shopping cart? I guess that explains why the car was ‘at the shop’ for a week.
Niles
At least I didn’t fail my driving exam three times.
Martin
C’mon, you two. Do you have to fight over who the worst driver was?
Frasier
Yes, I suppose you right, dad.
Martin
Of course I’m right, because you were both as bad as each other. I never once trusted you two with my car. I kept expecting a late night phone call telling me that one of you had crashed the car.
Niles
Dad, we never trusted your car. It didn’t even have electric windows. And the less said about that god-awful upholstery the better. (Then) And if we were so bad, why didn’t you just send us to a driving school?

Daphne returns with a tray and two cups.

Martin
Why pay someone thirty bucks an hour when you can do it yourself.

Niles takes a sip of his coffee.

Niles
Um, you forgot to put sugar in this, hun.
Daphne (Annoyed)
Oh, bleedin Hell!

Daphne stands up.

Daphne (Cont’d) (Re: cup)
Give it here. I’ll put some sugar in it for you.
Niles
It’s ok, Daphne. I’ll get it
Daphne
No, no. I made the mistake I should fix it.

Niles gives in and hands back the cup. Daphne then crosses to the kitchen.

Daphne
Bloody hell, I can’t get anything right!
Martin (Baffled)
What was all that about?
Niles
Mood swings. Dr Vaughn says that they will eventually pass. I tell you, the man is a genius. He’s worth every penny.
Frasier
Yes, Roz said that he was a terrific help during her pregnancy.
Niles
Roz used Dr Vaughn?
Frasier
Yes, In fact it was my recommendation that sealed the deal.
Niles
So, did you recommend her to him or him to her?

As we:
Fade out

End of Act 1

Brake! Brake!! Brake!!!
Scene E

Fade in:
Int. Frasiers apartment - Later that day - day/2
Martin, Frasier, Frederick

Martin is sitting in his chair watching TV. Frasier and Frederick enter.

Martin
How did the driving go?
Frasier
Everything was going fine until the… mishap.
Martin (Switches of TV)
What mishap?
Frasier
We had a small, very small accident.
Martin (Nervously)
What! How small?
Frasier
Very small. There’s only a very small dent.
Frederick
I was practicing my parking and I accidentally pressed the accelerator instead of the brake.
Frasier
Which sent us directly into a brick wall. Thankfully, we were only traveling at a very low speed.
Frederick
I still can’t believe I crashed your car, Dad. I’ve never even came close too having any kind of accident before today.
Martin
I wouldn’t be too hard on yourself, Freddy. When I was first taking your uncle Niles driving he actually hit a shopping cart. And your Dad wasn’t much better either.
Frederick
He did?
Martin
Yeah. I don’t know how, but he did.
Frederick
He told me that it was Dad that hit a shopping cart.
Frasier
He did? That lying bastard!
Frederick
So it wasn’t Dad that hit a shopping cart?
Martin
No. (Then) But he did almost hit a stop sign.
Frasier (Irritated)
I was nowhere near that stop sign, Dad.
Martin
I wouldn’t let it worry you, Freddy. These things happen. I’m sure you’ll pass the test with flying colors.

Frasier begins browsing through a phone book.

Frasier
Well, I suppose I should call a body shop?
Martin
You’re going to call them now?
Frasier
Is there any reason why I shouldn’t?
Martin
It’s five o’clock on a Saturday afternoon. What do you think they have, round the clock service or something?

SFX: The phone rings

Frederick
I’ll get it.

Frederick crosses the room to answer it.

Frederick (Into phone) (Exiting)
Hi, Mom. Yeah, they were sick. The seats weren’t that good, but it was still awesome.

Frederick exits.

Martin
I told you driving school was a waste of money.
Frasier
Dad, to you everything is a waste of money. (Then) What about that hand lotion I bought you last week.
Martin
Waste of money. (Then) And sissy too.
Frasier
Well, what about the cough medicine I bought last month. You can’t say that’s a waste of money, can you?
Martin
Yes I can. I can get it three buck’s cheaper at Dan’s drug store.
Frasier
Anyway, I still think the driving school was a wise investment. Freddy was doing just fine up until then. I just hope it hasn’t shattered his confidence.
Martin
Im sure he’ll be fine. Teenagers have a certain confidence. An ‘I’m god’ attitude, if you will.
Frasier
You think so?
Martin
Yes, but it will passes. (Looks at Frasier) Well, except in very rare cases.

Frederick re-enters the living room.

Frederick (Into phone)
Yes, Mom. Ok. Yes, I will. Well… I suppose I could.

Frederick taps the mouthpiece with a pen. Frasier and Martin are oblivious to Freddy’s little scam.

Frederick (Into phone) (Cont’d)
Hold on, Mom. I have another call.

Frederick covers the mouthpiece and waits for a few moments.

Frederick (Into Phone) (Cont’d)
Sorry Mom, I have to go. There’s someone on the other line waiting to talk to Dad. Ok. Bye.

Frederick hangs up the phone.

Frasier
What about the other call?
Frederick
There was no other call. I just wanted Mom to stop talking.

As we:
Fade out

Scene F

Fade in:
Int. Frasiers apartment – Night - Day/2
Martin, Eddie, Daphne, Niles

Martin is sitting in his chair watching TV while Eddie lies asleep on Martin’s lap.

SFX: The Doorbell Rings

Martin crosses the room to answer it.

Martin
Hi, Daph.
Daphne
Hello.
Martin
Where’s Niles?
Daphne
Oh, he’ll be up in a minute. He’s talking to Frasier in the lobby.
Martin
So, I guess you heard what happened?
Daphne
Yes, the poor thing. He must feel completely humiliated. What did Lilith say?
Martin
Nothing positive, I’ll bet.
Daphne
Knowing Lilith, Freddy probably won’t ever be allowed to drive again. She can be very protective. (Then) Do you think I’ll ever be like that?
Martin
Like what?
Daphne
Do you think I’ll ever be as protective as Lilith?
Martin
All parents are protective of their children, Daphne. Some just worry more than others.
Daphne
Did you ever worry?
Martin
Well, yeah, sorta. But we never really had much to worry about because, well, you know…
Daphne
My Mum was always a bit of a worrier. She would always ask me questions like ‘where are you going’ and ‘what time will you be back’. She didn’t seem to worry about the boys much though. They would all be out drinking all night and getting into fights. One night brother Gerald came home and his hand was covered in blood. All Mum said was ‘don’t come inside, you’ll get blood all over me new carpet!’ They could do what ever they wanted just as long as they didn’t make a mess.

Martin resumes his customary position on the Barcalounger as Daphne takes a seat on the couch.
Martin
Niles tells me you had an appointment with Doctor Vaughn yesterday. How did it go?
Daphne
Well, physically everything is fine but…
Martin
But?
Daphne
Well, it’s just that I haven’t been much fun to be around these past few weeks. Everything and anything has been setting me off and I’m afraid that I’ve been using Niles as my own personal punching bag.
Martin
I’m sure Niles understands. Nobody ever said being pregnant was easy.
Daphne
It certainly isn’t.

Martin reaches into his breast pocket and fishes out a photograph.

Martin
Take a look at this.

Daphne takes in the photograph.

Martin (Cont’d)
It’s Niles. That picture was taken just after he was born
Daphne
Wow, he’s tiny.
Martin
Yeah, I thought you’d get a kick out of that. That’s what it’s all for. The morning sickness, the mood swings, the weight gain. Creating new life isn’t easy, but the rewards outweigh the hardship ten to one.

Martin takes a look at the photograph.

Martin (Cont’d)
He really was tiny, wasn’t he? I can still remember exactly how much he weighed…

There is a brief pause.

Martin (Cont’d)
Or not. But I do remember that he shot out like a rocket. I can actually remember Hester saying that she wished Frasier was that easy.
Daphne
Was Frasier a big baby?
Martin
Nah. Frasier had an unusually large head.
Daphne
Literally or figuratively?

They both laugh.

SFX: The doorbell rings

Daphne
That’ll be Niles.

She hands the photograph back to Martin and then crosses the room to answer the door.

Niles (As he enters)
Hi, Dad. Are you ready to go? The reservation is for eight thirty.
Martin
Hold on. Just let me get my wallet.

Martin exits to his room.

Niles (Checks watch)
I think I might use the bathroom before we go. Sources tell me that the Le Cigare Volant have switched to an inferior brand of toilet paper. You’d expect this kind of thing from Denny’s or McDonalds, not a classy four-star restaurant.
Daphne
Before you go, there’s something I wanted to talk to you about.
Niles
What is it?
Daphne
Well, I just wanted to apologize for the way I’ve been acting these last few weeks. It’s just that it’s been a rough couple of weeks. I’ve been taking my frustration out on you and I just wanted to say that I’m sorry.
Niles
Daphne, there’s no need to apologize. Being pregnant isn’t supposed to be easy.
Daphne
It’s just that you’ve tried so hard to make things as easy as possible for me and all I’ve done is condemn you for it.
Niles
You don’t have to explain. (Then) If I were the one carrying the child I’m sure I’d be the same.
Daphne
Yeah, you’ve got that right. You don’t even like carrying your own bags.
Niles
If I wanted to carry my own bags I would have gone to a community college with all the Larry’s and the Bob’s.

Niles crosses the room and enters the toilet. Martin re-enters.

Martin
Okay, ready when you are.
Daphne
Niles just had to make a quick toilet stop. He’ll be out in a minute.

Daphne takes one more look at the photograph.

Daphne
It’s hard to believe that something so tiny and so delicate could actually become a full-grown man.
Niles (O.S.) (Girly Scream)
Oh my God!

Niles exits the bathroom hastily.

Niles (Cont’d)
Dad, there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!
Martin
Well then, get rid of it.
Niles
And just how do suppose I do that.
Martin
How do you think? Kill the damn thing!
Niles
Kill it?!
Daphne (irritated)
Oh, for heavens sake!

Daphne crosses the room and peaks inside the bathroom.

Daphne
Niles, give me your shoe.
Niles
What for?
Daphne
So I can squash it!
Niles
Absolutely not! These are brand new Bruno Maglis.
Daphne
Oh, for Pete’s sake!

Daphne enters the bathroom.

SFX: We hear two loud bangs

Daphne exits the bathroom.

Daphne (Matter of Factly)
Problem solved.

Daphne crosses to the kitchen.

Martin (As he rises)
You know, when you have that baby people are going to have a hard time telling which one the mother is.

Daphne exits the kitchen with a dustpan and broom. She crosses the room and then enters the bathroom.

Daphne
Eddie! No, don’t eat that! Bad dog! Oh well…

Daphne and Eddie exit the bathroom.

Martin
You must be real hungry, huh boy?
Niles
I’m surprised Eddie didn’t wash that spider down with a refreshing sip from the toilet.
Martin (To Eddie)
Don’t worry, boy. We’ll bring ya’ back something.
Niles
Oh, be reasonable, Dad. The Le Cigare Volant will never be able to satisfy Eddie’s educated palate.

They exit, as we:
Fade out

Scene G
Fade in:
Int. Café Nervosa – Day - Day/1
Niles, Frasier

Frasier enters.

Niles
Hey, Frasier.
Frasier
Oh, hi Niles. (To waiter) Decaf calf thanks.
Niles
How’s the car?
Frasier
Oh, it’s fine. They said the scratch should come right out. It actually worked out quite well too because when I was at the body shop I happened to meet a very attractive woman.
Niles
Oh, really?
Frasier
Yes, we have a date tomorrow night.
Niles
So, I’ll assume the droughts over?
Frasier
Well, I wouldn’t say that the monsoons are coming.
Niles
But clouds are forming?
Frasier (Sarcastically)
And now back to you in the newsroom, Steve.

The waiter returns with Frasiers coffee.

Niles
Well, I’m happy for you, Frasier. It’s been quite a while since you had your tree trimmed. I know that your lack of a sex life has been getting you down lately.
Frasier
The story of my life.
Niles
So, where is Freddy?
Frasier
He went to the mall with one of his friends from Boston who just happened to be in town. Freddy’s been here three days and we’ve spent almost no time together. This week was supposed to be about the two of us spending time together but whenever I suggest an activity he just blows me off. No matter how hard I try, Freddy would still rather elsewhere. What more can I do?
Niles
There’s nothing you can do. Frederick is just at that age where spending time with his father is the last thing on his mind. Like Dad said, we were the same. (Then) But when your father has mutton chop sideburns and wears a polka dot bow tie I think the blame is fifty-fifty.
Frasier
It’s just hard, that’s all. One minute you’re their whole life and the next thing you know their out the door with lives of their own.
Niles
I know and if you want my advice, I don’t think that you are doing yourself any favors by thinking about all the times you weren’t there. You should be focusing on all the good times the two of you did have together.
Frasier
Yes, I suppose your right. Thanks for the advice. It really helps.
Niles
It’s my pleasure.

After a moment Frasier laughs to himself.

Niles
What’s so funny?
Frasier
Oh, I was just thinking about something that happened at the rock concert.
Niles
I still can’t believe that you actually went to a rock concert. That must have been quite a place.
Frasier
Oh, it certainly was. Do you remember last week when that large man with the tattoo’s walked into the café?
Niles
When I saw that skull tattoo I think I actually uttered the phrase, holy smokes.
Frasier
He was nothing compared to what I saw at that rock concert.
Niles
I can’t even picture the horrifying image you just painted. It’s amazing what a Father will do to be closer to his son.
Frasier (reflectively)
I tell you Niles, you’re in for one hell of a ride. In just seven month’s you’ll be embarking on one of life’s great adventures.
Niles
Can you believe it? In seven months I’m going to have a baby, well actually, Daphne’s the one that’s having the baby. I was just involved in the fun part.
Frasier
Make the most of it, because once the baby comes there won’t be any of that going on.
Niles
You’re forgetting that I did live with Maris for fifteen years. Sex for me was like trying to find water in the desert.
Frasier
Don’t you mean iceberg?

They both laugh.

Frasier
Just promise me you won’t take your child for granted. The time we have with our children is so very precious and oh so short. Cherish every second because in the blink of an eye it will all be over.
Niles
It’s just all so overwhelming. I have so much to learn, so much to prepare for.
Frasier
No amount of preparation can ever prepare you for what raising a child is really like. You could read all the books in the world and you still won’t know. Raising a child is based on instinct. Just listen to your heart.
Niles
It just seems like such a daunting task. A child is a huge responsibility. I just hope I’m ready for it.
Frasier
I know it sounds like a daunting task but when you hold your child in your arms, you’ll know what to do. And Dad and I are always available if you do have any problems.
Niles
Thanks Frasier, I really appreciate that. It’s nice to know we have people we can turn to for support.
Frasier
What are families for? (Then) I really do envy you though, Niles. For me the adventure is almost over, but for you it’s just beginning. You have so much to look forward to. You have so many good times ahead of you. There are so many memories yet to be made.
Niles
Just thinking about it gets me excited. Birthdays. Christmases. The first day of school.
Frasier
Let’s just hope it’s nothing like your first day at school. What a fiasco that was.
Niles
How do you think you would have reacted had the child sitting next to you offered to show you a dead mouse?
Frasier
Well, I do see your point.
Niles
Besides, St. Stevens only accepts the best and brightest children. I seriously doubt that any of their students would have access to a dead mouse. They do however have access to an excellent Theatre programs.
Frasier
I hear their sporting program is excellent as well.
Niles (Considering)
You know, I could actually see myself encouraging some sporting activity. Provided of course that adequate protective clothing is worn at all times.
Frasier
And assuming that all officials have adequate first aid training.
Niles
Oh, that goes without saying. I’m not a barbarian.
Frasier
It really is going to go by like that. Before you know it you’ll be the one giving driving lessons.
Niles
No, I think I would prefer my child be taught to drive by a professional. I can’t see myself being a very good instructor.
Frasier
You may be right, Niles. The Crane boys have yet to have much luck when it comes to driving.
Niles
Although, will they even have cars in sixteen years time?
Frasier (Sarcastically)
Oh, yes of course, Niles. And we’ll all live in giant bubbles on the moon.
Niles
What, you don’t think they would have developed a more efficient mode of transport in sixteen years time? Surely they would have to have come up with something.
Frasier (Sarcastically)
What, a glass-tube perhaps?

As the brothers continue to argue we:
Fade out

End of Act Two
Scene H

End Credits
Fade in:
Int. Elliot-Bay-Towers parking lot – Day - Day/4
Frederick

Frederick is in the drivers seat, deep in concentration. He looks in his rear vision-mirror and then turns hard left. As the camera pans out we see that the car is actually parked inside the Elliot Bay Towers parking garage.