TJL
10-13-2004, 09:33 PM
Ever since Hulk Hogan flexed and preened his way into our hearts with such cinematic gems as “Suburban Commando” and “Mr. Nanny,” moviegoers have anxiously awaited the arrival of another big big man in small small wrestling trunks to light up the silver screen.
Thankfully, our prayers were answered with the arrival of The Rock, a large man who coincidently looks like a rock and has the emotional range of one too. His newest action fest is “Walking Tall,” an updated version of the popular 70’s vigilante flick about a redneck sheriff with a 2x4 fetish and the cracker town he tamed.
In the new “Walking Tall” The Rock plays Chris Vaughn, a former Army guy who returns to his hometown to visit his family, reconnect with his roots, and punch a few people, time permitting. Judging by the tall pine trees and flannel clad townsfolk; Vaughn’s place of birth is either the Pacific Northwest or the L.L. Bean catalog.
Things haven’t been going so well at home since Vaughn took off for the joy and good times of armed combat. Ever since the lumber mill closed, folks have been out of work; the stores are closing down, people are losing hope. But before Springsteen can break into song about the downtrodden workingman, our muscle-bound hero figures out why everyone is so bummed.
It seems the local smarmy rich guy has everyone under his thumb, and to make matters worse, he runs the huge casino in town, tempting the good people with loose slots, crystal meth, and a fantastic $2.99 prime rib buffet – no sharing please!
Seeing a future for his town that doesn’t include kino, lapdances, and an occasional appearance from Don Rickles, The Rock grabs a hunk of lumber and starts smashing some skulls and the occasional innocent slot machine that happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Of course all good things must come to an end as our hero is busted for all the body bashing and crap table overturning. In a stunning courtroom soliloquy, The Rock puts those community college acting classes to good use by promising if he’s elected sheriff in the upcoming election, he’ll clean up the town and make life better for the 10 or 15 people not working at the casino.
Before you can say "who would elect this idiot sheriff" newly elected Sheriff The Rock brings a new type of law to the sleepy little town they failed to give a name. Aiding The Rock in his war on crime is his old high school buddy Ray, played by professional fart lighter Johnny ”Jackass” Knoxville. Together, this dynamic duo serves up some justice piping hot and fresh, with some of that sweet sweet cinnamon dipping sauce. Mmmm boy! Justice is tasty!
When the smoke clears, the evil villains are vanquished, the mill is up and running, shiny happy people are holding hands, and The Rock’s old girlfriend gives up stripping at the casino to become the sheriff’s nooner.
Sure, as glamorous and exciting as stripping can be, nothing is more dignified than being the girlfriend of a roid raged Army vet turned sheriff with a blood soaked hunk of wood hanging in the gun rack of his truck.
;)
Thankfully, our prayers were answered with the arrival of The Rock, a large man who coincidently looks like a rock and has the emotional range of one too. His newest action fest is “Walking Tall,” an updated version of the popular 70’s vigilante flick about a redneck sheriff with a 2x4 fetish and the cracker town he tamed.
In the new “Walking Tall” The Rock plays Chris Vaughn, a former Army guy who returns to his hometown to visit his family, reconnect with his roots, and punch a few people, time permitting. Judging by the tall pine trees and flannel clad townsfolk; Vaughn’s place of birth is either the Pacific Northwest or the L.L. Bean catalog.
Things haven’t been going so well at home since Vaughn took off for the joy and good times of armed combat. Ever since the lumber mill closed, folks have been out of work; the stores are closing down, people are losing hope. But before Springsteen can break into song about the downtrodden workingman, our muscle-bound hero figures out why everyone is so bummed.
It seems the local smarmy rich guy has everyone under his thumb, and to make matters worse, he runs the huge casino in town, tempting the good people with loose slots, crystal meth, and a fantastic $2.99 prime rib buffet – no sharing please!
Seeing a future for his town that doesn’t include kino, lapdances, and an occasional appearance from Don Rickles, The Rock grabs a hunk of lumber and starts smashing some skulls and the occasional innocent slot machine that happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Of course all good things must come to an end as our hero is busted for all the body bashing and crap table overturning. In a stunning courtroom soliloquy, The Rock puts those community college acting classes to good use by promising if he’s elected sheriff in the upcoming election, he’ll clean up the town and make life better for the 10 or 15 people not working at the casino.
Before you can say "who would elect this idiot sheriff" newly elected Sheriff The Rock brings a new type of law to the sleepy little town they failed to give a name. Aiding The Rock in his war on crime is his old high school buddy Ray, played by professional fart lighter Johnny ”Jackass” Knoxville. Together, this dynamic duo serves up some justice piping hot and fresh, with some of that sweet sweet cinnamon dipping sauce. Mmmm boy! Justice is tasty!
When the smoke clears, the evil villains are vanquished, the mill is up and running, shiny happy people are holding hands, and The Rock’s old girlfriend gives up stripping at the casino to become the sheriff’s nooner.
Sure, as glamorous and exciting as stripping can be, nothing is more dignified than being the girlfriend of a roid raged Army vet turned sheriff with a blood soaked hunk of wood hanging in the gun rack of his truck.
;)