TJL
08-30-2004, 09:54 PM
I’d like to kick things off with a little ditty I wrote just for this review:
(To the tune of “The Beverly Hillbillies” theme song)
Let me tell you folks a story ‘bout a creepy kinda place,
Where some stupid teens got introduced to good ol’ Leatherface.
There was blood and guts and carnage, disembowelments – how bizarre!
It’s a hootenanny at the Texas Chainsaw Massacre!
In the 1970’s, “Dallas” and “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” featured wacky Texas families and the fun fun times they had. One family had a crazy as Hell patriarch who enjoyed making people suffer and the other had a guy named Leatherface.
While no movie studio has fortunately tried to produce a remake of “Dallas,” (Casting directors take note: Lindsey Lohan would be great as uberslut Lucy Ewing) those wild Hollywood folks must have thought it would be a real hoot if they brought a new and improved “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” to the screen in 2003.
Personally, I wouldn’t mind if they made another “Cannonball Run” movie, because I can never get enough of Burt Reynolds putting a bitchslap on Dom Deluise, but nobody ever wants to talk about my needs.
Anyhoo, like the original, the remake of “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” is also set in the 1970’s. You can tell it’s the 70’s because our teen protagonists drive around in a beat up van listening to Lynard Skynard eight tracks while smoking tons of the finest Mexican weed.
The group consists of the standard victims you find in any horror fest; poor misguided youths who make bad decisions while getting picked off by a killer with a tricked out Garden Weasel. Let’s do a quick role call!
The Hot Heroine – Her overwhelming desire to fight for her survival is only outmatched by the flatness of her abs.
Hot Heroine’s Boyfriend – A likable doofus who is not nearly in the same league as his sexy galpal. Luckily he will be killed before he realizes their relationship needs some serious work.
The Stupid Guy – He’s the one who goes off to investigate the strange noise coming from the creepy house, never to bee seen in solid form again. Poor Dope. Should have stayed home that weekend and watched “Six Million Dollar Man.”
The Other Girl – She’s not allowed to be as sexy as the Hot Heroine, but she makes up for that by being easier than First Grade math. She screams a lot, which means she’s probably very needy.
The Jittery guy – He makes Barney Fife look like a Navy Seal. I really don’t know why they would invite him along; I guess he’s probably good for some gas money or figuring out how to spilt a dinner check from Denny’s five ways. Screams almost as loud as Other Girl.
Before they can consult their mood rings or say something about Nixon or Vietnam, the group picks up a crazed hitchhiker, who mutters something about some very bad people who do very bad things, and then blows her head off, probably because she realized that although she just escaped from some horrifying place, she is still in Texas.
Instead of hosing out the back seat and hauling ass for anywhere, our lunkheaded tourists run right into the waiting arms of the family that put the “fun” in dysfunctional, the crazy Hewitt clan, featuring Fangoria coverboy Leatherface, his big ass chainsaw, and his orchestra!
In the original version, Leatherface was a cannibalistic psycho who wore a mask made of human skin. In this remake, he’s a cannibalistic psycho who wears a mask of human skin for a good reason. You see, a childhood skin disease has left him a bit on the fugly side, so he carves up dim-witted motorists to make himself a handsome, chiseled new mug. Nowadays, plastic surgery could cure all of his facial woes, but this is Texas in the 1970’s, so if you’re not a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader, you’re a disfigured nutjob carving up stoners in your parents’ basement, somewhere between the bumper pool table and the Nordic Trak.
With all the run of the mill mayhem unfolding on screen, only one performance truly stands out. I’m talking of course of the tank top worn by the Hot Heroine, WB poster girl Jessica Biel. That flimsy patch of transparent cotton clings tightly to Miss Biel’s svelt figure with all the running, jumping, bouncing and jiggling she must do to avoid being turned into breakfast patties. I’ve not seen such a splendid performance from a body-hugging garment since Jennifer Love Hewitt squeezed her top-heavy torso into a child’s t-shirt for the “I Know What You Did Last Summer” movies.
Sadly, poor old Leatherboy doesn’t get the girl. She drives off screaming into the night, leaving the cannibalistic Casanova all by himself in the basement, watching Texas Ranger Games while brushing up on his two stepping.
Now the slashing and killing and flesh eating I can tolerate, but I’m sure I speak for all of us when I say the last thing we need around here is another Texas Rangers fan.
;)
(To the tune of “The Beverly Hillbillies” theme song)
Let me tell you folks a story ‘bout a creepy kinda place,
Where some stupid teens got introduced to good ol’ Leatherface.
There was blood and guts and carnage, disembowelments – how bizarre!
It’s a hootenanny at the Texas Chainsaw Massacre!
In the 1970’s, “Dallas” and “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” featured wacky Texas families and the fun fun times they had. One family had a crazy as Hell patriarch who enjoyed making people suffer and the other had a guy named Leatherface.
While no movie studio has fortunately tried to produce a remake of “Dallas,” (Casting directors take note: Lindsey Lohan would be great as uberslut Lucy Ewing) those wild Hollywood folks must have thought it would be a real hoot if they brought a new and improved “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” to the screen in 2003.
Personally, I wouldn’t mind if they made another “Cannonball Run” movie, because I can never get enough of Burt Reynolds putting a bitchslap on Dom Deluise, but nobody ever wants to talk about my needs.
Anyhoo, like the original, the remake of “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” is also set in the 1970’s. You can tell it’s the 70’s because our teen protagonists drive around in a beat up van listening to Lynard Skynard eight tracks while smoking tons of the finest Mexican weed.
The group consists of the standard victims you find in any horror fest; poor misguided youths who make bad decisions while getting picked off by a killer with a tricked out Garden Weasel. Let’s do a quick role call!
The Hot Heroine – Her overwhelming desire to fight for her survival is only outmatched by the flatness of her abs.
Hot Heroine’s Boyfriend – A likable doofus who is not nearly in the same league as his sexy galpal. Luckily he will be killed before he realizes their relationship needs some serious work.
The Stupid Guy – He’s the one who goes off to investigate the strange noise coming from the creepy house, never to bee seen in solid form again. Poor Dope. Should have stayed home that weekend and watched “Six Million Dollar Man.”
The Other Girl – She’s not allowed to be as sexy as the Hot Heroine, but she makes up for that by being easier than First Grade math. She screams a lot, which means she’s probably very needy.
The Jittery guy – He makes Barney Fife look like a Navy Seal. I really don’t know why they would invite him along; I guess he’s probably good for some gas money or figuring out how to spilt a dinner check from Denny’s five ways. Screams almost as loud as Other Girl.
Before they can consult their mood rings or say something about Nixon or Vietnam, the group picks up a crazed hitchhiker, who mutters something about some very bad people who do very bad things, and then blows her head off, probably because she realized that although she just escaped from some horrifying place, she is still in Texas.
Instead of hosing out the back seat and hauling ass for anywhere, our lunkheaded tourists run right into the waiting arms of the family that put the “fun” in dysfunctional, the crazy Hewitt clan, featuring Fangoria coverboy Leatherface, his big ass chainsaw, and his orchestra!
In the original version, Leatherface was a cannibalistic psycho who wore a mask made of human skin. In this remake, he’s a cannibalistic psycho who wears a mask of human skin for a good reason. You see, a childhood skin disease has left him a bit on the fugly side, so he carves up dim-witted motorists to make himself a handsome, chiseled new mug. Nowadays, plastic surgery could cure all of his facial woes, but this is Texas in the 1970’s, so if you’re not a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader, you’re a disfigured nutjob carving up stoners in your parents’ basement, somewhere between the bumper pool table and the Nordic Trak.
With all the run of the mill mayhem unfolding on screen, only one performance truly stands out. I’m talking of course of the tank top worn by the Hot Heroine, WB poster girl Jessica Biel. That flimsy patch of transparent cotton clings tightly to Miss Biel’s svelt figure with all the running, jumping, bouncing and jiggling she must do to avoid being turned into breakfast patties. I’ve not seen such a splendid performance from a body-hugging garment since Jennifer Love Hewitt squeezed her top-heavy torso into a child’s t-shirt for the “I Know What You Did Last Summer” movies.
Sadly, poor old Leatherboy doesn’t get the girl. She drives off screaming into the night, leaving the cannibalistic Casanova all by himself in the basement, watching Texas Ranger Games while brushing up on his two stepping.
Now the slashing and killing and flesh eating I can tolerate, but I’m sure I speak for all of us when I say the last thing we need around here is another Texas Rangers fan.
;)