Chambers
07-12-2004, 08:44 PM
Cheers Again *
Ep.#1 “Home Away From Home”
*A big thanks to barwars for suggesting this title.
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Three Years after Frasier began, we return to a little bar where everybody knows your name. We open to an exterior shot of Cheers in the early afternoon and then to the interior of the bar, where we find Sam with an old rag draped over his shoulder, wiping some glasses. A red-headed young man walks in (recall the original pilot episode).
TEASER
Fitz: A beer, please.
Sam: [looks up and smiles] Sorry, kid. Gonna have to see some ID.
Fitz: Haha, very funny. Make it a Fields.
Sam: Fields? Come on, kid – if you’re gonna try to fool me, at least make it worth your while.
Fitz: Hey – I’m not a kid! I’m…22.
Sam: Prove it, and I’ll give you the beer.
Fitz: [rolls his eyes, sighs, and hands over the ID] There. There’s your proof.
Sam: Oh…you are 22. Sorry, my mistake. Just routine, you know. You have to admit you kind of look younger…
Fitz: [gives him a dirty look] Well maybe you’re just too old.
Sam: Now wait a minute. No need to insult me! [hands him a beer and eyes the kid nervously] I’ll have you know these two gray hairs are stress-related! They have nothing to do with my old age – I mean age! I’m not as old as you think, buster.
Fitz: All right, how old are you?
Sam: …none of your business.
Fitz: Hm. That’s what I thought.
Sam: What’s that supposed to mean, huh?
Fitz: Don’t worry. I know how sensitive a guy gets about his age when he reaches 50.
Sam: Ha! I’m no where near 50!
Fitz: Oh? 60?
Sam: I’ve had just about enough of you, kid!
Fitz: Ok, ok! [condescendingly] I believe you.
Sam: Yeah right. [shows him his ID] Does that say 50? No, it doesn’t!
Fitz: Sorry, my mistake. Just routine, you know.
Sam: [grumbling] Little smart-aleck.
Fitz: Goes to show how you can’t judge a man by his appearance. For example, most people can’t believe I already moved out – I’m an independent, self-sufficient man now.
Sam: Oh? You gotta job?
Fitz: Well…I’m still working on that. But I got my own place.
Sam: I see.
Fitz: What matters is that I don’t have mommy and daddy watching over everything I do anymore.
Sam: Must be great.
Fitz: Sure is. You know- [his cell phone rings] Uh hang on. [answers] Hello? [nervously whispers into the phone] No mom, I’m fine. Where am I? …at the library. Yes, I got the brownies you sent me.
Sam: Independent and self-sufficient, huh?
Opening sequence
ACT ONE
Scene 1
We return to the bar in the late afternoon. Norm walks in.
Norm: Afternoon, everybody.
Everybody: Norm!!
Sam: Where’ve you been lately?
Norm: Stuck in the maternity ward down at Mass. Gen. [sits down at his usual seat]
Sam: Oh, Vera’s sister finally had the baby? Well, that’s great!
Carla: [exiting Sam’s office] What’s goin’ on?
Sam: Norm’s an uncle!
Carla: Oh, good for you, Norm. Kids are a great preparation for Hell.
Sam: This calls for a celebration!
Norm: Thanks guys…but uh…
Sam: Here’s one on the house. [slides Norm a beer]
Norm: Well, can’t argue with that. [drinks up]
Carla: So is it a boy or a girl?
Norm: Umm…not sure yet.
Sam: What do you mean?
Carla: Well you know how the uh…well the way the light sometimes…um…how do you say…
Sam: What do you mean, Norm?
Norm: Oh all right. The baby hasn’t exactly…technically…been born yet. She’s still in labor.
Sam: Then why did you leave?
Norms: You know how hard it is to get a beer at the maternity ward? After a couple of hours of running around looking for a drink, they asked me to leave. The janitor said he was sick of mopping up my sweat.
Sam: Vera wasn’t upset about you leaving?
Norm: She seemed pretty happy when the doctor kicked me out – even though now her sister won’t have anything to strangle between contractions. [looks over at Fitz] New to the bar?
Fitz: Yeah.
Sam: This here’s…what’s your name, kid?
Fitz: [through clenched teeth] I’m not a kid. I’m Fitz.
Carla: Aw…isn’t he precious…
Sam: No wait…that’s not what it said on your ID…what was it again?
Fitz: [sighs and says reluctantly] My real name’s Fitzgerald, but everybody calls me Fitz.
Carla: Fitzgerald? What – were your parents drunk when they named you?
Fitz: You don’t know my parents – they don’t have to be drunk to come up with brilliant idea like that.
Norm: Know where you're coming from, Fitz.
Scene 2
The camera rolls over to the left side of the bar near the entrance, focusing on Carla.
Carla: Oh, Sammy. Forgot to tell you – we need a new waitress.
Sam: What? What happened to Sondra?
Carla: She was being rude to the customers, so I fired her.
Sam: Are you crazy? What did you do that for? She had the hots for me! And who are you to judge the way she treats customers?!
Carla: Sammy! People were beginning to refer to me as “the nice one!” She just had to go.
Sam: Since when do you have the authority to fire my employees?
Carla: Well, ever since Woody went to New York and you promoted me to bartender…I assumed firing and hiring people came with the territory. I was born to do this, Sammy - especially the firing. [cackles]
Sam: No! You don’t have the authority! Now get Sondra back here!
Carla: Come on, Sam. This was only a summer job for her. She’s probably going back to college soon. We were gonna need a new waitress anyway.
Sam: Damn. Ok, that’s it. I’m never hiring any college girls again! [enters his office and slams the door behind him]
Norm: [chuckles] He should have figured that out back when – [Carla stares at him fiercely] …back when…Reagan was president.
Carla: Good, Norm. I see great improvement.
Norm: You’ve trained me well, Carla. I don’t want any more spit in my beer.
Carla: That never stopped you from drinking them.
Norm: Yeah, but it’s the thought that counts. [shudders]
Fitz: What was that about?
Norm: Old story. Carla doesn’t like anybody in the bar to mention the name Diane – this woman who used to work here…[Norm suddenly realizes what he has done. Carla takes his beer mug and tops it off with her spit. Looking down at his beer, he shrugs and drinks it all the same.] Trust me, Carla, it’s killing me inside. [Carla rolls her eyes and walks away]
Scene 3
Cut to the entrance, where Cliff has just entered.
Cliff: Hello, everybody!
Norm: Hey, Cliffie! Back from Florida, huh?
Cliff: Yep – spent some time in Orlando this time to soak up the culture.
Norm: Culture? You mean…Disney World?
Cliff: It’s an integral part of our American heritage, Normie. You should go some time.
Norm: Hm. I guess I could take my nephew…or niece.
Cliff: Oh, you’re an uncle, Normie? Well good for you! Let me buy you a beer!
Carla: No, Cliff, Vera’s sister is still in-
Norm: Carla! Let the man buy his friend a beer!
Carla: -in labor. [Norm slams his fist down]
Cliff: Oh? Well…I’ll save the beer for when the kid’s actually born.
Norm: Thanks a lot, Carla.
Cliff: Hey! You’ll never guess who I saw down in Florida.
Norm: Who?
Cliff: Rebecca and Robin!
Norm: Rebecca’s back with Robin? In [i]Florida? What’s Backseat Becky doing down there with him?
Cliff: I think they were on vacation…saw them in line at Epcot. Only eh…I don’t think they saw me…I took pictures, though! Wanna see? [Norm groans and Cliff pulls out a few pictures] There’s Rebecca…and Robin…and, oh, that’s me with eh Goofy…hehe…
Carla: Which one’s which?
Cliff: Har-har.
Norm: Cliff, Robin and Rebecca are looking right into the camera. How could they have missed you?
Cliff: Well uh…
Carla: They’re bright people. They probably pretended not to notice him.
Cliff: There’s a simple explanation for that. It’s a little known fact that the humidity down in Florida sometimes clogs the connections in your brain, thereby causing some people to forget familiar faces. It’s eh one of those weather effects.
Norm: Then how come you didn’t have any trouble recognizing them?
Carla: The weather also pretended not to notice him.
Sam: [coming out of his office] Carla! What’s this I found in the trash?? Some bartender’s application? What was it doing in the trash?
Carla: Aw, Sam, I don’t want anyone to take my place at the bar! I like being a bartender!
Norm: She likes to spit in people’s drinks, Sam. Save us.
Carla: Remember who you’re talking to, Norm! I can cut your beer supply just like that! [snaps her fingers]
Norm: Sammy, leave Carla alone!
Sam: You’re on a power trip, you know that? Come on, Carla. I need you more as a waitress. I’m giving this guy a call – he’s got years of experience. Just look at his résumé!
Carla: Damn it, Sam! I don’t mind waiting on tables, but why can’t I do both?
Sam: Sh- I’m making a call. [picks up the phone and dials] Get your apron and go wait on some tables.
Carla: But Sam-
Sam: I’ll give you a raise, ok?
Carla: All right…[gets her tray] But I can still fire people, right?
Sam: No! [returns to the phone] Hello, is this [he furrows his brow as he reads the name on the résumé]…Kennedy Jefferson Jr…The Third? [whispers to the gang] He actually wrote that part out. [returns to phone] So, I was reading your résumé… [after a pause he covers the receiver and whispers to the gang] Hey, guys! I think it’s Woody!
Fade out
ACT TWO
Scene 1
Fade in. Continuation of the previous scene.
Sam: Why do you think Woody used a fake name on this résumé? Come to think about it – why did he send a résumé at all? He knows I’d welcome him back with open arms.
Norm: Maybe his acting career in New York bombed. So is he coming over?
Sam: Yeah, I played along and asked him to come over for an interview. You know me - always eager to see an unexpected face around here.
The camera follows the back of a man’s head down the steps and into the bar, where we see Sam going over the résumé.
Sam: [looks up and sees the man standing at the entrance] Talk about unexpected…
The camera turns to face the man who happens to be none other than “Andy Andy.” Everybody gasps.
Andy: [smiles and waves] Hi there!
Sam: …Andy?
Andy: Yep, Sam. Hi, everybody!
Cliff: [whispers to Norm] Oh boy. The last thing this bar needs is a wacko!
Norm: [patting Cliff on the back] Yeah, one’s enough.
Sam: What are you doing here…Andy?
Andy: Just spending a regular afternoon at a regular bar like a regular guy! My life is finally back together, Sam.
Carla: When was it ever together?
Norm: [whispers to Carla] I wouldn’t push his buttons if I were you, Carla.
Fitz: [whispers to Norm and Cliff] What’s the deal with this guy?
Cliff: That there’s Andrew Schroeder.
Norm: He’s a murderer.
Fitz: What??
Cliff: Eh don’t worry. I’ve always had this theory that he’s actually pretty harmless.
Fitz: How’s that?
Cliff: Well I figure that after killing his first victim and attempting to kill a few other people, all that murderous energy was released – gone forever. So, nowadays, he shouldn’t be able to hurt a fly.
Andy: [unaware of what Cliff has just said, slams his fist on the bar] Gotcha, little sucker! [people stare at him; he smiles reassuringly] It was just a fly.
Cliff: Well I’ve seen enough! [quickly stands up and starts to walk away]
Sam: Say, Andy…didn’t you marry that girl you brought in here once?
Andy: She left me. Seems like nothing has changed, huh? No woman wants to give an ex-con a chance. [sits at the bar] But at least I have a steady job now.
Sam: Really? That’s great. What job?
Andy: I’m a cop! [takes off his jacket and shows them his uniform]
Carla: [sarcastically] Oh good. And I was beginning to lose faith in our police force.
Cliff: [jaw drops] You’re a- a civil servant?
Andy: Cliff, right? I remember you.
Cliff: Well, we appreciate the help you boys in blue give us down at the Postal Department. [shakes his hand]
Fitz: [whispers to Norm] How do you guys know this guy?
Norm: Well, he tried to high-jack the bar that one time, and then there was Dia-
Carla: Norm! [Norm sighs, looks down at his beer and spits in it himself]
Sam: So, Andy, what’ll it be?
Andy: Just a soda, Sam. I’m on duty tonight.
Sam: …They let you carry a gun around? Don't mean to be rude, but how do they let a guy with your history become a cop?
Andy: Well...actually I'm part of this experimental police program for ex-convicts. They're taking a chance on us by giving us jobs at the local stations. I also got a wonderful recommendation from the psychiatrist I'm currently seeing. You don’t have to worry, people – I’ve been going to see this psychiatrist for a long time now. I’m completely normal! [Sam hands him his drink and Andy starts to drop peanuts into the glass; he says to himself] Let’s see if they float.
Cliff: [walking back to Norm] Well, I’m ready to welcome him into our group.
Norm: Just because he’s wearing a uniform? I sure don’t want to be around too many of you.
Cliff: What – men in uniform?
Norm: No, psychos.
Andy: [walks over to Norm] Hey, Norm! Can I buy you a beer?
Norm: [immediately extends his hand for a shake] Welcome aboard, Andy.
Andy: [laughs fondly] Only at Cheers can an ex-con find a welcoming group of friends like this.
Paul: [walks over and pops his head between Cliff and Norm, placing his hand on Cliff’s shoulder] Yeah, we are a pretty welcoming group, aren’t we?
Cliff: [after an awkward silence] Watch the uniform.
Paul: Sorry. [he backs off]
Scene 2
[i]A man suddenly walks in wearing a long trench coat, dark glasses and a wide-brimmed hat. When he speaks his first words, it becomes obvious he's Woody.
Woody: Um, is Mr. Malone here?
Sam: Woody?
Woody: [after a pause] I don’t know who this Woody is. I’m [pulls out a piece of paper and reads] Kennedy Jefferson Jr. The-
Sam: The Third…right
Norm: Makes you wonder why he didn’t make it on Broadway, huh?
Sam: Oh come on, Woody, we all know it’s you. Take that silly hat off.
Woody: [starts to weep and walks over to Sam] Oh, Sam, I’m so sorry I left the bar! [hugs him]
Sam: Come on, Woody, what’s all this about?
Woody: [still whining] Sam, I did a horrible thing leaving you guys here to pursue my acting career in Broadway. Nobody wanted to hire me there. I wanted to come back – will you take me back?
Sam: Of course! We need our old bartender back. We missed you, Woody.
Woody: [looks at everybody and once again breaks down into tears] I missed you guys too!! [starts to hug everybody – even Andy Andy]
Fitz: [smirks] Ha! And mom calls me a cry-baby.
Paul: Welcome back, Woody! [opens his arms]
Woody: Thanks. [goes back to hug Sam again while Paul awkwardly retracts his arms]
Woody: Boy, New York is not a friendly place. People there yell at you all the time. Kelly and the baby hated it too. I’m so glad to be back! You people are my family!
Fitz: [all of a sudden starts to sob] I miss my family! [Cliff pats him on the back]
Sam: Oh, Woody – that’s Fitz.
Woody: Are you away from home, kid? I’ve been through that – left my family back in Indiana. Where do your folks live?
Fitz: …Boston.
Sam: He just moved out of his parent’s house, right, Fitz?
Fitz: [wiping his eyes] Yeah, just need a job now to complete my independence...[breaks down again] Damn it, I want to go home!
Woody: Hey, Sam, why don’t you hire him? We need somebody else to wait the tables don’t we?
Sam: Well as a matter of fact we do. What do you say, Fitz? Have you ever been a waiter?
Fitz: No…but how hard can it be?
Sam: Carla, show him the ropes, will ya?
Fitz: Wow, you mean I’ve got a job?
Carla: Precious is gonna work here? Oh great - one more loser to add to the bunch. [throws him an apron] You better not mess up, kid!
Sam: Come on, Woody. Get behind the bar.
Woody: [jumps behind the bar] What’ll it be, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: [puts down the empty glass and stands up] Well, I better be getting back to the hospital. How about one for the road? Or better yet - make it two. Aw hell, they don't need me over there. [sits back down] Keep 'em coming, Woody!
Music plays as the camera pans out to show the bar bustling with people, just like old times.
THE END
Ep.#1 “Home Away From Home”
*A big thanks to barwars for suggesting this title.
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Three Years after Frasier began, we return to a little bar where everybody knows your name. We open to an exterior shot of Cheers in the early afternoon and then to the interior of the bar, where we find Sam with an old rag draped over his shoulder, wiping some glasses. A red-headed young man walks in (recall the original pilot episode).
TEASER
Fitz: A beer, please.
Sam: [looks up and smiles] Sorry, kid. Gonna have to see some ID.
Fitz: Haha, very funny. Make it a Fields.
Sam: Fields? Come on, kid – if you’re gonna try to fool me, at least make it worth your while.
Fitz: Hey – I’m not a kid! I’m…22.
Sam: Prove it, and I’ll give you the beer.
Fitz: [rolls his eyes, sighs, and hands over the ID] There. There’s your proof.
Sam: Oh…you are 22. Sorry, my mistake. Just routine, you know. You have to admit you kind of look younger…
Fitz: [gives him a dirty look] Well maybe you’re just too old.
Sam: Now wait a minute. No need to insult me! [hands him a beer and eyes the kid nervously] I’ll have you know these two gray hairs are stress-related! They have nothing to do with my old age – I mean age! I’m not as old as you think, buster.
Fitz: All right, how old are you?
Sam: …none of your business.
Fitz: Hm. That’s what I thought.
Sam: What’s that supposed to mean, huh?
Fitz: Don’t worry. I know how sensitive a guy gets about his age when he reaches 50.
Sam: Ha! I’m no where near 50!
Fitz: Oh? 60?
Sam: I’ve had just about enough of you, kid!
Fitz: Ok, ok! [condescendingly] I believe you.
Sam: Yeah right. [shows him his ID] Does that say 50? No, it doesn’t!
Fitz: Sorry, my mistake. Just routine, you know.
Sam: [grumbling] Little smart-aleck.
Fitz: Goes to show how you can’t judge a man by his appearance. For example, most people can’t believe I already moved out – I’m an independent, self-sufficient man now.
Sam: Oh? You gotta job?
Fitz: Well…I’m still working on that. But I got my own place.
Sam: I see.
Fitz: What matters is that I don’t have mommy and daddy watching over everything I do anymore.
Sam: Must be great.
Fitz: Sure is. You know- [his cell phone rings] Uh hang on. [answers] Hello? [nervously whispers into the phone] No mom, I’m fine. Where am I? …at the library. Yes, I got the brownies you sent me.
Sam: Independent and self-sufficient, huh?
Opening sequence
ACT ONE
Scene 1
We return to the bar in the late afternoon. Norm walks in.
Norm: Afternoon, everybody.
Everybody: Norm!!
Sam: Where’ve you been lately?
Norm: Stuck in the maternity ward down at Mass. Gen. [sits down at his usual seat]
Sam: Oh, Vera’s sister finally had the baby? Well, that’s great!
Carla: [exiting Sam’s office] What’s goin’ on?
Sam: Norm’s an uncle!
Carla: Oh, good for you, Norm. Kids are a great preparation for Hell.
Sam: This calls for a celebration!
Norm: Thanks guys…but uh…
Sam: Here’s one on the house. [slides Norm a beer]
Norm: Well, can’t argue with that. [drinks up]
Carla: So is it a boy or a girl?
Norm: Umm…not sure yet.
Sam: What do you mean?
Carla: Well you know how the uh…well the way the light sometimes…um…how do you say…
Sam: What do you mean, Norm?
Norm: Oh all right. The baby hasn’t exactly…technically…been born yet. She’s still in labor.
Sam: Then why did you leave?
Norms: You know how hard it is to get a beer at the maternity ward? After a couple of hours of running around looking for a drink, they asked me to leave. The janitor said he was sick of mopping up my sweat.
Sam: Vera wasn’t upset about you leaving?
Norm: She seemed pretty happy when the doctor kicked me out – even though now her sister won’t have anything to strangle between contractions. [looks over at Fitz] New to the bar?
Fitz: Yeah.
Sam: This here’s…what’s your name, kid?
Fitz: [through clenched teeth] I’m not a kid. I’m Fitz.
Carla: Aw…isn’t he precious…
Sam: No wait…that’s not what it said on your ID…what was it again?
Fitz: [sighs and says reluctantly] My real name’s Fitzgerald, but everybody calls me Fitz.
Carla: Fitzgerald? What – were your parents drunk when they named you?
Fitz: You don’t know my parents – they don’t have to be drunk to come up with brilliant idea like that.
Norm: Know where you're coming from, Fitz.
Scene 2
The camera rolls over to the left side of the bar near the entrance, focusing on Carla.
Carla: Oh, Sammy. Forgot to tell you – we need a new waitress.
Sam: What? What happened to Sondra?
Carla: She was being rude to the customers, so I fired her.
Sam: Are you crazy? What did you do that for? She had the hots for me! And who are you to judge the way she treats customers?!
Carla: Sammy! People were beginning to refer to me as “the nice one!” She just had to go.
Sam: Since when do you have the authority to fire my employees?
Carla: Well, ever since Woody went to New York and you promoted me to bartender…I assumed firing and hiring people came with the territory. I was born to do this, Sammy - especially the firing. [cackles]
Sam: No! You don’t have the authority! Now get Sondra back here!
Carla: Come on, Sam. This was only a summer job for her. She’s probably going back to college soon. We were gonna need a new waitress anyway.
Sam: Damn. Ok, that’s it. I’m never hiring any college girls again! [enters his office and slams the door behind him]
Norm: [chuckles] He should have figured that out back when – [Carla stares at him fiercely] …back when…Reagan was president.
Carla: Good, Norm. I see great improvement.
Norm: You’ve trained me well, Carla. I don’t want any more spit in my beer.
Carla: That never stopped you from drinking them.
Norm: Yeah, but it’s the thought that counts. [shudders]
Fitz: What was that about?
Norm: Old story. Carla doesn’t like anybody in the bar to mention the name Diane – this woman who used to work here…[Norm suddenly realizes what he has done. Carla takes his beer mug and tops it off with her spit. Looking down at his beer, he shrugs and drinks it all the same.] Trust me, Carla, it’s killing me inside. [Carla rolls her eyes and walks away]
Scene 3
Cut to the entrance, where Cliff has just entered.
Cliff: Hello, everybody!
Norm: Hey, Cliffie! Back from Florida, huh?
Cliff: Yep – spent some time in Orlando this time to soak up the culture.
Norm: Culture? You mean…Disney World?
Cliff: It’s an integral part of our American heritage, Normie. You should go some time.
Norm: Hm. I guess I could take my nephew…or niece.
Cliff: Oh, you’re an uncle, Normie? Well good for you! Let me buy you a beer!
Carla: No, Cliff, Vera’s sister is still in-
Norm: Carla! Let the man buy his friend a beer!
Carla: -in labor. [Norm slams his fist down]
Cliff: Oh? Well…I’ll save the beer for when the kid’s actually born.
Norm: Thanks a lot, Carla.
Cliff: Hey! You’ll never guess who I saw down in Florida.
Norm: Who?
Cliff: Rebecca and Robin!
Norm: Rebecca’s back with Robin? In [i]Florida? What’s Backseat Becky doing down there with him?
Cliff: I think they were on vacation…saw them in line at Epcot. Only eh…I don’t think they saw me…I took pictures, though! Wanna see? [Norm groans and Cliff pulls out a few pictures] There’s Rebecca…and Robin…and, oh, that’s me with eh Goofy…hehe…
Carla: Which one’s which?
Cliff: Har-har.
Norm: Cliff, Robin and Rebecca are looking right into the camera. How could they have missed you?
Cliff: Well uh…
Carla: They’re bright people. They probably pretended not to notice him.
Cliff: There’s a simple explanation for that. It’s a little known fact that the humidity down in Florida sometimes clogs the connections in your brain, thereby causing some people to forget familiar faces. It’s eh one of those weather effects.
Norm: Then how come you didn’t have any trouble recognizing them?
Carla: The weather also pretended not to notice him.
Sam: [coming out of his office] Carla! What’s this I found in the trash?? Some bartender’s application? What was it doing in the trash?
Carla: Aw, Sam, I don’t want anyone to take my place at the bar! I like being a bartender!
Norm: She likes to spit in people’s drinks, Sam. Save us.
Carla: Remember who you’re talking to, Norm! I can cut your beer supply just like that! [snaps her fingers]
Norm: Sammy, leave Carla alone!
Sam: You’re on a power trip, you know that? Come on, Carla. I need you more as a waitress. I’m giving this guy a call – he’s got years of experience. Just look at his résumé!
Carla: Damn it, Sam! I don’t mind waiting on tables, but why can’t I do both?
Sam: Sh- I’m making a call. [picks up the phone and dials] Get your apron and go wait on some tables.
Carla: But Sam-
Sam: I’ll give you a raise, ok?
Carla: All right…[gets her tray] But I can still fire people, right?
Sam: No! [returns to the phone] Hello, is this [he furrows his brow as he reads the name on the résumé]…Kennedy Jefferson Jr…The Third? [whispers to the gang] He actually wrote that part out. [returns to phone] So, I was reading your résumé… [after a pause he covers the receiver and whispers to the gang] Hey, guys! I think it’s Woody!
Fade out
ACT TWO
Scene 1
Fade in. Continuation of the previous scene.
Sam: Why do you think Woody used a fake name on this résumé? Come to think about it – why did he send a résumé at all? He knows I’d welcome him back with open arms.
Norm: Maybe his acting career in New York bombed. So is he coming over?
Sam: Yeah, I played along and asked him to come over for an interview. You know me - always eager to see an unexpected face around here.
The camera follows the back of a man’s head down the steps and into the bar, where we see Sam going over the résumé.
Sam: [looks up and sees the man standing at the entrance] Talk about unexpected…
The camera turns to face the man who happens to be none other than “Andy Andy.” Everybody gasps.
Andy: [smiles and waves] Hi there!
Sam: …Andy?
Andy: Yep, Sam. Hi, everybody!
Cliff: [whispers to Norm] Oh boy. The last thing this bar needs is a wacko!
Norm: [patting Cliff on the back] Yeah, one’s enough.
Sam: What are you doing here…Andy?
Andy: Just spending a regular afternoon at a regular bar like a regular guy! My life is finally back together, Sam.
Carla: When was it ever together?
Norm: [whispers to Carla] I wouldn’t push his buttons if I were you, Carla.
Fitz: [whispers to Norm and Cliff] What’s the deal with this guy?
Cliff: That there’s Andrew Schroeder.
Norm: He’s a murderer.
Fitz: What??
Cliff: Eh don’t worry. I’ve always had this theory that he’s actually pretty harmless.
Fitz: How’s that?
Cliff: Well I figure that after killing his first victim and attempting to kill a few other people, all that murderous energy was released – gone forever. So, nowadays, he shouldn’t be able to hurt a fly.
Andy: [unaware of what Cliff has just said, slams his fist on the bar] Gotcha, little sucker! [people stare at him; he smiles reassuringly] It was just a fly.
Cliff: Well I’ve seen enough! [quickly stands up and starts to walk away]
Sam: Say, Andy…didn’t you marry that girl you brought in here once?
Andy: She left me. Seems like nothing has changed, huh? No woman wants to give an ex-con a chance. [sits at the bar] But at least I have a steady job now.
Sam: Really? That’s great. What job?
Andy: I’m a cop! [takes off his jacket and shows them his uniform]
Carla: [sarcastically] Oh good. And I was beginning to lose faith in our police force.
Cliff: [jaw drops] You’re a- a civil servant?
Andy: Cliff, right? I remember you.
Cliff: Well, we appreciate the help you boys in blue give us down at the Postal Department. [shakes his hand]
Fitz: [whispers to Norm] How do you guys know this guy?
Norm: Well, he tried to high-jack the bar that one time, and then there was Dia-
Carla: Norm! [Norm sighs, looks down at his beer and spits in it himself]
Sam: So, Andy, what’ll it be?
Andy: Just a soda, Sam. I’m on duty tonight.
Sam: …They let you carry a gun around? Don't mean to be rude, but how do they let a guy with your history become a cop?
Andy: Well...actually I'm part of this experimental police program for ex-convicts. They're taking a chance on us by giving us jobs at the local stations. I also got a wonderful recommendation from the psychiatrist I'm currently seeing. You don’t have to worry, people – I’ve been going to see this psychiatrist for a long time now. I’m completely normal! [Sam hands him his drink and Andy starts to drop peanuts into the glass; he says to himself] Let’s see if they float.
Cliff: [walking back to Norm] Well, I’m ready to welcome him into our group.
Norm: Just because he’s wearing a uniform? I sure don’t want to be around too many of you.
Cliff: What – men in uniform?
Norm: No, psychos.
Andy: [walks over to Norm] Hey, Norm! Can I buy you a beer?
Norm: [immediately extends his hand for a shake] Welcome aboard, Andy.
Andy: [laughs fondly] Only at Cheers can an ex-con find a welcoming group of friends like this.
Paul: [walks over and pops his head between Cliff and Norm, placing his hand on Cliff’s shoulder] Yeah, we are a pretty welcoming group, aren’t we?
Cliff: [after an awkward silence] Watch the uniform.
Paul: Sorry. [he backs off]
Scene 2
[i]A man suddenly walks in wearing a long trench coat, dark glasses and a wide-brimmed hat. When he speaks his first words, it becomes obvious he's Woody.
Woody: Um, is Mr. Malone here?
Sam: Woody?
Woody: [after a pause] I don’t know who this Woody is. I’m [pulls out a piece of paper and reads] Kennedy Jefferson Jr. The-
Sam: The Third…right
Norm: Makes you wonder why he didn’t make it on Broadway, huh?
Sam: Oh come on, Woody, we all know it’s you. Take that silly hat off.
Woody: [starts to weep and walks over to Sam] Oh, Sam, I’m so sorry I left the bar! [hugs him]
Sam: Come on, Woody, what’s all this about?
Woody: [still whining] Sam, I did a horrible thing leaving you guys here to pursue my acting career in Broadway. Nobody wanted to hire me there. I wanted to come back – will you take me back?
Sam: Of course! We need our old bartender back. We missed you, Woody.
Woody: [looks at everybody and once again breaks down into tears] I missed you guys too!! [starts to hug everybody – even Andy Andy]
Fitz: [smirks] Ha! And mom calls me a cry-baby.
Paul: Welcome back, Woody! [opens his arms]
Woody: Thanks. [goes back to hug Sam again while Paul awkwardly retracts his arms]
Woody: Boy, New York is not a friendly place. People there yell at you all the time. Kelly and the baby hated it too. I’m so glad to be back! You people are my family!
Fitz: [all of a sudden starts to sob] I miss my family! [Cliff pats him on the back]
Sam: Oh, Woody – that’s Fitz.
Woody: Are you away from home, kid? I’ve been through that – left my family back in Indiana. Where do your folks live?
Fitz: …Boston.
Sam: He just moved out of his parent’s house, right, Fitz?
Fitz: [wiping his eyes] Yeah, just need a job now to complete my independence...[breaks down again] Damn it, I want to go home!
Woody: Hey, Sam, why don’t you hire him? We need somebody else to wait the tables don’t we?
Sam: Well as a matter of fact we do. What do you say, Fitz? Have you ever been a waiter?
Fitz: No…but how hard can it be?
Sam: Carla, show him the ropes, will ya?
Fitz: Wow, you mean I’ve got a job?
Carla: Precious is gonna work here? Oh great - one more loser to add to the bunch. [throws him an apron] You better not mess up, kid!
Sam: Come on, Woody. Get behind the bar.
Woody: [jumps behind the bar] What’ll it be, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: [puts down the empty glass and stands up] Well, I better be getting back to the hospital. How about one for the road? Or better yet - make it two. Aw hell, they don't need me over there. [sits back down] Keep 'em coming, Woody!
Music plays as the camera pans out to show the bar bustling with people, just like old times.
THE END