Moondance
07-07-2004, 08:20 PM
Just Another Di
By: S. Wilhelmina Feenster
ACT ONE
Scene A
INT. CHEERS BAR – NIGHT – NIGHT/1
[Diane, Sam, Norm, Cliff, Woody]
Diane is finishing cleaning up the tables. Norm and Cliff polished off their beer mugs before going home.
Sam: [to Cliff and Norm] Alright, you two. It’s after two-thirty; closing time.
Cliff: Sammy, do you mind me staying here tonight?
Sam: Why?
Cliff: Well, ma bought a Doberman and she hates me.
Woody: Your mother hates you?
Norm: No, Woody. Cliff is talking about the dog.
Woody: Oh.
Cliff: Yeah, and, err, you know about me and the K-9 species. They smell a mailman and you know the rest…
Woody: What’s the rest, Mr. Clavin?
Norm: Well…this is my cue to exit.
Sam: Diane, are you about ready to go?
Diane: Sam, may I have a word with you?
Sam: Just one word?
Cliff: [terrified look on his face] I’m going home, now. [Norm is leaving the bar, but Cliff is catching up to him] Walk me home, Normie?
Norm: Ah, what are friends for? [before leaving] But you’re buying me a beer tomorrow. [leaves]
Sam: You can go now, Woody.
Woody: Thanks, Sam. [as he’s walking to the door] It’s going to bug me tonight trying to figure out what K-9’s do to mailmen.
Diane grins at Woody.
Cut to:
Scene B
INT. CHEERS BAR – NIGHT – NIGHT/1
[Diane, Sam]
Diane walks Sam over to one of the tables where they sit down. Diane takes his hand, coyly.
Sam: What is it, Diane?
Diane: I need to ask you a favor.
Sam: I’m not giving you my liver.
Diane: [hits him on his arm] Oh, Sam! I’m serious.
Sam: So was I. [Diane kicks him from under the table] Ouch!
Diane: Now, listen. A friend of mine is flying here from France and she’ll be arriving tomorrow afternoon. I need you to let me off work early so that I may treat her to Boston culture.
Sam: Isn’t the bar enough culture treatment?
Diane: [piercing her lips firmly] Sam Malone, I’ll take that derogatory retort and erase it from my mind. You, of all people, should know better, but even that could be hard to believe.
Sam: So how long will she be here?
Diane: Through the weekend.
Sam: Does she speak English?
Diane: [bothered] Yes. [beat] She’s originally from Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
Sam: [smiles] Oh! They’ve got real nice breweries there.
Diane: [rolls eyes] I’m sure. [beat] Oh, Sam. You have the sophistication of a flea; perhaps why you attract them so easily.
Sam: [callous] Ha, ha! You’re real cute, Diane.
Diane: [smugly] Touché, Sam, touché.
Fade to:
Scene C
INT. CHEERS BAR – DAY – DAY/2
[Sam, Diane, Cliff, Woody, Carla, Diana Von Squiggman]
Carla is at the bar telling her orders to Sam. Diane is waiting on tables, describing every moment from her last trip to France. Cliff staggers in and sits at the bar. Woody places cheese doodles in front of Cliff.
Woody: Hey, Mr. Clavin. [smiles] I was thinking about what you said last night about your dog.
Cliff: Please, Woody, don’t mention that beast’s name.
Carla: [passing by; stops and looks at Diane] I’ve been trying to tell you dorks that for years.
Diane and Carla exchange grimacing stares.
Woody: What happened, Mr. Clavin.
Cliff: It’s too painful to talk about.
Woody: Oh, you got bit?
Cliff: No, but if you must know, I slept in the garage last night.
Carla: [standing next to him] How is that different from any other night?
A beautiful woman, Diana Von Squiggman, enters the bar; Sam spots her immediately. He leaps over the bar and turns on his charm.
Sam: Hello. [takes her hand] I’m Sam Malone.
Diana Von Squiggman: Bonjour.
Sam: [smiles with excitement] Bonjour? That must be French for “take me to your place.”
Diana: [laughs] You’re funny. Diane told me about you.
Sam: [puzzled] She did?
Diana: But she never mentioned your sense of humor.
Sam: Well, that’s not the only thing I’m good at.
Sam gets close enough to smell her. Diane notices from afar and quickly runs over to them.
Diane: Sam, [gets between them] I see you’ve met my friend Diana.
Sam: Your name is “Diane” too?
Diane: No, Sam. [condescending] It’s Dian-a, with an “a,” not an “e.” [takes Diana on the front step of the entrance] Toute le monde! Attention everyone! [clasps her hands in front of her] I traveled many, nay, thousands of miles across the Atlantic en route Europe, where I first met Diana Von Squiggman; a young, sweet, naïve, yet strong-willed woman, who taught me to constitute adverseness; giving me inner-strength to enter the next standpoint of my life. [smiles at Sam]
Carla: [slams her tray on the bar] Oh great! Another Diane clone! [falls to the floor]
Fade to:
Scene D
INT. CHEERS BAR – EARLY EVENING – NIGHT/2
[Frasier, Lilith, Woody, Norm, Cliff, Sam, Diane]
Frasier runs into the bar petrified.
Frasier: Hide me!
Woody: Is this like “hide and go seek?” [Frasier crawls under a table; Woody grins] Oh, I see. I was right. I used to play this game with the other kids in Hanover. [to Sam] So, who’s counting?
Frasier: [fuming] Oh for God sakes, Woody! This is no joke!
Diane sits at the side of the bar reading one of her psychology novels, occasionally adverting her eyes to the spectacle.
Sam: Come on, Frasier. Get out from under that table. What could be so horrible to…?
Lilith enters the bar; displaying a frosty disposition.
Everyone: [repulsive tone] Lilith! [Lilith stands there like a stiff board]
Lilith: [moves to the bar] Sam, have you seen Frasier?
Sam: [nervously] Frasier? [turns and asks the bar] Do any of you know Frasier?
Everyone: [adlibs] No. Frasier who?
Woody: Sure you do, Sam. You were just talking to him under… [Sam covers his mouth]
Lilith: Under what? [beat] Sam, your vast array of cynicism is, in fact, vexatious.
Sam: Well, you know how Woody is, Lilith…
Frasier: [crawling out from under the table] It’s alright, Sam. I surrender.
Lilith: Frasier, this implausible act to recreate your adolescence has caused an embarrassment to you and your profession. I suggest you leave here now, rather than make a bigger ass of yourself.
Frasier: Yes, dear.
Lilith: [on the way out the door] Now when we get home, I want to you find my lab rat.
Fade Out:
Scene E
INT. FRASIER AND LILITH’S HOUSE – NIGHT – NIGHT/2
[Frasier, Lilith, Diane, Diana]
Fade in:
Frasier is down on his hands and knees looking under the couch.
Frasier: I’m sorry, peach blossom, but I don’t see Sigmund anywhere.
Lilith: [O.S.] Keep looking.
Frasier: Yes, dear. [crawls around on the floor; phone rings; annoyed] Cherub, could you get the phone?
Lilith: [O.S.] No.
Frasier: [gets up] Damn that woman.
Lilith: [O.S.] I heard that.
Frasier: [picks up the phone] Hello… Why would I care about my refrigerator when I have a perfectly frigid girlfriend in the next room? ... [Lilith walks in] I’m sorry but we already subscribe to “Psychology Weekly.” [hangs up the phone]
Frasier gets back down on the floor and puts his head under the coffee table.
Lilith: [sees the rat scamper into the next room] Sigmund!
Frasier: Where? [bumps his head under the coffee table] Ouch! [rubs the back of his head.
Lilith: Don’t just sit there, Frasier, get him.
Frasier: [fuming] Why don’t you “get” him yourself?
Lilith: Frasier, surely you jest.
Frasier: [sarcasm] Of course. What was I thinking? You’re incapable of any human acts.
The door bells rings.
Frasier: [Cont’d] Are you going to get that or shall I?
Lilith walks to the door and answers it. Diane stands in front of Lilith with Diana by her side.
Diane: Hello, Lilith. May we come in?
Lilith: [throws her hands up, as if saying, “do I have a choice?”] Sure. Why not?
Diane: I hope we’re not disturbing you.
Lilith: [sarcasm] Heavens, no. We welcome unexpected visitors for night caps.
Diane: I noticed you and Frasier left the bar impeccably early this evening. You didn’t have a chance to meet my friend, Diana Von Squiggman.
Lilith: [quizzically] Why does that name sound familiar?
Diane: She’s a literary genius. Did you know that she once gave tours at Le Louvre: palais et musée?
Lilith: [acting interested] Oh?
Diane: From the brilliant works of Michelangelo, to the literary écritures of Faulkner. Diana Von Squiggman has lived the poet’s dream.
Lilith: [takes them into the living room] Sit. [silence] Excuse the disorderliness; usually our home is completely immaculate.
Diana: It’s a lovely home.
Lilith: Thank you. [silence]
Frasier: [O.S.] I found him, Dove bar!
Lilith: [walks over to the piano] Frasier, dear. We have guests.
Frasier: [O.S.] Just one second. I’m putting Sigmund back in his—OUCH!
Lilith goes into the next room where Frasier is.
Lilith: [O.S.] Frasier, are you inept to maintaining control of a diminutive lab rat? Hand Sigmund to me.
Frasier: [O.S.] He got away.
Lilith: [O.S.; hysterical] What do you mean he got away?! You said you found him!! [all of a sudden there’s a loud clang] Go to hell you insensitive bastard!
Diane screams.
Frasier and Lilith rush back into the living room. Frasier’s head is inside the rat cage; unable to get out.
Lilith: What happened in here?
Diane: [catching her breath] I thought I saw something.
Lilth: Sigmund?
Diane: [distress] It was either an awfully small speckled dog or a r-r-rat.
Lilith: Sigmund! Diane, did you see which way he went?
Diane: [points to the kitchen] I think he went in there.
Lilith exits to the kitchen.
Frasier: Oh, thank God. [goes upstairs with the cage still on his head]
Diana: [to Diane] Was that Dr. Frasier Crane? The one you introduced me to a few years ago?
Diane: Yes, as a matter a fact, it was.
Diana: [feeling uncomfortable] I better go.
Diane: Why on earth for? Are you ill?
Diana: I can’t explain. Please—if I stay it could lead to disaster. Tell Dr. Sternin I’m dreadfully sorry for being rude like this, [looks into Diane’s confused eyes] but it’s for the best. Trust me on this. [beat] I’ll call for a cab.
Diane progresses to the door. Frasier returns from upstairs, humming a classical tune.
Frasier: [sees Diana and Diane at the door] Hello. I hope you’re not leaving on Lilith’s account. She scares everybody. [starts to laugh] She was once asked to haunt a house. [laughs more]
Diana: No, please. Dr. Sternin is very nice.
Frasier: You must have been deprived as a young seed.
Diana: [anxious to leave] Yes, well…
Frasier: You look so familiar. Have we met before?
Diane: Don’t you remember, Frasier? We met Diana in Paris.
Frasier: That’s where I remember you from. You were the tour guide at Le Louvre—Oh dear God! You have to go now! [pushes Diane and Diana out the door]
Diane: Frasier, no. You aren’t being hospitable to your guests.
Frasier: Diane, you don’t understand. Lilith knows about Diana Von Squiggman.
Diane: You remembered her name awfully fast.
Frasier: How could I forget it? I must have screamed it in my sleep when I was in bed with you…
Diane: I thought that was my name you were saying.
Frasier: Diane, that’s beside the point. Lilith knows about Diana, and I’m forbidden to talk about her ever again. You must go.
Lilith: Frasier, must you be so churlish? Our guests are supposed to be in the living room enjoying our in depth conversation.
Frasier: But— [Lilith gives Frasier the cold stare] Yes, dear.
Lilith: You’ve “Yes, dear-ed” me already today. Can’t you think of something more demiurgic?
Frasier: [under his breath] How about “swine?”
Fade to:
Scene F
INT. FRASIER AND LILITH’S HOUSE – NIGHT – NIGHT/2
[Frasier, Lilith, Diane, Diana, Sam]
Lilith: Diana, enlighten us. How did you and Diane meet?
Diane: Diana was attending the National Organization of Literary Artists.
Lilith: N.O.L.A - I found that to be a derogatory group of selfish over indulged hypocrites, who only cared about manipulating others into believing that literature was mere manifestation.
Diane: Manifestation? I have you know that—
Lilith: Diane, my words were sorely to Diana.
Diane straightened her skirt out and listened.
Lilith: Where are you from?
Diana: I’m originally from Paris, France. [Frasier enters]
Lilith: I remember Frasier taking me there last spring. It’s lovely that time of year.
Diana: I must confess…
Frasier: [hysterically, running into the room] Diana, no! You mustn’t tell Lilith!
Lilith: Tell Lilith what, darling?
Frasier: Nothing, dear.
Lilith: Frasier, you’ve been acting rather eccentric this evening. Do you care to elaborate?
Frasier: Well—I put Sigmund back in his cage.
Lilith: I hate when you change the subject.
Diane: [stands up] May I suggest…
Frasier/Lilith: Shut up!
Lilith: I’m waiting for an explanation, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Perhaps it was something I ate.
Lilith: [livid] Oh? Are you suggesting that my cooking made you ill?
Frasier: Well, of course not; [nervously] Never.
Diane: [walks over to them] Lilith – Frasier loves you. Whatever happened between him and Diana in Paris, that’s all in the past now, right? [stomps her feet in a fit of anger] I still can’t believe you cheated on me with my friend!
Lilith purses her lips firmly as she gives Frasier the “death” stare.
Frasier: [as Diane saunters into the living room, murmuring to herself] If I’m not mistaken, you were the one who left me standing at the alter, for Sam Malone, so you could live your life long dream as Mrs. Barmaid!
Lilith: [astonished] That’s her? The woman you almost stayed in Paris with? The one you nicknamed, “Princess Di?”
Frasier: [takes out hanky, puts it to his mouth] Yes… but, peach blossom, I can explain.
Lilith: [sternly] It wasn’t enough that you lied to me about living with Diane, but now you attempt to manipulate my intelligence by inducing a menagerie of lies and fabrication.
Frasier: This was two years ago, for God sakes. I didn’t even know you then.
Lilith: I suppose if you had, we wouldn’t be standing here at this moment whilst you feed me more of your fictional preludes.
Frasier: Must you be so domineering?
Lilith: I must.
Diane: I can’t help but feel…
Lilith: [commanding voice] Go away. [Diane backs away]
Frasier: Lilith, you’re the only woman I love.
Lilith: And you’re the only man whom I, during this primal moment, would take vast enjoyment in dismembering your callous psyche and replenishing it with cyanide.
Frasier: You’ve always had a way with words.
Diana: I don’t want to be the reason for you and Dr. Sternin’s problems.
Lilith: [arms folded] It’s a little late for that.
Diana: If you would please allow me to tell you what really happened in Paris. [Lilith sits down] I had just come off a difficult breakup with a Milwaukee beer truck driver and thought that a love like that would be pretty hard to find again. [looks over at Frasier] Then one day, I was giving tours at Le Louvre and – I met Frasier. He asked me out for coffee – I honestly thought we hit it off right away, but all the time I was sitting there with this sweet, sweet man – I couldn’t help but think about Lenny.
Lilith: Another beguiled soul to prey upon.
Diana: Dr. Sternin, I had no intentions what so ever to prey upon anyone.
Lilith: So you’re saying that Frasier was a mere adjacent to you adolescent rebound tactics.
Diana: I needed someone to talk to, is that such a crime?
Frasier: Lilith, my little strawberry…
Lilith: Frasier, I hope your reasoning carries more than your choice of pet names.
Frasier: Oh?
Lilith: Yes, darling, you know how I break out if I eat strawberries.
Frasier: Wait a minute. You just called me “darling.”
Lilith: No, I didn’t.
Frasier: Yes you did.
Diane: [sighs] How love springs eternal.
Frasier: I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about Diana.
Lilith: And I’m sorry you ever had to coexist in Europe with Diane Chambers.
Frasier: [peevishly] Oh, me, too. Forgive me?
Lilith: Oh, Frasier, love of my life, how could I ever stay mad at you?
As Frasier and Lilith embrace and kiss, Diane and Diana leave their home blissfully.
The End
By: S. Wilhelmina Feenster
ACT ONE
Scene A
INT. CHEERS BAR – NIGHT – NIGHT/1
[Diane, Sam, Norm, Cliff, Woody]
Diane is finishing cleaning up the tables. Norm and Cliff polished off their beer mugs before going home.
Sam: [to Cliff and Norm] Alright, you two. It’s after two-thirty; closing time.
Cliff: Sammy, do you mind me staying here tonight?
Sam: Why?
Cliff: Well, ma bought a Doberman and she hates me.
Woody: Your mother hates you?
Norm: No, Woody. Cliff is talking about the dog.
Woody: Oh.
Cliff: Yeah, and, err, you know about me and the K-9 species. They smell a mailman and you know the rest…
Woody: What’s the rest, Mr. Clavin?
Norm: Well…this is my cue to exit.
Sam: Diane, are you about ready to go?
Diane: Sam, may I have a word with you?
Sam: Just one word?
Cliff: [terrified look on his face] I’m going home, now. [Norm is leaving the bar, but Cliff is catching up to him] Walk me home, Normie?
Norm: Ah, what are friends for? [before leaving] But you’re buying me a beer tomorrow. [leaves]
Sam: You can go now, Woody.
Woody: Thanks, Sam. [as he’s walking to the door] It’s going to bug me tonight trying to figure out what K-9’s do to mailmen.
Diane grins at Woody.
Cut to:
Scene B
INT. CHEERS BAR – NIGHT – NIGHT/1
[Diane, Sam]
Diane walks Sam over to one of the tables where they sit down. Diane takes his hand, coyly.
Sam: What is it, Diane?
Diane: I need to ask you a favor.
Sam: I’m not giving you my liver.
Diane: [hits him on his arm] Oh, Sam! I’m serious.
Sam: So was I. [Diane kicks him from under the table] Ouch!
Diane: Now, listen. A friend of mine is flying here from France and she’ll be arriving tomorrow afternoon. I need you to let me off work early so that I may treat her to Boston culture.
Sam: Isn’t the bar enough culture treatment?
Diane: [piercing her lips firmly] Sam Malone, I’ll take that derogatory retort and erase it from my mind. You, of all people, should know better, but even that could be hard to believe.
Sam: So how long will she be here?
Diane: Through the weekend.
Sam: Does she speak English?
Diane: [bothered] Yes. [beat] She’s originally from Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
Sam: [smiles] Oh! They’ve got real nice breweries there.
Diane: [rolls eyes] I’m sure. [beat] Oh, Sam. You have the sophistication of a flea; perhaps why you attract them so easily.
Sam: [callous] Ha, ha! You’re real cute, Diane.
Diane: [smugly] Touché, Sam, touché.
Fade to:
Scene C
INT. CHEERS BAR – DAY – DAY/2
[Sam, Diane, Cliff, Woody, Carla, Diana Von Squiggman]
Carla is at the bar telling her orders to Sam. Diane is waiting on tables, describing every moment from her last trip to France. Cliff staggers in and sits at the bar. Woody places cheese doodles in front of Cliff.
Woody: Hey, Mr. Clavin. [smiles] I was thinking about what you said last night about your dog.
Cliff: Please, Woody, don’t mention that beast’s name.
Carla: [passing by; stops and looks at Diane] I’ve been trying to tell you dorks that for years.
Diane and Carla exchange grimacing stares.
Woody: What happened, Mr. Clavin.
Cliff: It’s too painful to talk about.
Woody: Oh, you got bit?
Cliff: No, but if you must know, I slept in the garage last night.
Carla: [standing next to him] How is that different from any other night?
A beautiful woman, Diana Von Squiggman, enters the bar; Sam spots her immediately. He leaps over the bar and turns on his charm.
Sam: Hello. [takes her hand] I’m Sam Malone.
Diana Von Squiggman: Bonjour.
Sam: [smiles with excitement] Bonjour? That must be French for “take me to your place.”
Diana: [laughs] You’re funny. Diane told me about you.
Sam: [puzzled] She did?
Diana: But she never mentioned your sense of humor.
Sam: Well, that’s not the only thing I’m good at.
Sam gets close enough to smell her. Diane notices from afar and quickly runs over to them.
Diane: Sam, [gets between them] I see you’ve met my friend Diana.
Sam: Your name is “Diane” too?
Diane: No, Sam. [condescending] It’s Dian-a, with an “a,” not an “e.” [takes Diana on the front step of the entrance] Toute le monde! Attention everyone! [clasps her hands in front of her] I traveled many, nay, thousands of miles across the Atlantic en route Europe, where I first met Diana Von Squiggman; a young, sweet, naïve, yet strong-willed woman, who taught me to constitute adverseness; giving me inner-strength to enter the next standpoint of my life. [smiles at Sam]
Carla: [slams her tray on the bar] Oh great! Another Diane clone! [falls to the floor]
Fade to:
Scene D
INT. CHEERS BAR – EARLY EVENING – NIGHT/2
[Frasier, Lilith, Woody, Norm, Cliff, Sam, Diane]
Frasier runs into the bar petrified.
Frasier: Hide me!
Woody: Is this like “hide and go seek?” [Frasier crawls under a table; Woody grins] Oh, I see. I was right. I used to play this game with the other kids in Hanover. [to Sam] So, who’s counting?
Frasier: [fuming] Oh for God sakes, Woody! This is no joke!
Diane sits at the side of the bar reading one of her psychology novels, occasionally adverting her eyes to the spectacle.
Sam: Come on, Frasier. Get out from under that table. What could be so horrible to…?
Lilith enters the bar; displaying a frosty disposition.
Everyone: [repulsive tone] Lilith! [Lilith stands there like a stiff board]
Lilith: [moves to the bar] Sam, have you seen Frasier?
Sam: [nervously] Frasier? [turns and asks the bar] Do any of you know Frasier?
Everyone: [adlibs] No. Frasier who?
Woody: Sure you do, Sam. You were just talking to him under… [Sam covers his mouth]
Lilith: Under what? [beat] Sam, your vast array of cynicism is, in fact, vexatious.
Sam: Well, you know how Woody is, Lilith…
Frasier: [crawling out from under the table] It’s alright, Sam. I surrender.
Lilith: Frasier, this implausible act to recreate your adolescence has caused an embarrassment to you and your profession. I suggest you leave here now, rather than make a bigger ass of yourself.
Frasier: Yes, dear.
Lilith: [on the way out the door] Now when we get home, I want to you find my lab rat.
Fade Out:
Scene E
INT. FRASIER AND LILITH’S HOUSE – NIGHT – NIGHT/2
[Frasier, Lilith, Diane, Diana]
Fade in:
Frasier is down on his hands and knees looking under the couch.
Frasier: I’m sorry, peach blossom, but I don’t see Sigmund anywhere.
Lilith: [O.S.] Keep looking.
Frasier: Yes, dear. [crawls around on the floor; phone rings; annoyed] Cherub, could you get the phone?
Lilith: [O.S.] No.
Frasier: [gets up] Damn that woman.
Lilith: [O.S.] I heard that.
Frasier: [picks up the phone] Hello… Why would I care about my refrigerator when I have a perfectly frigid girlfriend in the next room? ... [Lilith walks in] I’m sorry but we already subscribe to “Psychology Weekly.” [hangs up the phone]
Frasier gets back down on the floor and puts his head under the coffee table.
Lilith: [sees the rat scamper into the next room] Sigmund!
Frasier: Where? [bumps his head under the coffee table] Ouch! [rubs the back of his head.
Lilith: Don’t just sit there, Frasier, get him.
Frasier: [fuming] Why don’t you “get” him yourself?
Lilith: Frasier, surely you jest.
Frasier: [sarcasm] Of course. What was I thinking? You’re incapable of any human acts.
The door bells rings.
Frasier: [Cont’d] Are you going to get that or shall I?
Lilith walks to the door and answers it. Diane stands in front of Lilith with Diana by her side.
Diane: Hello, Lilith. May we come in?
Lilith: [throws her hands up, as if saying, “do I have a choice?”] Sure. Why not?
Diane: I hope we’re not disturbing you.
Lilith: [sarcasm] Heavens, no. We welcome unexpected visitors for night caps.
Diane: I noticed you and Frasier left the bar impeccably early this evening. You didn’t have a chance to meet my friend, Diana Von Squiggman.
Lilith: [quizzically] Why does that name sound familiar?
Diane: She’s a literary genius. Did you know that she once gave tours at Le Louvre: palais et musée?
Lilith: [acting interested] Oh?
Diane: From the brilliant works of Michelangelo, to the literary écritures of Faulkner. Diana Von Squiggman has lived the poet’s dream.
Lilith: [takes them into the living room] Sit. [silence] Excuse the disorderliness; usually our home is completely immaculate.
Diana: It’s a lovely home.
Lilith: Thank you. [silence]
Frasier: [O.S.] I found him, Dove bar!
Lilith: [walks over to the piano] Frasier, dear. We have guests.
Frasier: [O.S.] Just one second. I’m putting Sigmund back in his—OUCH!
Lilith goes into the next room where Frasier is.
Lilith: [O.S.] Frasier, are you inept to maintaining control of a diminutive lab rat? Hand Sigmund to me.
Frasier: [O.S.] He got away.
Lilith: [O.S.; hysterical] What do you mean he got away?! You said you found him!! [all of a sudden there’s a loud clang] Go to hell you insensitive bastard!
Diane screams.
Frasier and Lilith rush back into the living room. Frasier’s head is inside the rat cage; unable to get out.
Lilith: What happened in here?
Diane: [catching her breath] I thought I saw something.
Lilth: Sigmund?
Diane: [distress] It was either an awfully small speckled dog or a r-r-rat.
Lilith: Sigmund! Diane, did you see which way he went?
Diane: [points to the kitchen] I think he went in there.
Lilith exits to the kitchen.
Frasier: Oh, thank God. [goes upstairs with the cage still on his head]
Diana: [to Diane] Was that Dr. Frasier Crane? The one you introduced me to a few years ago?
Diane: Yes, as a matter a fact, it was.
Diana: [feeling uncomfortable] I better go.
Diane: Why on earth for? Are you ill?
Diana: I can’t explain. Please—if I stay it could lead to disaster. Tell Dr. Sternin I’m dreadfully sorry for being rude like this, [looks into Diane’s confused eyes] but it’s for the best. Trust me on this. [beat] I’ll call for a cab.
Diane progresses to the door. Frasier returns from upstairs, humming a classical tune.
Frasier: [sees Diana and Diane at the door] Hello. I hope you’re not leaving on Lilith’s account. She scares everybody. [starts to laugh] She was once asked to haunt a house. [laughs more]
Diana: No, please. Dr. Sternin is very nice.
Frasier: You must have been deprived as a young seed.
Diana: [anxious to leave] Yes, well…
Frasier: You look so familiar. Have we met before?
Diane: Don’t you remember, Frasier? We met Diana in Paris.
Frasier: That’s where I remember you from. You were the tour guide at Le Louvre—Oh dear God! You have to go now! [pushes Diane and Diana out the door]
Diane: Frasier, no. You aren’t being hospitable to your guests.
Frasier: Diane, you don’t understand. Lilith knows about Diana Von Squiggman.
Diane: You remembered her name awfully fast.
Frasier: How could I forget it? I must have screamed it in my sleep when I was in bed with you…
Diane: I thought that was my name you were saying.
Frasier: Diane, that’s beside the point. Lilith knows about Diana, and I’m forbidden to talk about her ever again. You must go.
Lilith: Frasier, must you be so churlish? Our guests are supposed to be in the living room enjoying our in depth conversation.
Frasier: But— [Lilith gives Frasier the cold stare] Yes, dear.
Lilith: You’ve “Yes, dear-ed” me already today. Can’t you think of something more demiurgic?
Frasier: [under his breath] How about “swine?”
Fade to:
Scene F
INT. FRASIER AND LILITH’S HOUSE – NIGHT – NIGHT/2
[Frasier, Lilith, Diane, Diana, Sam]
Lilith: Diana, enlighten us. How did you and Diane meet?
Diane: Diana was attending the National Organization of Literary Artists.
Lilith: N.O.L.A - I found that to be a derogatory group of selfish over indulged hypocrites, who only cared about manipulating others into believing that literature was mere manifestation.
Diane: Manifestation? I have you know that—
Lilith: Diane, my words were sorely to Diana.
Diane straightened her skirt out and listened.
Lilith: Where are you from?
Diana: I’m originally from Paris, France. [Frasier enters]
Lilith: I remember Frasier taking me there last spring. It’s lovely that time of year.
Diana: I must confess…
Frasier: [hysterically, running into the room] Diana, no! You mustn’t tell Lilith!
Lilith: Tell Lilith what, darling?
Frasier: Nothing, dear.
Lilith: Frasier, you’ve been acting rather eccentric this evening. Do you care to elaborate?
Frasier: Well—I put Sigmund back in his cage.
Lilith: I hate when you change the subject.
Diane: [stands up] May I suggest…
Frasier/Lilith: Shut up!
Lilith: I’m waiting for an explanation, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Perhaps it was something I ate.
Lilith: [livid] Oh? Are you suggesting that my cooking made you ill?
Frasier: Well, of course not; [nervously] Never.
Diane: [walks over to them] Lilith – Frasier loves you. Whatever happened between him and Diana in Paris, that’s all in the past now, right? [stomps her feet in a fit of anger] I still can’t believe you cheated on me with my friend!
Lilith purses her lips firmly as she gives Frasier the “death” stare.
Frasier: [as Diane saunters into the living room, murmuring to herself] If I’m not mistaken, you were the one who left me standing at the alter, for Sam Malone, so you could live your life long dream as Mrs. Barmaid!
Lilith: [astonished] That’s her? The woman you almost stayed in Paris with? The one you nicknamed, “Princess Di?”
Frasier: [takes out hanky, puts it to his mouth] Yes… but, peach blossom, I can explain.
Lilith: [sternly] It wasn’t enough that you lied to me about living with Diane, but now you attempt to manipulate my intelligence by inducing a menagerie of lies and fabrication.
Frasier: This was two years ago, for God sakes. I didn’t even know you then.
Lilith: I suppose if you had, we wouldn’t be standing here at this moment whilst you feed me more of your fictional preludes.
Frasier: Must you be so domineering?
Lilith: I must.
Diane: I can’t help but feel…
Lilith: [commanding voice] Go away. [Diane backs away]
Frasier: Lilith, you’re the only woman I love.
Lilith: And you’re the only man whom I, during this primal moment, would take vast enjoyment in dismembering your callous psyche and replenishing it with cyanide.
Frasier: You’ve always had a way with words.
Diana: I don’t want to be the reason for you and Dr. Sternin’s problems.
Lilith: [arms folded] It’s a little late for that.
Diana: If you would please allow me to tell you what really happened in Paris. [Lilith sits down] I had just come off a difficult breakup with a Milwaukee beer truck driver and thought that a love like that would be pretty hard to find again. [looks over at Frasier] Then one day, I was giving tours at Le Louvre and – I met Frasier. He asked me out for coffee – I honestly thought we hit it off right away, but all the time I was sitting there with this sweet, sweet man – I couldn’t help but think about Lenny.
Lilith: Another beguiled soul to prey upon.
Diana: Dr. Sternin, I had no intentions what so ever to prey upon anyone.
Lilith: So you’re saying that Frasier was a mere adjacent to you adolescent rebound tactics.
Diana: I needed someone to talk to, is that such a crime?
Frasier: Lilith, my little strawberry…
Lilith: Frasier, I hope your reasoning carries more than your choice of pet names.
Frasier: Oh?
Lilith: Yes, darling, you know how I break out if I eat strawberries.
Frasier: Wait a minute. You just called me “darling.”
Lilith: No, I didn’t.
Frasier: Yes you did.
Diane: [sighs] How love springs eternal.
Frasier: I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about Diana.
Lilith: And I’m sorry you ever had to coexist in Europe with Diane Chambers.
Frasier: [peevishly] Oh, me, too. Forgive me?
Lilith: Oh, Frasier, love of my life, how could I ever stay mad at you?
As Frasier and Lilith embrace and kiss, Diane and Diana leave their home blissfully.
The End