Ep: 2: Don’t Fear the Creep

Guest starring as Mrs. Simmons: Martin Short

Theme song opening scene (each episode):
(Dave Gentile is shown walking out of his house and deeply inhaling the fresh summer air…he skips off, twirling around and picking flowers, until his family runs out, grabs him, and puts him in a Taxi cab and they get in with him. Next you see the streets of NYC and a worried expression of Dave’s face while everyone else is smiling and seems to be excited…next, Dave is shown getting out trying to escape from the grips of his family…they drag him throughout NYC as pictures are taken of them in front of monuments like The Statue of Liberty and The Empire State Building…he backs away eventually and bumps into Lisa, Richard and Tom…the four shrug and walk away and next thing seen is the opening scene)

*groups of hippies are shown dancing and chatting around a field, among them are Lisa, Richard and Dave*

By the time Nixon took office that year, over 30,000 Americans had been killed in the war, and probably that much more protests had took place. Peace…seemed to be making no show…with the war, with Tom…and especially with my parents. But there were still wars coming at me I had no clue about…

Mrs. Gentile: *running up to Dave and waving her hand and with a paper sack in the other* Yoo hoo! Daveeey!

*a girl with a flower crown on throws one over Mrs. Gentile’s head quick, covering up her glasses so she can’t see, yet she still continues to run until she’s about to pass Dave and he stops her*

Mrs. Gentile: Dave, is that you?

Dave: *he lifts up his mother’s flower crown* Yeah, mom, it’s me.

Mrs. Gentile: Oh, well…dear, I brought you a sandwich in case you got hungry. I didn’t know how much you’d pack for your picnic and so I was…*she looks around* Where’s… all the food?

Dave: *he flinches as if he’s about to get beaten*

Mrs. Gentile: *nodding and sighing at the same time* Praising the Sun God, are you?

Dave: What? Mom, no…there’s no Sun God. What’s wrong with being at one with the earth and promoting simple lifestyle?

*Mrs. Gentile just backs away slowly while whimpering, and then turns around and walks off dropping the paper bag…which Richard goes over to, picks up and eats*

Richard: *holding it up* Good sandwich, buddy.

Did no one love me?

[Scene: The roof of their apartment (they’re apartment is on the top floor) later that day]

And then there was that day…that started it all.

Lisa: *singing while seeming to be drawing something, Richard is lying on his back counting stars as Dave walks in* Here comes the sun...doo, doo, doo, doo...here comes the sun, and I say…it’s all right.

Dave: Hi…

Lisa: *looks over and jumps up* David! Just the person I wanted to see!

Dave: It’s just...Dave...

Lisa: *ignoring him* Okay, so Richard, me and the rest of the gang are heading to the White House tomorrow, so-

Dave: Who’s white house?

Lisa: Huh?

Dave: *acting like it’s obvious* You know…like the one down the street, uh…the one around the block. And isn’t there that one in the ghetto that’s supposed to be white, but this little kid peed-

*Lisa just stares*

Well he did.

Richard: *getting up* Haven’t you ever been to a protest, buddy?

Dave: *lying, but in an obvious way* Well, yeah…of course. My mom uh…

Lisa: *getting up and ignoring him and handing him a sign* Take this…and shout…spiritual things…things about yourself that are often on your mind.

Dave: *nodding* Okay, things on my mind…I can do this. *he stands on a step and screams* My ass…is hairy! I have…a third nipple and I wet the bed last week after getting drunk, wooo!

*random people on the street below shout mean things back at him*

Woman: Keep the peace!

Man: Yeah, keep the peace…and shave yourself!

*a box filled with garbage is thrown up at him, and he closes his eyes and picks off the garbage*

Pleasant.

Richard: *he runs up to Dave, picks him up and drops him…and points to him* No, bad.

Pleasanter.

Dave: And that’s what you do after a protest? Well, I refuse. *he walks off* Owww! Damn…

Lisa: No, that’s not-

*Dave shuts the door and screams in pain before she can finish*

Richard: We’ll, um…explain later.

Lisa: Yeah.

*Dave walks back out*

Dave: *slams door and leans on it, sweaty and with wide eyes* They’re here!

Lisa: Who?

Dave: *in a low, scratchy voice* Them.

Richard: It’s the police! Have mercy! *he runs around to the corner and leans down with his head between his knees*

Lisa: Is it really the police?

Dave: Worse…

Lisa: *gulps* Worse?

Dave: My family.

Lisa: Oh my God I can’t take- *she stops herself when she realizes it’s not that bad* Oh…so let them in.

Dave: *he looks at her like she’s crazy* I can’t do that!

Lisa: Look, are you sure it’s your parents? Did you even check?

Uh, no…didn’t check.

Richard: *still in the corner* It’s the police!

Dave: *ignoring him* It’s too obvious, it’s always my parents. How many times have they stopped by in the past week?

Lisa: At least twice…a day? *she sighs* But they came twice already. I’m going to see who it is.

Dave: Okay, but I’m not here…lost, dead, mauled by a tiger…just not here.

*Lisa is shown coming in through the door to the living room and looking through the hole in the door, once she does she starts cracking up and bangs her head on the door…then, rubbing her head with a smile, she answers it*

*A woman with large, red hair…60’s style glasses, fake pearls, and an orange suit walks in with her arms outstretched*

Lisa: Mother! *she hugs her*

Mrs. Simmons: Cherry muffin…cuddle…daughter…girl! *she hugs her back*

Richard: *he sneaks in and peaks over the door* Mother Simmons?!

Mrs. Simmons: It’s my angel child! *she hugs him while picking him up and sets him back down*

*Dave walks in with his hands in his pocket with his head down, shy*

I was scared of that woman already.

Mrs. Simmons: And who’s this sexy-I mean, wonderful looking child?

*Tom walks in*

Tom: Hi Mrs. Simmons.

Mrs. Simmons: Okay…replace the new, sexy child, with the old, mean one. *she giggles to herself* I’m just kidding, baby. *she hugs him and looks over at Dave and giggles slyly*

Lisa: Um, mother…this is a new friend of ours.

Tom: Of yours and Richards…

Lisa: Of Richard and me named Dave… and he’s with us now.

Mrs. Simmons: Can I hug him?

Dave: Well, I- *before he finishes, she has him gripped tightly*

Mrs. Simmons: Can I keep him? I just want to squeeze him all day, but first I have to tinkle! *she walks into the bathroom*

Dave: Well, that was special.

Lisa: Mother’s a little…at one with the earth. She loves everything…a lot.

Tom: Yeah, especially the sexy boy. *he makes kissing noises and licks his hand*

Dave: I’m going to kill you. *he tackles him to the ground as Tom cries out in pain*

*Mrs. Simmons walks out of the bathroom*

Mrs. Simmons: Couldn’t work the sink so I didn’t wash my hands…*she notices Dave and Tom fighting* Oh, so strong. *she pulls Dave up by the arm and makes out with him*

Lisa: This is great! Mother has found her one special person to be Dave!

Richard: Uh, isn’t your mom married to…what’s that guy called, your father?

Lisa: *she nods her head excitedly while smiling* Uh huh!

Okay, I’ll admit she was hot…but, just not my type.

[Scene: Restaurant]

Lisa: Oh come on, Dave. She really likes you. *she takes a bite out of a hamburger*

Dave: Yeah, I know but…she’s just too old for me…and plus, her perfume…

Lisa: I, uh…gave that to her on her last birthday.

Dave: *pretending to continue from where he left off before*…smells wonderful, I just…don’t think it’ll work.

*Mrs. Simmons walks in crying*

Mrs. Simmons: Oh, wretched world! *she blows her nose*

Richard: *walking out of the men’s bathroom* Mother Simmons! What’s wrong? *he hugs her and wraps his legs around her as if she’s holding him like a baby*

Mrs. Simmons: *she wipes her snot on Richard’s head* It’s Walter…*she sighs and lets Richard down*

Lisa: *standing up* Daddy? What’s wrong with daddy? Is it his heart?

Mrs. Simmons: *sitting down in Lisa’s spot* No, it’s his sex. *there is silence* I mean, there isn’t any of it. There’s another woman…I just know it.

Dave: I’m sorry, that’s terrible.

Lisa: I know. Why would daddy do something like that?

Richard: Well because…*he looks over Mrs. Simmons pointing out how ugly she obviously was and Lisa slaps him over the head*

Mrs. Simmons: I just…don’t know what or…*she looks at Dave* who could comfort me. *she sniffles*

Lisa: I…really got to get to a group meeting. Richard, you’re coming, too, right?

Richard: Yes, ma’am. We’re late, too, better get going. *they both walk out and Dave and Mrs. Simmons are left sitting in the booth across from each other staring and there is an awkward silence*

Mrs. Simmons: Well! *she cracks her knuckles* I…suppose I better get going I…wouldn’t want to bother you or anything…*she sniffs and pretends to look down pouting and looks up quick to see Dave’s reaction*

Dave: *he sighs* Look…I was going to go golfing not too far from here today…I guess you could come…

Mrs. Simmons: Miniature golfing? *she claps her hands together* Oh, I love it! Oh! I’m so excited, when shall we go?

Dave: Well I didn’t mean that kind of…*he sighs* Sure, fine…why not. Let’s just…go now. Whatever…

Mrs. Simmons: Dandy! *she grabs her purse and gets up but bumps into the Gentiles who have just walked in*

Mr. Gentile: Hi, there, son!

Mrs. Simmons: Oh, is this your family? Oh, how wonderful! Hi, I’m Mrs. Simmons. *she shakes Mr. and Mrs. Simmons hand* And you must be his little sister, am I correct?

Molly: No. *she makes a face*

Mrs. Simmons: *getting up* Oh, well…*she looks at the family’s profiles* I’m with him now. He’s…my baby now. *she winks and walks out and waits for Dave by the large window*

Mrs. Gentile: Honey *she tries to put on as big a smile as possible, with her head to the side shaking a bit* is this...true?

Dave: No! No, she’s Lisa’s mother. She’s feeling down so I’m-

Molly: *quickly before he can finish* So you’re what?

Dave: *he stares her down then looks back at his mother* So I’m…just taking her out golfing, that’s it.

Mr. Gentile: *he starts cracking up and slaps his knee* She’s your grandmother, son.

Dave: What?!

Mr. Gentile: Yeah, Lisa’s my sister. *he starts laughing again*

Molly: Daddy, are you serious?

Mr. Gentile: No! *he cracks up even louder*

Get me out of here.

[Scene: Miniature Golf Park]

Really, please, get me out of here.

Dave: *while Mrs. Simmons is putting* So, uh, are things really bad with Mr. Simmons?

Mrs. Simmons: Oh yes, dear, dreadful. *the ball misses the hole* Drat…

*Tom, Lisa and Richard are shown in the bushes staring at Dave and Mrs. Simmons*

Tom: I thought you guys had to go to one of your damn hippy meetings?

Lisa: *whispering* Shh, mother had me too suspicious of her. Daddy wouldn’t do that…he’s too afraid she’d, ya know, kill him or something.

Richard: *whispering* Yeah, because he totally would otherwise…

*Lisa rolls her eyes*

Tom: *whispering* Lord, what is she doing to him?

*Dave walks up next and Mrs. Simmons rubs his shoulder as he passes her. He bends over to hit the ball and you see Mrs. Simmons staring at his butt. She quickly goes up to him, taps his butt a bit before he hits the ball, and walks away as he looks back holding his butt*

Dave: What was that?

Mrs. Simmons: Uhh…a mosquito. *she nods*

Dave: Hmph…you’d think 50 degrees would be too cold for mosquitoes.

Mrs. Simmons: Well…*she shrugs he shoulders*

*back in the bushes*

Richard: *whispering* Man, I never knew your mother was such a pervert, Lisa. You’re not a pervert, are you?

Lisa: *he eyes fixed on Dave and Mrs. Simmons, and then whispering* Shut up, Richard.

*Tom laughs at this*

Lisa: *still whispering* I can’t believe this…she’s crazy! I should’ve never left him with her.

*Dave goes to hit the ball again and Mrs. Simmons goes up to him before he can hit it and starts rubbing his shoulders*

Dave: *he turns around quick and shouts* Okay, ya know what, Mrs. Simmons?!

Mrs. Simmons: *smiling* Yes?

*in the bushes again*

Tom: Ugh, I can’t take this. I mean, I don’t mind porn, but this! It’s disgusting!

*before she can say anything, Tom pops out of the bushes*

Tom: Ma’am, I’m officially telling you to leave this kid alone.

Dave: Tom?! Why would you-

*Lisa and Richard are shown hitting each other over something unknown and they roll out of the bushes*

Lisa: Because we’re your friends…and…*she looks down and rolls her eyes* plus, we made him come…being he’s a business guy and all. The power, ya know?

Tom: Power to the people. *he kisses his two fingers and makes a peace sign*

Mrs. Simmons: Muffin? Why would you interrupt my date?

Dave: It’s not a date!

Lisa: Mother, you can’t go hitting on young boys every time you get the chance. And I called Daddy, he said you’re just crazy…and, though I usually wouldn’t believe a man in this situation, I definitely do right now.

Richard: Yeah, Mother Simmons, and you’re way too old to be doing this anyway.

*Lisa slaps Richard on the head again and stares him down as he makes a “what’d I do?” gesture*

Lisa: Thing is, mom…you just can’t go around doing this. You have daddy.

*Dave nods approvingly with wide eyes*

Mrs. Simmons: *she sighs* You’re right. You’re right, you’re right…I just…sometimes Walter doesn’t, well, satisfy me, dear. You understand, right?

*Lisa shakes her head slowly, shocked*

Mrs. Simmons: It’s just, being involved with men like Frank Sinatra and Elvis Presley in the past…it’s just not easy to…please me.

Tom: Uh, that’s a lie, right?

Mrs. Simmons: *walking off and shaking her hips* Yup, sure is.

*everyone is shown laughing there and discussing what just happened*

And I think I learned something that day…something besides not going near middle aged woman with big, red hair, but something deeper. Too bad I had yet to figure out what it was, because that was the creepiest **** I’ve ever had to-

*The voice over is cut off as screen goes to ending credits*

LOL great job, Ashlee! :clap:

Awesome.