Chambers
05-15-2004, 10:48 PM
Fresh fanfic! I wrote this one in a day - so I haven't revised it as much. I may come back to it later and edit it here. Anyway, hope you all like it - even if it doesn't live up to the expectations of my first two stories hehe.
Lost Episode #3
"Daddy Mayday"
Season Four
Characters:
Sam Malone, Diane Chambers, Woody Boyd, Carla Tortelli, Cliff Clavin, Norm Peterson and Dr. Frasier Crane
{“Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience”}
OVERTURE
{Open to front of the bar, where Diane is taking orders.}
Diane: [To two customers at a table] Of course, I can only aspire to what Rimbaud himself claimed to do, which was to “create a poetic language accessible to all the senses.” [The customers nod awkwardly]
Sam: [From the bar] Diane…did you get their orders?
Diane: [Laughs] Oh right – silly me. It’s a wonder that, with a mind like mine, I ever manage to get through the day! Even when I’m serving drinks, I jot down little bits of phrases I think would work well in a poem – you see? [She shows them her pad. They look at her in disbelief].
Sam: Diane – the orders?
Diane: Oh [laughs again] of course – I’m such a goose! I tell you, there was one time when-
Sam: …the orders?
Diane: Ah – what can I get you?
Customer1: Two cognacs, please.
Diane: Oh, that’s a fine choice. I knew you two were the type to want something more than a regular beer. Wasn’t it Pope who wrote, “Is there a parson much bemused in beer,
a maudlin poetess, a rhyming peer, a-“
Sam: DIANE!
Diane: Oh, right. I’ll get you your orders. [Walks over to the bar to Sam] Sam, those two gentlemen would like two-
Everyone: [shouts in annoyance] Cognacs!
Carla: You know, Diane, it’s pretty much fact that you stink as a waitress when the entire bar knows the order better than you do.
Diane: I was getting to it!
Carla: [Rolls her eyes] Ok – I’ll just tell that other table there to expect their drinks some time during the next century.
ACT ONE
{It’s a regular afternoon at the bar. Cliff, Frasier and the staff are already there when Norm walks in.}
Norm: Afternoon, everybody.
Everyone: NORM!!
Diane: Norman.
Woody: What’ll it be, Mr. Peterson? No wait – I know this one. Beer, right? [smiles goofily]
Norm: [Stares at him matter-of-factly and says ironically] Actually, Woody, today I’d just like a glass of water.
Woody: [Whines] Oh brother, just my luck! I really thought I got you this time, Mr. Peterson.
Norm: [rolls his eyes] Well…have you heard that winter finally hit “El Inferno?”
Woody: Huh? Oh! Is that that ride at that amusement park? [Hands Norm a glass of water]
Norm: No…ah, just gimme the damn beer already.
Woody: [Laughs and shakes his head] Couldn’t stop yourself, huh, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Right…
Sam: [Pops his head out of his office and whispers to the guys] Hey, guys, is Carla around?
Woody: I think she’s in the back, Sam. Can I help?
Sam: Uh…no, no…just tell her to come in here when she returns. [He closes the door]
Cliff: Hey, eh…does anybody find that a little odd?
Norm: What?
Cliff: Sam – isn’t he acting a little strange?
Frasier: Well, despite the irony of having you of all people point that out, I’d have to agree. I wonder what’s eating him.
Diane: [Approaching the bar] Another pitcher, Woody. What are you all talking about? Is something wrong with Sam?
Norm: Nah, it’s probably nothing.
Cliff: Wait a minute, Norm. It’s a little known fact that first instincts are correct 90% of the time.
Norm: Well it’s also a fact that nutcases are wrong about their first instincts in that remaining 10% of the time…so...you know.
Diane: Would somebody please tell me what’s going on?
Frasier: We don’t know, Diane.
{Carla emerges from the back and unloads a tray of dirty glasses at the bar.}
Woody: Hey, Carla. Sam wanted to see you in his office right away. It sounded important.
Carla: Oh yeah? Ok. [She goes into the office without knocking, leaving the rest of the bar extremely curious.]
{In Sam’s office}
Carla: So, Sammy, what did ya want to talk to me about? [She jumps on the couch and lounges]
Sam: [Swiveling his chair to face her] Right…uh…how do I say this…[his eyes are wide open and blood-shot; his face is red]
Carla: Whoa! What’s wrong with you? You look like you’re gonna kill someone – ooh! Is it Diane?
Sam: No…if only it were that simple…argh! [He grunts and bangs his head on the desk]
Carla: Hey, hey! Tell me what’s going on!
Sam: [He stops the banging but leaves his face on the desk] Carla, I need your help.
Carla: With what?
Sam: [He looks up] I think I knocked up a girl.
Carla: You what??!! Geez, Sam! You of all people should have had enough practice to know how to prevent this! That is…unless she was a Tortelli. Then nothing works.
Sam: [Dropping his face in his hands] I did everything that I needed to do! I don’t know what went wrong! But this afternoon I get a message on my machine from this girl I messed around with last week saying she’s late.
Carla: You’re in one hell of a sticky situation. But you’re, Sammy. You can pull yourself up. You could do like the other scuzballs I’ve dated and disown the kid. But my guess is you’ll get off easy – any woman would be glad to have your kid.
Sam: [A glimmer of hope in his eyes] Yeah...I could tell her it’d be like a souvenir from that one unforgettable night with Sam “Mayday” Malone.
Carla: [Hits the back of his head] You doofus! I can’t believe you did this! You’re gonna be a father! And since you’re not half the sleaze-bag Nick is, this is the end of your life as you know it. You’re gonna feel guilty and start paying child support, then you’re gonna want to spend time with the kid – this is gonna tie you down for good! Say goodbye to the old Sam Malone, chick magnet.
Sam: Oh God, you’re right! [Bangs his head on the desk again]
Carla: Come on – cheer up. There’s at least one good thing you can get from all of this.
Sam: What’s that?
Carla: Seeing the look on Diane’s face once she hears about this! [Carla opens the door and runs out] Hey, Diane! Guess what!!
Sam: [Rushes out after her, straps his hand around her mouth and drags her back into the office. Once they’re there, Carla tries to bite his hand off.] Ouch! Carla! I don’t want anybody to know about this! I only asked you because...I thought you had experience in these types of situations.
Carla: Well gee, thanks. But you do know that Diane will find a way to find out. And once she finds out, the whole of Boston will know about how you screwed up.
Sam: Thanks, Carla. You made me feel a lot better.
Carla: [Smiles] No problem! [She walks out]
Sam: [Shouting] Really! Thanks for your help! [He slams the door]
{Out in the bar, the gang try to contain their curiosity...but after a few seconds they all bombard Carla with questions.}
Cliff: I was right, wasn’t I?
Woody: Something bothering Sam, Carla?
Diane: What did he stop you from telling me?
Carla: Hey hey hey! Settle down! [They settle down] Now I’m not gonna tell any of you anything. That’s between Sam and I.
Diane: You mean “Sam and me.”
Carla: [Laughs devilishly] You wish! [Her laughter fades as she walks back to the pool room]
Diane: Oh this is ridiculous. I’m going to find out for myself. [She starts to make her way to the office]
Frasier: Wait a minute, Diane. Do you really think that’s a good idea?
Diane: What do you mean?
Frasier: Well, judging from what little information Carla gave us and from Sam’s peculiar behavior, it seems to me that this problem is a source of great embarrassment for him – something he isn’t prepared to divulge yet. And prying that information from him may be a disastrous step in building a system of trust.
Diane: But what could be so embarrassing? We are talking about a man who uses his salad fork to eat fish! [Releases her "Diane laugh"]
Frasier: Well, Diane, have you thought of the possibility that this matter may concern you? Oh who am I kidding – of course you have!
Diane: [Rolls her eyes] If you’re so sure of yourself, why don’t you go talk to him?
Everyone: Yeah!
Frasier: Well...I suppose I could use my expertise in this case to help a friend.
Everyone: Yeah!
Frasier: All right, I’ll do it!
Norm: [Just as Frasier is about to knock] Psst, Frasier. Tell us EVERYTHING when you’re done. [Frasier laughs and dismisses the request with a wave of his hand as he enters the office, but gives them a last-minute thumbs-up as he disappears into the room]
ACT TWO
{In Sam’s office}
Frasier: Sam?
Sam: [Still with his head on his desk] Oh geez, Carla told everyone, didn’t she?
Frasier: No, she didn’t. I came in here because I think I can help you.
Sam: [Looks up, hopelessly lost] Yeah? How?
Frasier: [Sits down on the couch] Well, first, Sam, I was hoping you would care to share your problem with me.
Sam: Oh...I don’t know about this, Frasier. I really don’t think you can help me with this one. I don’t even know where to start.
Frasier: All right, I’ll help get you started. Is this about a woman?
Sam: Yeah...
Frasier: [Frasier’s nostrils flare slightly] Someone you care about?
Sam: Well I kinda did...I mean I do...but nothing long term...I just thought she was a real looker and wanted to hit the sack. Boy was that a mistake! Am I a bad person for wishing she were dead and that I never met her?
Frasier: [Nostrils flaring, face reddening] No, I know just what you mean.
Sam: I mean I never knew it could turn into a living nightmare!
Frasier: Indeed! [Stands up and raises his fist in anger] That woman is the Devil incarnate!
Sam: [Looking up at Frasier, confused] Uh...are we talking about the same thing here?
Frasier: Huh? Oh, sorry. [Sits back down] Please, go on.
Sam: Well...the thing is...I’ve known her for a while now...and I know she really has the hots for me – every time I see her she gets weak in the knees [laughs fondly].
Frasier: [Tries to control his rage by speaking in a rock-solid tone] Go on.
Sam: I messed around with her a few times last year – whew! Were those crazy nights!
Frasier: [Raising his voice] Last year?!
Sam: Frasier, are you ok?
Frasier: Am I ok--AM I OK?
Sam: Are you?
Frasier: That little strumpet! And I actually had the audacity to ask her to marry me!
Sam: You talking about Diane?
Frasier: Of course! Who else could enrage me so? The woman who ripped my heart out and stomped on it with those delicate little porcelain feet! I could just crush them with my bare hands! [Comes into realization] Wait...you were talking about Diane, weren’t you?
Sam: [shakes his head slowly] No....Frasier, do you need to lie down?
Frasier: [Shaking] No...thank you. Just need to wash my face...[mumbles] and wring her neck...[He leaves the office]
{In the bar}
Frasier: [Upon seeing Diane] You impudent woman! [wrings his hands in rage and stomps to the bathroom]
Carla: You do seem to have that effect on people, don’t you?
Diane: This is insane. I’m going in there to get this straight. [She knocks on the door] Sam? May I come in?
Sam: [from inside] No!
Diane: Oh come on, Sam! Just for a minute?
Sam: No!
Diane: Please?
Sam: There is no way in hell that I want to talk to you right now!
Diane: Well, ok, Sam. I respect that. [She goes in anyway]
{In the office}
Sam: [Raising his head in disbelief upon seeing her] Didn’t I just tell you to leave me alone?
Diane: Yeah, I’m just saving us some time.
Sam: What?
Diane: You always say no, and then we get into some silly argument, which always ends with me coming in here anyway. So what’s on your mind?
Sam: Nothing you can help me with.
Diane: Oh come on. Try me. [Says jokingly] What’s her name and how many months? [Laughs]
Sam: [Hesitantly] Bambi...and maybe a few weeks...
Diane: [All the color flushes out of her face] What?! Sam Malone?! Are you serious?! My goodness, you’re serious, aren’t you!? Good Lord! I’m speechless!
Sam: That’s funny, you don’t sound speechless.
Diane: This is incredible! I can’t believe it! How irresponsible!
Sam: Ok, ok! Now look, I already had Carla come in here to yell at me! So why don’t you show yourself out!
Diane: But Sam! This is serious! You’re going to be a father! What are you going to do?
Sam: I don’t know! Now will you please leave?
Diane: But Sam! Well I guess this was inevitable. They say protection is only effective 99% of the time – I guess you’ve done it enough times so you were bound to reach that 1% someday! Oh my God!
Sam: Ok, I’ll show you out! [He opens the door, pushes her out and slams the door]
Diane: [Coming back in a second after the door closed] What are you going to tell her? Are you going to marry her? You have to support the child!
Sam: Diane, I already have one problem – I don’t need another one! Now get out!
Diane: Oh come on, Sam. I’m only trying to help. What are you going to do?
Sam: [Slumps down in his chair and buries his face in his hands] I don’t know...
Diane: [Trying to sound gentler] This is by far the stupidest thing you’ve ever done. Poor Sam.
Sam: Diane! Calling me stupid isn’t going to make anything better!
Diane: [Flatly] Don’t I know it.
Sam: That’s it! [He jumps out of his chair and storms out of the office. Diane follows him out]
{In the bar}
Norm: Whoa, Sammy! What’s going on?
Sam: None of your business!
Cliff: Come on, Sam. We eh wanna help.
Sam: No you don’t – you just want to know the dirt so you can all call me stupid!
Norm: Hey! I’m offended! We’re your friends, ok? All we want is to help you.
Sam: [Seeing right through them] I already told Diane about it.
Everyone: [Turns away from Sam to face Diane and bombard her with questions] Whao, Diane! What did he say? Tell us, Diane!
Sam: Knew it. I’m getting out of here. [He runs to grab his coat and leaves]
{Several hours later, the bar is empty except for Diane and Woody, who are wiping down the tables and dusting the stools. Sam walks in.}
Sam: Oh...I didn’t expect anybody to still be here.
Woody: We were just about to lock up for you. And don’t worry, Sam. Your secret’s safe with me [he winks at Sam and smiles].
Sam: Oh so everybody knows now, huh? Thanks a lot, Diane.
Woody: It’s ok Sam. It happens to a lot of people. It happened to my Uncle Bertie once.
Sam: Yeah? ...What did he do about it?
Woody: He did what any decent man in Hanover would do: he cut it up into little pieces and fed it to the dogs. It’s not good to waste meat, you know. [Sam gives him a look of horror] Well I gotta get going, guys! See y’all tomorrow! [He leaves]
Sam: ...is it just me or isn’t that illegal?
Diane: [Laughs] No, Sam, it isn’t just you. I didn’t tell them anything about your...problem.
Sam: [Relieved]You didn’t?! Well that’s a first. Wait a minute – you could never keep quiet for that long.
Diane: [Indignant] I beg to differ! I like to think I have some sense of propriety!
Sam: Yeah, you’d LIKE to think that. Oh come on – what did you tell them?
Diane: Well it’s true – I had to tell them something. They were begging me for hours, Sam. One man offered me a $50 tip! Norman even said he would pay his beer tab!
Sam: Wow! So what did you say?
Diane: Obviously Frasier and Carla already knew it was something else, but I told the rest of the bar that you had adopted this cute little kitten from an animal shelter and that you accidentally ran over it this morning, and that you were heartbroken, poor thing, and didn’t know what to do.
Sam: That’s what you told them?! Oh come on! You made me look like a big sissy!
Diane: Well would you rather I have told them you knocked up some girl?
Sam: At least they wouldn’t think I was a sissy! A kitten? A KITTEN? Why couldn’t it have been a dog?
Diane: I don’t know! But I do know that that’s the last time I try to help you. [She hurries to the front of the bar]
Sam: Oh ok, look, I’m sorry. Thanks for not telling everyone.
Diane: [She stops and says, somewhat reluctantly] You’re welcome. So...what were you doing all this time?
Sam: I went over to her place...to talk it out...
Diane: That was a very noble thing to do, Sam. What did she say?
Sam: Boy, Diane, I think somebody up there likes me. Turns out she was wrong – she’s not pregnant! Whoo! Isn’t that great? [He claps and stretches out his arms]
Diane: [Sighs, shakes her head and sits down on the steps]
Sam: What’s the matter? Shouldn’t you be happy? I’m happy! Look at me! [He does a little happy dance]
Diane: [Looks up at him, a pained look on her face] Sam, I hope you realize the gravity of the situation from which you just barely escaped.
Sam: Well gee...of course I do. [He sits down next to her]
Diane: Did you ever stop to think what you would do if she really were pregnant?
Sam: Well sure! I think I’d like to call the little rascal Sammy Jr., teach him all the moves I know in baseball, and pass on all my best pick-up lines-
Diane: Sam! Have you learned nothing?
Sam: Aw come on, I’m just joking.
Diane: Then what have you learned?
Sam: Never to have sex again, that’s for sure!
Diane: [Sighs and rolls her eyes – then turns to stare at him sarcastically]
Sam: Yeah you’re right – that won’t happen.
Diane: [Sighs again and stands up to get her coat and purse] I should have known.
Sam: Now wait a minute. I may be a little stupid sometimes, a little insensitive, a little rough around the edges, but – what was I trying to say? [Diane rolls her eyes and starts to open the door] Hey wait! I remember. I may be all those things, but Sam Malone is a decent human being [Diane gives him a look of surprise and hopefulness]. Yeah, and if I had to, I would have helped her through it – financially and [he mumbles]...emotionally...
Diane: [Smiling] Why, Sam. That’s beautiful. I always knew you had a heart of gold.
Sam: [Starting to get embarrassed] Yeah, well, whatever. Let’s lock up. [They lock the door and continue to talk as they climb the outside steps] Now don’t go spreading that around – it’s enough that these guys think I had a kitten. A KITTEN?!
Diane: [Laughs] It was a big kitten!
Sam: Kittens aren’t big. Oh God – and this one had to be cute. Why not a one-eyed cat? Now THAT I could live with.
Diane: Well this one was cute but big. And she had a big pink bow around her neck and-
Sam: SHE? A PINK BOW? You’re killing me!
THE END
Lost Episode #3
"Daddy Mayday"
Season Four
Characters:
Sam Malone, Diane Chambers, Woody Boyd, Carla Tortelli, Cliff Clavin, Norm Peterson and Dr. Frasier Crane
{“Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience”}
OVERTURE
{Open to front of the bar, where Diane is taking orders.}
Diane: [To two customers at a table] Of course, I can only aspire to what Rimbaud himself claimed to do, which was to “create a poetic language accessible to all the senses.” [The customers nod awkwardly]
Sam: [From the bar] Diane…did you get their orders?
Diane: [Laughs] Oh right – silly me. It’s a wonder that, with a mind like mine, I ever manage to get through the day! Even when I’m serving drinks, I jot down little bits of phrases I think would work well in a poem – you see? [She shows them her pad. They look at her in disbelief].
Sam: Diane – the orders?
Diane: Oh [laughs again] of course – I’m such a goose! I tell you, there was one time when-
Sam: …the orders?
Diane: Ah – what can I get you?
Customer1: Two cognacs, please.
Diane: Oh, that’s a fine choice. I knew you two were the type to want something more than a regular beer. Wasn’t it Pope who wrote, “Is there a parson much bemused in beer,
a maudlin poetess, a rhyming peer, a-“
Sam: DIANE!
Diane: Oh, right. I’ll get you your orders. [Walks over to the bar to Sam] Sam, those two gentlemen would like two-
Everyone: [shouts in annoyance] Cognacs!
Carla: You know, Diane, it’s pretty much fact that you stink as a waitress when the entire bar knows the order better than you do.
Diane: I was getting to it!
Carla: [Rolls her eyes] Ok – I’ll just tell that other table there to expect their drinks some time during the next century.
ACT ONE
{It’s a regular afternoon at the bar. Cliff, Frasier and the staff are already there when Norm walks in.}
Norm: Afternoon, everybody.
Everyone: NORM!!
Diane: Norman.
Woody: What’ll it be, Mr. Peterson? No wait – I know this one. Beer, right? [smiles goofily]
Norm: [Stares at him matter-of-factly and says ironically] Actually, Woody, today I’d just like a glass of water.
Woody: [Whines] Oh brother, just my luck! I really thought I got you this time, Mr. Peterson.
Norm: [rolls his eyes] Well…have you heard that winter finally hit “El Inferno?”
Woody: Huh? Oh! Is that that ride at that amusement park? [Hands Norm a glass of water]
Norm: No…ah, just gimme the damn beer already.
Woody: [Laughs and shakes his head] Couldn’t stop yourself, huh, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Right…
Sam: [Pops his head out of his office and whispers to the guys] Hey, guys, is Carla around?
Woody: I think she’s in the back, Sam. Can I help?
Sam: Uh…no, no…just tell her to come in here when she returns. [He closes the door]
Cliff: Hey, eh…does anybody find that a little odd?
Norm: What?
Cliff: Sam – isn’t he acting a little strange?
Frasier: Well, despite the irony of having you of all people point that out, I’d have to agree. I wonder what’s eating him.
Diane: [Approaching the bar] Another pitcher, Woody. What are you all talking about? Is something wrong with Sam?
Norm: Nah, it’s probably nothing.
Cliff: Wait a minute, Norm. It’s a little known fact that first instincts are correct 90% of the time.
Norm: Well it’s also a fact that nutcases are wrong about their first instincts in that remaining 10% of the time…so...you know.
Diane: Would somebody please tell me what’s going on?
Frasier: We don’t know, Diane.
{Carla emerges from the back and unloads a tray of dirty glasses at the bar.}
Woody: Hey, Carla. Sam wanted to see you in his office right away. It sounded important.
Carla: Oh yeah? Ok. [She goes into the office without knocking, leaving the rest of the bar extremely curious.]
{In Sam’s office}
Carla: So, Sammy, what did ya want to talk to me about? [She jumps on the couch and lounges]
Sam: [Swiveling his chair to face her] Right…uh…how do I say this…[his eyes are wide open and blood-shot; his face is red]
Carla: Whoa! What’s wrong with you? You look like you’re gonna kill someone – ooh! Is it Diane?
Sam: No…if only it were that simple…argh! [He grunts and bangs his head on the desk]
Carla: Hey, hey! Tell me what’s going on!
Sam: [He stops the banging but leaves his face on the desk] Carla, I need your help.
Carla: With what?
Sam: [He looks up] I think I knocked up a girl.
Carla: You what??!! Geez, Sam! You of all people should have had enough practice to know how to prevent this! That is…unless she was a Tortelli. Then nothing works.
Sam: [Dropping his face in his hands] I did everything that I needed to do! I don’t know what went wrong! But this afternoon I get a message on my machine from this girl I messed around with last week saying she’s late.
Carla: You’re in one hell of a sticky situation. But you’re, Sammy. You can pull yourself up. You could do like the other scuzballs I’ve dated and disown the kid. But my guess is you’ll get off easy – any woman would be glad to have your kid.
Sam: [A glimmer of hope in his eyes] Yeah...I could tell her it’d be like a souvenir from that one unforgettable night with Sam “Mayday” Malone.
Carla: [Hits the back of his head] You doofus! I can’t believe you did this! You’re gonna be a father! And since you’re not half the sleaze-bag Nick is, this is the end of your life as you know it. You’re gonna feel guilty and start paying child support, then you’re gonna want to spend time with the kid – this is gonna tie you down for good! Say goodbye to the old Sam Malone, chick magnet.
Sam: Oh God, you’re right! [Bangs his head on the desk again]
Carla: Come on – cheer up. There’s at least one good thing you can get from all of this.
Sam: What’s that?
Carla: Seeing the look on Diane’s face once she hears about this! [Carla opens the door and runs out] Hey, Diane! Guess what!!
Sam: [Rushes out after her, straps his hand around her mouth and drags her back into the office. Once they’re there, Carla tries to bite his hand off.] Ouch! Carla! I don’t want anybody to know about this! I only asked you because...I thought you had experience in these types of situations.
Carla: Well gee, thanks. But you do know that Diane will find a way to find out. And once she finds out, the whole of Boston will know about how you screwed up.
Sam: Thanks, Carla. You made me feel a lot better.
Carla: [Smiles] No problem! [She walks out]
Sam: [Shouting] Really! Thanks for your help! [He slams the door]
{Out in the bar, the gang try to contain their curiosity...but after a few seconds they all bombard Carla with questions.}
Cliff: I was right, wasn’t I?
Woody: Something bothering Sam, Carla?
Diane: What did he stop you from telling me?
Carla: Hey hey hey! Settle down! [They settle down] Now I’m not gonna tell any of you anything. That’s between Sam and I.
Diane: You mean “Sam and me.”
Carla: [Laughs devilishly] You wish! [Her laughter fades as she walks back to the pool room]
Diane: Oh this is ridiculous. I’m going to find out for myself. [She starts to make her way to the office]
Frasier: Wait a minute, Diane. Do you really think that’s a good idea?
Diane: What do you mean?
Frasier: Well, judging from what little information Carla gave us and from Sam’s peculiar behavior, it seems to me that this problem is a source of great embarrassment for him – something he isn’t prepared to divulge yet. And prying that information from him may be a disastrous step in building a system of trust.
Diane: But what could be so embarrassing? We are talking about a man who uses his salad fork to eat fish! [Releases her "Diane laugh"]
Frasier: Well, Diane, have you thought of the possibility that this matter may concern you? Oh who am I kidding – of course you have!
Diane: [Rolls her eyes] If you’re so sure of yourself, why don’t you go talk to him?
Everyone: Yeah!
Frasier: Well...I suppose I could use my expertise in this case to help a friend.
Everyone: Yeah!
Frasier: All right, I’ll do it!
Norm: [Just as Frasier is about to knock] Psst, Frasier. Tell us EVERYTHING when you’re done. [Frasier laughs and dismisses the request with a wave of his hand as he enters the office, but gives them a last-minute thumbs-up as he disappears into the room]
ACT TWO
{In Sam’s office}
Frasier: Sam?
Sam: [Still with his head on his desk] Oh geez, Carla told everyone, didn’t she?
Frasier: No, she didn’t. I came in here because I think I can help you.
Sam: [Looks up, hopelessly lost] Yeah? How?
Frasier: [Sits down on the couch] Well, first, Sam, I was hoping you would care to share your problem with me.
Sam: Oh...I don’t know about this, Frasier. I really don’t think you can help me with this one. I don’t even know where to start.
Frasier: All right, I’ll help get you started. Is this about a woman?
Sam: Yeah...
Frasier: [Frasier’s nostrils flare slightly] Someone you care about?
Sam: Well I kinda did...I mean I do...but nothing long term...I just thought she was a real looker and wanted to hit the sack. Boy was that a mistake! Am I a bad person for wishing she were dead and that I never met her?
Frasier: [Nostrils flaring, face reddening] No, I know just what you mean.
Sam: I mean I never knew it could turn into a living nightmare!
Frasier: Indeed! [Stands up and raises his fist in anger] That woman is the Devil incarnate!
Sam: [Looking up at Frasier, confused] Uh...are we talking about the same thing here?
Frasier: Huh? Oh, sorry. [Sits back down] Please, go on.
Sam: Well...the thing is...I’ve known her for a while now...and I know she really has the hots for me – every time I see her she gets weak in the knees [laughs fondly].
Frasier: [Tries to control his rage by speaking in a rock-solid tone] Go on.
Sam: I messed around with her a few times last year – whew! Were those crazy nights!
Frasier: [Raising his voice] Last year?!
Sam: Frasier, are you ok?
Frasier: Am I ok--AM I OK?
Sam: Are you?
Frasier: That little strumpet! And I actually had the audacity to ask her to marry me!
Sam: You talking about Diane?
Frasier: Of course! Who else could enrage me so? The woman who ripped my heart out and stomped on it with those delicate little porcelain feet! I could just crush them with my bare hands! [Comes into realization] Wait...you were talking about Diane, weren’t you?
Sam: [shakes his head slowly] No....Frasier, do you need to lie down?
Frasier: [Shaking] No...thank you. Just need to wash my face...[mumbles] and wring her neck...[He leaves the office]
{In the bar}
Frasier: [Upon seeing Diane] You impudent woman! [wrings his hands in rage and stomps to the bathroom]
Carla: You do seem to have that effect on people, don’t you?
Diane: This is insane. I’m going in there to get this straight. [She knocks on the door] Sam? May I come in?
Sam: [from inside] No!
Diane: Oh come on, Sam! Just for a minute?
Sam: No!
Diane: Please?
Sam: There is no way in hell that I want to talk to you right now!
Diane: Well, ok, Sam. I respect that. [She goes in anyway]
{In the office}
Sam: [Raising his head in disbelief upon seeing her] Didn’t I just tell you to leave me alone?
Diane: Yeah, I’m just saving us some time.
Sam: What?
Diane: You always say no, and then we get into some silly argument, which always ends with me coming in here anyway. So what’s on your mind?
Sam: Nothing you can help me with.
Diane: Oh come on. Try me. [Says jokingly] What’s her name and how many months? [Laughs]
Sam: [Hesitantly] Bambi...and maybe a few weeks...
Diane: [All the color flushes out of her face] What?! Sam Malone?! Are you serious?! My goodness, you’re serious, aren’t you!? Good Lord! I’m speechless!
Sam: That’s funny, you don’t sound speechless.
Diane: This is incredible! I can’t believe it! How irresponsible!
Sam: Ok, ok! Now look, I already had Carla come in here to yell at me! So why don’t you show yourself out!
Diane: But Sam! This is serious! You’re going to be a father! What are you going to do?
Sam: I don’t know! Now will you please leave?
Diane: But Sam! Well I guess this was inevitable. They say protection is only effective 99% of the time – I guess you’ve done it enough times so you were bound to reach that 1% someday! Oh my God!
Sam: Ok, I’ll show you out! [He opens the door, pushes her out and slams the door]
Diane: [Coming back in a second after the door closed] What are you going to tell her? Are you going to marry her? You have to support the child!
Sam: Diane, I already have one problem – I don’t need another one! Now get out!
Diane: Oh come on, Sam. I’m only trying to help. What are you going to do?
Sam: [Slumps down in his chair and buries his face in his hands] I don’t know...
Diane: [Trying to sound gentler] This is by far the stupidest thing you’ve ever done. Poor Sam.
Sam: Diane! Calling me stupid isn’t going to make anything better!
Diane: [Flatly] Don’t I know it.
Sam: That’s it! [He jumps out of his chair and storms out of the office. Diane follows him out]
{In the bar}
Norm: Whoa, Sammy! What’s going on?
Sam: None of your business!
Cliff: Come on, Sam. We eh wanna help.
Sam: No you don’t – you just want to know the dirt so you can all call me stupid!
Norm: Hey! I’m offended! We’re your friends, ok? All we want is to help you.
Sam: [Seeing right through them] I already told Diane about it.
Everyone: [Turns away from Sam to face Diane and bombard her with questions] Whao, Diane! What did he say? Tell us, Diane!
Sam: Knew it. I’m getting out of here. [He runs to grab his coat and leaves]
{Several hours later, the bar is empty except for Diane and Woody, who are wiping down the tables and dusting the stools. Sam walks in.}
Sam: Oh...I didn’t expect anybody to still be here.
Woody: We were just about to lock up for you. And don’t worry, Sam. Your secret’s safe with me [he winks at Sam and smiles].
Sam: Oh so everybody knows now, huh? Thanks a lot, Diane.
Woody: It’s ok Sam. It happens to a lot of people. It happened to my Uncle Bertie once.
Sam: Yeah? ...What did he do about it?
Woody: He did what any decent man in Hanover would do: he cut it up into little pieces and fed it to the dogs. It’s not good to waste meat, you know. [Sam gives him a look of horror] Well I gotta get going, guys! See y’all tomorrow! [He leaves]
Sam: ...is it just me or isn’t that illegal?
Diane: [Laughs] No, Sam, it isn’t just you. I didn’t tell them anything about your...problem.
Sam: [Relieved]You didn’t?! Well that’s a first. Wait a minute – you could never keep quiet for that long.
Diane: [Indignant] I beg to differ! I like to think I have some sense of propriety!
Sam: Yeah, you’d LIKE to think that. Oh come on – what did you tell them?
Diane: Well it’s true – I had to tell them something. They were begging me for hours, Sam. One man offered me a $50 tip! Norman even said he would pay his beer tab!
Sam: Wow! So what did you say?
Diane: Obviously Frasier and Carla already knew it was something else, but I told the rest of the bar that you had adopted this cute little kitten from an animal shelter and that you accidentally ran over it this morning, and that you were heartbroken, poor thing, and didn’t know what to do.
Sam: That’s what you told them?! Oh come on! You made me look like a big sissy!
Diane: Well would you rather I have told them you knocked up some girl?
Sam: At least they wouldn’t think I was a sissy! A kitten? A KITTEN? Why couldn’t it have been a dog?
Diane: I don’t know! But I do know that that’s the last time I try to help you. [She hurries to the front of the bar]
Sam: Oh ok, look, I’m sorry. Thanks for not telling everyone.
Diane: [She stops and says, somewhat reluctantly] You’re welcome. So...what were you doing all this time?
Sam: I went over to her place...to talk it out...
Diane: That was a very noble thing to do, Sam. What did she say?
Sam: Boy, Diane, I think somebody up there likes me. Turns out she was wrong – she’s not pregnant! Whoo! Isn’t that great? [He claps and stretches out his arms]
Diane: [Sighs, shakes her head and sits down on the steps]
Sam: What’s the matter? Shouldn’t you be happy? I’m happy! Look at me! [He does a little happy dance]
Diane: [Looks up at him, a pained look on her face] Sam, I hope you realize the gravity of the situation from which you just barely escaped.
Sam: Well gee...of course I do. [He sits down next to her]
Diane: Did you ever stop to think what you would do if she really were pregnant?
Sam: Well sure! I think I’d like to call the little rascal Sammy Jr., teach him all the moves I know in baseball, and pass on all my best pick-up lines-
Diane: Sam! Have you learned nothing?
Sam: Aw come on, I’m just joking.
Diane: Then what have you learned?
Sam: Never to have sex again, that’s for sure!
Diane: [Sighs and rolls her eyes – then turns to stare at him sarcastically]
Sam: Yeah you’re right – that won’t happen.
Diane: [Sighs again and stands up to get her coat and purse] I should have known.
Sam: Now wait a minute. I may be a little stupid sometimes, a little insensitive, a little rough around the edges, but – what was I trying to say? [Diane rolls her eyes and starts to open the door] Hey wait! I remember. I may be all those things, but Sam Malone is a decent human being [Diane gives him a look of surprise and hopefulness]. Yeah, and if I had to, I would have helped her through it – financially and [he mumbles]...emotionally...
Diane: [Smiling] Why, Sam. That’s beautiful. I always knew you had a heart of gold.
Sam: [Starting to get embarrassed] Yeah, well, whatever. Let’s lock up. [They lock the door and continue to talk as they climb the outside steps] Now don’t go spreading that around – it’s enough that these guys think I had a kitten. A KITTEN?!
Diane: [Laughs] It was a big kitten!
Sam: Kittens aren’t big. Oh God – and this one had to be cute. Why not a one-eyed cat? Now THAT I could live with.
Diane: Well this one was cute but big. And she had a big pink bow around her neck and-
Sam: SHE? A PINK BOW? You’re killing me!
THE END