DAY 7

PREVIOUSLY ON SURVIVOR:

I don’t do flashbacks, you will just have to go back and read the previous episode if you want to know everything.

TAGUCHAMBUROTU CAMP:

CARLA ON THE PREVIOUS TRIBAL COUNCIL:

Are you completely deranged, Norm!? ‘Jeff Probst’, Norm!? Did you honestly think that you would get away with that!? I swear, all that beer you’ve drank over the years must have finally gone to your head! It could have been a strong alliance, you, me, and Frank! Now one of us has two votes against them, and that might come back to haunt you! I just hope your little joke was worth it, it might cost you $1million!

NORM EXPLAINS HIS VOTE:

Why did I do what I did? I have two reasons. First, I’ve seen every episode of Survivor, and at Tribal Council and challenges everyone always looks so serious. I made a vow that if I got picked this year, I would keep it fun. When people see that episode and go to work the next day, they won’t be talking about who got voted off, they will be saying ‘I can’t believe that guy tried to vote off Jeff Probst’. Second, I would love to be able to vote off Jeff Probst, the guy bugs me. But trust me, I have more tricks up my sleeve.

Morning began with Frank near a bush picking some figs. He opened another bug infested fig, and once again ate it flies and all. “What are you doing?” asked Robert as he stood up from his seat by the fire.

“What does it look like, Sherlock?” replied Frank.

“It never occurred to you that those insects could be dangerous! Now, if you had checked each individual insect with the survival binder…”

“This again! How many times do I have to tell you? That stupid binder is just a guide! Screw the binder!” insisted Frank.

“It is not just a guide, it could be life or death! The binder is… well, binding,” informed Robert.

“Shut up, Frank,” intervened Marie near her treasured cooking pot.

“What?” asked Frank.

“I know you, Frank. He said ‘binding’, and you were about to do a dirty joke,” insisted Marie.

“A dirty joke? Do you think you know me that well?” asked Frank.

“Now, as I was saying…”

Robert could not finish his sentence. “Good call! So’s the rice, big foot!” interrupted Frank.

“And cheese, believe me, I know,” added Norm.

“Cardboard,” replied Carla. Suddenly, all eyes were on her. “Don’t laugh, my youngest kid once ate an entire refrigerator box. The bathroom plumbing was out for days.”

“Are you crazy? You can’t feed a person cardboard. I knew you were no Julia Child, but I thought you at least knew that,” insisted Marie.

“Lady, I have eight kids. I can’t possibly be around every time one of them gets dared to do something,” insisted Carla.

REBECCA TALKS ABOUT THE MORNING’S EVENTS:

I don’t get it. Why won’t this tribe give Robert the time of day? He has important information that has volunteered to share with the rest of us on more than one occasion, and everyone just makes fun of him. I would think that if you were smart you would listen to him, it just may save your life.

“We have mail, and it is the weirdest mail yet!” insisted Robert. He returned to camp and began to read the latest Tree Mail. “’Pick four from your tribe to go on a quest. You may decide who you think would be best. X marks the spot for a most exciting day. What awaits at the finish line, we just can’t say.’, and there’s a map to the spot. Who’s going?”

“I would say you and Frank are our two strongest,” insisted Carla.

“If Frank is going, I guess I have to go to make sure he doesn’t get lost,” insisted Marie.

“I won’t get lost, I can read a map,” insisted Frank.

“This from the man who on a trip to see my parents, spent two hours just driving around Lindbrook. We passed the same gas station five times,” explained Marie.

“Did you ever think maybe I wasn’t really lost?” insisted Frank.

“Scratch what I just said. I’ll try to lose him,” responded Marie.

“That’s three, we need four,” informed Carla.

“I might as well go, wasn’t planning on doing anything else today,” explained Norm.

PAGAKORANAMU CAMP:

Jesse and Raymond had Chrissy Watch once again. “I still can’t believe Claire out drove me at our golf tournament yesterday. Out shot me by a good ten feet, and I am the one who brought the golf club and ball for a luxury item,” insisted Ray.

“Please don’t talk to me about golf. I played golf twice in my life. The first was in my back yard, and I tore the lawn to pieces. The second was at a golf course, I shot 159. It took six hours just to play nine holes,” explained Jesse.

Later on the conversation shifted gears. “I don’t know how many more nights I can do this,” insisted Ray.

“We need to get rid of Chrissy,” insisted Jesse.

“She is in a strong alliance. You see Jack and Janet with her all the time. They’re like Butch, Sundance, and… Sundance Jr. How can we possibly break them up? I don’t think Claire and Thelma would side with us,” explained Ray.

“Thelma might, Claire could be difficult. She probably thinks Jack saved her by voting for Alex. She would probably side with him, and one of us would be out,” responded Jesse.

“I give her two more nights of Chrissy Watch and then I think she will change her mind,” insisted Ray.

About thirty minutes passed and the conversation turned to families. “I don’t get you, Ray. I would give anything to have my family on my team,” insisted Jesse.

“I’m telling you, my family is the biggest bunch of screw balls you will ever find. My childhood, it was like growing up in a mental hospital. My parents argue over the dumbest things. And I think I told you about the weird things my brother does. Seven days away from them has been seven days in heaven,” explained Ray.

“My parents fought too. Everyone’s parents have the occasional argument. I probably even had some disagreements with my sister when she was alive, but when she died and I moved in with her husband to take care of his kids, I realized that there is nothing I would not do for my family. I can’t believe you don’t feel the same way,” insisted Jesse.

“I try, but I can’t even get them a Christmas gift that they like. I once signed them up for the Fruit of the Month Club, they still won’t let me forget that one. One year, I got everyone I know a toaster, and I had them all engraved with ‘Merry Christmas’ and the names of me, my wife Debra, and my kids Allie, Michael, and Geoffrey. I figured that this gift had a chance of working with my parents. They never even opened the box, exchanged it for a coffee machine. Once I even tried a family portrait, what a freakin’ mistake that was. I got nothing but complaints ‘Why are Debra’s parents here? This is a Barone family portrait, they aren’t Barones.’ ‘Debra’s father won’t shut up.’ ‘Why can’t my girlfriend be in the picture’,” informed Ray.

“I have to say it Ray, I am having a hard time believing all these stories,” insisted Jesse.

“Here’s another one, one Christmas as a kid I got a Hotwheels race track with some cars, and I set it up in the basement. My brother decides to go down and rearrange my track. You should know at this point that my dad had these old jazz records that he listened to all the time. Anyway, my brother decides that he needs more space for the track, so he moves my father’s records out of the way. As luck would have it, he puts the records next to the furnace, of course they get destroyed, and I took the blame for it, for thirty years! The worst part, I tried to make it up to him. Last Christmas, I replaced his records with CDs. He listened to one CD for thirty seconds, and said ‘I want my records back!’. The guy is hard headed,” insisted Ray.

“He may seem hard headed, but sometimes you have to go deeper below the surface and see how he really feels. I’m sure he is not as coldhearted as you say he is,” insisted Jesse.

“There is no ‘deeper’ anything with my father. He thinks the moral of the Adam and Eave story is ‘Don’t eat fruit when you’re naked.’,” explained Ray. “You think I’m exaggerating. You’ll meet my family. When we merge, or at the reunion show, you’ll meet them. You’ll see what I am talking about,” explained Ray.

“We have Tree Mail!” said Jack later on that day. “’ Pick four from your tribe to go on a quest. You may decide who you think would be best. X marks the spot for a most exciting day. What awaits at the finish line, we just can’t say.’, and they give us a map to the spot.”

“Ray, it’s time to wake up for school Ray,” said Thelma to a fast asleep Raymond. “Wake up you lazy sack of bones!”

“Why would they only want four of us?” asked Claire.

“Who knows? I say we take Jack, Claire, Jesse, and Ray as our strongest,” insisted Janet.

“Good luck waking up that sleeping beauty,” insisted Thelma.

“Wait a minute, what if it is some sort of defend the camp challenge? Should we really send out all of our strongest players?” asked Claire.

“Claire does have a point. I say we replace Ray with Thelma, and Claire with Janet,” responded Jack.

“I don’t feel safe leaving Chrissy here with Ray on guard. We may never see food again,” insisted Thelma.

“I’ve been good, Thelma! I haven’t eaten anything but rice for the passed three days!” replied Chrissy.

“Well, excuse me for not trusting a peach thief!” retorted Thelma.

“It’s probably just a Reward Challenge, it’s not a must win. We can send Chrissy, Thelma, Jack, and me,” informed Jesse.

Jack, Thelma, Jesse, and Chrissy met Robert, Marie, Frank and Norm at the spot on the map. Just then, Jeff Probst appeared from the bushes. “Welcome back, Survivors, to what was the original drop point on the first day. We brought you back here for what we think will be a very interesting day. As I am sure you have figured out, the game of Survivor is always changing, today is no exception. Please hand me your buffs,” insisted Jeff Probst. The four Taguchamburotu members removed their blue buffs and placed them in his right hand. The four Pagakoranamu members removed their green buffs and placed them in his left hand. Then Jeff Probst switched the buffs in his hands, and said “Jack, Jesse, Thelma, and Chrissy, you are now members of Taguchamburotu.”

“Have mercy,” responded Jesse in complete shock.

“Holy crap!” added Frank.

“Robert, Marie, Frank, and Norm, you are now members of Pagakoranamu. Here are maps to your new homes. Taguchamburotu people, you’re going right. Pagakoranamu people, you’re going left. Good luck,” said Jeff Probst as he handed out maps. The Survivors left in a total state of confusion.

JACK ON THE SURPRISE SWITCH:

That whole incident just made my blood freeze. I’m still in shock. Seriously, if Jeff had made the offer of give me your buff or no rice for a week, I would happily have given him the rice container, and so would the rest of my group I’m sure. Chrissy and I had a good, natural alliance with Janet, someone we have known for years, and she could be leaving because of this.

TAGUCHAMBUROTU CAMP:

“Becky!” called new tribe member Jesse as he approached the blue flag. “Honey, I’m home!”

“Gees, I think the other team is coming here!” explained Carla. “Wait, why are they wearing blue?”

“There’s been a change of plans. We’re your new tribe members. This is Jack, Chrissy, and Thelma. That’s my brother in law Danny, my wife Rebecca, and I don’t know her,” insisted Jesse.

“Put it this way, Thelma, meet Louise, otherwise known as Carla,” explained Rebecca.

“Carla, your legs must be tired. You’ve been running through my mind all day,” insisted Jack.

“We just met, and I think you should know something. If you insist on using those lame lines with me, you should be prepared to back them up,” explained Carla.

JESSE TALKS ABOUT HIS NEW TRIBE:

When that switch first happened, I was completely shocked. I was angry for a while, but then I realized that I would be on the same tribe with my family. After going a week out here with very little contact with them, I was finally going to get to spend time with my family again. Really, they are the only people I trust out here. They are the only ones I know won’t double cross me or try to vote me off.

The tribe sat around the fire as Jesse began making twisting motions with his hand and imitating radio static. “GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD MORNING AUSTRALIA! Welcome to a special late edition of the J&J Outback Morning Radio Show! I am Jesse Katsopolis!”

“And I’m Jack Tripper! We may have a new location, and a new staff, but we still have your favorite Rock and Roll classics just waiting to be played!” insisted Jack.

“That’s right, but first let’s go to the news with Rebecca Donaldson, our new very talented reporter, and I’m not just saying that because she’s my wife!” informed Jesse.

“The big change is the news today, Jesse. Earlier this morning, word came down from management that four members from station KPAG would soon be transferred to our station KTAG. As a result, four of our original members were fired. As for traffic, we had a mild tie up this morning with a few kangaroos passing by the camp, but that appears to have cleared up now. Now, over to Danny Tanner with the sports,” explained Rebecca.

“Thank you, Rebecca. In local sports, the Taguchamburotu tribe is now officially on a loosing streak having lost their last two challenges. But there does appear to be new hope for a turn around with some recent new editions to the team. The current record stands at 1-2. Back to you, Jesse,” informed Danny.

“All right, now let’s get back to the music with three in a row from Bruce Springsteen!” insisted Jesse. He then went into his rendition of Born to Run, Born in the USA, and Racing in the Street.

CARLA ON BEING INTRODUCED TO THE RADIO SHOW:

I have to say, the radio show was actually fun. I give you credit for that, Jesse. But I also have to tell you that I have listened to Bruce Springsteen, I have seen Bruce Springsteen, and I think I slept with one of his roadies once. Jesse, you are no Bruce Springsteen, you butchered those songs! Take my advice, don’t ever go into music professionally!

PAGAKORANAMU CAMP:

“Oh Raymond!” called Robert as he approached the Pagakoranamu flag.

Raymond turned around from his seat under a tree and looked on in disbelief. The members of his family were now wearing green. They were on his team now. “No, it can’t be,” complained Raymond.

“Yes it can, dear. Your mother and your brother are here. I’m just sorry the fat slob had to come with us,” insisted Marie.

“His name is Norm, Marie!” replied Frank.

“I wasn’t talking about him,” responded Marie. “Oh, won’t this be fun Raymond. The Barone family working side by side.”

“Yeah, words cannot express my joy,” responded Ray.

RAY’S REACTION TO THE SWITCH:

What are you doing to me!? Up until today I was actually enjoying this experience! I was miles away from my family for the first time in years! I was happy, and then you had to go and screw me over! You people are sick! The worst part of this is that Jesse is on the other side now, and he is not here to see the freak show that just rolled into town!

“We have mail!” insisted Ray.

“Holy crap, who is getting switched now?” asked Frank.

“’What it takes to win this game, a combination of teamwork and aim. You’ll want to compete. It’s a chance for fresh meat. Just remember to look for the names.’ Yeah, that rhymes,” informed Ray.

“I’m sure you could have written a better one, dear. You’re very talented,” insisted Marie.

“Oh sure, story of my life. ‘Raymond is so smart’, ‘Raymond can do anything’, ‘of course you can have some ice cream, Raymond’, ‘Have some more cookies, Raymond’. Raymond, Raymond, Raymond. Some things never change,” insisted Robert.

“You have nothing to complain about, Robert! You had a perfectly normal childhood! I was a good mother!” insisted Marie.

“Normal, as in you repeatedly yelling at dad not to scratch his butt with a fork… at dinner… with someone else’s fork… in the restaurant,” replied Robert.

“Norm, Janet, Claire; welcome to my life. Just sit back and enjoy the circus,” insisted Raymond.

REWARD CHALLENGE:

The tribes met host Jeff Probst at Challenge Beach. “Well, this is my first look at the new tribes. Anyway, today is the Reward Challenge. These are the rules. Behind me on the river are two floating platforms containing two barrels of rocks. These platforms are separated by a dividing plank and about 120 feet of water. At opposite ends of that dividing line are canoes. The canoes contain six oars and a slingshot, and hanging above them are plates with the Survivors’ names on them. You’ll be firing at those plates. Six tribe members will be paddlers; one will be a shooter. Each tribe will paddle across from each other in opposite directions. When you reach the opposite platform from your starting point; you will reload, and pass the sling shot to another eligible shooter. The key word there is eligible; because once a Survivor’s plate is broken they are no longer eligible to be a shooter. One last thing, aim high. If you miss and hit one of your opponents, you’re out of the challenge. You must leave the canoe and sit on the beach, your plate is automatically broken, and you’re tribe continues down a player. First team to take out all of their opponent’s plates wins reward. Here’s what you are playing for.” A stagehand wheeled out a cage containing four chickens. “Fresh meat, four chickens. Two are hens, and two are roosters. You can eat them, or keep them and hope for eggs. Let’s begin the challenge. Taguchamburotu, you’re paddling left to right; Pagakoranamu, you’re paddling right to left.” The tribes seated themselves in their respective canoes. “Survivors ready! … GO!”

And so the tribes began paddling. As the canoes began to cross each other, Claire took the first shot for Pagakoranamu, taking out Chrissy’s plate. Jack returned the favor, knocking out Norm’s plate. “Right from the start, Chrissy and Norm are no longer eligible shooters!” called Jeff Probst from the beach. Claire passed off to Janet, who narrowly missed Thelma’s plate. Jack passed off to Danny, who succeeded in taking out Janet’s plate. “Janet can no longer shoot!”

On the third passing, Jesse received the slingshot. “Good luck aiming through all that hair, Nancy!” yelled Frank.

“Let me guess, you’re a little jealous!” retorted Jesse. But this small aside was enough to make Jesse lose his concentration. He missed his shot, and hit Robert in the shoulder. Meanwhile, Raymond took out Rebecca’s plate.

“Hold up! Jesse, your last shot hit Robert in the shoulder. You’re out of the challenge, you have to take a seat on the beach,” insisted Jeff Probst.

“Yeah, I messed up. I’m done,” replied Jesse. He walked off the platform and took a seat on the beach.

Frank would get the slingshot next for Pagakoranamu. “I’ve waited a long time for this opportunity,” he mumbled under his breath. As the canoes passed each other, Frank took his aim and hit Danny clean in the nose, nowhere near his plate.

Immediately, Jesse was on his feet. “ARE YOU CRAZY! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!”

“Frank, you’re out of the challenge for… hitting Danny in the nose,” insisted Jeff Probst.

“Well worth the penalty,” responded Frank as he walked to the beach.

“Hey Frank, what the hell was that out there?” demanded Jesse.

“What ever do you mean?” responded Frank.

“What ever do I… That assault on my brother in law! What was that?” asked Jesse.

“Oh Danielle, just another part of my effort to turn him into an actual guy!” insisted Frank.

“What does that mean?” asked Jesse.

“It means that his name should be Danielle!” responded Frank. “He’s on your team now! You should be thanking me for trying to make him stronger!”

“Yeah, I’m really thankful for that, Frank! And way to help your team, getting thrown out of the challenge!” replied Jesse.

“Look whose talking! Who was here first?” replied Frank.

“Oh please, there’s a huge difference between us! My hitting Robert was an accident; a mistake that I admitted to! You on the other hand… ‘Well worth the penalty’! You came out looking for blood!” responded Jesse.

“OH ROBERT, WHERE ARE YOU FIRING THAT! COME ON, HAVE SOME EYES OUT THERE!” yelled Frank in response to his son’s recently missed shot.

“Again, way to help your team, Frank! This might come as a surprise to you, but most people respond better to encouragement!” informed Jesse.

“Oh, my deepest apologies! ROBERT, YOU ARE VERY GOOD AT SCREWING UP! Is that better, long hair?” replied Frank.

Meanwhile, back at the challenge, Danny had taken out Ray’s plate. It was then Marie’s turn to shoot. She took her aim and fired a shot at Thelma’s plate. Just then Thelma raised her arm to block the shot, taking one in the wrist. “Foul!” yelled Thelma.

“You cheated,” responded Marie.

“Marie, your shot hit Thelma. You’re out of the challenge,” informed Jeff Probst.

“She extended her arms; she wanted to get hit. That should not count,” insisted Marie.

“Oh, go sit on a tack you whiner!” responded Thelma Marie took a seat on the beach.

“Well, look who could not bear to be apart from me!” insisted Frank.

“Unlike you, I don’t belong here!” explained Marie.

“And I do! This is the thanks I get for trying to make a man out of someone!” responded Frank.

“You attacked him! I think after the challenge you should at least apologize to him!” insisted Marie.

“Forget it, Frank Barone does not apologize for anything! He may not have many friends, but he does not apologize for anything!” replied Frank.

“You see, even your own teammate thinks you were out of line… Wait a minute, did you just say Frank Barone?” asked Jesse.

“Yeah, and this is my annoying wife Marie!” informed Frank.

“Just out of curiosity, do you have a son named Raymond?” asked Jesse.

“Yeah, what’s it to you?” responded Frank.

“Okay, now this question is just a clarifier. Did you really tell Ray to drink Jack Daniels before his wedding?” asked Jesse.

“He didn’t have to drink the whole thing; I thought it would help him relax! Besides, how do you think I got through my wedding?” asked Frank. Jesse just stood and stared in disbelief; certain that at least some of Ray’s stories were true.

“Oh, you’ll never change, Frank! You’re just as loud as the day I married you!” replied Marie.

“Yeah, and you’re perfect! All day long it’s nothing but nagging! ‘Frank, don’t put your shoes on the coffee table’, ‘Frank, your sleeve is not a napkin’, ‘Frank, don’t eat that. It has peppers’, ‘Frank, dance with me’! “ responded Frank.

“Well, peppers give you heartburn!” insisted Marie.

“The heartburn is not from the peppers!” replied Frank.

“And as for the dancing, we were at a party! People usually have fun at parties!” insisted Marie.

“Exactly, it was a party! People were eating; precisely why you shouldn’t dance!” responded Frank.

“I don’t believe this,” insisted Jesse.

Then Jeff Probst walked over to the three of them. “I just thought you would like to know that it’s over. Robert just took out the last Taguchamburotu plate. Pagakoranamu wins reward; you can all head back to camp.”

JESSE ON THE ARGUMENT:

Man Ray, I am really sorry I doubted you. After today, I am totally convinced that all of your stories are true. I always tell my kids back home that if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything. But you know something, my kids are not here, and Frank, you’re a jerk. Really, I can’t imagine why anyone would enjoy treating people the way you do, especially your own family.

JANET TALKS ABOUT THE CHALLENGE:

Robert, you really came through for us today. Honestly, I don’t think anyone else was paying attention to the challenge today. We were all too busy watching the craziness on the beach. I don’t know, I guess Robert is used to it. The bottom line is, Robert is the reason that we won.

PAGAKORANAMU CAMP:

Back at camp, Marie had decided to cook a chicken. “Okay everyone, help yourselves, except for the breast. I’m saving that for…”

“Raymond. Are you saving it for Raymond? It’s for Raymond, right?” asked Robert.

“Not that it is any of your business, but Raymond,” informed Marie.

Robert left the fire and found Raymond searching for berries in the bushes. “Heaven forbid I should ever want the breast,” insisted Robert.

“Don’t look at me, you’ll have to talk to your wife,” replied Ray. The next sound Ray heard was the sound of jeans being unzipped. “Oh Robert, what are you doing?”

“What does it look like?” responded Robert.

“Do you have to do that here? I’m trying to pick fruit over here,” insisted Ray.

“Oh fine, story of my life, Raymond gets everything he wants. ‘Robert, that breast meat is for Raymond’, ‘Robert, that chair is for Raymond’, ‘Robert, don’t pee around Raymond’! Do you know what you are, Ray? Intrusive, that’s what you are!” responded Robert.

“Excuse me,” replied Ray. The two headed back to the fire.

“You heard me, Ray, you are intrusive!” insisted Robert.

“I’m intrusive! You’re the one who unzips his pants in front of me, and I’m the one that’s intrusive!” responded Ray.

“Intrusive!” responded Robert.

“I’m not intrusive! You’re intrusive! Do you remember the time that I took you to the baseball hall of fame to meet the 69 Mets? You did nothing but bug me the whole time; it wrecked my whole trip!” informed Ray.

“Yeah, I’m the one that would not let Art Shampsky sign my dog’s collar, I’m the one that was a day late for the press meeting, I’m the one that did not want to wait in line, I’m the one that got us kicked out! No, that was all you Ray! IN-TRU-SIVE!” responded Robert.

“You should both try to be more like me, I never interfere,” insisted Marie. Robert started laughing. “What? Why are you laughing?”

“You always interfere! That’s all you do is interfere!” insisted Robert.

“Yeah, if interfering was a professional sport, you would be the undefeated world champion of all time!” intervened Ray.

“You see, Raymond understands!” informed Robert.

“Name one time when I have interfered with your life,” insisted Marie.

“How about the time I was going for that job at the FBI, and you stained my lucky suit with an iron? As if that wasn’t enough, you then sent a fax to the FBI office saying that I might be a little off because I was not wearing my lucky suit! You don’t tell an FBI agent that!” insisted Robert.

“I thought we had an agreement; you would put in your required 20 years as a police officer and then retire. I had no idea your plan was to make me crazy for the rest of my life,” insisted Marie.

“How about my wedding? The priest asked if anyone had any objections to me marrying Amy, and no one raised their hand except for you!” insisted Robert. Norm, Janet, and Claire could only sit back and observe.

“I thought maybe I put to much pressure on you to get married. I was only trying to help,” replied Marie. “What about you Raymond? When have I interfered in your life?”

“Where to begin?” asked Ray. “How about all those times when we were kids, and you would pick out our clothes for us every morning? I remember how all of the clothes had to match exactly,” explained Ray.

“If they don’t match, it’s not an outfit. I just wanted you to look nice for your friends,” informed Marie.

“Boys who wear ‘outfits’ don’t have any friends! The only thing guys want to do to guys who wear ‘outfits’ is beat them up when they’re in them!” responded Ray.

“Who beat you up? I want names and phone numbers, Raymond! I have some mothers to call when we get home!” insisted Marie.

“Are you… I’M ALL GROWN UP MOM!” exclaimed Ray.

“No, you’re not,” insisted Marie.

“Anyway, I have the story to top all stories. How about the time you drove a car through my house?” asked Raymond.

Finally Janet spoke up. “She drove a car through your house?”

“Yes, I was home in my living room. My mother was on her way to the market or something. As she pulls out of her driveway, she misjudges the width of… I don’t know, the whole street, and drives right through my wall!” insisted Ray.

“I told you, you should have let me drive!” insisted Frank.

“You can’t see anymore!” informed Marie.

“I can see a building!” replied Frank. “And what about you, Robert? How about when you tried to give me and Ray marriage advice?”

“Seriously Robert, how long have you been married, a week?” asked Ray.

“Well, you need marriage advice, Ray! Seriously, this guy once got into a three week stand off with his wife over who was supposed to move a suitcase! Trust me Ray, in my many years of dealing with domestic disputes, I can tell you that it is never just about the suitcase!” explained Robert.

“Yeah, sometimes it’s about a sticky clock,” intervened Frank.

“Shut up, Frank!” replied Marie.

“Oh yeah, I forgot about the sticky clock. But for those who did not grow up in the crazy house, why don’t you tell them about the sticky clock?” insisted Ray.

“Raymond, we don’t air dirty laundry in public,” responded Marie.

“I will, my wife went nuts over a clock,” insisted Frank.

“You’re the one who went nuts! I was only trying to help!” informed Marie.

“That was my favorite clock! You had no right to replace it!” insisted Frank.

“It was old and sticky!” responded Marie.

“Big deal, who do you think cares? When is the last time someone came into our house and asked to feel our clocks?” asked Frank.

“I went out and bought you a brand new clock! It was a gift! You’re the one who returned it to the store!” explained Marie.

“I did not want a new clock! Because of you, I had to go clockless for three days! Thankfully, I was able to find the store and get my real clock back!” responded Frank.

“Oh, you never appreciated anything I did for you, ever! I would be busy all day with the cooking, the cleaning, the kids, and you storm through the door with a list of demands and not even a thank you!” insisted Marie.

“You want a thank you, where’s my thank you? I stormed through the door, please! I dragged myself home from work everyday; after ten hours stuck in a suit, stuck in an office, stuck in a car, stuck in traffic! AND IF I NEED TO KNOW THE TIME TO WAKE UP IN THE MORNING SO I COULD GET IN THAT CAR AND GO TO THAT JOB THAT PAID FOR THAT WORTHLESS CLOCK; THEN I’LL TAKE IT BACK FOR MY OLD ONE WHENEVER I WANT AND I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU SAY!” explained Frank.

“What did I tell you? Stupid fight,” intervened Ray.

“Look who’s talking, you taped a football game over your wedding!” responded Frank.

“Oh yeah, pretty dumb, Raymond,” added Robert.

“It was not just any football game; it was the Superbowl. Besides I gave her a second wedding to make up for it,” insisted Raymond.

“Yeah, who’s the stupid one now?” asked Frank.

CLAIRE TALKS ABOUT THE ARGUMENT:

I will admit that when the new people came over here, I panicked. I figured it would Norm, Janet, me, and then the four Barones at Tribal Council. But now… have you seen this family? When you have five kids like I do, it’s a given that fights are going to happen. I have even had a few arguments with my husband over the years. But this family… they do nothing but yell all day long. If we can just get one of them to join us, which I think is definitely possible, we can run this tribe.

DAY 8

PAGAKORANAMU CAMP:

Norm, Janet, and Claire watched over the fire as a pot of rice was busy cooking. “Anybody know what Robert was doing last night? He was up for quite awhile,” asked Claire.

“I don’t know, with Robert it could be anything. The guy is crazy. Knowing that he is out there protecting me; I don’t feel as safe as I used to,” insisted Norm.

Then Robert appeared with the survival binder in hand. “Oh crap, again with that stupid binder,” insisted Frank.

“Well, last night I came up with something that might actually help you keep your attention If you would all join me around the fire,” insisted Robert.

“What for?” asked Frank.

“Just humor him. The guy is weird, and he knows how to handle a weapon,” insisted Norm.

The remaining members of the tribe all joined Robert around the fire. “Now that everyone is present and accounted for, I would like to present to you,” he stopped abruptly and went to the shelter where he retrieved his luxury item, “Forest Ranger Fred.”

“Oh great, not again,” complained Raymond.

“Oh, I get it, you put some leaves on your Traffic Cop Timmy dummy, clever,” insisted Marie.

“MRS. BARONE, LET ME GUESS, YOU’RE THE SMART ONE IN THE GROUP. AND RAYMOND, NO TALKING UNLESS YOU ARE ASKED A QUESTION,” insisted Robert. (NOTE: words in capital letters are spoken by Robert through his ventriloquist dummy)

“Excuse me, I did not know class was in session…”

“ARE YOU DEAF, RAYMOND? I SAID NO TALKING YOU BRAINLESS WASTE OF SKIN!” insisted Robert.

“Robert, that is no way talk to your brother!” insisted Marie.

“Don’t look at me,” insisted Robert.

“Oh God, it is going to be like last time,” added Frank.

“Mom, I’m scared,” replied Ray.

“NO TALKING, RAYMOND! AND THAT GOES FOR YOU TOO, BAULDY!” exclaimed Robert.

“You want to start something with me! We can pick up right where we left off!” informed Frank.

“Frank, it’s a puppet,” explained Norm.

“NOW THAT WE ARE THROUGH WITH THE RUDE INTERUPTIONS, LET’S START THE CLASS. MARIE, YOU SEEM LIKE THE SMART ONE HERE, SO THIS QUESTION IS FOR YOU. WHAT SHOULD YOU DO BEFORE YOU LEAVE A CAMP SITE?” asked Robert.

“Make sure that the fire is out,” replied Marie.

“CORRECT,” informed Robert.

“Properly dispose of all trash,” responded Marie.

“ALSO CORRECT,” informed Robert.

“When no smoke or glowing coals are visible, then it is safe to leave,” replied Marie.

“TRUE, BUT AREN’T YOU FORGETTING ONE VERY IMPORTANT STEP?” asked Robert.

“Like what?” responded Marie.

“WELL, HOW ABOUT MAKING SURE YOUR YOUNGEST SON DIDN’T TIE HIS BROTHER TO A TREE AS PART OF A GAME OF COWBOYS AND INDIANS BEFORE YOU PULL OUT OF A CAMP SITE IN SOUTH DAKOTA? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT, MARIE? OR MAYBE I SHOULD ASK YOUR HUSBAND BURP ‘N’ SLURP IF HE REMEMBERS!” insisted Robert.

“Watch it, Fred, or I will pound you into hamburger meat!” insisted Frank.

“Don’t go crazy, Frank. It’s just a piece of plastic,” insisted Norm.

“Robert, that was over 30 years ago,” explained Marie.

“I don’t have a problem with it,” insisted Robert.

“Anyway, after an hour we realized you were missing and we came right back,” insisted Marie.

“YOU ONLY LEFT YOUR SON TIED TO A TREE FOR TWO HOURS, EXCELLENT PARENTING. BUT WHAT ELSE WOULD I EXPECT FROM SOMEONE WHO FREQUENTLY REFERS TO HER CHILDREN AS ‘RAYMOND AND THE OTHER ONE’,” insisted Robert.

“Oh yeah, we were on our way to Yellowstone, and we missed the ceremonial Indian dancers. Too bad Ray, you would have liked that. I hear those Indian ladies don’t wear much,” insisted Frank.

“OH, HOW SAD, RAYMOND MISSED THE INDIAN DANCERS. MEANWHILE, BACK IN THE FOREST, A LARGE BIRD DECIDES TO BUILD A NEST IN ROBERT’S HAIR. I BET YOU WOULD NOT HAVE LEFT RAYMOND IN THE WOODS FOR TWO HOURS. I CAN SEE IT NOW; ‘RAYMOND IS MISSING!’, ‘RAYMOND IS SCARED AND LOST!’, ‘RAYMOND WILL MISS THE INDIAN DANCERS!’ RAYMOND, RAYMOND, RAYMOND,” explained Robert.

“These people are crazy,” insisted Janet.

“Okay, I have a question,” insisted Raymond.

“THEN RAISE YOUR HAND JACKASS,” insisted Robert. Raymond hesitated for a moment, then raised his hand. “YES RAYMOND.”

“How come you chewed me and dad out for talking, but Norm and Janet can say whatever they want?” asked Raymond.

“EASY STUPID, I LIKE NORM. AND JANET…WELL, SHE CAN COME TO MY PLACE ANY TIME,” responded Robert.

“Is that some sort of pick up line? You know there is such a thing as sexual harassment!” replied Janet.

“Janet, puppet,” insisted Norm.

“NORM AND JANET DON’T TREAT ROBERT LIKE DIRT. ALL ROBERT WANTED TO DO WAS TEACH YOU ABOUT SURVIVAL, AND YOU IGNORED HIM. IF THIS WAS RAYMOND’S SURVIVAL CLASS; YOU’D BE STEALING NOTEBOOKS AND PENS FROM THE CAMERA CREW. BUT APARENTLY NO ONE CARES ABOUT ROBERT. YOU KNOW WHAT, CLASS IS OVER, FORGET IT,” insisted Robert. Then he left for the canoe.

“Man, Fred has some issues,” said Norm.

“I don’t know how to say it, Norm, but Fred doesn’t have real emotions. He’s a puppet,” insisted Claire.

“Thank you, it’s nice to hear someone else say it,” insisted Norm.

JANET ON ROBERT’S ‘CLASS’:

When the new people showed up, and Ray told us to sit back and enjoy the circus, I had no idea he was telling the truth. Seriously, for the past two days it has been a front row seat at the Barone family circus. We have a sort of ringmaster; that would be Marie, and then we have the three clowns. Now I guess we also have a ventriloquist. I would love to be the shrink; that works with this family; that guy would make $1,000,000,000,000 a year, and I would not have to be here right now.

TAGUCHAMBUROTU CAMP:

Jesse and Rebecca took an early morning shift on Chrissy Watch. Immediately the conversation turned to the confrontation at the challenge on the previous day. “I can’t believe what Frank did to Danny in that challenge. How did you put up with him for six solid days?” asked Jesse.

“He picked on Danny a lot, but mostly he argued with Marie. Plus, he was a hard worker, and Danny did not want to vote him off,” informed Rebecca.

“He is the reason I don’t own a gun. Forget voting him off, if I had to put up with him for six days, I’d be ready to shoot him,” insisted Jesse.

“You know sometimes Robert would try to take the time to teach the tribe some valuable survival information; some people would listen and others would not. But what gets me is that Frank is one of the people who would not. His own son, and he won’t listen to what he has to say. He could very well be the biggest jerk I ever met,” insisted Rebecca.

“I have a feeling it is more than him just being a jerk. I’m willing to bet my life that he has a criminal record. This guy has been picked up for some type of domestic disturbance or disturbing the peace or something, I just know it,” responded Jesse.

“The thing is, at no point did Robert or Marie put pressure on us to vote him off. It’s like they’re so used to his craziness,” explained Rebecca.

“He won’t last on the other tribe. Trust me, Ray is just itching to vote him off, and after meeting him I can understand why. Plus with Claire being the big women’s rights advocate that she is, there is no way she will put up with him for more than three days. He is out unless his tribe wins immunity,” responded Jesse.

Later on that night, Thelma rolled over under the shelter. She woke up suddenly and when her vision adjusted to the darkness, she clearly saw Chrissy sleepwalking towards the river. She also saw no sign of Jack and Carla who were supposed to be watching out for her. “Good lord, I don’t believe this,” she said as she headed for Chrissy.

“Is it morning?” asked Chrissy just inches away from the river.

“Must you ask that question every time someone wakes you up? No, you were sleepwalking again and were about to drown,” replied Thelma.

“Oh, well, thank you for saving my life,” insisted Chrissy.

“You should not have to thank me, it’s not my shift. Where the hell are Jack and Carla?” demanded Thelma.

Suddenly, Chrissy’s head turned to something off in the darkness. “What is that noise?” asked Chrissy.

Then Thelma heard it too. “It sounds like it’s coming from the canoe. You stay here, I’m going to check this out,” replied Thelma. She walked up to the canoe and discovered the source of the noise, Jack and Carla! “Oh, holy mother of pearl, just when I thought I had seen it all! You two, get back to your post, and put your damn clothes back on! This is Survivor, not Temptation Island!” Jack and Carla exited the boat. “I should have known you two could not handle a shift together! You have done nothing but flirt since they switched us up!”

“Thelma, what is the big deal? We were just having a little fun,” insisted Jack.

“Oh, so that’s what they call it now! Well Jack Zipper, while you and Carla were having ‘fun’ Chrissy almost drowned!” responded Thelma.

“Okay, so maybe we picked a bad time,” insisted Jack.

“That’s the understatement of the year! And you’re not exactly innocent either, Carla! How do you think you wound up with eight kids, magic?” replied Thelma.

Jesse rose from his space under the shelter. “What’s going on? I’m trying to sleep over here,” insisted Jesse.

”Oh, you’ll love this, family man! I just had to wake up and save Chrissy from falling in the river because these two horny toads were too busy flopping around in the canoe! How are we supposed to trust you now Jack, or you Carla?” asked Thelma.

JESSE ON JACK AND CARLA:

Regardless of what Thelma may think, I can’t judge Jack for the way he lives his life. I had more than my fair share of girlfriends before I got married. But I will say this; Jack, you picked a bad time to start messing around. Nobody knows what you’re thinking now. Was this a one time thing, or does Jack have an alliance with Carla? Hopefully I can get him alone today, and see what his plan is.

Jack and Jesse went out fishing. “Hey, I actually caught a fish!” called Jack.

Jesse sat silent for a few minutes. Then he finally spoke up, “We need to talk, about you and Carla.”

“This again, I just got the same speech from Thelma!” replied Jack.

“I’m not here to make speeches. I had my share of girls before I got married; I can’t judge you for that. But there’s a bigger issue here; I don’t know if I can trust you. So tell me, do you have an alliance with Carla?” asked Jesse.

“I’ve thought about it,” responded Jack. “Don’t look so surprised! Do you think I’m an idiot or something? I know your family is very important to you! I know you won’t vote against them! That leaves Thelma, Chrissy, me, and the only one left is Carla!”

“You shot yourself in the foot again, Jack. Nobody can trust you anymore. Thelma does not trust you, I don’t trust you, my family does not trust you, and I’m not so sure Chrissy trusts you!” insisted Jesse. “There is another way you could have gone, Jack. If you were that concerned about your survival, you could have come to my family. If you had just been honest from the start, I know my family would have protected you, but you blew your chance.”

“What about Chrissy? I made a promise to myself that I would protect Janet and Chrissy. I can’t protect Janet now, so I have to protect Chrissy,” insisted Jack.

“I have not lied to you before, Jack, so I won’t start now. I want Chrissy gone,” informed Jesse.

“I rest my case,” responded Jack.

“Oh, come on. Chrissy… she screws up in challenges, she eats our food, we’re all loosing sleep because of her. She’s a liability, and we need to get rid of her to keep the tribe strong,” explained Jesse.

They steered the boat back to shore. Jack took the fish and exited the boat. Carla came up to him. “Jesse’s family is too strong,” informed Carla.

“What do you mean?” asked Jack.

“I heard the fight; as it happens your voice carries. I can help you Jack. If we can convince Thelma to join us, we can have four votes against that family. I’ll even make it worth your while if you know what I mean,” explained Carla.

“I do, and it’s not necessary. The fourth vote is all I want. Chrissy is like my child, and I will do what I need to protect her,” insisted Jack.

“Not to mention that I am tired of hearing these stories about Jesse and Rebecca and their kids, or Danny and his kids, how much they miss their kids. Yeah, spoken like somebody who does not have eight kids, and therefore has not had to sit through ‘Matilda’ 487 times,” explained Carla.

“I wouldn’t know, I’ve never seen it,” insisted Jack.

“I have,” insisted Chrissy who suddenly arrived on the scene.

“Do you remember that scene where the ugly, fat lady picks up the girl by her hair and throws her over the fence? I cheer for the ugly, fat lady now. I’ve been itching to get those wimps out of here, and if we get Thelma we can do it,” explained Carla.

Jack and Chrissy left the fire. Jesse walked up to the fire and put another fish in the pot. “Your family is in trouble,” insisted Carla.

“Wild guess, you’ve been talking to Jack,” responded Jesse.

“They’re working on me, Jack and Chrissy. They’re also working on Thelma as we speak,” informed Carla. “I can protect your family, Jesse. I can give you that fourth vote. Danny and Rebecca know me; they should not be too hard to convince. Not to mention Chrissy, for lack of a better word, is a moron.”

“Moron is a bit strong, but she is a liability and Jack does not want to see that,” insisted Jesse.

“He called her his child; interesting choice of words in my opinion. The face of a child; with the IQ to match. Seriously, she is the only person I have ever met who burns cherries,” replied Carla.

“Incidentally, what made her think that the cherries needed to be cooked anyway?” asked Jesse.

“Jack is another problem I have,” insisted Carla.

“What do you mean?” asked Jesse.

“He’ll be expecting things from me if I align with him. I know my body; one more night with him, and I’ll be pushing out copies like a Xerox machine,” responded Carla. “You seem honest, I think I can trust you. If you agree not to vote for me, I will protect your family.”

CARLA ON NEW ALLIANCES:

Norm and Frank are not here right now; I have to take care of myself. I heard Jesse and Jack arguing earlier, and Jack said that he, Thelma, and Chrissy were aligned against Jesse, Danny and Rebecca. I had not thought of Jack, Thelma, and Chrissy as an alliance until he said that. So I talked to Jack and Jesse, I told them what I thought they wanted to hear, and now I am the one in charge. I can choose to go with Jesse and his family who seem honest and I think I can trust them, or I can go to Jack, Thelma, and Chrissy. Jack and Chrissy I can easily control, and Thelma is smarter than she looks. If I promise her safety, she’ll fall in behind me. And hey, even if I did have a kid with Jack, at least when this one asks about where they were conceived, I can give a better story than the back of my pick-up.

“We have Tree Mail,” insisted Jack. He took the message back to camp and began to read. “’Your strategy we cannot guess, but your mental powers we’ll press. No muscles will strain, you just need your brain. It’s the ultimate game of chess’.”

THELMA’S FEARS ABOUT THE CHALLENGE:

Good lord, I am shaking in my boots right now over this challenge. With the events of the past two days, I really do not want to take my chances at Tribal Council, but I may not have a choice. It said the ultimate game of chess, and first off I’m more of a checkers person. Second, it’s a smart person’s game, and I think our tribe has some short comings in that area that shall remain nameless (sneezes Chrissy).

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE:

The tribes met host Jeff Probst at Challenge Beach where they found an 8x8 floating criss-cross pattern on the river. The pattern was made of half blue squares and half green squares with black connecters in between each square. “Welcome Survivors. First order of business, Pagakoranamu people, I need that Immunity Idol back.” Robert handed Jeff the idol. “Immunity is once again up for grabs. Now for today’s challenge, and it is the most innovative challenge we have created yet. We’re playing chess, and you’re the pieces. Obviously, we don’t have enough for a full chess game, so here is how this is going to work. You will pick helmets for each member of your team that will represent the piece they will play; each team begins with a king, a queen, a bishop, a knight, a castle, and two pawns. I’m now going to give a brief discussion on the rules of chess.” He then pulled out a helmet with a large crown on it. “This represents the king. When you start, the king begins five spaces in from the left on your tribe’s back row. The king is a relatively week piece; it can move in any direction, but can only move one space at a time. However, the king is the most important piece on the board…”

“As it should be,” interrupted Frank.

“Once your king is captured, that is checkmate and we are done,” informed Jeff Probst. Then he displayed a helmet with a small crown on it. “This represents the queen. When you start, the queen begins four spaces in from the left on your tribe’s back row. The queen is the most powerful piece on the board…”

“As it should be,” interrupted Claire.

“The queen can move in a straight line in any direction in any number of spaces, but cannot step around pieces. If an opponent’s piece is in the queen’s path, that piece can of course be captured. If a friendly piece is in queen’s path, the move ends with square just before the piece. In other words, two pieces cannot occupy the same square at one time. One last thing about the king and the queen, they are the leaders for the tribe. They are the only people who can give advice on how to move. Any other piece that tries to give advice during a turn will be frozen for that turn and the next turn,” explained Jeff Probst. The next helmet had a point on top of it. “This represents the bishop. The bishop begins either one space to the left of the queen or one space to the right of the king; where you place it is up to you. The bishop can only move diagonally in any number of spaces, and cannot step around pieces.” The next helmet featured a mock brick structure on the top. “This represents the castle. The castle begins either three spaces to the left of the queen, or three spaces to the right of the king. The castle can move in either a horizontal or vertical straight line, and may not step around pieces.” The next helmet had a horse’s mane design on the back. “This is the knight. The knight begins two spaces to the left of the queen, or two spaces to the right of the king. The knight moves in an L pattern; that is two spaces horizontally and one space vertically, or one space horizontally and two spaces vertically, and a knight can step around other pieces. If that involves stepping around an opponent, the opponent may not attempt to block the knight’s progress. Doing so will result in the offending piece being frozen on the next turn.” All that was left to show now was a plain helmet with no decoration. “This is a pawn, the weakest piece on the board. A pawn may begin by moving one or two spaces forward, but beyond the first move, a pawn may only move one space forward at a time. A pawn may only perform a capture when an opponent’s piece is on its direct forward diagonal. If a pawn makes it all the way to the last row, however, they can then up grade to any other piece except a king. This will be displayed by a mark that we will draw on the side of the helmet. And just so that the castle and the queen can’t head directly to the end of the board and take everyone out from the start, pawns will start directly in front of the castle and queen for each tribe. I hope you paid attention to that because an illegal move will mean that you will have to return to your original position, and you will be frozen for the next turn. Three illegal moves, and you can consider yourself captured. You’re out of the challenge, and you will have to sit on the beach. One last thing, I’ve been using the term ‘capture’ inappropriately,” said Jeff Probst. A crew member handed him a large box. He opened the box and displayed a number of large foam combat sticks. “In regular chess we have captures; in Survivor chess we have show downs. Each player will be given one of these foam combat sticks to use in show downs. To challenge an opponent to a show down, all that is necessary is to take one step in that player’s direction. They can then step forward and try to defend. The first person to hit the water in a show down loses. If the defending player loses, they are captured, out of the challenge and must sit on the beach. If the attacking player loses, then it is just like nothing happened. That player will simply have to return to their original position, which I will be tracking on the giant board to my left. You will be given two minutes to decide who will play what role, and then we will set up and begin the challenge.”

8++++++++
7++++++++
6++++++++
5++++++++
4++++++++
3++++++++
2++++++++
1++++++++
ABCDEFGH

Frank (king) E8 Jack (king) E1
Marie (queen) D8 Rebecca (queen) D1
Robert (bishop) F8 Danny (bishop) F1
Raymond (knight) B8 Carla (knight) B1
Claire (castle) H8 Jesse (castle) A1
Norm (pawn) D7 Chrissy (pawn) D2
Janet (pawn) H7 Thelma (pawn) A2

A1-A2 = A1 moves to A2
A1xA2 = A1 challenges A2

Use this grid to keep track of player movements.

“We flipped a coin, and blue will make the first move. Survivors ready… GO!” yelled Jeff Probst.

“Thelma, move two up; that will free up Jesse,” insisted Rebecca.

Thelma A2-A4

“Janet, move two down; that will free up Claire,” insisted Marie.

“What, we’re just going to copy them for the challenge?” asked Frank.

“She’ll have space in front of her. It’s a good move,” replied Marie.

“So is divorce, ever think about that?” asked Frank.

“Daily,” replied Marie.

Janet H7-H5
Jesse A1-A3
Claire H8-H6
Jesse A3-E3

“Holy crap, I’m in danger. Marie, block him,” demanded Frank.

“I block him, he takes me out, and we lose our strongest piece. Robert, protect the stupid moron,” insisted Marie.

“I know what I’m doing, Marie. He’s a pansy, he won’t hit an old bat like you,”

“You know him so will from the ten minutes you spent shouting at him during the Reward Challenge! Why take the risk?” asked Marie.

“Shouldn’t someone be moving now?” asked Robert.

“Freeze him Jeff, he’s giving advice,” informed Raymond.

“Shut up, Raymond,” added Robert.

“That was not advice. He did not tell someone specific to move,” insisted Jeff Probst.

“It’s a rule, Marie! Thou shalt not let thine husband be captured!” insisted Frank.

“That’s not a commandment, Frank! When is the last time you ever read the Bible?” asked Marie.

“What are you talking about? I’ve read plenty of damn Bibles!” replied Frank.

“Yeah, I definitely think I should move now,” intervened Robert.

Robert F8-E7
Jesse E3xE7

“Our first challenge, Jesse against Robert,” informed Jeff Probst.

And so the fencing match began. Robert ducked under Jesse’s first batch of hits. Jesse took two hits to the helmet, and then he hit the river. “I should have warned you; I’m a cop. I’m trained in self defense,” informed Robert.

“Jesse, you lost the show down. You must return to your original position,” informed Jeff Probst.

Raymond B8-A6
Chrissy D2-D4
Janet H5-H4

“Danny, move two up and to the right,” informed Rebecca.

Danny F1-H3
Janet H4xH3

“No Janet, you can’t…” but Marie’s advice was too late. She took one hit at Danny sending him into the river.

“What is this, Australian rules?” asked Danny.

“Janet, that was an illegal move. You can only capture on the diagonal. Danny is still a valid player. Janet, you must return to your original position; that is your first illegal move,” explained Jeff Probst.

Chrissy D4-D5
Raymond A6-B4
Rebecca D1-D4
Claire H6-E6

“Think very carefully about this, Chrissy,” insisted Thelma.

“Thelma, you are a pawn, you cannot give advice on how to move. You are frozen for the next two turns,”

Chrissy D5-D6

“That wasn’t it,” insisted Jack.

Robert E7xD6

“Robert challenges Chrissy,” informed Jeff Probst. Not much of a show down here, as Chrissy quickly found herself overwhelmed by Robert’s strength. Two hits and she was in the river. “Our first capture! Chrissy, you are done, you must take a seat on the beach.”

“You could have taken Claire out, Chrissy,” insisted Thelma.

Carla B1-C3
Marie D8-A8

“What was the point of that, Marie?” demanded Frank.

“You’ll see,” insisted Marie.

“No, you’ll tell me! You’re screwing up!” responded Frank.

“I’m not screwing up, you’ll see,” insisted Marie.

“Thelma, don’t move. Danny, up three and to the left,” insisted Jack.

Danny H3xE6

“Danny challenges Claire,” informed Jeff Probst. It started off as a strong challenge with hits on both sides. But in the end a hit to the side was too much for Danny as he hit the river. “Danny, you must return to your original position.”

Marie A8xA4

“Marie takes on Thelma,” explained Jeff Probst. Not much of a challenge here; Thelma never saw Marie’s first hit coming. She was instantly in the river. “Thelma, you are captured. You must take a seat on the beach.”

“Next time follow the rules,” insisted Marie.

Carla C3xA4

“Carla challenges Marie,” informed Jeff Probst.

“Don’t say I didn’t warn you, Marie!” insisted Frank.

“Shut up, Frank,” replied Marie. Carla charged at Marie, but Marie was able to block her challenge; knocking the stick out of her hand. The rest was simple. “I told you I would be fine, Frank.”

“Carla loses her stick and the show down. You must return to your original position,” informed Jeff Probst.

Robert D6-G3
Jack E1-F1
Norm D7-D6
Carla C3-E2
Robert G3-H2
Jack F1-G2
Robert H2-G3
Carla E2xG3

“Carla takes on Robert,” informed Jeff Probst.

“I was just over there next to your brother not to long ago. You should hear the way Raymond is laughing at you behind your back,” insisted Carla. Robert turned in the direction of Raymond, and that was enough of a distraction to allow Carla to knock him into the river.

“Robert is down! Robert, you are captured, you must take a seat on the beach.” Insisted Jeff Probst.

“Claire, take out Jesse,” demanded Frank.

“Don’t listen to that idiot, Claire. You would be putting yourself in danger,” replied Marie.

“If she wins the long haired hippy freak is gone!” insisted Frank.

“And she could get captured next round!” insisted Marie.

“Marie, why can’t you just shut up and let me have my way for once?” demanded Frank.

“For once? I am the one who makes all the sacrifices in this relationship! Like the time we got that giant fork and spoon for our wedding! I wanted them gone, but instead one day while I was out you nailed them to the kitchen wall!” responded Marie.

“Yeah, that was brilliant… Wait, I nailed the spoon to the wall, you nailed the fork to the wall! Who’s the idiot now?” asked Frank.

“I say it’s too close to call,” intervened Ray. “I’m just going to move and whatever happens, happens.”

Raymond B4-D3
Rebecca D4xD3

“Rebecca challenges Raymond,” informed Jeff Probst. They both came out swinging, but Raymond would take a shot in the hip and be the first to go down. “Raymond is captured, you must return to the beach.”

Marie A4-A3

“You mess with my son, you mess with me. You’re next, Rebecca,” insisted Marie.

“But it’s her move now, she gets the first shot! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid, Marie!” insisted Frank.

“Oh yeah, I can take her out now,” added Rebecca.

Rebecca D3xA3

“Rebecca takes on Marie, somebody could lose their queen,” insisted Jeff Probst. Marie put up a good fight, getting several hits on Rebecca. But a few good charges from Rebecca, and Marie would lose her balance and fall off the edge. “Marie is down! You must take a seat on the beach.”

Claire E6xE3

“Claire takes on Jesse,” informed Jeff Probst. It started off as a strong challenge. Claire got the first series of hits on Jesse; Jesse returned the favor. Soon Jesse forced her to the left of the connecter and she lost her footing. “Claire, you must return to your original position.”

Jesse E3-C3

“Afraid of a girl, Jessica?” asked Frank.

Norm D6-D5
Jesse C3-C8

“I don’t want to take her out; she’s just the castle. I get you, and this challenge is done,” insisted Jesse.

“You want a piece of me, freak show? Let’s go!” ordered Frank.

Frank E8-D8
Jesse C8xD8

“Jesse against Frank! This could be it!” informed Jeff Probst. Frank started off with a hit on Jesse. Jesse followed with a shot to the helmet. Frank tried to hit him again, but Jesse blocked the shot with the stick. They traded hits for a few minutes. Then Jesse charged at Frank with the stick forcing him backwards and into the river. “Checkmate, it’s over! Taguchamburotu wins Immunity! Pagakoranamu, I will see you tomorrow at Tribal Council! You can all head back to camp!”

Carla approached Robert as the two tribes began to leave. “Robert, from one Italian to another, and one former tribe member to another. If you protect Norm tonight, I will protect you later.”

JANET DISCUSSES THE CHALLENGE:

I think what happened in the challenge today can be summed up in one word, why. Why did we agree to let Fred and Ethel Mertz lead us in the challenge today? They never agree on anything, and everyone was confused on what to do. Now we have to take our chances at Tribal Council because of them.

JESSE ON THE CHALLENGE:

If you look back at what happened to the other tribe in that challenge, it all makes sense. First Robert went down, then Ray, then Marie, and finally Frank. That challenge to me was about who was better at communicating, who could work as a team? The Barone family, they couldn’t work as a team, and it killed them today. I hate to sound over confident, but goodbye Frank.

DAY 9

PAGAKORANAMU CAMP:

Norm, Janet, and Claire sat under the shelter. “I have never seen anything like this before in my life. Sure, my kids have had fights. Like I remember one time that my daughters Denise and Vanessa got into a huge brawl over a sweater. But it is constant with these people,” insisted Claire.

“Yeah, and they argue over the dumbest things. Like this morning, they got into a fight about how short pants can get before they become shorts. ‘If they are less than 15 inches long they’re shorts. Everyone knows that, Marie.’ ‘If they cover a person’s knees they’re not shorts you jackass’,” informed Janet.

“Trashing my family again?” asked Robert who just returned from getting firewood.

“Oh, you heard us,” said a surprised Janet.

“It’s okay, I’d like to join you,” informed Robert. They walked out to join him near the fire. “What’s the plan, who are you keeping tonight?”

“Well actually…”

“Don’t tell me, it’s Raymond. Are you keeping Raymond? You’re aligned with Raymond, right,” asked Robert.

“Actually, you are the first one to come to us,” informed Norm.

“Oh, well, then I still have time to plead my case. As you know, I have been a police officer for over twenty years. This job requires physical strength, mental strength, and a strong work ethic. Raymond has none of these qualities,” explained Robert.

“I have to admit he is pretty lazy. I actually had to wake up this morning because of him,’ informed Norm.

“Let me plead my case now since I was behind that tree over there and heard your entire conversation,” informed Ray. “Put simply, Robert is weird. This guy takes time out of his Saturday mornings to wash his car keys.”

“Have you ever smelled your keys, it’s not pretty?” insisted Robert.

“This guy doesn’t like to go to restaurants because he has a fear of waiters,” informed Ray.

“You know, Cheers has a restaurant above it, it’s called Melville’s. Some of those waiters are pretty freaky,” explained Norm.

“Robert won’t carry two dollar bills in his wallet facing each other because it looks like they’re kissing,” responded Ray.

“That’s quirky, I don’t know about weird,” insisted Janet.

“Robert separates ‘Good ‘n’ Plenty’s into ‘goods’ and ‘plentys’. Go ahead Robert, tell them about your system,” insisted Raymond.

“Pink because they’re good, and white because there are always plenty of them,” explained Robert, ”and then there is a third category. Cuties, they’re not as good.”

“Okay, that’s a little weird,” insisted Janet.

“You want weird? How about a guy who is so insecure about himself, that he freaks when he finds out that someone hates him?” replied Robert.

“What are you talking about?” asked Raymond.

“I’m talking about Jerry Musso! He does a sports show on the radio! Raymond wanted to be a guest on his show, but Jerry turned him down! He said that he hated him, and Ray went ballistic! That’s right, ballistic!” insisted Robert. “I still cannot believe that you couldn’t even fathom the possibility that somewhere in this great planet of ours, there might exist a single, solitary being that thinks you suck!”

“Robert dear, we don’t say ‘suck’, and even if we did Raymond certainly doesn’t,’ intervened Marie.

“Yeah, we don’t say ‘suck’, Robert!” added Ray.

“Oh, you have a problem with ‘suck’! How about this, Lame-ond Gaymond Goawaymond?” replied Robert.

“What did you say?” asked Raymond.

“Lame-ond Gaymond Goawaymond!” responded Robert.

“Two can play that game! Robert, Robert, rhymes with… Slobert! That’s right!” replied Ray.

“I have one,” insisted Frank. “Robert and Raymond, you two are brothers! Shut the hell up; you’re worse then your mother!”

“Slobert, that’s brilliant! Did you just make that up, Rain Man?” asked Robert.

“Don’t call me Rain Man, Slobert!” insisted Ray.

“Rain Man!”

“Slobert!”

“Rain Man! Rain Man!”

“Slobert! Slobert!”

“Rain Man! Rain Man! Rain Man!”

“Slobert infinity!”

“Rain Man infinity times two!”

Ray took a step back. “Infinity times two? You are an idiot trapped in moron’s body!” insisted Ray.

“Infinity times two, that’s twice infinity!” explained Robert.

“Twice infinity is still infinity! There is nothing bigger than infinity! That’s the whole point of calling infinity!” explained Ray.

Robert took a step back. “Clearly, you have thought about this more than I have,” insisted Robert.

“Here’s something else I’ve thought of more than you have, expect a vote from me tonight!” insisted Raymond.

“Oh Raymond!” yelled Marie.

“Same to you!” replied Robert.

“Raymond!” yelled Marie. Raymond went for the canoe.

"Well, after hearing what you had to say, I am now fully confident," insisted Norm.

"In me?" asked Robert.

"In Raymond. It's Raymond, Robert. We're full of confidence in Raymond," said Norm sarcastically.

NORM TALKS ABOUT THE ARGUMENT:

These are without a doubt the most screwed up people on the planet, and I talk to Cliff Claiven every night. Thank you very much for telling everyone who you plan on voting for. Now all I have to do is take Janet and Claire, decide who we think is stronger, and vote against the other guy. I have watched every episode of Survivor and I have never seen worse players than these people.

“We have mail!” informed Janet. She went back to camp and read the latest piece of Tree Mail. “Crazy twists will rule this game. We switched you up, and nothing’s the same. You thought you knew it all, we have much more to teach. What is the meaning of the mask? Find out at Challenge Beach.”

“It sounds like an individual Immunity Challenge. You’re mine Raymond,” insisted Raymond.

ROBERT DISCUSSES THE TREE MAIL:

We got a very interesting Tree Mail today. Apparently, we are going to have some sort of challenge before Tribal Council. We’re thinking it is for individual immunity. If it is, I hope to win, because then I would have Immunity, and I could rub Raymond’s arrogant little in it. I’m calling you out Raymond!

The tribe met host Jeff Probst at Challenge Beach. “Welcome Pagakoranamu tribe members to your first individual challenge,” informed Jeff Probst.

“Bring it on, Jeff! I am ready to take home Immunity!” informed Robert.

“You said ‘Immunity’,” replied Jeff Probst.

“That’s correct,” informed Robert. Immediately everyone’s guard went up.

“I never said anything about Immunity. What I said was that today was your first individual challenge; I never said ‘individual Immunity Challenge’. You see, ultimately this game is about power; the power you possess as an individual, and the power to control what happens to you. A few days ago, we switched you up, and I am certain that left some of you feeling a little powerless. Well, today you might be able to get some of that power back,” explained Jeff Probst. He then lifted a sheet from behind him, revealing a gray mask. “This is the Iron Blocking Mask…”

“Iron mask! Are you sure about that?” asked Norm.

“That’s what they are telling me,” insisted Jeff Probst.

“Won’t that be awfully heavy for us to wear?” asked Norm.

“Well, I’m sure it’s not pure iron; it’s probably just iron plated or something,” explained Jeff Probst.

“Wouldn’t the sun be reflecting off of it better if it was really iron?” asked Norm.

“OKAY, IT’S A PIECE OF GRAY PLASTIC! WILL YOU GET OFF MY BACK, NORM? IT’S NOT MY FAULT MARK BURNETTE’S A CHEAPSKATE!” yelled Jeff Probst. “Anyway, the person who wins today’s challenge will take the IRON Blocking Mask with them to tonight’s Tribal Council. At Tribal Council they will place that mask on the face of whoever they choose. Once the mask is placed on someone, that person is then blocked from casting a vote at that Tribal Council. Here’s how this challenge works. In front of you are seven boards divided into five color squares; red, yellow, green, blue, and black. In front of them we have roped off a 30 foot radius. Somewhere within that boundary are hidden numerous tiles each containing either the letter b, l, o, c, or k on them. Those tiles could be hidden under rocks, tied to trees, or even buried in the sand. First person to spell out the word ‘block’ on their board will win the Iron Blocking Mask. Here’s the catch, the colors of the tiles have to match those in front of you on your board. This is for the Iron Blocking Mask! Survivors ready! … GO!” Norm, Robert, and Claire found their first letters tied to trees just inside the roped area. They brought them back immediately. “Norm, Robert, and Claire all have their first letters! Ray comes in with his first letter!” Janet found her first letter under a rock, and brought it back to her board. “Janet with her first letter! Marie and Frank both coming in now with their first letters! We are tied!”

Robert ran to a tree where he untied a letter. “Damn it! This c is green; I need yellow!”

“I’ll take green,” insisted Raymond as he ran up to Robert.

“I don’t think so, Raymond!” insisted Robert. He held up the letter in his left hand just out of Raymond’s reach. “Oh Raymond, if only you had not insisted on making fun of my height all these years.”

“Robert, what the hell are you doing, becoming a sissy?” asked Frank.

“No, keep away from Raymond,” insisted Robert.

“Wait Robert, I need a green c too!” informed Marie.

“Oh, now it’s keep away from Raymond and mom!” informed Robert.

“In that case, hit me I’m open!” insisted Frank. Robert threw the letter over everyone’s head. It fell short of Frank, but he picked it up before Ray could get it. “Anyone ever tell you you throw like a girl!” Frank then threw the letter back to Robert. Then Robert threw it back to Frank. Claire ran back to check her board. Then as Frank was about to throw back to Robert, Claire jumped in front of him and intercepted the pass.

“Claire with a huge catch to get her third letter!” called out Jeff Probst.

“I don’t throw like a girl either,” insisted Claire.

The challenge pressed on and in time everyone but Norm would be in a dead heat for the prize with three letters each. “Robert, will you quit throwing sand on me?” demanded Raymond.

“He said the letters might be buried under the sand. I cannot help it if you constantly walk through where I happen to be digging,” insisted Robert.

Frank found his fourth letter under a rock. “Frank has his fourth letter! He is one away!” informed Jeff Probst. Claire searched franticly in the sand until she found another letter. “Claire has her fourth letter, she is one away! Ray coming in now with his fourth letter! Norm comes in with his third letter!”

“Robert, I’m warning you, quit throwing sand on me!” ordered Raymond.

“Or what, you’ll beat me up?” asked Robert.

“Maybe!” insisted Ray.

“You couldn’t beat me up if you tried!” informed Robert. “Oh look, the last two letters that I need! How do you like that, Ray?” But Ray wasn’t paying much attention. He had found a letter and went back to put it on his board.

“Hold up, Ray, that b is black, you need a blue one. This challenge is not over!” insisted Jeff Probst. But it would be soon. All Robert had to do now was walk to his board and place his last two letters into position. “It’s over! Robert wins the Iron Blocking Mask! I’ll see you all tonight at Tribal Council! You can head back to camp!”

WHO'S NEXT?

This is your chance to interact with Episode 3. Who will be going next?

Raymond: the outside three will allign with Robert.
Robert: the outside three will align with Raymond.
Janet: it's all an act, the Barones will stick together.

TRIBAL COUNCIL 3

The tribe walked the long hike to the Tribal Council area. “Welcome to Tribal Council. Before we get to tonight’s vote, I just want to say that it has been an interesting past three days. Norm, you were one of the people that was involved in the tribal switch. Can you give us an update on what it has been like living in this new tribe?” asked Jeff Probst.

“Having lived with Robert, Marie, and Frank for nine straight days, I am used to arguing. Add Robert’s idiot brother, and you basically have general chaos,” insisted Norm.

“Did you hear that, Raymond? He called you an idiot,” informed Robert.

“Yes, I heard. Shut up, Robert,” responded Raymond.

“People hate you, Raymond. People think you are an idiot,” insisted Robert.

“Yeah, whatever. By the way, the Toys ‘R’ Us giraffe called, he wants his legs back,” replied Raymond.

“Claire, let’s hear from you now. You have spent the last three days living with… well, this. How do you deal with it?” asked Jeff Probst.

“When you have five kids, it is a given that fights are going to happen. When they start arguing, I just set back and observe. I do my best to stay out of it,” insisted Claire.

“Frank, you had a run-in with Jesse, who is now on the other team, at the Reward Challenge. Would you like to defend yourself?” asked Jeff Probst.

“You mean that long haired, hippy wimp. He got all hot and bothered because I tried to turn his sissy brother in-law into a real man,” insisted Frank.

“Why are you always picking on Danny?” asked Marie.

“He’s a pansy!” responded Frank.

“I think he is a very nice man!” replied Marie.

“’Nice’, I tried ‘nice’ once! I hated every second of it, so I stopped!” insisted Frank.

“Apparently the same thing also happened with ‘smart’ and ‘physically attractive’!” retorted Marie.

“Well Frank, you did attack a member of his team, and you took a penalty for it. Don’t you think that hurts your team in the process?” asked Jeff Probst.

“We won the damn chickens didn’t we?” responded Frank.

“Robert, you are the first person to ever win the power of the Iron Blocking Mask. It is time to decide, who are you blocking?” asked Jeff Probst.

“Well Jeff, based on everything that has happened over the passed three days, I feel that it would be in my best interests to block Raymond. It is pretty clear that he wants to vote me out; I am not giving him the satisfaction,” insisted Robert. He moved from his seat and placed the mask on Ray’s head.

“It is time to vote. Robert, you’re up,”

Survivor: Robert
Votes: Rain Man
Statement: Not everybody loves you, Rain Man.

Survivor: Marie
Votes: Robert
Statement: You said you were going to vote out your own brother. I may not be able to save him, but I can still make this vote as a punishment. It really is not polite to vote out your brother, dear, especially one who needs the money. How else is he going to afford cooking lessons for his wife?

Survivor: Janet
Votes:
Statement:

Survivor: Claire
Votes:
Statement:

Survivor: Frank
Votes: Slobert
Statement: Marie says we should punish you with votes. One less thing for her to nag me about.

Survivor: Norm
Votes:
Statement: I think your brother might be stronger.

“I will get the votes,” said Jeff Probst as he went to retrieve the voting urn. “Once the votes are read, the decision is final, and that person will be asked to leave the Tribal Council area immediately. I will read the votes. First vote … … [ I ] … … [Rain Man], Raymond, … … [ I ] … … [Slobert], Robert. Okay, word of advice, rhyming nick names are not going to stump me. … … [ I ] … … [Robert], two votes Robert, one vote Raymond…”

“We can count, Jeff,” interrupted Norm.

“… … [ I ] … … [Ray], two votes Ray, two votes Robert…”

“I said we can count, Jeff!” insisted Norm.

“… … [ I ] … … [Ray], … … [ I ] … … [Ray]. Norm, since you are so good at counting, tell me how many votes Ray received,” insisted Jeff Probst.

“Four,” replied Norm.

“Raymond, you need to bring me your torch,” informed Jeff Probst. Raymond placed his torch in the hole. “Raymond, the tribe has spoken.” Then Jeff Probst extinguished the flame. “You know, this game never ceases to amaze me. We had a tribe that contained a family of four; you would think that would be a strong alliance. Yet, not only does one of the four leave, but the family votes against each other. That kind of division could be a sign that this tribe may be in very serious trouble. You can take your torches and head back to camp.” The tribe gathered their packs and left.

RAYMOND BARONE’S FINAL WORDS:

Well, that was definitely a kick in the head. You come into any competition expecting to win, and here I did not even make the jury. But I am not going to spend all my time complaining; I actually was enjoying my time out here UNTIL THOSE JERK OFFS SWITCHED UP THE TRIBES! Anyway, Jesse, I look forward to seeing you when we get home.

The one remaining person that I don’t think has a chance to win would be Jack. I don’t know how he is doing on the other tribe, but I just get the impression that he has to shoot himself in the foot at some point. Plus, he hangs around Chrissy, who, let’s be honest, is a bimbo… oh wait, that’s going to make me sound bitter. Chrissy is… Chrissy is… OKAY SO I’M BITTER! I JUST GOT VOTED OFF!

The thing is, I should have seen this coming. Robert has always hated me, and I should have figured on that outside three alliance, them hooking up with Robert to get to me, because they new Robert would block me and vote against me. I got double crossed, but the joke is on them because I get to eat now.

IN THE NEXT INSTALLMENT OF SIT-COM SURVIVOR:

At the Reward Challenge, Jesse is shocked when he sees Raymond is gone.
On going talk of the Jack and Carla incident continues to keep loyalties in doubt.
One cast away becomes a target when the team’s boat suddenly disappears.
The Iron Blocking Mask continues to wreak havoc on strategies.

13 remain, who will be voted out next?