Chambers
05-01-2004, 12:26 AM
This one's for all you Frasier fans. (But Norm, Diane, Sam&Diane, Frasier&Diane fans will be drawn to it as well.)
Lost Episode #2
“Frasier Crane Has Left the Building”
Season Three
Characters:
Sam Malone, Diane Chambers, the Coach, Carla Tortelli, Cliff Clavin, Norm Peterson and Dr. Frasier Crane
OVERTURE
{“Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience”}
{Cheers has just opened. Carla and Diane are taking orders}
Diane: [To a couple sitting at the table near the window] So what can I get you?
Man: Oh, hi. I’d like a bottle of your best champagne [looks into the woman’s eyes and they giggle].
Woman: We just decided to get married!
Diane: Oh my, that’s wonderful! Congratulations! I’ll be right back with your champagne. [Goes over to the bar] Sam, some champagne for the soon-to-be-wed couple over there.
Sam: Oh, special occasion.
Carla: [To Diane] So those two are getting married, huh?
Diane: Oh yes, isn’t that romantic? Two kids deciding to embark on a single journey into the future, knowing that whether they encounter paradise or hardship, they’ll always have each other. Just looking at them makes me giddy…that and the fact that engaged couples are always generous tippers! [Laughs]
Carla: [Squints her eyes and smiles as if she’s conjuring up some evil plan.] Oh, let me congratulate them! [She walks over to the couple – they’re far away enough so Diane doesn’t hear anything] Hello, I’m here to congratulate you two on your engagement.
Man: Oh, thank you!
Woman: Yeah, we’re pretty excited. We can’t wait to start our family!
Carla: [Smiling] Well, good. [To the woman] You’re gonna need to remember that once he knocks you up and you start walking around with swollen ankles, 200 pounds overweight, while he’s out till one in the morning chasing skirts because he can’t stand the sight of you. Then when you pop out the kids, each one creepier than the next, he’ll be on his fifth affair and you’ll be suffering a nervous break down. Good luck to ya both! [They stare at one another in bewilderment].
Diane: [All excited] Here’s the champagne…your two glasses…
Woman: Uh…I don’t think we’ll be needing that anymore…
Man: W-we should wait…definitely wait [They run out of the bar]
Diane: What just happened?
Carla: I just told them what to except from married life. Muahahaha!
Diane: Carla!
{Opening sequence/credits}
ACT ONE
{The bar is already full; Norm and Cliff are on their regular stools; Sam and Coach are making drinks; Carla and Diane are serving drinks near Sam’s office; Frasier walks in.}
Sam: Hi there!
Frasier: Oh hello Sam, everyone.
Everyone: [Adlib “hello” faintly]
Diane: Oh Frasier!
Frasier: Hello, my dear [they kiss].
Sam: Haven’t seen you in here for a while, Fras.
Frasier: Ah, yes. One of my patients has been giving me hell lately. I tell you, that woman is going to drive me insane!
Carla: Who? Diane?
Frasier: [Does his pompous “Frasier laugh”] Hhhha- ha- ha! That was quite good, Carla.
Diane: [Frowning] Frasier…
Frasier: Oh, sorry, Diane [pats her shoulders]. But you see, I haven’t had a good laugh all day. [He takes his seat at the bar] As a matter of fact, I had a miserable day. A patient died in my office.
Everyone: [Adlib “oh no”]
Diane: Oh, I’m so sorry, Frasier.
Sam: Yeah, me too.
Frasier: Thank you, everyone.
Diane: Was this the same one who was…giving you “hell”?
Frasier: Oh, no – this was a different woman. I know, I seem to have all the luck with patients.
Coach: Frasier, I think I can help you. When my dog died when I was little, I was so upset I thought I would never smile again. So my dad sat me down and gave me the best advice anyone’s ever given me. He said, “Ernie! If you don’t start getting better grades, I’m going to kick you out of this house!”
Norm: Uh Coach, what does that have to do with the dog?
Coach: [Looks up pensively] Oh, right, Normie. Right story, wrong advice. What he said was, “Ernie, if you’re ever going to survive, you’re gonna have to take your tragedies and turn them into comedies!”
Diane: [Smiling] Aw, that’s lovely, Coach.
Coach: Thanks, Diane.
Frasier: [Pondering] Well…I suppose it couldn’t hurt. Let’s see…I spent the entire morning trying to convince Mrs. Robinson that I wasn’t the reincarnation of her late husband… [Everyone chuckles, and Frasier looks up in surprise, his eyes twinkling with the approval]
Norm: So how did you convince her?
Frasier: I couldn’t – so I just told her I wanted a divorce! Hhhhaaa-ha-ha-ha! [Whole bar laughs]
Norm: How did she take it?
Frasier: She asked me if there was another woman! Hhha-ha-ha-ha! [Whole bar laughs, except for Diane]
Diane: Frasier…are you serious?
Frasier: Oh, come on, Diane! Lighten up! It’s a joke!
Diane: Oh, of course.
Cliff: Then what happened?
Frasier: I told her that I was sleeping with her sister and she had a heart attack before she could even open her mouth! Hhhhhaaa-ha--[Silence – the crowd squirm in their seats] Oh…I’ve gone too far, haven’t I…
Diane: Hm.
Sam: You know, Frasier, when I’m down in the dumps, I get myself a hot girl, take her out on the town then back to my place, get her all roused up, and by the next morning it’s all sunshine and rainbows.
Diane: [Suggestively to Frasier] Well, I think we can find you someone to…soothe your troubles.
Sam: That’s very big of you, Diane. Here, Frasier, flip through my little black book there. I recommend Tina or Tanya – well, anybody from the T section actually.
Diane: Sam Malone!
Sam: Kidding! I’m kidding! Here, what you really need is a nice, strong drink [hands him a glass of scotch].
Frasier: Thanks, Sam.
Diane: Ah yes. Sex and alcohol: a man’s solution to all of life’s problems.
Norm: I’ll drink to that! [He lifts his beer mug in a toast]
Sam: No, now, that’s not altogether true.
Diane: Oh?
Sam: Yeah, think about it. When I was with you, you made sex a living nightmare, and I couldn’t even drink myself stupid to get through it.
Diane: [Smiles like she usually does when she takes these punches] I wouldn’t worry – I think you drank yourself stupid a long time ago. [She walks off]
Frasier: [Cheerlessly] Poor Mrs. Robinson…
Norm: Um…she didn’t really die that way, did she?
Frasier: Oh, of course not. She did believe I was her husband, but all the rest was pure fancy. However, I see now that my attempt at humor was pointless. [Cliff and Norm look at each other in concern]
Cliff: [Trying to make him feel better] Well I uh thought you were pretty funny, actually.
Norm: Yeah, same here.
Frasier: No, that was going too far. The old woman actually had the attack when I showed her the bill.
Cliff, Norm: [Start laughing]
Frasier: No, I’m serious!
Norm: Oh, well…it’s not like there was anything you could do about it. Come on, man.
Frasier: Yes, I suppose you’re right. But I still can’t help feeling a certain sense of responsibility – after all it was my office, my bill.
Cliff: You know there, Frasier, down in Florida, when a Seminole man has witnessed the death of another tribesman, two of his friends take him to the forest for a ceremony where his guardian spirit supposedly eh cleanses his soul.
Norm: Uh, Cliffie – I don’t think we can do that here in Boston. Plus, nothing cleanses the soul like good old fashioned beer. Gimme another one, Coach.
Coach: Ok, Norm.
Cliff: [Defensively] Well eh it wasn’t supposed to be a serious suggestion.
Sam: Hey, wait a second. That might not be such a bad idea.
Frasier: Oh dear God, Sam!
Norm: Whoa, Sammy! [He mouths “no” and shakes his hands]
Sam: Now listen. What if you and Cliff take Frasier here out somewhere tonight?
Norm: Like where?
Sam: I don’t know – maybe a movie. None of that intellectual stuff – just something to get his mind off things for a while.
Frasier: You know, Sam, that’s a capital idea!
Carla: Yeah, and it’ll keep you away from Ms. Frigidaire over there [points to none other than Diane].
Frasier: Clifford? Norman? Would you like to join me for a mindless night of movie-watching?
Cliff: Well I’ll go, sure.
Norm: …gee I don’t know…
Frasier: Oh come on, Norm, I’ll buy you a six-pack.
Norm: [Jumps out of his seat] So what movie are we gonna see? [The three of them make their way to the door]
Cliff: I hear they’re showing Star Wars over at Boston Commons.
Norm: Oh yeah! Then we can head over to the Hungry Heffer – they have these midnight specials: all the left-over food you can eat for 99 cents a pound.
Cliff: Uh, Norm, do you really think somebody like Dr. Crane’s gonna want to go to the Hungry Heffer? As a matter of fact - do you really think anybody with a functioning stomach wants to go to the Hungry Heffer?
Frasier: Oh don’t worry, Clifford! Tonight I’m no longer Dr. Frasier Crane. Tonight I’m just “Fras” – a man who finds pleasure in trashing his grey matter, liver and arteries all at the same time! Boys, you’re in for a wild night! [They cheer]
Diane: [Returning from the backroom] Frasier, where are you going?
Frasier: Oh, Diane, Sam just gave us the most brilliant idea! Norman and Clifford are going to take me out for the night to clear my mind.
Diane: Oh…well I could have taken you…
Frasier: Thank you, dear, but I really don’t want to have to use my brain tonight. You understand, don’t you?
Diane: [Dumbfounded] I guess…
Frasier: Wonderful, I’ll meet you at your apartment later tonight. Good-bye everyone! [They leave]
Diane: [Furrowing her brows, walks over to the bar] Sam…I need a Shirley Temple and a Manhattan.
Sam: Comin’ right up.
Diane: [Suspiciously] Sam…why did you tell Frasier to go out without me?
Sam: I didn’t say that exactly. I just thought it would be nice if he could spend an evening with someone who didn’t remind him of death, that’s all.
Diane: Sam!
Sam: Aw, come on. I just thought he needed to get out of his routine – do something different. That’s the only way he can get his mind off things.
Diane: [Softening] Oh…well, if you’re being sincere, then that’s very thoughtful of you.
Sam: Why, thank you.
Diane: You know, ever since Frasier came in here, he’s wanted to be one of the boys. You’ve really helped him feel at home, Sam. I really appreciate that.
Sam: Well, no problem.
Diane: [Smiling and gazing at him curiously] …This is a side to you I’ve never seen before.
Sam: [Distantly] Here [gives her the drinks]. Customers must be waiting.
Diane: [In a jolt] Oh, yes. [She takes her tray and starts to go back to the table; Sam turns away from her; she quickly glances back at him…almost longingly].
{It’s closing time at Cheers}
Coach: Carla, are you going to want a ride home?
Carla: Oh yeah, Coach. And can we stop at one of those 24-hour drive-throughs?
Coach: You hungry at this hour, Carla?
Carla: Not me – one of the kids just called to say we ran out of food. They’re threatening to eat the little one.
Coach: Oh, then we better hurry. Bye, Sam! Bye, Diane!
Carla: See ya!
Sam, Diane: [Adlib bye]
{Diane is wiping the stools and putting them upside down on the bar. Sam is cleaning the glasses. She looks like she wants to say something – he seems to know she wants to say something but refuses to encourage it.}
Diane: ...Sam, I-
Sam: What is it?
Diane: [Looks up at him, then looks down] Oh nothing. [Long pause] Sam…I’m glad you’ve started to see Frasier as more of a friend now – not just some extension of my person.
Sam: [Smiles and shakes his head] If he were some extension of you, I, as his good friend, would have him surgically removed immediately.
Diane: [Laughs] Oh, you know what I mean.
Sam: Yeah, yeah. Frasier’s a good guy.
Diane: Yes, he is.
Sam: I’m uh glad you two found each other.
Diane: Yes, so am I. Frasier’s everything I’ve always wanted in a man.
Sam: Well, good.
Diane: He’s intelligent, sensitive –
Sam: [Mumbles] Everything I’m not.
Diane: Oh, no, Sam. That’s not what I meant!
Sam: Oh, come on, Diane. You think I can’t tell what you’re doing here?
Diane: [Resentfully] What do you mean?
Sam: It’s not the first time you try to rub this in my face to see if I’m jealous. But you wanna know something? [His face reddens as he shouts] I’m not! I’m genuinely happy for you!!
Diane: [Feigning innocent confusion] Well if you’re so happy why do you have shout?
Sam: [Eyes popping out] I like to shout, ok?! I shout things when I’m happy! And I’m happy for both of you!! Now get out of my face, Diane!
Diane: [Smiles, playing along] Aw, that’s the sweetest vow of affection anybody’s ever bestowed upon Frasier and me.
Sam: Well good! Now let me finish these glasses.
Diane: Oh I’m sorry, Sam – I shouldn’t have said any of that.
Sam: [Calming down, he mumbles] …it’s ok.
Diane: [After a period of silence] You know…we could have worked... had we tried harder…
Sam: Yeah...I don’t know.
Diane: You don’t think so?
Sam: Well what does it matter now? You’re with Frasier. [He looks up and their eyes meet, each knowing what they want but knowing they shouldn’t want it]
Diane: [Whispers] Oh, Sam-
Sam: Diane- [They both hunch over the bar between them in an impulse, but as they do Diane’s hand knocks over a glass and it breaks. They both stop themselves and laugh nervously.]
Sam: Whew! That would’ve been stupid, huh?
Diane: I don’t know what we were thinking! [She looks up at him again and their eyes lock again – sparks fly…again]
Sam: Oh, Diane [They hunch over the bar once more, but Sam’s arm knocks over two more glasses. They both pull back.]
Diane: [Laughing nervously] I think somebody’s trying to tell us something!
Sam: Whew – maybe we should listen this time. [But his eyes wander over to hers once more…longingly – but they snap out of it.]
Diane: [Diverting her eyes quickly, stringing her words together] Ooh, look at the time! I had no idea it was this late! [She grabs her coat and purse] I better go home and wait for…[her mind goes blank]
Sam: [Thinks for a second] Frasier!
Diane: That’s right! Frasier!
Sam: [Trying to look in any direction but her eyes] Good old Frasier!
Diane: Good night, Sam!
Sam: See ya tomorrow! [They wave quickly and she rushes out of the bar.]
ACT TWO
{Open to exterior shot of Cheers, then the interior. The bar is full of people. Cliff is already there, Diane walks through the door}
Diane: Hello, everyone! [She hangs her coat and proceeds to tie on her apron]
Coach: Hi, there, Diane!
Sam: [Nods hello formally, without too much eye contact] Good afternoon, Miss Chambers.
Diane: [Nods back] Mr. Malone.
{Norm walks in}
Norm: Afternoon, everybody.
Everyone: NORM!!
Diane: Norman.
Sam: How’s life, Norm?
Norm: I drink, therefore I am, Sammy. Now gimme a beer and let me fulfill my existence.
Sam: [Slides Norm a beer] So guys, how was last night with Frasier?
Diane: Oh, do tell – Frasier came over at 2 in the morning too tired and drunk to tell me anything.
Cliff: Oh, we eh had a lot of fun, actually. That there’s one funny guy.
Norm: [Shrugs] Yeah, it was all right. One thing’s for sure: that man can eat his way through to China. The waitress at the Hungry Heffer said she’d never seen anything like it!
Diane: [Shocked] Are you talking about “my” Frasier?
Cliff: Oh, yeah – you should have seen him wolf down 3 pounds of “loobster!” [The guys laugh]
Diane: Oh my Lord! … Now I know why he was so sick this morning.
Carla: What are you talking about? Getting sick is every man’s reaction to seeing your face first thing in the morning.
Diane: Carla, the sink in the lady’s room needs scouring – why don’t you go stick your head in it?
Carla: A Brillo shot? Yaaa I’m gonna kill her! [Jumps on Diane and tries to claw her eyes out, but Cliff and another guy at the bar manage to pull her off]
Sam: Hey hey hey! Stop that, you two! If my customers want to see a cat fight, I’m gonna have to charge them extra.
Diane: [Regaining her composure] Sorry Sam.
Carla: Next time I’ll get you, blondie!
{Frasier walks in all frazzled but with a huge beaming smile}
Frasier: Good afternoon, everyone!
Everyone: [Adlib hello]
Diane: Frasier? [Walks up to him and asks him privately] Are those the same clothes you were wearing this morning? Didn’t you go home to wash up?
Frasier: Oh, are they? I hadn’t noticed! My brain has been hibernating for the past 24 hours and it’s marvelous! You should try it, Diane. I never knew laser battles could be so amusing!
Diane: Laser battles?
Frasier: Yes! Star Wars! It’s brilliant, Diane – fast, funny, exciting! Makes one completely forget about what a pathetic life one leads!
Norm: Liked it that much, huh Frasier?
Frasier: Liked it? I loved it! I went to see it again twice today!
Diane: Frasier! Do you mean to say you didn’t go to work?
Frasier: Nope! The new Fras skips work, eats and drinks whatever and whenever he wants and doesn’t want to have any conversation that lasts longer than two minutes! Excuse me, Diane. [Leaves her side and sits next to Norm and Cliff] How are my buddies doing?
Cliff: All right.
Norm: Can’t complain.
Frasier: Hhhha-ha-ha! You two are a riot! Coach, set me up with a beer!
Diane: [Appalled] Sam, what’s wrong with Frasier? Why is he acting so strange?
Sam: Oh, don’t worry. He’s just trying to be one of the guys.
Diane: No, something’s wrong. [To Frasier] Frasier, what’s going on?
Frasier: Everything, Diane! That’s the beauty of it!
Diane: Oh, I don’t like this one bit. This isn’t you!
Frasier: Diane, this is me – I just realized that there’s a whole blue-collar world I have yet to explore!
Diane: Well can’t you explore it some other time? I can’t have you like this tonight – don’t you remember? We have reservations for L’Auberge! We waited three months for those!
Frasier: Sorry, can’t make it tonight, Diane. Did you know there are actual restaurants out there that don’t have you wear a tie? And they give you portions big enough to feed a small country!
Norm: At a great price, too.
Diane: [Grimaces] Sam, do something about this!
Sam: [Enjoying the spectacle] What can I do?
Diane: I don’t know – but it’s your fault! You’re the one who told him to go out last night.
Sam: Oh, ok ok. Frasier, uh why don’t you clean yourself up and take Diane here out to that fancy restaurant?
Frasier: Sorry, Sam. The boys and I are going out again.
Cliff, Norm: …we are?
Sam: Hold on, now…can I talk to you in my office for a minute?
Frasier: Well…ok – but only for a minute! Hhha-ha! I crack myself up!
Sam: Diane…could you help me here? [The three of them go to his office]
{In the office}
Frasier: So what did you want, Sam?
Sam: Well um…you have to admit you’ve been acting a little strange…
Frasier: Ah yes, I know, but it’s all good. I’m a free spirit now!
Diane: Frasier…don’t you think this might be an extreme reaction to what happened yesterday? Seeing your patient’s life end so abruptly has caused you to believe you should experience life to the fullest – only you’ve now overstepped your boundaries.
Frasier: [Rolls his eyes] Oh god, Diane, I’m the psychiatrist here. Don’t you think that crossed my mind already? I’m just tired of the old Frasier Crane, who wasted his life fussing at every little thing!
Diane: But I like the old Frasier!
Frasier: The old Frasier was dull!
Sam: Aw, come on. Everybody’s life is a little dull sometimes – especially if you’re dating Diane [she glares at him]. If all you want is some more excitement, why don’t you get a hobby or something?
Diane: That’s right. You don’t need to overturn your entire personality!
Frasier: Oh this is outrageous! You two trying to give advice to a trained psychiatrist is like Barbara Cartland giving pointers to Shakespeare! The old Frasier would have stayed here to argue with you, but the new Frasier says, “I’m bored and I’m leaving!” [He goes back to the bar. Sam and Diane follow him out]
{In the bar}
Diane: Frasier! You should listen to Sam! Take your friends at the bar, for example. They’re not fun-loving, mindless, beer-guzzling buffoons all day long! Look at Cliff: he spends all his day delivering mail. What could be duller than that?
Cliff: [Taking offense] Oh, wait a minute there, Diane! Postal work is a eh very exciting yet hazardous profession!
Diane: Of course, Clifford, forgive me. Well take Norman: he doesn’t spend his whole day sitting at a bar – he has a life!
Norm: Now there, Diane, this bar’s more like my life – work and marriage are more like a pastime…or punishment for that matter…
Diane: [Frustrated] All right! But Frasier, the point is that you don’t have to act like this all day long for you to feel like you’re living life to the fullest.
Frasier: Diane, face it. The old Frasier Crane has left the building, and the new one is here to stay! Coach! Another beer!
Coach: Right away.
Diane: [Whining to Sam] Oh…what do we do?
Sam: Gosh, I don’t know.
Carla: Ah you two are pathetic. Can’t you see this is just a phase? Nobody who spent his entire life as a stuffed-shirt can change like that overnight. You just have to press his buttons, and he’ll snap right back.
Diane: [Entertains the idea for a while] You know, Carla, you may be on to something.
Sam: Yeah? What are you going to do?
Diane: Just watch. [Goes up to Frasier] Oh “Fras?”
Frasier: [Irritably] Oh what is it now?
Diane: [Says this very deliberately] Since you don’t want to take advantage of our reservations, why don’t I call your colleague, Dr. Winters, and have him take them off our hands? He would be doing you and I a big favor now that you think L’Auberge isn’t a fun enough place to be at.
Frasier: [His face fires up and he jumps out his seat] Dear God, Diane! You just made the most elementary grammatical mistake and ended that sentence with a preposition! And you must be out of your mind if you think I’m going to let that bastard Dr. Winters take my reservations! Come along, Diane! [He storms out of the bar]
Diane: [As she follows him out, she turns and smiles] He’s back!
THE END
Lost Episode #2
“Frasier Crane Has Left the Building”
Season Three
Characters:
Sam Malone, Diane Chambers, the Coach, Carla Tortelli, Cliff Clavin, Norm Peterson and Dr. Frasier Crane
OVERTURE
{“Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience”}
{Cheers has just opened. Carla and Diane are taking orders}
Diane: [To a couple sitting at the table near the window] So what can I get you?
Man: Oh, hi. I’d like a bottle of your best champagne [looks into the woman’s eyes and they giggle].
Woman: We just decided to get married!
Diane: Oh my, that’s wonderful! Congratulations! I’ll be right back with your champagne. [Goes over to the bar] Sam, some champagne for the soon-to-be-wed couple over there.
Sam: Oh, special occasion.
Carla: [To Diane] So those two are getting married, huh?
Diane: Oh yes, isn’t that romantic? Two kids deciding to embark on a single journey into the future, knowing that whether they encounter paradise or hardship, they’ll always have each other. Just looking at them makes me giddy…that and the fact that engaged couples are always generous tippers! [Laughs]
Carla: [Squints her eyes and smiles as if she’s conjuring up some evil plan.] Oh, let me congratulate them! [She walks over to the couple – they’re far away enough so Diane doesn’t hear anything] Hello, I’m here to congratulate you two on your engagement.
Man: Oh, thank you!
Woman: Yeah, we’re pretty excited. We can’t wait to start our family!
Carla: [Smiling] Well, good. [To the woman] You’re gonna need to remember that once he knocks you up and you start walking around with swollen ankles, 200 pounds overweight, while he’s out till one in the morning chasing skirts because he can’t stand the sight of you. Then when you pop out the kids, each one creepier than the next, he’ll be on his fifth affair and you’ll be suffering a nervous break down. Good luck to ya both! [They stare at one another in bewilderment].
Diane: [All excited] Here’s the champagne…your two glasses…
Woman: Uh…I don’t think we’ll be needing that anymore…
Man: W-we should wait…definitely wait [They run out of the bar]
Diane: What just happened?
Carla: I just told them what to except from married life. Muahahaha!
Diane: Carla!
{Opening sequence/credits}
ACT ONE
{The bar is already full; Norm and Cliff are on their regular stools; Sam and Coach are making drinks; Carla and Diane are serving drinks near Sam’s office; Frasier walks in.}
Sam: Hi there!
Frasier: Oh hello Sam, everyone.
Everyone: [Adlib “hello” faintly]
Diane: Oh Frasier!
Frasier: Hello, my dear [they kiss].
Sam: Haven’t seen you in here for a while, Fras.
Frasier: Ah, yes. One of my patients has been giving me hell lately. I tell you, that woman is going to drive me insane!
Carla: Who? Diane?
Frasier: [Does his pompous “Frasier laugh”] Hhhha- ha- ha! That was quite good, Carla.
Diane: [Frowning] Frasier…
Frasier: Oh, sorry, Diane [pats her shoulders]. But you see, I haven’t had a good laugh all day. [He takes his seat at the bar] As a matter of fact, I had a miserable day. A patient died in my office.
Everyone: [Adlib “oh no”]
Diane: Oh, I’m so sorry, Frasier.
Sam: Yeah, me too.
Frasier: Thank you, everyone.
Diane: Was this the same one who was…giving you “hell”?
Frasier: Oh, no – this was a different woman. I know, I seem to have all the luck with patients.
Coach: Frasier, I think I can help you. When my dog died when I was little, I was so upset I thought I would never smile again. So my dad sat me down and gave me the best advice anyone’s ever given me. He said, “Ernie! If you don’t start getting better grades, I’m going to kick you out of this house!”
Norm: Uh Coach, what does that have to do with the dog?
Coach: [Looks up pensively] Oh, right, Normie. Right story, wrong advice. What he said was, “Ernie, if you’re ever going to survive, you’re gonna have to take your tragedies and turn them into comedies!”
Diane: [Smiling] Aw, that’s lovely, Coach.
Coach: Thanks, Diane.
Frasier: [Pondering] Well…I suppose it couldn’t hurt. Let’s see…I spent the entire morning trying to convince Mrs. Robinson that I wasn’t the reincarnation of her late husband… [Everyone chuckles, and Frasier looks up in surprise, his eyes twinkling with the approval]
Norm: So how did you convince her?
Frasier: I couldn’t – so I just told her I wanted a divorce! Hhhhaaa-ha-ha-ha! [Whole bar laughs]
Norm: How did she take it?
Frasier: She asked me if there was another woman! Hhha-ha-ha-ha! [Whole bar laughs, except for Diane]
Diane: Frasier…are you serious?
Frasier: Oh, come on, Diane! Lighten up! It’s a joke!
Diane: Oh, of course.
Cliff: Then what happened?
Frasier: I told her that I was sleeping with her sister and she had a heart attack before she could even open her mouth! Hhhhhaaa-ha--[Silence – the crowd squirm in their seats] Oh…I’ve gone too far, haven’t I…
Diane: Hm.
Sam: You know, Frasier, when I’m down in the dumps, I get myself a hot girl, take her out on the town then back to my place, get her all roused up, and by the next morning it’s all sunshine and rainbows.
Diane: [Suggestively to Frasier] Well, I think we can find you someone to…soothe your troubles.
Sam: That’s very big of you, Diane. Here, Frasier, flip through my little black book there. I recommend Tina or Tanya – well, anybody from the T section actually.
Diane: Sam Malone!
Sam: Kidding! I’m kidding! Here, what you really need is a nice, strong drink [hands him a glass of scotch].
Frasier: Thanks, Sam.
Diane: Ah yes. Sex and alcohol: a man’s solution to all of life’s problems.
Norm: I’ll drink to that! [He lifts his beer mug in a toast]
Sam: No, now, that’s not altogether true.
Diane: Oh?
Sam: Yeah, think about it. When I was with you, you made sex a living nightmare, and I couldn’t even drink myself stupid to get through it.
Diane: [Smiles like she usually does when she takes these punches] I wouldn’t worry – I think you drank yourself stupid a long time ago. [She walks off]
Frasier: [Cheerlessly] Poor Mrs. Robinson…
Norm: Um…she didn’t really die that way, did she?
Frasier: Oh, of course not. She did believe I was her husband, but all the rest was pure fancy. However, I see now that my attempt at humor was pointless. [Cliff and Norm look at each other in concern]
Cliff: [Trying to make him feel better] Well I uh thought you were pretty funny, actually.
Norm: Yeah, same here.
Frasier: No, that was going too far. The old woman actually had the attack when I showed her the bill.
Cliff, Norm: [Start laughing]
Frasier: No, I’m serious!
Norm: Oh, well…it’s not like there was anything you could do about it. Come on, man.
Frasier: Yes, I suppose you’re right. But I still can’t help feeling a certain sense of responsibility – after all it was my office, my bill.
Cliff: You know there, Frasier, down in Florida, when a Seminole man has witnessed the death of another tribesman, two of his friends take him to the forest for a ceremony where his guardian spirit supposedly eh cleanses his soul.
Norm: Uh, Cliffie – I don’t think we can do that here in Boston. Plus, nothing cleanses the soul like good old fashioned beer. Gimme another one, Coach.
Coach: Ok, Norm.
Cliff: [Defensively] Well eh it wasn’t supposed to be a serious suggestion.
Sam: Hey, wait a second. That might not be such a bad idea.
Frasier: Oh dear God, Sam!
Norm: Whoa, Sammy! [He mouths “no” and shakes his hands]
Sam: Now listen. What if you and Cliff take Frasier here out somewhere tonight?
Norm: Like where?
Sam: I don’t know – maybe a movie. None of that intellectual stuff – just something to get his mind off things for a while.
Frasier: You know, Sam, that’s a capital idea!
Carla: Yeah, and it’ll keep you away from Ms. Frigidaire over there [points to none other than Diane].
Frasier: Clifford? Norman? Would you like to join me for a mindless night of movie-watching?
Cliff: Well I’ll go, sure.
Norm: …gee I don’t know…
Frasier: Oh come on, Norm, I’ll buy you a six-pack.
Norm: [Jumps out of his seat] So what movie are we gonna see? [The three of them make their way to the door]
Cliff: I hear they’re showing Star Wars over at Boston Commons.
Norm: Oh yeah! Then we can head over to the Hungry Heffer – they have these midnight specials: all the left-over food you can eat for 99 cents a pound.
Cliff: Uh, Norm, do you really think somebody like Dr. Crane’s gonna want to go to the Hungry Heffer? As a matter of fact - do you really think anybody with a functioning stomach wants to go to the Hungry Heffer?
Frasier: Oh don’t worry, Clifford! Tonight I’m no longer Dr. Frasier Crane. Tonight I’m just “Fras” – a man who finds pleasure in trashing his grey matter, liver and arteries all at the same time! Boys, you’re in for a wild night! [They cheer]
Diane: [Returning from the backroom] Frasier, where are you going?
Frasier: Oh, Diane, Sam just gave us the most brilliant idea! Norman and Clifford are going to take me out for the night to clear my mind.
Diane: Oh…well I could have taken you…
Frasier: Thank you, dear, but I really don’t want to have to use my brain tonight. You understand, don’t you?
Diane: [Dumbfounded] I guess…
Frasier: Wonderful, I’ll meet you at your apartment later tonight. Good-bye everyone! [They leave]
Diane: [Furrowing her brows, walks over to the bar] Sam…I need a Shirley Temple and a Manhattan.
Sam: Comin’ right up.
Diane: [Suspiciously] Sam…why did you tell Frasier to go out without me?
Sam: I didn’t say that exactly. I just thought it would be nice if he could spend an evening with someone who didn’t remind him of death, that’s all.
Diane: Sam!
Sam: Aw, come on. I just thought he needed to get out of his routine – do something different. That’s the only way he can get his mind off things.
Diane: [Softening] Oh…well, if you’re being sincere, then that’s very thoughtful of you.
Sam: Why, thank you.
Diane: You know, ever since Frasier came in here, he’s wanted to be one of the boys. You’ve really helped him feel at home, Sam. I really appreciate that.
Sam: Well, no problem.
Diane: [Smiling and gazing at him curiously] …This is a side to you I’ve never seen before.
Sam: [Distantly] Here [gives her the drinks]. Customers must be waiting.
Diane: [In a jolt] Oh, yes. [She takes her tray and starts to go back to the table; Sam turns away from her; she quickly glances back at him…almost longingly].
{It’s closing time at Cheers}
Coach: Carla, are you going to want a ride home?
Carla: Oh yeah, Coach. And can we stop at one of those 24-hour drive-throughs?
Coach: You hungry at this hour, Carla?
Carla: Not me – one of the kids just called to say we ran out of food. They’re threatening to eat the little one.
Coach: Oh, then we better hurry. Bye, Sam! Bye, Diane!
Carla: See ya!
Sam, Diane: [Adlib bye]
{Diane is wiping the stools and putting them upside down on the bar. Sam is cleaning the glasses. She looks like she wants to say something – he seems to know she wants to say something but refuses to encourage it.}
Diane: ...Sam, I-
Sam: What is it?
Diane: [Looks up at him, then looks down] Oh nothing. [Long pause] Sam…I’m glad you’ve started to see Frasier as more of a friend now – not just some extension of my person.
Sam: [Smiles and shakes his head] If he were some extension of you, I, as his good friend, would have him surgically removed immediately.
Diane: [Laughs] Oh, you know what I mean.
Sam: Yeah, yeah. Frasier’s a good guy.
Diane: Yes, he is.
Sam: I’m uh glad you two found each other.
Diane: Yes, so am I. Frasier’s everything I’ve always wanted in a man.
Sam: Well, good.
Diane: He’s intelligent, sensitive –
Sam: [Mumbles] Everything I’m not.
Diane: Oh, no, Sam. That’s not what I meant!
Sam: Oh, come on, Diane. You think I can’t tell what you’re doing here?
Diane: [Resentfully] What do you mean?
Sam: It’s not the first time you try to rub this in my face to see if I’m jealous. But you wanna know something? [His face reddens as he shouts] I’m not! I’m genuinely happy for you!!
Diane: [Feigning innocent confusion] Well if you’re so happy why do you have shout?
Sam: [Eyes popping out] I like to shout, ok?! I shout things when I’m happy! And I’m happy for both of you!! Now get out of my face, Diane!
Diane: [Smiles, playing along] Aw, that’s the sweetest vow of affection anybody’s ever bestowed upon Frasier and me.
Sam: Well good! Now let me finish these glasses.
Diane: Oh I’m sorry, Sam – I shouldn’t have said any of that.
Sam: [Calming down, he mumbles] …it’s ok.
Diane: [After a period of silence] You know…we could have worked... had we tried harder…
Sam: Yeah...I don’t know.
Diane: You don’t think so?
Sam: Well what does it matter now? You’re with Frasier. [He looks up and their eyes meet, each knowing what they want but knowing they shouldn’t want it]
Diane: [Whispers] Oh, Sam-
Sam: Diane- [They both hunch over the bar between them in an impulse, but as they do Diane’s hand knocks over a glass and it breaks. They both stop themselves and laugh nervously.]
Sam: Whew! That would’ve been stupid, huh?
Diane: I don’t know what we were thinking! [She looks up at him again and their eyes lock again – sparks fly…again]
Sam: Oh, Diane [They hunch over the bar once more, but Sam’s arm knocks over two more glasses. They both pull back.]
Diane: [Laughing nervously] I think somebody’s trying to tell us something!
Sam: Whew – maybe we should listen this time. [But his eyes wander over to hers once more…longingly – but they snap out of it.]
Diane: [Diverting her eyes quickly, stringing her words together] Ooh, look at the time! I had no idea it was this late! [She grabs her coat and purse] I better go home and wait for…[her mind goes blank]
Sam: [Thinks for a second] Frasier!
Diane: That’s right! Frasier!
Sam: [Trying to look in any direction but her eyes] Good old Frasier!
Diane: Good night, Sam!
Sam: See ya tomorrow! [They wave quickly and she rushes out of the bar.]
ACT TWO
{Open to exterior shot of Cheers, then the interior. The bar is full of people. Cliff is already there, Diane walks through the door}
Diane: Hello, everyone! [She hangs her coat and proceeds to tie on her apron]
Coach: Hi, there, Diane!
Sam: [Nods hello formally, without too much eye contact] Good afternoon, Miss Chambers.
Diane: [Nods back] Mr. Malone.
{Norm walks in}
Norm: Afternoon, everybody.
Everyone: NORM!!
Diane: Norman.
Sam: How’s life, Norm?
Norm: I drink, therefore I am, Sammy. Now gimme a beer and let me fulfill my existence.
Sam: [Slides Norm a beer] So guys, how was last night with Frasier?
Diane: Oh, do tell – Frasier came over at 2 in the morning too tired and drunk to tell me anything.
Cliff: Oh, we eh had a lot of fun, actually. That there’s one funny guy.
Norm: [Shrugs] Yeah, it was all right. One thing’s for sure: that man can eat his way through to China. The waitress at the Hungry Heffer said she’d never seen anything like it!
Diane: [Shocked] Are you talking about “my” Frasier?
Cliff: Oh, yeah – you should have seen him wolf down 3 pounds of “loobster!” [The guys laugh]
Diane: Oh my Lord! … Now I know why he was so sick this morning.
Carla: What are you talking about? Getting sick is every man’s reaction to seeing your face first thing in the morning.
Diane: Carla, the sink in the lady’s room needs scouring – why don’t you go stick your head in it?
Carla: A Brillo shot? Yaaa I’m gonna kill her! [Jumps on Diane and tries to claw her eyes out, but Cliff and another guy at the bar manage to pull her off]
Sam: Hey hey hey! Stop that, you two! If my customers want to see a cat fight, I’m gonna have to charge them extra.
Diane: [Regaining her composure] Sorry Sam.
Carla: Next time I’ll get you, blondie!
{Frasier walks in all frazzled but with a huge beaming smile}
Frasier: Good afternoon, everyone!
Everyone: [Adlib hello]
Diane: Frasier? [Walks up to him and asks him privately] Are those the same clothes you were wearing this morning? Didn’t you go home to wash up?
Frasier: Oh, are they? I hadn’t noticed! My brain has been hibernating for the past 24 hours and it’s marvelous! You should try it, Diane. I never knew laser battles could be so amusing!
Diane: Laser battles?
Frasier: Yes! Star Wars! It’s brilliant, Diane – fast, funny, exciting! Makes one completely forget about what a pathetic life one leads!
Norm: Liked it that much, huh Frasier?
Frasier: Liked it? I loved it! I went to see it again twice today!
Diane: Frasier! Do you mean to say you didn’t go to work?
Frasier: Nope! The new Fras skips work, eats and drinks whatever and whenever he wants and doesn’t want to have any conversation that lasts longer than two minutes! Excuse me, Diane. [Leaves her side and sits next to Norm and Cliff] How are my buddies doing?
Cliff: All right.
Norm: Can’t complain.
Frasier: Hhhha-ha-ha! You two are a riot! Coach, set me up with a beer!
Diane: [Appalled] Sam, what’s wrong with Frasier? Why is he acting so strange?
Sam: Oh, don’t worry. He’s just trying to be one of the guys.
Diane: No, something’s wrong. [To Frasier] Frasier, what’s going on?
Frasier: Everything, Diane! That’s the beauty of it!
Diane: Oh, I don’t like this one bit. This isn’t you!
Frasier: Diane, this is me – I just realized that there’s a whole blue-collar world I have yet to explore!
Diane: Well can’t you explore it some other time? I can’t have you like this tonight – don’t you remember? We have reservations for L’Auberge! We waited three months for those!
Frasier: Sorry, can’t make it tonight, Diane. Did you know there are actual restaurants out there that don’t have you wear a tie? And they give you portions big enough to feed a small country!
Norm: At a great price, too.
Diane: [Grimaces] Sam, do something about this!
Sam: [Enjoying the spectacle] What can I do?
Diane: I don’t know – but it’s your fault! You’re the one who told him to go out last night.
Sam: Oh, ok ok. Frasier, uh why don’t you clean yourself up and take Diane here out to that fancy restaurant?
Frasier: Sorry, Sam. The boys and I are going out again.
Cliff, Norm: …we are?
Sam: Hold on, now…can I talk to you in my office for a minute?
Frasier: Well…ok – but only for a minute! Hhha-ha! I crack myself up!
Sam: Diane…could you help me here? [The three of them go to his office]
{In the office}
Frasier: So what did you want, Sam?
Sam: Well um…you have to admit you’ve been acting a little strange…
Frasier: Ah yes, I know, but it’s all good. I’m a free spirit now!
Diane: Frasier…don’t you think this might be an extreme reaction to what happened yesterday? Seeing your patient’s life end so abruptly has caused you to believe you should experience life to the fullest – only you’ve now overstepped your boundaries.
Frasier: [Rolls his eyes] Oh god, Diane, I’m the psychiatrist here. Don’t you think that crossed my mind already? I’m just tired of the old Frasier Crane, who wasted his life fussing at every little thing!
Diane: But I like the old Frasier!
Frasier: The old Frasier was dull!
Sam: Aw, come on. Everybody’s life is a little dull sometimes – especially if you’re dating Diane [she glares at him]. If all you want is some more excitement, why don’t you get a hobby or something?
Diane: That’s right. You don’t need to overturn your entire personality!
Frasier: Oh this is outrageous! You two trying to give advice to a trained psychiatrist is like Barbara Cartland giving pointers to Shakespeare! The old Frasier would have stayed here to argue with you, but the new Frasier says, “I’m bored and I’m leaving!” [He goes back to the bar. Sam and Diane follow him out]
{In the bar}
Diane: Frasier! You should listen to Sam! Take your friends at the bar, for example. They’re not fun-loving, mindless, beer-guzzling buffoons all day long! Look at Cliff: he spends all his day delivering mail. What could be duller than that?
Cliff: [Taking offense] Oh, wait a minute there, Diane! Postal work is a eh very exciting yet hazardous profession!
Diane: Of course, Clifford, forgive me. Well take Norman: he doesn’t spend his whole day sitting at a bar – he has a life!
Norm: Now there, Diane, this bar’s more like my life – work and marriage are more like a pastime…or punishment for that matter…
Diane: [Frustrated] All right! But Frasier, the point is that you don’t have to act like this all day long for you to feel like you’re living life to the fullest.
Frasier: Diane, face it. The old Frasier Crane has left the building, and the new one is here to stay! Coach! Another beer!
Coach: Right away.
Diane: [Whining to Sam] Oh…what do we do?
Sam: Gosh, I don’t know.
Carla: Ah you two are pathetic. Can’t you see this is just a phase? Nobody who spent his entire life as a stuffed-shirt can change like that overnight. You just have to press his buttons, and he’ll snap right back.
Diane: [Entertains the idea for a while] You know, Carla, you may be on to something.
Sam: Yeah? What are you going to do?
Diane: Just watch. [Goes up to Frasier] Oh “Fras?”
Frasier: [Irritably] Oh what is it now?
Diane: [Says this very deliberately] Since you don’t want to take advantage of our reservations, why don’t I call your colleague, Dr. Winters, and have him take them off our hands? He would be doing you and I a big favor now that you think L’Auberge isn’t a fun enough place to be at.
Frasier: [His face fires up and he jumps out his seat] Dear God, Diane! You just made the most elementary grammatical mistake and ended that sentence with a preposition! And you must be out of your mind if you think I’m going to let that bastard Dr. Winters take my reservations! Come along, Diane! [He storms out of the bar]
Diane: [As she follows him out, she turns and smiles] He’s back!
THE END