Chambers
04-28-2004, 12:22 AM
Hi everybody. I'm new to this site and to this fanfiction stuff. I have been obsessed with Cheers ever since I was 6 years old - the Diane years are my favourite, of course. Anyway, I tried writing my own fanfic a few days ago after discovering this site. It takes place somewhere towards the end of Season One. Sorry - I realize it will be kinda hard to read without the format I used on word - i italicised all the words that needed emphasis and everything. So, if anybody's interested (aka - nitpicky), tell me and I'll send over the word file. Hope you all get a kick out this!
I have no rights to the show, “Cheers,” or its characters. This is fan-fiction.
Lost Episode #1
“Be My Butterfly”
Season One
Characters:
Sam Malone, Diane Chambers, the Coach, Carla Tortelli, Cliff Clavin, Norm Peterson
Guest:
Professor Stewart Brown
OVERTURE
{“Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.”}
{It’s minutes before opening time at Cheers. The phone rings.}
Coach: [Answers] Hi, how may I help you? [Pause] Oh, hello. Yeah, sure. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Ok, thanks. Bye.
{Sam walks out of his office.}
Sam: Coach, what was that about?
Coach: It was the phone, Sam.
Sam: Yeah…I heard. Who was it?
Coach: Some guy named Al. I’ve never met him.
Sam: Did he want to talk to me?
Coach: Oh no, Sam – I forgot to ask! [Slams his fist against his forehead]
Sam: Ok, Coach…what is it he wanted?
Coach: He wanted to invite me to his promotion party tomorrow night. Must have been a wrong number.
Sam: Oh, ok.
Coach: Sam, can I have tomorrow night off?
Sam: What for?
Coach: Sam, didn’t you hear me? It’s Al’s promotion party!
Sam: But, Coach, I thought you said you didn’t know this guy.
Coach: Well yeah, Sam. But, you know, I didn’t want to be rude.
{Opening sequence/ credits}
ACT ONE
{The bar is already bustling with people. Cliff is seated at his end of the bar and Carla is taking orders near the entrance.}
Cliff: Yo, Sammy! Where’s eh Diane today?
Carla: Yeah, Sam? Where’s the egghead? Late again? I tell ya, hiring her was the stupidest thing you’ve ever done – and since it’s you, that’s saying a lot!
Sam: Hey, come on guys. She said she had some issue to sort out with her landlord.
Cliff: Egghead, Carla? How many times have I heard that one before? Haven’t you eh been overusing some of the insults there?
Carla: [Turns and glares at Cliff] Hey, worm-brain! When the target isn’t around, you practice with blanks. I save the good ammo for when I can hit her right between the eyes. My cousin Benny taught me that.
Cliff: Oh? What does he do?
Carla: If I told you, he’d have to kill both of us [winks and flashes him her devilish smile].
{Norm walks in}
Norm: Afternoon, everybody.
Everybody: NORM!!
Coach: Hey, Norm, how was your day?
Norm: Cold, dry and sober – kinda like Vera. Pour me one, Coach.
Coach: Sure thing, Normie.
{Diane walks in rather gloomily and hangs up her coat. She slouches and sighs in hope of eliciting someone’s sympathy while she makes her way to the bar.}
Sam, Coach: [Adlib hello semi-enthusiastically]
Diane: Oh, hi, everybody.
Coach: Diane, what’s the matter?
Diane: Oh, it’s nothing. I’m just a little upset, that’s all.
Sam: What happened?
Diane: Well, my landlord came over today, and he gave me the most awkward news. [She starts to put on her apron] It’s so demoralizing to receive that kind of visit. [Gazes into space in her philosophizing manner] It really makes you realize how the old spirit of brotherhood that once cemented our community has been replaced with an impersonal void, alienating every man from his neighbor. Don’t you see, Coach?
Coach: Well I can see, Diane, but doesn’t mean I understand.
Diane: [Laughs] Aw, Coach.
Sam: So what did he say?
Diane: Apparently, some of the tenants have been complaining to him about me! Can you imagine? [She does her endearingly annoying “Diane laugh” and everybody but the Coach turns their eyes away]
Carla: Ooh! Do they have a club? Can I join?
Diane: Not today, Carla. I’m not in the mood.
Sam: Yeah, Carla, leave her alone. [Carla makes a face and walks on] [To Diane] So what did they say?
Diane: Well, it’s obvious these tenants, these poor benighted fools, lack any sensitivity for the finer things in life. If they don’t enjoy being woken up at 6 in the morning by my personal rendition of “Mio Bambino Caro,” well then I guess there is no hope for the cultural black-hole this country has become.
Sam: [Sarcastically] Amen to that.
Norm: So what’ya gonna do, Diane?
Diane: Well, considering one of the tenants sent me a decapitated voodoo doll, I’m thinking maybe I should give them some time...
Norm, Coach, Cliff: [Adlib] Yup, sounds good, probably better…yeah.
Cliff: Well you know there, Diane, it’s a little known fact that the first voodoo dolls originated in a sub-Saharan African tribe, where they were used to teach young girls about the eh male anatomy.
Carla: Good thing they didn’t use you or they would have stopped reproducing!
{All of a sudden, Stewart, a handsome yet adorably clumsy man in a tweed jacket walks – or rather – trips his way into the bar just as Diane moves to the backroom.}
Coach: Hello there, what can I get you?
Stewart: Oh hello, I’m looking for a Ms. Chambers?
Sam: Oh, uh, she’s in the backroom – she should be right out. [Sam sizes him up] You a friend of hers or something?
Stewart: Oh, no I’ve actually never met her. But we live in the same building.
Carla: [Gasps] Are you one of the tenants who wants to kill her? Please, can I help you in any way? I got tons of ideas! I have contacts! I gotta an uncle in jail who knows a hit-man!
Stewart: Uh…
Sam: Hey, Carla! Stop scaring the customers.
Carla: Whoa, then what did you hire me for?
Sam: Ok, ok, go scare the paying customers.
Carla: That’s better.
Sam: [To Stewart] Sorry about that.
Stewart: Oh, no problem. Well, actually, I was one of the people who signed the petition against Ms. Chambers…
Sam: Wow, there was a petition? So what are you doing here now?
Stewart: Well I realized we shouldn’t have done all of that behind her back.
Coah: Yeah, that was a rotten thing to do.
Stewart: [Earnestly] No, actually, I thought it would be more effective if I complained to her face-to-face.
Diane: [Returning] Sam, I need two more rounds for the back.
Sam: Um, Diane, there’s a guy here for you.
Diane: [Looks over her nose at the other side of the bar] Ohh…[she seems impressed] I wonder what he wants. [Walks over to him] Hello, I’m Diane Chambers. Did you want to speak to me?
Stewart: Why hello [he appears to be a little smitten but then becomes uneasy] yeah uh…I’m from your building…
Diane: [Frowning] Oh. You’re probably here to complain. Well, if you can’t appreciate the masters of Italian opera, then that’s your misfortune. [Hesitates] Wait…you’re not the one who sent me that voodoo doll are you…? [Nervous laughter] Because you I like!
Stewart: [Laughs] No, no, that wasn’t me…and actually I do know my Italian opera. I’m Professor Stewart Brown, head of the music department at the College.
Diane: Oh! The Stewart Brown? [Gasps] I can’t believe this! Did you hear that, everybody?
Everyone: [Adlib sarcastically] Ooooooh, the Stewart Brown! Wow!
Diane: Oh, my! It’s such a pleasure to see somebody of your distinction in a lowly place like this – that is, not that that makes you lowly for coming here – I mean, not that there’s anything wrong with that – it would be an equal pleasure to see you anywhere. It’s just that I’ve heard such wonderful things about your work. Oh, look at me go on!
Stewart: [Flattered] Why, thank you – you’re too kind.
Diane: So…I figure you’re here to tell me what you think of my rendition of Puccini?
Stewart: [Choosing his words very carefully] I uh never heard anything quite like it.
Diane: Oh, oh! Well thank you. Now you’re too kind!
Stewart: [Laughs] Well, maybe I am…[Diane does her signature laugh again while he begins to stare at her face unremittingly]
Diane: [Twitching her face ever so slightly out of embarrassment] Is there something on my face?
Stewart: You know what? I think I’ve seen you before somewhere…pardon my impertinence, but were you ever involved with a Professor Sloane?
Diane: Well, yes…but I don’t really like to recall that part of my past.
Stewart: Oh, forgive me – I understand. They’re still talking about what he did to you -[every word he pronounces brings more gloom to Diane’s face] I don’t know how I would cope if I were dumped at a bar while my fiancé was off with his ex-wife on my honeymoon! Nobody wants to be reminded of such devastation, such humiliation!
Diane: [Gazing into space] Well, you seem to be doing a pretty good job right now…
Stewart: Oh, no – I’ve done it again. Please forgive me, Ms. Chambers. I’m not exactly a master of tact.
Diane: [Regaining her composure] Oh, don’t blame yourself – and, please, call me Diane.
Stewart: All right, Diane [smiling thankfully]. You know, now I see Professor Sloane must be a fool for having let you go.
Carla: That or he was a genius.
Diane: [Ignoring Carla] Oh, please, Professor - you’re making me blush.
Stewart: Oh, Diane – call me Stewart.
Carla: [Carla sticks her finger down her throat] Hey, bleach bag! I’d hate to interrupt this puke fest, but you got customers waiting!
Diane: Carla! I’ll be right there.
Stewart: Oh, Diane, I see this isn’t the appropriate time. Perhaps we can talk later on when you’re not so busy?
Diane: Ah, well of course. It would be an honor!
Stewart: Splendid. I’m actually in a bit of a hurry now. Would it be ok if I came back in an hour?
Diane: Oh sure! I’ll see you then. Au revoir! Or – shall I say – “ciao!” [She does the “Diane laugh”]
Stewart: See you then, Diane. [He leaves]
Diane: [Returns to the bar smiling] Oh, Sam, could I ask you for a favor?
Sam: Let me guess. You came to work late, and you want to get off in an hour? No problem! It’s not like I’m paying you to work.
Diane: Oh, come on, Sam. I’m just going to need, oh, I don’t know, half an hour? Pretty please?
Sam: Well, all right.
Diane: [Sighs and giggles – she is beside herself]
Sam: Uh, Diane, don’t you think you’re getting a little carried away with this guy?
Diane: What do you mean? Stewart Brown is a genius! And, of course…it doesn’t hurt that he looks like a Greek God [laughs]. No, seriously, Sam. You wouldn’t understand how much this means to me.
Sam: You really think this guy has the hots for you?
Diane: I didn’t say that. But…as Duke Orsino so eloquently proclaimed, “If music be the food of love, play on!”
Sam: Well gee, come on! You just met the guy! For all you know he could be some kind of psycho or something.
Diane: [Playfully] Aw, Sam. It sounds like somebody’s jealous!
Sam: No, I’m not! [Diane’s smile widens] I AM NOT!
Norm: Ooooh, gotta watch out, Sammy boy. I got jealous over Vera once and got into some real trouble there. It was terrible, just terrible.
Coach: What happened?
Norm: [Shrugs] She got me to marry her.
Cliff: That’s right, Sammy. Studies show that eh seven out of ten women use jealously as an instrument to manipulate men.
Sam: Hey! I am NOT jealous!
Diane: Ah! Methinks he doth protest too much!
Sam: Oh yeah? Well, methinks you’re all a bunch of loons!
Diane: Aw, come on Sam. It’s perfectly natural for a man like yourself to become a little enthralled by a certain elegant blond who works under his nose, day after day after day.
Carla: If by enthralled you mean sick-to-his-stomach and by elegant blond you mean chestless twit, then you’re right!
Diane: Sam, isn’t it about time you told me the truth? Now, come on…
Sam: The truth? Oh God! You’re driving me crazy!
Cliff: Oooh, sounds like Sammy really has been bitten by the love bug!
Sam: No! Guys! Shut up, will ya?
Norm, Cliff: [Chanting childishly] Sammy’s in love! Sammy’s in love!
Sam: Ugh! God! Come here, Diane! Let’s get this straight [He makes her follow him into his office].
Diane: [Looking back at the guys] Aw, he wants to tell me in private!
{In Sam’s office}
Diane: [In a sing-song voice] So, Sam? What did you want to tell me?
Sam: No, no, no. Diane! Get this straight, this is not about me! I wanted to tell you something…about that guy.
Diane: [Getting a little defensive] Oh? What do you know about him?
Sam: Well…I think maybe he’s not being completely honest with you.
Diane: This from a man who seduces women by telling them he only has six months left to live?
Sam: Hey, it’s not my fault my doctor’s a moron!
Diane: Oh, Sam.
Sam: No, really. Listen, I think you may be mistaken about this guy.
Diane: How would you know?
Sam: Well, it’s just every time you even think some good-looking stuffed-shirt likes you – and lemme tell ya: this one’s not even that good-looking – you get all kinda….
Diane: Kinda what?
Same: …all kinda…ahead of yourself…
Diane: [Indignantly] Are you saying I’m loose?!
Sam: No, no! Well…
Diane: Sam! You know I would never offer myself like that!
Sam: Well it didn’t stop you from gushing all over Norm’s boss!
Diane: How dare you bring that up! I was just doing a favor for a good friend. [Trying to convince herself] And I would have done the same if his boss turned out to be some old, short, bald man with yellowing teeth [she cringes at the thought but snaps out of it in time] But that’s really not the point. There’s something you don’t understand here.
Sam: What?
Diane: You see [she laughs sheepishly] I’ve known Stewart Brown by reputation for some time now. One day in my building, I accidentally got a glimpse of somebody’s mail and saw it was addressed to a Stewart Brown. So I asked around and sure enough it was him! To think that a man of his distinction would choose to live in a modest little apartment only adds to his character. He’s a true, unassuming genius, Sam.
Sam: Can I hear the short version?
Diane: Oh shush. Where was I? Oh yes - a friend at the College told me she heard he was planning a small production for Madame Butterfly! True, it’s a little antiquated with its overt sentimentalism – not one of my favorites but still a classic in its own right. [Sam rubs his face in boredom]. Anyway, I’ve wanted to play Cio-Cio-San ever since my father took me to see this opera when I was seven. So I did some research and found out Professor Brown’s work schedule. I desperately wanted him to hear me perform, so I’ve been singing every morning this week before he leaves his apartment. Isn’t it brilliant?
Sam: Oh honey…I always knew you were a little zany, but you stalked this guy for some stupid audition?!
Diane: Sam! I didn’t stalk him…not technically…but I knew I wouldn’t be able to perform to my standards if I did just any normal audition. You see, I have a bad history of auditioning…I thought I would avoid utter humiliation this time if I let him discover me. And it worked!
Sam: Oh, Diane – are you sure about that?
Diane: Didn’t you hear what he said? “I’ve never heard anything quite like it!”
Sam: Oh, God. I didn’t want to tell you this, but I think I better. When that guy came in here…[trying to sound gentle and understanding] he was going to tell you to…shut your trap.
Diane: Sam! You’re being ridiculous! Stewart wouldn’t do that – and even if he did, he would never use such a vulgar expression as “shut your trap!” Didn’t you hear him? He loves my rendition!
Sam: Diane! Do you have any idea how many people out there would pay me good money to shut you up for good right now?
Diane: Sam, I know you’re jealous, but that’s no reason to be mean!
Sam: Ok, ok. You know what? Fine! Go throw yourself at that guy because I want to be there when you fall flat on your face!
Diane: Fine! I want you to be there when he asks me to be his Butterfly!
{Out in the bar}
Cliff: So eh what do you think the love birds are up to, huh?
{Diane storms out of the office}
Sam: [Following her out] You’re a nut, you know that?
Diane: No, that’s just the size of your brain! [She rushes back to work]
Norm: Ah, love – what a beautiful thing.
Coach: Oh, no, Normie. I think they’re fighting.
Norm: Uh…Coach…I was being ironic.
Coach: Oh. Well then so was I.
Carla: Sam, why don’t you just give up on whitey over there? She’s turning what’s left of your brain to mush.
Sam: Yeah, you’re right. [Pauses to think] Hey, what do you mean “what’s left of my brain”?
Carla: [Stares at him matter-of-factly]
Sam: Yeah, ok, you’re right.
ACT TWO
{About an hour has gone by}
Diane: Coach, give me two martinis, please.
Coach: Ok, sweetheart.
Customer: [To Diane] Hey, Miss, I left your tip on the table.
Diane: Oh, thank you, sir.
Sam: Oooh, look at that, Diane! He left you a tip! You know what that means! He must think you’re God’s gift to man!
Diane: Coach, could you tell that Neanderthal over there that he need not stick his big, fat nose in other people’s affairs?
Coach: Sure. [Goes up to an old man at the bar] Hey, you! Diane wants you to keep your big, fat nose out of her affairs!
Diane: No, Coach! No! [Laughing apologetically to the old man] I’m sorry, I didn’t mean you.
{Stewart walks in}
Stewart: Diane? Do you have a minute now?
Diane: Oh, hello!
Stewart: Could we sit down somewhere?
Diane: Of course! Par ici [she shows him to a table near the bar so Sam is close enough to hear]. I’ll get us some coffee.
Stewart: No, actually, I don’t think that will be necessary.
Diane: What?
Stewart: You see, Diane, this is very awkward for me. Earlier, I was going to come in here to tell you to stop disturbing the whole the building with your singing.
Diane: [Taken aback, she takes a second to look at Sam and then stares incredulously at Stewart] What?
Stewart: It seemed like a good idea before I met you.
Diane: Oh?
Stewart: Yes, you see, I tell students every day that they should quit singing, but I’m afraid it’s not going to be so easy telling you.
Diane: [Laughs forcedly to hide her annoyance] Shall we get to the point?
Stewart: Look, Diane. I can tell you have a fragile ego, so I’m not just going to tell you to shut your trap [Sam laughs in the background and Diane sends him a glare]. It’s not your voice that’s terrible – but, honestly, I’ve never heard somebody butcher Puccini like that. I’m sorry, but the tenants and I would really appreciate it if you stopped singing so much – particularly in the morning.
Diane: [With lowered eyes, tries to swallow the lump in her throat] You only came to see me on behalf of the tenants. [Stewart nods] I see. Well, I should have guessed. I’m sorry I caused you all so much disturbance. Rest assured, I won’t be bothering you anymore.
Stewart: Oh, thank you! Everybody at the building will be so happy to hear to this!
Diane: [Speaking through her teeth] Don’t mention it.
Stewart: Well, now that we got all of that out of the way…would you be interested in joining me for dinner?
Diane: [Trying to hide her fury] Uh – I don’t think that would be a very good idea, Professor.
Stewart: Oh, right. I’m so awful at these things…I come in here to tell you I can’t stand your singing and then expect you to go out with me. What self-respecting woman would say yes to that, huh?
Diane: I have no idea.
Stewart: So…that’s still a no?
Diane: [Glares at him]
Stewart: Right, I didn’t think so. Well, have a good evening…Ms. Chambers [Diane nods and slouches her way back to the bar as Stewart leaves]
Sam: Oh I’m sorry, Diane.
Diane: [Trying to keep her composure] No, there’s nothing to be sorry about.
Sam: Well then…maybe you should have listened to me?
Diane: [She mumbles something inaudible]
Sam: What was that?
Diane: Oh ok ok ok! I should have listened to you!
Sam: Hear that, guys?
Cliff, Norm: [Adlib] Go, Sammy! Woo, yeah!
Diane: [Whining] Oh. I’ve never been so humiliated in my life. This is worse than the time I auditioned for the Mikado and got sick all over Little Girl from School #3.
Sam: Eww…I mean – Aw, come on – don’t be so hard on yourself.
Diane: No, Sam, I’m afraid you were right this time. I’m an overzealous overachiever who is excessively flattered by every little sign of approval from a man of authority. You know, I think that’s the real reason I was so captivated by Sumner.
Sam: Oh, well maybe now you can be captivated by this man of authority [points to himself].
Diane: [Rolling her eyes, laughs] Oh, Sam. I hardly think a bartender counts as a position of authority.
Sam: Now, come on, come on. I see you getting a little hot under the collar every time I give you a command. [He says seductively] “Diane, pour that man a drink.”
Diane: [She ponders for a moment but then plays along with a husky voice] What kind of drink…..bartender?
Sam: Something hot….and….steamy…[He closes his eyes and puckers up]
Diane: Hmmm…[She leans in as if about to kiss him and then pulls back] You know, Sam, I’ve been thinking. This time you’re absolutely right.
Sam: [Opens his eyes in confusion] Wha…?
Diane: You’ve really taught me something here. I can’t let myself be flattered by some guy just because of his status.
Sam: Oh, no no no, sweetie. A bartender doesn’t count – you said so yourself!
Diane: No, you were right. I need to control myself.
Sam: [In despair] No! I-I was wrong – I’m always wrong!
Diane: No, Sam. You’ve shown me that I need to change.
Sam: Uhg! God! Hey, wait! I gotta an idea! Let’s go to my place – I’m not a bartender there – we’ll be equals! Or better yet – I’ll be your love slave! [He hurdles over the bar and drags her to the door]
Diane: [She stops him and pats him on the back] Aw, poor Sam. You’re right for the first time, and it all blows up in your face.
Sam: Ahrg! Now you know why I like to keep it dumb!
Diane: Well, today you hit the hammer right on the nail…
Sam: Oh, come on – my apartment’s only a few minutes away! [He opens the door]
Diane: [thriving at the sight of Sam’s despair]…but tonight you won’t be hitting the hammer on this nail.
Sam: Damn! [Slams the door]
THE END
I have no rights to the show, “Cheers,” or its characters. This is fan-fiction.
Lost Episode #1
“Be My Butterfly”
Season One
Characters:
Sam Malone, Diane Chambers, the Coach, Carla Tortelli, Cliff Clavin, Norm Peterson
Guest:
Professor Stewart Brown
OVERTURE
{“Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.”}
{It’s minutes before opening time at Cheers. The phone rings.}
Coach: [Answers] Hi, how may I help you? [Pause] Oh, hello. Yeah, sure. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Ok, thanks. Bye.
{Sam walks out of his office.}
Sam: Coach, what was that about?
Coach: It was the phone, Sam.
Sam: Yeah…I heard. Who was it?
Coach: Some guy named Al. I’ve never met him.
Sam: Did he want to talk to me?
Coach: Oh no, Sam – I forgot to ask! [Slams his fist against his forehead]
Sam: Ok, Coach…what is it he wanted?
Coach: He wanted to invite me to his promotion party tomorrow night. Must have been a wrong number.
Sam: Oh, ok.
Coach: Sam, can I have tomorrow night off?
Sam: What for?
Coach: Sam, didn’t you hear me? It’s Al’s promotion party!
Sam: But, Coach, I thought you said you didn’t know this guy.
Coach: Well yeah, Sam. But, you know, I didn’t want to be rude.
{Opening sequence/ credits}
ACT ONE
{The bar is already bustling with people. Cliff is seated at his end of the bar and Carla is taking orders near the entrance.}
Cliff: Yo, Sammy! Where’s eh Diane today?
Carla: Yeah, Sam? Where’s the egghead? Late again? I tell ya, hiring her was the stupidest thing you’ve ever done – and since it’s you, that’s saying a lot!
Sam: Hey, come on guys. She said she had some issue to sort out with her landlord.
Cliff: Egghead, Carla? How many times have I heard that one before? Haven’t you eh been overusing some of the insults there?
Carla: [Turns and glares at Cliff] Hey, worm-brain! When the target isn’t around, you practice with blanks. I save the good ammo for when I can hit her right between the eyes. My cousin Benny taught me that.
Cliff: Oh? What does he do?
Carla: If I told you, he’d have to kill both of us [winks and flashes him her devilish smile].
{Norm walks in}
Norm: Afternoon, everybody.
Everybody: NORM!!
Coach: Hey, Norm, how was your day?
Norm: Cold, dry and sober – kinda like Vera. Pour me one, Coach.
Coach: Sure thing, Normie.
{Diane walks in rather gloomily and hangs up her coat. She slouches and sighs in hope of eliciting someone’s sympathy while she makes her way to the bar.}
Sam, Coach: [Adlib hello semi-enthusiastically]
Diane: Oh, hi, everybody.
Coach: Diane, what’s the matter?
Diane: Oh, it’s nothing. I’m just a little upset, that’s all.
Sam: What happened?
Diane: Well, my landlord came over today, and he gave me the most awkward news. [She starts to put on her apron] It’s so demoralizing to receive that kind of visit. [Gazes into space in her philosophizing manner] It really makes you realize how the old spirit of brotherhood that once cemented our community has been replaced with an impersonal void, alienating every man from his neighbor. Don’t you see, Coach?
Coach: Well I can see, Diane, but doesn’t mean I understand.
Diane: [Laughs] Aw, Coach.
Sam: So what did he say?
Diane: Apparently, some of the tenants have been complaining to him about me! Can you imagine? [She does her endearingly annoying “Diane laugh” and everybody but the Coach turns their eyes away]
Carla: Ooh! Do they have a club? Can I join?
Diane: Not today, Carla. I’m not in the mood.
Sam: Yeah, Carla, leave her alone. [Carla makes a face and walks on] [To Diane] So what did they say?
Diane: Well, it’s obvious these tenants, these poor benighted fools, lack any sensitivity for the finer things in life. If they don’t enjoy being woken up at 6 in the morning by my personal rendition of “Mio Bambino Caro,” well then I guess there is no hope for the cultural black-hole this country has become.
Sam: [Sarcastically] Amen to that.
Norm: So what’ya gonna do, Diane?
Diane: Well, considering one of the tenants sent me a decapitated voodoo doll, I’m thinking maybe I should give them some time...
Norm, Coach, Cliff: [Adlib] Yup, sounds good, probably better…yeah.
Cliff: Well you know there, Diane, it’s a little known fact that the first voodoo dolls originated in a sub-Saharan African tribe, where they were used to teach young girls about the eh male anatomy.
Carla: Good thing they didn’t use you or they would have stopped reproducing!
{All of a sudden, Stewart, a handsome yet adorably clumsy man in a tweed jacket walks – or rather – trips his way into the bar just as Diane moves to the backroom.}
Coach: Hello there, what can I get you?
Stewart: Oh hello, I’m looking for a Ms. Chambers?
Sam: Oh, uh, she’s in the backroom – she should be right out. [Sam sizes him up] You a friend of hers or something?
Stewart: Oh, no I’ve actually never met her. But we live in the same building.
Carla: [Gasps] Are you one of the tenants who wants to kill her? Please, can I help you in any way? I got tons of ideas! I have contacts! I gotta an uncle in jail who knows a hit-man!
Stewart: Uh…
Sam: Hey, Carla! Stop scaring the customers.
Carla: Whoa, then what did you hire me for?
Sam: Ok, ok, go scare the paying customers.
Carla: That’s better.
Sam: [To Stewart] Sorry about that.
Stewart: Oh, no problem. Well, actually, I was one of the people who signed the petition against Ms. Chambers…
Sam: Wow, there was a petition? So what are you doing here now?
Stewart: Well I realized we shouldn’t have done all of that behind her back.
Coah: Yeah, that was a rotten thing to do.
Stewart: [Earnestly] No, actually, I thought it would be more effective if I complained to her face-to-face.
Diane: [Returning] Sam, I need two more rounds for the back.
Sam: Um, Diane, there’s a guy here for you.
Diane: [Looks over her nose at the other side of the bar] Ohh…[she seems impressed] I wonder what he wants. [Walks over to him] Hello, I’m Diane Chambers. Did you want to speak to me?
Stewart: Why hello [he appears to be a little smitten but then becomes uneasy] yeah uh…I’m from your building…
Diane: [Frowning] Oh. You’re probably here to complain. Well, if you can’t appreciate the masters of Italian opera, then that’s your misfortune. [Hesitates] Wait…you’re not the one who sent me that voodoo doll are you…? [Nervous laughter] Because you I like!
Stewart: [Laughs] No, no, that wasn’t me…and actually I do know my Italian opera. I’m Professor Stewart Brown, head of the music department at the College.
Diane: Oh! The Stewart Brown? [Gasps] I can’t believe this! Did you hear that, everybody?
Everyone: [Adlib sarcastically] Ooooooh, the Stewart Brown! Wow!
Diane: Oh, my! It’s such a pleasure to see somebody of your distinction in a lowly place like this – that is, not that that makes you lowly for coming here – I mean, not that there’s anything wrong with that – it would be an equal pleasure to see you anywhere. It’s just that I’ve heard such wonderful things about your work. Oh, look at me go on!
Stewart: [Flattered] Why, thank you – you’re too kind.
Diane: So…I figure you’re here to tell me what you think of my rendition of Puccini?
Stewart: [Choosing his words very carefully] I uh never heard anything quite like it.
Diane: Oh, oh! Well thank you. Now you’re too kind!
Stewart: [Laughs] Well, maybe I am…[Diane does her signature laugh again while he begins to stare at her face unremittingly]
Diane: [Twitching her face ever so slightly out of embarrassment] Is there something on my face?
Stewart: You know what? I think I’ve seen you before somewhere…pardon my impertinence, but were you ever involved with a Professor Sloane?
Diane: Well, yes…but I don’t really like to recall that part of my past.
Stewart: Oh, forgive me – I understand. They’re still talking about what he did to you -[every word he pronounces brings more gloom to Diane’s face] I don’t know how I would cope if I were dumped at a bar while my fiancé was off with his ex-wife on my honeymoon! Nobody wants to be reminded of such devastation, such humiliation!
Diane: [Gazing into space] Well, you seem to be doing a pretty good job right now…
Stewart: Oh, no – I’ve done it again. Please forgive me, Ms. Chambers. I’m not exactly a master of tact.
Diane: [Regaining her composure] Oh, don’t blame yourself – and, please, call me Diane.
Stewart: All right, Diane [smiling thankfully]. You know, now I see Professor Sloane must be a fool for having let you go.
Carla: That or he was a genius.
Diane: [Ignoring Carla] Oh, please, Professor - you’re making me blush.
Stewart: Oh, Diane – call me Stewart.
Carla: [Carla sticks her finger down her throat] Hey, bleach bag! I’d hate to interrupt this puke fest, but you got customers waiting!
Diane: Carla! I’ll be right there.
Stewart: Oh, Diane, I see this isn’t the appropriate time. Perhaps we can talk later on when you’re not so busy?
Diane: Ah, well of course. It would be an honor!
Stewart: Splendid. I’m actually in a bit of a hurry now. Would it be ok if I came back in an hour?
Diane: Oh sure! I’ll see you then. Au revoir! Or – shall I say – “ciao!” [She does the “Diane laugh”]
Stewart: See you then, Diane. [He leaves]
Diane: [Returns to the bar smiling] Oh, Sam, could I ask you for a favor?
Sam: Let me guess. You came to work late, and you want to get off in an hour? No problem! It’s not like I’m paying you to work.
Diane: Oh, come on, Sam. I’m just going to need, oh, I don’t know, half an hour? Pretty please?
Sam: Well, all right.
Diane: [Sighs and giggles – she is beside herself]
Sam: Uh, Diane, don’t you think you’re getting a little carried away with this guy?
Diane: What do you mean? Stewart Brown is a genius! And, of course…it doesn’t hurt that he looks like a Greek God [laughs]. No, seriously, Sam. You wouldn’t understand how much this means to me.
Sam: You really think this guy has the hots for you?
Diane: I didn’t say that. But…as Duke Orsino so eloquently proclaimed, “If music be the food of love, play on!”
Sam: Well gee, come on! You just met the guy! For all you know he could be some kind of psycho or something.
Diane: [Playfully] Aw, Sam. It sounds like somebody’s jealous!
Sam: No, I’m not! [Diane’s smile widens] I AM NOT!
Norm: Ooooh, gotta watch out, Sammy boy. I got jealous over Vera once and got into some real trouble there. It was terrible, just terrible.
Coach: What happened?
Norm: [Shrugs] She got me to marry her.
Cliff: That’s right, Sammy. Studies show that eh seven out of ten women use jealously as an instrument to manipulate men.
Sam: Hey! I am NOT jealous!
Diane: Ah! Methinks he doth protest too much!
Sam: Oh yeah? Well, methinks you’re all a bunch of loons!
Diane: Aw, come on Sam. It’s perfectly natural for a man like yourself to become a little enthralled by a certain elegant blond who works under his nose, day after day after day.
Carla: If by enthralled you mean sick-to-his-stomach and by elegant blond you mean chestless twit, then you’re right!
Diane: Sam, isn’t it about time you told me the truth? Now, come on…
Sam: The truth? Oh God! You’re driving me crazy!
Cliff: Oooh, sounds like Sammy really has been bitten by the love bug!
Sam: No! Guys! Shut up, will ya?
Norm, Cliff: [Chanting childishly] Sammy’s in love! Sammy’s in love!
Sam: Ugh! God! Come here, Diane! Let’s get this straight [He makes her follow him into his office].
Diane: [Looking back at the guys] Aw, he wants to tell me in private!
{In Sam’s office}
Diane: [In a sing-song voice] So, Sam? What did you want to tell me?
Sam: No, no, no. Diane! Get this straight, this is not about me! I wanted to tell you something…about that guy.
Diane: [Getting a little defensive] Oh? What do you know about him?
Sam: Well…I think maybe he’s not being completely honest with you.
Diane: This from a man who seduces women by telling them he only has six months left to live?
Sam: Hey, it’s not my fault my doctor’s a moron!
Diane: Oh, Sam.
Sam: No, really. Listen, I think you may be mistaken about this guy.
Diane: How would you know?
Sam: Well, it’s just every time you even think some good-looking stuffed-shirt likes you – and lemme tell ya: this one’s not even that good-looking – you get all kinda….
Diane: Kinda what?
Same: …all kinda…ahead of yourself…
Diane: [Indignantly] Are you saying I’m loose?!
Sam: No, no! Well…
Diane: Sam! You know I would never offer myself like that!
Sam: Well it didn’t stop you from gushing all over Norm’s boss!
Diane: How dare you bring that up! I was just doing a favor for a good friend. [Trying to convince herself] And I would have done the same if his boss turned out to be some old, short, bald man with yellowing teeth [she cringes at the thought but snaps out of it in time] But that’s really not the point. There’s something you don’t understand here.
Sam: What?
Diane: You see [she laughs sheepishly] I’ve known Stewart Brown by reputation for some time now. One day in my building, I accidentally got a glimpse of somebody’s mail and saw it was addressed to a Stewart Brown. So I asked around and sure enough it was him! To think that a man of his distinction would choose to live in a modest little apartment only adds to his character. He’s a true, unassuming genius, Sam.
Sam: Can I hear the short version?
Diane: Oh shush. Where was I? Oh yes - a friend at the College told me she heard he was planning a small production for Madame Butterfly! True, it’s a little antiquated with its overt sentimentalism – not one of my favorites but still a classic in its own right. [Sam rubs his face in boredom]. Anyway, I’ve wanted to play Cio-Cio-San ever since my father took me to see this opera when I was seven. So I did some research and found out Professor Brown’s work schedule. I desperately wanted him to hear me perform, so I’ve been singing every morning this week before he leaves his apartment. Isn’t it brilliant?
Sam: Oh honey…I always knew you were a little zany, but you stalked this guy for some stupid audition?!
Diane: Sam! I didn’t stalk him…not technically…but I knew I wouldn’t be able to perform to my standards if I did just any normal audition. You see, I have a bad history of auditioning…I thought I would avoid utter humiliation this time if I let him discover me. And it worked!
Sam: Oh, Diane – are you sure about that?
Diane: Didn’t you hear what he said? “I’ve never heard anything quite like it!”
Sam: Oh, God. I didn’t want to tell you this, but I think I better. When that guy came in here…[trying to sound gentle and understanding] he was going to tell you to…shut your trap.
Diane: Sam! You’re being ridiculous! Stewart wouldn’t do that – and even if he did, he would never use such a vulgar expression as “shut your trap!” Didn’t you hear him? He loves my rendition!
Sam: Diane! Do you have any idea how many people out there would pay me good money to shut you up for good right now?
Diane: Sam, I know you’re jealous, but that’s no reason to be mean!
Sam: Ok, ok. You know what? Fine! Go throw yourself at that guy because I want to be there when you fall flat on your face!
Diane: Fine! I want you to be there when he asks me to be his Butterfly!
{Out in the bar}
Cliff: So eh what do you think the love birds are up to, huh?
{Diane storms out of the office}
Sam: [Following her out] You’re a nut, you know that?
Diane: No, that’s just the size of your brain! [She rushes back to work]
Norm: Ah, love – what a beautiful thing.
Coach: Oh, no, Normie. I think they’re fighting.
Norm: Uh…Coach…I was being ironic.
Coach: Oh. Well then so was I.
Carla: Sam, why don’t you just give up on whitey over there? She’s turning what’s left of your brain to mush.
Sam: Yeah, you’re right. [Pauses to think] Hey, what do you mean “what’s left of my brain”?
Carla: [Stares at him matter-of-factly]
Sam: Yeah, ok, you’re right.
ACT TWO
{About an hour has gone by}
Diane: Coach, give me two martinis, please.
Coach: Ok, sweetheart.
Customer: [To Diane] Hey, Miss, I left your tip on the table.
Diane: Oh, thank you, sir.
Sam: Oooh, look at that, Diane! He left you a tip! You know what that means! He must think you’re God’s gift to man!
Diane: Coach, could you tell that Neanderthal over there that he need not stick his big, fat nose in other people’s affairs?
Coach: Sure. [Goes up to an old man at the bar] Hey, you! Diane wants you to keep your big, fat nose out of her affairs!
Diane: No, Coach! No! [Laughing apologetically to the old man] I’m sorry, I didn’t mean you.
{Stewart walks in}
Stewart: Diane? Do you have a minute now?
Diane: Oh, hello!
Stewart: Could we sit down somewhere?
Diane: Of course! Par ici [she shows him to a table near the bar so Sam is close enough to hear]. I’ll get us some coffee.
Stewart: No, actually, I don’t think that will be necessary.
Diane: What?
Stewart: You see, Diane, this is very awkward for me. Earlier, I was going to come in here to tell you to stop disturbing the whole the building with your singing.
Diane: [Taken aback, she takes a second to look at Sam and then stares incredulously at Stewart] What?
Stewart: It seemed like a good idea before I met you.
Diane: Oh?
Stewart: Yes, you see, I tell students every day that they should quit singing, but I’m afraid it’s not going to be so easy telling you.
Diane: [Laughs forcedly to hide her annoyance] Shall we get to the point?
Stewart: Look, Diane. I can tell you have a fragile ego, so I’m not just going to tell you to shut your trap [Sam laughs in the background and Diane sends him a glare]. It’s not your voice that’s terrible – but, honestly, I’ve never heard somebody butcher Puccini like that. I’m sorry, but the tenants and I would really appreciate it if you stopped singing so much – particularly in the morning.
Diane: [With lowered eyes, tries to swallow the lump in her throat] You only came to see me on behalf of the tenants. [Stewart nods] I see. Well, I should have guessed. I’m sorry I caused you all so much disturbance. Rest assured, I won’t be bothering you anymore.
Stewart: Oh, thank you! Everybody at the building will be so happy to hear to this!
Diane: [Speaking through her teeth] Don’t mention it.
Stewart: Well, now that we got all of that out of the way…would you be interested in joining me for dinner?
Diane: [Trying to hide her fury] Uh – I don’t think that would be a very good idea, Professor.
Stewart: Oh, right. I’m so awful at these things…I come in here to tell you I can’t stand your singing and then expect you to go out with me. What self-respecting woman would say yes to that, huh?
Diane: I have no idea.
Stewart: So…that’s still a no?
Diane: [Glares at him]
Stewart: Right, I didn’t think so. Well, have a good evening…Ms. Chambers [Diane nods and slouches her way back to the bar as Stewart leaves]
Sam: Oh I’m sorry, Diane.
Diane: [Trying to keep her composure] No, there’s nothing to be sorry about.
Sam: Well then…maybe you should have listened to me?
Diane: [She mumbles something inaudible]
Sam: What was that?
Diane: Oh ok ok ok! I should have listened to you!
Sam: Hear that, guys?
Cliff, Norm: [Adlib] Go, Sammy! Woo, yeah!
Diane: [Whining] Oh. I’ve never been so humiliated in my life. This is worse than the time I auditioned for the Mikado and got sick all over Little Girl from School #3.
Sam: Eww…I mean – Aw, come on – don’t be so hard on yourself.
Diane: No, Sam, I’m afraid you were right this time. I’m an overzealous overachiever who is excessively flattered by every little sign of approval from a man of authority. You know, I think that’s the real reason I was so captivated by Sumner.
Sam: Oh, well maybe now you can be captivated by this man of authority [points to himself].
Diane: [Rolling her eyes, laughs] Oh, Sam. I hardly think a bartender counts as a position of authority.
Sam: Now, come on, come on. I see you getting a little hot under the collar every time I give you a command. [He says seductively] “Diane, pour that man a drink.”
Diane: [She ponders for a moment but then plays along with a husky voice] What kind of drink…..bartender?
Sam: Something hot….and….steamy…[He closes his eyes and puckers up]
Diane: Hmmm…[She leans in as if about to kiss him and then pulls back] You know, Sam, I’ve been thinking. This time you’re absolutely right.
Sam: [Opens his eyes in confusion] Wha…?
Diane: You’ve really taught me something here. I can’t let myself be flattered by some guy just because of his status.
Sam: Oh, no no no, sweetie. A bartender doesn’t count – you said so yourself!
Diane: No, you were right. I need to control myself.
Sam: [In despair] No! I-I was wrong – I’m always wrong!
Diane: No, Sam. You’ve shown me that I need to change.
Sam: Uhg! God! Hey, wait! I gotta an idea! Let’s go to my place – I’m not a bartender there – we’ll be equals! Or better yet – I’ll be your love slave! [He hurdles over the bar and drags her to the door]
Diane: [She stops him and pats him on the back] Aw, poor Sam. You’re right for the first time, and it all blows up in your face.
Sam: Ahrg! Now you know why I like to keep it dumb!
Diane: Well, today you hit the hammer right on the nail…
Sam: Oh, come on – my apartment’s only a few minutes away! [He opens the door]
Diane: [thriving at the sight of Sam’s despair]…but tonight you won’t be hitting the hammer on this nail.
Sam: Damn! [Slams the door]
THE END