TJL
04-10-2004, 10:49 PM
“House Of The Dead” is a 2003 frightfest featuring killer dead people, stupid live people who get killed, lots of gunplay, exploding dead people’s heads, and the worst rave in history. The movie is based on a video game by Sega, who know a thing or two about creating remarkable characters and stories. Anyone who has followed the many edge of your seat adventures of “Sonic The Hedgehog” knows what I’m talking about.
The story begins with a bunch of annoying youngish people trying to get to this really awesome party at some remote place called “La Isla De Muerta.” Now I don’t know about you, but if the place I have to go to is called “The Island Of The Dead,” I’m faking a stomach ache and going back to my apartment. But, that’s just me, the old stick in the mud who wants to live to see another day. Total wuss, I know.
Our intrepid group of rave loving hipsters manages to get a lift to the island from Kirk, a crusty ol’ sea captain and…
Wait, Captain Kirk. Ha! I finally got that! Captain Kirk, from Star Trek! Hoo boy! That’s funny! Those writers were really firing on all cylinders that day!
Anyway, Kirk has a few secrets; he’s smuggling tons of guns and he used to be Jurgen Prochnow, a veteran German actor now reduced to doing B grade shlock.
After drawing straws to see who gets killed first (hint: in these kinds of horror flicks it’s always the stuck up obnoxious girl) the gang arrives on the island to find the rave deserted and the three survivors screaming bloody murder about some killer zombies who crashed the party, slaughtered everyone in sight and took all the remaining ecstasy.
Yes, this is one of those horror movies about killer zombies. For those unfamiliar with the basic rules of le cinema de zombe’, here’s a quick guide:
- Zombies are always pissed. You would think they’d be in better spirits, having been brought back from the dead and all, getting a second lease on life, but there’s no pleasing them.
- Zombies are cocky. Just because they were dead once, they think they are so cool. Go ahead, walk right toward that guy with the combat shotgun. You’ll see! I don’t care if you are the undead; Bullets are bullets, they’re going to sting!
Our club kids get a hold of Kirk’s stash of illegal guns and start blasting away at the zombies in the film’s 20 minute long gun battle, and thanks to that spinning camera trick that’s been in every action film since the first “Matrix,” our heroes (who really should have blown off the rave and had an inexpensive dinner somewhere nice, like The Olive Garden) shoot their little hearts out, all while jumping and flipping through the air like the cast of Ice Capades, but with more blood and fewer sequins.
The survivors reach an old house, which is probably the “House Of The Dead” from the title (I don’t know for sure, there was no name on the mailbox) where they meet a centuries old Spanish guy who brings the dead back to life and was mighty pissed he wasn’t invited to the rave.
At the risk of giving away the ending, the least annoying pretty girl and the least lunkheaded guy are victorious and are rescued in time to return the kegs to the liquor store so they can get the deposit back. Cha-ching!
The snack I chose to consume while watching “House Of The Dead” were Tostitos Gold Authentic Mexican Style tortilla chips. They were quite “bold and flavorful,” and were indeed “perfect for hearty dips,” just like it said on the bag. Kudos to you, my friends at Frito Lay!
“House Of The Dead” was neither bold nor flavorful, and it’s cheesy residue will forever remain on your face, fingers and soul no matter how hard you try to scrub it away.
;)
This review was taken from TJL's Livejournal, "Living The Dream" on view at Livejournal.com (see below for web address)
The story begins with a bunch of annoying youngish people trying to get to this really awesome party at some remote place called “La Isla De Muerta.” Now I don’t know about you, but if the place I have to go to is called “The Island Of The Dead,” I’m faking a stomach ache and going back to my apartment. But, that’s just me, the old stick in the mud who wants to live to see another day. Total wuss, I know.
Our intrepid group of rave loving hipsters manages to get a lift to the island from Kirk, a crusty ol’ sea captain and…
Wait, Captain Kirk. Ha! I finally got that! Captain Kirk, from Star Trek! Hoo boy! That’s funny! Those writers were really firing on all cylinders that day!
Anyway, Kirk has a few secrets; he’s smuggling tons of guns and he used to be Jurgen Prochnow, a veteran German actor now reduced to doing B grade shlock.
After drawing straws to see who gets killed first (hint: in these kinds of horror flicks it’s always the stuck up obnoxious girl) the gang arrives on the island to find the rave deserted and the three survivors screaming bloody murder about some killer zombies who crashed the party, slaughtered everyone in sight and took all the remaining ecstasy.
Yes, this is one of those horror movies about killer zombies. For those unfamiliar with the basic rules of le cinema de zombe’, here’s a quick guide:
- Zombies are always pissed. You would think they’d be in better spirits, having been brought back from the dead and all, getting a second lease on life, but there’s no pleasing them.
- Zombies are cocky. Just because they were dead once, they think they are so cool. Go ahead, walk right toward that guy with the combat shotgun. You’ll see! I don’t care if you are the undead; Bullets are bullets, they’re going to sting!
Our club kids get a hold of Kirk’s stash of illegal guns and start blasting away at the zombies in the film’s 20 minute long gun battle, and thanks to that spinning camera trick that’s been in every action film since the first “Matrix,” our heroes (who really should have blown off the rave and had an inexpensive dinner somewhere nice, like The Olive Garden) shoot their little hearts out, all while jumping and flipping through the air like the cast of Ice Capades, but with more blood and fewer sequins.
The survivors reach an old house, which is probably the “House Of The Dead” from the title (I don’t know for sure, there was no name on the mailbox) where they meet a centuries old Spanish guy who brings the dead back to life and was mighty pissed he wasn’t invited to the rave.
At the risk of giving away the ending, the least annoying pretty girl and the least lunkheaded guy are victorious and are rescued in time to return the kegs to the liquor store so they can get the deposit back. Cha-ching!
The snack I chose to consume while watching “House Of The Dead” were Tostitos Gold Authentic Mexican Style tortilla chips. They were quite “bold and flavorful,” and were indeed “perfect for hearty dips,” just like it said on the bag. Kudos to you, my friends at Frito Lay!
“House Of The Dead” was neither bold nor flavorful, and it’s cheesy residue will forever remain on your face, fingers and soul no matter how hard you try to scrub it away.
;)
This review was taken from TJL's Livejournal, "Living The Dream" on view at Livejournal.com (see below for web address)