Sit-com Survivor: Episode 2

[IAlsoLoveRaymond]

PREVIOUSLY ON SURVIVOR:

You won’t be getting any free flashbacks here. If you want to know the whole story, go back and read the previous episode you lazy bum.

Day 4

PAGAKORANAMU CAMP:

Day 4 found the tribe sitting around the fire getting ready for Jesse and Jack’s radio show. Jesse began the show with his trademark, “GOOOOOOOOOOOOD MORNING AUSTRALIA! Welcome once again to the J&J Outback Morning Radio Show! I am Jesse Katsopolis!”

“And I am Jack Tripper! As always we have a great line up for you this morning with all of your favorite classic rock!” added Jack.

“Yes, but first let’s go to the news desk with our own Ray Barone,” insisted Jesse.

Ray was somewhat slow to get started. “Uh… yeah I… I am Raymond Barone with the news. … So, how does a sports reporter end up doing the news? Well, that is the news around here. By a 5-3 decision last night, our newsman Alex Keaton was fired.”

“Now let’s go over to weather with Chrissy Snow. How does it look out there today, Chrissy?” asked Jack.

“Well, actually it looks kind of cloudy today,” informed Chrissy.

Off in the distance you could hear Raymond mumble, “Kind of like some people’s heads.”

RAYMOND ON THE PREVIOUS TRIBAL COUNCIL:

Jack screwed the tribe. Bottom line, Alex was very intelligent, though he may not have been the strongest guy in the world. But Chrissy, weak with a capital EAK. I didn’t like Alex either, but my thoughts were we should get Chrissy out first. If we had to go to Tribal Council again, then we would get rid of Alex. Take it from someone who makes a living from analyzing competitions, this was a bad decision. I want him gone. Jesse hasn’t really said too much about it, but I am pretty sure he wants Jack gone. First chance I get, I am taking him out.

Later on that day, Jack found Chrissy under a tree. “What’s up with you today?” asked Jack.

“I’m sick of rice. All I’ve had to eat today is two small cups of rice,” informed Chrissy.

“Look at it this way, this fasting is cleaning out your entire system,” explained Jack.

“Perfect, I’ll be the cleanest body at the cemetery,” responded Chrissy.

“You’re exaggerating,” insisted Jack.

“Am I? I’m hungry, I’m tired, and I have this really ugly wart,” informed Chrissy as she showed Jack a small wart on her left thumb.

“I’m sure it’s nothing,” insisted Jack.

“Now it’s nothing, but later on this might lead to serious problems. I just think that we should take care of this now before it’s too late,” insisted Chrissy.

“Well, if you are that worried about this, I will talk to Janet and see about cutting it off,” insisted Jack.

Ray and Jesse were busy collecting firewood. Janet ran up to them. “Are you two still planning to get rid of Jack?” asked Janet.

“So you heard us. I know Jack is a friend of yours, but I think we would be a stronger team if we had Alex,” insisted Ray.

“He is not my friend anymore. I just overheard him talking to Chrissy, and I clearly heard him say that he wanted to talk to me about cutting it off. He is planning on voting me out,” insisted Janet.

“Are you serious?” asked Jesse.

“That’s amazing. He’s an idiot,” insisted Ray.

“I was actually sympathizing with Jack, Chrissy was his friend and he was protecting her. But if what you say is true, I have no sympathy anymore,” insisted Jesse.

“He’s getting rid of all the strong people. He will not be happy unless we lose every challenge apparently,” insisted Ray.

“I want to join with you in voting against Jack,” informed Janet.

“Seriously, you are a strong asset to this team. I can’t believe Jack would want you gone. So yes, you have friends in us,” insisted Jesse.

JESSE TALKS ABOUT JACK AND JANET:

I learned on the very first day that Jack, Janet, and Chrissy knew each other previously. Jack was friends with Chrissy, and he was very adamant about protecting her before the last Tribal Council. So you can imagine my surprise when Janet, who is also a friend to Jack, came up to me today and said that Jack wanted to vote her off. I don’t understand where Jack’s head is, first he wants to protect his friends, now he wants to lose one. Jack, if Janet is lying to me then I apologize, but if what she says is true you just shot yourself in the foot. I’m not saying that Jack is leaving for sure, but one more vote will certainly make it easier.

JANET ON JACK AND NEW LOYALTIES:

We could have ran things around here. Why does Jack want to vote me off now? That was just a case of right place right time. I am glad I overheard them this morning, because now I know Jack’s plan. I have no reason to trust him anymore. Ray and Jesse want to vote Jack off, I can just go to them. Jack can play the game however he wants. I just hope he doesn’t expect me to go down without a fight.

Night fell on the tribe, and everyone was asleep. Suddenly Thelma rolled over and then woke up. She looked around the camp and then asked, “Good lord, where the hell is Chrissy?”

“What are you yelling about?” asked Ray.

“Chrissy, I don’t see her anywhere,” informed Thelma.

“I see her,” intervened Jesse. The tribe turned and saw Chrissy slowly walking down the beach with her hands in front of her.

“Perfect, she’s sleepwalking,” explained Jack.

“Someone needs to get her,” insisted Claire.

“I’m not going to get her. It’s dangerous to wake a sleepwalker. When they wake up they kill the person closest to them,” insisted Ray.

“Oh Ray, that’s a myth,” responded Jesse. Then he left the shelter and headed down the beach. “Chrissy! Chrissy! …”

JESSE’S INCREASING CONCERNS ABOUT CHRISSY:

It’s dangerous out here, especially at night. This is not the environment for a sleepwalker. Chrissy could get lost, she could trip over a rock and break a leg, she could fall into the fire and get burned, she could fall into the river and drown. This is not a good place to be a sleepwalker. It’s just another example of Chrissy being a liability to the tribe, and why we need to get rid of her. It’s a question of her own safety now.

[IAlsoLoveRaymond]

TAGUCHAMBUROTU CAMP:

Day 4 found the tribe sitting around the fire sharing a can of cherries. “Good morning everyone,” said Norm.

“NORM!” yelled the rest of the tribe.

“What do you know, Norm?” asked Frank.

“Women, you can’t live with them, what’s for breakfast?” responded Norm.

“That’s good Norm, I will have to remember that for my next lodge meeting,” insisted Frank.

“Oh Frank, close your mouth before you chew,” insisted Marie.

“Oh Marie, close your mouth before you speak,” responded Frank. “Are you married, Norm?”

“Don’t get me started. My wife is just one of the reasons why I spend so much time at Cheers,” insisted Norm.

“I don’t have a Cheers in Lindbrook, so I am stuck at home with her. Everyday it is the same thing ‘Frank, wipe your feet’, ‘Frank, don’t put your shoes on the coffee table’, ‘Frank, zip up your fly’, ‘Frank, your sleeve is not a napkin’, ‘Frank, don’t scratch that’,” explained Frank.

“My wife’s name is Vera, and I know how you feel. Only when I am home it is more like ‘Why don’t you get off your lazy butt and do something you fat slob? You spend all day with those idiots at the bar. You never make any time for blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah,” replied Norm.

“Wait a minute, are you sure you are not talking about Marie?” asked Frank.

FRANK TALKS ABOUT NORM:

I didn’t think I could possibly like anyone on this tribe. But Norm and I just have so much in common as it would turn out. I served in the Army, Norm served in the Army. I used to be an accountant, Norm used to be an accountant. I like beer and pretzels, Norm likes beer and pretzels. My wife is a nutcase, Norm’s wife is a nutcase. He’s like a slightly younger version of me, we can totally relate to each other. As far as his loyalty to Carla, that could hurt me later. But as things stand now, I won’t vote for Norm, and out of respect for Norm I won’t vote for Carla.

MARIE TALKS ABOUT LIVING WITH FRANK:

I don’t know what Frank is complaining about. I cook his meals, I do his laundry. If anything I am the one who has it bad. This is an average morning for me. I get up at 7:30, I wash the dishes, and then I think about breakfast. At this point Frank storms into the kitchen, scratches his behind, sits down, and says ‘Yo Marie, pancakes! Pancakes, Marie! Pancakes! Pancakes! Pancakes!’. Like if he yells ‘pancakes’ enough times, they will magically make themselves. And we can’t go out to eat either, Frank’s craziness has gotten us banned from nearly every restaurant in town. Plus his idea of formal wear is boxer shorts and a t-shirt with sleeves.

Later that day, Robert was sitting by the fire. Danny took a broom, his luxury item, and began sweeping around the camp. Frank walked passed him and said, “Holy crap, just when I thought I had seen everything. What the hell are you doing now?”

“Have you looked at this dessert? It’s a mess,” insisted Danny.

“Of course it’s a mess, it’s a dessert. Things are bound to get messy out here. Get used to it, Danielle,” replied Frank.

Immediately Robert rose to his feet and said, “Would you mind explaining that?”

“Explaining what?” asked Frank.

“The Danielle comment, what was that about?” asked Robert.

“He brought a broom for a luxury item, and he is trying to sweep the sand off the desert! End of explanation!” insisted Frank.

“What are you getting on his case for? Just because he wants things to be somewhat clean around here!” responded Robert.

“Oh holy mother of crap! Are you two dating now or something?” retorted Frank.

“Yes, another beautiful example of that piercing Frank Barone wit! If you hate the guy so much, just vote him off at the next Tribal Council instead of making fun of him all the time!” insisted Robert.

“I have no intention of voting him off! I take it as my personal challenge to teach Danielle a few things about being a man!” informed Frank.

“I’m just curious, will this be anything like when you taught me how to drive?” asked Robert.

“What are you talking about?” asked Frank.

“Nothing, I’m just remembering when you taught me how to drive, and your innovative teaching method of putting the word ‘idiot’ at the end of every sentence! ‘Turn left idiot!’ ‘Hit the breaks idiot!’ ‘That was a stop sign idiot!’ ‘Put the car in park idiot!’ If you ever think of going into child psychology, just stop for one minute, and then do absolutely nothing!” replied Robert.

“Oh yeah, you cried like a sissy! ‘Boohoohoo why are you yelling at me? How can possibly learn anything with you yelling at me? Boohoohoo’ Give me a freakin’ break! When I was in Korea, I had thousands of people yelling at me, and if you cried out there they fed you to 30,000 screaming communists! Words to live by!” insisted Frank. Then he went for the canoe.

“Yes, but where out here are you going to find 30,000 screaming communists?” asked Robert.

“Thank you, but you really did not have to come to my defense,” insisted Danny.

“I’m his son, I’m used to him being a jerk, and sometimes it’s fun watching him lose it. But you seem like a nice guy, and that was over the line,” insisted Robert. “I know you and Rebecca are close, but would you consider taking me on?”

“As an alliance?” asked Danny.

“I’m saying you, me, Rebecca, and assuming he is still there when we merge, your brother in law Jesse as the final four,” explained Robert.

“As far as I am concerned, anyone who puts themselves on the line for me can trust me. If you want an alliance, you’ve got an alliance,” insisted Danny.

DANNY TALKS ABOUT ROBERT:

Robert seems like a good guy to me. I like Robert, but then again how could you not like Robert. Just meet his father and you immediately feel sorry for him. My daughter DJ might fight me on this, but I could not have been as bad as Frank when I taught her how to drive. Anyway, after that insane fight, Robert came to me to talk about a possible alliance. I told him I would gladly align with him. He came to my defense today, and against Frank that could not have been very easy for him.

FRANK TALKS ABOUT DANNY:

My thoughts on Danny… like I told Robert, the guy brought a broom for a luxury item, enough said. I have absolutely no more doubts in my head, the guy is a fruit cup. No, scratch that, the guy is an entire fruit salad. How he got three kids is beyond me.

[IAlsoLoveRaymond]

DAY 5

TAGUCHAMBUROTU CAMP:

Day 5 began with Carla and Robert in the canoe trying to fish. “We might as well just give up. How many fish can you possibly catch when a stupid crocodile comes out of nowhere and breaks your line?” asked Carla as she held up the branch she was using as a fishing poll, making clearly visible the piece of frayed rope hanging from the end of it.

“Do you want to know why we can’t catch any fish? I will tell you why we can’t catch any fish. Somehow, beyond my complete realm of knowledge, all the fish must have found out that my brother Raymond is on the other tribe, and then they all swam over there. It’s the only logical explanation, Raymond gets everything, I get the shaft. It’s all about Raymond, everything always works out for Raymond,” insisted Robert.

CARLA TALKS ABOUT ROBERT:

Okay… just a quick impression of Robert. ‘Oh, it never ends for Raymond. Have you met my brother Raymond, he’s perfect? It’s all about Raymond. Raymond gets everything, I get nothing. Everybody loves Raymond. Raymond. Raymond. Raymond.’ Do you have any idea what listening to this loser windbag is like? It is like I tuned into WRAY Raymond radio, all Raymond, all day long! All this time I am thinking, if he is there when we merge, I will gladly choke Raymond if you would just SHUT UP!

Later on that day, Carla was stirring a pan of rice over the fire. Marie walked passed her and said in a disapproving voice, “Oh Carla, have I taught you nothing? You’re supposed to stir clockwise, dear.”

“I’ve been doing it both ways for years. I have yet to notice a difference,” insisted Carla.

“Just give me the spoon, and let me do it my way. Trust me, the rice will actually have flavor this time. And don’t get discouraged honey, not everyone can be a great chef like me,” insisted Marie.

“Have at it, Marie,” insisted Carla. She handed Marie the stirring spoon and walked away mumbling, “I hope you pass out in the flame.”

Then Roseanne rose from under the shelter. “Roseanne, you’re up,” said a shocked Marie.

“Yeah, what’s it to you?” asked Roseanne.

“I just wasn’t sure if the 20 hours of sleep you got yesterday were enough,” complained Marie. “I’m not criticizing, it’s perfectly fine with me if you want to stick me, a weak, exhausted, overworked old lady, with all of the chores.”

“If you insist,” replied Roseanne. Then she went back under the shelter, and resumed her position next to Norm.

“I tried to warn you about Marie. So bossy, she almost makes me long for my wife,” insisted Norm.

“Did you hear the guilt trip she tried to lay on me? I have news for her, after all those years living with my mother, there isn’t a guilt trip alive that works on me,” explained Roseanne.

“She’s so full of herself. That’s why I don’t do anything around here,” insisted Norm.

“Yeah, that’s why,” intervened Carla as she walked by.

ROSEANNE TALKS ABOUT MARIE:

This game is about knowing what buttons to push on what people. I push people’s buttons on purpose. The buttons to push on Marie are… she is very sure of herself, she wants everything done her way, and she takes her cooking way too seriously. Like it really matters if you stir the rice clockwise, counter clockwise, or if you put a lid on the pan and do a ceremonial cooking dance around it. As far as I am concerned the rice still tastes like pee no matter what you do to it.

MARIE ON ROSEANNE:

Next to Frank, Roseanne is the most tasteless human being I have ever met, but at least I am used to it with Frank. The laziness, the constant string of swearing and dirty jokes, and that voice is enough to make me wish I brought ear plugs for a luxury item. I know it sounds petty, but you’ve heard her. It is like listening to an elephant sneeze 24 hours a day. And she wonders why nobody wants to align with her.

[IAlsoLoveRaymond]

PAGAKORANAMU CAMP:

For Ray and Jesse, Day 5 began very early. The skies were still dark, and they were out near the fire on duty for what the tribe now called Chrissy Watch. “So, you have twins too?” asked Jesse.

“I like having identical twins because I can save money on photographs. It’s like ‘Here’s my son, and I have another one at home that looks just like him’,” explained Ray.

“Sounds good in theory, but I doubt my wife would go for the idea,” informed Jesse.

“Wives, don’t get me started,” responded Ray.

“I still can’t believe they split my family up,” insisted Jesse.

“I have three on the other team. Being apart from them is like being on a year round vacation to me,” informed Ray.

“You can’t be serious, they’re you’re family. I wish my family was here,” informed Jesse.

“They’re weird and obnoxious. Let’s start with my brother Robert. The guy blames me for everything that goes wrong in his life. The guy loves making fun of me, calling me Lame-ond, Gaymond, and my personal favorite Lame-ond Gaymond Goawaymond,” informed Ray. “Oh yeah, 1988, worst year of my life.”

“How do you figure?” asked Jesse.

“Did you ever see that movie Rain Man?” asked Ray.

“Yeah,” replied Jesse.

“Well, so did we, and for months afterwards my brother called me everyday saying ‘Yeah, yeah Rain Man, definitely Rain Man. It’s definitely my brother Rain Man, definitely. Are you an excellent driver Rain Man? How much time ‘til
Wapner Rain Man?’” replied Ray.

“Of course brothers fight, but I never had a brother. I had a sister who was killed by a drunk driver. The closest thing I have is a brother in-law,” explained Jesse.

“You wouldn’t want Robert, he’s the weirdest guy you will ever meet. He has left and right sock drawers, he eats bologna pie, and when he reads a book he licks his fingers before turning the page. Even as a kid he was weird. Most kids fall asleep to a story or a song, I fell asleep to the sound of Robert in the lower bed naming his toes. There was Fat Tony, Tiny Tim, Jimmy The Rat… well, I can’t remember all of them,” explained Ray.

“What about your parents?” asked Jesse.

“My mother refused to leave me alone. When I was younger, she would find out the lunch hour at my school, come down to the school, and sit with me,” explained Ray.

“Well, when you are a kid sometimes…”

“Kid nothing, she was doing it when I was 14,” replied Ray. “And my dad is the most insensitive jerk you will ever meet. He insults everyone he sees, he never pays back money when he borrows it, and he loves to argue. We once took a family vacation to the Grand Canyon. I don’t remember anything about the Grand Canyon. My fondest memory of the trip was my dad flipping out on a tollbooth collector ‘PENNIES ARE MONEY!’ I live across the street from them right now. I want to win this money so I can move.”

“I want to win for my family, put some money away for the future. Then I would like to get a new motorcycle,” informed Jesse.

JESSE TALKS ABOUT RAYMOND:

This morning Ray and I were doing our shift for what the tribe calls Chrissy Watch, you know… in case she starts sleep walking again. We talked about where we want to be after Survivor, what we would do with the money, we talked about our families. Personally, I think Ray was exaggerating, there is no way that his family is as bad as he says they are. But, like I said, I don’t have any brothers, and I haven’t met anyone that I would consider a brother since Danny. But after talking to Ray earlier, I think I would consider him as like being my brother.

Later on that morning, Jack was cooking some rice over the fire. “Okay, the rice is finally ready. I apologize for the wait,” insisted Jack.

“None for me, I’m suddenly not hungry,” responded Janet.

“We live on pieces of fruit and rice, and we have yet to catch any fish or find any other meat. We are all hungry,” intervened Claire.

“Yes, you really should eat some rice. We will probably have a challenge today, and you need your strength,” explained Jack.

“Raymond, would you please tell Jack that I don’t take food from backstabbing weasels?” asked Janet.

“Janet says she doesn’t take food from backstabbing weasels,” repeated Raymond.

“Backstabbing weasels! What are you talking about?” asked Jack.

“Raymond, tell Jack he knows perfectly well what I am talking about,” responded Janet.

“Janet says you know perfectly well what she is talking about,” replied Raymond.

“Then tell Janet that I really don’t have a clue,” said Jack.

“Jack says that he really doesn’t have a clue,” repeated Raymond.

“Will Raymond please tell Jack to tell Janet to tell everyone to kindly shut their pie holes? I worked two shifts of Chrissy Watch last night and I need some sleep!” insisted Thelma.

“Thelma says…”

“Shut up!” interrupted Thelma.

“Yes dear,” replied Raymond.

JACK’S THOUGHTS ON THE MORNING’S EVENTS:

What was up with Janet this morning? She caught me totally off guard this morning with all of her crazy talk. If this is some way of trying to split up the tribe to expose something, then let me know so that I can back you up. Otherwise I would really appreciate an explanation about the ‘backstabbing weasel’ comment.

“We have mail!” called Claire. Everyone ran to Claire who was holding the latest piece of tree mail. “It says ‘Today the challenge is for a reward, to lose would be depriving. We hope you’re not afraid of heights. How good are you at diving? If you are rusty, dusty, smelling like an old shoe, here is a chance to get yourself some clean teeth and shampoo.’”

“You mean I will finally get a chance to wash my hair! We have to win this today!” insisted Jesse.

CLAIRE TALKS ABOUT JESSE:

I can honestly say that I don’t hate anyone on this tribe. That said, Jesse and his hair… his luxury item was a comb. And at least five times a day you can hear him saying ‘How’s my hair?’, ‘I really need to fix my hair.’, ‘Oh, my hair is a mess!’. I have four daughters, and I can’t remember any time when they were as obsessed with their hair as Jesse is. We need to win today, or Jesse might just lose his mind.

[IAlsoLoveRaymond]

REWARD CHALLENGE:

The tribes met host Jeff Probst on the top of a cliff for the Reward Challenge. “Welcome to today’s challenge. Today’s challenge is for a reward…”

“Hence the name Reward Challenge. We are not morons,” interrupted Norm.

“Today’s challenge is very simple in concept, it is the high dive. Out in the water are two flagpoles, one for each team. One at a time, you will dive off of this 60ft cliff, and swim out to the flagpoles. Once one person has both hands on the flagpole, then the next person in line will dive. Here’s what you are playing for,” said Jeff Probst. He then revealed the reward. “If you will look close, you will see a few tooth brushes, toothpaste, shampoo, and some shaving gear. Tailusu… Tugoti… Burnette, we must talk about these names. Blue people, you have one more person so you need to sit someone out. Keep in mind, you cannot sit the same person out in back to back challenges. Who are you sitting out?”

“Norm,” replied Robert.

“If the rest of you would please take your places on your respective lines,” said Jeff Probst. The remaining Survivors took their places on their teams’ lines. “Survivors ready! … …GO!”

Claire dove first for Pagakoranamu, Robert dove for Taguchamburotu. Claire reached her team’s pole first with Robert not more than one stroke behind. Next to dive would be Jack and Roseanne. Not much of a race here as Jack quickly reached the flagpole long before the slow moving Roseanne. “HAVE MERCY!!” yelled Jesse as he jumped off the edge. Finally Roseanne reached her team’s flagpole and Frank made his dive. Jesse reached his team’s flagpole, and Thelma made her jump. Frank reached his team’s flagpole and next up was Rebecca. Rebecca took a look at the river down below and became hesitant as to weather or not she could perform. Thelma had some trouble swimming straight through the current and found her self being pulled up stream. But eventually, Thelma regained her position and reached the flagpole. Chrissy jumped next, and finally so did Rebecca. But she was not fast enough to catch Chrissy. Chrissy reached her team’s flagpole, and now came Raymond’s jump. He hit the water just as Rebecca reached her team’s flagpole. Next to jump was Carla. She hit the water as Ray reached his team’s flagpole. Finally it was Janet who swam passed Carla, and won it for her team.

“It’s over! Pagorna… Pagankor… why do I even bother? The green people win reward!” called host Jeff Probst. The Survivors swam ashore and Jeff Probst handed the reward to Pagakoranamu. “I’ll see everyone tomorrow for the Immunity Challenge. You can head back to camp.”

JACK ON WINNING THE REWARD:

Winning the challenge today was the best feeling I have had since I came out here. I also hope I proved myself to the team today, because I am not very strong. But there are ways to get around that, one way is to be fast. I am fast, and I am a strong swimmer. I think I showed that today, and hopefully I have redeemed myself with some people on this tribe.

JESSE TALKS ABOUT THE CHALLENGE:

I am just glad we won today, because we could have lost because of me. As I jumped off the cliff, I yelled out ‘HAVE MERCY!’ which anyone who knows me knows that is part of who I am. But in the process I hit the water, and I swear I must have inhaled about ten pounds of algae. The next guy could have very easily beaten me as I was gagging on that nasty stuff. So I am just glad we won today. Two losses in a row would have been huge, and I would have been responsible.

REBECCA TALKS ABOUT THE CHALLENGE:

Yes, we lost the challenge, but personally I am just glad I was able to jump off that cliff. When I was younger I would not have been able to do that. I would have just stood there for the next three days. I just got all these flashbacks to when I was ten and was afraid of the high dive at our local swimming pool. By the time I got back down from the top, I was known as ‘low board Donaldson’. But they can’t say that anymore.

[IAlsoLoveRaymond]

TAGUCHAMBUROTU CAMP:

“It would have been nice to win, but that was a sissy reward. What the hell do we need with toothpaste?” asked Frank.

“This from someone whose idea of good dental hygiene is to always brush after every holiday,” responded Marie.

“Whatever, let’s just get some rice on the fire,” insisted Robert. Marie went over to the cooking pot. Roseanne poured a jug of water into the cooking pot and then threw a bunch of her clothes into the pot.

“What are you doing?” asked Marie.

“I’m painting a picture! What the hell does it look like?” yelled Roseanne.

“That was a full jug of my cooking water that you just threw your clothes into. Everyone knows you don’t wash clothes with cooking water, it’s not sanitary,” insisted Marie.

“Neither are my smelly underwear after they’ve been left out for five days! If you don’t believe me, see for yourself!” yelled Roseanne. Then she picked out a pair of her freshly soaked underwear and threw them at Marie.

“I don’t like that, Roseanne,” insisted Marie.

“I don’t care, Marie!” yelled Roseanne as she proceeded to throw one of her stockings at Marie.

“I don’t appreciate the yelling, dear. All I am doing is making a perfectly logical complaint. I don’t think the yelling is really necessary, or appealing,” insisted Marie.

“Oh listen you senile old hag! These are my clothes! I will wash them when I want, where I want, with whatever water I want, and I don’t give a rat’s butt crack what you say!” replied Roseanne.

“That is the difference between the two of us. I believe you are frustrated over losing the challenge. I am also frustrated over losing the challenge. I am also frustrated that my own husband hasn’t approached about forming an alliance. Yet I am still able to keep my voice at a polite, acceptable speaking level,” explained Marie.

“My level, is that what has you so tweaked lady? Then let’s try this. Attention jerk off, these are my clothes. I can wash them whenever I please. Contrary to what you might think, you do not own the water, and you do not own me. And as far as I am concerned, a few extra germs might actually make your cooking taste better,” responded Roseanne.

“Did you just call me a bad cook?” asked a shocked Marie.

“If the food tastes lousy, eat it!” responded Roseanne.

“Oh that’s it! You can call me senile, old hag, whatever! But bad cook, that’s the final insult! Starve for all I care! At least now you will have some nice clean clothes to be buried in!” yelled Marie as she walked away.

Then Frank walked up to Roseanne. “You’re my favorite public speaker. Would you sign my shirt?” asked Frank.

MARIE TALKS MORE ABOUT ROSEANNE:

We had just returned from losing the challenge. We decided that we would just go back, cook some rice, and we were happy. So what is the first thing Roseanne does? The first thing she does is she washes her dirty underwear in the pot that I am going to cook the rice in. I can’t cook with dirty water, so I had to refill the jug, wash out the pot, pour the new jug of water into the pot, and wait for it to boil before I could even begin cooking. It is one thing to not do any work, but to actually make more work for someone else is crossing a line. If we have to go to Tribal Council, I am definitely voting for Roseanne now.

ROBERT TALKS ABOUT ROSEANNE:

Roseanne just continues to be a liability for this tribe. She picks fights with everyone, she doesn’t do stuff half of the time, and I don’t think I have ever seen her move except for challenges. Even Norm went out earlier and tried to catch some fish. He didn’t succeed, but he tried. Roseanne doesn’t try, and that is what is hurting the tribe.

[IAlsoLoveRaymond]

DAY 6

PAGAKORANAMU CAMP:

Jack and Janet took the early morning shift for Chrissy Watch. “Chrissy is on the move again,” said Jack. He went from his seat to wake up Chrissy.

“Is it morning?” asked Chrissy.

“Maybe, but you were sleepwalking again,” replied Jack.

“I’m surprised you didn’t let her fall in the fire. I guess backstabbing rats do have limits,” insisted Janet.

“You’ve been calling me a liar and a cheat for the past three days! What is going on?” demanded Jack.

“Perfectly accurate characterization for someone who has a solid alliance that they want to destroy in less then a week!” insisted Janet.

“What are you talking about?” asked Jack.

“I overheard you talking to Chrissy! I know about that person you want to talk to about ‘cutting it off’, that person that you want to vote off!” insisted Janet.

“I may be dumb Janet, but I really don’t think you can vote off my wart,” responded Chrissy, showing Janet the wart on her left thumb.

Janet took a step back. “A wart? That whole conversation was about a wart?”

“Yes, what did you think we were talking about?” asked Jack.

“I thought you wanted to vote me off,” explained Janet.

“Why would we vote you off?” asked Chrissy.

“I don’t know, I guess this game just breeds paranoia,” insisted Janet.

JESSE’S THOUGHTS ON THE EARLIER CONVERSATION:

Jack, Janet, and Chrissy had a conversation this morning about Jack’s loyalty. In the end, I gather there was some miscommunication of some sort, and it looks like Janet will be rejoining Jack and Chrissy for now. I guess there is always that possibility that they were trying to cover up a strategy, but I think they were being sincere. If that conversation had happened after losing the Immunity Challenge, then I might be skeptical. But it happened this morning, so I think they were being sincere.

[IAlsoLoveRaymond]

TAGUCHAMBUROTU CAMP:

Carla and Robert were off by the right side of the shelter. “But it is true, Raymond gets everything in my family,” insisted Robert.

“My advice is stop competing with your brother, you can’t win. I speak from personal experience. I have a sister who has me beat in every way. She’s a teller at a bank, her husband never gets drunk before noon, and I have eight kids, she has three. How am I supposed to compete with that?” asked Carla. Then she walked over to the fire.

“I don’t know what you are talking about, Roseanne! I do more than enough around here!” insisted Norm.

“Like what?” asked Roseanne.

“I went fishing yesterday!” insisted Norm.

“And!” demanded Roseanne.

“What’s the point, Roseanne?” asked Norm.

“The water jug needs to be refilled. Can you get it or should I send Robert, again?” asked Roseanne.

“You think I can’t get the water! I’m getting the water!” insisted Norm. Then he left.

“Oh, but Norm, you just got the water three years ago!” responded Roseanne.

“Norm can be lazy,” insisted Carla.

“Marie gets on me about work, I am not as bad as Norm,” insisted Roseanne.

“I know Norm, he is exactly like this in Boston. The only way to get him to move is to play keep away with his beer nuts,” explained Carla.

“I know your dating the guy or something, but what would you say to voting him off?” asked Roseanne.

“I don’t know what you heard, but I am not dating Norm. And I agree, his laziness is going to kill us,” insisted Carla.

CARLA DISCUSSES VOTING STRATEGY:

Roseanne approached me earlier about voting off Norm. Yeah, I listened to her, I told her what she wanted to hear. But, as things stand now, I fully intend to vote for Roseanne at the next Tribal Council, and I have two reasons. Roseanne is even lazier than Norm, which I didn’t even think was possible, but she is. So she is in no position to judge. Plus Norm is the only one I know out here, he’s the only one that I trust. I’m not breaking up my alliance with Norm for someone I just met. But I don’t want to tell her that I am aligned with Norm, she might come after me. So basically, I liked through my teeth. Nothing she can do once she leaves.

“We have mail!” called Robert as he came back to camp with the latest piece of tree mail. “It says ‘Take a number, and enjoy your stay, as you sit down at our Survivor café. But you could be selected as the next one ejected if you find yourself saying ‘no way’. It’s time for the food challenge.”

DANNY EXPRESSES CONCERN ABOUT THE CHALLENGE:

This is the moment that I have been dreading, it is time for the food challenge. They will have us eating beetles or cow brains, something nasty. I can hope that the tribe will sit me out of this one, but knowing Frank he will try to keep me in just to drive me nuts.

[IAlsoLoveRaymond]

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE:

“The Survivors will be here any minute. Let’s rehearse this one more time. These are the names we decided on, and you must learn to pronounce them correctly,” insisted producer Mark Burnette who stood across from Jeff Probst at Challenge Beach.

“I’ve got it, Burnette, Taguchamburotu, Pagakoranamu,” insisted Jeff.

“I’m serious about this Jeff, you can be replaced. Do you have any idea how many calls I get from Pat Sajack saying that he wants your job?” asked Mark Burnette.

“You threaten me with that all the time. It’s getting old,” insisted Jeff.

“Screw up those names again, and I will personally see to it that you can’t even get a job hosting the Miss Siberia pageant,” threatened Mark Burnette.

Just then the Survivors arrived and Jeff Probst began the challenge. “First things first. Taguchamburotu…”

“He got it right!” called Norm.

“Yes, but I still need the Immunity Idol,” said Jeff. Rebecca handed him the Immunity Idol. “Immunity is now back up for grabs. Next step, Taguchamburotu, you have one more person than Pagakoranamu. You need to sit someone out, and it can’t be Norm.”

“Danny,” replied Robert.

“Next step. In front of each tribe is a bowl with colored pieces of paper in it. Each of the seven competitors within the tribe must pick one piece of paper. Do not unfold the paper until you come to the table to eat,” explained Jeff. Each remaining Survivor took a piece of paper from their tribe’s respective bowl. “On that paper is a number. That number represents the number of live mangrove worms that you will have to eat.” He then lifted a sheet off of a tank filled with slimy, wiggling mangrove worms. “Here’s how this will work. I will call out a color, and the person from each tribe who has that color paper will come to the table and reveal the number inside. The numbers range 0-6. Regardless of the number of worms, however, you will have to complete your required amount in five minutes. If you fail to digest one of your worms, meaning that it comes back up at any time, you start back at zero and have less time to complete your required amount. Word of warning, chew each worm completely for your own safety. People have been known to choke on these. Let’s begin, reds your up.” The two reds stepped toward the table. “We have Jack v. Norm. Competitors, unfold,” said Jeff Probst. Jack and Norm opened their papers.

“Eat 4 worms,” informed Jack.

“Eat 2 worms,” responded Norm.

“Player with the lower number goes first. Norm, time begins when you pick up your first worm,” explained Jeff. Norm picked up his first worm and seemed to eat it with no problem. He swallowed and showed Jeff his empty mouth. “That’s one, you’re at 4 minutes 12 seconds.” Norm took his second worm and ate it a little slower. He swallowed and showed Jeff Probst his empty mouth. “Done in time! How did that taste, Norm?”

“Oddly enough, like really slimy chicken,” responded Norm.

Jack picked up his first worm. He began to chew, but almost lost control. Finally he got it down and showed Jeff an empty mouth. “That’s one, you’re at 3 minutes 45 seconds.” The next two worms went down somewhat easily. “That’s three, you’re at 1 minute and 35 seconds.” Jack had a bit of tribe getting hold of his fourth worm, costing him time. Finally he got his fourth worm, ate it, and showed Jeff an empty mouth. “Done in time! Oranges, you’re next!” The oranges stepped forward. “Claire and Frank. Competitors, unfold,” insisted Jeff.

“Eat 4 worms,” said Frank.

“Eat 3 worms,” responded Claire.

“You’re mine lady. When I was in Korea, I ate worms for breakfast everyday,” insisted Frank.

Claire picked up her first worm and was somewhat reluctant to eat at first. But she was able to get it down eventually. “That’s one, you’re at 3 minutes 40 seconds.” She had some trouble getting hold of her second worm, costing her almost a minute in time. Finally she got one and ate it. “That’s two, you’re at 1 minute 45 seconds.” Claire picked up her third worm and this time ate it with no trouble. “Done in time!”

Frank, however, had hardly any trouble with his worms. He finished in just over 2 minutes. “Done in time! Frank, I must give you credit. I have never seen someone inhale a worm like you,” insisted Jeff Probst.

“I told you, I used to eat worms for breakfast,” replied Frank.

“Yellows, you’re up,” insisted Jeff Probst. The two yellows stepped forward. “Jesse against Carla. Competitors, unfold.”

“Eat 5 worms,” informed Jesse.

“Eat 3 worms,” responded Carla.

Carla had some trouble getting her first worm down. Finally it did, but she lost a lot of time. “That’s one, you’re at 3 minutes,” informed Jeff. Her second and third worms went a little easier. “Done in time!”

Jesse didn’t seem to have much trouble with his worms either. He finished in 2 minutes 30 seconds. “Done in time! Jesse, that was almost as fast as Frank.”

“Are you kidding? My first day living with my niece Michelle, I had to change her diaper. It takes a lot more than worms to make me throw up now,” insisted Jesse.

“Greens, you’re up,” informed Jeff Probst. “Chrissy and Rebecca. Competitors, unfold.”

“Eat 2 worms,” responded Chrissy.

“Well, this is great English, ‘eat 1 worms’,” replied Rebecca.

Rebecca picked up her worm. She started to eat, but could not keep it down. “Our first casualty. You’re starting over at 4 minutes 10 seconds.” On her second attempt, however, she succeeded. “Done in time!” Chrissy ate her first worm with little difficulty. It was her second that caused her problems. She struggled to keep it down, but in the end it was a futile struggle. “Bad luck, Chrissy. You’re starting over at 3 minutes 20 seconds.” She tried again, and again could not keep the second worm down. “You’re starting over at 2 minutes.” She picked up another worm and slowly ate it. “That’s one, you’re at 1 minute 2 seconds.” She picked up her second worm, and this time kept it down. “Just barely done in time! All that trouble for two worms. Blues, you’re up.” The blues stepped forward. “Robert and Raymond, brother v. brother. Competitors, unfold.”

“Eat 6 worms,” informed Robert.

“OH YEAH!! ‘EAT 0 WORMS’ BABY! YES, I AM THE KING!” insisted Ray.

“There’s a freakin’ surprise,” sneered Robert.
Robert slowly ate his first three worms, but failed to keep his fourth down. “This is bad, Robert. You are starting over at 2 minutes 45 seconds, and that was my shoe by the way.” Robert tried again, but failed after two worms. “You’re starting over at 1 minute 3 seconds, I hope you are a fast eater.” He would make a come back, but only four worms. “Out of time! Robert, you failed to meet your requirement, it’s over! Pagakoranamu wins Immunity! Taguchamburotu, I will see you tonight at Tribal Council! You can all head back to camp!” informed Jeff Probst.

RAYMOND ON WINNING THE CHALLENGE:

OH YEAH! IMMUNITY BABY! In school they used to play Keep Away with my shorts after gym, BUT LOOK AT ME NOW! I AM IMMUNE! I’M NOT GOING ANYWHERE TONIGHT BABY! YEAH!

ROBERT EXPRESSES CONCERN:

I was nervous even before that challenge started. My stomach was already in knots. Then Raymond did not have to eat any worms, that of course only made me sicker. So I now know that I have a shot at being voted out tonight. I am the reason we are going to Tribal Council tonight.

[IAlsoLoveRaymond]

TAGUCHAMBUROTU CAMP:

Danny, Rebecca, and Robert approached Marie by a tree near the river. “We talked it over, and I think you should that we don’t want to get rid of Frank tonight,” informed Rebecca.

“What makes you think I wanted to vote for Frank? Oh sure he’s an obnoxious jerk whose idea of a cultural event is topless dancing girls at a tractor pull, but he is my husband and I am stuck with him,” explained Marie.

“I can put up with the stupid comments as long as he works. It seems like there is a contest to see who can do the least work out here. So far Roseanne is winning, and Norm is in a very close second,” explained Danny.

“Obviously no one wants Tribal Council, but since we have to go I would much rather get rid of one of them,” insisted Robert.

Meanwhile Carla and Roseanne were under the shelter. “I work on my feet everyday back home. I did not come out here to exert myself in this tropical heat. Screw all this other work, we need energy to get those challenges,” insisted Roseanne.

“My point exactly, which is why I plan to keep you. I have known Norm longer, and I don’t think he’s worked since the late 1980s,” explained Carla.

“So lazy he almost reminds me of my dead husband Dan, may he rest in pieces,” insisted Roseanne.

“People think we have an alliance, but I will be so happy tonight if Norm is gone,” explained Carla.

CARLA ON VOTING STRATEGY:

Yes, I am loyal to Norm. Really he is the only one I trust out here. But I can’t let Roseanne know that, so I figured let her think she is safe. Nothing she can do after she gets voted off. So I lied again, big deal.

[IAlsoLoveRaymond]

WHO'S NEXT?

Once again you will get a chance to interact with the piece. Who do you think will go next? All I will say is it will be one of the following.

Norm, he's a slacker
Roseanne, recent confrontations, plus she's a slacker
Marie, arogance will be her downfall

[Moonlight Lady]

I'm gonna go with Roseanne on this one. Norm's a slacker, but not as bad as Roseanne. Her attitude will be her downfall.

[IAlsoLoveRaymond]

TRIBAL COUNCIL 2:

The tribe walked a three mile trail to a cliff overlooking a waterfall on which was set the Tribal Council. “As you enter, you will find a personalized torch. Take your torches and place them into the flame. We do this because fire represents life, these torches represent your life in this game. When your fire is out, so are you,” explained host Jeff Probst as they entered the Tribal Council. The tribe dipped their torches into the central fire pit, and then took their seats. “Welcome to your first Tribal Council. This is where you are held accountable for your actions. Those actions will either help you or hurt you. When you are called to vote, you will walk down the marked path to the voting confessional, right down in clear letters the name of the person you are voting for, state your reasons, and return. The person voted out will bring me their torch, and then walk to the final confessional where they can speak their piece for as long as they want. After that, their part in Survivor is done. Before we get to the vote, Robert, let’s talk about the Immunity Challenge.”

“Let’s not and say that we did,” insisted Robert.

“You threw up on my shoe, you owe me this,” explained Jeff Probst.

“Look, that was an accident okay. I was nervous to start, and then when I saw I was going up against my brother Raymond, who of course did not have to eat a single worm… well, watching him get everything he wants all the time has always made me a little sick to my stomach. Yet another thing that worked out just perfect for Raymond,” explained Robert.

“Do you think you could be a target tonight?” asked Jeff Probst.

“I’m the reason we are here, of course I feel I could be a target tonight,” insisted Robert.

“What about at camp? How has that situation been? Marie, is everybody pulling their weight?” asked Jeff Probst.

“You know me Jeff, I don’t really like to criticize, but no. There is a little unevenness in the work load. Some people just don’t pull their own weight,” insisted Marie.

“Roseanne, how do you respond to that?” asked Jeff Probst.

“I think Marie has her head up her butt. Everybody contributes in their own way. Maybe I don’t go fishing very often or get the water everyday, but I prefer to save my strength for the challenges. In my opinion, that makes the tribe stronger,” insisted Roseanne. “Besides, I might be able to help with the cooking if someone would let me near the pot.”

“I’ve been a good cook for most of my life, dear. I just want the tribe to have the best meals possible. Is that really too much to ask?” responded Marie.

“You can stop with the guilt trips you old bat. They don’t work on me,” informed Roseanne.

“Rebecca, how do you respond to what Roseanne said earlier about saving her strength for the challenges?” asked Jeff Probst.

“I will just say it, I don’t agree with that. If a tribe member is slacking, and I have to do extra work, that only makes me weaker in a challenge, and that only hurts the tribe more,” explained Rebecca.

“It is time to vote. Norm, you’re up,” informed Jeff Probst.

Survivor: Norm
Votes:
Statement: Time to have a little fun.

Survivor: Carla
Votes:
Statement:

Survivor: Danny
Votes:
Statement:

Survivor: Roseanne
Votes: Norm
Statement: I would much rather this vote was for Marie, but Norm is the only person that other people have said they would vote for tonight, and I have to go with that.

Survivor: Marie
Votes: Roseanne
Statement: You called me a bad cook. I don’t like that, Roseanne.

Survivor: Robert
Votes:
Statement:

Survivor: Rebecca
Votes: Roseanne
Statement: You are loud, abrasive, and crude, but I could over look all of it if you did a little more work.

Survivor: Frank
Votes: Roseanne
Statement: One less thing for Marie to nag me about.

“I’ll go tally the votes,” said Jeff Probst as he went to retrieve the voting urn. “Once the votes are read, the decision is final, and that person will be asked to leave the Tribal Council area immediately. I will read the votes, first vote … … [ I ] … … [Roseanne] … … [ I ] … … [Norm] … … [ I ] … … MARK! WE HAVE A WISE GUY ON THIS TRIBE!” Then he left the Tribal Council area and returned with a video screen attached to a generator.

“What is going on?” asked Danny.

“I will tell you what is going on. Someone wrote something on this card that is so vile, so blatantly offensive, that while it doesn’t merit immediate disqualification, it should. We have cued up a video tape to the time the offensive message was written, but I will give the person one last chance to confess to doing this,” responded Jeff Probst. Then he revealed the contents of the offensive message, “[Jeff Probst]? Who on this tribe thought it would be a good strategic move to vote for [Jeff Probst]?”

“Okay, I confess. Excuse me for trying to have a little fun,” informed Norm.

“Everyone likes to have a little fun, Norm. However, this time, your fun broke the rules. Under Survivor rules, in the event that someone casts a vote for anyone other than a fellow Survivor, that becomes a penalty vote for the offending party. So, we are now at two votes Norm, one vote Roseanne. … … [ I ] … … [Roseanne] … … [ I ] … … [Roseanne] … … [ I ] … … four votes [Roseanne] … … [ I ] … fifth and deciding vote [Roseanne]. That is five votes Roseanne, that’s a majority. The last vote will remain a mystery. Roseanne, you need to bring me your torch,” explained Jeff Probst as Roseanne handed him her torch. “Roseanne, the tribe has spoken.” Then he extinguished the flame.

“For all of you,” said Roseanne suddenly. Then she dropped her shorts and proceeded to moon the rest of the tribe. Finally she left.

“After tonight’s vote, I should think that some of you are probably very lucky to still be here. It just goes to show that anything is possible in this game. You can take your torches and head back to camp,” insisted Jeff Probst. The tribe gathered their packs and left for camp.

[IAlsoLoveRaymond]

ROSEANNE CONNOR’S FINAL WORDS:

I won’t lie, I really could have used the money. It would have made my family’s life a lot better. I lost my husband to a heart attack a few years ago, my daughter Becky is married to an idiot, my other daughter Darlene almost lost her daughter after she had her, and she is still paying off the bills. I suppose the worst thing about this whole thing is now I have to go crawling back to Leon at the Lanford Lunchbox, and ask for my job back.

Even so, I made a promise that I would be myself if I came out here. I can be loud and abrasive to some people, but I don’t kiss butt for anyone. Marie was just so annoying, and I was not about to give in to her. I really don’t think she will win.

Oh, by the way Jackie, you still owe me $100. The bet was that I would be the first person voted off, and I wasn’t.

IN THE NEXT INSTALLMENT OF SIT-COM SURVIVOR:

It’s a mind bending, earth shaking, alliance shattering three days as two surprise twists in the game are revealed.
Loyalties are questioned when two Survivors are seen getting a little too close for comfort.
A Reward Challenge plays second fiddle to a shouting match between off shore Survivors.
An Immunity Challenge puts a Survivor spin on an old classic.

14 are left, who will be voted off next?

[IAlsoLoveRaymond]

I Should point out that Sit-com Survivor is still a work in progress. A complete episode 3 may take some time.

However, you can get a jump on episode 3 by going here

http://cgi.cineforums.com/forum/ikonboard.cgi?;act=SF;f=4

[IAlsoLoveRaymond]

Episode 3 is now complete up to Who's Next poll.

[IAlsoLoveRaymond]

After the long wait, Episode 3 is now complete.