Jokes, Jokes, & Jokes!!!

[Czas na Zywiec]

Can any of you think of some funny jokes? How about some really bad joke? Anyway, post 'em here! Let's see how many jokes we can get on this topic!!! :talk:

What about this one???

One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five dollars!"
The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from.

The little girl replied, ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree.

The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties."

''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl.

The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I got ten dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"

The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed."

The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is...''

Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy. I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today.''

[XoVanillaRain90oX]

:rotflmao: Thats funny!!!

I have one heh heh

What has 18 legs, red spots and catches flys?






























A baseball team w/ the chicken pox :D

[Kay Scarpetta]

:rotflmao: Eric, omg that's funny.

I'll try and think of some not-so-dirty ones to post :p

[Babes_Cat]

Oh God, I got alot........

A Book Never Written:
"Let's Do It" By Ira Fuse.

One day this duck walks into a connivance store and asks the guy at the counter, "Got any gwapes?"
The man replies, "No, we don't have any gwapes" So the duck leaves.
The next day the same duck walks into the store and asks the guy at the counter, "Got any gwapes?"
"No," is the mans reply once again. So then the duck leaves.
The next day the duck comes in and asks the man, "Got any gwapes?"
"NO!," the man yells. "Now, if you come back one more time I'll staple your feet to the floor!" So the duck leaves.....
But the next day, the duck comes back. "Got any staples?" he asks me man.
"No, we don't have staples," says the man.
"Good," says the duck, "Got any gwapes?"

There was once this man who found magic lamp and in the lamp there was a genie. The genie said that he would grant the man the one thing that is heart desired the most. "I want to be the smartest living creature in the world!"
"Happy to oblige," the genie said. And with a wave of his hand the genie turned the man into the smartest creature in the world. The man looked in a mirror and gasped, for the genie had turned him into a women.

One day a policeman catches a man speeding so he took a picture of his license plate.
The next day, the man received a ticket and a photograph of his license plate in the mail. So he sent the police a photo of the money he was supposed to pay for his fine.
Two days later, the man received a picture of a pair of handcuffs.

Doctor: I have some good news and some bad news for you.
Patient: Tell me the good news first.
Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.
Patient: But that's horrible! What could be worse than that?
Doctor: Well, I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

A blonde called the fire department because her house was on fire.
"How do we get there?" the fireman asked on the phone.
"DUH! The red truck!" answered the blonde.

A man answers a knock @ the door. But when he opens the door all he sees is a snail on his doorstep, so he throws the snail back into the grass.
Four years later, the man answers the door and sees the same snail there. The snail looks @ him and says, "What'd you do that for?"

A girl was crying while digging a hole in her back yard. Her neighbor asked what was wrong.
"My goldfish died," the girl replied.
"So why dig such a big hole for such a small goldfish?" the neighbor asked.
The girl sobbed, "It's in your cat!"

Three men were on a deserted island and they found a magic lamp. The genie inside the lamp granted each man one wish. The first man wished for a helicopter and then he flew away. The second man wished for a boat and then sailed away. The third man was lonely so he wished for his friends to come back.

Son: Dear God, please bless my mother and father and please make Montreal the capital of Canada.
Mother: Why do you want Montreal to be the capital of Canada?
Son: 'Cuz that's what I put for an answer on my test!

Sam played the piano for his friend Paul. "Well, how was I?" Sam asked.
"You should be on the radio," Paul replied.
"You mean I'm that good?" Sam exclaimed.
"No," Paul said, "I mean that if you were on the radio, I could turn you off."

Three guys stranded on an island found a magic lamp. The genie inside said that he would grant each guy one wish. The first guy said, "I want to be 25% smarter." So he swam off.
The second guys said, "I want to be 50% smarter." So he made a raft and paddled off.
The third guy said, "I want to be 100% smarter," So he walked across the bridge.

Billie: What do you call a sorry spaceship?
Willie: What?
Billie: Apollo G.

Dexter: What do you get when you cross your right eye with your left eye?
Dee Dee: What?
Dexter: Dizzy!

Alex: What was Christopher Columbus considered a bad guy?
Andy: Why?
Alex: Because he double-crossed the Atlantic Ocean.

:Camp Note From Son to Parents:
Dear Mom and Dad,
Gue$$ what I need? Plea$e $end $ome $oon.
Love your $on,
$ammy.

:Home Note From Parents to Son:
Dear Sammy,
NOthing new here. Please send aNOther NOte soon. Bye for NOw.
Love,
Mom and Dad.

Two muffins were baking in an oven one said "AAHH were going to be baked alive!" And the other one said "AAHH a muffin is talking!"

Teacher: If you had 50 cents and you asked your father for another 50 cents, how much money would you have?
Student: 50 cents.
Teacher: You obviously don't know how to add.
Student: You obviously don't know my father.

Mom: What was that crash?
Billy: You remember that vase you worried that I'd break?
Mom: Yes, I remember.
Billy: Well, your worries are over.

Bill: What do you get when you cross a pit bull and a collie?
Phil: What?
Bill: A dog that bites you and then runs for help.

A man driving down a deserted road sees a police man and desides to try to out run it but then he realizes that that would be a stupid idea so he pulls over. The police man gets out of the car comes up to this man and says, "OK, I'm at the end of my shift and if you can come up with a stoy I haven't heared I'll let you go."
So the man says, "About a week ago my wife ran off with a police man and I thought you were trying to give her back."
The police man then says, "OK, you can go and have a nice day."

Mike: A woman had four husbands in her lifetime. The First was a millionaire, the Second was a magician, the Third was a preacher and the Fourth was an undertaker. Why did she marry them all?
Ike: Why?
Mike: One for the money, Two for the show, Three to get ready and Four to go!

[Kay Scarpetta]

LMFAO :rotflmao: LOL OMG CAITLIN!

Some of those are hillarious!! :lol: :rotflmao:

[InspectorExstead]

lol..caitlin told the 3 guys jokes about the water and stuff...here's some blonde jokes...

so a blonde was driving to disneyland and she saw a sign that said "Disneyland Left." so...she left.

how do you get a blonde to drown?
u put a scratch-and-sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.

oh man...i forgot all of em...anyways..here's a rather corny one...


why was 6 afraid of 7?
because 7 ate 9. (get it, 7 8 9....)

:D

[Czas na Zywiec]

Originally posted by Teddys_Gurl

Doctor: I have some good news and some bad news for you.
Patient: Tell me the good news first.
Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.
Patient: But that's horrible! What could be worse than that?
Doctor: Well, I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.


Three men were on a deserted island and they found a magic lamp. The genie inside the lamp granted each man one wish. The first man wished for a helicopter and then he flew away. The second man wished for a boat and then sailed away. The third man was lonely so he wished for his friends to come back.



Those were some of my favs, even though all of them were really funny. And I thought no one replied because they thought my joke was too dirty. I'm sorry, I just really wanted to post that one. Oh well, I'll try to post some more "tame" ones. Like the next one........

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying"Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

[Babes_Cat]

Originally posted by Jean Smart Forever
LMFAO :rotflmao: LOL OMG CAITLIN!

Some of those are hillarious!! :lol: :rotflmao:

Originally posted by InspectorExstead
lol..caitlin told the 3 guys jokes about the water and stuff...

Originally posted by EricMatthews


Those were some of my favs, even though all of them were really funny.

I had em all on my homepage but than I like totally redid and took them off it but I kept them. LOL! Maybe's I'll put them back on...........






*PSSST* They're all from like my brother's Boy's Life magazine! LMAO! :lol:






:D

[XoVanillaRain90oX]

LOL! Those r funnay!

[Czas na Zywiec]

I have a couple more blonde ones. No offense to blondes out there!

Why did the mirror have 6 holes in it?
A blonde tried to shoot herself!

One day, a blonde's neighbor goes over to her house, sees the blonde crying, and asks her what happened. The blonde said that her mother had passed away. The neighbor made her some coffee and calmed her down a little and then left. The next day the neighbor went back over to the house and found the blonde crying again. She asked her why she was crying this time.
''I just got off of the phone with my sister, her mother died too!''

A blonde decides to show her husband that despite what everyone says, blondes really are smart.
While her husband is at work, she decides that she is going to paint the living room in their house. So the next day as soon as he leaves, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home after work and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a parka and a mink. He asks her what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the room.
He says that he was impressed at the good job she had done, but what's with her wearing the two coats?
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, ''FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS!''

That's all I have for now! Enjoy! :D

[Czas na Zywiec]

Another one!

Q: Why did the blonde keep taking off and putting the Pepsi bottle cap back on?
A: Because it said, ''Sorry, try again.''

[Lynn]

Originally posted by EricMatthews
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, ''FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS!''

:lol: I hadn't heard that one before.:lol: :lol:

[AllIWantIsYourClutch]

What do you get when you play a country song backwards??



You get your car back, you get your wife back, you get your house back, you get your dog back....

[ks]

You know you live in the South when something like this actually happens...

Jack: Hello

Man: Yeah, I'm not gonna be able to come into work today. I woke up and found out that my wife has left me and she took the dog and dang, I just gotta go find my dog.


(Ok, so the guy said it funnier than that...I could died laughing though)



ks

[Kay Scarpetta]

Originally posted by NancyRulz24
What do you get when you play a country song backwards??

You get your car back, you get your wife back, you get your house back, you get your dog back....

:lol:

[-*Forever*-]

:rotflmao:
I've got a few blonde ones.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were going to swim down the river. They agreed that they would swim the breaststroke. The brunette and the redhead got to the end fairly quickly and they saw the blonde was having some trouble. When she finally got out, she walked up to them, angry and said, "You cheated! You guys used your arms!!"
Get it... she didn't use her arms b/c it was the breaststroke

Q: A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are in 3rd grade, who's breasts are biggest?
A: The blonde, she's 18!
LoL sorry it's nastay, but I think that joke is HYSTERICAL

That's all for now.

[Czas na Zywiec]

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Put her in a circular room and tell her to sit in the corner.

Q: How does a blonde confuse you?
A: She said she did.

[Czas na Zywiec]

How does a crazy man make his way through the forest?












On a Psychopath!

[*Marilyn Monroe*]

Where the heck do you get all of these? They are hilarious! I was going to post some when i saw the topic, but Caitlin already posted them.