Please tell me if this is boring...

[nancysbiggestfan]

Here's a lil story I had to write for school. Tell me if it's boring. And what ya think bout it. BE HONEST!





As her alarm clock sounded Justine rose out of her bed and got ready for her 8AM class. She was a freshman at Brown. Although it was early in the year she had already made several new friends. Justine grabbed her Political Science book and binder and was ready to head out the door to class. Her phone on her small nightstand started to ring. “Who could that be? Should I answer it? It may make me late…” said Justine to herself. With a short sigh she picked up the phone. “Hello?” she said into the phone. “Hey girl! It’s Jinny.” “Oh, hey. I’m sorry but I can’t talk. Or I’ll be late for Political Science,” Justine said to Jinny. “Okay, I still don’t know your schedule. Call me later. Bye,” Jinny said. “Okay, will do. Bye Jin.”
Justine grabbed her jacket she had just laid on the bed and rushed out the door.
The Political Science teacher just walked in as she sat down. “Hey!” Jamie called from the seat next to Justine. Justine replied with a quick “Hi!” as Mr. Roberts said “Good Morning.” Mr. Roberts is a younger man, probably in his early 30’s.
“Whew, I’m glad that class is over. Aren’t you?” Justine asked Jamie as they walked out the classroom door and into the hallway. “Yeah, really,” replied Jamie. “What class do you have next Justine?” questioned Jamie. “I have a free 45 minutes. What about you?” replied Justine. “History...” answered Jamie. “Well, I guess I’ll see you later. Bye Justine,” Jamie said to Justine. “Okay, see you Jamie,” Justine said in reply to her new friend.
Justine sighed as she looked out the windows in the hallway that leads to her dorm. “Hey!” called a young man walking in the opposite direction. “Hi,” Justine replied as she kept walking. “Hmm…I wonder who that was. I don’t recall seeing him before.” Justine said to herself. She was now at her dorm room door. As she flung open the door she heard the phone ring. “Hello?” Justine said as she pushed the door closed with her foot and threw her books down on her neatly made. There was no reply. “Hello?” Justine said again with a little more question in her voice. There was still no reply. Then, she heard the phone being slammed down on the other end. Justine hung up the phone as she said, “Now that was weird.” She walked over to her small refrigerator in the kitchen-like part of her dorm room and grabbed the pitcher of freshly brewed ice tea and poured herself half of a glass of the refreshing beverage. She took a sip as she walked back to her bed and sat down. After she finished most of her tea, she fell asleep. It had been almost 10 minutes since Justine had fallen asleep when the phone rang. Justine sat up on her bed and rubbed her eyes the picked up the phone.

[nancysbiggestfan]

BTW, I have written more than that. That is just all of what I posted....

[Max Whittaker]

I think it was well written.

[Kay Scarpetta]

Good, Tiff! :cool:

[Kitt]

Your story is going along fine. You would have a better rhythm if you would simply write "said" more often and not use questioned, replied and such. Also try not to write Justine said to Jinny. As long as the reader knows who is speaking, that's what matters. And try "Justine thought" instead of "said to herself". Read it out loud and eliminate words when you can and keep going. Good job. Hope that person on the other end isn't a bad guy. LOL

[nancysbiggestfan]

Originally posted by kittflynn
Your story is going along fine. You would have a better rhythm if you would simply write "said" more often and not use questioned, replied and such. Also try not to write Justine said to Jinny. As long as the reader knows who is speaking, that's what matters. And try "Justine thought" instead of "said to herself". Read it out loud and eliminate words when you can and keep going. Good job. Hope that person on the other end isn't a bad guy. LOL

Thanx everyone!!!

Thanx kittflynn for the input. I may do a little revising. :)

[nancysbiggestfan]

HERE IS SOME MORE.... Tell me what you think of it too :) (it picks up from where the otha left off..u may wanna read the last sentence of my story in my first post...)

“Hello?” she said still a little groggy from her nap. There was no reply. Justine placed the phone back on the hook angrily and laid back down. “This is starting to get aggravating,” thought Justine still slightly scared and angry. “Two times this person has called. I wonder…” she thought aloud to herself. She closed her eyes after she had looked at the clock and saw she still had about 20 minutes before her next class. Still shaken by the previous call, not even 5 minutes later the phone rang again. “Now look! Just leave me alone! And don’t…” Justine was cut off by the person on the other end. “Hey, Justine, it’s Jin. What’s wrong?” asked Jin quite troubled.

[Chocoholic]

Wow, this is good! I'm hooked! Are you going to finish it? I have to hear the end.

[Babes_Cat]

ALL "J" NAMES HUN! Hehe I like it ... please post what else you have. The more you post the more opinions you get!

[nancysbiggestfan]

Thanx for all of the replies guys! I really appreciate it. Yes, I am gonna finish it. In fact, I'm working on it now. :) Here is some of what I have added.
Keep replying. :) (Tell me what ya think...be honest)

~*~*~*~

“Oh, Jin, it’s you.” “Why were you yelling Justine?” “I’ve just been getting these…calls” “Calls? What kind of calls?” asked Jin. “Prank calls obviously. I’ve gotten two of them in like the past hour. It just kind of got to me I guess. Then in the..” Justine stopped herself from finishing. “ ‘Then in the...’ what?” asked Jin. “It’s nothing. Really. Just this guy, I’ve never seen before, said Hi to me in the hallway today. He was probably just being friendly. It’s all a just a coincidence. Nothing to worry about…” “Probably not, Justine. Don’t worry about it.” “That is odd though, huh?” “Yeah, it is Justine.” “So, lets get off that subject. How’s your year going so far, Jin?” “Ah, pretty good. I actually get along with most of my teachers,” chuckled Jin. “What about yours, Justine?” “About the same.” “Oh! I have to go, Justine. It’s almost time for my next class.” “Yeah, same for me. Talk to ya later Jin. Bye.” “Bye, Justine.”
Justine hung up the phone and grabbed her books and binder for her next class. “It’s probably warmed up a little more now that it’s later in the day. So I won’t need my jacket,” thought Justine. She walked out the door and locked it behind her.
As Justine walked up to the door to enter the classroom she saw Jamie toward the end of the hallway talking to some guy. “That guy sort of looks like the guy who said Hi to me earlier this morning,” thought Justine. She glanced turning the doorknob and saw Jamie walking toward her; so she waited for her. As Jamie was walking toward her Justine realized the young man her friend, Jamie, had been talking to had made her more nervous than before. “This has gotten to me more than I thought,” Justine thought.

[ks]

:sleep:...Just kiddin', Tiffany. Got a good story goin' there and I look forward to readin' more.:D Wonder what all the 'J' names might be referring to...:rolleyes:






ks

[nancysbiggestfan]

Originally posted by ks
:sleep:...Just kiddin', Tiffany. Got a good story goin' there and I look forward to readin' more.:D Wonder what all the 'J' names might be referring to...:rolleyes:






ks

Thanx Shanna! LOL, yes all of the "J" names. Can anyone guess? lol. I wonder where the Justine and Jinny came from...haha..:rolleyes:

[FOLrocks1]

It's really good! I like it!

[Babes_Cat]

HAHA! Its like an FF on the CC board! MORE HUN!

[nancysbiggestfan]

Here's more...

“Hey Justine!” “Hey girl!” Justine let go of the doorknob as the young man passed by. As he passed he waved to them. Justine, still nervous, gave him no response; but Jamie smiled and waved. “Who’s that, Jamie?” “That’s just Jeff.” “Jeff?” asked Justine. “Yeah. That’s my boyfriend. Haven’t I told you about him?” “Nope. He said Hi to me this morning and then I got a couple of odd calls. I hadn’t seen him before, so all of it kind of got to me. You know, him saying Hi and not knowing me.” “I’ve told him a little about you. I pointed you out to him one day when you were walking somewhere. So that’s probably why he said Hi. Nothing to worry about, Justine.” “Yeah, I guess not. I’m glad too! We better get to class before we are late.” “Yeah, we should Justine. I think it is about to start.” Justine opened the door and followed Jamie to class and took a seat beside her.

[JDS84]

Sounds good. I like it. :)

[nancysbiggestfan]

Originally posted by JDS84
Sounds good. I like it. :)

Thanx!

MORE...

~~~~~~
“That Literature class wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be,” said Justine. “Yeah, I know.” “Well, I’m going to go to my room and grab a snack before my next class, Jamie. For some reason I’m hungry.” “Okay, Justine. I..I wanted to talk to you about something. Can I call you when I get to my room? I know it’s all of a sudden but…” Jamie broke off. “Sure, Jamie. You know any time you need to talk you can come to me. So just call me in a little bit. Bye.” “Okay. Thanks, Justine. Bye.”
“Pepsi or Tea?” Justine asked herself as she scanned her frig for something cold to drink. “I wonder what Jamie was upset about,” Justine thought. Just as she was thinking about this, the phone rang. Justine rushed to the other end of her dorm room to answer the phone. “Hello?” “Hey, Justine. It’s Jamie.” “What did you want to talk to me about, Jamie? You seemed upset.” “Yeah. I was upset. Everything started about 3 days ago. Wait,” said Jamie as she broke off. “Before I finish there is something else I feel I should tell you first. If anything ever happens to me, there is a Nike shoebox in my closet, on the left side. Take it and look at everything that is in it. Okay, Justine?” “What do you mean if something happens to you?” “Justine, just promise me you will do this. Please?” “Of course. Of course I will.” “Look, I have to go.” “Wait, don’t go, Jamie. What were you going to tell me at first?” “I can’t right now. I have to go, Justine. Bye.” “Jamie?!” Justine heard Jamie scream and then the phone being slammed down. Justine put down her phone and slammed the door behind her as she raced out of the room. She ran down the first hall, then the second, gasping for breath. Only one hall, a small set of stairs, and one more hall left until she would reach Jamie’s room.

~~~~~~

(Didnt i leave y'all at a good spot? dont worry ill add more soon...maybe lol)

[Babes_Cat]

TIFF! *whines* MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!

[Chocoholic]

Oooohhhhh, this is sooo good! More, more, more!!!

[Bootsy Whoosh]

This is a good story so far, nancysbiggestfan.

The only small critiques I would make about it are...I don't really like having all the "J" names. There are just too many and it's getting a little confusing. I had to re-read the last part you posted because I was getting Justine and Jamie confused. If this were a longer story where the characters were fleshed out more, then maybe it wouldn't be so confusing, but as it is...I dunno, maybe I'm just weird. I don't think you should change the names in this story, but it may be something you want to keep in mind for future stories...

Also, I think the characters are saying each others names too much. It's not a big problem, but real people don't talk like that. Sure, they say each others name when they want to get someone's attention, or when they are being emotional or something, but they don't say them that often in casual conversation. You may be doing that in response to kittflynn's post about not saying "Justine said" or whatever so often, but generally, if it's only 2 people talking, readers can tell who's talking by the placement of the quotation marks.

Other than those small things, it looks like it's coming along great! You have the potential to be a great writer with a little more guidance, which will come with time and age.

You better post the end now, we're all hanging here!!! :D

[Czas na Zywiec]

Hey Great Story! Congrats! :cheers: I really cant wait to see what happens next! We want more! We want more! :)

[Chocoholic]

Well, are you going to tell us the ending soon or what? I can't take the suspense any longer!:dizzy: :lookaroun :crazy: :rolleyes: :p :eek2:

[Czas na Zywiec]

I guess we will never find out what happenned. :( :crying: :( She's not allowed on these boards anymore. :(

[Chocoholic]

Why isn't she allowed on these boards anymore?

This story is great! I wish we could know what happened.

[XoVanillaRain90oX]

Originally posted by WingsFan
Why isn't she allowed on these boards anymore?

This story is great! I wish we could know what happened.

because her mom was watching things how girls meet guys over the internet and i guess she doesnt want her talkin to ppl she dont reall kno *shrugs* :(

she'll always be my sistah tho! :)