Can A Guy Be Too Nice??

[Brad Russ]

The story of my life!!! :( Can't change who I am though.

Poor Dave! He's losing out to punks, bartenders, and rock stars! Nothing against these occupations (not that being a punk is an occupation), but the more important part of this conversation is that Jill stated that Dave (who adores her) is too nice.
A little more about Dave: He is well-off, takes care of Jill as a friend, and asks her to do fun things all the time... you know... dates? Imagine!

I had a friend who is now married who suffered from the "nice guy syndrome." On one occasion, we were standing in a bar and he announced that he had to walk five blocks to the subway station to pick up his date and walk her to the bar. We were none too pleased with this: Maybe we are not old-fashioned enough, but we figured if a girl makes it out of the New York subway, she should be capable (and independent) enough to walk five blocks to a bar.

His worst showing of being too nice was when he was on a first date with a girl and he walked her into the subway station (behind the turnstile -- he paid even though he wasn't riding the train) and waited with her for the train to come. When she stepped onto the train, he then ran along as the train was leaving, waving through the window at her until he couldn't keep up.
His gentlemanly strategy did not pay off. A few weeks later, I ran into her and they were no longer seeing one another. She joked about the train run-along and proceeded to hit on me. Was he too nice, or was she just a bad seed? Maybe a little bit of both.
Is it possible for a guy to be too nice? Here are some ways that this could ring true:

#1: He's So Nice, He Can Only Be a Friend
Hey, a good friend is hard to find. What sometimes happens when we get into a relationship? It eventually runs its course and ends, which means awkwardness and/or change in both of you, since you started off as friends. Maybe you can recover and remain buddies, but is it worth the risk if you find that you're really good friends with a nice guy? Also, sometimes the nice guy just has no edge, so he's destined to be just a friend.

#2: He's So Nice, He's Not Challenging Enough
I've recently learned from your comments: Women enjoy the thrill of the chase a bit too much. People like to wonder what's going to happen, that nerve-racking first few months when the "training wheels" are still on the relationship. And, no matter how much we try to deny it, we do like that we've won someone over instead of just having them give themselves up to us. If a guy is too easy, he may be ruining his chances.

#3: He's So Nice, He'll Always Be There
I've seen some friends take their time with a nice guy. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't. Maybe a woman wants to meet some new guys and "sow her wild oats" while the nice guy fawns over her. She enjoys keeping him in her life as a friend, but somewhere in the back of her mind she knows that she can probably return to him later. Again, it's all about risk management: If you want to take the risk of him meeting someone else, then go for it.

#4: He's TOO Nice, You Can't Trust Him
Sometimes people are so nice that it seems like they might have sinister overtones. I always see it on Lifetime movies: The guy comes into the woman's life and he is just perfect. Then he slowly disintegrates into a psycho freak. Perhaps a guy can come off as so nice in the beginning that he appears to be covering up for something bad. A woman might avoid a relationship with him if something just doesn't feel right. What makes a guy too nice or "friend" material instead of dating material? Do you avoid getting into relationships with a guy who's too nice, or is he destined to be a "friend"?

[Brad Russ]

If this is true, then I'm screwed. :lol: Although I'm not as bad as the people brought up in this thread, and like to think I have a bit of an edge to me. I mean, I'd definitely never run alongside a train waving to the woman I like. :lol: I think that's a little extreme, and corny. I just hope there are still some women out there who are attracted to nice guys, because I'll never turn into an *******, even if it does increase my chances. I'd rather be a nice guy who's alone, than an ******* who gets all the women in the world!!

[Shine]

If this is true, then I'm screwed. :lol: Although I'm not as bad as the people brought up in this thread, and like to think I have a bit of an edge to me. I mean, I'd definitely never run alongside a train waving to the woman I like. :lol: I think that's a little extreme, and corny. I just hope there are still some women out there who are attracted to nice guys, because I'll never turn into an *******, even if it does increase my chances. I'd rather be a nice guy who's alone, than an ******* who gets all the women in the world!!

Me too, Brad. :)

[beautifuldreamer]

If this is true, then I'm screwed. :lol: Although I'm not as bad as the people brought up in this thread, and like to think I have a bit of an edge to me. I mean, I'd definitely never run alongside a train waving to the woman I like. :lol: I think that's a little extreme, and corny. I just hope there are still some women out there who are attracted to nice guys, because I'll never turn into an *******, even if it does increase my chances. I'd rather be a nice guy who's alone, than an ******* who gets all the women in the world!!

Brad, Mike, Kyle, you guys are crazy!:crazy: You all will find someone (not the same girl of course:lol: )! Because you are too incredible...;)

Coming from a woman, whenever a guy is too nice to me, I start to think he's after something. If he's like really kind, and does nice things for me, and asks me about my life and what I do, etc.... I just get suspicious, I start to think he wants a relationship, then I start to maybe think... ya know what, I really don't like him in that way. I think when girls turn you guys down, guys take it personally, and it isn't... sometimes there's just no attraction there for us, even if we just love you as friends. I think also guys move a little faster than us girls sometimes, and it is a turnoff, so the best you can do is give a girl space.

What always happens to me is, in order not to have a guy make moves on me, I tend to fall hard for these guys who have no interest in me and then I get burned. I don't know, all I know is that you guys won't be alone for long... you are too awesome... but hey, sometimes a girl feels the same way... I know sometimes I think, hey, I get good grades, I can carry on a really intelligent conversation, I know about world events, I am caring, fairly fun, religious, etc... and yet, when some guys see me... all they see is my body... they couldn't give a s*** about my mind. Again, I have also met some cool guys who have liked me for who I am, but I just wasn't interested in a romantic relationship w/them....

I don't know about this whole "wild oats" crap... I'm only 19 and all I got are the "settling down" oats!;)

If you guys are screwed... so am I.:lol:

[comedyfreak]

I think we can be too nice I'll probably never get married. My date cancelled on Valentine's Day supposedly sick but she still babysat, go figure. I thought who wouldn't want to be spoiled on Valentine's day. I'm 46 so I'm not going to worry about it, if it happens great and if not oh well.

[Jude The Obscure]

Don't ever apologize for being a nice guy......I know all through high school I was "nice, sweet guy with a great personality" but none of the girls took me seriously as date material. My senior prom date was from another high school--100 miles away! And in my only serious relationship, I had to find her out of state! Maybe it isn't me.......maybe it's the women here in my area who think they are above us nice guys.....their loss!

[Chocoholic]

I'm still looking for Mr. Nice Guy. Haven't found him yet :( As Helen once said on Wings, all the good men are married or gay.

[MickeyMac]

Maybe you ladies here can explain something to me.



I dated a couple of girls but we never got into a relationship because they told me I was too nice. All I did was listen when they talked(even when they talked about stuff I have zero interest in), I was respectful, courteous, I paid for all the dates, I helped them with their coats, and never tried anything like making a pass at them or made any innuendoes about sex.

In the end they told me I was too nice. At least two of those girls ended dated *********s who treated them like crap.


Why do women seen to pass over a nice guy to get to a bad boy???


I dont get it, but then maybe thats why I have been single for so long.

[Janice]

Unfortunately, I think it's true, with all people. I've been overly nice and overly generous to people my entire life, and it got me absolutely nowhere. It's sad, but true.

[TVFactFan]

Brad a woman is ok with a guy being NICE as long as he is not afraid to be a little BAD.

And by that I mean

1. Tease Her
2. Flirt with her
3.Don't be afraid to bring up sex

[*Pleasant Tomorrow*]

Yeah, I'm not going to say that's not true of a lot of women because it is. I think the fourth example makes the most sense, for me anyway. When a guy is too nice I almost get suspicious and a little creeped out. I mean, not that I'm assuming he's a mass murderer or something lol, but that I know that nobody really is that perfect and everyone has a pain in the ass side to them, so guys shouldn't try so hard to prove that they're Mr. Wonderful. They're not Mr. Wonderful, and we're not Miss Wonderful. We are who we are lol. It's almost like you're being lied to when someone's that nice. If a guy tries too hard to impress you, you sort of wonder what he's eventually going to turn out like.

That being said, if it doesn't look like it's a huge front and the guy shows that he's somewhat imperfect, then that's a good thing. We want real people, not robots. And I'm sure none of you guys are. You all seem great and very real and true to yourselves. :)

The "just a friend" example isn't true for me, though. I'd rather be friends with a guy first, to be quite honest.

[Darren J.]

You don't have to stop being nice. The world doesn't need any more a$$holes. The thing is you have to have a backbone. By that, I mean not afraid to stand up for yourself. Disagree with her, tell her when she does something you don't like, etc. No one likes an a$$hole, but no one likes a pushover either. A WOMAN will appreciate a nice guy. A GIRL will go for alpha males and most likely get burned. Notice how I emphasized "woman" and "girl" because they are completely different.

[TVFactFan]

You don't have to stop being nice. The world doesn't need any more a$$holes. The thing is you have to have a backbone. By that, I mean not afraid to stand up for yourself. Disagree with her, tell her when she does something you don't like, etc. No one likes an a$$hole, but no one likes a pushover either. A WOMAN will appreciate a nice guy. A GIRL will go for alpha males and most likely get burned. Notice how I emphasized "woman" and "girl" because they are completely different.


Yeah that's what being NICE MEANS. Being too agreeable. I was so confused for years because I had no idea why a woman didn't like nice Guys-lol I just learned why 2 years ago.

[Darren J.]

Yeah that's what being NICE MEANS. Being too agreeable. I was so confused for years because I had no idea why a woman didn't like nice Guys-lol I just learned why 2 years ago.


The thing with nice guys is many of them are the exact opposite. Not all, but many brag about how nice they are and they whine when they are not successful with the opposite sex. I consider myself nice and easy to get along with, but I'm not going to hide my true feelings in order to please others. If I don't like something(and this goes for the opposite sex as well), you will know about it. I'm too blunt and honest to hide things.

[Adamantium]

I'm way too nice, myself. And I've never had a girlfriend. Maybe there IS something to that, lol.

My story about my niceness doesn't have to do with a girl. There was a guy at work and I was telling him about the movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" which I had bought on DVD and loved. He asked if he could borrow the DVD. I, being nice, said okay. The next day I brought it in and took it to him over at the photolab. A week or so had passed and I was talking to a couple co-workers about the movie (I *really* love this movie, lol), and I mentioned how I loaned my DVD to the guy from photolab. One of them mentioned how they saw the DVD had been left back at the photo lab and was probably long gone by now. Thus, he had lost the copy, which would explain why he seemed to be avoiding me. Instead of confronting him (Where's my DVD? Huh? Huh? Where's my DVD?), I went over to him and told him if he liked the movie, he could just keep the DVD. I (lied and said) I had another copy. He seem relieved and said "thanks." That, I know is to the point of my being an idiot. It's just I figure how bad I would feel if that happened to me, so I just let him off the hook.

I think my niceness has led me to the "friends" camp many times, instead of the girl being romantically interested in me. I've always been respectful to girls, thinking that's the way to act. And they'll appreciate that. But nah!

I guess we're all just a bunch of Richie Cunninghams, lol. Of course even Richie had girlfriends and eventually got married.

[OH Nuts!]

There's nothing wrong with being nice but its not a good idea in the beginning to be TOO nice. It can open the door to others taking advantage of you or make them think (rightfully or not) that you don't have self-respect.

As for nice guys who get dumped by girls who run to sleezebags, well that only tells me there's something dysfuncational abt the girl. Painful though it may be at first, the dumped guy's better of without her. I have faith that there are smart woman out there who recognize a solid and decent guy when they see one.

[Furienna]

Wow! I really don't fall into the cathegory, who falls for sleezebag alpha males, or thinks nice guys are just good as friends, or whatever. I don't even understand what such girls are thinking.

[Darren J.]

Wow! I really don't fall into the cathegory, who falls for sleezebag alpha males, or thinks nice guys are just good as friends, or whatever. I don't even understand what such girls are thinking.


That's the thing. They're girls, not women. I stopped being friends with someone because he became a sleezebag alpha male. He degrades his girlfriend in front of his friends, cheats on her, and yet he has no problem getting girls. Are these girls not smart enough to see past his insecurities?

[Furienna]

In that case, I've always been a woman, never a girl. :rolleyes:

[MickeyMac]

There's nothing wrong with being nice but its not a good idea in the beginning to be TOO nice. It can open the door to others taking advantage of you or make them think (rightfully or not) that you don't have self-respect.

As for nice guys who get dumped by girls who run to sleezebags, well that only tells me there's something dysfuncational abt the girl. Painful though it may be at first, the dumped guy's better of without her. I have faith that there are smart woman out there who recognize a solid and decent guy when they see one.


The second part of this post I so agree with.