Frank Gannucci
02-11-2009, 06:05 PM
(Ralph Kramden comes home with a box full of chocolates and some balloons. He is looking out to see if Alice is home. She isn't. Ed follows Ralph in but Ralph doesn't notice Ed.)
Ed: "Whaddaya say Ralph?"
Ralph (scared & dumping the gifts, yells): "DAAAAAAAAAHHH!"
(Ralph sees Ed.)
Ralph (yells): "WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU, YOU IDIOT? LOOK AT WHAT YOU MADE ME DO."
Ed: "Sorry Ralph. I am guessing that those chocolates are fo Alice."
Ralph: "Yes, they are and I hope that some of the didn't get dirty because of you."
Ed: "I gave Trix a box of chocolates during my lunch hour. I took them down with me to the sewer and as luck would have it, the tide came in and washed them away."
Ralph: "You stupe! Why didn't you go back and get some more."
Ed: "They ran out."
Ralph: "Why did you get them before you resumed your work?"
Ed: "And wait until the last minute?"
Ralph: "YOU are a mental case."
Ed: "I am planning on taking Trixie out. We are going to have a fine romantic dinner."
Ralph: "Where are you going?"
Ed: "McDonalds."
(Ralph rolls his eyes.)
Ralph: "I am taking Alice to the Hong Kong Gardens. We will have a blast."
(Alice comes home.)
Alice: "Ralph, are those for me?"
Ralph: "Happy Valentine's Day Sweetheart."
(Alice's Mother comes in.)
Alice's Mom: "Hello Ralph. I see that for once you thought of your wife. I hope those candies are for her and not you."
(Ralph glowers at Alice's Mom.)
Ed: "Ralph loves chocolates."
Ralph: "For your information, these are also for Alice too."
(Alice's Dad comes in.)
Alice's Dad: "What time are we all going out?"
Ralph: "What is this?"
Alice: "Ralph, I forgot to tell you, when we are going to dinner tonight at the Hong Kong Gardens, my parents are coming. I am sorry I couldn't tell you sooner."
Ralph: "I don't mind. The more the merrier."
(Trixie comes down.)
Trixie: "Happy Valentine's Day Ed."
(Trixie gives Ralph his present.)
Ed: "Wow! A small cake that looks like a minature manhole cover. Thank you Trix. Your gift is upstairs. You will love it but I ain't going to tell you that it is a pie."
(Ralph laughs.)
Ralph: "Boy, that Ed can really keep a secret."
Trixie: "Aww thank you Ed."
(Trixie & Ed kiss.)
Ralph: "Let's all enjoy the holiday tonight."
(They all sing a song about Valentine's Day.)
(Jackie Gleason walks on stage. Audience applauds.)
Jackie: "The Miami Beach audiences are the greatest. GOOD NIGHT."
(Audience cheers.)
"Funny Money":
Ralph: "Uh, who should I call Norton?"
Ed: "Why don't you try the fire escape? Maybe someone is out there."
"Ralph Kramden Inc.":
Alice: "I burned my finger on that darn stove."
Ralph: "Gee, that's terrible. If you are not burning yourself, it's my food."
"Hot Dog Stand":
Ralph: "Why did you have to wear that tie?"
Ed: "What is wrong with it?"
Ralph: "Look at the stain on it."
Ed: "That is all right. It's pot roast."
"Hot Dog Stand":
Alice: "You call a bowling ball an absolute neccessity?"
Ralph: "I certainly do. You can't bowl without one."
"Sees All, Knows All":
Ed: "I know a man that had his palm read. The fortune teller said that he would die in six months."
Ralph: "What happened?"
Ed: "He died in four months."
"Flushing Ho":
(The Kramdens bought a duplex and has the Nortons as tenants because
the landlord didn't fix anything. Ralph is refusing to fix things in Ed's apartment.)
Ralph: "When we were tenants in the other place, the landlord wouldn't fix anything over there. Did he?"
Ed: "I know, that's why we moved in here. Remember?"
"Quiz Show":
Ed: "I was on a quiz show once. I was so nervous that I couldn't answer the first question that they gave me."
Ralph: "What was that?"
Ed: "My name."
"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":
(Ralph and Ed try to lift the dresser.)
Ralph: "I'll count to three and on three we lift and then we heave ho. One...two...three."
(Ralph lifts the dresser but he can't lift his side of the dresser.)
Ralph (yells): "ARRRRRRGGGGH!" (normal voice): "Why didn't you lift?"
Ed: "We didn't heave ho."
"Cottage For Sale Part 1":
Alice: "You got rocks in your head."
Ralph: "I got rocks in my head? I got rocks in my head? I got nothing in my head."
Ed: "Whaddaya say Ralph?"
Ralph (scared & dumping the gifts, yells): "DAAAAAAAAAHHH!"
(Ralph sees Ed.)
Ralph (yells): "WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU, YOU IDIOT? LOOK AT WHAT YOU MADE ME DO."
Ed: "Sorry Ralph. I am guessing that those chocolates are fo Alice."
Ralph: "Yes, they are and I hope that some of the didn't get dirty because of you."
Ed: "I gave Trix a box of chocolates during my lunch hour. I took them down with me to the sewer and as luck would have it, the tide came in and washed them away."
Ralph: "You stupe! Why didn't you go back and get some more."
Ed: "They ran out."
Ralph: "Why did you get them before you resumed your work?"
Ed: "And wait until the last minute?"
Ralph: "YOU are a mental case."
Ed: "I am planning on taking Trixie out. We are going to have a fine romantic dinner."
Ralph: "Where are you going?"
Ed: "McDonalds."
(Ralph rolls his eyes.)
Ralph: "I am taking Alice to the Hong Kong Gardens. We will have a blast."
(Alice comes home.)
Alice: "Ralph, are those for me?"
Ralph: "Happy Valentine's Day Sweetheart."
(Alice's Mother comes in.)
Alice's Mom: "Hello Ralph. I see that for once you thought of your wife. I hope those candies are for her and not you."
(Ralph glowers at Alice's Mom.)
Ed: "Ralph loves chocolates."
Ralph: "For your information, these are also for Alice too."
(Alice's Dad comes in.)
Alice's Dad: "What time are we all going out?"
Ralph: "What is this?"
Alice: "Ralph, I forgot to tell you, when we are going to dinner tonight at the Hong Kong Gardens, my parents are coming. I am sorry I couldn't tell you sooner."
Ralph: "I don't mind. The more the merrier."
(Trixie comes down.)
Trixie: "Happy Valentine's Day Ed."
(Trixie gives Ralph his present.)
Ed: "Wow! A small cake that looks like a minature manhole cover. Thank you Trix. Your gift is upstairs. You will love it but I ain't going to tell you that it is a pie."
(Ralph laughs.)
Ralph: "Boy, that Ed can really keep a secret."
Trixie: "Aww thank you Ed."
(Trixie & Ed kiss.)
Ralph: "Let's all enjoy the holiday tonight."
(They all sing a song about Valentine's Day.)
(Jackie Gleason walks on stage. Audience applauds.)
Jackie: "The Miami Beach audiences are the greatest. GOOD NIGHT."
(Audience cheers.)
"Funny Money":
Ralph: "Uh, who should I call Norton?"
Ed: "Why don't you try the fire escape? Maybe someone is out there."
"Ralph Kramden Inc.":
Alice: "I burned my finger on that darn stove."
Ralph: "Gee, that's terrible. If you are not burning yourself, it's my food."
"Hot Dog Stand":
Ralph: "Why did you have to wear that tie?"
Ed: "What is wrong with it?"
Ralph: "Look at the stain on it."
Ed: "That is all right. It's pot roast."
"Hot Dog Stand":
Alice: "You call a bowling ball an absolute neccessity?"
Ralph: "I certainly do. You can't bowl without one."
"Sees All, Knows All":
Ed: "I know a man that had his palm read. The fortune teller said that he would die in six months."
Ralph: "What happened?"
Ed: "He died in four months."
"Flushing Ho":
(The Kramdens bought a duplex and has the Nortons as tenants because
the landlord didn't fix anything. Ralph is refusing to fix things in Ed's apartment.)
Ralph: "When we were tenants in the other place, the landlord wouldn't fix anything over there. Did he?"
Ed: "I know, that's why we moved in here. Remember?"
"Quiz Show":
Ed: "I was on a quiz show once. I was so nervous that I couldn't answer the first question that they gave me."
Ralph: "What was that?"
Ed: "My name."
"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":
(Ralph and Ed try to lift the dresser.)
Ralph: "I'll count to three and on three we lift and then we heave ho. One...two...three."
(Ralph lifts the dresser but he can't lift his side of the dresser.)
Ralph (yells): "ARRRRRRGGGGH!" (normal voice): "Why didn't you lift?"
Ed: "We didn't heave ho."
"Cottage For Sale Part 1":
Alice: "You got rocks in your head."
Ralph: "I got rocks in my head? I got rocks in my head? I got nothing in my head."