lilhave
01-13-2009, 06:03 AM
Ten worst gifts to buy a woman
1. Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something
that is going to make "housework" easier. For instance, a blender, a
toaster, a new vacuum, one of those mops they advertise on tv that
does everything but suck the life out of you, anything in a
informercial. The only wise choice is a new washing machine with a
turbo spin cycle. (Makes laundry day go by pretty fast when you can
at least sit on it during spin-dry and end up smiling the rest of the
day.)
2. Any bulk cleaning supplies, "honey, I got you that large box of
Tide you have been wanting." "This Windex should last you a
while." "I got a good deal on the industrial strength toilet bowl
cleaner." All I can say is, be prepared to run. I have faith that if
you would have at least stopped and thought about what would be a
much more intimate gift, you would have had the sense to spring for
the $5 Chia Pet you were eyeing in Kmart.
3. Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices, or a set of
ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a weapon against you when
you come home with lipstick on your collar after a "night out with
the boys."
4. Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for
her. "Honey, I'm sure you'll get a lot of use out of the new drill I
bought you." By then she will have put it to good use by drilling a
quarter inch hole into the side of your skull for even thinking she
would accept such a lame gift. After a gift like this, you probably
won't be around for NEXT Christmas.
5. Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with
a trap door in back. A Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon character
nightgown. It gives her the idea that you do not consider her the
sexy woman that she is. Take out that wallet and buy her something
sexy from Victoria Secret (just like you did for your mistress or
other girlfriend).
6. No name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, which
actually smells like the bathroom, moldy fruit, or your dirty socks.
If you are going to buy her perfume, spring for the brand names.
7. Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping
Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off that
fabulous diamond to her friends and tries to cut glass with it. (We
actually test them you know.) Also, now would not be a good time to
buy her that set of diamond nipple clamps you always wanted to, you
know how we like to show off our jewelry and it could get
embarrassing at the New Year's party when she decides to show them
off to your buddies.
8. Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute you
have good taste in woman's clothing. Well, perhaps you might if you
are a transvestite, but all in all, believe me, she'll smile and say
its beautiful while choking back tears and mumbling under her
breath, "were the hell would I ever wear this outfit without being
arrested for bad taste?" An additional hint, plaids do not go with
stripes (even though you think your golfing outfit looks just fine).
Its a known fact to the rest of the world that that is a taboo. In
the Northeast, thats like wearing white after Labor Day.
9. Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight
Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones who have
learned the correct response to "do these pants make me look fat." If
you are one of the poor souls who still doesn't get it and purchased
a gift like this, be prepared for the silent treatment for a month.
(Although that may be something you would actually look forward to.)
A better alternative would be hiring a Chippendale dancer as a
personal trainer to get her motivated into getting fit.
10. Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or a
book on "How not to be Nasty Sunday through Saturday." These are not
considered gifts, they are considered reasons for seriously injuring
the person who bought it and just may stand up in court of law.
Harvey
1. Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something
that is going to make "housework" easier. For instance, a blender, a
toaster, a new vacuum, one of those mops they advertise on tv that
does everything but suck the life out of you, anything in a
informercial. The only wise choice is a new washing machine with a
turbo spin cycle. (Makes laundry day go by pretty fast when you can
at least sit on it during spin-dry and end up smiling the rest of the
day.)
2. Any bulk cleaning supplies, "honey, I got you that large box of
Tide you have been wanting." "This Windex should last you a
while." "I got a good deal on the industrial strength toilet bowl
cleaner." All I can say is, be prepared to run. I have faith that if
you would have at least stopped and thought about what would be a
much more intimate gift, you would have had the sense to spring for
the $5 Chia Pet you were eyeing in Kmart.
3. Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices, or a set of
ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a weapon against you when
you come home with lipstick on your collar after a "night out with
the boys."
4. Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for
her. "Honey, I'm sure you'll get a lot of use out of the new drill I
bought you." By then she will have put it to good use by drilling a
quarter inch hole into the side of your skull for even thinking she
would accept such a lame gift. After a gift like this, you probably
won't be around for NEXT Christmas.
5. Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with
a trap door in back. A Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon character
nightgown. It gives her the idea that you do not consider her the
sexy woman that she is. Take out that wallet and buy her something
sexy from Victoria Secret (just like you did for your mistress or
other girlfriend).
6. No name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, which
actually smells like the bathroom, moldy fruit, or your dirty socks.
If you are going to buy her perfume, spring for the brand names.
7. Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping
Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off that
fabulous diamond to her friends and tries to cut glass with it. (We
actually test them you know.) Also, now would not be a good time to
buy her that set of diamond nipple clamps you always wanted to, you
know how we like to show off our jewelry and it could get
embarrassing at the New Year's party when she decides to show them
off to your buddies.
8. Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute you
have good taste in woman's clothing. Well, perhaps you might if you
are a transvestite, but all in all, believe me, she'll smile and say
its beautiful while choking back tears and mumbling under her
breath, "were the hell would I ever wear this outfit without being
arrested for bad taste?" An additional hint, plaids do not go with
stripes (even though you think your golfing outfit looks just fine).
Its a known fact to the rest of the world that that is a taboo. In
the Northeast, thats like wearing white after Labor Day.
9. Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight
Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones who have
learned the correct response to "do these pants make me look fat." If
you are one of the poor souls who still doesn't get it and purchased
a gift like this, be prepared for the silent treatment for a month.
(Although that may be something you would actually look forward to.)
A better alternative would be hiring a Chippendale dancer as a
personal trainer to get her motivated into getting fit.
10. Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or a
book on "How not to be Nasty Sunday through Saturday." These are not
considered gifts, they are considered reasons for seriously injuring
the person who bought it and just may stand up in court of law.
Harvey