Frank Gannucci
12-19-2008, 11:38 AM
(The Kramdens and Nortons are taking a trip to see Norton's family in Miami Beach. Ralph is putting the bags on the street.)
Ralph (yells): "ALICE, WILL YOU COME ON?"
(Alice comes out carrying a whole lot of luggage.)
Alice: "The least you could have done Ralph was help me."
Ralph: "I am helping you. Who is it that made three trips here carrying a whole load?"
Alice: "You were carrying the load all right, but it was not with your arms."
Ralph: "Oooooh, you are a riot Alice. A regular riot."
(Ed & Trixie come down.)
Ed: "Boy Trix, I can't wait to meet my family when we arrive in Florida."
Ralph: "Just think, another vacation in that beautiful action city...MIAMI BEACH!"
(Audience cheers.)
Ralph: "Oooh, since your car is in the shop Norton. I got a beauty that I rented. Wait until you guys see it."
(Ralph goes out to get it.)
Trixie: "Oooh, I hope the car is great."
(Ralph drives a vintage-looking car that looks beat up and about 40 years old.)
Ralph: "What do you think? I got this real cheap too."
Alice: "Ralph, look at this car. I don't think it will last the whole trip."
Ralph: "Don't worry. It will. That engine is about as sound as a dollar."
Ed: "That is about all it's worth too."
Alice: "Ralph, where is my mother going to sit?"
Ralph: "Your mother?" (yells): "YOUR MOTHER?"
Alice: "I forgot to tell you. My dad is in Florida and we are picking up my mother. You will be nice to her."
Ralph: "We don't get along. We are natural enemies. Like a boa constrictor and a mongoose. All right. She can come. Let's load the car."
Ed: "This will be like the Gleason Express. I wonder if we will stop at South of The Border. I want to see that place. I always go south everyday on the job."
Ralph: "Yeah, you do Norton."
(They pack the car.)
Ralph: "All right, and AWAY WE GO!"
(They all leave. They pick up Alice's mother. They finally get on the highway. They approach the Easy Pass Lane."
Ralph: "All right Ed. Hand me the Easy Pass."
Ed: "I didn't bring it with me. I thought you did."
(Ralph pulls over the car.)
Ralph (yells): "YOU STUPE! NOW, WE HAVE TO PAY THE TOLLS OR WE HAVE TO WASTE OUR TIME DRIVING BACK."
Ed (yells): "DON'T BLAME ME! IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU FORGOT TO REMIND ME."
(Ralph gets out.)
Ralph (yells): "ALL RIGHT! PUT 'EM UP NORTON! PUT 'EM UP NORTON!"
(Alice stops them from fighting.)
(They resume their trip. They finally arrive in South Carolina when the car breaks down. Ralph & Ed end up pushing the car all the way to the mechanics.)
Alice's Mom: "You see Alice. Raloh is good for nothing. He was too cheap to rent a beautiful car. He is cheap."
(Ralph is boiling with anger. They finally get the car fixed and the next day, finally arrive in Miami Beach.)
Ralph: "MIAMI BEACH! HOME OF THE GREATEST CHRISTMASES IN THE WORLD!"
(Audience cheers.)
Ralph: "We have finally arrived. There is one place I want to visit before we leave and that is the Gleason Estate. I heard that that Jackie Gleason loves to play golf and I want to see him in action. Imagine him going down to Miami Beach just to play golf year-round."
Ed: "How about that moniker everyone calls him. 'The Fat One.'"
Ralph: "That is 'The Great One.' What a Christmas this will be."
(They all sing a song about Christmas in Miami Beach.)
(Jackie Gleason walks on stage. Audience cheers.)
Jackie: "Folks, as usual, the Miami Beach audiences are the GREATEST MERRY CHRISTMAS! GOOD NIGHT!"
(Audience cheers.)
"Oh My Aching Back":
(Ed puts a lit match near the thermometer.)
Ed: 'Hey Ralph, what is a normal temperature, around 98 isn't it?"
Ralph: "98.6."
Ed: "What would you say a bad temperature is?"
Ralph: "102. 103. What is it Norton? What is my temperature?"
(A pause.)
Ralph (yells): "WHAT IS MY TEMPERATURE NORTON?"
Ed (starting to cry, yells): "111."
"Quiz Show":
Ed: "I was on a quiz show once. I was so nervous, that I couldn't answer the first question."
Ralph: "What question was that?"
Ed: "My name."
"The New Manager":
Ralph: "I know. We will take the Nortons on our honeymoon."
Trixie: "Ralph, you don't want us on your honeymoon."
Ed: "Will you keep quiet woman?"
"Head of The House":
Ed: "In my household, I am the boss of the household."
Interviewer: "Mmm-hmm."
Ed: "I think that any man that is afraid of his wife, isn't a man."
Interviewer: "Mmm-hmmm."
Ed: "And I can't stree this too strongly that a husband is the boss."
Interviewer: "Yes?"
Ed: "Now don't quote me because if my wife reads that, she will kill me."
"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):
(Ralph wants to talk to Ed's boss in the sewer.)
Ralph: "There isn't anything in this world that is going to stop me from going down that sewer tomorrow."
Alice: "Oh no? There isn't a manhole in this city that you could fit through."
"Teamwork Beats The Clock":
(Ralph is planning on doing the most work when he and Alice go on Beat The Clock.)
Ralph: "As usual, I am carrying the whole load on my shoulders."
Alice: "You are carrying the load but it's not on your shoulders."
"Teamwork Beats The Clock":
Ed: "I watch your show. It's very educational."
Bud Collyer (as himself): "Educational?"
Ed: "Yeah, it's a wonder what you could do with whipped cream on this show."
"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":
Ralph & Ed (singing loudly): "WELL, STROLLING THROUGH THE PARK ONE
DAY IN THE MERRY, MERRY MONTH OF MAY. I WAS TAKEN BY SURPRISE BY A
PAIR OF RUGGISH EYES..."
Garrity (from upstairs, yells): "WILL YOU TWO KEEP IT QUIET DOWN THERE? I'M TRYING TO GET SOME SLEEP."
Ralph: "That's that wise guy Garrity."
(Ralph goes to the window and opens it.)
Ralph (yells): "AREN'T YOU HOME EARLY GARRITY? WHAT HAPPENED, DID THE
SALOON BURN DOWN?"
"Nephew of The Bride":
(Ralph tries to open the window to get Aunt Ethel's milk.)
Ethel: "Pull harder."
Ralph: "If I pull any harder, I will lift the building off the ground."
Ralph (yells): "ALICE, WILL YOU COME ON?"
(Alice comes out carrying a whole lot of luggage.)
Alice: "The least you could have done Ralph was help me."
Ralph: "I am helping you. Who is it that made three trips here carrying a whole load?"
Alice: "You were carrying the load all right, but it was not with your arms."
Ralph: "Oooooh, you are a riot Alice. A regular riot."
(Ed & Trixie come down.)
Ed: "Boy Trix, I can't wait to meet my family when we arrive in Florida."
Ralph: "Just think, another vacation in that beautiful action city...MIAMI BEACH!"
(Audience cheers.)
Ralph: "Oooh, since your car is in the shop Norton. I got a beauty that I rented. Wait until you guys see it."
(Ralph goes out to get it.)
Trixie: "Oooh, I hope the car is great."
(Ralph drives a vintage-looking car that looks beat up and about 40 years old.)
Ralph: "What do you think? I got this real cheap too."
Alice: "Ralph, look at this car. I don't think it will last the whole trip."
Ralph: "Don't worry. It will. That engine is about as sound as a dollar."
Ed: "That is about all it's worth too."
Alice: "Ralph, where is my mother going to sit?"
Ralph: "Your mother?" (yells): "YOUR MOTHER?"
Alice: "I forgot to tell you. My dad is in Florida and we are picking up my mother. You will be nice to her."
Ralph: "We don't get along. We are natural enemies. Like a boa constrictor and a mongoose. All right. She can come. Let's load the car."
Ed: "This will be like the Gleason Express. I wonder if we will stop at South of The Border. I want to see that place. I always go south everyday on the job."
Ralph: "Yeah, you do Norton."
(They pack the car.)
Ralph: "All right, and AWAY WE GO!"
(They all leave. They pick up Alice's mother. They finally get on the highway. They approach the Easy Pass Lane."
Ralph: "All right Ed. Hand me the Easy Pass."
Ed: "I didn't bring it with me. I thought you did."
(Ralph pulls over the car.)
Ralph (yells): "YOU STUPE! NOW, WE HAVE TO PAY THE TOLLS OR WE HAVE TO WASTE OUR TIME DRIVING BACK."
Ed (yells): "DON'T BLAME ME! IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU FORGOT TO REMIND ME."
(Ralph gets out.)
Ralph (yells): "ALL RIGHT! PUT 'EM UP NORTON! PUT 'EM UP NORTON!"
(Alice stops them from fighting.)
(They resume their trip. They finally arrive in South Carolina when the car breaks down. Ralph & Ed end up pushing the car all the way to the mechanics.)
Alice's Mom: "You see Alice. Raloh is good for nothing. He was too cheap to rent a beautiful car. He is cheap."
(Ralph is boiling with anger. They finally get the car fixed and the next day, finally arrive in Miami Beach.)
Ralph: "MIAMI BEACH! HOME OF THE GREATEST CHRISTMASES IN THE WORLD!"
(Audience cheers.)
Ralph: "We have finally arrived. There is one place I want to visit before we leave and that is the Gleason Estate. I heard that that Jackie Gleason loves to play golf and I want to see him in action. Imagine him going down to Miami Beach just to play golf year-round."
Ed: "How about that moniker everyone calls him. 'The Fat One.'"
Ralph: "That is 'The Great One.' What a Christmas this will be."
(They all sing a song about Christmas in Miami Beach.)
(Jackie Gleason walks on stage. Audience cheers.)
Jackie: "Folks, as usual, the Miami Beach audiences are the GREATEST MERRY CHRISTMAS! GOOD NIGHT!"
(Audience cheers.)
"Oh My Aching Back":
(Ed puts a lit match near the thermometer.)
Ed: 'Hey Ralph, what is a normal temperature, around 98 isn't it?"
Ralph: "98.6."
Ed: "What would you say a bad temperature is?"
Ralph: "102. 103. What is it Norton? What is my temperature?"
(A pause.)
Ralph (yells): "WHAT IS MY TEMPERATURE NORTON?"
Ed (starting to cry, yells): "111."
"Quiz Show":
Ed: "I was on a quiz show once. I was so nervous, that I couldn't answer the first question."
Ralph: "What question was that?"
Ed: "My name."
"The New Manager":
Ralph: "I know. We will take the Nortons on our honeymoon."
Trixie: "Ralph, you don't want us on your honeymoon."
Ed: "Will you keep quiet woman?"
"Head of The House":
Ed: "In my household, I am the boss of the household."
Interviewer: "Mmm-hmm."
Ed: "I think that any man that is afraid of his wife, isn't a man."
Interviewer: "Mmm-hmmm."
Ed: "And I can't stree this too strongly that a husband is the boss."
Interviewer: "Yes?"
Ed: "Now don't quote me because if my wife reads that, she will kill me."
"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):
(Ralph wants to talk to Ed's boss in the sewer.)
Ralph: "There isn't anything in this world that is going to stop me from going down that sewer tomorrow."
Alice: "Oh no? There isn't a manhole in this city that you could fit through."
"Teamwork Beats The Clock":
(Ralph is planning on doing the most work when he and Alice go on Beat The Clock.)
Ralph: "As usual, I am carrying the whole load on my shoulders."
Alice: "You are carrying the load but it's not on your shoulders."
"Teamwork Beats The Clock":
Ed: "I watch your show. It's very educational."
Bud Collyer (as himself): "Educational?"
Ed: "Yeah, it's a wonder what you could do with whipped cream on this show."
"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":
Ralph & Ed (singing loudly): "WELL, STROLLING THROUGH THE PARK ONE
DAY IN THE MERRY, MERRY MONTH OF MAY. I WAS TAKEN BY SURPRISE BY A
PAIR OF RUGGISH EYES..."
Garrity (from upstairs, yells): "WILL YOU TWO KEEP IT QUIET DOWN THERE? I'M TRYING TO GET SOME SLEEP."
Ralph: "That's that wise guy Garrity."
(Ralph goes to the window and opens it.)
Ralph (yells): "AREN'T YOU HOME EARLY GARRITY? WHAT HAPPENED, DID THE
SALOON BURN DOWN?"
"Nephew of The Bride":
(Ralph tries to open the window to get Aunt Ethel's milk.)
Ethel: "Pull harder."
Ralph: "If I pull any harder, I will lift the building off the ground."