Frank Gannucci
10-31-2008, 07:51 AM
"Jack & Julie" (in England and possibly the entire U.K., this special is called "Jack & Julie Together" since Julie Andrews [who is from England] is more famous than Jackie Gleason in the U.K.):
This hasn't been seen on TV nor released since it's original airdate in 1974.
This is the only footage of this sketch that is available. Here’s the YouTube link: http://youtube.com/watch?v=k4144l-PxdQ
Ralph comes home. He sees a letter that Alice wrote. It says that since Ralph forgot their anniversary and in turn forgot to give her a card she “forgot” to make dinner. Ralph is upset. He tries to make his own dinner. After that, Ralph sits down at the kitchen table. Ed Norton (played by Julie Andrews) comes in. Yes, a woman plays Ed Norton in this sketch. Ed asks what Ralph is eating. Ed grabs whatever Ralph is eating much to Ralph’s chagrin. Alice is out with her mother. Alice is mad at her for not sending her a birthday card. Ed says: “Why don’t you tell her that you sent her a card but it got lost in the mail?” Ralph: “That’s dishonest. Besides, I already told her that last year.” Ed then suggests writing a nice, intimate poem. Ralph agrees. Ralph has Ed write the poem for him. Ralph: “’My dearest, darling, loving, sweetheart Alice. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I am sorry I forgot your birthday, but I will make it up…” Ed suggests him ending that sentence with: “…but I will make it up. I will forget next year’s too.” Ralph is upset and tries to kick Ed out.
Ed asks why he is being kicked out. Ralph: “Because you are a nut.” Ed: “Why do you pick on me?” Ralph: “Because you are a BUM!” Ralph says that it was a sorry day when he ran into Ed. Wow! That isn’t nice. Ralph: “Here I am in desperate trouble. My marriage is hanging by a thread. The whole world is crumbling down around me. Who let’s me down? My best friend.” Ed agrees. He says that he doesn’t deserve a friend like him. Ed: “I am always taking and never giving. I will get out of your life. I will move away.” Ed is crying. Ed: “There are many other towns with sewers.” Ralph is feeling guilty. He says that he (Ralph) is everything he says that Ed was. He goes through the same “I am sorry” routine that he usually gives Alice. Ed stands up and says that Ralph is the nicest guy in the whole world. Ed forgives Ralph’s apology. Ralph: “Baby, you’re the greatest.” He kisses Ed which causes the audience to laugh. Well, Ralph kissing Ed is understandable considering that Ed was played by Julie Andrews. Ed (after the kiss): “Va-va-va-voom!” They both go out to get something to eat as the sketch ends.
Episode #205
TV: This episode has not been shown since its original airdate.
These as well as some of the other 70s specials, were listed under the title: "Jackie Gleason Presents The Honeymooners." Jackie, Art, Audrey & Jean reprise their roles.
In the Honeymooners Lost Episode Book that was published in `86, there is a chapter that says: "Still Lost." In this chapter, Jackie says: "I wanted to be sure they (the Classic 39) had run their course before I brought out the new ones. I'll let these run for about thirty years, and then we've got a few left." It also says "These episodes aren't available today unless people taped them in the 70s. (Anyone reading this in the year 2000 should note that in the 70s, relatively few people owned VCRs). I would imagine that several years from now, relatively few people will own stand-alone VCRs. Unlike all the other episodes, these ones were shown on ABC.
The few seconds of the opening video are the same as the Color Honeymooners, even the same Color Honeymooners music is playing and
Johnny says: "Coming to you from Gusmand Hall in Miami, Jackie Gleason Presents The Honeymooners. Starring Jackie Gleason, Art Carney, Audrey Meadows & Jean Kean and away we go!
Alice and Trixie are in the Kramden apartment. The Kramden's 25th Anniversary is coming up. This, despite the fact that in the show's SECOND season, Ralph says that they have been married like 13 years. Alice says that she still doesn't have any gray hairs. Alice has been keeping an eye on Mrs. Manicotti's kids. When she was down there, she had to take little Tommy (her son) and his sick rabbit to the vet on Halsey Street. Much too little Tommy's chagrin, they had to leave the sick rabbit there but on the way home, he found a stray cat, so he now has a new pet. Alice is knitting a cover for Ralph's bowling ball. Alice's mom has been having ulcers, so Trixie was watching the Mike Douglas Show, and they had a woman on there discussing ulcers and what people shouldn't eat when they have ulcers, so Trixie copied them down on a piece of paper. Ralph Kramden comes home and he immediately combs his moustache. Ralph kisses Alice hello. Ralph (to Trixie): "How is our favorite neighbor?" Trixie: "What was that beer you had? Norton can use some." The Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler of the Raccoons called Ralph at the bus depot today. He said they have some kind of honor that they bestow on their members that have been married for 25 years. I thought that the Raccoons weren't in favor of happy marriages. I guess that they must have changed. Alice: "What is it?" Ralph: "He didn't know. This is the first time that it has happened." Wow! Ralph says that the G.H.E.M.R. will look up the honor and he wants to marry Ralph & Alice again. Trixie will be her maid of honor. Ed will be Ralph's best man. The girls go upstairs so that Alice can see the dress that Trixie will wear. Ed comes down. Ed sees Ralph combing his moustache. Ralph: "Just because I have been married for 25 years, doesn't mean that I can't be sexy." Ha! ha! Ralph: "A moustache makes a man distinguished. It gives you a certain air. You should grow one." Ed: "Not me. When you work in the sewer, you already got an air about you." This moment was shown on the Honeymooners 50th Anniversary Special in 2002. Ralph breaks his news to Ed about him marrying Alice again at the Raccoon Lodge and he wants Ed to be the best man. Ed accepts. Ed hasn't given any thought as far as what to give Ralph for his 25th Anniversary. Ralph (yells): "WELL, GIVE IT SOME THOUGHT." Ed has little money left, so he asks Ralph if he wants a picture of the Lone Ranger's Horse. Ralph says no. Ralph says he wants silver cufflinks. He has Garrity getting him a silver stick pen. Doesn't Garrity hate Ralph and vice-versa? Ralph looks for a pencil and notices the stuff that Alice was knitting. Ralph thinks that somebody must be having a baby. When he sees the holes for the bowling ball, he concludes that the top holes must be for the arms and the middle one is for the head. Gee, is Ralph stupid. Ralph finds the list Trix made for Alice in the knitted clothing. He reads it. Ralph: "Diet for Mother: No smoking…"Ed says that Alice must be pregnant. Ralph says that that isn't possible because Ralph is too old. Ralph says that it still is possible. Tommy Manicotti comes by. He sure hasn't aged because the last time he was shown was twenty plus years prior in "Trapped." Tommy said that Alice has to know that the rabbit died. Tommy leaves. Ralph thinks that Alice is pregnant. Ralph: "I'm going to be a father." Ed: "You are going to adopt the rabbit's kids?" Ralph says that doctor's test to see if a woman is pregnant by doing something with a rabbit in which that if it dies, it is pregnant. Ralph says he heard that information somewhere. Ralph doesn't want to tell Alice yet. Ed: "Now that we know that Alice is pregnant, the next question is obvious. Who do you expect is the dad?" Ralph is not amused. Ed says that since Ralph is out playing pool, bowling and going to the lodge, there isn't any room for hanky-panky. Ralph remembers the night when the poolroom burned down early in the evening, he went home early and that could have been the night that started the whole thing. Ralph wants Ed to be the godfather of Ralph's kid, but Ed declines. He says that he is too old. Ralph tells him of the good things that the godfather does for a kid. Ed finally accepts.
Announcer: "The Honeymooners: The Second Honeymoon is brought to you by the men & women of The International Ladies Garment Union." A commercial about the company follows.
Ralph comes home. Ralph gave Alice a telephone for an anniversary gift. Ralph says that she might need the phone in case of an emergency like calling a doctor in the middle night etc. Alice says that the only way to get a doctor in the middle of the night is to watch Late Night on NBC. Alice asks for a TV set and Ralph obliges. Ralph: "Do you want black & white or color?" Alice: "You better start me off with black & white. I am not ready for color." Alice has a surprise for Ralph, but he will have to wait until their anniversary day. Ralph: "I am waiting with baited breath." Alice cooks Ralph his dinner. Ralph says he is admiring Alice's "fantastic" shape. The G.H.E.M.R. calls. He has a gift for Alice & Ralph: A two week honeymoon for them at the Raccoon National Cemetery. Gee, what a vacation. It's on a European plan, so that means no meals. Alice: "I didn't expect a cemetery to have room service." They are going to stay at the Raccoon Old Folks Home which is right near a pond. Alice asks Ralph if they will accept a party for three. Ralph says yes and he will pick up the bill for the third party. Alice: "Any minute now, the third party will come." Ralph (yells): "ANY MINUTE NOW?" Alice: "My mother is coming." D'oh! Ralph isn't going to like that. Ralph: "Don't say a thing like our honeymoon now because right now, I can't afford to bring her." Alice's mom comes in. She looks completely different than when she appeared in the Color Honeymooners as well as the Lost Episodes and the Classic 39. Alice's mom: "I thought he lost weight. He still looks FAT to me." Alice: "You apologize to Ralph." Ralph: "No, that won't be needed. I am delighted to be in front of a celebrity. The star of Jaws." Ha ha ha. A battle between Ralph and Mrs. Gibson erupts. After that, Alice's mother has to go. She says that Alice's sister's husband drives her home. Alice's Mom: "She drives a foreign car." Ralph: "I drive a foreign bus. None of my passengers speak English." The girls leave. Ed comes down with a box. It has a lot of baby-related things in it. After the Kramden's got married, they stayed with Alice's mother. Ralph: "Those were the worst eight years in my life." In "Here Comes The Bride", Ralph says that it was three years and in "A Promotion", I think Alice said that it was two years. Ed brings out the baby powder, diapers, safety pins and a doll in his box that he calls: "Father's Expectancy Kit." Ed shows Ralph how to change a diaper. He puts powder on the baby. He uses so much powder that if he was doing this on a real baby, I can imagine that the baby would either sneeze and/or cough. As Ed is trying to straighten the doll's legs, he accidentally knocks one of them off. He puts it back on. He puts the diaper on and asks Ralph to hold the doll for him so he can put the safety pin on. Cue Ed accidentally stabbing Ralph with the pin now. Ralph is yelling so much that you would think he accidentally smashed his hand. Ed asks Ralph to give him a picture of water. Ralph obliges. He asks Ralph to pour the water into the diaper that Ed is holding up. Ed swings the diaper and all the water comes out and splashes against Ralph. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ed: "The joke is on me Ralph. I used the wrong diaper." Ralph kicks Ed out. The picture of the moment that he kicks Ed out is shown in The Honeymooners Companion Book.
In the commercial break, it should be noted that this was recorded from WABC in New York.
Alice comes into the kitchen. She is making the punch for the wedding reception tomorrow. Trixie comes in. She tries the punch. Despite the fact that it sounds like she hates it, she says she likes it. She is going to put vodka in the punch. Alice says that she has to make the punch because the Grand High Exalted Mystic Weirdo said so. Ralph comes home and eyes the punch. Ralph gives Alice the money so she can go to the beauty parlor and get some other things. The girls leave. Ed (from outside, yells): "YOUUUUUUUUUUUU!" A piano falling down the stairs is heard. Ed (from outside, yells): "HEY RALPH! OPEN UP!" Ed comes in with a piano. Ed wanted to bring it downstairs so he can play a song for Ralph. Ralph: "You shouldn't have carried it downstairs. You can hurt yourself." Ed: "What do you think I am, dumb? I rolled this thing down the stairs." Ed has a song that he has written for Ralph's wedding as well as his being a daddy. Ralph is disappointed that he is getting married tomorrow. He wanted to have a bachelor party. Isn't Ralph still married? Ed: "I was going to wait a few days and throw you a baby shower." Ralph says that they can have their own private bachelor party. The party is on right now. Ed gets some hors d' oeuvres. They have some punch. Ralph: "This stuff is strong. Alice put four quarts of vodka in this." Ralph doesn't know that Alice didn't put the vodka in it and right now it's just grape juice. They start getting drunk on…grape juice? Just like in "Head of The House" except I wonder if this time Jackie & Art did their lines word-by-word instead of totally going off the script which caused EVERYONE to laugh like they did in "Head of The House." Question: How can anybody get DRUNK on GRAPE JUICE? Ed: "Here's to Ralph! A gentleman and a Raccoon. Here's to Ralph who used to be built like a balloon." Ralph laughs. Eventually, they start dancing. Ralph starts singing: "Maybe I Am Right. Maybe I Am Wrong." Ralph says that that was Alice and his' song. In "Honeymooners Valentine Special", it was: "Yes, We Have No Bananas." Ed starts to throw things and Ralph has to catch them in a bag. They continue to get drunk on grape juice. Ed then falls asleep. Ralph takes a picture of Alice and says: "What a lucky guy I am." The audience claps as he falls asleep.
A commercial for the International Ladies Garment Union is shown on my copy of this episode. A commercial for the "upcoming" Olympics are shown. Johnny Olsen then says: "The Honeymooners will resume in a moment." After that, more commercials are shown like ABC plugging an episode of one of their shows. After that, the Honeymooners return.
At the Raccoon Lodge, everyone is ready for the wedding. The G.H.E.M.R. is in charge of the wedding. Music for the wedding will be provided by Ed Norton. Ed comes in with a different uniform than his fellow Raccoons. Everyone gets ready. A lot of the Raccoons have ridiculously long tails on their Raccoon caps. They raise their tails. Ed warms up prior to playing The Wedding March much to the chagrin of Ralph. Also, much to his chagrin, Ed warms up by playing "Swannee River." As the Kramden's & Trixie make their entrance, Ralph accidentally bumps into Ed. Ed and the two women follow the Kramden's to the "altar." The G.H.E.M.R. then tries to marry the Kramden's. I never knew that he was allowed to marry people. G.H.E.M.R.: "If there is any person who thinks that these two shouldn't be married, let them speak now or forever hold their peace." Alice's mom gets up but when Ralph sees her, she sits back down without saying a word. They say their "I dos." Ed gets the ring to put on Alice's finger, but he is having trouble finding it. What a best man. He finds it. Ralph puts the ring on Alice's finger and says what the G.H.E.M.R. says to him. They kiss and hug. Everyone is happy. Ralph says that everyone is going to be happy when they hear this surprise announcement that Alice is going to make. Alice: "What surprise?" Ralph: "I saw the baby clothing." Alice: "Those things were covers for your bowling ball." Ralph: "What is the use of kidding? I saw the Mother's Diet List." Alice: "That is the diet for my mother's ulcer problem." Alice's Mom: "Guess who gave it to me." Ralph (angrily): "What about the dead rabbit." Alice: "You weren't supposed to know about that. The dead rabbit was Tommy Manicotti's fault." Ralph is upset that he is not hearing the news that he thought he was going to hear. Alice explains that she got the rabbit for Tommy's birthday. The rabbit got sick, so she and Tommy went to the vet and that is where it died. Ed: "Ralph thought that you were pregnant." Alice says no. Everyone is laughing. Someone comes out with the news that the G.H.E.M.R. fell in the punch. Everyone leaves to help him except Ralph. Ralph starts to play: "Here Comes The Bride" on the piano, but stops.
Time for the commercial break. Several products are shown.
After the wedding party, Ralph & Ed return to the Kramden apartment. Ralph says that the band at the wedding was great but he is upset that he made a fool of himself at the wedding by getting upset by finding out that he won't be a daddy. Ed: "You are in the prime of life." Yeah, he is despite the fact that he has a lot of gray hairs. Ed says that Ralph's moustache makes him look good. Ed has to go. He has to be in the sewer at 6am tomorrow. He leaves. Alice comes home. Ralph reminisces about the party they were just at. Alice: "Thank you Ralph for a perfect evening." Organ music plays. Ralph says that he is sorry that he made a fool of himself at the wedding. Ralph: "I wanted a kid. The only reason why is because I know it would be exactly like you Alice." Alice: "There is no reason why we have to stop trying." Audience laughs. Ralph (yells): "LET'S GO!" As he says this, Alice's mom comes out with a bathrobe on. Ralph takes off his tux jacket and sees Alice's mom. Alice's mom: "Will you two please be quiet? I am trying to get my beauty rest." She goes back to sleep. Ralph is angry. Alice apologizes for not telling Ralph that mom is staying with them for the night. Alice is almost ready to cry as she is trying to get Ralph to forgive her. Alice: "Please say something." Ralph: "Frankly, sweetheart I don't give a (darn!)." I put darn in there because Jackie actually uttered the four letter profane word that starts with d and ends with n. I am not going to write it for fear that there's a slight chance that kids may access this message. Considering that this episode was shown in the 70s, I am surprised that that word was said considering that this is a Honeymooners "episode" (even if it is a minor profane word.) They hug and kiss.
Time for the commercial break, but all the commercials are edited out and then the announcer says: "The Second Honeymoon brought to you by the men & women of The International Ladies Garment Union." During the credit roll, Johnny Olsen says that the part of Alice's Mom was played by Tempelton (sp?) Fox." The ABC announcer plugs an episode of that show that starred Henry Winkler (I think you know what show I am referring to) as well as Henry making a guest appearance on Laverne & Shirley. I think he made that guest appearance because his show & Laverne & Shirley were going to team up to do a two-part episode. One episode was going to be from Henry's show and the other from L&S. The announcer also says that ABC is going to do a special on the "upcoming" Olympic Games. All of this is going to be "on" tomorrow night. As the credit's roll, they (the credits) actually zoom out. There was no curtain call at the end of this that I know of.
Episode #206
TV: This episode has not been scene since its original airdate.
This episode starts with Ralph Kramden entering the Gotham Bus Company locker room. I guess that the company changed its name back to the Gotham Bus Company since it was called the Madison Avenue Bus Company in "To Whomever It May Concern." The locker room sure looks different than it was during the Lost & Classic 39 episodes. The locker room is decorated with Christmas decorations. A big crash is heard from outside. All the drivers that were in the locker room go out to see what the big crash was. Ralph comes in. Ralph says hello to Pop Parker, the custodian. Rod asks what that big crash that he just heard was. Ralph says that when he was parking, he backed into a sign that said: "Our bus drivers are the most careful bus drivers in the world." Ralph doesn't care. He will be spending seven days in Miami, Florida. He is staying at his brother-in-law's condo. Rod says that he is retiring in three months and he will be moving down to Miami. He leaves. Ralph opens his locker, combs his moustache and utters that controversial line: "Frankly sweetheart, I don't give a (darn)." He didn't say darn, but I think you know what he said. Ed comes down. Ralph: "When you see the mistletoe around here, don't give me a kiss. Anita Brant may be in the area." Ed is giving Trixie a silver-plated cocktail shaker for Christmas. He got that prize for winning the highest score playing pinball. Ed: "When you shake it, it plays `Cocktails For Two.'" Ed shakes it, but all that is heard is a gunshot and a whistle. Ed: "It's the Spike Jones version." Ed gives Ralph a present too. It's one ear plug that he can take while swimming. According to Ed, Ralph won't need the other plug since only one ear will be underwater. Mr. Marshall (played by Gale Gordon who gets a round of applause from the audience) comes in. Ralph introduces Ed to Mr. Marshall. Mr. Marshall is looking for someone with theatrical experience to direct "A Christmas Carol." Mr. Marshall's wife is putting on a play for charity. The charity: To feed all the stray cats in the city. Mr. Marshall: "She has a motto for it. `Make a kitty cat Merry at Christmas.'" Ralph: "Your wife must be a splendid woman." Mr. Marshall: "Oooh, she is indeeeed." Ed: "Out of all the times that I went to Macy's at Christmas time, not once did I see a cat sitting on Santa's knee." Mr. Marshall: "Does he (Ed) work for us?" Ralph: "No." Mr. Marshall: "Good. I once had a secretary like him. Her name was Lucy. A real screwball." That was an inside joke because Gale and Lucille Ball were co-stars on a TV show in which Lucy played Gale's secretary. (I think you might know what show I am referring to.) According to Mr. Marshall, Jim Guild did the play last year, but he is unavailable because he married Mr. Marshall's daughter and they are on vacation in France. Mr. Marshall then asks Ralph to think of a person who could direct the play. He leaves to talk to Pop Parker. Ralph thinks that the guy who directs that play will be a lucky man. Ralph: "Take Jim Guild. He was a bus driver. Than after he directed the play, he became a traffic manager and then voile (meaning voila) he gets married to Mr. Marshall's daughter." Ralph volunteers to direct the play. Ed: "I have theatrical experience. I was in the Navy with Jerry Vale." What about the time (or times) that he appeared with Ralph for the Halsey Theater Amateur Contest (that was won by Alice & Trixie)? Ralph asks Ed to tell Mr. Marshall that Ralph will direct the play because he is too modest. Ralph, too modest? Mr. Marshall comes in and gets the news that Ralph will direct the play. Ralph says that he was in a play once. Ed says that he has theatrical experience, he played UNDER Broadway. Ralph: "Ed played in the UNDERGROUND Theater. If I am not qualified, may this building fall down on me." Ralph looks up to see if the building will fall down on him. Mr. Marshall's favorite play is "A Christmas Carol" because he finds Scrooge such a lovable character. Mr. Marshall says that the play will go on Dec. 24 and wishes Ralph good luck. He leaves. A play on Christmas Eve? Ed hides his present to Trixie in Ralph's locker. Ed finds out that Ralph has the dates December 21-28 are circled on Ralph's calendar. Ralph: "That is when I & Alice are going to Miami…Norton; I can't take her on that vacation." Ralph says that he also can't tell Mr. Marshall that he can't do the play. Ralph is now in a quandary. Mr. Marshall comes back in with the news that his wife is so happy that Ralph will direct the play. Ralph said that he might not be able to do the play. Mr. Marshall: "Did you lie to me? I don't like liars. I don't like them at all." After finding out that Mr. Marshall fired Pop Parker, Ralph decides to take on the responsibility of director, but he will need help. Ralph: "Ed can't help me. He doesn't know anything about theater." Ed: "I can help you." Mr. Marshall: "Good. You will be the director." He leaves. Ralph blames Ed for the spot that he is in. Ed tells Ralph to look on the bright side and tell Alice the good news if he directs the play. One of the pieces of good news is that he (Ralph) could marry the boss' daughter. Ed leaves.
At 3am. Ralph is arguing with Alice in the bedroom. Alice is steamed that she is not going to Miami and has been steamed ever since Ralph came home with the news. Ralph comes out in LOUD pajamas. The pajamas have different colored stripes on them. Alice follows. Ralph is going to sleep in the kitchen because he can't sleep with Alice hollering at him. Alice: "I will stop hollering when you tell your boss that you can't direct that play because you are taking your wife to Florida." Ralph: "I can't do that. It's for charity." Alice: "Some charity: `Make a kitty cat Merry at Christmas.' I will take a cat to Miami with me and when he gets back, he will be the only cat with a sun tan." Ralph gets out the cot as Alice says that Ralph is allergic to cats. Ralph: "I can't tell the boss that I can't direct the play because I promised him." Alice: "Who is number 1 in your life, your boss or me?" Ralph: "At 3am, that is an unfair question." Alice (yells): "ANSWER ME!" A voice is heard saying (yells): "ANSWER HER KRAMDEN SO WE CAN GET OUR SLEEP." Ralph identifies the person as McGarrity even though his voice sounds different. I guess that the guy changed his last name from McGarrity to Garrity to McGarrity again. Ralph (yells): "WHY AREN'T YOU OUT CELEBRATING MCGARRITY? DON'T YOU KNOW THAT IT IS NATIONAL MUSKATELL WEEK?" Ralph & Alice continue arguing. Ralph goes to open the cot. He can't open it. He tries to open it; a sound effect that doesn't look like it would come from a cot is heard and hurts his finger. Almost like the times that he tried to open the cot in "Alice's Aunt Ethel", "Goodbye Aunt Ethel" & "Battle of The Sexes." Alice asks Ralph if he hurt himself. She thought that he did when he heard him screaming. Ralph: "If I can open that cot, I will go to sleep." Alice opens it for him with no problem. Ralph: "Let me sleep." Alice: "Not until you promise to take me to Miami Ralph." Ralph: "After I get that promotion, we will visit France and Greece, we will dance on the tables in Spain, we will wade in the Roman fountains and on our way home in our rented yacht, we will hop scotch to the Caribbean." Alice: "I don't need to visit Greece to see the ruins. I live in one in Brooklyn. I already dance on the tables every time a cockroach comes across this floor. I don't need to wade in the Roman fountains. I can do that every time the plumbing is backed up in the bathroom. Ralph says that after all the places that they will visit; they will visit the number 1 tourist attraction in America which is Billy Kotter's Gas Station. Alice: "I don't have to go there either. I have a full tank right here." She pokes at Ralph's stomach. Ralph tries to go to sleep on the cot but he makes the cot lopsided and falls down. Ralph orders Alice to set the alarm. She does do all right. She sets it so it will ring right about now. Alice: "Okay. Round 2. When are you going to take me to Miami?" Ed comes down. He heard the arguing. He has cameras with him because he figures that the police will come down here and he would send the pictures to the Daily News. Ed vows to settle their argument by going to the window, opening up and yelling for all those in favor of Alice to say "I" and for all those in favor of Ralph to say "I." A lot of people say "I" for Alice while only a “cat” meows after Ed yells: "ALL THOSE IN FAVOR OF RALPH, SAY: `I!'" Ralph tries to kick Ed out, but Ed doesn't leave. After Ed asks Alice to hear her side, he sits down on Ralph's cot which causes it to be lopsided and causes Ralph to fall down. Alice: "I want to go to Miami so I can see my sister in her condo." Ed: "Do you know that they are turning this building into a condo? I saw a sign." Alice: "Ed, they are just repainting a sign that has been there for 10 years and it doesn't say `condo.' It says: `Condemned." Alice doesn't want to fight anymore. She is just disappointed. She thought that after 25 years, a bond of trust and understanding had been made. She would like to have thought that after Ralph's boss asked him to be the director, Ralph would say that he would think about it and ask her first. She would have never stood in his way. But when he came in that door tonight with the news, she knew that for the first time, her marriage lacked the substance to hold it together. Alice looks like she is almost ready to cry. Alice: "The sensitivity, trust and love. It is very sad to discover that after 25 years." Ralph promises that after he directs that play, he would take Alice on the best vacation that she has ever had. He puts it down in writing with Ed writing it. Ralph signs it. Ed says that he will have it notarized since he's a Notary Republic. Ed asks for $2 because that is the fee that he charges. Ralph says no and he and Alice go to the bedroom. Ed grabs a chicken leg and attempts to sit on the cot, but his sitting down on it makes it lopsided and he falls down. Ralph comes out. Ed: "My pound of flesh (referring perhaps to the chicken leg.)"
The next day, Alice is ironing part of her costume for the play. Trixie comes down. Alice said that Ralph bribed her to be in the play and she accepted. Ed Norton is the assistant director. Ralph was not satisfied with Charles Dickens' original version of the play, so he re-wrote it. Oh boy! Alice: "This may be a bigger blow with our relations to England than the Revolutionary War." Ed comes out wearing pants, for whatever reason; look to be very thick in the quad area but not anywhere else. Ralph comes out with a VERY LOUD outfit and with an assgot on which looks like a VERY BIG tie. In the play, Ralph plays Daddy Cratchett, Alice plays Mother Cratchett, Trixie plays the Cratchett's 13-year-old daughter and Ed plays Tiny Tim. Ed starts singing: "Tip Toe Through The Tulips." Ralph: "Not THAT Tiny Tim." Ed also plays the villain, Scrooge. Ed remembers that Tiny Tim walked with a limp. He asks Ralph what kind of limping he wants. According to wkipedia.org, Art Carney suffered a gun shot in I think World War II which caused him to walk with a slight limp for the rest of his life. For the longest time, I never noticed it. Ralph asks for a little bit of that Pappy McKoy limp with a little dash of a Frankenstein limp. Ralph sets the scene. The Cratchett's are very poor and so is their house, almost like the Kramden house. A man comes in with posters advertising the play. Man: "I don't need a tip. Just looking at you and Ed is good enough. Ha ha." He leaves. Alice (reading the poster): "'Ralph Kramden presents A Christmas Carol starring, directed and produced by Ralph Kramden.'" Ralph: "Mooreritee (sp?) (sp?) The Undertaker paid for the posters and during the play, I am going to give him a plug and I am going to do this with all the stores that helped me out. Mooreritee (sp?) the Undertaker has got a new place called the New-Frills Funeral." Alice looks at the script and notices that one of the plugs is Manicotti (as in Mrs. Manicotti). Ralph: "Mrs. Manicotti helped me out and I promised I would do a plug one of the restaurants that her son manages." Alice & Trixie read the plug which constitutes them singing: "Hold the pickles/hold the lettuce/special orders, don't upset us/just as we let it have it your way." An old Burger King jingle. Two men come in with a big tub of corn flakes. Ralph says that they will be spray painted to look like snowflakes. "Just like in the movies" according to Ralph. Ralph: "Then we get a great big net. Don't you say it Alice. We put the corn flakes in the net, hang the net over the stage and when the snow scene comes, we tug on a rope and the snow flakes gently fall down from heaven." Gee, Ralph believes that the "snowflakes" will fall down just like in the movies with his way of releasing them? How stupid is Ralph? Ralph claims that he is a genius. Ralph assigns Alice & Trixie to spray the flakes. Alice says no and they won't be in his stupid play. They quit. Mr. Marshall comes in. Mr. Marshall: "Who are these charming ladies?" Ralph introduces them. Mr. Marshall hopes that they will be in the play because he thinks that such beauty deserves to be on stage. Mr. Marshall says that Ralph's efforts to be rewarded and says that he will give the wives each a present. He leaves. The girls now want to be in. Ralph & Ed will go upstairs to work on the script. They leave. The girls get the spray cans ready. Alice wants to pull a practical joke on Ralph. So she calls Ralph to come on down. Both girls get on opposite sides of the door and when the door opens, they spray…Mr. Marshall who came in with presents for the girls. He is not pleased and neither are the girls.
It's play night. Mr. Marshall tells the audience what they are about to see. The curtain rises. Carolers sing: "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen." As they are singing, the town crier (played by Johnny Olsen) says: "Six o' clock and all is well." This message is brought to you by Mooreritee (sp?) the Undertaker. Mooreritee (sp?) says take advantage of my year-end clearance. Go now and save. GO ON DOWN." Johnny says "ON DOWN" the same way as he did when he was an announcer on a certain CBS game show that is still shown even after 35 years at 11am Eastern (I think you know what game show I am referring to). At the Cratchett household, Mother Cratchett (Alice with a brunette wig) comes out to sweep the front steps. It is supposed to be cold out and she is not even wearing a coat. The daughter comes out, also with no coat. The daughter is complaining about them being poor and what will happen if they can't pay the rent (that being Scrooge will evict them). Daddy Cratchett and Tiny Tim come by. Tiny Tim "limps" but you can tell that the limp is not real. Daddy Cratchett said that his solution to their money problems didn't work. Ralph: "Our lousy horse ran 3rd AT COLDER (sp?) RACE TRACK. OPEN EVERY DAY." Ralph says that he and Tiny Tim haven't eaten in two days. Ralph (yells): "SO WE STOPPED AT FATCHUMATA MOTZERONNI'S PIZZERIA." Mother said that they didn't have any money. Daddy said that they went to a gentleman and asked for a bite because they didn't have one in two days, so the man bit them. Daddy: "It smells like snow." Tim: "It smells more like corn flakes to me." A picture from this scene is in "The Honeymooners Lost Episodes Book. They all go inside to start a fire. The daughter opens the window and sees Mr. Scrooge. Tim says that he can't see him so Daddy yells: "DO YOU KNOW WHY YOU CAN'T SEE HIM?" Ed finally remembers that he is also Scrooge. Daddy (as the camera veers to the left, yells): "HERE COMES MR. SCROOGE NOW. MERRY CHRISTMAS MR. SCROOGE." Scrooge comes out with the same limp as Tim. Scrooge: "Sorry Ralph. Christmas: Bah humbug. I came to evict everyone. Everybody out." He also plugs the "Scrooge Eviction Company." He yells at them to get out. They all do, except for Tim for obvious reasons. Scrooge: "Where's the kid? Come on out Tiny Tim?" Daddy (yells): "WHY DO YOU THINK HE'S NOT COMING OUT? I KNOW YOU ARE EVICTING EVRYONE MR. SCROOGE." Scrooge goes in to get Tiny Tim. We see a person helping Ed changing his costume on stage. Tiny Tim & Scrooge have a "fight." As Scrooge & Tim talk to Ralph though the window, Ed off course gets the costumes mixed up. Scrooge finally gets "Tiny Tim." (Actually, "Tiny Tim" during this moment was a stuffed-up dummy.) This is all very funny. I should note that the "house" is very small. It's about the size of a bathroom. Daddy: "You certainly have spunk Tiny Tim." He throws the dummy back in. The "real" Tiny Tim comes out. During Tim's fight with Scrooge inside, Tim picked his pocket and found money. Mom: "It won't be proper to keep that money. Daddy: "Remember moral righteousness." (to the crowd, yells): "HE IS THE SECOND DOG IN THE THIRD RACE AT THE MIAMI KENNEL CLUB." The town crier comes out. Town Crier: "Seven o' clock and all is well." Wasn't it six o' clock a few minutes ago? Town Crier: "Time for the 7pm weather report. There's a 20% chance of snow. This report brought to you by the Landmark Bank at Fort Lauderdale." Ralph Kramden got help for his local play from people who are far away as Florida? Daddy: "It certainly looks like snow…I said it certainly looks like snow." Ed (yells): "RALPH WANTS THE SNOW." Ralph is upset. In hilarious fashion, the "snow" falls…like a thud. Snow falling down like a thud doesn't look believable. The snow doesn't look like the corn flakes that Ralph shown everyone earlier. The scene ends. Considerating how much of the play that is shown in this episode, how much sense does the ending of this scene make for a good ending of a Christmas play?
After the play while everyone is on the set, Ralph says that the play was a big smash. Everyone is happy. Mr. Marshall comes out with his wife and her cat. Mr. Marshall and his wife thank Ralph. Ralph is rewarded by getting Mr. Marshall's wife's pregnant cat. Mrs. Marshall: "Phyllis, my cat may have as much as eight cats." The Marshalls leave. Ralph is not pleased. Ralph apologizes to Alice for what he did. Mr. Marshall comes back. He forgot to give Ralph the news that Ralph has finally been promoted to Traffic Manager. He leaves again. Ralph: "All my life, I have never done anything right. Why now?" Alice: "It's Christmas time Ralph." Ralph: "Baby, you're the greatest." Everyone kisses their respective spouses.
During the credit roll, the ABC announcer plugs an ABC show, the special, "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town", ABC News Close-up. "The Class That Went To War" and an NFL football game that features Buffalo vs. Oakland.
This hasn't been seen on TV nor released since it's original airdate in 1974.
This is the only footage of this sketch that is available. Here’s the YouTube link: http://youtube.com/watch?v=k4144l-PxdQ
Ralph comes home. He sees a letter that Alice wrote. It says that since Ralph forgot their anniversary and in turn forgot to give her a card she “forgot” to make dinner. Ralph is upset. He tries to make his own dinner. After that, Ralph sits down at the kitchen table. Ed Norton (played by Julie Andrews) comes in. Yes, a woman plays Ed Norton in this sketch. Ed asks what Ralph is eating. Ed grabs whatever Ralph is eating much to Ralph’s chagrin. Alice is out with her mother. Alice is mad at her for not sending her a birthday card. Ed says: “Why don’t you tell her that you sent her a card but it got lost in the mail?” Ralph: “That’s dishonest. Besides, I already told her that last year.” Ed then suggests writing a nice, intimate poem. Ralph agrees. Ralph has Ed write the poem for him. Ralph: “’My dearest, darling, loving, sweetheart Alice. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I am sorry I forgot your birthday, but I will make it up…” Ed suggests him ending that sentence with: “…but I will make it up. I will forget next year’s too.” Ralph is upset and tries to kick Ed out.
Ed asks why he is being kicked out. Ralph: “Because you are a nut.” Ed: “Why do you pick on me?” Ralph: “Because you are a BUM!” Ralph says that it was a sorry day when he ran into Ed. Wow! That isn’t nice. Ralph: “Here I am in desperate trouble. My marriage is hanging by a thread. The whole world is crumbling down around me. Who let’s me down? My best friend.” Ed agrees. He says that he doesn’t deserve a friend like him. Ed: “I am always taking and never giving. I will get out of your life. I will move away.” Ed is crying. Ed: “There are many other towns with sewers.” Ralph is feeling guilty. He says that he (Ralph) is everything he says that Ed was. He goes through the same “I am sorry” routine that he usually gives Alice. Ed stands up and says that Ralph is the nicest guy in the whole world. Ed forgives Ralph’s apology. Ralph: “Baby, you’re the greatest.” He kisses Ed which causes the audience to laugh. Well, Ralph kissing Ed is understandable considering that Ed was played by Julie Andrews. Ed (after the kiss): “Va-va-va-voom!” They both go out to get something to eat as the sketch ends.
Episode #205
TV: This episode has not been shown since its original airdate.
These as well as some of the other 70s specials, were listed under the title: "Jackie Gleason Presents The Honeymooners." Jackie, Art, Audrey & Jean reprise their roles.
In the Honeymooners Lost Episode Book that was published in `86, there is a chapter that says: "Still Lost." In this chapter, Jackie says: "I wanted to be sure they (the Classic 39) had run their course before I brought out the new ones. I'll let these run for about thirty years, and then we've got a few left." It also says "These episodes aren't available today unless people taped them in the 70s. (Anyone reading this in the year 2000 should note that in the 70s, relatively few people owned VCRs). I would imagine that several years from now, relatively few people will own stand-alone VCRs. Unlike all the other episodes, these ones were shown on ABC.
The few seconds of the opening video are the same as the Color Honeymooners, even the same Color Honeymooners music is playing and
Johnny says: "Coming to you from Gusmand Hall in Miami, Jackie Gleason Presents The Honeymooners. Starring Jackie Gleason, Art Carney, Audrey Meadows & Jean Kean and away we go!
Alice and Trixie are in the Kramden apartment. The Kramden's 25th Anniversary is coming up. This, despite the fact that in the show's SECOND season, Ralph says that they have been married like 13 years. Alice says that she still doesn't have any gray hairs. Alice has been keeping an eye on Mrs. Manicotti's kids. When she was down there, she had to take little Tommy (her son) and his sick rabbit to the vet on Halsey Street. Much too little Tommy's chagrin, they had to leave the sick rabbit there but on the way home, he found a stray cat, so he now has a new pet. Alice is knitting a cover for Ralph's bowling ball. Alice's mom has been having ulcers, so Trixie was watching the Mike Douglas Show, and they had a woman on there discussing ulcers and what people shouldn't eat when they have ulcers, so Trixie copied them down on a piece of paper. Ralph Kramden comes home and he immediately combs his moustache. Ralph kisses Alice hello. Ralph (to Trixie): "How is our favorite neighbor?" Trixie: "What was that beer you had? Norton can use some." The Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler of the Raccoons called Ralph at the bus depot today. He said they have some kind of honor that they bestow on their members that have been married for 25 years. I thought that the Raccoons weren't in favor of happy marriages. I guess that they must have changed. Alice: "What is it?" Ralph: "He didn't know. This is the first time that it has happened." Wow! Ralph says that the G.H.E.M.R. will look up the honor and he wants to marry Ralph & Alice again. Trixie will be her maid of honor. Ed will be Ralph's best man. The girls go upstairs so that Alice can see the dress that Trixie will wear. Ed comes down. Ed sees Ralph combing his moustache. Ralph: "Just because I have been married for 25 years, doesn't mean that I can't be sexy." Ha! ha! Ralph: "A moustache makes a man distinguished. It gives you a certain air. You should grow one." Ed: "Not me. When you work in the sewer, you already got an air about you." This moment was shown on the Honeymooners 50th Anniversary Special in 2002. Ralph breaks his news to Ed about him marrying Alice again at the Raccoon Lodge and he wants Ed to be the best man. Ed accepts. Ed hasn't given any thought as far as what to give Ralph for his 25th Anniversary. Ralph (yells): "WELL, GIVE IT SOME THOUGHT." Ed has little money left, so he asks Ralph if he wants a picture of the Lone Ranger's Horse. Ralph says no. Ralph says he wants silver cufflinks. He has Garrity getting him a silver stick pen. Doesn't Garrity hate Ralph and vice-versa? Ralph looks for a pencil and notices the stuff that Alice was knitting. Ralph thinks that somebody must be having a baby. When he sees the holes for the bowling ball, he concludes that the top holes must be for the arms and the middle one is for the head. Gee, is Ralph stupid. Ralph finds the list Trix made for Alice in the knitted clothing. He reads it. Ralph: "Diet for Mother: No smoking…"Ed says that Alice must be pregnant. Ralph says that that isn't possible because Ralph is too old. Ralph says that it still is possible. Tommy Manicotti comes by. He sure hasn't aged because the last time he was shown was twenty plus years prior in "Trapped." Tommy said that Alice has to know that the rabbit died. Tommy leaves. Ralph thinks that Alice is pregnant. Ralph: "I'm going to be a father." Ed: "You are going to adopt the rabbit's kids?" Ralph says that doctor's test to see if a woman is pregnant by doing something with a rabbit in which that if it dies, it is pregnant. Ralph says he heard that information somewhere. Ralph doesn't want to tell Alice yet. Ed: "Now that we know that Alice is pregnant, the next question is obvious. Who do you expect is the dad?" Ralph is not amused. Ed says that since Ralph is out playing pool, bowling and going to the lodge, there isn't any room for hanky-panky. Ralph remembers the night when the poolroom burned down early in the evening, he went home early and that could have been the night that started the whole thing. Ralph wants Ed to be the godfather of Ralph's kid, but Ed declines. He says that he is too old. Ralph tells him of the good things that the godfather does for a kid. Ed finally accepts.
Announcer: "The Honeymooners: The Second Honeymoon is brought to you by the men & women of The International Ladies Garment Union." A commercial about the company follows.
Ralph comes home. Ralph gave Alice a telephone for an anniversary gift. Ralph says that she might need the phone in case of an emergency like calling a doctor in the middle night etc. Alice says that the only way to get a doctor in the middle of the night is to watch Late Night on NBC. Alice asks for a TV set and Ralph obliges. Ralph: "Do you want black & white or color?" Alice: "You better start me off with black & white. I am not ready for color." Alice has a surprise for Ralph, but he will have to wait until their anniversary day. Ralph: "I am waiting with baited breath." Alice cooks Ralph his dinner. Ralph says he is admiring Alice's "fantastic" shape. The G.H.E.M.R. calls. He has a gift for Alice & Ralph: A two week honeymoon for them at the Raccoon National Cemetery. Gee, what a vacation. It's on a European plan, so that means no meals. Alice: "I didn't expect a cemetery to have room service." They are going to stay at the Raccoon Old Folks Home which is right near a pond. Alice asks Ralph if they will accept a party for three. Ralph says yes and he will pick up the bill for the third party. Alice: "Any minute now, the third party will come." Ralph (yells): "ANY MINUTE NOW?" Alice: "My mother is coming." D'oh! Ralph isn't going to like that. Ralph: "Don't say a thing like our honeymoon now because right now, I can't afford to bring her." Alice's mom comes in. She looks completely different than when she appeared in the Color Honeymooners as well as the Lost Episodes and the Classic 39. Alice's mom: "I thought he lost weight. He still looks FAT to me." Alice: "You apologize to Ralph." Ralph: "No, that won't be needed. I am delighted to be in front of a celebrity. The star of Jaws." Ha ha ha. A battle between Ralph and Mrs. Gibson erupts. After that, Alice's mother has to go. She says that Alice's sister's husband drives her home. Alice's Mom: "She drives a foreign car." Ralph: "I drive a foreign bus. None of my passengers speak English." The girls leave. Ed comes down with a box. It has a lot of baby-related things in it. After the Kramden's got married, they stayed with Alice's mother. Ralph: "Those were the worst eight years in my life." In "Here Comes The Bride", Ralph says that it was three years and in "A Promotion", I think Alice said that it was two years. Ed brings out the baby powder, diapers, safety pins and a doll in his box that he calls: "Father's Expectancy Kit." Ed shows Ralph how to change a diaper. He puts powder on the baby. He uses so much powder that if he was doing this on a real baby, I can imagine that the baby would either sneeze and/or cough. As Ed is trying to straighten the doll's legs, he accidentally knocks one of them off. He puts it back on. He puts the diaper on and asks Ralph to hold the doll for him so he can put the safety pin on. Cue Ed accidentally stabbing Ralph with the pin now. Ralph is yelling so much that you would think he accidentally smashed his hand. Ed asks Ralph to give him a picture of water. Ralph obliges. He asks Ralph to pour the water into the diaper that Ed is holding up. Ed swings the diaper and all the water comes out and splashes against Ralph. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ed: "The joke is on me Ralph. I used the wrong diaper." Ralph kicks Ed out. The picture of the moment that he kicks Ed out is shown in The Honeymooners Companion Book.
In the commercial break, it should be noted that this was recorded from WABC in New York.
Alice comes into the kitchen. She is making the punch for the wedding reception tomorrow. Trixie comes in. She tries the punch. Despite the fact that it sounds like she hates it, she says she likes it. She is going to put vodka in the punch. Alice says that she has to make the punch because the Grand High Exalted Mystic Weirdo said so. Ralph comes home and eyes the punch. Ralph gives Alice the money so she can go to the beauty parlor and get some other things. The girls leave. Ed (from outside, yells): "YOUUUUUUUUUUUU!" A piano falling down the stairs is heard. Ed (from outside, yells): "HEY RALPH! OPEN UP!" Ed comes in with a piano. Ed wanted to bring it downstairs so he can play a song for Ralph. Ralph: "You shouldn't have carried it downstairs. You can hurt yourself." Ed: "What do you think I am, dumb? I rolled this thing down the stairs." Ed has a song that he has written for Ralph's wedding as well as his being a daddy. Ralph is disappointed that he is getting married tomorrow. He wanted to have a bachelor party. Isn't Ralph still married? Ed: "I was going to wait a few days and throw you a baby shower." Ralph says that they can have their own private bachelor party. The party is on right now. Ed gets some hors d' oeuvres. They have some punch. Ralph: "This stuff is strong. Alice put four quarts of vodka in this." Ralph doesn't know that Alice didn't put the vodka in it and right now it's just grape juice. They start getting drunk on…grape juice? Just like in "Head of The House" except I wonder if this time Jackie & Art did their lines word-by-word instead of totally going off the script which caused EVERYONE to laugh like they did in "Head of The House." Question: How can anybody get DRUNK on GRAPE JUICE? Ed: "Here's to Ralph! A gentleman and a Raccoon. Here's to Ralph who used to be built like a balloon." Ralph laughs. Eventually, they start dancing. Ralph starts singing: "Maybe I Am Right. Maybe I Am Wrong." Ralph says that that was Alice and his' song. In "Honeymooners Valentine Special", it was: "Yes, We Have No Bananas." Ed starts to throw things and Ralph has to catch them in a bag. They continue to get drunk on grape juice. Ed then falls asleep. Ralph takes a picture of Alice and says: "What a lucky guy I am." The audience claps as he falls asleep.
A commercial for the International Ladies Garment Union is shown on my copy of this episode. A commercial for the "upcoming" Olympics are shown. Johnny Olsen then says: "The Honeymooners will resume in a moment." After that, more commercials are shown like ABC plugging an episode of one of their shows. After that, the Honeymooners return.
At the Raccoon Lodge, everyone is ready for the wedding. The G.H.E.M.R. is in charge of the wedding. Music for the wedding will be provided by Ed Norton. Ed comes in with a different uniform than his fellow Raccoons. Everyone gets ready. A lot of the Raccoons have ridiculously long tails on their Raccoon caps. They raise their tails. Ed warms up prior to playing The Wedding March much to the chagrin of Ralph. Also, much to his chagrin, Ed warms up by playing "Swannee River." As the Kramden's & Trixie make their entrance, Ralph accidentally bumps into Ed. Ed and the two women follow the Kramden's to the "altar." The G.H.E.M.R. then tries to marry the Kramden's. I never knew that he was allowed to marry people. G.H.E.M.R.: "If there is any person who thinks that these two shouldn't be married, let them speak now or forever hold their peace." Alice's mom gets up but when Ralph sees her, she sits back down without saying a word. They say their "I dos." Ed gets the ring to put on Alice's finger, but he is having trouble finding it. What a best man. He finds it. Ralph puts the ring on Alice's finger and says what the G.H.E.M.R. says to him. They kiss and hug. Everyone is happy. Ralph says that everyone is going to be happy when they hear this surprise announcement that Alice is going to make. Alice: "What surprise?" Ralph: "I saw the baby clothing." Alice: "Those things were covers for your bowling ball." Ralph: "What is the use of kidding? I saw the Mother's Diet List." Alice: "That is the diet for my mother's ulcer problem." Alice's Mom: "Guess who gave it to me." Ralph (angrily): "What about the dead rabbit." Alice: "You weren't supposed to know about that. The dead rabbit was Tommy Manicotti's fault." Ralph is upset that he is not hearing the news that he thought he was going to hear. Alice explains that she got the rabbit for Tommy's birthday. The rabbit got sick, so she and Tommy went to the vet and that is where it died. Ed: "Ralph thought that you were pregnant." Alice says no. Everyone is laughing. Someone comes out with the news that the G.H.E.M.R. fell in the punch. Everyone leaves to help him except Ralph. Ralph starts to play: "Here Comes The Bride" on the piano, but stops.
Time for the commercial break. Several products are shown.
After the wedding party, Ralph & Ed return to the Kramden apartment. Ralph says that the band at the wedding was great but he is upset that he made a fool of himself at the wedding by getting upset by finding out that he won't be a daddy. Ed: "You are in the prime of life." Yeah, he is despite the fact that he has a lot of gray hairs. Ed says that Ralph's moustache makes him look good. Ed has to go. He has to be in the sewer at 6am tomorrow. He leaves. Alice comes home. Ralph reminisces about the party they were just at. Alice: "Thank you Ralph for a perfect evening." Organ music plays. Ralph says that he is sorry that he made a fool of himself at the wedding. Ralph: "I wanted a kid. The only reason why is because I know it would be exactly like you Alice." Alice: "There is no reason why we have to stop trying." Audience laughs. Ralph (yells): "LET'S GO!" As he says this, Alice's mom comes out with a bathrobe on. Ralph takes off his tux jacket and sees Alice's mom. Alice's mom: "Will you two please be quiet? I am trying to get my beauty rest." She goes back to sleep. Ralph is angry. Alice apologizes for not telling Ralph that mom is staying with them for the night. Alice is almost ready to cry as she is trying to get Ralph to forgive her. Alice: "Please say something." Ralph: "Frankly, sweetheart I don't give a (darn!)." I put darn in there because Jackie actually uttered the four letter profane word that starts with d and ends with n. I am not going to write it for fear that there's a slight chance that kids may access this message. Considering that this episode was shown in the 70s, I am surprised that that word was said considering that this is a Honeymooners "episode" (even if it is a minor profane word.) They hug and kiss.
Time for the commercial break, but all the commercials are edited out and then the announcer says: "The Second Honeymoon brought to you by the men & women of The International Ladies Garment Union." During the credit roll, Johnny Olsen says that the part of Alice's Mom was played by Tempelton (sp?) Fox." The ABC announcer plugs an episode of that show that starred Henry Winkler (I think you know what show I am referring to) as well as Henry making a guest appearance on Laverne & Shirley. I think he made that guest appearance because his show & Laverne & Shirley were going to team up to do a two-part episode. One episode was going to be from Henry's show and the other from L&S. The announcer also says that ABC is going to do a special on the "upcoming" Olympic Games. All of this is going to be "on" tomorrow night. As the credit's roll, they (the credits) actually zoom out. There was no curtain call at the end of this that I know of.
Episode #206
TV: This episode has not been scene since its original airdate.
This episode starts with Ralph Kramden entering the Gotham Bus Company locker room. I guess that the company changed its name back to the Gotham Bus Company since it was called the Madison Avenue Bus Company in "To Whomever It May Concern." The locker room sure looks different than it was during the Lost & Classic 39 episodes. The locker room is decorated with Christmas decorations. A big crash is heard from outside. All the drivers that were in the locker room go out to see what the big crash was. Ralph comes in. Ralph says hello to Pop Parker, the custodian. Rod asks what that big crash that he just heard was. Ralph says that when he was parking, he backed into a sign that said: "Our bus drivers are the most careful bus drivers in the world." Ralph doesn't care. He will be spending seven days in Miami, Florida. He is staying at his brother-in-law's condo. Rod says that he is retiring in three months and he will be moving down to Miami. He leaves. Ralph opens his locker, combs his moustache and utters that controversial line: "Frankly sweetheart, I don't give a (darn)." He didn't say darn, but I think you know what he said. Ed comes down. Ralph: "When you see the mistletoe around here, don't give me a kiss. Anita Brant may be in the area." Ed is giving Trixie a silver-plated cocktail shaker for Christmas. He got that prize for winning the highest score playing pinball. Ed: "When you shake it, it plays `Cocktails For Two.'" Ed shakes it, but all that is heard is a gunshot and a whistle. Ed: "It's the Spike Jones version." Ed gives Ralph a present too. It's one ear plug that he can take while swimming. According to Ed, Ralph won't need the other plug since only one ear will be underwater. Mr. Marshall (played by Gale Gordon who gets a round of applause from the audience) comes in. Ralph introduces Ed to Mr. Marshall. Mr. Marshall is looking for someone with theatrical experience to direct "A Christmas Carol." Mr. Marshall's wife is putting on a play for charity. The charity: To feed all the stray cats in the city. Mr. Marshall: "She has a motto for it. `Make a kitty cat Merry at Christmas.'" Ralph: "Your wife must be a splendid woman." Mr. Marshall: "Oooh, she is indeeeed." Ed: "Out of all the times that I went to Macy's at Christmas time, not once did I see a cat sitting on Santa's knee." Mr. Marshall: "Does he (Ed) work for us?" Ralph: "No." Mr. Marshall: "Good. I once had a secretary like him. Her name was Lucy. A real screwball." That was an inside joke because Gale and Lucille Ball were co-stars on a TV show in which Lucy played Gale's secretary. (I think you might know what show I am referring to.) According to Mr. Marshall, Jim Guild did the play last year, but he is unavailable because he married Mr. Marshall's daughter and they are on vacation in France. Mr. Marshall then asks Ralph to think of a person who could direct the play. He leaves to talk to Pop Parker. Ralph thinks that the guy who directs that play will be a lucky man. Ralph: "Take Jim Guild. He was a bus driver. Than after he directed the play, he became a traffic manager and then voile (meaning voila) he gets married to Mr. Marshall's daughter." Ralph volunteers to direct the play. Ed: "I have theatrical experience. I was in the Navy with Jerry Vale." What about the time (or times) that he appeared with Ralph for the Halsey Theater Amateur Contest (that was won by Alice & Trixie)? Ralph asks Ed to tell Mr. Marshall that Ralph will direct the play because he is too modest. Ralph, too modest? Mr. Marshall comes in and gets the news that Ralph will direct the play. Ralph says that he was in a play once. Ed says that he has theatrical experience, he played UNDER Broadway. Ralph: "Ed played in the UNDERGROUND Theater. If I am not qualified, may this building fall down on me." Ralph looks up to see if the building will fall down on him. Mr. Marshall's favorite play is "A Christmas Carol" because he finds Scrooge such a lovable character. Mr. Marshall says that the play will go on Dec. 24 and wishes Ralph good luck. He leaves. A play on Christmas Eve? Ed hides his present to Trixie in Ralph's locker. Ed finds out that Ralph has the dates December 21-28 are circled on Ralph's calendar. Ralph: "That is when I & Alice are going to Miami…Norton; I can't take her on that vacation." Ralph says that he also can't tell Mr. Marshall that he can't do the play. Ralph is now in a quandary. Mr. Marshall comes back in with the news that his wife is so happy that Ralph will direct the play. Ralph said that he might not be able to do the play. Mr. Marshall: "Did you lie to me? I don't like liars. I don't like them at all." After finding out that Mr. Marshall fired Pop Parker, Ralph decides to take on the responsibility of director, but he will need help. Ralph: "Ed can't help me. He doesn't know anything about theater." Ed: "I can help you." Mr. Marshall: "Good. You will be the director." He leaves. Ralph blames Ed for the spot that he is in. Ed tells Ralph to look on the bright side and tell Alice the good news if he directs the play. One of the pieces of good news is that he (Ralph) could marry the boss' daughter. Ed leaves.
At 3am. Ralph is arguing with Alice in the bedroom. Alice is steamed that she is not going to Miami and has been steamed ever since Ralph came home with the news. Ralph comes out in LOUD pajamas. The pajamas have different colored stripes on them. Alice follows. Ralph is going to sleep in the kitchen because he can't sleep with Alice hollering at him. Alice: "I will stop hollering when you tell your boss that you can't direct that play because you are taking your wife to Florida." Ralph: "I can't do that. It's for charity." Alice: "Some charity: `Make a kitty cat Merry at Christmas.' I will take a cat to Miami with me and when he gets back, he will be the only cat with a sun tan." Ralph gets out the cot as Alice says that Ralph is allergic to cats. Ralph: "I can't tell the boss that I can't direct the play because I promised him." Alice: "Who is number 1 in your life, your boss or me?" Ralph: "At 3am, that is an unfair question." Alice (yells): "ANSWER ME!" A voice is heard saying (yells): "ANSWER HER KRAMDEN SO WE CAN GET OUR SLEEP." Ralph identifies the person as McGarrity even though his voice sounds different. I guess that the guy changed his last name from McGarrity to Garrity to McGarrity again. Ralph (yells): "WHY AREN'T YOU OUT CELEBRATING MCGARRITY? DON'T YOU KNOW THAT IT IS NATIONAL MUSKATELL WEEK?" Ralph & Alice continue arguing. Ralph goes to open the cot. He can't open it. He tries to open it; a sound effect that doesn't look like it would come from a cot is heard and hurts his finger. Almost like the times that he tried to open the cot in "Alice's Aunt Ethel", "Goodbye Aunt Ethel" & "Battle of The Sexes." Alice asks Ralph if he hurt himself. She thought that he did when he heard him screaming. Ralph: "If I can open that cot, I will go to sleep." Alice opens it for him with no problem. Ralph: "Let me sleep." Alice: "Not until you promise to take me to Miami Ralph." Ralph: "After I get that promotion, we will visit France and Greece, we will dance on the tables in Spain, we will wade in the Roman fountains and on our way home in our rented yacht, we will hop scotch to the Caribbean." Alice: "I don't need to visit Greece to see the ruins. I live in one in Brooklyn. I already dance on the tables every time a cockroach comes across this floor. I don't need to wade in the Roman fountains. I can do that every time the plumbing is backed up in the bathroom. Ralph says that after all the places that they will visit; they will visit the number 1 tourist attraction in America which is Billy Kotter's Gas Station. Alice: "I don't have to go there either. I have a full tank right here." She pokes at Ralph's stomach. Ralph tries to go to sleep on the cot but he makes the cot lopsided and falls down. Ralph orders Alice to set the alarm. She does do all right. She sets it so it will ring right about now. Alice: "Okay. Round 2. When are you going to take me to Miami?" Ed comes down. He heard the arguing. He has cameras with him because he figures that the police will come down here and he would send the pictures to the Daily News. Ed vows to settle their argument by going to the window, opening up and yelling for all those in favor of Alice to say "I" and for all those in favor of Ralph to say "I." A lot of people say "I" for Alice while only a “cat” meows after Ed yells: "ALL THOSE IN FAVOR OF RALPH, SAY: `I!'" Ralph tries to kick Ed out, but Ed doesn't leave. After Ed asks Alice to hear her side, he sits down on Ralph's cot which causes it to be lopsided and causes Ralph to fall down. Alice: "I want to go to Miami so I can see my sister in her condo." Ed: "Do you know that they are turning this building into a condo? I saw a sign." Alice: "Ed, they are just repainting a sign that has been there for 10 years and it doesn't say `condo.' It says: `Condemned." Alice doesn't want to fight anymore. She is just disappointed. She thought that after 25 years, a bond of trust and understanding had been made. She would like to have thought that after Ralph's boss asked him to be the director, Ralph would say that he would think about it and ask her first. She would have never stood in his way. But when he came in that door tonight with the news, she knew that for the first time, her marriage lacked the substance to hold it together. Alice looks like she is almost ready to cry. Alice: "The sensitivity, trust and love. It is very sad to discover that after 25 years." Ralph promises that after he directs that play, he would take Alice on the best vacation that she has ever had. He puts it down in writing with Ed writing it. Ralph signs it. Ed says that he will have it notarized since he's a Notary Republic. Ed asks for $2 because that is the fee that he charges. Ralph says no and he and Alice go to the bedroom. Ed grabs a chicken leg and attempts to sit on the cot, but his sitting down on it makes it lopsided and he falls down. Ralph comes out. Ed: "My pound of flesh (referring perhaps to the chicken leg.)"
The next day, Alice is ironing part of her costume for the play. Trixie comes down. Alice said that Ralph bribed her to be in the play and she accepted. Ed Norton is the assistant director. Ralph was not satisfied with Charles Dickens' original version of the play, so he re-wrote it. Oh boy! Alice: "This may be a bigger blow with our relations to England than the Revolutionary War." Ed comes out wearing pants, for whatever reason; look to be very thick in the quad area but not anywhere else. Ralph comes out with a VERY LOUD outfit and with an assgot on which looks like a VERY BIG tie. In the play, Ralph plays Daddy Cratchett, Alice plays Mother Cratchett, Trixie plays the Cratchett's 13-year-old daughter and Ed plays Tiny Tim. Ed starts singing: "Tip Toe Through The Tulips." Ralph: "Not THAT Tiny Tim." Ed also plays the villain, Scrooge. Ed remembers that Tiny Tim walked with a limp. He asks Ralph what kind of limping he wants. According to wkipedia.org, Art Carney suffered a gun shot in I think World War II which caused him to walk with a slight limp for the rest of his life. For the longest time, I never noticed it. Ralph asks for a little bit of that Pappy McKoy limp with a little dash of a Frankenstein limp. Ralph sets the scene. The Cratchett's are very poor and so is their house, almost like the Kramden house. A man comes in with posters advertising the play. Man: "I don't need a tip. Just looking at you and Ed is good enough. Ha ha." He leaves. Alice (reading the poster): "'Ralph Kramden presents A Christmas Carol starring, directed and produced by Ralph Kramden.'" Ralph: "Mooreritee (sp?) (sp?) The Undertaker paid for the posters and during the play, I am going to give him a plug and I am going to do this with all the stores that helped me out. Mooreritee (sp?) the Undertaker has got a new place called the New-Frills Funeral." Alice looks at the script and notices that one of the plugs is Manicotti (as in Mrs. Manicotti). Ralph: "Mrs. Manicotti helped me out and I promised I would do a plug one of the restaurants that her son manages." Alice & Trixie read the plug which constitutes them singing: "Hold the pickles/hold the lettuce/special orders, don't upset us/just as we let it have it your way." An old Burger King jingle. Two men come in with a big tub of corn flakes. Ralph says that they will be spray painted to look like snowflakes. "Just like in the movies" according to Ralph. Ralph: "Then we get a great big net. Don't you say it Alice. We put the corn flakes in the net, hang the net over the stage and when the snow scene comes, we tug on a rope and the snow flakes gently fall down from heaven." Gee, Ralph believes that the "snowflakes" will fall down just like in the movies with his way of releasing them? How stupid is Ralph? Ralph claims that he is a genius. Ralph assigns Alice & Trixie to spray the flakes. Alice says no and they won't be in his stupid play. They quit. Mr. Marshall comes in. Mr. Marshall: "Who are these charming ladies?" Ralph introduces them. Mr. Marshall hopes that they will be in the play because he thinks that such beauty deserves to be on stage. Mr. Marshall says that Ralph's efforts to be rewarded and says that he will give the wives each a present. He leaves. The girls now want to be in. Ralph & Ed will go upstairs to work on the script. They leave. The girls get the spray cans ready. Alice wants to pull a practical joke on Ralph. So she calls Ralph to come on down. Both girls get on opposite sides of the door and when the door opens, they spray…Mr. Marshall who came in with presents for the girls. He is not pleased and neither are the girls.
It's play night. Mr. Marshall tells the audience what they are about to see. The curtain rises. Carolers sing: "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen." As they are singing, the town crier (played by Johnny Olsen) says: "Six o' clock and all is well." This message is brought to you by Mooreritee (sp?) the Undertaker. Mooreritee (sp?) says take advantage of my year-end clearance. Go now and save. GO ON DOWN." Johnny says "ON DOWN" the same way as he did when he was an announcer on a certain CBS game show that is still shown even after 35 years at 11am Eastern (I think you know what game show I am referring to). At the Cratchett household, Mother Cratchett (Alice with a brunette wig) comes out to sweep the front steps. It is supposed to be cold out and she is not even wearing a coat. The daughter comes out, also with no coat. The daughter is complaining about them being poor and what will happen if they can't pay the rent (that being Scrooge will evict them). Daddy Cratchett and Tiny Tim come by. Tiny Tim "limps" but you can tell that the limp is not real. Daddy Cratchett said that his solution to their money problems didn't work. Ralph: "Our lousy horse ran 3rd AT COLDER (sp?) RACE TRACK. OPEN EVERY DAY." Ralph says that he and Tiny Tim haven't eaten in two days. Ralph (yells): "SO WE STOPPED AT FATCHUMATA MOTZERONNI'S PIZZERIA." Mother said that they didn't have any money. Daddy said that they went to a gentleman and asked for a bite because they didn't have one in two days, so the man bit them. Daddy: "It smells like snow." Tim: "It smells more like corn flakes to me." A picture from this scene is in "The Honeymooners Lost Episodes Book. They all go inside to start a fire. The daughter opens the window and sees Mr. Scrooge. Tim says that he can't see him so Daddy yells: "DO YOU KNOW WHY YOU CAN'T SEE HIM?" Ed finally remembers that he is also Scrooge. Daddy (as the camera veers to the left, yells): "HERE COMES MR. SCROOGE NOW. MERRY CHRISTMAS MR. SCROOGE." Scrooge comes out with the same limp as Tim. Scrooge: "Sorry Ralph. Christmas: Bah humbug. I came to evict everyone. Everybody out." He also plugs the "Scrooge Eviction Company." He yells at them to get out. They all do, except for Tim for obvious reasons. Scrooge: "Where's the kid? Come on out Tiny Tim?" Daddy (yells): "WHY DO YOU THINK HE'S NOT COMING OUT? I KNOW YOU ARE EVICTING EVRYONE MR. SCROOGE." Scrooge goes in to get Tiny Tim. We see a person helping Ed changing his costume on stage. Tiny Tim & Scrooge have a "fight." As Scrooge & Tim talk to Ralph though the window, Ed off course gets the costumes mixed up. Scrooge finally gets "Tiny Tim." (Actually, "Tiny Tim" during this moment was a stuffed-up dummy.) This is all very funny. I should note that the "house" is very small. It's about the size of a bathroom. Daddy: "You certainly have spunk Tiny Tim." He throws the dummy back in. The "real" Tiny Tim comes out. During Tim's fight with Scrooge inside, Tim picked his pocket and found money. Mom: "It won't be proper to keep that money. Daddy: "Remember moral righteousness." (to the crowd, yells): "HE IS THE SECOND DOG IN THE THIRD RACE AT THE MIAMI KENNEL CLUB." The town crier comes out. Town Crier: "Seven o' clock and all is well." Wasn't it six o' clock a few minutes ago? Town Crier: "Time for the 7pm weather report. There's a 20% chance of snow. This report brought to you by the Landmark Bank at Fort Lauderdale." Ralph Kramden got help for his local play from people who are far away as Florida? Daddy: "It certainly looks like snow…I said it certainly looks like snow." Ed (yells): "RALPH WANTS THE SNOW." Ralph is upset. In hilarious fashion, the "snow" falls…like a thud. Snow falling down like a thud doesn't look believable. The snow doesn't look like the corn flakes that Ralph shown everyone earlier. The scene ends. Considerating how much of the play that is shown in this episode, how much sense does the ending of this scene make for a good ending of a Christmas play?
After the play while everyone is on the set, Ralph says that the play was a big smash. Everyone is happy. Mr. Marshall comes out with his wife and her cat. Mr. Marshall and his wife thank Ralph. Ralph is rewarded by getting Mr. Marshall's wife's pregnant cat. Mrs. Marshall: "Phyllis, my cat may have as much as eight cats." The Marshalls leave. Ralph is not pleased. Ralph apologizes to Alice for what he did. Mr. Marshall comes back. He forgot to give Ralph the news that Ralph has finally been promoted to Traffic Manager. He leaves again. Ralph: "All my life, I have never done anything right. Why now?" Alice: "It's Christmas time Ralph." Ralph: "Baby, you're the greatest." Everyone kisses their respective spouses.
During the credit roll, the ABC announcer plugs an ABC show, the special, "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town", ABC News Close-up. "The Class That Went To War" and an NFL football game that features Buffalo vs. Oakland.