Frank Gannucci
10-03-2008, 07:43 AM
Episode #196
TV: Hour-long musical.
DVD: Attached to "The Honeymoon Is Over, "Hawaii, Oh! Oh", & "The Sun & Raccoon Capital."
At first, I thought it was George Burns who played Howard in this episode since I found out that he was on Jackie's variety show during this decade but I was wrong. Considerating the summary of this episode,it is ironic that George passed away in 1996 at 100.
Dancers (June Taylor Dancers, of course) come out and sing: "San Francisco." The Kramdens & Nortons are in San Francisco. They want to go someplace. They can't go to Chinatown as well as Fisherman's Wharf because Ralph is on a diet. Alice wants to go get her Uncle Howard a present before they leave town. Ralph lends Alice $20 to buy him a gift. Uncle Howard moved to San Francisco from Jersey City 30 years ago. Ralph says that Uncle Howard is a nice guy and a perfect gentleman. According to Alice, Ralph is saying all this is because he is 83 and rich. Ralph: "I don't care if he was broke." Ed: "How long have you known him?" Ralph: "I never met him." Alice asks Ralph what does his deal friend, Uncle Howard want. Ed: "A pair of water-skis." The girls leave. Ralph says that if Uncle Howard wants to give them money, why fight it? They both sing: "Perhaps, It Can Happen To Me."
At Uncle Howard's mansion, Martha the maid shows the Kramdens & Ed the living room. She leaves soon after. Everyone notices that there is a picture of a young Alice on the mantel. Actually, it does look like a picture of a young Shelia MacRae. Alice: "This picture must be 15 years old." Ralph: "Yeah. I seem to remember that dress." Alice: "You should. I wore it yesterday." Ed loves all the fancy things that Uncle Howard has and says that someday, it will all be Ralph's. Ralph claims that he doesn't care about his money. Ralph: "Now, put down my vase before you break it." Alice warns Ralph to watch his behavior. Alice: "You are going to say: `Uncle Howard: My favorite uncle. Alice & I think about you all the time. You are always in our hearts.'" Ralph: "Don't worry." The butler comes in and Ralph thinks it is Uncle Howard." Ralph: "Uncle Howard: My favorite uncle. Alice & I think about you all the time. You are always in our hearts." The butler identifies himself and asks if anybody would care for any refreshments. Uncle Howard (played by David Burns) comes in, hugs Alice Uncle Howard: "You are as pretty as you ever were." Howard says that Ralph is his favorite nephew and that he thinks about him all the time and that he is always in his heart. Ed: "He thinks you have money Ralph." He says hello to Ed Norton. Howard: "This calls for a celebration." He pours a bottle of wine and asks about the family. Alice says that they are all fine and they ask about him all the time. Howard: "They are after my money." Ralph: "Yes and Alice is the only one that isn't after it." Howard says that his doctor only allows one drink a day and asks them which drink they want. Howard says that Ralph & Alice are his favorites because the rest of the family is after his money. Howard (picking up a vase): "They think that one day, all of this will be there's." Ed: "Howard, quick fooling around with Ralph's vase." Ralph elbows Ed. Ed goes to pick up Trixie at the beauty parlor, so he says god-bye to Howard." Howard: "Someday, I would like to meet your wife. You are a fine man. Even though I only met you seconds ago, I wish I had a son like you." Ed: "Take me. I'm yours." Ed then leaves. Alice gives Howard his present. Howard asks them where they are staying. They say they are staying at the Lloyd Hotel. Howard says that they are moving in with him. Alice: "We don't want to impose." Ralph: "Yes, we do. I mean, if he wants you to be near him, I want to be near him." Howard's gift: A black shawl. The kind of clothing that one wears around their neck and covers their front and back like a baggy shirt. Howard went for his checkup this morning and the doctor gave him frightening news. The doctor said that Howard may only live twenty more years. Howard: "I will go like that, at 103." Alice: "Just think Ralph, Howard will be 103 and you will be 71." That indicates that Ralph Kramden was 51 years old at the time of this episode. In reality, Jackie was only 53 when this episode was made and he died at 71. Howard says that he now has a lady friend who has been a loyal companion to him. Her name is Emily Quackinbush." They go on long walks together, they read the same books and they both love music. The butler introduces Emily. Emily (played by Joey Heatherton) comes in. According to imdb.com, she was 23 when this episode was made. So, that probably means that Howard is seeing a girl who is a whopping 60 years younger than him. Emily gives Ralph a radio that blares music that you can tll is not coming from the radio as Howard and Emily dance.
The next day, Ralph comes in the living room and takes notes on things that might one day belong to him. Ed comes in and reminisces about the time he had last night at his hotel. Their was a convention going on and at 12am, a big cake comes by and who comes out of the cake? Uncle Howard and a beautiful girl. Ralph says that that young girl is trying to replace Alice. Ed: "You mean Alice was supposed to come out of the cake?" Ralph: "No. That girl is after my Uncle's money. She is a gold-digger. Around here, she is Emily Quackinbush." Ralph found out her real name is Emily Gogogolak. Ralph says that they have to break the couple up. Ed says that Ralph is overreacting and they will never see each other again. A couple of butlers come by and replace the Alice picture with a big black and white picture of Emily. Howard comes in with wonderful news. He and Emily are going to get married just when her late husband in a decent amount of time. Gee, I guess that marriage didn't last too long. Howard: "He died in the prime of his life at 83." A part of the prime of a person's life is their 80s? Ed: "I can see that she is in mourning. In this picture, she is wearing a black garter." All of them have a toast to Emily. Howard: "To Emily, I pledge to make you happy if it's the last dime I got." He throws the drink into the fireplace for some reason. Ed, being Ed, follows suit. So does Ralph but he also throws Howard's vase as well. Ralph: "I'm sorry. It slipped." Howard doesn't care. He's so happy that nothing will upset him. They all sing: "There Is Life In The Old Boy Again." After that, Howard leaves. Ralph hatches a plan to break up the couple. In the nightclub that Emily is working at, Ralph & Ed will attend. Ed will disguise as a handsome man who has $2 million and they will see if her love for Howard is genuine or if she is marrying him to get his money. Ed asks if they can expose her until after her honeymoon.
At the nightclub, the announcer (Johnny Olsen), announces the next entertainers in the Sapphire Room. They are the Jackie Jay Dancers with the star, Emily Gogogolak. They all come on stage and dance. Emily has a blue gown on and shakes her breasts. She sings: "We Can Close The Generation Gap", in which some of the lyrics are: "Is doesn't matter that you are older…" During the song, she picks an old man with a horn to his ear and dances with him. That horn is what people used as hearing aids and I don't know what else to call them. I read on the now-dead Honeymooners.net Message Board that when this Honeymooners episode was shown on TV the first time, this song was one of the clues that times were a-changing on TV as well as around the world I guess. Anyway, the old man also has a cane and Emily takes off her dress to reveal her entire bathing suit-like suit. She kicks the cane from the man and even though he is cane-less, somehow he finds a way to dance…before falling down a minute later. At the end of the song, Ralph comes in. Ed comes in dressed like a rich man. He is also wearing a black wig. Ed says he feels ridiculous and he is also wearing Trixie's blouse. The waiter calls them Mr. and Mrs. Kramden despite the fact that Ed doesn't even look remotely like a woman. They sit down. Ralph asks the waiter to get Emily Gogogolak. He wants her to meet his "rich" friend. Waiter: "Gogo, two nuts at table 16." Ed is going to act like an Italian Count. Ralph: "You have seen those movies that have an Italian Count." Ed: "Oh yeah. A 1, 2, 3." Ralph: "I mean a duke. A nobleman." Ralph & Ed decide on the name Marco. Ed works in the sewer with a guy named Marco. Ed: "I'm Count Marcowitz." Ralph: "You are Count Marco." Emily comes by. Ralph introduces "Count Marco" as his handsome friend who has $2 million. Ralph: "Say something in Italian Marco." Ed says something in Russian. Joey: "Me and you Ralph must get better acquainted. After all, I am going to be your aunt." Joey: "Howard is worth $2 million." Ralph: "Then he is worth $4 million." Gee, this doesn't look like a set up at all. Marco is looking for an Italian wife. Joey: "A wife is very independent. An American wife is very dominating, she wants to run everything, she will nag you, she won't let you go out nights and she won't let you do the things that you want to do." Ed: "You are telling me." Ralph says that after he gets married, he isn't long for this world because he is very sick. Ralph: "He has one of the worst diseases you can get." Ed: "I'm allergic to spaghetti." Ha! Ha! Ha! Ralph: "It's a family disease." Ed: "Yeah, I break out in meatballs all over." Joey leaves to make a phone call. Ralph says that their plan worked and she will call Howard to tell him that the wedding is off now. Ed: "I thought we were going to subtle." Ralph says that when she gets back, Ed is to propose marriage to her. A waiter comes by and Ed orders food. Ed actually orders spaghetti while Ralph says that he will just look at the menu. Camera cuts to Emily having a phone conversation with Howard. She asks him if Ralph has any friends here in San Francisco and gets the news that the only friend Ralph has in San Francisco is Ed Norton and not a person named Count Marco. Howard also tells her that he and Ed are at the nightclub tonight. Emily now knows their plan. Emily is going to teach those two a lesson and asks the waiter to bring Maria over to table 16 in a few minutes. The waiter says yes. Emily comes back and says to forget about Howard because she wants to talk to the Count. Emily asks the Count if he wants to get married. Ralph says yes he does. Emily: "How about tonight?" Ed: "I was thinking about a long engagement." Emily says that she knows a person who can perform the ceremony tonight. Ralph asks if Howard is going to be a little surprised about this. Ed: "I think Trixie will be surprised too." Emily says that it is all settled and the marriage will happen tonight. Ralph: "So you are marrying him for his money." Emily says that it isn't true. The Count will be marrying her friend Maria. Maria comes in. She looks like she weighs a ton. Ed is anything but happy about the thought of "marrying" Maria. Maria hugs and kisses Ed. Ralph asks what is this about. Emily: "See you at the wedding Ralph." She leaves. Ralph leaves Ed alone with Maria kissing and hugging him. All during this time, the other guests in the nightclub don't make a sound.
The day of the wedding, the girls (including Emily) arrive in the living room in Howard's mansion. They are all wearing what they will be wearing at the wedding. Alice: "I love weddings." Emily: "Me too. I love weddings and rock festivals." They all sing and dance to: "Beautiful Love, Love, Love." During the song, Trixie loses whatever she was wearing on her head. Ralph & Ed come in. Ralph reluctantly wishes Emily good luck. Emily calls Ed Count. Trixie: "I hope your marriage is as good as mine & Ed's is." Ed: "Don't get nasty Trix." The girls leave. Ralph blames Ed for the failed idea because of his bad Italian accent. Ed says that he got Maria sitting on him for an hour. Ed said that Maria must have weighed 350. While Maria went to powder her nose, Ed escaped. He walked 42 blocks on his knees. Question: Why did Ed deem it necessary to walk 42 blocks on his knees and if he did, shouldn't he have great difficulty walking? Howard comes in and says that Ralph is the best man at the wedding. "Here Comes The Bride" plays It's time for the wedding. Ralph then breaks the truth about Emily only being after him for his money. Howard knows that. He will have fun when she tries to look for it. Howard leaves as Ralph & Ed are surprised.
At the curtain call, Jackie says that they wished they had a picture of Sammy Speak in the jacket that he is wearing. Jackie: "That looks like egg-drop soup." I think Sam played the waiter in this episode, but I am not sure. Jackie introduces the cast. First Joey Heatherton whom Jackie says is the daughter of a singer Ray Heatherton. Then David Burns, whom Jackie says cracked him up. He doesn't know if the camera caught him laughing. Then the regular cast gets introduced. Art: "Is that girl really your aunt. I want to be in the family." Jackie then jokingly turns into Ralph Kramden and says for him to get out of here. Jackie praised the Miami Beach audience then says good night.
Episode #197
TV: Hour (edited)
DVD: Attached to "The Honeymoon Is Over", "Happiness Is A Rich Uncle" & "The Sun & Raccoon Capital."
In the Nick Clooney intro, he mentions the guest star in this episode (Donald O'Conner) has just passed away "a little while ago." I just found out that Donald passed away in Sept. '03, so this intro must have been filmed just a little while before this episode first aired on TV in syndication.
A bunch of Hawaiian girls sing & dance to "Hawaii!" dance in a restaurant. Durng the song, one of the dancers comes out with a blowtorch that ooks like real fire on both ends. He ends up dancing with it and actually at one point lays down and puts it on his feet with his feet either barely missing or touching the flames. If the flames were real, than that guy was stupid or had a lot of guts not to mention talent. During this the sky turns from light to dark to light. That needs some susension of disbelief although I do understand why they dit it. After this, the dancers resume to sing and dnace the song. After this, as a guy named Charlie Pineapple (Donald O'Conner) is serving the guests with pineapples and other things. Another guy comes in. Charlie made a bet with this guy and lost $200 to him but Charlie doesn't have the money. The guy then gives him two days to give him the money and calls him by his "real name" Charlie Ryan. Charlie tells him that around here, he's Charlie Pineapple. Man: "If you don't pay up, you will be Crushed Pineapple." The man leaves. The Kramdens & Nortons walk in. A Hawaiian waitress greets each of them and puts a lei around each of their neck and kisses Ralph on the cheeks. When she tries to kiss Ed, Ed declines because Trixie is watching. Trixie says that it's okay. So Ed kisses the Hawaiian girl in a romantic way that gets Trixie upset. They sit down and several girls give them a lot of delicious food. Ralph can't have any of it because of his diet. Alice: "The doctor says that you have to take off at least 10 pounds." Ralph: "Let me eat today and tomorrow, I will take off 20 pounds." The Nortons & Alice dig in and Ed gives Alice some delicious food right in front of Ralph. Ralph is upset. Ed accidently spilled something all over Trixie's dress. They go into the ladies room to clean it up. Charlie Ryan comes back and asks if everything is okay. Ralph says that it is but he can't eat any of the food because of his diet. Ralph: "I have a weight problem. I came down to 220." Ed: "That is his room number. He came down from 280." Ralph says that he will give anything in the world to have something that will cause him not to gain weight from eating food, including all the money you made from the song and the movie. A light bulb goes off in Charlie's head. Charlie introduces himself. He says he comes from a famous Hawaiian family. Ralph: "The Hawaiian Pineapples?" Charlie says that he has a "solution" to Ralph's problem. He has a sauce that will help Ralph not to gain weight from eating food. Charlie: "You put this sauce on any food and not only will you not gain weight, but you will lose weight." According to Charlie, this sauce kills all the calories that are in every piece of food. Ralph likes what he is hearing. Charlie asks them to meet him tomorrow at the Yukelele Bar & Grill and he will give them the sauce. He leaves. Ralph starts eating. Ralph: "Tomorrow, these calories die."
The next day at the Yukelele Bar & Grill, Charlie Ryan greets Harry (a bartender). Charlie has revealed that last night, he lost $50 playing poker. He is down to his last buck. Charlie says he will get the money from a sucker (Ralph) that is coming in a few minutes. Charlie asks Harry for some mustard, ketchup etc and a bowl to put it in. Charlie says that he will use it to make his "special sauce." Charlie: "What do you put in a 200 year old recipe?" Harry: "You want something that is 200 years old? Try our chesse sandwiches." Charlie & Harry pours ketchup (or as he calls it, "crushed wild cherries"), mustard, steak sauce, pulvarised Mango seeds, beer, nuts, & actual saw dust. Charlie mixes it. Harry says ti looks awful but Charlie doesn't care. Ralph & Ed come in and greet Charlie. They sit down. Ralph tries the soup with a spoon and he thinks that it is delicious. Ed tries it and says that it needs more saw dust. Charlie: "That is chredded coconut." Ralph is skeptical. Charlie doesn't blame him. He can prove the magic of that sauce. Four weeks ago, he weighed 285. Ed: "You must have been some Charlie Pineapple." According to him, he tried the sauce and it made him lose weight. He has a picture of him when he was 285 and he shows it to them. (Actually, the photo is a Jackie Gleason photo, but Charlie put his face on top of Gleason's.) Ralph: "It's amazing. How could anybody get that fat?" Ed: "That photo looks familiar to me. Are you sure you weren't fat in Florida?" Charlie claims that it is really him when he poses like the person in the picture did. That's enough to convince Ralph & Ed that it was him in the picture. How gullable are those two? The phone rings and Charlie answers it. Ralph has a scheme. There are 40 million people on the main land who are fat and they would love to have the sauce Charlie made. If each one of them paid a dollar for that sauce, that s $40,000,000. Ralph says they will buy the formula, bottle it and sell it. Charlie comes back and Ralph asks Charlie about his (Ralph's) plan. Charlie says no, but he will give it to Ralph for $5,000. Ralph says that is a little steep. Charlie: "$250?" Ralph: "Sold." Charlie gives Ralph the formula. Ralph says he will give him the money ASAP. Ralph & Ed leave. Charlie dances. Charlie sings: "There Is A Sucker Born Every Minute" and does some good tap dancing. Charlie: "How sweet it is!" Charlie tap dances some more and there's a real good overhead camera shot of him dancing. One question: How come all the other patrons in the restaurant didn't help Ralph & Ed by saying what Charlie is doing is a scam? They must have heard Charlie scamming with Harry.
At the hotel room, Alice says that they will not give Ralph the money. Ralph: "This sauce is important to me. You have never been in my condition." Alice: "You mean fat? When the sun hits you a certain way, you are still fat." Alice laughs at her comment. Ralph: "You are naturally thin." Alice: "I have to watch my weight. You always beat me to the dinner table." Ralph says that he is going to use the sauce for all the fat people in the world that are starving to death. Alice: "Why don't you organize a fat people's watch in Washington?" Trixie says that she won't give Ed the money either. Ed is so desperate to get the money, he is willing to kiss Trixie. He does. Ralph says that if they won't give them the money, they will jump out the window. Ed doesn't like the idea but Ralph pressures him to jump out the window first. He does but Ralph & Ed somehow forgot that they are staying on the first floor. Ralph: "You couldn't even jump out the window correctly." Ed: "I could if we were on the 15th floor." Trixie says to Alice that maybe they should give them the money. Alice jokingly says no. So Trixie jokingly says that she will jump out the window to her death. Alice pleads to Trixie not to jump. Ralph is not amused, but the girls give them the money. Ralph thanks Alice. Ralph: "Beyond that rainbow will be a pot of gravy." Ralph sings: "When We Don't Have To Diet Anymore."
Ralph & Ed prepare the formula. This scene is similar to the scene in "Hair To A Fortune" where Ralph & Ed try to make the hair making formula. Ed comes in with his half of the ingredients for the sauce. Ralph, as usual made Ed do the hard work such as getting the unhatched eggs of a pirana (one of the things that Charlie put in his sauce when all he put in was the middle part of nuts). Ed said he had trouble milking a wild goat (probably another thing that Charlie put in the sauce). Ed said he couldn't get the unhatched eggs of a pirana but he got the next best thing, a pregnant pirana. He brings it in. They mix the ingredients. Ed does the weighing of the cherries. Ed drops one of them. Ed says: "Leave it there. The cat will get it." Ed tastes the cherries, so Ralph hits him for not doing his job. Ralph has a name for the sauce. "Kramden's Kalorie Killer." He is spelling the word calorie with a K. Ed has a better name: "Norton's Noodle Nooge." They continue mixing and weighing. They wait for the pirana to lay her eggs. Ralph says that if you play music, the pirana will lay eggs. Ed gets out his harmonica and starts playing a hillbilly hoe-down tune. Ralph sees the eggs and asks Ed to put his hand in there to pull them out. Ed uses a spoon to pull them out. That doesn't work. Ralph has a plan, he will distract the pirana fish while Ed gets the eggs and puts the eggs in the bowl. Ralph says that they will put this stuff on the market when they know that it works. Ralph gets out a mouse from a big box. They will use test this formula on the mouse. They will weigh the mouse. He weighes 4 1/2 ounces. Every day, they will feed him food with the sauce on it and when he has a consistant weight loss, that will prove that the sauce works. Ed asks if he can weigh the mouse. Ralph says that this mouse will be as famous as the one who went to the moon. So he will name this mouse Norton. Ed is so touched. Ed suggests naming the pirana fish Trixie. Ed takes a picture of the mouse. Ed: "Say 'cheese'!" Ed takes the picture. Ralph: "Don't say cheese in front of a mouse." You mean that mouse could understand what cheese means? Ralph puts Norton the mouse in the cage that is in the box. He then gives him a big chunk of Fatchuatata's (sp?) cheese with the sauce all over it. Ralph says that he has done what every other scientist has done which is experimenting with the animals that are more close to man. Ralph & Ed sing: "The Mouse." Ed: "Just think of what the mouse has done for man especially Walt Disney."
Ralph comes out and asks Ed to go downstairs to get the mouse. It has been a day since the mouse had that big chunk of cheese with the sauce. Ed: "Trixie the pirana just laid 150 eggs." Ed answers the door. It's Charlie Pineapple. Ed goes downstairs to get the mouse. Charlie says that with the $250 Ralph gave him, he used in a poker game and ran it up to $1500. The girls come in and get introduced to Charlie. Alice: "You're the one who stuck Ralph with that rotten sauce." Charlie, feeling guilty perhaps, gives Ralph back his $250. He wants to buy back the recipe. Ralph won't give him the recipe. Charlie now says he doesn't want the recipe, but he wants to give Ralph back the money. Ralph says no. Ralph: "I know what he is trying to pull. As soon as we make money, he will sue us." Ralph kicks Charlie out. Charlie says that they can't give birth to pirana eggs. Ralph says Trixie gave birth to 150 of them. Trixie, not knowing what Ralph is talking about, is upset. Ralph shows her the pirana fish that they named Trixie. Ralph: "Trixie is the fish and Norton is the mouse." Alice: "And you are the coo-coo." Ed comes in with the box that the mouse is in. Ralph tells what he did with the mouse. Alice: "You put a mouse on a diet." Alice laughs. They get ready to take the "after" picture of the mouse. Ed takes off the top of the box and the mouse has grown to be a VERY GIGANTIC mouse. There is no way in real life that a mouse can get that big espeically after eating the hunk of cheese that Ralph gave him with the sauce all over it (and I'm pretty sure that that was a statue of a mouse). What happened to the cage that the mouse was in? Everyone leaves. Ralph assures the mouse that he will put him on hte same kind of diet that Jackie Gleason went on.
During the curatin call, Jackie says "How sweet it is." He introduces the cast. As Shelia is introduced, she says something that ends in "...you." Not even the MPI Subtitles pick it up. Perhaps she said that she loves him (as a friend of course). Jackie praises the audience and ays "Goodnight!"
TV: Hour-long musical.
DVD: Attached to "The Honeymoon Is Over, "Hawaii, Oh! Oh", & "The Sun & Raccoon Capital."
At first, I thought it was George Burns who played Howard in this episode since I found out that he was on Jackie's variety show during this decade but I was wrong. Considerating the summary of this episode,it is ironic that George passed away in 1996 at 100.
Dancers (June Taylor Dancers, of course) come out and sing: "San Francisco." The Kramdens & Nortons are in San Francisco. They want to go someplace. They can't go to Chinatown as well as Fisherman's Wharf because Ralph is on a diet. Alice wants to go get her Uncle Howard a present before they leave town. Ralph lends Alice $20 to buy him a gift. Uncle Howard moved to San Francisco from Jersey City 30 years ago. Ralph says that Uncle Howard is a nice guy and a perfect gentleman. According to Alice, Ralph is saying all this is because he is 83 and rich. Ralph: "I don't care if he was broke." Ed: "How long have you known him?" Ralph: "I never met him." Alice asks Ralph what does his deal friend, Uncle Howard want. Ed: "A pair of water-skis." The girls leave. Ralph says that if Uncle Howard wants to give them money, why fight it? They both sing: "Perhaps, It Can Happen To Me."
At Uncle Howard's mansion, Martha the maid shows the Kramdens & Ed the living room. She leaves soon after. Everyone notices that there is a picture of a young Alice on the mantel. Actually, it does look like a picture of a young Shelia MacRae. Alice: "This picture must be 15 years old." Ralph: "Yeah. I seem to remember that dress." Alice: "You should. I wore it yesterday." Ed loves all the fancy things that Uncle Howard has and says that someday, it will all be Ralph's. Ralph claims that he doesn't care about his money. Ralph: "Now, put down my vase before you break it." Alice warns Ralph to watch his behavior. Alice: "You are going to say: `Uncle Howard: My favorite uncle. Alice & I think about you all the time. You are always in our hearts.'" Ralph: "Don't worry." The butler comes in and Ralph thinks it is Uncle Howard." Ralph: "Uncle Howard: My favorite uncle. Alice & I think about you all the time. You are always in our hearts." The butler identifies himself and asks if anybody would care for any refreshments. Uncle Howard (played by David Burns) comes in, hugs Alice Uncle Howard: "You are as pretty as you ever were." Howard says that Ralph is his favorite nephew and that he thinks about him all the time and that he is always in his heart. Ed: "He thinks you have money Ralph." He says hello to Ed Norton. Howard: "This calls for a celebration." He pours a bottle of wine and asks about the family. Alice says that they are all fine and they ask about him all the time. Howard: "They are after my money." Ralph: "Yes and Alice is the only one that isn't after it." Howard says that his doctor only allows one drink a day and asks them which drink they want. Howard says that Ralph & Alice are his favorites because the rest of the family is after his money. Howard (picking up a vase): "They think that one day, all of this will be there's." Ed: "Howard, quick fooling around with Ralph's vase." Ralph elbows Ed. Ed goes to pick up Trixie at the beauty parlor, so he says god-bye to Howard." Howard: "Someday, I would like to meet your wife. You are a fine man. Even though I only met you seconds ago, I wish I had a son like you." Ed: "Take me. I'm yours." Ed then leaves. Alice gives Howard his present. Howard asks them where they are staying. They say they are staying at the Lloyd Hotel. Howard says that they are moving in with him. Alice: "We don't want to impose." Ralph: "Yes, we do. I mean, if he wants you to be near him, I want to be near him." Howard's gift: A black shawl. The kind of clothing that one wears around their neck and covers their front and back like a baggy shirt. Howard went for his checkup this morning and the doctor gave him frightening news. The doctor said that Howard may only live twenty more years. Howard: "I will go like that, at 103." Alice: "Just think Ralph, Howard will be 103 and you will be 71." That indicates that Ralph Kramden was 51 years old at the time of this episode. In reality, Jackie was only 53 when this episode was made and he died at 71. Howard says that he now has a lady friend who has been a loyal companion to him. Her name is Emily Quackinbush." They go on long walks together, they read the same books and they both love music. The butler introduces Emily. Emily (played by Joey Heatherton) comes in. According to imdb.com, she was 23 when this episode was made. So, that probably means that Howard is seeing a girl who is a whopping 60 years younger than him. Emily gives Ralph a radio that blares music that you can tll is not coming from the radio as Howard and Emily dance.
The next day, Ralph comes in the living room and takes notes on things that might one day belong to him. Ed comes in and reminisces about the time he had last night at his hotel. Their was a convention going on and at 12am, a big cake comes by and who comes out of the cake? Uncle Howard and a beautiful girl. Ralph says that that young girl is trying to replace Alice. Ed: "You mean Alice was supposed to come out of the cake?" Ralph: "No. That girl is after my Uncle's money. She is a gold-digger. Around here, she is Emily Quackinbush." Ralph found out her real name is Emily Gogogolak. Ralph says that they have to break the couple up. Ed says that Ralph is overreacting and they will never see each other again. A couple of butlers come by and replace the Alice picture with a big black and white picture of Emily. Howard comes in with wonderful news. He and Emily are going to get married just when her late husband in a decent amount of time. Gee, I guess that marriage didn't last too long. Howard: "He died in the prime of his life at 83." A part of the prime of a person's life is their 80s? Ed: "I can see that she is in mourning. In this picture, she is wearing a black garter." All of them have a toast to Emily. Howard: "To Emily, I pledge to make you happy if it's the last dime I got." He throws the drink into the fireplace for some reason. Ed, being Ed, follows suit. So does Ralph but he also throws Howard's vase as well. Ralph: "I'm sorry. It slipped." Howard doesn't care. He's so happy that nothing will upset him. They all sing: "There Is Life In The Old Boy Again." After that, Howard leaves. Ralph hatches a plan to break up the couple. In the nightclub that Emily is working at, Ralph & Ed will attend. Ed will disguise as a handsome man who has $2 million and they will see if her love for Howard is genuine or if she is marrying him to get his money. Ed asks if they can expose her until after her honeymoon.
At the nightclub, the announcer (Johnny Olsen), announces the next entertainers in the Sapphire Room. They are the Jackie Jay Dancers with the star, Emily Gogogolak. They all come on stage and dance. Emily has a blue gown on and shakes her breasts. She sings: "We Can Close The Generation Gap", in which some of the lyrics are: "Is doesn't matter that you are older…" During the song, she picks an old man with a horn to his ear and dances with him. That horn is what people used as hearing aids and I don't know what else to call them. I read on the now-dead Honeymooners.net Message Board that when this Honeymooners episode was shown on TV the first time, this song was one of the clues that times were a-changing on TV as well as around the world I guess. Anyway, the old man also has a cane and Emily takes off her dress to reveal her entire bathing suit-like suit. She kicks the cane from the man and even though he is cane-less, somehow he finds a way to dance…before falling down a minute later. At the end of the song, Ralph comes in. Ed comes in dressed like a rich man. He is also wearing a black wig. Ed says he feels ridiculous and he is also wearing Trixie's blouse. The waiter calls them Mr. and Mrs. Kramden despite the fact that Ed doesn't even look remotely like a woman. They sit down. Ralph asks the waiter to get Emily Gogogolak. He wants her to meet his "rich" friend. Waiter: "Gogo, two nuts at table 16." Ed is going to act like an Italian Count. Ralph: "You have seen those movies that have an Italian Count." Ed: "Oh yeah. A 1, 2, 3." Ralph: "I mean a duke. A nobleman." Ralph & Ed decide on the name Marco. Ed works in the sewer with a guy named Marco. Ed: "I'm Count Marcowitz." Ralph: "You are Count Marco." Emily comes by. Ralph introduces "Count Marco" as his handsome friend who has $2 million. Ralph: "Say something in Italian Marco." Ed says something in Russian. Joey: "Me and you Ralph must get better acquainted. After all, I am going to be your aunt." Joey: "Howard is worth $2 million." Ralph: "Then he is worth $4 million." Gee, this doesn't look like a set up at all. Marco is looking for an Italian wife. Joey: "A wife is very independent. An American wife is very dominating, she wants to run everything, she will nag you, she won't let you go out nights and she won't let you do the things that you want to do." Ed: "You are telling me." Ralph says that after he gets married, he isn't long for this world because he is very sick. Ralph: "He has one of the worst diseases you can get." Ed: "I'm allergic to spaghetti." Ha! Ha! Ha! Ralph: "It's a family disease." Ed: "Yeah, I break out in meatballs all over." Joey leaves to make a phone call. Ralph says that their plan worked and she will call Howard to tell him that the wedding is off now. Ed: "I thought we were going to subtle." Ralph says that when she gets back, Ed is to propose marriage to her. A waiter comes by and Ed orders food. Ed actually orders spaghetti while Ralph says that he will just look at the menu. Camera cuts to Emily having a phone conversation with Howard. She asks him if Ralph has any friends here in San Francisco and gets the news that the only friend Ralph has in San Francisco is Ed Norton and not a person named Count Marco. Howard also tells her that he and Ed are at the nightclub tonight. Emily now knows their plan. Emily is going to teach those two a lesson and asks the waiter to bring Maria over to table 16 in a few minutes. The waiter says yes. Emily comes back and says to forget about Howard because she wants to talk to the Count. Emily asks the Count if he wants to get married. Ralph says yes he does. Emily: "How about tonight?" Ed: "I was thinking about a long engagement." Emily says that she knows a person who can perform the ceremony tonight. Ralph asks if Howard is going to be a little surprised about this. Ed: "I think Trixie will be surprised too." Emily says that it is all settled and the marriage will happen tonight. Ralph: "So you are marrying him for his money." Emily says that it isn't true. The Count will be marrying her friend Maria. Maria comes in. She looks like she weighs a ton. Ed is anything but happy about the thought of "marrying" Maria. Maria hugs and kisses Ed. Ralph asks what is this about. Emily: "See you at the wedding Ralph." She leaves. Ralph leaves Ed alone with Maria kissing and hugging him. All during this time, the other guests in the nightclub don't make a sound.
The day of the wedding, the girls (including Emily) arrive in the living room in Howard's mansion. They are all wearing what they will be wearing at the wedding. Alice: "I love weddings." Emily: "Me too. I love weddings and rock festivals." They all sing and dance to: "Beautiful Love, Love, Love." During the song, Trixie loses whatever she was wearing on her head. Ralph & Ed come in. Ralph reluctantly wishes Emily good luck. Emily calls Ed Count. Trixie: "I hope your marriage is as good as mine & Ed's is." Ed: "Don't get nasty Trix." The girls leave. Ralph blames Ed for the failed idea because of his bad Italian accent. Ed says that he got Maria sitting on him for an hour. Ed said that Maria must have weighed 350. While Maria went to powder her nose, Ed escaped. He walked 42 blocks on his knees. Question: Why did Ed deem it necessary to walk 42 blocks on his knees and if he did, shouldn't he have great difficulty walking? Howard comes in and says that Ralph is the best man at the wedding. "Here Comes The Bride" plays It's time for the wedding. Ralph then breaks the truth about Emily only being after him for his money. Howard knows that. He will have fun when she tries to look for it. Howard leaves as Ralph & Ed are surprised.
At the curtain call, Jackie says that they wished they had a picture of Sammy Speak in the jacket that he is wearing. Jackie: "That looks like egg-drop soup." I think Sam played the waiter in this episode, but I am not sure. Jackie introduces the cast. First Joey Heatherton whom Jackie says is the daughter of a singer Ray Heatherton. Then David Burns, whom Jackie says cracked him up. He doesn't know if the camera caught him laughing. Then the regular cast gets introduced. Art: "Is that girl really your aunt. I want to be in the family." Jackie then jokingly turns into Ralph Kramden and says for him to get out of here. Jackie praised the Miami Beach audience then says good night.
Episode #197
TV: Hour (edited)
DVD: Attached to "The Honeymoon Is Over", "Happiness Is A Rich Uncle" & "The Sun & Raccoon Capital."
In the Nick Clooney intro, he mentions the guest star in this episode (Donald O'Conner) has just passed away "a little while ago." I just found out that Donald passed away in Sept. '03, so this intro must have been filmed just a little while before this episode first aired on TV in syndication.
A bunch of Hawaiian girls sing & dance to "Hawaii!" dance in a restaurant. Durng the song, one of the dancers comes out with a blowtorch that ooks like real fire on both ends. He ends up dancing with it and actually at one point lays down and puts it on his feet with his feet either barely missing or touching the flames. If the flames were real, than that guy was stupid or had a lot of guts not to mention talent. During this the sky turns from light to dark to light. That needs some susension of disbelief although I do understand why they dit it. After this, the dancers resume to sing and dnace the song. After this, as a guy named Charlie Pineapple (Donald O'Conner) is serving the guests with pineapples and other things. Another guy comes in. Charlie made a bet with this guy and lost $200 to him but Charlie doesn't have the money. The guy then gives him two days to give him the money and calls him by his "real name" Charlie Ryan. Charlie tells him that around here, he's Charlie Pineapple. Man: "If you don't pay up, you will be Crushed Pineapple." The man leaves. The Kramdens & Nortons walk in. A Hawaiian waitress greets each of them and puts a lei around each of their neck and kisses Ralph on the cheeks. When she tries to kiss Ed, Ed declines because Trixie is watching. Trixie says that it's okay. So Ed kisses the Hawaiian girl in a romantic way that gets Trixie upset. They sit down and several girls give them a lot of delicious food. Ralph can't have any of it because of his diet. Alice: "The doctor says that you have to take off at least 10 pounds." Ralph: "Let me eat today and tomorrow, I will take off 20 pounds." The Nortons & Alice dig in and Ed gives Alice some delicious food right in front of Ralph. Ralph is upset. Ed accidently spilled something all over Trixie's dress. They go into the ladies room to clean it up. Charlie Ryan comes back and asks if everything is okay. Ralph says that it is but he can't eat any of the food because of his diet. Ralph: "I have a weight problem. I came down to 220." Ed: "That is his room number. He came down from 280." Ralph says that he will give anything in the world to have something that will cause him not to gain weight from eating food, including all the money you made from the song and the movie. A light bulb goes off in Charlie's head. Charlie introduces himself. He says he comes from a famous Hawaiian family. Ralph: "The Hawaiian Pineapples?" Charlie says that he has a "solution" to Ralph's problem. He has a sauce that will help Ralph not to gain weight from eating food. Charlie: "You put this sauce on any food and not only will you not gain weight, but you will lose weight." According to Charlie, this sauce kills all the calories that are in every piece of food. Ralph likes what he is hearing. Charlie asks them to meet him tomorrow at the Yukelele Bar & Grill and he will give them the sauce. He leaves. Ralph starts eating. Ralph: "Tomorrow, these calories die."
The next day at the Yukelele Bar & Grill, Charlie Ryan greets Harry (a bartender). Charlie has revealed that last night, he lost $50 playing poker. He is down to his last buck. Charlie says he will get the money from a sucker (Ralph) that is coming in a few minutes. Charlie asks Harry for some mustard, ketchup etc and a bowl to put it in. Charlie says that he will use it to make his "special sauce." Charlie: "What do you put in a 200 year old recipe?" Harry: "You want something that is 200 years old? Try our chesse sandwiches." Charlie & Harry pours ketchup (or as he calls it, "crushed wild cherries"), mustard, steak sauce, pulvarised Mango seeds, beer, nuts, & actual saw dust. Charlie mixes it. Harry says ti looks awful but Charlie doesn't care. Ralph & Ed come in and greet Charlie. They sit down. Ralph tries the soup with a spoon and he thinks that it is delicious. Ed tries it and says that it needs more saw dust. Charlie: "That is chredded coconut." Ralph is skeptical. Charlie doesn't blame him. He can prove the magic of that sauce. Four weeks ago, he weighed 285. Ed: "You must have been some Charlie Pineapple." According to him, he tried the sauce and it made him lose weight. He has a picture of him when he was 285 and he shows it to them. (Actually, the photo is a Jackie Gleason photo, but Charlie put his face on top of Gleason's.) Ralph: "It's amazing. How could anybody get that fat?" Ed: "That photo looks familiar to me. Are you sure you weren't fat in Florida?" Charlie claims that it is really him when he poses like the person in the picture did. That's enough to convince Ralph & Ed that it was him in the picture. How gullable are those two? The phone rings and Charlie answers it. Ralph has a scheme. There are 40 million people on the main land who are fat and they would love to have the sauce Charlie made. If each one of them paid a dollar for that sauce, that s $40,000,000. Ralph says they will buy the formula, bottle it and sell it. Charlie comes back and Ralph asks Charlie about his (Ralph's) plan. Charlie says no, but he will give it to Ralph for $5,000. Ralph says that is a little steep. Charlie: "$250?" Ralph: "Sold." Charlie gives Ralph the formula. Ralph says he will give him the money ASAP. Ralph & Ed leave. Charlie dances. Charlie sings: "There Is A Sucker Born Every Minute" and does some good tap dancing. Charlie: "How sweet it is!" Charlie tap dances some more and there's a real good overhead camera shot of him dancing. One question: How come all the other patrons in the restaurant didn't help Ralph & Ed by saying what Charlie is doing is a scam? They must have heard Charlie scamming with Harry.
At the hotel room, Alice says that they will not give Ralph the money. Ralph: "This sauce is important to me. You have never been in my condition." Alice: "You mean fat? When the sun hits you a certain way, you are still fat." Alice laughs at her comment. Ralph: "You are naturally thin." Alice: "I have to watch my weight. You always beat me to the dinner table." Ralph says that he is going to use the sauce for all the fat people in the world that are starving to death. Alice: "Why don't you organize a fat people's watch in Washington?" Trixie says that she won't give Ed the money either. Ed is so desperate to get the money, he is willing to kiss Trixie. He does. Ralph says that if they won't give them the money, they will jump out the window. Ed doesn't like the idea but Ralph pressures him to jump out the window first. He does but Ralph & Ed somehow forgot that they are staying on the first floor. Ralph: "You couldn't even jump out the window correctly." Ed: "I could if we were on the 15th floor." Trixie says to Alice that maybe they should give them the money. Alice jokingly says no. So Trixie jokingly says that she will jump out the window to her death. Alice pleads to Trixie not to jump. Ralph is not amused, but the girls give them the money. Ralph thanks Alice. Ralph: "Beyond that rainbow will be a pot of gravy." Ralph sings: "When We Don't Have To Diet Anymore."
Ralph & Ed prepare the formula. This scene is similar to the scene in "Hair To A Fortune" where Ralph & Ed try to make the hair making formula. Ed comes in with his half of the ingredients for the sauce. Ralph, as usual made Ed do the hard work such as getting the unhatched eggs of a pirana (one of the things that Charlie put in his sauce when all he put in was the middle part of nuts). Ed said he had trouble milking a wild goat (probably another thing that Charlie put in the sauce). Ed said he couldn't get the unhatched eggs of a pirana but he got the next best thing, a pregnant pirana. He brings it in. They mix the ingredients. Ed does the weighing of the cherries. Ed drops one of them. Ed says: "Leave it there. The cat will get it." Ed tastes the cherries, so Ralph hits him for not doing his job. Ralph has a name for the sauce. "Kramden's Kalorie Killer." He is spelling the word calorie with a K. Ed has a better name: "Norton's Noodle Nooge." They continue mixing and weighing. They wait for the pirana to lay her eggs. Ralph says that if you play music, the pirana will lay eggs. Ed gets out his harmonica and starts playing a hillbilly hoe-down tune. Ralph sees the eggs and asks Ed to put his hand in there to pull them out. Ed uses a spoon to pull them out. That doesn't work. Ralph has a plan, he will distract the pirana fish while Ed gets the eggs and puts the eggs in the bowl. Ralph says that they will put this stuff on the market when they know that it works. Ralph gets out a mouse from a big box. They will use test this formula on the mouse. They will weigh the mouse. He weighes 4 1/2 ounces. Every day, they will feed him food with the sauce on it and when he has a consistant weight loss, that will prove that the sauce works. Ed asks if he can weigh the mouse. Ralph says that this mouse will be as famous as the one who went to the moon. So he will name this mouse Norton. Ed is so touched. Ed suggests naming the pirana fish Trixie. Ed takes a picture of the mouse. Ed: "Say 'cheese'!" Ed takes the picture. Ralph: "Don't say cheese in front of a mouse." You mean that mouse could understand what cheese means? Ralph puts Norton the mouse in the cage that is in the box. He then gives him a big chunk of Fatchuatata's (sp?) cheese with the sauce all over it. Ralph says that he has done what every other scientist has done which is experimenting with the animals that are more close to man. Ralph & Ed sing: "The Mouse." Ed: "Just think of what the mouse has done for man especially Walt Disney."
Ralph comes out and asks Ed to go downstairs to get the mouse. It has been a day since the mouse had that big chunk of cheese with the sauce. Ed: "Trixie the pirana just laid 150 eggs." Ed answers the door. It's Charlie Pineapple. Ed goes downstairs to get the mouse. Charlie says that with the $250 Ralph gave him, he used in a poker game and ran it up to $1500. The girls come in and get introduced to Charlie. Alice: "You're the one who stuck Ralph with that rotten sauce." Charlie, feeling guilty perhaps, gives Ralph back his $250. He wants to buy back the recipe. Ralph won't give him the recipe. Charlie now says he doesn't want the recipe, but he wants to give Ralph back the money. Ralph says no. Ralph: "I know what he is trying to pull. As soon as we make money, he will sue us." Ralph kicks Charlie out. Charlie says that they can't give birth to pirana eggs. Ralph says Trixie gave birth to 150 of them. Trixie, not knowing what Ralph is talking about, is upset. Ralph shows her the pirana fish that they named Trixie. Ralph: "Trixie is the fish and Norton is the mouse." Alice: "And you are the coo-coo." Ed comes in with the box that the mouse is in. Ralph tells what he did with the mouse. Alice: "You put a mouse on a diet." Alice laughs. They get ready to take the "after" picture of the mouse. Ed takes off the top of the box and the mouse has grown to be a VERY GIGANTIC mouse. There is no way in real life that a mouse can get that big espeically after eating the hunk of cheese that Ralph gave him with the sauce all over it (and I'm pretty sure that that was a statue of a mouse). What happened to the cage that the mouse was in? Everyone leaves. Ralph assures the mouse that he will put him on hte same kind of diet that Jackie Gleason went on.
During the curatin call, Jackie says "How sweet it is." He introduces the cast. As Shelia is introduced, she says something that ends in "...you." Not even the MPI Subtitles pick it up. Perhaps she said that she loves him (as a friend of course). Jackie praises the audience and ays "Goodnight!"