Frank Gannucci
08-03-2008, 07:48 AM
"Life upon the Wicked Stage":
(Alice is dressed up as a hula girl. Trixie is dressed up as a sailor. They are rehearsing for a talent contest. Ralph comes in.)
Ralph: "What are you doing and who is he?"
Alice: "That's Trixie."
Ralph (to Trixie): "All right. What are you doing and who is she (Alice)?"
"Be It Ever So Humble":
Ed: "How long is the lease for?"
Ralph: "The usual."
Ed: "What is the usual?"
Ralph: "99 years."
"In Twenty-Five Words Or Less":
(Ralph gets introduced to Happy the puupy dog who is big and around Ralph, he gets vicious.)
Alice: "That's Happy."
Ralph: "He doesn't look happy to me."
"Oh My Aching Back":
(Ed puts a lit match near the thermometer.)
Ed: 'Hey Ralph, what is a normal temperature, around 98 isn't it?"
Ralph: "98.6."
Ed: "What would you say a bad temperature is?"
Ralph: "102. 103. What is it Norton? What is my temperature?"
(A pause.)
Ralph (yells): "WHAT IS MY TEMPERATURE NORTON?"
Ed (starting to cry, yells): "111."
"Quiz Show":
Ed: "I was on a quiz show once. I was so nervous, that I couldn't answer the first question."
Ralph: "What question was that?"
Ed: "My name."
"Head of The House":
Ed: "In my household, I am the boss of the household."
Interviewer: "Mmm-hmm."
Ed: "I think that any man that is afraid of his wife, isn't a man."
Interviewer: "Mmm-hmmm."
Ed: "And I can't stree this too strongly that a husband is the boss."
Interviewer: "Yes?"
Ed: "Now don't quote me because if my wife reads that, she will kill me."
"Head of The House":
Ralph: "Men are responsible for the shape the world is in."
Alice: "Well, I am glad to hear one of you finally admit it."
"Alice Plays Cupid":
Ralph: "How do you know that he (George) is going to like her (Henrietta)?"
Alice: "Because eveybody likes her."
Ralph: "Then why is she still single?"
"Ralph's Diet":
Ralph: "I don't need to diet anymore. I lost a pound."
Alice: "Ralph, when you lose a pound, it's like Bayoone losing a mosquito."
(Alice is dressed up as a hula girl. Trixie is dressed up as a sailor. They are rehearsing for a talent contest. Ralph comes in.)
Ralph: "What are you doing and who is he?"
Alice: "That's Trixie."
Ralph (to Trixie): "All right. What are you doing and who is she (Alice)?"
"Be It Ever So Humble":
Ed: "How long is the lease for?"
Ralph: "The usual."
Ed: "What is the usual?"
Ralph: "99 years."
"In Twenty-Five Words Or Less":
(Ralph gets introduced to Happy the puupy dog who is big and around Ralph, he gets vicious.)
Alice: "That's Happy."
Ralph: "He doesn't look happy to me."
"Oh My Aching Back":
(Ed puts a lit match near the thermometer.)
Ed: 'Hey Ralph, what is a normal temperature, around 98 isn't it?"
Ralph: "98.6."
Ed: "What would you say a bad temperature is?"
Ralph: "102. 103. What is it Norton? What is my temperature?"
(A pause.)
Ralph (yells): "WHAT IS MY TEMPERATURE NORTON?"
Ed (starting to cry, yells): "111."
"Quiz Show":
Ed: "I was on a quiz show once. I was so nervous, that I couldn't answer the first question."
Ralph: "What question was that?"
Ed: "My name."
"Head of The House":
Ed: "In my household, I am the boss of the household."
Interviewer: "Mmm-hmm."
Ed: "I think that any man that is afraid of his wife, isn't a man."
Interviewer: "Mmm-hmmm."
Ed: "And I can't stree this too strongly that a husband is the boss."
Interviewer: "Yes?"
Ed: "Now don't quote me because if my wife reads that, she will kill me."
"Head of The House":
Ralph: "Men are responsible for the shape the world is in."
Alice: "Well, I am glad to hear one of you finally admit it."
"Alice Plays Cupid":
Ralph: "How do you know that he (George) is going to like her (Henrietta)?"
Alice: "Because eveybody likes her."
Ralph: "Then why is she still single?"
"Ralph's Diet":
Ralph: "I don't need to diet anymore. I lost a pound."
Alice: "Ralph, when you lose a pound, it's like Bayoone losing a mosquito."