What!?? More #%%$#$% quotes?

[Ohio8]

M*A*S*H(From the finale movie): The loudspeaker: "Ladies and gentlemen: five minutes ago at 10:01 a.m., the truce was signed at Panmuonjon. The hostilities will end twelve hours from now. The was is over!!!"
OR radio: "There it is, that's the sound of peace."

Step by Step/Karen: "The mall is where I spend my day, from pretzel stand to lingerie. The shoes and purses, the choice is hard. Oh heck, put them all on my credit card."
That 70s Show/Hyde: "Looks like Shelly has a thing for Forman." Fez: "Yes and Forman has a thing for Shelly......and it's in his pants."
The Munsters/Herman (to Eddie): "It doesn't matter what you look like. You can be tall or short, or fat or thin, or ugly or handsome -- like your father. You can be black or yellow or white. It doesn't matter. What does matter is the size of your heart and the strength of your character."

Happy Days/Ritchie (to Joanie): "What's the secret?" Joanie: "You got home at two o'clock last night." Ritchie: "That's no secret." Joanie: "It is to Dad." Ritchie: "You're cruisin' for a bruising, kid." Joanie: "Oh yeahhh? You'll have to catch me first."

[Ohio8]

Happy Days/Howard: "Well I guess Arnold couldn't compete with Clark Gable." Ritchie: "Nobody can." Fonzie: "Heeyyyyyy." Ritchie: "Well, almost nobody..."
Friends/Chandler: "Wait a minute, I know that hat....I was taken aboard that hat. They did experiments on me.....I can't have children...."
What I Like About You/Gary: "...and that brave turkey.......was the last turkey my family ever ate."
Just Shoot Me/Jack (to Elliott): "Why can't she see through this guy??" Elliott: "It's the hair, it's always the hair"
Green Acres/Lisa (to deputy sheriff): "He was reincarcerated."

Mork & Mindy/Mork (on phone in singles bar): "Hello.........well I don't think I have one of those, maybe my friend does.....well, if that was true I'd have to be eight feet tall."
The Brady Bunch/Greg (to Peter): "Hey. You can't argue with that." Peter: "I guess that's why he's a dad. And why we're just guys." Bobby: "Yeah. He thinks better." Mike: "Thanks, Bobby."
Cindy: "I'm a lady. If you say I'm not, I'll bop you!"

[PlayOn]

(Mama's Family)
Fran: Do I live in a barn yard?!
Mama: No. You live a house, but I think you belong in a home.
***

(The Golden Girls)

Rose: Thank you.....?
Sophia: Sophia.
Rose: Sophia.
Sophia: You're welcome....?
Rose: Rose.
Dorothy: Any wonder why we get nursing home brochures by the truck load?
***

[factsoflife]

The Golden Girls:

Dorothy: Get over here you deceitful little cicilan geckio (to sophia)

Rose: I know what i'm talking about i watch La Law
Dorothy: L.A. Law Rose, L.A. Law

Rose: oh please, i haven't had a farmer in the dell phone since i was in my 50's.


Will & Grace:

Karen: I'm so nervous, the last time i was on a date Bush was president and we were at war

Jack: guys don't make passes at guys with fat asses (about will)

Grace: Oh, that is so Party Of Five

Desperate Housewives:

Edie (to a guy she's asking out): Oh, you're so far out of your leaque that were not even playing the same game

Desinging Women:

Mary-Jo (talking about plus size clothing stores): and have you noticed that when it's in a really nice area it has a name like "women of disctintcion" but when it's for poor fat people it's just called something like "big girls"

Suzanne: Okay sure i've put on a lot of weight lately, but you people act like i should be ordering dresses from Georgia tent and awning.

Bernice: Black man, black man

Julia: Suzanne if sex were fast food there'd be an arch over your bed

Carlene: you know Alison, you remind me of someone i saw on the discovery channel last night
Alison: and who might that be?
Carlene: Adolf hitler

Julia: Yes, and I gather from your comments there are a couple of other things you don't know, Marjorie. For example, you probably didn't know that Suzanne was the only contestant in Georgia pageant history to sweep every category except congeniality, and that is not something the women in my family aspire to anyway. Or that when she walked down the runway in her swimsuit, five contestants quit on the spot. Or that when she emerged from the isolation booth to answer the question, "What would you do to prevent war?" she spoke so eloquently of patriotism, battlefields and diamond tiaras, grown men wept. And you probably didn't know, Marjorie, that Suzanne was not just any Miss Georgia, she was the Miss Georgia. She didn't twirl just a baton, that baton was on fire. And when she threw that baton into the air, it flew higher, further, faster than any baton has ever flown before, hitting a transformer and showering the darkened arena with sparks! And when it finally did come down, Marjorie, my sister caught that baton, and 12,000 people jumped to their feet for sixteen and one-half minutes of uninterrupted thunderous ovation, as flames illuminated her tear-stained face! And that, Marjorie - just so you will know - and your children will someday know - is the night the lights went out in Georgia!

How I met Your Mother:

Barney: Haveeeeeeeeee you met Ted?

[treky]

"MASH"
Hot Lips: "Just a moment, isn't that Franks bag"?
Trapper: "I thought you were Franks bag".

From the pilot-
Hawkeye (to Hot Lips) :
"Later baby".
Hot Lips-"That's Major to you"!
Hawkeye-"OK, Major baby".

[Ohio8]

Friends/Chandler: "Wait a minute, I know that hat......I was taken aboard that hat. They did experiments on me...I can't have children....."

The Munsters/Lily: "How do you want your eggs, Grandpa?" Grandpa: "Gloomy side up, please." Herman: "What's all this talk about fiends and monsters? There's no such thing."

Three's Company/Chrissy: "You know, if women ran the world there'd be none of these stupid wars!" Mr. Roper: "Yeah, all the countries would nag each other to death!"
Jack: "Why did she call me a rat?" Janet: "Because you're a pig!"

Step by Step/Karen: "If you're accusing me of being irresistable to men, then I'd have to plead gulity as charged. It is a burden that only I and a handful of supermodels understand!"
Suite Life of Zack & Cody/London (to Maddie): "Oh, I know all about genealogy. It's where you you rub a lamp and get three wishes." Maddie: "I've met bread smarter than you...."

[PlayOn]

I Love Lucy
Lucy: Eeeeewww!
***
Ricky: 'Splain.
(instead of explain)

[treky]

THE ODD COUPLE/Felix to Oscar-"Oscar, Oscar, Oscar"!

[Ohio8]

The Munsters/Herman: "See? I told you there was no such thing as monsters."
8 Simple Rules/Cate (to Bridget/Kerry): "There is no right way to deal with this."
The Beverly Hillbillies/Granny: "Politicians are a rich man's tool."

[treky]

THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES

Jed: "Elly May carries herself proud...throws her shoulders back".

Granny: "It ain't her shoulders that's bustin' them buttons".






Pearl: "Jed, you kin do anythin' ya want...go anywhere ya want"!
Jed: "Yea, that's another thing that Mr. Brewster kept sayin'. 'Mr. Clampett' he said 'ah reckon you'll be wantin' ta' move out o' here now'. What do ya' think Pearl? Think we oughta move"?
Pearl: "Jed..how kin ya even ask? Look aroun' ya. You're livin in a one room cabin, you're cookin on a wood fire, you're drinkin' home made moonshine, day and night. And your bathroom's three feet from th' house...and you want ta' know if you should move"!
Jed: "Yea, ah guess you're right. Ah wouldn't want t' give up all this".

[Ohio8]

Full House/Michelle (to Stephanie): "May I have your cupcake, please?" Stephanie: "No, you may not." Michelle: "But I was polite and said please." Stephanie: "I was polite, too. I said, No, you may not." Michelle: "Guess what? Politeness Week is over. Give me that!" (Michelle grabs Stephanie's cupcake and runs off, followed by Stephanie.) Stephanie: "How rude."

Kimmy (to D.J.): "Your sister is such a tattle-tale." Stephanie: "I am not and I'm telling you said that."

Danny: "HEY. I don't yell, I guide."

Jesse: "Joseph, it's finally happened! He's cleaning soap!" Danny: "Don't be silly. I'm just cleaning my rubber gloves." Joey: "Danny, there's no shame in therapy."


Yes, Dear/(Greg and Kim are kissing and Jimmy walks in.) Jimmy: "Get a room." Greg: "Get a house."

[treky]

THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES

(Jed and Jethro are trying to enroll Jethro in a prestigious private school)

Mrs. Potts (the headmistress): "You do know we charge tuition".
Jed: "Does thet mean money"?
Mrs. Potts: "Yes it does, and it is quite beyond your means, I am sure".
Jed: "Well ma'mm Ah thought of thet, an' anythin's ok, as long as it's not over twenty-five million".
Mrs. Potts: "TWENTY-FIVE...MILLION"?
Jed: "Yes, ma'mm".
Mrs. Potts: "You have twenty-five million dollars"?
Jed: "Yes ma'mm".
Jethro: "In cash".
Jed: "Yes ma'mm".
Mrs. Potts: "You expect me to believe that you have that much money"?
Jed: "Well, not on me, ya see my neighbor, Mr. Drysdale, he's holdin' on ta it for me, down t' his bank. An' he's not chargin' me nothin' fer it".

[Ohio8]

Wings Brian: "Because if you can't laugh at yourself.....laugh at somebody else." Lowell: "Okay but it won't be half as funny."
Joe: "Lowell, where are you going?" Lowell: "Oh, to clear my mind." Roy: "Shouldn't take long. One good sneeze ought to do it."

Roy: "Roy Biggins doesn't pay for sex. Roy Biggins, Inc. pays for sex." Lewis (to Helen): "Ya know, I have a camera that shoots in the dark." Helen: "Yeah, I got a gun that does that same thing."

[littlebelle]

Sabrina/Libby Chessler: (walking down hallway and labeling random students in the hall) Freak, loser... loser, freak, geek cluster"

[Big C]

Step by Step/Karen: "The mall is where I spend my day, from pretzel stand to lingerie. The shoes and purses, the choice is hard. Oh heck, put them all on my credit card."

I totally love Karen... ditto for littlebelle.

[Big C]

Sabrina/Libby Chessler: (walking down hallway and labeling random students in the hall) Freak, loser... loser, freak, geek cluster"

Actually, I think it was "freak, loser, loser-freak."

[dakert]

Three's Company:

one of Jack's girlfriends: I want your baby
Jack Tripper: I dont have a baby

LOL

[littlebelle]

Actually, I think it was "freak, loser, loser-freak."


Yeah I wasn't sure if she was actually calling one person a "loser-freak" or if she called one person a loser, and one person a freak.

[Ohio8]

Happy Days/Jenny: "I wouldn't miss this for a weekend with the Green Bay Packers as their towel girl!"

[treky]

"THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES"

Miss Jane: "I hear Jethro went to Oxford"?
Jed: "Yes ma'mm, that he did"!
Miss Jane: "I suppose he also went to Eaton"?
Jed: "If ah know Jethro...he went ta' eatin' as soon as he was born".


later in the same scene-
Miss Jane: "If he went to Eaton, he must have majored in something. What was it"?
Jed" "eatin' "
Miss Jane: "No, I mean what sport? Cricket"?
Jed: "No ma'mm, it was crawdads. Ah don't think even Jethro would eat a cricket".

[Ohio8]

Green Acres/Oliver: "There's something wrong with the carburetor." Eb: "Yeah, it needs a new tractor on it!"
Home Improvement/(Randy and Wilson are talking in Spanish w/English subtitles): Randy: "Hey, Wilson. What are you doing?" Wilosn: "I'm roasting my nuts." Mark: "That must really hurt."

[treky]

"GREEN ACRES"-Oliver is looking under the bed for something, while calling "LISA"!
(Lisa walks in) "Well I'm not under there"!

[Ohio8]

Just the Ten of Us/Graham: "This isn't like New York, where you open the door and there's hundreds of people of all sizes, shapes, and perversions!"
Wendy: "Tramp. tramp, tramp! Y'know, you say that so often, sometimes I think you really want to be one, Marie!" Marie: "And spend my days lusting after tall, handsome men who...strut and flex their shapely buttocks...I think not!"
Marie: "Connie, you can't blame inanimate objects. I've tried!"
Elizabeth: "Marie! Don't pray in front of the TV! That's Satan's altar!"
Cindy: "Oh, no! Ovaltines and Ho Hos!" Connie: "She'll be pregnant by sun-up!"
Connie: "I'd rather shave my legs with a chainsaw."

The Andy Griffith Show/Barney (to Helen): "Strange?? He's a first-rate, grade-A, number-one nuuutt." (Helen leaves.) Barney: "Look, Andy....a sensitive, delicate situation like this has got to be handled a certain way....Now why don't I take him out in back of the jailhouse and kick him around a little bit?" Andy: "He'd kill you."

(Andy and Barney talk.) Barney: " 'course gettin' him to understand it, now that's somethin' else....I still say a good battin' around would be the only real answer." Andy: "He'd kill you."

[Ohio8]

The Golden Girls/Gloria*: "This woman's pathetic." Sophia: "Ohhhhhh big news. Tear out the front page."

*: Murder mystery player.

[*Pleasant Tomorrow*]

"Now hear this! I'm an easy-going guy. Live and let live I always say. What's good for the goose is nobody else's business but the gander's. But sometimes you gotta draw the line. Call 'em as you see 'em! Stand up and be counted! The buck stops here! Is that clear?! Now, this wasn't easy for me to say, but you two had it coming!"

-Mr. Furley after he overhears Jack and Larry talking and thinks that they are having a gay affair

[Ohio8]

Sanford & Son/Esther (to Mr; Grayson): "Yes, I'm Miss Esther Anderson." Fred: "Better known as 'Dog face Afternoon'."

Fred: "I don't believe it!.......a white Esther." Mrs. Channing: "Excuse me, sir...
perhaps I can be of help to you the doorman's convention is downstairs." Fred: "Uh, perhaps I can be of help to you!" (Fred looks around, then continues): "The dogcatcher's on his way up." Mrs. Channing: "Well Iiii never...." Fred: "Well, maybe if you would try wearin' a mask."

Night Court/Mr. Blum: "...I saw the whole thing....unclothed bodies writhing around in the grass...contorted dances of lust. Screams of sexual delight."

[Ohio8]

M*A*S*H/Henry: "There once was a young lady from Kent, who took off her..." Hawkeye: "Steady, Henry." Trapper (to Hawkeye): "He's an idiot. But he's really stacked." Frank: "Ohhh you." Hawkeye: "We are not."

Seinfeld/(Elaine starts to dance.) Jerry: "Please. Please. Not in my house."

Married...with Children/Mr. Pittman (to Al): "...and while we're on the subject, keep your daughter away from my son." Al: "Well she was probably just lendin' him a dress."

[Ohio8]

According to Jim/Heaven's gate keeper (to Jim): "You've been red flagged." Jim: "Ah hell." HGK: "Potentially, yes."
Andy: "...you don't get over a broken heart without a little liver damage."

M*A*S*H/Col. Potter: "Practical jokes." Radar: "I'm glad I'm not one"
Potter: "...are walking into a holocaust." Radar: "Oh golly." Col. Potter: "You
said it brother."

Newhart/(Larry's, Darryl's and Darryl's wives are arguing.) Both Darryls:
"QUIET!!" Dick (to Larry): "Your-your brothers can speak. Why didn't they say anything up 'til now?" Larry: "I guess they've never been this PO'd before."

Offscreen voice: "FOORE!" Dick: "You're all crazy!" (A stray golf ball beans Dick, knocking him out and to the ground.)

Emily (to Bob): "(What) do you mean 'beautiful blonde'?" Bob: "Go to sleep, Emily....You know, uh,...you really have to wear more sweaters."

[Ohio8]

M*A*S*H/Hawkeye (to Trapper): "A word about today's lunch: Don't."
Col. Potter (to Radar): "Enjoy the mystery."

The Odd Couple/Felix (to Louie): "Why don't you move to a better neighborhood?" Louie: "Because the nearest better neighborhood is in Ohio."
Sanford and Son/Bubba: "...I love that show Fred....It's just like it was a direct copy from your life." Fred: "Yeah."

Bubba: "Yeah, meean old father." Fred: "Wait a minute." Bubba: "The dumb son." Lamont: "_________ Bubba!" Bubba: "The ugly sister-in-law." Esther: "Watch it sucka." BubbaL "And the stupid frie-- (laughs)." Grady: "You too hard on yourself Bubba."

[Ohio8]

Seinfeld//Elaine (to Jerry): "Why do you have to be so. Jokey?" Jerry: "I'm a comedian."

[Ohio8]

Get Smart/Bird: "KOAS forever. KAOS forever." (Maxwell points his gun at the bird.) 99 (horrified): "Maz." Maxwell: "He may be a harmless little bird, 99, but he's got a big mouth."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"There are no answers." -- R.E.M.

[Rosslover]

"Im losing my mind. I gave a discharge to a sheep who's now on a plane to become Radar's little brother." Henry on M*A*S*H*

"Put him down, you can't twirl an officer!" Hot Lips M*A*S*H*

"i've been on dasher, on prancer , on vixen , on comet , on cupid, on donner , but not on blitzen...he likes to watch ok" Karen on W/G

"You're drunk! Hot Lips
"Now that's an out and out lie and I intend to press charges ..the minute I'm sober." Henry

"no no what are you dong?
Get off my sister!" Ross on FRIENDS

"Where's colonel bubblehead?" HL

"he's asked not not to be disturbed." Radar

"He already is disturbed ," HL


"To Pierce and McIntire
to their all night binges
to their secret nurse ceremonies and capatulated with full details of their last Thanksgivings come as your favorite nude pilgrim party."
Hot Lips

"we'll miss you in our hearts " Hawkeve
"and in the shower." Trapper

[treky]

from the pilot of "THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES".
Jed walks into the cabin, Granny is sitting sewing.

Granny: "Jed, you've got to do somethin' 'bout that wild daughter o' yours".
Jed: "What's she done now"?
Granny: "Look"! (holds up Elly shirt) "She done ripped another button off'a her shirt agin".
Jed: "How'd she do that"?
Granny: "Wrasslin' with a bobcat".
Jed: "Get hurt"?
Granny: "Ah reckon so, it went limpin off on 3 laigs"!
"Pretty soon th' boys'll be comin' roun', wantin' ta court her".
Jed: "They already done thet".
Granny: "An' what did she do"?
Jed: "She wipped th' tar out of 'em"
Granny: "She's gittin' too old ta' be wearin' mens duds, an' wrasslin with bobcats. She oughta stay aroun' the cabin with me, doin' womans work like cookin' an' cleanin' an' mindin' th' still".
Jed: "Elly May's proud...throws her shoulders back".
Granny: "It's not her shoulders that's bustin' them buttons".

[factsoflife]

Ally McBeal:

Georgia (to Ally): Ally, what makes your problems so much bigger than everybody elses?

Ally: Because they're mine.


Ally: When guys are presistant it's romantic, they make movies about that. When it's a woman, they cast Glenn Close.

Ally: Maybe i'm happy and i just don't know it.

Ally: Were woman, we have double standards to live up too.

[treky]

"THE HONEYMOONERS"

Ralph: "THIS IS THE BIGGEST THING I EVER GOT INTO"!

Alice: "THE BIGGEST THING YOU EVER GOT INTO IS YOUR PANTS"!

[Ohio8]

All in the Family/Irene: "Isn't it wonderful when he's passionate?"
Archie: "You can't teach an old dingbat new tricks." "What's wrong with revenge? It's the poifect way to get even!" Paul Benjamin: "You can't talk to a bullet!"

Becker/John: "My subconscious is none of by business." Linda (to John):
"When you assume, you make an ass out of me."

Seinfeld/Jerry "An overdose of odor.....Good question."