Frank Gannucci
11-03-2007, 11:53 PM
(Ralph & Ed are sitting down on the steps of their apartment building.)
Ralph: “So Norton, who are you going to vote for?”
Ed: “Me? I am not going to vote.”
Ralph: “You are not going to vote? Why?”
Ed: “Going out to the polls to vote is too much trouble.”
Ralph: “Trouble? You don’t even know what trouble is. A long time ago, a group of pilgrims left England for a ship to sail to America. They had nothing to eat. It was a long trip. The waves were rough and a couple of times, they wanted to turn back. But, they forged ahead and when they landed in America, they had to fight the Indians in freezing weather. They did all of this just so you can vote.”
Ed: “If they knew about me, they could have saved themselves the trip.”
Ralph: “You’re voting Norton. You will be pulling for the same guy I will be pulling for. I am pulling for a guy named Harvey Penrose for this district. He will see to it that the garbage gets collected twice a week. My Alice is voting for a guy named Walter Grogan. According to her, Walter is going to build new schools and help implement 311 for this area so we can call when something goes wrong. We don’t need that. All we have to do is yell on the street.”
Ed: “If something goes wrong in the sewer, all I have to do is tell you and your yelling voice will be loud enough.”
Ralph: “Oh, you are a real riot Norton.”
Ed: “As a mtter of fact, I think I will vote.”
Ralph: “Good.”
Ed: “I am voting for Walter Grogan.”
Ralph: “Good…” (yells): “WHAT!”
Ed: “Well, he sounds like he can give a lot of good to Brooklyn.”
Ralph: “You are voting for HARVEY PENROSE. You are voting for the other guy over my dead body.”
Ed: “I couldn’t do that. What do you think I am, a mountain climber?”
Ralph (yells): “ALL RIGHT NORTON! PUT ‘EM UP! PUT ‘EM UP! PUT ‘EM UP NORTON! PUT ‘EM UP! VOTE FOR HARVEY.”
Ed (yells): “VOTE FOR WALTER.”
(People come walking by.)
Man: “Boy, talk about people getting seriosu about their candidates.”
Ralph: “He’s right Norton. I’m sorry.”
Ed: “So am I. Let the best man win.”
Ralph: “Yes.”
Ed: “And hopefully that man will be Walter.”
(Ralph chases after Ed.)
(Jackie Gleason walks out.)
Jackie: “As usual, the Miami Beach audiences are the BEST! GOOD NIGHT!”
"We're Off To See The Wizard":
(The girls are upset that the boys paid Emma and Clarance $200. Emma & Clarance fooled the boys ino thinking that there was buried treasure and sold them the map that guided them to the place where the "treasure" was for $200.)
Alice: "You two have cost us $200."
Ed: "$208. We paid Clarance $8 to borrow the shovel from him."
"The Main Event":
Ralph: "Alice, come on out. Dynamite is here."
(Alice slams the bedroom door.)
Ralph: "I guess that she is still asleep."
"Goodbye Aunt Ethel Part 2":
(Aunt Ethel and Fred are alone in the kitchen. A record is being played.)
(Ed comes in.)
Ed: "Howdy folks. I heard the phonograph playing. I thought you would like some of my records better. Here is a good one."
(Ed puts it on.)
(Loud big band music plays. Ed dances to it.)
(Ralph comes out and takes Ed's record off.)
Ralph (yells): "GET OUT! GET OUT!"
"Alice & The Blonde":
Ralph: "It just so happens that the Raccoon Lodge is going through a
financial crisis. And I'm the Treasurer Alice, I'm responsible. If I don't get some money into that treasury you know what might happen? The Bensonhurst chapter of the Raccoon Lodge may no longer be! Do you know what that means?"
Alice: "Yeah, real estate values in Bensonhurst will go up 100%."
"Follow The Boys":
Ralph: "My dad once said this: 'For one of a sock, a shoe was lost. For one of a shoe, a horse was lost. For one of a horse, a war was lost. For one of a war...for one of a war...it was all lost.'"
Alice: "Yeah? Why don't you get lost?"
"Young Man With A Horn":
Ralph: "I don't remember the song I used to play on this cornette. I got the music right here."
(Ralph plays the cornette. No sound is heard.)
Alice: "Not so loud Ralph. You will disturb the neighbors."
"Young Man With A Horn":
(Ralph has been playing the cornete badly.)
Ralph: "Norton, would you mind taking these clothes upstairs to put on the clothesline?"
Ed: "Are you going to play the cornette?"
Ralph: "Yes."
Ed (taking the clothes): "I will be very happy too."
"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":
(Ed helps Ralph rehearse. Ralph is in the bedroom waiting to get out.)
Ed (reading the script): "Hello there!" (not reading): "Testing. Testing 1-2-3-4. Testing. Woof! Woof! Testing."
Ralph (opening the door): "Let's get going."
"Songs & Witty Sayings Part 1":
Ralph (to Alice): "Napolean had Josephine behind him. Who do I have behind me?" (yells): "DON'T YOU DARE!"
(Ralph is ashamed that Ed is standing behind him.)
Ralph (normally): "Now go to bed."
Alice: "Ahhh."
(Alice closes the door.)
Ralph (to Alice): "Oh, you're flirting with death."
Ralph: “So Norton, who are you going to vote for?”
Ed: “Me? I am not going to vote.”
Ralph: “You are not going to vote? Why?”
Ed: “Going out to the polls to vote is too much trouble.”
Ralph: “Trouble? You don’t even know what trouble is. A long time ago, a group of pilgrims left England for a ship to sail to America. They had nothing to eat. It was a long trip. The waves were rough and a couple of times, they wanted to turn back. But, they forged ahead and when they landed in America, they had to fight the Indians in freezing weather. They did all of this just so you can vote.”
Ed: “If they knew about me, they could have saved themselves the trip.”
Ralph: “You’re voting Norton. You will be pulling for the same guy I will be pulling for. I am pulling for a guy named Harvey Penrose for this district. He will see to it that the garbage gets collected twice a week. My Alice is voting for a guy named Walter Grogan. According to her, Walter is going to build new schools and help implement 311 for this area so we can call when something goes wrong. We don’t need that. All we have to do is yell on the street.”
Ed: “If something goes wrong in the sewer, all I have to do is tell you and your yelling voice will be loud enough.”
Ralph: “Oh, you are a real riot Norton.”
Ed: “As a mtter of fact, I think I will vote.”
Ralph: “Good.”
Ed: “I am voting for Walter Grogan.”
Ralph: “Good…” (yells): “WHAT!”
Ed: “Well, he sounds like he can give a lot of good to Brooklyn.”
Ralph: “You are voting for HARVEY PENROSE. You are voting for the other guy over my dead body.”
Ed: “I couldn’t do that. What do you think I am, a mountain climber?”
Ralph (yells): “ALL RIGHT NORTON! PUT ‘EM UP! PUT ‘EM UP! PUT ‘EM UP NORTON! PUT ‘EM UP! VOTE FOR HARVEY.”
Ed (yells): “VOTE FOR WALTER.”
(People come walking by.)
Man: “Boy, talk about people getting seriosu about their candidates.”
Ralph: “He’s right Norton. I’m sorry.”
Ed: “So am I. Let the best man win.”
Ralph: “Yes.”
Ed: “And hopefully that man will be Walter.”
(Ralph chases after Ed.)
(Jackie Gleason walks out.)
Jackie: “As usual, the Miami Beach audiences are the BEST! GOOD NIGHT!”
"We're Off To See The Wizard":
(The girls are upset that the boys paid Emma and Clarance $200. Emma & Clarance fooled the boys ino thinking that there was buried treasure and sold them the map that guided them to the place where the "treasure" was for $200.)
Alice: "You two have cost us $200."
Ed: "$208. We paid Clarance $8 to borrow the shovel from him."
"The Main Event":
Ralph: "Alice, come on out. Dynamite is here."
(Alice slams the bedroom door.)
Ralph: "I guess that she is still asleep."
"Goodbye Aunt Ethel Part 2":
(Aunt Ethel and Fred are alone in the kitchen. A record is being played.)
(Ed comes in.)
Ed: "Howdy folks. I heard the phonograph playing. I thought you would like some of my records better. Here is a good one."
(Ed puts it on.)
(Loud big band music plays. Ed dances to it.)
(Ralph comes out and takes Ed's record off.)
Ralph (yells): "GET OUT! GET OUT!"
"Alice & The Blonde":
Ralph: "It just so happens that the Raccoon Lodge is going through a
financial crisis. And I'm the Treasurer Alice, I'm responsible. If I don't get some money into that treasury you know what might happen? The Bensonhurst chapter of the Raccoon Lodge may no longer be! Do you know what that means?"
Alice: "Yeah, real estate values in Bensonhurst will go up 100%."
"Follow The Boys":
Ralph: "My dad once said this: 'For one of a sock, a shoe was lost. For one of a shoe, a horse was lost. For one of a horse, a war was lost. For one of a war...for one of a war...it was all lost.'"
Alice: "Yeah? Why don't you get lost?"
"Young Man With A Horn":
Ralph: "I don't remember the song I used to play on this cornette. I got the music right here."
(Ralph plays the cornette. No sound is heard.)
Alice: "Not so loud Ralph. You will disturb the neighbors."
"Young Man With A Horn":
(Ralph has been playing the cornete badly.)
Ralph: "Norton, would you mind taking these clothes upstairs to put on the clothesline?"
Ed: "Are you going to play the cornette?"
Ralph: "Yes."
Ed (taking the clothes): "I will be very happy too."
"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":
(Ed helps Ralph rehearse. Ralph is in the bedroom waiting to get out.)
Ed (reading the script): "Hello there!" (not reading): "Testing. Testing 1-2-3-4. Testing. Woof! Woof! Testing."
Ralph (opening the door): "Let's get going."
"Songs & Witty Sayings Part 1":
Ralph (to Alice): "Napolean had Josephine behind him. Who do I have behind me?" (yells): "DON'T YOU DARE!"
(Ralph is ashamed that Ed is standing behind him.)
Ralph (normally): "Now go to bed."
Alice: "Ahhh."
(Alice closes the door.)
Ralph (to Alice): "Oh, you're flirting with death."