Frank Gannucci
10-09-2007, 10:30 PM
(The Cleveland Indians win the ALDS 3 games to 1 by beating the NY Yankees 6-4.)
(Alice & Trixie are playing cards on the kitchen table.)
Alice: "The boys ought to be home any minute. I wonder how the game went."
Trixie: "Me too. Ed & Ralph seemd so happy that the Yanks might win."
Ralph & Ed (from the hallway, yell): "FIRE TORRE! FIRE TORRE! FIRE TORRE! FIRE TORRE!"
(Ralph & Ed enter withn angry looks on their faces. The audience applauds.)
Alice: "I take it that the Yanks lost."
Ralph: "You said it. That Joe Torre has lost his touch. If they don't fire him, then the Yanks will lose another chance at the postseason next year. I guarantee it. Joe has that outdated philosphy that states that you should only count on the hitters and pay little or no attention to the bullpen."
Ed: "Me too. 'Clueless' Joe."
Alice: "What was the score?"
Ralph: "It was a slaughter. 6-4."
Ed: "Yeah. I never cried so much in my life."
McGarrity (imitating John Sterling from upstairs, yells): "THE INDIANS WIN! TH-E-E-E-E-E-E INDIANS WIN."
Ralph (yells): "HOW DARE THAT MCGARRITY!"
(Ralph goes to the window and sticks his head out.)
Ralph (yells): "MCGARRITY! LET'S GO! YOU AND ME OUTSIDE! NOW!"
McGarrity (yells): "YOU ARE ON KRAMDEN! YOU WOULDN'T LAST TWO SECONDS DUE TO YOUR WEIGHT! YOU WILL LOSE JUST LIKE THE YANKEES!"
(Ralph goes outside to fight McGarrity. The cops come along and arrest both men.)
Ralph (yells): "I GOT A BIIIIG MOUTH!"
(Jackie Gleason walks on stage.)
Jackie: "Time to introduce the cast. First Jean Kean."
(Jane walks out and greets Gleason.)
Jackie: "Audrey Meadows."
(Audrey comes out and greets Gleason.)
Jackie: "Art Carney."
(Art comes out and greets Gleason.)
Jackie: "Good night!"
"Vacation At Fred's Landing" (1954 version):
(A "real" bear comes to Ed. Ed thinks that it's Ralph in disguise. Ralph is in back of Ed.)
Ralph: "Norton, I am over here."
Ed (yells in fright): "EEE!"
"The Loudspeaker":
Ed: "You got a call from the Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler, the emperor of all Raccoondoom? I don't believe it."
Ralph: "Sure you don't because you never got a call from him."
Ed: "He doesn't have to call me. He works right beside me in the sewer."
"A Weighty Problem Part 2":
(Ralph is eating a stick of celery with a fork and knife right by him.)
Alice: "Ralph, how do you like your supper?"
(A pause.)
Ralph (yells): "YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT THAT WAS MY SUPPER?" (picking up the utensils, yells): "WHAT ARE THESE THINGS FOR, TO COMMIT SUICIDE WITH?"
"Dial J For Janitor":
(Ed is trying to bang his pipes to get water for his apartment. Ralph goes to the window and sticks his head out.)
Ralph (yells): "NORTON, WOULD YOU STOP THAT BANGING? I GOT A
HEADACHE."
Ed (from upstairs, yells): "I NEED WATER. I NEED TO TAKE A BATH."
Ralph (yells): "DO ME A FAVOR AND STAY DIRTY JUST FOR THE NIGHT."
"A Promotion Part 1":
Ralph: "I know how to throw my weight around."
Alice: "If you did, you wouldn't leave it where it is."
"Young At Heart":
Ralph: "This isn't a crazy costume. This is waht all of us cats wear. I got it! I got it! I'm hip! Ready to go! I'm gone! Gone!"
Alice: "You are gone all right."
"Sleepy Time Gal":
Ralph: "What's the sense of saving money if you can't take it with you?"
Alice: "You are right I can't. I never go any place."
"You're In The Picture":
Alice: "You look like you have lipstick on your face Ralph."
Ralph: "Oh, I cut myself shaving this morning."
Alice: "You cut yourself shaving and only now you are starting to bleed?"
Ed: "Well with the way Ralph is built, it takes a long time for his blood to reach the surface."
"Ralph Goes Hollywood":
(Pete from Pettskill Studios confronts Ralph about how much money he is spending that Peetskill Studios will have to pay.)
Pete: "Ralph Kramden, who do you think you are, Jackie Gleason?"
Ralph: "How dare you Jackie Gleason! I'm not that nuts."
(Alice & Trixie are playing cards on the kitchen table.)
Alice: "The boys ought to be home any minute. I wonder how the game went."
Trixie: "Me too. Ed & Ralph seemd so happy that the Yanks might win."
Ralph & Ed (from the hallway, yell): "FIRE TORRE! FIRE TORRE! FIRE TORRE! FIRE TORRE!"
(Ralph & Ed enter withn angry looks on their faces. The audience applauds.)
Alice: "I take it that the Yanks lost."
Ralph: "You said it. That Joe Torre has lost his touch. If they don't fire him, then the Yanks will lose another chance at the postseason next year. I guarantee it. Joe has that outdated philosphy that states that you should only count on the hitters and pay little or no attention to the bullpen."
Ed: "Me too. 'Clueless' Joe."
Alice: "What was the score?"
Ralph: "It was a slaughter. 6-4."
Ed: "Yeah. I never cried so much in my life."
McGarrity (imitating John Sterling from upstairs, yells): "THE INDIANS WIN! TH-E-E-E-E-E-E INDIANS WIN."
Ralph (yells): "HOW DARE THAT MCGARRITY!"
(Ralph goes to the window and sticks his head out.)
Ralph (yells): "MCGARRITY! LET'S GO! YOU AND ME OUTSIDE! NOW!"
McGarrity (yells): "YOU ARE ON KRAMDEN! YOU WOULDN'T LAST TWO SECONDS DUE TO YOUR WEIGHT! YOU WILL LOSE JUST LIKE THE YANKEES!"
(Ralph goes outside to fight McGarrity. The cops come along and arrest both men.)
Ralph (yells): "I GOT A BIIIIG MOUTH!"
(Jackie Gleason walks on stage.)
Jackie: "Time to introduce the cast. First Jean Kean."
(Jane walks out and greets Gleason.)
Jackie: "Audrey Meadows."
(Audrey comes out and greets Gleason.)
Jackie: "Art Carney."
(Art comes out and greets Gleason.)
Jackie: "Good night!"
"Vacation At Fred's Landing" (1954 version):
(A "real" bear comes to Ed. Ed thinks that it's Ralph in disguise. Ralph is in back of Ed.)
Ralph: "Norton, I am over here."
Ed (yells in fright): "EEE!"
"The Loudspeaker":
Ed: "You got a call from the Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler, the emperor of all Raccoondoom? I don't believe it."
Ralph: "Sure you don't because you never got a call from him."
Ed: "He doesn't have to call me. He works right beside me in the sewer."
"A Weighty Problem Part 2":
(Ralph is eating a stick of celery with a fork and knife right by him.)
Alice: "Ralph, how do you like your supper?"
(A pause.)
Ralph (yells): "YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT THAT WAS MY SUPPER?" (picking up the utensils, yells): "WHAT ARE THESE THINGS FOR, TO COMMIT SUICIDE WITH?"
"Dial J For Janitor":
(Ed is trying to bang his pipes to get water for his apartment. Ralph goes to the window and sticks his head out.)
Ralph (yells): "NORTON, WOULD YOU STOP THAT BANGING? I GOT A
HEADACHE."
Ed (from upstairs, yells): "I NEED WATER. I NEED TO TAKE A BATH."
Ralph (yells): "DO ME A FAVOR AND STAY DIRTY JUST FOR THE NIGHT."
"A Promotion Part 1":
Ralph: "I know how to throw my weight around."
Alice: "If you did, you wouldn't leave it where it is."
"Young At Heart":
Ralph: "This isn't a crazy costume. This is waht all of us cats wear. I got it! I got it! I'm hip! Ready to go! I'm gone! Gone!"
Alice: "You are gone all right."
"Sleepy Time Gal":
Ralph: "What's the sense of saving money if you can't take it with you?"
Alice: "You are right I can't. I never go any place."
"You're In The Picture":
Alice: "You look like you have lipstick on your face Ralph."
Ralph: "Oh, I cut myself shaving this morning."
Alice: "You cut yourself shaving and only now you are starting to bleed?"
Ed: "Well with the way Ralph is built, it takes a long time for his blood to reach the surface."
"Ralph Goes Hollywood":
(Pete from Pettskill Studios confronts Ralph about how much money he is spending that Peetskill Studios will have to pay.)
Pete: "Ralph Kramden, who do you think you are, Jackie Gleason?"
Ralph: "How dare you Jackie Gleason! I'm not that nuts."