friendsfan13
10-07-2007, 10:42 AM
TITLE: New Endings
GENRE: Sitcom
ORIGINAL AIRING ON: NBC
Cast:
Sharon Spenser
Ashley Callman
Lilly Polski
Pete Davies
Charlie Hall
Jake Wild
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SEASON 1
EPISODE 1: Pilot (The One With A Break-up, an Engagement and a Divorce)
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[Scene: Ashley and Charlie's apartment. Charlie is putting on his tie while Sharon is helping Ashley with her earrings]
Charlie: Hey, Sharon, how do I look?
Sharon: Oh, no, Charlie, sweetheart, lose the tie. You'll look better than Ashley with that thing on.
Ashley: And we don't want that to happen. Oww! Ow, Sharon, what is the matter with you, woman? I don't want to have three earrings put on one ear!
Sharon: Relax, girl, I'm just trying to make you look sexier than Charlie.
Ashley: I don't want that to happen in a slutty way.
Sharon: Oh, then I can't help you girl. (Walks towards Charlie) Charlie, do you want me to make you look good, as in better than Ashley in this dinner thing?
Charlie: Oh, actually, I don't really mind...
Sharon: (interrupts) And so my work is done!
Ashley: Hey, Charlie, have I told you how grateful I am that you've finally agreed to go with me on this dinner thing with my friends and family?
Charlie: No.
Ashley: Good, then.
(Charlie looks at Sharon, hands open in the air)
Sharon: Oh, like you deserve it anyway.
Charlie: Oh, thanks, Sharon. Y'know, for the tie and all. (loses the tie again)
(Jake enters)
Jake: Hey, guys.
Charlie: Oh, hey, Jake.
Ashley: Hi!
Jake: Hey, any of you know some fancy restaurant for me to take Lilly to tonight?
Sharon: How about Alessandro's?
Jake: (shakes head) Can't take her there. Been there a few times. Plus, I mean, the last time we were there, Lilly and I were asked never to return down to the restaurant.
Ashley: What, why? What'd you do?
Jake: It was nothing, alright? Just stole a stupid French horn.
Charlie: What's so special about tonight, anyway?
Jake: Ooh, that I can't tell so early. So, any ideas?
Sharon: Well, do you want my name to be known in the restaurants?
Jake: Uhh...no.
Sharon: Oh, well, that rules down Fransisco and Sharonies.
Jake: Good, so there are, like, no restaurants to go? None at all.
Ashley: Zilch. Zero.
Jake: Yes! Because here's what I have planned for tonight. Ok, I bought a romantic movie, we'll have some pop-corn and watch it at midnight, cook us some dinner at the apartment, have sex at the kitchen floor (Pause), and that's when I'll pop up the question.
(Silence)
Charlie: "Will you...move out of my apartment?"
Jake: No! I'm gonna propose to her.
All: What? Oh, my god!
Sharon: Can I have the ring if she says no?
Jake: What? She's not gonna say no. Why would she say no? Ashley? Sharon, what have Lilly told you?
Sharon: (thinks) Uhh...that you look like Mr. Potato Head!
Jake: That's not what I'm talk...(Smiles) Really? What else?
[Scene: The coffeehouse. Pete is sitting to the table by the window as Lilly joins him with her cup of coffee]
Lilly: When did the fees for a cup of coffee double up?
Pete: About...sixteen weeks ago.
Lilly: So? You got any plans tonight with Sharon? Are you guys gonna, like, shake it—shake it, if you know what I mean?
Pete: Yeah, at a movie and a popcorn (Pause) I'm just afraid that Sharon wants to take things rather slow between us. I mean, we've been dating for about two years now and living together for about six months.
Lilly: Well, you're not actually thinking of getting married so soon, are you?
Pete: Honestly, I am. You know? I wanna get married, have children, move in to a larger space...I'm just sort of afraid Sharon doesn't want all these things.
Lilly: Well, Pete, I mean, you guys have, like, just moved in. And you're thinking of marriage?
Pete: Yeah, so?
Lilly: And she's still living with you?!
Pete: I am so glad I picked you to talk to about this.
Lilly: Listen to me, Pete. You just have to look at Sharon's eyes, very passionately, and there you get your answer on whether she's ready for a biig step forward. Say, like, marriage?
Pete: Is that what you do with Jake?
Lilly: Not really. Because I know he'll never propose.
[Cut to Ashley and Charlie's apartment. Jake is under one knee with the engagement ring open]
Jake: (to Charlie) Will you marry me?
Charlie: Perfect! She'll say yes, you'll have dinner, watch a movie, and have sex on the kitchen floor. (Pause) Do it in your own place, though, please.
Jake: I can't believe it. I'm just...(sighs) Gosh, I've never been so excited in my whole life. Well, once before. When I proposed to Monica.
Ashley: Who's Monica?
Charlie: Oh, my ex-girlfriend.
Ashley: Oh, okay. I really shouda never asked.
Jake: I'm just...it's like I'm sure she's ready to get married to me.
[Cut back to the coffeehouse. Pete and Lilly are at the table by the window]
Lilly: (continues) ...Mainly because neither of us is ready to get married at this period.
Pete: Well, it's good to know where you're at.
Lilly: Better than you. (Sniffs) Lost in the woods.
Pete: Okay, great! But are you sure where Jake's at, in your relationship? Y'know, at what level he's in?
Lilly: Yeah, totally! He never wants to get married!
[Cut to Ashley and Charlie's apartment. Ashley and Charlie are looking at Jake, who is out on the balcony, screaming]
Jake: (screaming) I'm gonna get married! Woohoo!
Ashley: Awe, Charlie, just look at him. Look how happy and excited he is about wanting to get married.
Charlie: Too bad it's gonna be a major disappointment when the vows are shared.
Ashley: (stares at Charlie) It's good to know where you're at. (Looks at watch) Oh, my god .Would you look at that? We're gonna be late.
Charlie: Oh, right, to the so-called "amazing" dinner with your parents.
Ashley: Come on. We have to watch the first bus. Ohh—aren't you gonna call him in? (Points at Jake outside)
Charlie: Nah, what the heck?
(Ashley and Charlie exit)
Jake: (from outside) Yay! I'm gonna get married! Hey, Charlie! Charlie! CHARLIE? Aw, great. (Silence - thinks) I'm getting married! Woohoo! (jumps up and down amazingly and then falls off the balcony) OH, MY GOD! (screams in yelp)
[Scene: Sharon and Pete's apartment. Sharon is there as Pete enters]
Sharon: Hey!
Pete: Oh, uh, hi.
Sharon: Where the hell have you been? I've looked for you everywhere.
Pete: Everywhere, where?
Sharon: Well, Ashley and Charlie's place, Jake and Lilly's and the coffeehouse—(wincing) just not there! (waves flamboyantly)
Pete: I got an urgent call from the N.Y.U. of the Paelontology department. There was a big emergency.
Sharon: Oh, my god. What was it? It sounds serious.
Pete: We couldn't find Tyranosaurus.
(Sharon struggles hardly not to laugh as consecutive laughs in the audience break her through)
Sharon: Wow. It sounds serious. (Pause) But hey—I mean, no need for lots of your concern and anxiety, I'm sure he'll be just taking a walk on the streets, under the rain, y'know? (Pause) I mean, you guys get him locked up in that museum thing!
Pete: (quiet) Great. I'm going to bed.
Sharon: Ooh, sex-night starting so soon?
Pete: No, I'm sorry, Sharon. I'm just...I mean, I'm sorta exhausted. Maybe tomorrow night, ok?
Sharon: Oh—oh, yeah, okay. Sure. Go give yourself a little treat.
Pete: Nighty-night. (Heads to the bedroom)
Sharon: Oh—and inform me when you find that dinosaur in there.
[Scene: Lilly and Jake's apartment. Lilly and Jake are upon watching a horror movie]
Lilly: So, Jake, just tell me again. I—I mean, I didn't understand. What happened to you tonight—I mean, what caused your leg to be that...weird?
Jake: It's just this stupid thing between me and Charlie. He sort of called me a wuss if I wouldn't jump off their balcony. So I took a shot.
Lilly: You actually jumped off their balcony?
Jake: Yep. That's me. In the flesh, too.
Lilly: Wow. Well...show come you didn't, like, die or something?
Jake: Oh, I landed on Mr. Woods' balcony. Yeah, he was readin' a Playboy without taking off the plastic. (Pause) I'll show you how later.
Lilly: Huh.
(Silence)
Jake: So, uhm...(begins to dig into his pocket for the ring)
Lilly: (interrupts) There was this idiot tonight...(Jake listens, instead) I heard 'im when I was coming over from work. He was on some balcony screaming "I'M GONNA GET MARRIED!" (laughs) Gosh, this world is just full of idiots!
Jake: (chuckles, nervously) I know, isn't it? (takes his hand off his pocket) Want some more Vodka?
Lilly: Sure. But you never drink Vodka, Jake.
Jake: This is a very special night.
[Scene: Ashley's parents' house. Ashley and her mother (Mrs. Callman) are in the kitchen, preparing food while Charlie and the rest of the family are outside]
Ashley: So...
Mrs. Callman: So? Charlie is doing pretty good so far. Handshaked with me, gave me a compliment. He even came down on one knee!
Ashley: You're lucky. He didn't even do that on our engagement.
Mrs. Callman: He's doing much better than our last Thanksgiving together.
Ashley: Oh, yeah—he's still very sorry about that. The turkey leftovers sorta just flew right at ya!
Mrs. Callman: But, Ashley, tell me. Tell me about you. How's it been going between you and Charlie?
Ashley: It's been...chaos.
Mrs. Callman: So, have you been thinking of you know...? (motions a pregnant woman) You know what I mean? (mimics a crying baby weep)
Ashley: No, mom. We haven't thought about having kids yet. It's just too early for us now.
Mrs. Callman: You've been married to him for three years!
Ashley: We're just not in that place in our life right, mother. I mean, I've sort of been busy with my career and work and all, and Charlie...well, he simply hasn't been putting out!
Mrs. Callman: You could always use a donor.
Ashley: Mother!
Mrs. Callman: I'm just giving you some options!
Ashley: Well, thank you, mom. Charlie is just so great. Really. I mean, I just...I look at him and...and it's just so obvious that he's totally in love with me. Well, he better be!
Mrs. Callman: Well, I mean, he looks fine. Just flirts a lot.
Ashley: What?
Mrs. Callman: Yeah, he sort of complimented my boob job earlier.
Ashley: You had a...I can't believe him!!
Mrs. Callman: Yeah, and right now, he's sort of like flirting with your sister—Sarah.
(Shocked, Ashley looks outside through the window where Charlie is laughing and looking at Sarah passionately. He suddenly has eye-contact with Ashley through the window, opens eye balls widely and turns around pretending like he doesn't know what happening)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Sharon and Pete's apartment. Sharon is on the couch watching Texas Chainsaw Massacre and is covering herself with a blanket (plus a popcorn bowl)]
Sharon: (afraid) Oh, god. No. (covers eyes) Don't kill him! Don't kill him! Don't kill him! Don't kill him! Please don't kill him!
(Silence. Pete emerges from the bedroom and sits on knee to face closed-eyes Sharon)
Sharon: Did he kill him?
Pete: He didn't kill him.
Sharon: (opens eyes) Oh, my god—Pete! Scared me.
Pete: I didn't know I was that threatening.
Sharon: It's this movie. Gosh, it's freakin' freaky!
Pete: Then you must need someone to join you, huh? (Sits next to her and under the blanket, sharing the bowl of pop-corn)
(Silence)
Pete: So this is nice.
Sharon: Wha—(keeps looking on the TV, searching for someonething) Where the hell is he?
Pete: Oh, yeah, right—he killed him.
Sharon: What's the matter with you today, Pete? I mean, you acting pretty weird all day and I'm getting the gut feeling that it wasn't only because you lose a Trynasaurus.
Pete: It's Tyranosaurus, but whatever.
Sharon: What was with you all day?
Pete: Okay. Look, Sharon (sighs), Lilly told me something about you today.
Sharon: Oh, my god. I cannot believe her. All right, look, Pete, dropping your I-Pod the other day was totally an incident. Like, get over it! (Pete stares at her in shock and she realizes that's now what he knows)
Pete: Gut feeling again?
Sharon: Yeah, and all that crap I just said—totally made up!
Pete: Lilly warned me that you might never want to get married. And I kinda freaked out about it and told her she was all wrong and stuff. But then I realized, she was so right.
Sharon: And?
Pete: That's it. There's no "and". That's it, Sharon. That is...(sighs) it. (Silence) Sharon, we want different things.
(Silence)
Sharon: Get out.
Pete: What?
Sharon: Get out of the apartment—Come on, get out, get out, get out, get out! (Starts to push him through the door)
Pete: What? But this is my apartment. You moved in a few months ago!
Sharon: Just get the hell outta here! (Kicks Pete outside the apartment)
[Scene: Lilly and Jake's apartment. Lilly and Jake are now watching Saw on TV]
Jake: So this is nice.
Lilly: No, are ya kiddin'? This is so gross! (Jake seems confused.) I thought Saw was only about the horror.
Jake: Oh! Yeah, because that's what I meant. (Pause) I like...gross stuff.
Lilly: Including?
Jake: Sex with you, of course.
Lilly: Yep. (Pause) It's all about the "grooping".
Jake: (comforts her) Yeah, honey, they don't call that anymore. It's not the '60's anymore. (searches pockets for the engagement ring and obviously couldn't find it)
Lilly: I'm gonna go get some more pop-corn.
Jake: (chuckles, nervously) Yeah, ok--ay, you go do that!
(Lilly goes to the kitchen)
Jake: (searching the apartment) Oh, my god, oh, my god...Oh, dear god. Where are you, where are you, where are you?
Lilly: (v.o) Honey, I'm here in the kitchen!
Jake: Ohh—thank god. For a second there I was, like: "Oh dear god, Lilly, where the hell are you?!"
(Lilly returns to the living room but is shocked to find Jake holding up two cushions of a couch in the air, obviously looking for a lost material)
Lilly: So, what'd I miss...(stares up at Jake in confusement.)
Jake: (thinks - holds up the cushions in the air) I love you, Lilly!! (Pause) That's it. Just wanted to show how much you mean to me. (Chuckles nervously)
Lilly: Yeah, well, that worked very well. (Returns to the kitchen.)
(Jake throws cushions on floor, hopeless as phone rings)
Jake: (picks up phone) Hello?
Charlie: (on other side of phone, in a bathroom) 'Sup, man?
Jake: Hey, Charlie. Where are you, dude?
Charlie: (looks around, at the bathroom) Uhh...well, I'm at this weird place. It looks like my work-office at Fifth.
Jake: Ooh, how's it going with meeting Ashley's family?
Charlie: It could be better. (Pause) I'm hiding from Ashley. She just caught me flirting with her sister.
Jake: Dude!!
Charlie: It was an accident!
Jake: Yeah, well, my dinner plans with Lilly coulda been better too. I lost the engagement ring, we've watched Saw and Saw II, I've fallen off your balcony, and yeah—Lilly might think I'm a dillhole!
Charlie: Finally got to her senses, huh? (Pause) Sorry, man. But hey—how dare you watch Saw without me! (Pause) You're giving me the finger now, aren't ya?
Jake: Yeah, that and the toe. (Pause) Hey, look, Charlie, is there any way you could send me a key to your apartment so that I'll grab the ring? I think I lost it in there.
Charlie: Well, there is a key under the "Welcome" mat by our door. Use that, but then return it immediately to its right spot. Ashley will go nuts if that thing is lost.
Ashley: (v.o) Heard my name in there!
Charlie: Gotta go! (Hangs up)
(Jake hangs up too, then storms off the apartment.)
Lilly: (returns from the kitchen) Hey, Jake...(looks around) Jake? Oh, no, did you run off like a dog again?
(Phone rings)
(Lilly answers)
Charlie: (on phone, mistakens Lilly for Jake) Yeah, hello, Jake? It's Charlie again. I just remembered. Search our cabinet—I think you lost your engagement ring there. That's where you were practicing the "Lilly, will you marry me?" speech thing. (Laughs)
(Lilly opens eyes widely in shock and covers mouth as audience gasp in laughter)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Ashley's parents' house. Ashley enters her parents' kitchen and slams door quickly behind her]
Charlie: (seconds later, entering the kitchen) So funny of you to slam the door on my broken toe!
Ashley: Oh, gee, I'm sorry, Charlie. Did that—I mean, did that hurt you? So sorry, Charlie, didn't mean that to happen. (Goes to comfort him but hits him on the head instead) You dope!
Charlie: Wha—what the hell was that for? (Ashley hits him again) Great, so there are two people in the world right now having sex and there's me—getting hit on the head. (Pause) What's the matter with you?
Ashley: Oh, I'll tell you what's the matter with me, Charlie. (Hits him on the head again)
Charlie: Oww! Ow! (She hits him again.) Ow! You just hit me again! (Again.) And again—Woman, are you nuts?!
Ashley: You were flirting out there with my sister, Charlie! That's what's the matter with me.
Charlie: That's your sister? She was, like, eighteen the last time I saw her.
Ashley: That was five years ago! (Pause) And now she's about 23-24 years old!
Charlie: I did not know that that was your sister.
Ashley: Oh, come on, Charlie, you used that excuse for when you made-out with my cousin Janine three years ago!
Charlie: That was different.
Ashley: And why is that?
Charlie: Because, Ashley, Janine was not your sister—and we weren't married by that time!
Ashley: It was on our wedding-rehearsal dinner!
Charlie: Right—still not married by that time!
Ashley: I just...I cannot believe you, Charlie. I can't believe you actually did that to me. And right up upon my nose—and my parents' nose! I mean, and to do that in their house!
Charlie: Look, can we just delay this conversation for later? I mean, they're grillin' chicken out there, and I'm gettin' scrunchy.
Ashley: (as she walks pass Charlie) Probably for all that flirting.
(Charlie groans. They walk out to the yard as a woman walks over)
Joanna: Oh, my god—Ashley?
Ashley: Joanna? Oh, my god! Hi! (They hug.) It's been like...sixteen years!
Joanna: Oh, yeah, I know. It's just, y'know, there's work and I got really busy with that and stuff.
Ashley: Wow. Oh, what do you do?
Joanna: I'm a party-person. (They laugh) No, seriously, I'm a party-person.
Ashley: Well, I'm so happy for you.
Charlie: (whispers, to Ashley) Aren't you gonna...introduce me?
Ashley: Oh, Joanna, this is Charlie—my so-called husband. (Joanna chuckles) Charlie, this is Joanna, my good old friend back from high school.
Joanna: Hi.
Charlie: It's nice to meet you. (Shakes hands with Joanna) Never really met any of Ashley's old friends. (Joanna seems insulted.) Oh, no, I didn't mean old. I meant it as in, y'know, old back from high school. You know, these geeky, fat...(Stops talking) Hi, I'm Charlie Hall, pleased to meet ya. (Shakes hands with her again.)
Joanna: Oh, I've heard so much about you from Ashley's parents. Yeah. So tell me, uhm, Charlie. (coughs) So is it true that you once took a job as a male nurse to hit on and date other women?
Charlie: Oh, that was years ago, but of course!
Ashley: So it's really nice to bump into you, Joanna. I hope you'll stay for dinner.
Joanna: Oh, I wouldn't miss it for the world. See ya later. (smiles and winks at Charlie) Bye-bye, sweetie. (Walks off)
Ashley: Bitch.
Charlie: (to Ashley) You completely made a total jerk of me. You completely ridiculed me!
Ashley: No, Charlie, you did that to yourself. (starts to walk away.)
Charlie: Oh, and that "nursing" thing. Totally untrue.
Ashley: I have the hospital's number.
Charlie: (chuckles nervously) Okay, very nice!
[Scene: Sharon and Pete's apartment. Sharon is watching TV on the couch all by herself and Pete's voice is overheard from behind walls]
Pete: Sharon, please open up. Sharon! Sharon! Open the door! (Knocks.) Sharon! Open up the door! Come on, sweetie, let's talk about this. (keys are heard then Pete walks in) Come on, honey, we can work this thing out...
Sharon: Get out of the apartment, Pete.
Pete: No, come on, Sharon. Let's talk about this. I mean, I really want to talk about...(sees Sharon getting up) Okay, I see. (rushes out but keeps door open) Look, I'm sorry I even said that...
Sharon: (sits down again) Pete, I said GET OUT.
Pete: No, hey, I'm out. See, my feet aren't in the apartment? So, technically, technically I'm not in the apartment.
Sharon: Okay, two can play this game. (Gets up and closes door on Pete's face)
Pete: (v.o) Ouch, my nose. (Pause) Sharon, look...I know how difficult this must be for you, but frankly, it's even twice as hard on me, all right? I mean, I want to get married, Sharon. Not now, not soon, but eventually—yeah. I want to have kids, I want to raise them with you, get a new job, move in to California at a big mansion...
Sharon: Why not marry the Queen, then?
Pete: Because I love you. (Pause) I'm falling in love with you, Sharon, and I've never said—or felt that with anybody. Well, except my mother, but those aren't the same feelings. The point is, Sharon...(Pause) I really want to be with you.
(Sharon has second thoughts; she heads to the door to open it but returns to the living room then goes back to the door and opens it—Pete not there)
(Silence)
Pete: (appearing) So? Does that mean anything to you?
Sharon: It does. It really does. (Pete smiles) I'll be moving my stuff out by tomorrow morning. (Grabs her purse from a coffee table and jacker from hook behind door and storms out.)
[Scene: Ashley and Charlie's apartment. Jake enters and starts to look for his ring]
Jake: (looks around) Where are you? Where are you? Where are you? Stupid ring! (looks under the couch and removes a bra from under that - stares at the bra) Definitely not what I'm looking for. (stares at cabinet and finds ring) Aha! I've found you!
Lilly: (enters) Hey.
Jake: (startled, hides ring behind back) Aaaaah! (Pause - saving self embarrassment) Aahh...Hi!
Lilly: Hi. Uhm, Jake, is there something you want to share with me?
Jake: What do you, what do you mean?
Lilly: Well, I mean, I ought to ask but are you high? (Pause) I mean, you threw yourself off a balcony just to prove yourself to a friend that you're not a wuss. You cancelled four dinner reservations tonight, for four great restaurants, or did you? Because I called those restaurants, Jake, and they told me you didn't even make any reservations in the first place! (Pause) Then there's the fact that you made us watch Saw and Saw II the whole night while we could've spent a smiliar night, yet better, somewhere else. You called in sick and said you couldn't work late-night shifts tonight at the hospital. You hold up cushions of a couch up in the air, for god's sake, Jake!! (Pause) And now you're breaking into your friends' apartment...what? What is going on here, Jake? I mean, there's also the fact that I made...
Jake: (interrupts) Marry me.
Lilly: What?
Jake: Lilly...(sits down on one knee) You make my day come true. Whether it is by your constant rat-fear (Pause - Lilly is now in tears) or by your way of just making everything sound so simple and right. I never thought I'd ever have the chance to meet a woman with all the prescriptions that I've asked for. (Lilly laughs, through tears) And I'm not saying that just because I work at a hospital.
Lilly: I know...
Jake: Lilly Polski, will you marry me?
Lilly: (crying) Oh, boy, I did not see that one coming! (Pause) YES. Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
(They share a passionate kiss as Jake puts the ring in Lilly's finger)
Lilly: Oww! Ow, ow, ow, ow!
Jake: Aw, shoot!
Lilly: No, honey, it's okay. It's fine. It just didn't fit. (Smiles at Jake) You're new at this, and you did wonderfully great. (They kiss again) Okay, forget all that crap—you're buyin' me a new one! (immediately takes off the ring)
Jake: Yeah!
(Jake and Lilly hug)
[Scene: Bus. Charlie and Ashley are returning home from the Callman's and there's a man, a woman and her child sitting next to Charlie]
Charlie: (to woman) Your kid? (she nods) Sounds like a great boy. Just like his mama.
Woman: (now crying) Oh, my god. Thank you! (to man) See? At least he thinks so!
Man: (to Charlie) Try living with her.
Woman: (to man) Oh, and, like, you are already?
(Charlie smiles then looks at Ashley and frowns. She is staring at him)
Charlie: (to Ashley) What, she is not your sister, nor your cousin.
[Scene: Ashley and Charlie's apartment. Ashley and Charlie are entering, Ashley first and then Charlie acts aware, not to have the door slammed on foot again]
Charlie: Huh, okay, something's wrong. You didn't scream at me all the way home, and you did not just slam the door on my broken toe. (Silence from Ashley) Okay, something must be really up with you, woman. (Ashley picks up phone and dialls) Oh, no, Ashley, we just came from your parents' house!
Ashley: (on phone) Hello? Yes, uh, may I speak to Mr. Galts please? Thank you, yes I'll wait.
Charlie: What? Mr....Ashley, are you cheating on me?
Ashley: (sarcastically, to Charlie) Yeah, with your brother. (on phone again) Yes, hello? Mr. Galts? This is Ashley Callman...(looks at Charlie) Or Hall, whatever. (Pause) I'm your client. (Listens.) Yes, that's me. (Listens.) Yep, me again. (Chuckles over phone) Sorry about that again. Really, I hope your "crotch" is doing all right now. (Charlie seems confused, opens eyes widely) Well, I guess you know why I'm calling...
Charlie: All right, Ashley, that's it. Hang up.
Ashley: (on phone) Hold on. (turns to Charlie) Yes, may I help you?
Charlie: All right, Ashley, who the hell is this? Who the hell is this Mr. Galts?
Ashley: My lawyer.
Charlie: Well, what the hell are you calling him for?
Ashley: Charlie...(sighs) I'm filing for divorce. (Charlie is shocked - returns to phone) Hello? Yeah, no. No kids. (Listens.) Reason? (Looks up at Charlie) A slight misunderstanding.
(Upset, Charlie grabs his keys from the counter, storms out and slams door behind him.)
Ashley: (over phone) A big misunderstanding. (gives out a long sigh)
[Fade to Black]
Closing Credits
[Scene: The coffeehose. Depressed, Pete is sitting to the table by the window as overwhelmed Jake and Lilly rush in]
Jake: Hey, man.
Pete: (quietly) Hey.
Lilly: Guess what, Pete? Jake and I are getting married!
Pete: (silently and less enthusiastic, waves hands in air) Woohoo.
Jake: Gee, Lilly, maybe we should pass this information to someone a little less enthusiastic.
Pete: (wines) I'M NEVER GONNA GET MARRIED! (bangs head on table)
Lilly: (to Jake) I'll go tell the waitresses; they oughta be happy.
(Charlie enters)
Charlie: (depressed even more) Hey, guys.
Lilly: Oh, Charlie! Hi.
Jake: Guess what, man? Lilly and I are engaged. How cool?
Charlie: (depressed, sits down) Oh, so cool. Ashley and I might be getting a divorce.
Jake: Oh, my god. (to Lilly) Honey, let's go tell our parents. They'll jump their ass out of happiness.
Lilly: Why?
Jake: Oh, they always thought I'd never settle down with someone like...(stops talking, chuckles) (joins Pete and Charlie) Okay, guys, so what else is new?
End
what do you think? comment plzz...
next episode coming up soon...
GENRE: Sitcom
ORIGINAL AIRING ON: NBC
Cast:
Sharon Spenser
Ashley Callman
Lilly Polski
Pete Davies
Charlie Hall
Jake Wild
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SEASON 1
EPISODE 1: Pilot (The One With A Break-up, an Engagement and a Divorce)
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[Scene: Ashley and Charlie's apartment. Charlie is putting on his tie while Sharon is helping Ashley with her earrings]
Charlie: Hey, Sharon, how do I look?
Sharon: Oh, no, Charlie, sweetheart, lose the tie. You'll look better than Ashley with that thing on.
Ashley: And we don't want that to happen. Oww! Ow, Sharon, what is the matter with you, woman? I don't want to have three earrings put on one ear!
Sharon: Relax, girl, I'm just trying to make you look sexier than Charlie.
Ashley: I don't want that to happen in a slutty way.
Sharon: Oh, then I can't help you girl. (Walks towards Charlie) Charlie, do you want me to make you look good, as in better than Ashley in this dinner thing?
Charlie: Oh, actually, I don't really mind...
Sharon: (interrupts) And so my work is done!
Ashley: Hey, Charlie, have I told you how grateful I am that you've finally agreed to go with me on this dinner thing with my friends and family?
Charlie: No.
Ashley: Good, then.
(Charlie looks at Sharon, hands open in the air)
Sharon: Oh, like you deserve it anyway.
Charlie: Oh, thanks, Sharon. Y'know, for the tie and all. (loses the tie again)
(Jake enters)
Jake: Hey, guys.
Charlie: Oh, hey, Jake.
Ashley: Hi!
Jake: Hey, any of you know some fancy restaurant for me to take Lilly to tonight?
Sharon: How about Alessandro's?
Jake: (shakes head) Can't take her there. Been there a few times. Plus, I mean, the last time we were there, Lilly and I were asked never to return down to the restaurant.
Ashley: What, why? What'd you do?
Jake: It was nothing, alright? Just stole a stupid French horn.
Charlie: What's so special about tonight, anyway?
Jake: Ooh, that I can't tell so early. So, any ideas?
Sharon: Well, do you want my name to be known in the restaurants?
Jake: Uhh...no.
Sharon: Oh, well, that rules down Fransisco and Sharonies.
Jake: Good, so there are, like, no restaurants to go? None at all.
Ashley: Zilch. Zero.
Jake: Yes! Because here's what I have planned for tonight. Ok, I bought a romantic movie, we'll have some pop-corn and watch it at midnight, cook us some dinner at the apartment, have sex at the kitchen floor (Pause), and that's when I'll pop up the question.
(Silence)
Charlie: "Will you...move out of my apartment?"
Jake: No! I'm gonna propose to her.
All: What? Oh, my god!
Sharon: Can I have the ring if she says no?
Jake: What? She's not gonna say no. Why would she say no? Ashley? Sharon, what have Lilly told you?
Sharon: (thinks) Uhh...that you look like Mr. Potato Head!
Jake: That's not what I'm talk...(Smiles) Really? What else?
[Scene: The coffeehouse. Pete is sitting to the table by the window as Lilly joins him with her cup of coffee]
Lilly: When did the fees for a cup of coffee double up?
Pete: About...sixteen weeks ago.
Lilly: So? You got any plans tonight with Sharon? Are you guys gonna, like, shake it—shake it, if you know what I mean?
Pete: Yeah, at a movie and a popcorn (Pause) I'm just afraid that Sharon wants to take things rather slow between us. I mean, we've been dating for about two years now and living together for about six months.
Lilly: Well, you're not actually thinking of getting married so soon, are you?
Pete: Honestly, I am. You know? I wanna get married, have children, move in to a larger space...I'm just sort of afraid Sharon doesn't want all these things.
Lilly: Well, Pete, I mean, you guys have, like, just moved in. And you're thinking of marriage?
Pete: Yeah, so?
Lilly: And she's still living with you?!
Pete: I am so glad I picked you to talk to about this.
Lilly: Listen to me, Pete. You just have to look at Sharon's eyes, very passionately, and there you get your answer on whether she's ready for a biig step forward. Say, like, marriage?
Pete: Is that what you do with Jake?
Lilly: Not really. Because I know he'll never propose.
[Cut to Ashley and Charlie's apartment. Jake is under one knee with the engagement ring open]
Jake: (to Charlie) Will you marry me?
Charlie: Perfect! She'll say yes, you'll have dinner, watch a movie, and have sex on the kitchen floor. (Pause) Do it in your own place, though, please.
Jake: I can't believe it. I'm just...(sighs) Gosh, I've never been so excited in my whole life. Well, once before. When I proposed to Monica.
Ashley: Who's Monica?
Charlie: Oh, my ex-girlfriend.
Ashley: Oh, okay. I really shouda never asked.
Jake: I'm just...it's like I'm sure she's ready to get married to me.
[Cut back to the coffeehouse. Pete and Lilly are at the table by the window]
Lilly: (continues) ...Mainly because neither of us is ready to get married at this period.
Pete: Well, it's good to know where you're at.
Lilly: Better than you. (Sniffs) Lost in the woods.
Pete: Okay, great! But are you sure where Jake's at, in your relationship? Y'know, at what level he's in?
Lilly: Yeah, totally! He never wants to get married!
[Cut to Ashley and Charlie's apartment. Ashley and Charlie are looking at Jake, who is out on the balcony, screaming]
Jake: (screaming) I'm gonna get married! Woohoo!
Ashley: Awe, Charlie, just look at him. Look how happy and excited he is about wanting to get married.
Charlie: Too bad it's gonna be a major disappointment when the vows are shared.
Ashley: (stares at Charlie) It's good to know where you're at. (Looks at watch) Oh, my god .Would you look at that? We're gonna be late.
Charlie: Oh, right, to the so-called "amazing" dinner with your parents.
Ashley: Come on. We have to watch the first bus. Ohh—aren't you gonna call him in? (Points at Jake outside)
Charlie: Nah, what the heck?
(Ashley and Charlie exit)
Jake: (from outside) Yay! I'm gonna get married! Hey, Charlie! Charlie! CHARLIE? Aw, great. (Silence - thinks) I'm getting married! Woohoo! (jumps up and down amazingly and then falls off the balcony) OH, MY GOD! (screams in yelp)
[Scene: Sharon and Pete's apartment. Sharon is there as Pete enters]
Sharon: Hey!
Pete: Oh, uh, hi.
Sharon: Where the hell have you been? I've looked for you everywhere.
Pete: Everywhere, where?
Sharon: Well, Ashley and Charlie's place, Jake and Lilly's and the coffeehouse—(wincing) just not there! (waves flamboyantly)
Pete: I got an urgent call from the N.Y.U. of the Paelontology department. There was a big emergency.
Sharon: Oh, my god. What was it? It sounds serious.
Pete: We couldn't find Tyranosaurus.
(Sharon struggles hardly not to laugh as consecutive laughs in the audience break her through)
Sharon: Wow. It sounds serious. (Pause) But hey—I mean, no need for lots of your concern and anxiety, I'm sure he'll be just taking a walk on the streets, under the rain, y'know? (Pause) I mean, you guys get him locked up in that museum thing!
Pete: (quiet) Great. I'm going to bed.
Sharon: Ooh, sex-night starting so soon?
Pete: No, I'm sorry, Sharon. I'm just...I mean, I'm sorta exhausted. Maybe tomorrow night, ok?
Sharon: Oh—oh, yeah, okay. Sure. Go give yourself a little treat.
Pete: Nighty-night. (Heads to the bedroom)
Sharon: Oh—and inform me when you find that dinosaur in there.
[Scene: Lilly and Jake's apartment. Lilly and Jake are upon watching a horror movie]
Lilly: So, Jake, just tell me again. I—I mean, I didn't understand. What happened to you tonight—I mean, what caused your leg to be that...weird?
Jake: It's just this stupid thing between me and Charlie. He sort of called me a wuss if I wouldn't jump off their balcony. So I took a shot.
Lilly: You actually jumped off their balcony?
Jake: Yep. That's me. In the flesh, too.
Lilly: Wow. Well...show come you didn't, like, die or something?
Jake: Oh, I landed on Mr. Woods' balcony. Yeah, he was readin' a Playboy without taking off the plastic. (Pause) I'll show you how later.
Lilly: Huh.
(Silence)
Jake: So, uhm...(begins to dig into his pocket for the ring)
Lilly: (interrupts) There was this idiot tonight...(Jake listens, instead) I heard 'im when I was coming over from work. He was on some balcony screaming "I'M GONNA GET MARRIED!" (laughs) Gosh, this world is just full of idiots!
Jake: (chuckles, nervously) I know, isn't it? (takes his hand off his pocket) Want some more Vodka?
Lilly: Sure. But you never drink Vodka, Jake.
Jake: This is a very special night.
[Scene: Ashley's parents' house. Ashley and her mother (Mrs. Callman) are in the kitchen, preparing food while Charlie and the rest of the family are outside]
Ashley: So...
Mrs. Callman: So? Charlie is doing pretty good so far. Handshaked with me, gave me a compliment. He even came down on one knee!
Ashley: You're lucky. He didn't even do that on our engagement.
Mrs. Callman: He's doing much better than our last Thanksgiving together.
Ashley: Oh, yeah—he's still very sorry about that. The turkey leftovers sorta just flew right at ya!
Mrs. Callman: But, Ashley, tell me. Tell me about you. How's it been going between you and Charlie?
Ashley: It's been...chaos.
Mrs. Callman: So, have you been thinking of you know...? (motions a pregnant woman) You know what I mean? (mimics a crying baby weep)
Ashley: No, mom. We haven't thought about having kids yet. It's just too early for us now.
Mrs. Callman: You've been married to him for three years!
Ashley: We're just not in that place in our life right, mother. I mean, I've sort of been busy with my career and work and all, and Charlie...well, he simply hasn't been putting out!
Mrs. Callman: You could always use a donor.
Ashley: Mother!
Mrs. Callman: I'm just giving you some options!
Ashley: Well, thank you, mom. Charlie is just so great. Really. I mean, I just...I look at him and...and it's just so obvious that he's totally in love with me. Well, he better be!
Mrs. Callman: Well, I mean, he looks fine. Just flirts a lot.
Ashley: What?
Mrs. Callman: Yeah, he sort of complimented my boob job earlier.
Ashley: You had a...I can't believe him!!
Mrs. Callman: Yeah, and right now, he's sort of like flirting with your sister—Sarah.
(Shocked, Ashley looks outside through the window where Charlie is laughing and looking at Sarah passionately. He suddenly has eye-contact with Ashley through the window, opens eye balls widely and turns around pretending like he doesn't know what happening)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Sharon and Pete's apartment. Sharon is on the couch watching Texas Chainsaw Massacre and is covering herself with a blanket (plus a popcorn bowl)]
Sharon: (afraid) Oh, god. No. (covers eyes) Don't kill him! Don't kill him! Don't kill him! Don't kill him! Please don't kill him!
(Silence. Pete emerges from the bedroom and sits on knee to face closed-eyes Sharon)
Sharon: Did he kill him?
Pete: He didn't kill him.
Sharon: (opens eyes) Oh, my god—Pete! Scared me.
Pete: I didn't know I was that threatening.
Sharon: It's this movie. Gosh, it's freakin' freaky!
Pete: Then you must need someone to join you, huh? (Sits next to her and under the blanket, sharing the bowl of pop-corn)
(Silence)
Pete: So this is nice.
Sharon: Wha—(keeps looking on the TV, searching for someonething) Where the hell is he?
Pete: Oh, yeah, right—he killed him.
Sharon: What's the matter with you today, Pete? I mean, you acting pretty weird all day and I'm getting the gut feeling that it wasn't only because you lose a Trynasaurus.
Pete: It's Tyranosaurus, but whatever.
Sharon: What was with you all day?
Pete: Okay. Look, Sharon (sighs), Lilly told me something about you today.
Sharon: Oh, my god. I cannot believe her. All right, look, Pete, dropping your I-Pod the other day was totally an incident. Like, get over it! (Pete stares at her in shock and she realizes that's now what he knows)
Pete: Gut feeling again?
Sharon: Yeah, and all that crap I just said—totally made up!
Pete: Lilly warned me that you might never want to get married. And I kinda freaked out about it and told her she was all wrong and stuff. But then I realized, she was so right.
Sharon: And?
Pete: That's it. There's no "and". That's it, Sharon. That is...(sighs) it. (Silence) Sharon, we want different things.
(Silence)
Sharon: Get out.
Pete: What?
Sharon: Get out of the apartment—Come on, get out, get out, get out, get out! (Starts to push him through the door)
Pete: What? But this is my apartment. You moved in a few months ago!
Sharon: Just get the hell outta here! (Kicks Pete outside the apartment)
[Scene: Lilly and Jake's apartment. Lilly and Jake are now watching Saw on TV]
Jake: So this is nice.
Lilly: No, are ya kiddin'? This is so gross! (Jake seems confused.) I thought Saw was only about the horror.
Jake: Oh! Yeah, because that's what I meant. (Pause) I like...gross stuff.
Lilly: Including?
Jake: Sex with you, of course.
Lilly: Yep. (Pause) It's all about the "grooping".
Jake: (comforts her) Yeah, honey, they don't call that anymore. It's not the '60's anymore. (searches pockets for the engagement ring and obviously couldn't find it)
Lilly: I'm gonna go get some more pop-corn.
Jake: (chuckles, nervously) Yeah, ok--ay, you go do that!
(Lilly goes to the kitchen)
Jake: (searching the apartment) Oh, my god, oh, my god...Oh, dear god. Where are you, where are you, where are you?
Lilly: (v.o) Honey, I'm here in the kitchen!
Jake: Ohh—thank god. For a second there I was, like: "Oh dear god, Lilly, where the hell are you?!"
(Lilly returns to the living room but is shocked to find Jake holding up two cushions of a couch in the air, obviously looking for a lost material)
Lilly: So, what'd I miss...(stares up at Jake in confusement.)
Jake: (thinks - holds up the cushions in the air) I love you, Lilly!! (Pause) That's it. Just wanted to show how much you mean to me. (Chuckles nervously)
Lilly: Yeah, well, that worked very well. (Returns to the kitchen.)
(Jake throws cushions on floor, hopeless as phone rings)
Jake: (picks up phone) Hello?
Charlie: (on other side of phone, in a bathroom) 'Sup, man?
Jake: Hey, Charlie. Where are you, dude?
Charlie: (looks around, at the bathroom) Uhh...well, I'm at this weird place. It looks like my work-office at Fifth.
Jake: Ooh, how's it going with meeting Ashley's family?
Charlie: It could be better. (Pause) I'm hiding from Ashley. She just caught me flirting with her sister.
Jake: Dude!!
Charlie: It was an accident!
Jake: Yeah, well, my dinner plans with Lilly coulda been better too. I lost the engagement ring, we've watched Saw and Saw II, I've fallen off your balcony, and yeah—Lilly might think I'm a dillhole!
Charlie: Finally got to her senses, huh? (Pause) Sorry, man. But hey—how dare you watch Saw without me! (Pause) You're giving me the finger now, aren't ya?
Jake: Yeah, that and the toe. (Pause) Hey, look, Charlie, is there any way you could send me a key to your apartment so that I'll grab the ring? I think I lost it in there.
Charlie: Well, there is a key under the "Welcome" mat by our door. Use that, but then return it immediately to its right spot. Ashley will go nuts if that thing is lost.
Ashley: (v.o) Heard my name in there!
Charlie: Gotta go! (Hangs up)
(Jake hangs up too, then storms off the apartment.)
Lilly: (returns from the kitchen) Hey, Jake...(looks around) Jake? Oh, no, did you run off like a dog again?
(Phone rings)
(Lilly answers)
Charlie: (on phone, mistakens Lilly for Jake) Yeah, hello, Jake? It's Charlie again. I just remembered. Search our cabinet—I think you lost your engagement ring there. That's where you were practicing the "Lilly, will you marry me?" speech thing. (Laughs)
(Lilly opens eyes widely in shock and covers mouth as audience gasp in laughter)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Ashley's parents' house. Ashley enters her parents' kitchen and slams door quickly behind her]
Charlie: (seconds later, entering the kitchen) So funny of you to slam the door on my broken toe!
Ashley: Oh, gee, I'm sorry, Charlie. Did that—I mean, did that hurt you? So sorry, Charlie, didn't mean that to happen. (Goes to comfort him but hits him on the head instead) You dope!
Charlie: Wha—what the hell was that for? (Ashley hits him again) Great, so there are two people in the world right now having sex and there's me—getting hit on the head. (Pause) What's the matter with you?
Ashley: Oh, I'll tell you what's the matter with me, Charlie. (Hits him on the head again)
Charlie: Oww! Ow! (She hits him again.) Ow! You just hit me again! (Again.) And again—Woman, are you nuts?!
Ashley: You were flirting out there with my sister, Charlie! That's what's the matter with me.
Charlie: That's your sister? She was, like, eighteen the last time I saw her.
Ashley: That was five years ago! (Pause) And now she's about 23-24 years old!
Charlie: I did not know that that was your sister.
Ashley: Oh, come on, Charlie, you used that excuse for when you made-out with my cousin Janine three years ago!
Charlie: That was different.
Ashley: And why is that?
Charlie: Because, Ashley, Janine was not your sister—and we weren't married by that time!
Ashley: It was on our wedding-rehearsal dinner!
Charlie: Right—still not married by that time!
Ashley: I just...I cannot believe you, Charlie. I can't believe you actually did that to me. And right up upon my nose—and my parents' nose! I mean, and to do that in their house!
Charlie: Look, can we just delay this conversation for later? I mean, they're grillin' chicken out there, and I'm gettin' scrunchy.
Ashley: (as she walks pass Charlie) Probably for all that flirting.
(Charlie groans. They walk out to the yard as a woman walks over)
Joanna: Oh, my god—Ashley?
Ashley: Joanna? Oh, my god! Hi! (They hug.) It's been like...sixteen years!
Joanna: Oh, yeah, I know. It's just, y'know, there's work and I got really busy with that and stuff.
Ashley: Wow. Oh, what do you do?
Joanna: I'm a party-person. (They laugh) No, seriously, I'm a party-person.
Ashley: Well, I'm so happy for you.
Charlie: (whispers, to Ashley) Aren't you gonna...introduce me?
Ashley: Oh, Joanna, this is Charlie—my so-called husband. (Joanna chuckles) Charlie, this is Joanna, my good old friend back from high school.
Joanna: Hi.
Charlie: It's nice to meet you. (Shakes hands with Joanna) Never really met any of Ashley's old friends. (Joanna seems insulted.) Oh, no, I didn't mean old. I meant it as in, y'know, old back from high school. You know, these geeky, fat...(Stops talking) Hi, I'm Charlie Hall, pleased to meet ya. (Shakes hands with her again.)
Joanna: Oh, I've heard so much about you from Ashley's parents. Yeah. So tell me, uhm, Charlie. (coughs) So is it true that you once took a job as a male nurse to hit on and date other women?
Charlie: Oh, that was years ago, but of course!
Ashley: So it's really nice to bump into you, Joanna. I hope you'll stay for dinner.
Joanna: Oh, I wouldn't miss it for the world. See ya later. (smiles and winks at Charlie) Bye-bye, sweetie. (Walks off)
Ashley: Bitch.
Charlie: (to Ashley) You completely made a total jerk of me. You completely ridiculed me!
Ashley: No, Charlie, you did that to yourself. (starts to walk away.)
Charlie: Oh, and that "nursing" thing. Totally untrue.
Ashley: I have the hospital's number.
Charlie: (chuckles nervously) Okay, very nice!
[Scene: Sharon and Pete's apartment. Sharon is watching TV on the couch all by herself and Pete's voice is overheard from behind walls]
Pete: Sharon, please open up. Sharon! Sharon! Open the door! (Knocks.) Sharon! Open up the door! Come on, sweetie, let's talk about this. (keys are heard then Pete walks in) Come on, honey, we can work this thing out...
Sharon: Get out of the apartment, Pete.
Pete: No, come on, Sharon. Let's talk about this. I mean, I really want to talk about...(sees Sharon getting up) Okay, I see. (rushes out but keeps door open) Look, I'm sorry I even said that...
Sharon: (sits down again) Pete, I said GET OUT.
Pete: No, hey, I'm out. See, my feet aren't in the apartment? So, technically, technically I'm not in the apartment.
Sharon: Okay, two can play this game. (Gets up and closes door on Pete's face)
Pete: (v.o) Ouch, my nose. (Pause) Sharon, look...I know how difficult this must be for you, but frankly, it's even twice as hard on me, all right? I mean, I want to get married, Sharon. Not now, not soon, but eventually—yeah. I want to have kids, I want to raise them with you, get a new job, move in to California at a big mansion...
Sharon: Why not marry the Queen, then?
Pete: Because I love you. (Pause) I'm falling in love with you, Sharon, and I've never said—or felt that with anybody. Well, except my mother, but those aren't the same feelings. The point is, Sharon...(Pause) I really want to be with you.
(Sharon has second thoughts; she heads to the door to open it but returns to the living room then goes back to the door and opens it—Pete not there)
(Silence)
Pete: (appearing) So? Does that mean anything to you?
Sharon: It does. It really does. (Pete smiles) I'll be moving my stuff out by tomorrow morning. (Grabs her purse from a coffee table and jacker from hook behind door and storms out.)
[Scene: Ashley and Charlie's apartment. Jake enters and starts to look for his ring]
Jake: (looks around) Where are you? Where are you? Where are you? Stupid ring! (looks under the couch and removes a bra from under that - stares at the bra) Definitely not what I'm looking for. (stares at cabinet and finds ring) Aha! I've found you!
Lilly: (enters) Hey.
Jake: (startled, hides ring behind back) Aaaaah! (Pause - saving self embarrassment) Aahh...Hi!
Lilly: Hi. Uhm, Jake, is there something you want to share with me?
Jake: What do you, what do you mean?
Lilly: Well, I mean, I ought to ask but are you high? (Pause) I mean, you threw yourself off a balcony just to prove yourself to a friend that you're not a wuss. You cancelled four dinner reservations tonight, for four great restaurants, or did you? Because I called those restaurants, Jake, and they told me you didn't even make any reservations in the first place! (Pause) Then there's the fact that you made us watch Saw and Saw II the whole night while we could've spent a smiliar night, yet better, somewhere else. You called in sick and said you couldn't work late-night shifts tonight at the hospital. You hold up cushions of a couch up in the air, for god's sake, Jake!! (Pause) And now you're breaking into your friends' apartment...what? What is going on here, Jake? I mean, there's also the fact that I made...
Jake: (interrupts) Marry me.
Lilly: What?
Jake: Lilly...(sits down on one knee) You make my day come true. Whether it is by your constant rat-fear (Pause - Lilly is now in tears) or by your way of just making everything sound so simple and right. I never thought I'd ever have the chance to meet a woman with all the prescriptions that I've asked for. (Lilly laughs, through tears) And I'm not saying that just because I work at a hospital.
Lilly: I know...
Jake: Lilly Polski, will you marry me?
Lilly: (crying) Oh, boy, I did not see that one coming! (Pause) YES. Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
(They share a passionate kiss as Jake puts the ring in Lilly's finger)
Lilly: Oww! Ow, ow, ow, ow!
Jake: Aw, shoot!
Lilly: No, honey, it's okay. It's fine. It just didn't fit. (Smiles at Jake) You're new at this, and you did wonderfully great. (They kiss again) Okay, forget all that crap—you're buyin' me a new one! (immediately takes off the ring)
Jake: Yeah!
(Jake and Lilly hug)
[Scene: Bus. Charlie and Ashley are returning home from the Callman's and there's a man, a woman and her child sitting next to Charlie]
Charlie: (to woman) Your kid? (she nods) Sounds like a great boy. Just like his mama.
Woman: (now crying) Oh, my god. Thank you! (to man) See? At least he thinks so!
Man: (to Charlie) Try living with her.
Woman: (to man) Oh, and, like, you are already?
(Charlie smiles then looks at Ashley and frowns. She is staring at him)
Charlie: (to Ashley) What, she is not your sister, nor your cousin.
[Scene: Ashley and Charlie's apartment. Ashley and Charlie are entering, Ashley first and then Charlie acts aware, not to have the door slammed on foot again]
Charlie: Huh, okay, something's wrong. You didn't scream at me all the way home, and you did not just slam the door on my broken toe. (Silence from Ashley) Okay, something must be really up with you, woman. (Ashley picks up phone and dialls) Oh, no, Ashley, we just came from your parents' house!
Ashley: (on phone) Hello? Yes, uh, may I speak to Mr. Galts please? Thank you, yes I'll wait.
Charlie: What? Mr....Ashley, are you cheating on me?
Ashley: (sarcastically, to Charlie) Yeah, with your brother. (on phone again) Yes, hello? Mr. Galts? This is Ashley Callman...(looks at Charlie) Or Hall, whatever. (Pause) I'm your client. (Listens.) Yes, that's me. (Listens.) Yep, me again. (Chuckles over phone) Sorry about that again. Really, I hope your "crotch" is doing all right now. (Charlie seems confused, opens eyes widely) Well, I guess you know why I'm calling...
Charlie: All right, Ashley, that's it. Hang up.
Ashley: (on phone) Hold on. (turns to Charlie) Yes, may I help you?
Charlie: All right, Ashley, who the hell is this? Who the hell is this Mr. Galts?
Ashley: My lawyer.
Charlie: Well, what the hell are you calling him for?
Ashley: Charlie...(sighs) I'm filing for divorce. (Charlie is shocked - returns to phone) Hello? Yeah, no. No kids. (Listens.) Reason? (Looks up at Charlie) A slight misunderstanding.
(Upset, Charlie grabs his keys from the counter, storms out and slams door behind him.)
Ashley: (over phone) A big misunderstanding. (gives out a long sigh)
[Fade to Black]
Closing Credits
[Scene: The coffeehose. Depressed, Pete is sitting to the table by the window as overwhelmed Jake and Lilly rush in]
Jake: Hey, man.
Pete: (quietly) Hey.
Lilly: Guess what, Pete? Jake and I are getting married!
Pete: (silently and less enthusiastic, waves hands in air) Woohoo.
Jake: Gee, Lilly, maybe we should pass this information to someone a little less enthusiastic.
Pete: (wines) I'M NEVER GONNA GET MARRIED! (bangs head on table)
Lilly: (to Jake) I'll go tell the waitresses; they oughta be happy.
(Charlie enters)
Charlie: (depressed even more) Hey, guys.
Lilly: Oh, Charlie! Hi.
Jake: Guess what, man? Lilly and I are engaged. How cool?
Charlie: (depressed, sits down) Oh, so cool. Ashley and I might be getting a divorce.
Jake: Oh, my god. (to Lilly) Honey, let's go tell our parents. They'll jump their ass out of happiness.
Lilly: Why?
Jake: Oh, they always thought I'd never settle down with someone like...(stops talking, chuckles) (joins Pete and Charlie) Okay, guys, so what else is new?
End
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