Frank Gannucci
10-05-2007, 10:03 PM
(Ralph & Ed are staring at Lady Liberty.)
Ralph: "I can't believe that Lady Liberty has been standing there for 111 years."
Ed: "Hey wait RAlph. I thought Christopher Columbus discovered her when he discovered America 115 years ago."
Ralph: "You dope. Christopher Columbus discovered America in 1492. The statue wasn't around that time. Boy, I have said this many times before. I am glad that he found this country."
Ed: "Yep, I am also glad that he sailed on the rivers in which the water flows right threw my place of work."
(Ralph rolls back his eyes.)
Ralph: "I wonder what it was like on that boat. I wonder if they were starved at times. I don't want to know what that was like."
Ed: "Me too. You would probably lose 200 pounds if you starved Ralph. Especially if you were on Columbus' boat that sailed from Norway to the U.S."
Ralph: "You dope. Christopher Columbus isn't from Norway. He is from Sweden."
(Audience laughs wildly.)
Ralph: "I also wonder if he saw Miami Beach. He would love it down there. He would have said: 'I now proclaim this the 'Sun & Fun Capital of The World.'"
(Audience louldy cheers.)
Ed: "I wonder if he saw my sewer when he did discover this country."
Ralph: "Well, I am glad that he found our country. This is a great country and I am glad that Chris discovered it in 1492."
Ed: "Me too Ralph."
(They both sing a song about Christopher Columbus.)
(Jackie Gleason comes out.)
Jackie: "Thank you. How sweet it is."
(Audience cheers.)
Jackie: "Ladies and gentlemen, the Miami Beach audiences are the BEST! GOOD NIGHT!"
"The Man From Space":
Ralph: "If you see me coming down the street, get on the other side."
Ed: "When you walk down the street, there AIN'T no other side."
"House Beautiful" (aka "Pardon My Glove"):
Alice: "I got Ralph a new belt. I want to make sure it fits."
Trixie: "If it doesn't, you can always exchange it for a larger size."
Alice: "There ain't no larger size."
"Brother-In-Law":
(Ralph leaps on to the couch to get the mouse. Ralph gets dust all over himeslf.)
Ed: "Did you get the mouse Ralph?"
Ralph: "No, I didn't get him."
Ed: "Then everybody stay quiet."
Ralph: "Why should we do that?"
Ed: "So we can hear the mouse. With all this dust around, he's bound to start coughing."
"Better Living Through TV":
Ralph: "This is the biggest thing that I ever got into."
Alice: "The biggest thing you ever got into was your pants."
"Two For The Money":
(Ralph just lost the money from the lodge.)
Ralph: "Let's not get panicky."
Alice: "Ralph, did you put the money in an envelope?"
Ralph: "See? Now you are getting panicky."
"Manager of The Baseball Team" (Color):
Trixie: "Ralph has a good head on his shoulders."
Ed: "What is this on my shoulders, a volleyball?"
"Brother-In-Law":
Frank: "Hey Ralph, are you going to eat your soup?"
Ralph: "I'm not hungry."
Frank (about to grab the soup): "Well, I hate to see anything go to waste."
Ralph (taking the soup): "I just got hungry."
"My Fair Landlord":
(Ralph has just complained to Mr. Olsen that he does nothing for the apartment building. Ralph leaves.)
Mr. Olsen: "Your husband has got a lot of nerve saying that to me Mrs. Kramden. I do plenty around here. Last night, I was up until midnight waxing the stairs..."
Ralph (falling down the stairs, yells): "DUUUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"The Main Event":
Ralph: "I would have given my life to be a jockey but I was a little too heavy."
Alice: "A little too heavy? You are too fat to be a horse."
Ralph: "I can't believe that Lady Liberty has been standing there for 111 years."
Ed: "Hey wait RAlph. I thought Christopher Columbus discovered her when he discovered America 115 years ago."
Ralph: "You dope. Christopher Columbus discovered America in 1492. The statue wasn't around that time. Boy, I have said this many times before. I am glad that he found this country."
Ed: "Yep, I am also glad that he sailed on the rivers in which the water flows right threw my place of work."
(Ralph rolls back his eyes.)
Ralph: "I wonder what it was like on that boat. I wonder if they were starved at times. I don't want to know what that was like."
Ed: "Me too. You would probably lose 200 pounds if you starved Ralph. Especially if you were on Columbus' boat that sailed from Norway to the U.S."
Ralph: "You dope. Christopher Columbus isn't from Norway. He is from Sweden."
(Audience laughs wildly.)
Ralph: "I also wonder if he saw Miami Beach. He would love it down there. He would have said: 'I now proclaim this the 'Sun & Fun Capital of The World.'"
(Audience louldy cheers.)
Ed: "I wonder if he saw my sewer when he did discover this country."
Ralph: "Well, I am glad that he found our country. This is a great country and I am glad that Chris discovered it in 1492."
Ed: "Me too Ralph."
(They both sing a song about Christopher Columbus.)
(Jackie Gleason comes out.)
Jackie: "Thank you. How sweet it is."
(Audience cheers.)
Jackie: "Ladies and gentlemen, the Miami Beach audiences are the BEST! GOOD NIGHT!"
"The Man From Space":
Ralph: "If you see me coming down the street, get on the other side."
Ed: "When you walk down the street, there AIN'T no other side."
"House Beautiful" (aka "Pardon My Glove"):
Alice: "I got Ralph a new belt. I want to make sure it fits."
Trixie: "If it doesn't, you can always exchange it for a larger size."
Alice: "There ain't no larger size."
"Brother-In-Law":
(Ralph leaps on to the couch to get the mouse. Ralph gets dust all over himeslf.)
Ed: "Did you get the mouse Ralph?"
Ralph: "No, I didn't get him."
Ed: "Then everybody stay quiet."
Ralph: "Why should we do that?"
Ed: "So we can hear the mouse. With all this dust around, he's bound to start coughing."
"Better Living Through TV":
Ralph: "This is the biggest thing that I ever got into."
Alice: "The biggest thing you ever got into was your pants."
"Two For The Money":
(Ralph just lost the money from the lodge.)
Ralph: "Let's not get panicky."
Alice: "Ralph, did you put the money in an envelope?"
Ralph: "See? Now you are getting panicky."
"Manager of The Baseball Team" (Color):
Trixie: "Ralph has a good head on his shoulders."
Ed: "What is this on my shoulders, a volleyball?"
"Brother-In-Law":
Frank: "Hey Ralph, are you going to eat your soup?"
Ralph: "I'm not hungry."
Frank (about to grab the soup): "Well, I hate to see anything go to waste."
Ralph (taking the soup): "I just got hungry."
"My Fair Landlord":
(Ralph has just complained to Mr. Olsen that he does nothing for the apartment building. Ralph leaves.)
Mr. Olsen: "Your husband has got a lot of nerve saying that to me Mrs. Kramden. I do plenty around here. Last night, I was up until midnight waxing the stairs..."
Ralph (falling down the stairs, yells): "DUUUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"The Main Event":
Ralph: "I would have given my life to be a jockey but I was a little too heavy."
Alice: "A little too heavy? You are too fat to be a horse."