Frank Gannucci
05-25-2007, 10:34 PM
"TV or Not TV":
(Ralph is trying to tell Alice that he has more money in is wallet than Ed.)
Ralph: "I have it here."
(Ralph points to his hip pocket.)
Alice: "You have it here..." (Points to her left hip.) "...you have it here..." (Points to her right hip.) "...and you have it here." (Points to her stomach.)
"Better Living Through TV":
Ralph: "What is the first thing that a person has to do if he wants to sell something?"
Ed: "Well, first they look your name (Ralph's) in the phonebook and then they try to sell it to you."
"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):
Ralph: "I'm going to get his job back for him Alice. Tomorrow, I am going to go down that sewer tomorrow and speak to Ed's boss. there isn't anything in this world that is going to stop me from going down that sewer tomorrow."
Alice: "Oh no? There isn't a manhole in this city that you can fit through."
"Cottage For Sale Part 1":
Ralph: "What kind of life do you think that I lead in this city driving a bus all day? What do I hear? Taxi horns, police whistles, fire engines, breaks schreeching and people hollering. When I finish my work and come home what do I hear? Babies crying, garbage cans-a-rattlin', peddles-a-yellin'. I ask you. What do I have to do to get a little peace and quiet?"
Alice: "Why don't you shut up?"
"My Fair Landlord":
Ralph: "The person who lent me this place was an ex-GI."
Alice: "Who was he, Benedict Arnold?"
"My Fair Landlord":
Ed: "Can you paint this place during a time when I am not here like on
a Sunday?"
Ralph: "Why not now?"
Ed: "I can't stand the smell of paint."
Ralph: "Are you kidding me? You work in the sewer all day and you can't stand the smell of paint?"
"Lawsuit" (Color):
Ed: "I know a person who died from stubbing his toe?"
Man: "Stubbing his toe? How is that possible?"
Ed: "He stubbed it on the Grand Canyon's edge."
"Ralph Goes Hollywood":
Bing: "Looks like you run a very democratic household Ralph."
Trixie: "Yeah, you know what happened to them in the last election."
"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":
Ralph: "The theater has been in me all my life."
Alice: "Yeah, I knew that that wasn't your stomach. It was the balcony."
Now on for my skit:
(The Kramdens and Nortons are going to Coney Island for Memorial Day.)
Ralph (yelling out the window): "NORTON, WOULD YOU COME ON? IT IS GOING TO BE A GREAT DAY!"
Ed (from upstairs, yells): "I'M COMING DOWN RALPH!"
(Ed comes down with a very loud swimsuit on wiht tanktop, flippers, goggles, snorkel and swimming cap.)
Ralph: "What are you doing with that getup on?"
Ed: "I'm ready to go under the sea. I want to see if a person can live under the sea. I am home in the water. I go to work every day in it."
Ralph: "Yes, I know and all that water has water-logged your brain."
(Alice comes out with a swimsuit on that is a little revealing.)
Ralph: "Where is the rest of that swimsuit Alice? Your clevlage is showing."
Alice: "It is supposed to show."
Ralph: "Not clevlage that belongs to my wife. There wiil be families down there and they don't want their kids watching something risque."
(Trixie comes down with a bathing suit on that is a little risque.)
Ed: "Trixie, I think you should go upstairs and change. There will be families on this beach and they don't want their kids looking at anything risque."
Trixie: "Oh!"
Alice: "I don't have another suit Ralph."
Trixie: "Me neither."
Ralph: "All right. You can keep your suits on. Let's go."
(They all arrive at Coney Island Beach.)
Ralph: "This beach looks great. It is too bad that we are not on the beach at Miami Beach. I have heard that they got the best looking women in the world."
(Men cheer in the audience.)
Alice: "Ralph, you were never a ladies man."
Ralph: "Are you kidding? When I was on the beach all the girls used to surround me. They were crazy about you."
Alice: "No they weren't. They just wanted to sit in the shade."
(Ed laughs.)
Ralph (yells): "SHUT UP NORTON!" (normally): "Anyway, this spot is perfect."
Alice: "Ralph, this is too close to the water. Suppose the tide comes in."
Ralph: "It won't. Besides, Ed knows how to fight the tide. Me and Ed are going to sit here while you two chickens find another spot."
Alice (angerily): "All right."
(Five minutes later, the tide comes in. Ralph & Ed are soaking wet.)
Ralph: "You did it again Norton. You made us sit where the tide came in."
Alice: "I see your plan of sitting by the water got all wet. Ha ha ha."
Ralph: "Real funny Alice. Real funny. I hope they like those jokes in Space because that is where you are going. Anyway, this is a day that we should remember those who died just to make sure we get the freedom that we enjoy today. Unfortunately, those BUMS Hillary Rotten Clinton and Barack Obama have voted to cut War funding for our troops in Iraq. What snakes."
Ed: "I agree. I want our boys home but not until the job is done. I want to see all those terrorists killed."
Ralph: "Yes, they are BUMS!"
Ed: "Right now, I am going to actually surfing. I will be right back."
(Ed leaves.)
Ralph: "Right now, I am going to sit down and relax."
(Ed rides a wave in and crashes onto Ralph.)
Ralph (yells): "YOU STUPID STUPE!"
(Ralph chases after Ed. The girls chase after Ralph.)
(Jackie Gleason walks on stage.)
Jackie: "How sweet it is! Folks, I want to remember those people who have died for us to give us the freedoms we now enjoy and hopefully, we will enjoy this freedom forever."
(Audience claps.)
Jackie: "That proves that the Miami Beach audiences are the BEST!"
(Audience claps.)
Jackie: "Happy Memorial Day and hopefully our boys will come back home without a scratch on them. Good night everyone!"
(Audience claps.)
(Ralph is trying to tell Alice that he has more money in is wallet than Ed.)
Ralph: "I have it here."
(Ralph points to his hip pocket.)
Alice: "You have it here..." (Points to her left hip.) "...you have it here..." (Points to her right hip.) "...and you have it here." (Points to her stomach.)
"Better Living Through TV":
Ralph: "What is the first thing that a person has to do if he wants to sell something?"
Ed: "Well, first they look your name (Ralph's) in the phonebook and then they try to sell it to you."
"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):
Ralph: "I'm going to get his job back for him Alice. Tomorrow, I am going to go down that sewer tomorrow and speak to Ed's boss. there isn't anything in this world that is going to stop me from going down that sewer tomorrow."
Alice: "Oh no? There isn't a manhole in this city that you can fit through."
"Cottage For Sale Part 1":
Ralph: "What kind of life do you think that I lead in this city driving a bus all day? What do I hear? Taxi horns, police whistles, fire engines, breaks schreeching and people hollering. When I finish my work and come home what do I hear? Babies crying, garbage cans-a-rattlin', peddles-a-yellin'. I ask you. What do I have to do to get a little peace and quiet?"
Alice: "Why don't you shut up?"
"My Fair Landlord":
Ralph: "The person who lent me this place was an ex-GI."
Alice: "Who was he, Benedict Arnold?"
"My Fair Landlord":
Ed: "Can you paint this place during a time when I am not here like on
a Sunday?"
Ralph: "Why not now?"
Ed: "I can't stand the smell of paint."
Ralph: "Are you kidding me? You work in the sewer all day and you can't stand the smell of paint?"
"Lawsuit" (Color):
Ed: "I know a person who died from stubbing his toe?"
Man: "Stubbing his toe? How is that possible?"
Ed: "He stubbed it on the Grand Canyon's edge."
"Ralph Goes Hollywood":
Bing: "Looks like you run a very democratic household Ralph."
Trixie: "Yeah, you know what happened to them in the last election."
"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":
Ralph: "The theater has been in me all my life."
Alice: "Yeah, I knew that that wasn't your stomach. It was the balcony."
Now on for my skit:
(The Kramdens and Nortons are going to Coney Island for Memorial Day.)
Ralph (yelling out the window): "NORTON, WOULD YOU COME ON? IT IS GOING TO BE A GREAT DAY!"
Ed (from upstairs, yells): "I'M COMING DOWN RALPH!"
(Ed comes down with a very loud swimsuit on wiht tanktop, flippers, goggles, snorkel and swimming cap.)
Ralph: "What are you doing with that getup on?"
Ed: "I'm ready to go under the sea. I want to see if a person can live under the sea. I am home in the water. I go to work every day in it."
Ralph: "Yes, I know and all that water has water-logged your brain."
(Alice comes out with a swimsuit on that is a little revealing.)
Ralph: "Where is the rest of that swimsuit Alice? Your clevlage is showing."
Alice: "It is supposed to show."
Ralph: "Not clevlage that belongs to my wife. There wiil be families down there and they don't want their kids watching something risque."
(Trixie comes down with a bathing suit on that is a little risque.)
Ed: "Trixie, I think you should go upstairs and change. There will be families on this beach and they don't want their kids looking at anything risque."
Trixie: "Oh!"
Alice: "I don't have another suit Ralph."
Trixie: "Me neither."
Ralph: "All right. You can keep your suits on. Let's go."
(They all arrive at Coney Island Beach.)
Ralph: "This beach looks great. It is too bad that we are not on the beach at Miami Beach. I have heard that they got the best looking women in the world."
(Men cheer in the audience.)
Alice: "Ralph, you were never a ladies man."
Ralph: "Are you kidding? When I was on the beach all the girls used to surround me. They were crazy about you."
Alice: "No they weren't. They just wanted to sit in the shade."
(Ed laughs.)
Ralph (yells): "SHUT UP NORTON!" (normally): "Anyway, this spot is perfect."
Alice: "Ralph, this is too close to the water. Suppose the tide comes in."
Ralph: "It won't. Besides, Ed knows how to fight the tide. Me and Ed are going to sit here while you two chickens find another spot."
Alice (angerily): "All right."
(Five minutes later, the tide comes in. Ralph & Ed are soaking wet.)
Ralph: "You did it again Norton. You made us sit where the tide came in."
Alice: "I see your plan of sitting by the water got all wet. Ha ha ha."
Ralph: "Real funny Alice. Real funny. I hope they like those jokes in Space because that is where you are going. Anyway, this is a day that we should remember those who died just to make sure we get the freedom that we enjoy today. Unfortunately, those BUMS Hillary Rotten Clinton and Barack Obama have voted to cut War funding for our troops in Iraq. What snakes."
Ed: "I agree. I want our boys home but not until the job is done. I want to see all those terrorists killed."
Ralph: "Yes, they are BUMS!"
Ed: "Right now, I am going to actually surfing. I will be right back."
(Ed leaves.)
Ralph: "Right now, I am going to sit down and relax."
(Ed rides a wave in and crashes onto Ralph.)
Ralph (yells): "YOU STUPID STUPE!"
(Ralph chases after Ed. The girls chase after Ralph.)
(Jackie Gleason walks on stage.)
Jackie: "How sweet it is! Folks, I want to remember those people who have died for us to give us the freedoms we now enjoy and hopefully, we will enjoy this freedom forever."
(Audience claps.)
Jackie: "That proves that the Miami Beach audiences are the BEST!"
(Audience claps.)
Jackie: "Happy Memorial Day and hopefully our boys will come back home without a scratch on them. Good night everyone!"
(Audience claps.)