Barbie's Christmas List- (READ it's funny!)

[Kay Scarpetta]

You MUST read this it's so funny!

Dear Santa:

Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME!

There had better be some changes around here by next Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list:

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweat shirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller
are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro crawling up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD
imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!

3. A REAL man...maybe G.I. Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what's with
that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.

6. A jogging bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec.

8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and
a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years. I think I deserve it.

Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you
disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.

Yours truly,
Barbie


[This message has been edited by Lisa Whelchel Forever (edited 12-03-2001).]

[Chocoholic]

LOL! That's a good one http://www.sitcomsonline.com/ubb/wink.gif

------------------
Kristen

Homer Simpson: "It takes two to lie, Marge! One to lie and one to listen!"

Antonio (Wings) "Oh, forgive me! I thought we could use a break from your 'All the good men are married or gay' speech!"

Robert (Everybody Loves Raymond): "It's always about you, Raymond. Raymond, Raymond, Raymond, everybody loves Raymond!"

[Ags2000]

I am just in a funny Christmas mood, so I am going to post some Christmas funnies http://www.sitcomsonline.com/ubb/smile.gif

D

Ken's Letter To Santa

Dear Santa,

I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.

First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment - the bitch has everything. Along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, I DO NOT have a dream house, corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases the ability to change our hair style. I personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My
decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.

I too would like a change in my career. Have you ever considered "Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out Of Work Actor Ken"? In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as: "S&M Ken" , "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit
Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken". These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable
knees would also be helpful for me in other situations - we've talked about this issue before.

In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blond bimbo from hell will result in action be taken by myself and others. And Barbie can forget about having Joe - he's mine, at least that's what he said last night.

Sincerely,

Ken

[Chocoholic]

Oh man, that is sooo funny!!! http://www.sitcomsonline.com/ubb/wink.gif http://www.sitcomsonline.com/ubb/wink.gif http://www.sitcomsonline.com/ubb/wink.gif http://www.sitcomsonline.com/ubb/wink.gif http://www.sitcomsonline.com/ubb/wink.gif http://www.sitcomsonline.com/ubb/wink.gif

------------------
Kristen

Homer Simpson: "It takes two to lie, Marge! One to lie and one to listen!"

Antonio (Wings) "Oh, forgive me! I thought we could use a break from your 'All the good men are married or gay' speech!"

Robert (Everybody Loves Raymond): "It's always about you, Raymond. Raymond, Raymond, Raymond, everybody loves Raymond!"

[-*Forever*-]

LOL you guys are too funny, where'd y'all get those?

------------------
¤°¤°Debra Barone°¤°­­­¤
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Jo, only twice in my life have I spoken in an arbitrary manner. Once when my ex-husband mortgaged out house to pay the bookees and now. GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE BEFORE I BEAT YOU WITH MY FRYING PAN!!!"~Mrs. Garrett, FOL
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I believe VERY strongly that Debra Barone and Robert Barone belong together. If they got married, she would be Debra Barone Barone. Saves on monograms.(LOLZIES LIKE ON FOL!!!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mrs. G: I thought her boyfriend was Robert.
Blair: He is.
Mrs. G.: Where is he?
Tootie: Upstairs.
Mrs. G: Well, who's that?
Blair: Harper.
Mrs. G.: Who's he?
Blair and Tootie: Her boyfriend.
Mrs. G.: Of course. How silly of me. Got it.
*she slaps herself*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I was 16, I had a bad case of acne and I played the accordian in the marching band."~Dorothy Zbornac, The Golden Girls
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
hey allison DON'T CALL ME PERVERT!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Smooches! ^_^

[Ags2000]

oops. Sorry didn't mean to post that twice. My computer spazzed and did that.

D

[This message has been edited by Ags2000 (edited 12-03-2001).]

[Kay Scarpetta]

Originally posted by Patricia Heaton Forever:
LOL you guys are too funny, where'd y'all get those?

We made them up. No no j/k, lol D (Ags2000) got them from a site. Funny stories, eh?




------------------
°·.*¤*-Blair Warner-*¤*.·°

I lerb Lisa Whelchel! LERB is me and Morganne's word lol.

Blair: Well, you don't see me getting all upset when people tell me how gorgeous I am!

Watch out for the Scary Pie man Dana he is gonna come get you!

[Bootsy Whoosh]

Originally posted by Ags2000:
In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as: "S&M Ken" , "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit
Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken". These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets. Bendable
knees would also be helpful for me in other situations


oooooh....naughty naughty naughty! http://www.sitcomsonline.com/ubb/lol.gif http://www.sitcomsonline.com/ubb/crazy.gif
Those were great, but the Ken one is hilarious!

[Penny Lane]

http://www.sitcomsonline.com/ubb/rotflmao.gif http://www.sitcomsonline.com/ubb/rotflmao.gif http://www.sitcomsonline.com/ubb/rotflmao.gif

------------------
Cupcake

[folfan01]

http://www.sitcomsonline.com/ubb/rotflmao.gif

------------------
~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~
§°*¤*°<$arah Joanne Polniaczek>°*¤*°§
~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~
Gal: Hi. What's your name?
Kevin: Kevin. Kevin Arnold.
Gal: Hi Kevin Kevin Arnold!

(after steph drove joey's car in the kitchen)
Joey: AHHHHHHH! Is this my punishment for not refilling the ice tray?!
~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~
:D {WAAAASSSSSSSUUUPP!!!!)
~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~
See ya! *leaves*

[Ags2000]

*stepping forward and taking a bow* Thank you, thank you.

I will try to post some more tonight if I ever get home. I am still up at campus tonight. I am doing some corrections on my resume that has to be turned in TONIGHT. (yipes) Anyway, when I finally get home, I'll get some more stories and post them.

D

[Montana Ponine]

http://www.sitcomsonline.com/ubb/lol.gif http://www.sitcomsonline.com/ubb/rotflmao.gif http://www.sitcomsonline.com/ubb/lol.gif http://www.sitcomsonline.com/ubb/rotflmao.gif

Ags and Karli, that was too funny!!! http://www.sitcomsonline.com/ubb/lol.gif!!! I loved it!!

[Beruche]

http://www.sitcomsonline.com/ubb/lol.gif
http://www.sitcomsonline.com/ubb/lol.gif
http://www.sitcomsonline.com/ubb/lol.gif

[Ags2000]

Well, since I am now waiting on a friend of mine to show up and rip my resume to shreds ( http://www.sitcomsonline.com/ubb/smile.gif ) I decided to post some more Christmas funnies. This is one of my favorites.

D

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 14
Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a Pear Tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised.

With deepest love and devotion,

Agnes

---------------------------------------------

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 15
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine - Two Turtle Doves! I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All my love,

Agnes

---------------------------------------------

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 16
Dearest John:

Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity - Three French Hens! They are just delightful, but I must insist, you've been too kind.

Love,

Agnes

---------------------------------------------

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 17
Dearest John:
Today the postman delivered Four Calling Birds. Now really, you're being too romantic. They are beautiful, but don't you think that enough is enough?

Affectionately,

Agnes

---------------------------------------------

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 18
Dearest John:
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered Five Golden Rings - one for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

Love,

Agnes

---------------------------------------------

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 19
Dear John:

When I opened the door, there were actually Six Geese-A-Laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.

Cordially,

Agnes

---------------------------------------------

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 20
John:

What's with you and those ****ing birds? Seven Swans-A-Swimming! What kind of a goddamn joke is this? There's bird **** all over the house and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck - it's not funny. So stop with those ****ing birds!

Sincerely,

Agnes

---------------------------------------------

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 21
OK Buster!
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 Maids a Milking? It's not enough with all these birds and maids a milking, but they had to bring their goddamn cows! There's **** all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house.

Just lay off me, smartass!

Agnes

---------------------------------------------

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 22
Hey ****head:
What are you, some kind of sadist? Now there are nine Pipers Piping! And Christ do they play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me!

You'll get yours!

Agnes

---------------------------------------------

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 23
You Rotten Prick!
Now there's Ten Ladies Dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. The cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of ****. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.

I'm siccing the police on you.

One who means it!!

---------------------------------------------

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 24
Listen ****head:
What's with the Eleven Lords a Leaping on those Maids and Ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows! All 23 birds are dead, they've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you vicious, rotten swine.

Your sworn enemy,

Agnes

---------------------------------------------

Law Offices
Badger, Bender & Cajole
303 Knave Street
Chicago, Ill.
December 25
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge receipt of your latest gift of the Twelve Drummers Drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict upon our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All future cor-respondence should be sent to our attention. If you should attempt to contact Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot on sight! With this letter you will find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Cordially,

Badger, Bender & Cajole

[Ags2000]

Here is one of My personal favorite recipes t Christmas. http://www.sitcomsonline.com/ubb/grineyes.gif

WARNING!!! Kids DO NOT try this at home. This is a joke, and ONLY a joke!

D

CHRISTMAS CAKE RECIPE

You'll need the following:

1 cup of water
1 cup of sugar
4 large brown eggs
2 cups of dried fruit
1 teaspoon of salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
Nuts
1 bottle of whisky

Sample the whisky to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it's the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. Make sure the whisky is still OK. Cry another tup. Tune up the mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it goose with a drewscriver. Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon the sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whisky again and go to bed.

[Ags2000]

Here's another.

D

The Month After Christmas

Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd tasted
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rare,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
I said to myself, as I only can "You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"
So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
'Til all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore-
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

[Montana Ponine]

http://www.sitcomsonline.com/ubb/rotflmao.gif http://www.sitcomsonline.com/ubb/lol.gif http://www.sitcomsonline.com/ubb/rotflmao.gif

LOL Ags!!!! You literally had me rolling on the floor laughing!!! You crack me up!! http://www.sitcomsonline.com/ubb/lol.gif lol!!!!

[Bootsy Whoosh]

http://www.sitcomsonline.com/ubb/rotflmao.gif http://www.sitcomsonline.com/ubb/rotflmao.gif http://www.sitcomsonline.com/ubb/rotflmao.gif http://www.sitcomsonline.com/ubb/rotflmao.gif

If there were a smiley that shows someone laughing with tears, I would post that too.

You had me rolling, and damn near tears! Tears, I tell you! Rarely do I find something so funny I am reduced to a rolling, laughing, crying, wad of goo.

[Ags2000]

Thank you, thank you. Trust me when I say that there are plenty more where that came from, only some of them I can't post here. I'd get banned.

D

[Ags2000]

19 Ways To Confuse Santa Claus !

1.Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2.While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3.Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4.While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

5.Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

6.Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."

7.Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

8.While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

9.Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. http://www.sitcomsonline.com/ubb/smile.gif" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa."

10.Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

11.Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

12.While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

13.Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

14.Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

15.Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

16.Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

17.Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

18.Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

[Bootsy Whoosh]

Originally posted by Ags2000:
18.Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

LOL, that's the best one!

[Ags2000]

Here is a cute song revised.

D

Twelve days of fast food


On the first day of Christmas,
my drive through gave to me:
a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the second day of Christmas,
my drive through gave to me:
Two Happy Meals,
and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the third day of Christmas,
my drive through gave to me:
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the fourth day of Christmas,
my drive through gave to me:
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the fifth day of Christmas,
my drive through gave to me:
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the sixth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the seventh day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the eighth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the ninth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Nine polish hot dogs,
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the tenth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Ten baked potatoes,
Nine polish hot dogs,
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the eleventh day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Eleven pounds of blubber,
Ten baked potatoes,
Nine polish hot dogs,
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.


On the twelfth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Twelve bags of Pepto,
Eleven pounds of blubber,
Ten baked potatoes,
Nine polish hot dogs,
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

[KerriBerri687]

http://www.sitcomsonline.com/ubb/rotflmao.gif http://www.sitcomsonline.com/ubb/rotflmao.gif http://www.sitcomsonline.com/ubb/rotflmao.gif http://www.sitcomsonline.com/ubb/lol.gif that was funny! http://www.sitcomsonline.com/ubb/lol.gif http://www.sitcomsonline.com/ubb/smile.gif

------------------
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
luv yaz!
*KERRI*

NAT: That's believable. We got a truck stop, a skitzo pilot, the woman in red. All I need now is for Charro to walk through the front door.

Dancing is not only sport, it's an obsession.

me n' alex are like blair n' jo...we have the fights, the comebacks, everything..all we need now is to look the slightest bit like them..and we're practically there!

i luv FOL--get it? got it? good.

It's bring an obscure relative to work day!!

[This message has been edited by Blair n' Jo Rock (edited 12-04-2001).]

[Ags2000]

Hehehe. I'm still at the college. I don't think I will ever go home. I am starting to get on my "finals high" http://www.sitcomsonline.com/ubb/smile.gif If you've ever been in college you know what I mean.

D

Twelve days - Revised Policy


Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated

3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese
will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing
their outplacement

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps

10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year

11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the
bottom line

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

[Ags2000]

Here's another one.

D

Twelve days of Microsoft


On the 1st day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: Windows 95 for my PC

On the 2nd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 3rd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 4th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 5th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 6th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 6 ints conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 7th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 7 files missin', 6 ints conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 8th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 8 Megs overflowin', 7 files missin', 6 ints conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 9th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 9 apps a crashin', 8 Megs overflowin', 7 files missin', 6 ints conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad,
3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 10th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 10 modes not supported, 9 apps a crashin', 8 Megs overflowin', 7 files missin', 6 ints conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 11th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 11 instructions faulty, 10 modes not supported, 9 apps a crashin', 8 Megs overflowin', 7 files missin', 6 ints conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 12 sound cards silent, 11 instructions faulty, 10 modes not supported, 9 apps a crashin', 8 Megs overflowin', 7 files missin', 6 ints conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC!


[This message has been edited by Ags2000 (edited 12-04-2001).]

[Ags2000]

Here's another lovely song.

D

WEB ADDICTION HOLIDAY SING ALONG!

(Sung to the tune of "Winter Wonderland")

Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin',
From my mouth, drool is glist'nin',
I'm happy -- although
My boss let me go --
Happily addicted to the Web.
All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There's beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Happily addicted to the Web!

Friends come by; they shake me, Saying, "Yo, man!
Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?"
With a listless shrug, I mutter "No, man;
I just discovered laugh-a-lot-dot-com!"
I don't phone, don't send faxes,
Don't go out, don't pay taxes,
Who cares if someday
They drag me away?
I'm happily addicted to the Web!

Happ-ilyyyyy, ad-dict-eeeed to the Weeeeeb!!! (Yeah!)

[Ags2000]

Oh Little Town


Oh little town 'neath moonlit skies
How still we see thee sleep.
As through the streets and on the roofs
A hooded figure creeps.
He climbs down all your chimneys
He carries a large sack..
He fills it with your valuables
Then quickly hurries back!

D

[Lynn]

http://www.sitcomsonline.com/ubb/rotflmao.gif
Those are hilarious Ags2000. Thanks for the laughs!!
http://www.sitcomsonline.com/ubb/rotflmao.gif

[Ags2000]

Originally posted by Lynn:
http://www.sitcomsonline.com/ubb/rotflmao.gif
Those are hilarious Ags2000. Thanks for the laughs!!
http://www.sitcomsonline.com/ubb/rotflmao.gif

No problem. I'm bored here at the camous right now. I am helping a friend of mine write a letter of rebuttal. So I have nothing to do while she writing. After we finish up here, we are going to go and grab some burgers for dinner as neither of us have eaten since we had pizza delived to the campus at 2 this afternoon.

Did I mention that I am bored and tired?


D

D

[Ags2000]

Batman Bells


Jingle Bells,
Batman smells,
Robin flew away.
The batmobile has lost its wheels
Now it's a bat-mo-sleigh!


Here is another version


Jingle Bells,
Batman smells,
Robin laid an egg.
The batmobile lost its wheels
And Joker got away!


D

[Ags2000]

Office Holiday Memo

To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).

1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)
3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."
4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.
5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.

In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.


D

[Kay Scarpetta]

:rotflmao: LMFAO omg these are SO FUNNY!! :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Montana Ponine]

:lol: :rotflmao: Ags u are too funny!!! lol!! :lol:

[Bootsy Whoosh]

This isn't funny at all, but I think it is interesting, and it does fit into just random Christmasy stuff, and I didn't think it was worth creating a whole new thread for. So here it is:

from: http://moneycentral.msn.com/content/CNBCTV/Articles/Dispatches/P12793.asp

Cost of Christmas marches higher

PNC Advisors finds the items in the “12 Days of Christmas” carol cost 3.5% more this year than last, or a whopping $15,748. They also show a few recession hints.
By CNBC Staff


How much would it cost you to surprise your loved one with all the goods and services of “The 12 Days of Christmas” – from 12 drummers drumming to a partridge in a pear tree?

The whole package will set you back $15,748 this year, according to fund-management firm PNC Advisors. The 2001 figure is up 3.5 percent from last year’s $15,210 – a faster rise than the overall inflation rate.

Research experts at PNC Advisors have tracked the Christmas Price Index every year for the past 17 years. They say the index provides a good assessment of changing prices for goods and services across the economy.

“The Christmas Price Index supports the National Bureau of Economic Research’s assessment that we are in a recession,” says Jeffrey Kleintop, chief investment strategist at PNC Advisors.

PNC’s Kleintop on Power Lunch

He told CNBC’s Power Lunch that while most prices didn’t increase this year, the cost of gold rings shot up 50%. “During times of recession, people prefer to have hard assets with a global, intrinsic value,” he explains.

Kleintop points out that the most expensive items back in 1780, when the song first emerged, would have been the products. Now, it’s the services and specialized labor that hurt your wallet – such as the nine ladies dancing, 10 lords-a-leaping, 11 pipers piping and 12 drummers drumming.

When PNC first computed its index, goods prices accounted for 60% of the total price tag. Now, goods contribute 30% of the price, while services make up 70% -- another recession hint, Kleintop says.

Some very sensitive prices

Turns out the 12-days list is sensitive to all manner of factors economic and mundane. For instance, the reproductive rate for doves seems to have slid since last Christmas.

“The fertility of turtle doves was a little weaker this year, and prices rose [16%] as a result,” Kleintop says.

Meanwhile, good weather jacked up the fruits and vegetables on the list.

“The conditions were good for pear trees, yielding taller crops and heartier trees that cost more,” Kleintop says – 27.5% more. But the price of a partridge in that pear tree was $15, the same as last year.

Some advice on where to buy

If you’re still determined to buy a loved one the goods and services mentioned in the famous Christmas carol, keep in mind that you would get a better bargain if you stayed away from the Internet and shopped through traditional outlets instead. PNC Advisors claims that using the Web will tack on $8,000 to your overall bill, mainly because of expensive shipping and travel services.

For example, it would cost you about $17,800 if you were to use the Internet to hire the maids, ladies, lords, pipers and drummers (for a total of 50 people). By comparison, your bill would be about $11,000 for similar services bought locally.

In case you’re wondering about the repetitions – recall that the partridge in a pear tree is repeated 12 times – the “true cost of Christmas” is up to $62,935 this year from $60,307 in 2000.

As Kleintop muses, “an investment in the true cost of Christmas would have yielded a better return than the stock market over the past year.”